0:00:02 > 0:00:03And whoever impresses me most
0:00:03 > 0:00:06will be named Employee of the Month.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08Imagine having a CV. I just wanted to better myself,
0:00:08 > 0:00:11broaden me horizons, and this was going to be it.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13You need to freshen up, my love.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Why don't you go take a dip in the sea?
0:00:15 > 0:00:17My name is Dominic Rook.
0:00:18 > 0:00:22My job is to maintain the illusion that man is alone.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Your department will be dissolved,
0:00:24 > 0:00:26its responsibilities handed to Special Branch.
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Then God help us all.
0:00:29 > 0:00:30Still feeling the benefits
0:00:30 > 0:00:33of that lovely little ridge of high pressure.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35And, oh, do my eyes deceive me?
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Sunshine? 37 degrees?
0:00:37 > 0:00:38I'll take it.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Time to dust off that bikini and hit the beach
0:00:41 > 0:00:44And Larry Chrysler will see you there.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47This programme contains violent scenes, strong language and scenes of a sexual nature.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49'And we're out.'
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Sorry, what the galloping balls was that?
0:00:52 > 0:00:55I'm not stupid. I know exactly what's going on here.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57You only have so many "poor performances"
0:00:57 > 0:00:59before it starts to look a lot like sabotage.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02- 'It was fine, Larry.' - No, Trevor, that was a shambles.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05The only thing that saved that sorry sack of shit was my bikini line.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07The line I said, not...
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Look, I'm watching.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Don't you worry. I'm watching.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18'That's the point.'
0:01:18 > 0:01:21No, love, that is very much the point.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Nicholas Cage does not use that particular model of Jacuzzi.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26'Mr Cage has purchased several hot tubs...'
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Yes, he may well use your brand of Jacuzzis,
0:01:29 > 0:01:32but that's not an after-dinner anecdote I can use.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35I bought your product for one purpose and one purpose only,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37to point at and say, "That is the exact Jacuzzi
0:01:37 > 0:01:40"owned by Hollywood film star, Nicholas Cage."
0:01:40 > 0:01:44Look, love, no offence, but is there a man there I can talk to?
0:01:44 > 0:01:46- 'Um, unfortunately...' - Shit, hang on. Hang on.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48'..there's nobody else available.'
0:01:49 > 0:01:51'Mr Chrysler?'
0:01:51 > 0:01:53'Hello?'
0:01:53 > 0:01:54SNARLING
0:01:58 > 0:02:00'Mr Chrysler, are you still there?'
0:02:00 > 0:02:02'Hello?'
0:02:02 > 0:02:04'Are you OK?''
0:02:05 > 0:02:07- 'Mr Chrysler?'- I'll call you back.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08SNARLING
0:02:22 > 0:02:24I've been here just as long as you.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- I don't know why they made you manager and not me. - It's acting manager,
0:02:27 > 0:02:30and I have no idea, Tom. I wasn't privy to the deliberations.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33There, it's because you say "privy" and you don't mean the bogs.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36It's just a title, Tom. It doesn't change a thing.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- Will you please stop that? It's unsanitary.- I know.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41What happened to that Patsy bird anyway? Did she just walk out?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43She was always highly strung,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45clearly the pressure got too much for her.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46But I'm sure she'll be back soon
0:02:46 > 0:02:49and we can return to our original roles and responsibilities.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Until then, it will be, "Tom, can you help out on reception?"
0:02:52 > 0:02:54"Tom, Mrs Smith left her key in her room, can you let her in?"
0:02:54 > 0:02:56You know that's your job anyway?
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Because I won't put up with it, Hal!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00For starters, it's a full moon tonight, I'm having the night off.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I'm just going to walk out, go home.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05And what are you going to do about it, eh?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07- You can't.- Unbelievable.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09No, I mean I knew that, so I scheduled you the night off.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13Did you hear that then? Did you hear it? And so it begins.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15MUSIC
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Werewolf.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Testes one, two. Testes one, two.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Little bit bassy, but we can live with it.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48So, what are the lighting choices? What have we got to play with?
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Me?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56On.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57OK.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58And off.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01OK. Let's go with on.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07The hotel door closed behind me, didn't have a key.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Locked out in the corridors of The Dorchester, London.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Not quite full monty. Calm down, ladies.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Still had on my dressing gown over a pair of pants.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21But it took me 25 minutes to get another key.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- LAUGHS - Hilarious.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I'm reminded of the time I met my wonderful wife,
0:04:28 > 0:04:33winner of Miss Avon and Somerset 1992, '94. All the same person.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Don't worry, I'm not a Mormon.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Double the nagging. Who needs it?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42We met at a wild party after Children In Need. Erm...
0:04:42 > 0:04:45when we met there were certainly sparks,
0:04:45 > 0:04:49because I reversed my BMW six series into her Renault Clio.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Our bumpers kissed and then our mouths...
0:04:53 > 0:04:55kissed.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56DISTANT COUGHING
0:04:58 > 0:05:00That was great.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02I spotted you soon as you walked in. Did you spot me?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05I can't say that I did, but I can certainly see you now.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07So where do you change?
0:05:07 > 0:05:12Er, in the dressing room. Sorry, I'm a little bit busy right now.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13That's a lovely jacket.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17- My name's Tom. Your name's Larry, seen it on your sign.- Well done.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20So, what do you want? Money, a date, an autograph? What?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22I'll have the last one if it's OK.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25And there it is. Who do I make it out to?
0:05:25 > 0:05:29Tom McNair. M, small C. Big N. And then air. Like, 'air.'
0:05:30 > 0:05:33There you go. So, what next?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35I'm guessing straight on EBay.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Because I check.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39I always check.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41I think it's great you're famous.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43I didn't know we could be famous. I can't get over it.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48'A response from the Secretary of State.'
0:05:48 > 0:05:53'Placing Value Uppermost does exactly what it says on the tin.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54'This isn't about cuts.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57'This is about identifying those departments
0:05:57 > 0:06:01'that simply aren't pulling their weight and reallocating...
0:06:01 > 0:06:04'..departments within the civil service.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05'The Placing...'
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Hal's got a girlfriend.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I have not "got a girlfriend".
0:06:27 > 0:06:29He's visiting a girl.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32And judging from that get up, she's got a very good sense of humour.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Lady Mary is simply an acquaintance, nothing more.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36Wow.
0:06:36 > 0:06:41An acquaintance with the Lady Mary? Ha, that's prison slang, surely?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43No hanging out with fangs, Hal. Them's the rules.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Please don't call us that. Lady Mary is not a vampire.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49She is a ghost, who died, some years ago.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Wait a minute. You know a ghost?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Another female ghost and you didn't tell me?
0:06:55 > 0:06:59Because I knew there was no point. You really wouldn't get on.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02I think that's for me and my new best mate Mary to decide, don't you?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Absolutely not.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Lady Mary is a shy, fragile creature,
0:07:06 > 0:07:09with an innocence I am determined to protect.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11What, you think I would corrupt her?
0:07:11 > 0:07:15I think you'd corrupt Keith Richards. So, if you don't mind?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Told you. Girlfriend.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29It is a pleasure to receive you as always, Lord Harry.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Since your last visit we have gained several invigorating new exhibits,
0:07:33 > 0:07:36including an enchanting selection of pottery from the colonies.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40Wonderful. I shall look forward to perusing them in due course.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- Boo! - SHE LAUGHS
0:07:42 > 0:07:46His face. Shat you right up.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Alex. How's it going?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Ooh, hold that thought!
0:07:53 > 0:07:55I thought we decided you were staying at home?
0:07:55 > 0:08:00YOU decided I'd be staying at home, but I decided to ignore you.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Oh, come on, Hal, stop being all Hal about this.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07I've got no-one to talk to about ghost stuff.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09And I swear, I won't swear.
0:08:15 > 0:08:20Lady Mary, allow me to introduce Alex,
0:08:20 > 0:08:22a new ghost of my acquaintance.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27I see. And I take it you two are, um...
0:08:28 > 0:08:31..I'm not sure what the modern parlance is...
0:08:31 > 0:08:32What?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- Shagging? - THEY LAUGH
0:08:36 > 0:08:38- God, no. No way... - Nothing of the sort.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Friends and nothing more,
0:08:40 > 0:08:43in fact, we share our abode with a lycanthrope.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47That is one crazy big dress, isn't it?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Still, I suppose it saves you shaving your legs, right?
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Have you got any guillotines or stuff?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Oh, is there a dungeon in here?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57My God, this place is so cool.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Lady Mary, I offer my sincerest apologies.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Not at all. No. She has a...
0:09:05 > 0:09:09a boisterous charm that has awoken the teacher in me.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11I almost wish my finishing school were still open.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14I fear she is beyond the help of even your prodigious talents.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- Then I accept your wager.- My what?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19The carving really is quite exquisite.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23In addition, we have gained a new ivory comb and a Moroccan footstool.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- No, seriously, what?- Mistress Alex.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28I feel we have so much to learn from one another,
0:09:28 > 0:09:30- though we have hardly conversed. - Yes, totally.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33And as it seems that Lord Harry has other
0:09:33 > 0:09:36urgent business to attend to, it appears we shall have that chance.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37What?
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Yes.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46I have business, urgent business...
0:09:46 > 0:09:48to go and do.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53But, it is my fervent hope that you will both become better acquainted.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55A sentiment I echo.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Lord Harry.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Lady Mary.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14God.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Haunting a stately home.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Shit, that must be brilliant.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I mean, sorry, not "shit". Um...
0:10:23 > 0:10:26"Bums?" You all right?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Yes. I am curious, Lord Harry, has he...?
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Oh yeah, yeah. He's gone.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31Oh, thank fuck for that.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35- What?- God, it's just such hard work keeping it up, you know?
0:10:35 > 0:10:38All that 'thee and thou' bollocks.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41- It gets on my tits.- You're not...
0:10:42 > 0:10:43You're not posh?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- SHE YAWNS - Oh, let's get out of here.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50The place bored me to frigging tears even when I was alive.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52But now I have a playmate.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Come on, let's go, have some fun.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58DISTANT TELEPHONE RINGING
0:11:01 > 0:11:03- Mr Chrysler. - I missed the fried breakfast,
0:11:03 > 0:11:07so technically, I'm just taking what's due to me.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11I was under the impression that you were leaving us today. However...
0:11:11 > 0:11:12Don't know where you got that idea from.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14My management company specifically stated
0:11:14 > 0:11:17there was one week's full stay included in the rider.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Well, whoever's error it is, it's very unfortunate.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Going out tonight, Mr Chrysler?
0:11:25 > 0:11:26Maybe.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Be sure to vacate your room by tomorrow morning.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Well, that's fine.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Be good to get back on the road. Get some miles on the clock.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Hotel living can be a little bit soulless.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39You know what I mean?
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Thanks again.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45CLUB MUSIC
0:11:47 > 0:11:51So you put it all on, just for Hal?
0:11:51 > 0:11:52It wasn't always an act.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55When he first started visiting me,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58I actually was that curtseying fuckwit.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01So, you and Hal, what's the deal?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04I told you, we're just mates.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08I mean, we kind of had a date once, but...
0:12:10 > 0:12:11it didn't go too well.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13I laddered my tights on the way there,
0:12:13 > 0:12:17then I had to run back and get changed and...
0:12:17 > 0:12:18then I got killed by a vampire.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Shit the bed.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22So, you kind of had a thing,
0:12:22 > 0:12:25you got killed and now you and Hal live together?
0:12:25 > 0:12:26Yeah.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- Mm-hm.- Oh, fuck off!
0:12:30 > 0:12:32"Had a kind of a thing."
0:12:32 > 0:12:35"Mates". What is he like?! Ooh.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Shit.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41SHE LAUGHS
0:12:41 > 0:12:46OK, so, apparently, she is secretly shagging him,
0:12:46 > 0:12:48but he's the boyfriend of her.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50You can read their minds?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Isn't that a bit like reading someone's diary?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54It's brilliant, isn't it?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57So it's fair to say you've changed over the years?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Mmm. Doesn't everyone?
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I mean, I read. I watch TV. I keep up with the world.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04It just looks a bit bloody weird,
0:13:04 > 0:13:06because I'm dressed like a cake decoration.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- She knows! - LAUGHS
0:13:08 > 0:13:12And she's one Bacardi Breezer away from twatting her.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Oops!
0:13:14 > 0:13:15GIRL GASPS
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Fucking bitch!
0:13:17 > 0:13:19THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Go for her! Fight, fight, fight! Fight, fight, fight!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Woo, woo, woo, woo!
0:13:29 > 0:13:30- Mr Chrysler.- What?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32It's you, again. All right?
0:13:32 > 0:13:36- You off to go and drag your chicken round in a circle?- Excuse me?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38I've got a cellar.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Awesome.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47SHE RETCHES
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Well, she's faking it
0:13:55 > 0:13:59and he's thinking about his ex, but he's almost there.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Come on, you're going to miss it,
0:14:01 > 0:14:03he's not exactly a long-distance runner.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Do you know what? I think I'm just going to pass.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Suit yourself. Oh, God, here we go.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11LOUD MUSIC AND MOANING
0:14:17 > 0:14:19WOLF HOWLS
0:14:42 > 0:14:44I've got my own cellar now. A lot less faff.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Yes, the cellar. You're very pleased with your cellar, aren't you?
0:14:48 > 0:14:49Look at the state of you.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52No offence, but I know the signs.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Woke up in the woods then, yes?
0:14:53 > 0:14:57Yes, bit of a crazy night last night, actually. Um...
0:14:57 > 0:15:01some of the people from the show dragged me out to a club and...
0:15:01 > 0:15:04absolute carnage, had about four pints.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Then a casino, fell in with a stag do...
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Nice lads, but I lost a bet, so here we are.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11I think I can hear my pager.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13It's all right, you know.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14What do you mean?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I'm a werewolf too.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19Suppose it's understandable -
0:15:19 > 0:15:22if you've never met any other werewolves, how would you know
0:15:22 > 0:15:25how to spot them - us? I can't stop thinking about your talk.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28All the things that you've done... and bought.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32I was just wondering if you had any like, you know,
0:15:32 > 0:15:33like, pointers for me?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36I'm a werewolf too, but I've never lived anywhere posh like you.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40I live in a house now, but I ain't got it all to myself.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I have to share it with a couple of friends.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I used to live in a van in the woods with me dad.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47We'd move about, keep a low profile
0:15:47 > 0:15:50and, well, just live off the land, really.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- What did you say?- I used to live in a van in the woods with me dad.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Before that.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Erm, I'm a werewolf but I've never lived anywhere posh like you?
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- After that. You said something about living in a house with people.- Yeah.
0:16:00 > 0:16:05- Do they know what you are?- Yeah. Totally.- And they don't mind?
0:16:06 > 0:16:10- Well, they've got their own things going on.- So...
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- You want to know about the secret of my success?- Yeah.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Half of me thinks it's impossible.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Half of me thinks it would be selfish not to pass on my wisdom.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23And yet, the other half just wants to throw caution to the wind.
0:16:23 > 0:16:28- That's three halves. - Oh, you're good. Ha-ha! Real good.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32So, this house of yours, how big is it, exactly?
0:16:39 > 0:16:43- We need to talk about Mary.- I did say you'd find her a little dull.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46"Dull" is not the word I would use.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Erm, "Crazy sordid batshit shocking" is more the flavour.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52I'm sorry, is this some new youth slang for "boring"?
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- I do try to keep up...- Mary is not who you think she is, Hal.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58The whole posh totty thing - it's just an act.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- Why on earth would she do that? - I don't know and I don't care.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03But what I'm worried about is the fact that she's been stuck here
0:17:03 > 0:17:06for 200 years and it's turned her into a total frothing loon.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Is that what's going to happen to me?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Look, even if you don't pass over for...
0:17:14 > 0:17:18..a while, I'm sure you'd cope with it admirably.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22You and Mary are completely different people after all.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Had a thing with you.
0:17:26 > 0:17:32Got killed. Stuck here as a ghost. But mates now.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Does that ring any bells?
0:17:34 > 0:17:38- You all right, Tom? - I'm fine. Are you? Ooh.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Is that somebody at the door?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44BUZZER RINGS
0:17:45 > 0:17:46Tom. My young apprentice.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Larry, come on in, mate.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Alex, Hal, this is Larry - the werewolf who did the talk.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59- Greetings. Larry Chrysler.- Hi.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Very nice. The room. Love the place.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Buffet monitor. Good to see you again.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Larry's going to teach me how to become a successful werewolf.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12- How d'you feel about that, Hal? - Good for you, Tom.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Yeah, it is good for me, Tom.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- So, am I to take it you're both werewolves as well?- No.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20- I'm a vampire. - And I'm a ghost.- Very good.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24I can see what you're doing there. Using humour to break to the ice.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28- Great stuff.- So, I see you've brought a suitcase.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Yeah, well, my tutoring can be quite time intensive.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32We thought rather than a lot of coming and going,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35I'd just stay here for a while.
0:18:35 > 0:18:40- Er, yeah. Larry's going to stay here for a while to train me.- Great.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- The more the merrier!- You're not the boss of me here, Hal.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47- I can do what I like. - Yes, I know, I said it was great.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50So?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- Oh.- Great to meet you both.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00I didn't know you wanted to stay.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03I thought we'd discussed it, hadn't we? I'm sure we did.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07- We were thinking it, anyway. - Because of the training?- Yeah. Yeah.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11- The training. Lots of it. - Great stuff. When do we start?
0:19:11 > 0:19:15- Like, is there a manual or something?- Yes. Of course there is.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18A vital component of the programme.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Now, er, this is the most important book you'll ever own.
0:19:21 > 0:19:28Er, truly got me where I am today. This book is now your bible.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32I want you to live it, breathe it, sleep with it under your pillow...
0:19:32 > 0:19:38- I'm just saying it's a good book. - Oh. Wow. Thanks, Larry.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42- You say your dad taught you a few things?- Yeah, um...
0:19:42 > 0:19:45only steal from big shops, there's good eating on rabbit,
0:19:45 > 0:19:49and underpants inside out buys you an extra week.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Essential life lessons. Anything about becoming a success?
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- Making something of yourself? - Nah, not really.
0:19:55 > 0:20:00It were more about whittling and not starving to death.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02He were amazing though, me dad.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04We were hardly ever out of each other's sight.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07He protected me from the world. A bit too much, maybe.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10I don't know, I just want to make him proud.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12And I get dead frustrated when I can't,
0:20:12 > 0:20:14and I get things wrong and that.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Tom. Open that door.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24Did you see him go?
0:20:24 > 0:20:31- Old Tom, failure Tom - he's left the building.- Oh, right. See ya!
0:20:31 > 0:20:34No, no, Tom. Shun him. Shun him.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Shun him.
0:20:38 > 0:20:43Now, let's get down to basics. Clothes maketh the man.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- How would you like this suit, Tom? - To keep?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48You just give me your suit?
0:20:49 > 0:20:54It's important, vitally important, to make a good first impression.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- And this little baby has done wonders for me.- Oh, cheers, Larry.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Giving me all this stuff.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- I feel like I should give you something in return.- Ha-ha. No.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Not necessary. Seriously.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Having said that, there is one thing you could help me with.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- Yeah, anything.- Well, obviously, I need to buy a new suit now.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13And I've got a bit of a cash flow issue over the next few days.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17So...I'm transferring money between banks. You know how it is.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20But if you could maybe lend me, say... £150?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23I've got some savings...
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Actually, forget it. I'm embarrassed for even asking.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28I'll think of something, don't worry.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32I don't know what, exactly, but something will turn up.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33I'll help you out, Larry.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37- But it's just a loan though, yeah? For a few days?- Absolutely.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Absol-Larry-lutely.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54- Yeah.- Tom?- Hello, Hal.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58I've just come to congratulate you on your new position of manager.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Thank you, Tom. Is that Larry's suit?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09You're not the only one who can wear a suit, Hally.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13I got this printed off at the library.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- "Tom McNair Incorporated"?- Yep.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20I think you're supposed to put something else on there
0:22:20 > 0:22:21like a phone number or an e-mail.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25I'll call you. Yeah, there's a new player in town.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26And he's got the skills
0:22:26 > 0:22:29and the looks and the motivation and the skills.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32- He's got the whole package.- Quite.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Everything OK with your breakfast?
0:22:38 > 0:22:41How's things, all right? Ange, Ange!
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Yeah, he were really impressed.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50I did the power handshake, gave him me card, erm, interrupted him.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54I mean, that's three ingredients for success pie right there, innit?
0:22:54 > 0:22:59- Success pie?- Yeah, the book. Chapter Four: Success Pie.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Ah, the book. Of course. Now, your next life lesson.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Take this and go and put the windscreen through that BMW
0:23:05 > 0:23:07- over there.- Whose car is it?
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Let's say it's your competitor, who has stolen your assets
0:23:11 > 0:23:13and voted you off the board.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Yeah, but whose car is it really?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Mine.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Stolen by my bitch of an ex-wife.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Who is currently spending my money tanning herself in that spa
0:23:22 > 0:23:26so she can look even more like the leather handbag, which I bought. Ha!
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- The irony makes me want to puke. - Your ex-wife?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Miss Thingy '92 and '94?
0:23:32 > 0:23:35One and the same. Although 1992 was a long time ago,
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- as one look at her will plainly tell you.- I don't think I can do this.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41I thought you wanted to learn how to climb the mountain of success?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43I don't think smashing the windscreen is going to help me
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- climb the mountain of success or eat success pie, is it?- Tom.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Sometimes you have to do regrettable things to get to the top.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52And when you do, your old dad will be looking down and smiling.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Not if I do this he won't.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Maybe you're right. I'm pushing you too quickly.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Just go and let her tyres down, and we'll say no more about it.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Go on.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07All of them.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12It's simple, really.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16I go off and have adventures and just make sure I'm back here
0:24:16 > 0:24:19in time for all the "Prithee Lord Harry" bullshit.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21But why? That's what I don't understand...
0:24:21 > 0:24:25- And what about your unfinished business?- Oh, that's all sorted.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Something about library books. No, I've had loads of doors appear.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32- I just turn them down. - What? Why?
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Hal. He needs me.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38I know he's got you and there's been Pearl and Annie, and those
0:24:38 > 0:24:40are just the ones I can remember,
0:24:40 > 0:24:43but me and Hal have something special.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47- Something no-one else could ever understand.- Which is?
0:24:47 > 0:24:52I keep him clean! Seeing me once a year stops him from killing.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56And has kept him from killing for more than two centuries.
0:24:56 > 0:25:02- What do you mean?- I was his last victim.- Is that what he told you?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Yes.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10You know what? It's not my business.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16But I...just really don't think that all these lies are that healthy.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Just tell him who you really are.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22But what if he doesn't want the new me?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Oh.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Sometimes, when he looks at me, it's like...
0:25:31 > 0:25:34..it's just on the tip of his tongue.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Yeah, you two really need to have a talk.
0:25:38 > 0:25:43No. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not ready.
0:25:43 > 0:25:48OK, listen. You've shown me your world. How about I show you mine?
0:25:49 > 0:25:53- Y'know, come see my gaff?- OK.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59SHRIEKING
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Cheers.
0:26:07 > 0:26:13- Larry. Might I have a quick word?- Shoot.
0:26:15 > 0:26:20I was just wondering how Tom's lessons were progressing?
0:26:20 > 0:26:25Yeah, very... We're at a delicate stage. We're breaking down barriers.
0:26:25 > 0:26:30- To replace them with?- Bridges. Castles. Affordable housing.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Actually, there's something I've been meaning to ask you -
0:26:33 > 0:26:36- did you ever meet Tom's father? - No, I never had that pleasure.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39But I'm right in thinking they kept him away from people?
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- And that Tom was home schooled? - That was my understanding.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Although I don't think McNair's lessons were exactly conventional.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48You must take some of the credit, of course,
0:26:48 > 0:26:49for helping Tom adjust to society.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Tom's been very resourceful in that area.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Sorry, are you saying you haven't taught him anything?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57I mean, you're obviously a man of breeding and intelligence,
0:26:57 > 0:26:59whereas Tom was almost literally raised by wolves.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01That's something of a sweeping statement.
0:27:01 > 0:27:07And yet you felt no compulsion to pass on any of your... No, fine.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Not really my place. Unbelievable.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12I suppose the greatest test of a teacher's work is
0:27:12 > 0:27:15whether the student thrives without them.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18It'll be interesting to see Tom implement all the things
0:27:18 > 0:27:20you've taught him...
0:27:21 > 0:27:22..once you've gone.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Once all of this is over.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31It's a big house.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35But not that big.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38How odd you must find our little set up here?
0:27:39 > 0:27:41How domesticated.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45Perhaps we are a little rigid but that structure seems to work for us.
0:27:45 > 0:27:51- And we'll do all we can to protect it.- I'll bear that in mind.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57My situation is not unique and I appreciate that.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59People lose their jobs every day.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01And when that happens,
0:28:01 > 0:28:05no doubt other aspects of their life expand to fill the void.
0:28:05 > 0:28:12The problem with my life is, there's nothing else there to expand.
0:28:12 > 0:28:18I don't have a family. I don't have any hobbies. The job was my life.
0:28:20 > 0:28:25But now that's gone. So I find myself at something of a loose end.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29'What was it that you did? Your job?'
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Oh. Civil service. Very dull...
0:28:35 > 0:28:39Well, that's what I always said. But it's something of a lie.
0:28:41 > 0:28:46My job was covert and dangerous, and required me
0:28:46 > 0:28:49to commit acts that will haunt me until the day I die.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54All in the name of holding back the tide.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57And if we simply step aside now,
0:28:57 > 0:29:00and allow that tide to wash over the world,
0:29:00 > 0:29:03then all my sacrifice has been for nothing.
0:29:03 > 0:29:07All those deaths have been for nothing.
0:29:09 > 0:29:10Do you understand?
0:29:12 > 0:29:15'Would you like me to tell you what I'm wearing?'
0:29:20 > 0:29:22Why not? Why not?
0:29:28 > 0:29:31You don't have to keep the suit on all the time.
0:29:31 > 0:29:33What happens if an exciting business opportunity arose
0:29:33 > 0:29:34and I'd taken it off?
0:29:34 > 0:29:37- Look a bit stupid then, wouldn't I?- Tom...
0:29:41 > 0:29:43..I need to talk to you about Larry.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54I don't think he's quite the success he's led us to believe.
0:29:54 > 0:29:58I wanted to know why we hadn't seen him on the television,
0:29:58 > 0:30:03so I did a search, a Google, and it turns out
0:30:03 > 0:30:05he was sacked, six months ago.
0:30:05 > 0:30:09You really can't stand it, can you?
0:30:09 > 0:30:12- Can't stand to see me winning. - Tom, this isn't winning.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20I've been thinking. What if I made you assistant manager?
0:30:20 > 0:30:23I don't want to be just your assistant. I want your job!
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Something tells me now that Larry's given me
0:30:27 > 0:30:30the skills that I need, you're worried I might just get it.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32Larry is a charlatan and a failure.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35He's not, he's a business guru and a motivated speaker.
0:30:35 > 0:30:39He's been filling your head with utter nonsense. Tom, these...
0:30:39 > 0:30:42attitudes he's encouraging - they're shallow,
0:30:42 > 0:30:45- they're aggressive. - All right, OK, all right!
0:30:45 > 0:30:49Maybe he's not a very nice guy. Maybe that's the truth.
0:30:49 > 0:30:54But d'you know what? I don't care. Because nice guys finish last, Hal.
0:30:54 > 0:30:56And I'm tired of finishing last.
0:30:56 > 0:30:59Because when you're there, you get to the finishing line,
0:30:59 > 0:31:01you find the pie's already gone.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03Because some bugger like you has already ate it.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05The success pie.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09Which is where they keep it. At the finishing line...
0:31:09 > 0:31:12on top of success mountain. I don't know really know how it works.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19- You don't have to stoop to his level. - Well, maybe I do, Hal.
0:31:19 > 0:31:20Because I'm sure of one thing -
0:31:20 > 0:31:23McNair would've wanted more for me than this.
0:31:23 > 0:31:27And I'm letting him down. Every day I'm letting him down.
0:31:29 > 0:31:31And maybe this is a way I can make him proud of me.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46Welcome to our humble abode.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50It used to be a cheesy B&B but I swear you would never know.
0:31:50 > 0:31:54Oh, don't sweat it, over the years I've seen some right sh...
0:31:54 > 0:31:58shining examples of Edwardian architecture.
0:31:58 > 0:32:02Oh, Tom's here. I thought you'd be at work.
0:32:02 > 0:32:05I didn't know we were expecting company. You should have said.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07Mary, this is Tom.
0:32:07 > 0:32:14And Larry, Tom's werewolf friend/lifestyle coach.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17Guilty as charged.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20You must've died a long time ago, dressed like that.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23I believe that questions as to a lady's age are considered
0:32:23 > 0:32:26inappropriate even in this barbaric age.
0:32:26 > 0:32:30I'm loving that whole Downton Abbey thing you've got going on there.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32Pretty sexy. Say something else.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35So might I take it you're Thomas's father?
0:32:36 > 0:32:40- I'm not that bloody old! - I apologise for any offence caused.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50- Lady Mary?- Lord Harry.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00- You are no longer in your home, you are outside?- Indeed.
0:33:00 > 0:33:04Mistress Alexandra persuaded me to take a quiet constitutional.
0:33:04 > 0:33:08We were just about to have some dinner. Would you like to join us?
0:33:12 > 0:33:15So. 250 years.
0:33:15 > 0:33:21Man, that's a long time to stay on the straight and narrow.
0:33:21 > 0:33:26- What's your secret, Hal?- Are my ears burning?- So ghosts really can't eat?
0:33:26 > 0:33:31No. We can't. It's tragic. Anyway, Hal, 250 years without blood.
0:33:31 > 0:33:34- That's quite an achievement. - So what else can't you do?
0:33:34 > 0:33:37I'm right in saying you can't take your clothes off, aren't I?
0:33:37 > 0:33:42- So does that also mean you can't, you know, have a bath?- No.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45It's a real shame. Anyway, Hal, Mary, blood - discuss.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47It is unfortunately very true.
0:33:47 > 0:33:52Yet, even though I've been dead for over 200 years,
0:33:52 > 0:33:55I am sure that I bathe more regularly
0:33:55 > 0:33:57than some people I could think of.
0:33:57 > 0:34:00I prefer showers! You're just sitting in your own muck in a bath.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02Oh, forget the baths, it's the shagging I miss.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04I think I need to go.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15- So I see the FTSE's gone up. Crazy!- Real pity.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18Real waste. Pretty girl like you...
0:34:19 > 0:34:22..that you'll never again know the love of a man.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26Do you want to stay a man?
0:34:26 > 0:34:29- Do you? Just nod.- Alex?
0:34:31 > 0:34:34OK. Then you don't talk to me. You don't look at me.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36You don't even think of me again.
0:34:36 > 0:34:40Because if you do, I will cut your nut sack off in the night.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42Oh, and mention one word of this to Hal...
0:34:50 > 0:34:52I've just got to catch up on some work.
0:35:03 > 0:35:04What have you done?
0:35:06 > 0:35:08- You've broken Mary!- I told you!
0:35:08 > 0:35:11- She only puts it on because she thinks you need it!- That's insane!
0:35:11 > 0:35:13Why would I need her to do such a thing?!
0:35:13 > 0:35:16Because somehow she has this crazy idea
0:35:16 > 0:35:18that she was your last ever victim!
0:35:20 > 0:35:22- You haven't told her, have you? - No, I haven't.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25But how the hell could you let her think that for so long?
0:35:25 > 0:35:27It's not exactly an easy topic to raise.
0:35:27 > 0:35:28Hal, she is turning down doors
0:35:28 > 0:35:32because she thinks it's keeping you clean. You have to tell her.
0:35:32 > 0:35:35I can't. It would destroy her. She's far too fragile.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37Hal, does she look fragile?!
0:35:44 > 0:35:45Your mate's a nutter.
0:35:45 > 0:35:49Yeah, well, yours is an arsehole. And a letch. And a bullshitter.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52- He's got a Jacuzzi.- Oh, stuff his Jacuzzi. Seriously, Tom,
0:35:52 > 0:35:55what are you even doing with that guy?
0:35:58 > 0:35:59Learning how to be like him.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10- Larry? You all right, mate? - Absolutely fine.
0:36:10 > 0:36:12What's on your mind there, Tom-Tom?
0:36:12 > 0:36:15- Bit weird down there with Mary, wasn't it?- Oh, that.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17To be honest, I'd forgotten all about that.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20It's all part of the game, Tom. All part of the game.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22- Your hand's bleeding.- Anything else?
0:36:22 > 0:36:25When are you going to be back on the telly?
0:36:25 > 0:36:27I'd really like Hal to see you in action.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29Well, if you must know,
0:36:29 > 0:36:31I'm taking some leave to pursue other opportunities.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34But I'll be back on again in a couple of weeks.
0:36:34 > 0:36:35Straight after the six o'clock news.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37Erm, I was thinking that...
0:36:37 > 0:36:40maybe tomorrow we could go round to your house
0:36:40 > 0:36:44and do some training, or go for a swim in the Jacuzzi or something.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47Ah. Sorry, but the old pile now belongs to my charming ex-wife.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50We can certainly go round there and put some windows through,
0:36:50 > 0:36:52- if you're up for it?- No, thanks.
0:36:52 > 0:36:55So you ain't got a house no more, no?
0:36:55 > 0:36:58Come on, Tom. "House", "job", "wife". Shackles by any other name.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01Who needs them really, huh?
0:37:02 > 0:37:04Hal was right, wasn't he?
0:37:04 > 0:37:07- It's all just made up. All just stories.- What?
0:37:07 > 0:37:09I wouldn't go listening to Hal.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12Look up "loser" in the dictionary, there's a picture of him.
0:37:12 > 0:37:16Or a drawing. I don't quite know how it works, but...
0:37:16 > 0:37:18You've been sleeping in your car, ain't ya?
0:37:18 > 0:37:21I've done enough dossing to know the signs.
0:37:21 > 0:37:24He's really got to you, hasn't he? I've gotta say, I'm disappointed.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26Stop it now, Larry.
0:37:26 > 0:37:29It ain't working no more, mate. Were you ever a success?
0:37:29 > 0:37:31Was it all just lies?
0:37:31 > 0:37:33If I ever lied to you it was only to protect you.
0:37:33 > 0:37:35I did have it all, once upon a time.
0:37:35 > 0:37:38Then the werewolf came and gobbled it all up.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41How? How did it gobble it all up?
0:37:41 > 0:37:44- What does that even mean?- You were turned as a baby, weren't you?
0:37:44 > 0:37:46You've never known anything else.
0:37:46 > 0:37:48You don't know how the wolf changes you.
0:37:48 > 0:37:52You see, it's not just one night a month. It's every day, every hour.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55- No, it's not. Most of the time we're normal.- How would you know?
0:37:55 > 0:37:59You've never seen yourself without it. I know it changed me.
0:37:59 > 0:38:02I've got instincts now which I never had before.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04New drives. Aggression.
0:38:04 > 0:38:08Lust. That's how it started - I cheated on my wife.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11Piece by piece, the wolf took it all away.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14The houses, the job, the money.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17- Well, I ain't like that. I'm nothing like that.- What? No aggression?
0:38:17 > 0:38:19How many vampires have you killed?
0:38:19 > 0:38:22Or maybe the wolf is holding you back in other ways.
0:38:22 > 0:38:23How would you know?
0:38:23 > 0:38:28Maybe there's a smart, successful Tom inside that has all the answers.
0:38:28 > 0:38:29Who, sadly, we'll never meet.
0:38:29 > 0:38:33Yeah, but, you gave me that book. You said if I learnt it...
0:38:33 > 0:38:35I've never even read that book.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37I don't think any of us stands a chance against the wolf.
0:38:37 > 0:38:42Because it always wins. For us, this is as good as it gets.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50You shouldn't have come back.
0:38:51 > 0:38:55- You and Hal need to talk about this. - He doesn't even know me any more.
0:38:57 > 0:38:58So introduce yourself.
0:39:00 > 0:39:07And I like action films - erm, John Woo, Jackie Chan...
0:39:08 > 0:39:11..and the music of Metallica.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14I watch cage fighting.
0:39:14 > 0:39:15SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
0:39:15 > 0:39:17I shoplift...
0:39:17 > 0:39:18quite a lot.
0:39:18 > 0:39:24And I push people over sometimes if I don't like their shoes...
0:39:24 > 0:39:26or their faces.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31Suppose this must all be a bit of a head-fuck.
0:39:32 > 0:39:36That's certainly... one way of putting it.
0:39:36 > 0:39:38Well, actually, Mary,
0:39:38 > 0:39:42Hal has a little secret that he wants to tell you.
0:39:43 > 0:39:45Really?
0:39:47 > 0:39:49What's that then, Hal?
0:39:52 > 0:39:56Alex has been telling me that you have been turning down doors,
0:39:56 > 0:40:01thinking that your presence here has been keeping me from killing.
0:40:01 > 0:40:04I'm sorry to break this to you, Mary, but that simply isn't true.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06You have been a loyal and close friend.
0:40:06 > 0:40:08But you weren't my last victim.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16You...are...
0:40:17 > 0:40:19..shitting me.
0:40:19 > 0:40:22Many times, I tried to raise the courage to tell you...
0:40:22 > 0:40:25You had CENTURIES of lying.
0:40:25 > 0:40:31Centuries of bowing and fawning and babbling about the fucking weather.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34Centuries of knowing how I felt about you.
0:40:34 > 0:40:39- Centuries of letting me think you felt the same.- And I did!
0:40:39 > 0:40:44Perhaps not in that way. But I'm totally clean now.
0:40:44 > 0:40:48It must be over 50 years since I last killed a human for blood.
0:40:48 > 0:40:49Oh, that's OK then(!)
0:40:49 > 0:40:54Because that only makes me an idiot for, what, 200 years?
0:40:54 > 0:40:56And you knew? Wow.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58You covered for this tosser?
0:40:58 > 0:41:02But now, you're...you're free.
0:41:02 > 0:41:06- You're free to pass over. - Well, thank you.
0:41:06 > 0:41:08Thank you very much(!)
0:41:08 > 0:41:11You've really solved my life.
0:41:15 > 0:41:17You utter wanker.
0:41:23 > 0:41:26I'm not going to lie, that could have gone better.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29250 years I've been visiting her!
0:41:29 > 0:41:32Five minutes with you and she's threatening to castrate people
0:41:32 > 0:41:34and accusing me of onanism.
0:41:34 > 0:41:37Accusing you of what?
0:41:37 > 0:41:39Masturbation.
0:41:39 > 0:41:42This whole business really makes me doubt you.
0:41:42 > 0:41:46Am I just the latest in a long line of dead girls who,
0:41:46 > 0:41:50who you lean on and who trust you and who you lie to?
0:41:50 > 0:41:52CLATTERING
0:41:54 > 0:41:55Sorry, couldn't help overhearing.
0:41:55 > 0:41:59I was just down there looking for something for...ten minutes.
0:41:59 > 0:42:03- Why are you dressed like that? - I'm only saving the day!
0:42:03 > 0:42:05Covering Tom's shift.
0:42:05 > 0:42:09- I used to do bar work back in the old student days.- Where is Tom?
0:42:09 > 0:42:13Yeah, a little bit awkward, that. Erm, I think he's left.
0:42:13 > 0:42:15Left what? The job?
0:42:15 > 0:42:16No. The house.
0:42:16 > 0:42:20He said something about it not working out, trying to be human.
0:42:20 > 0:42:22And then he packed a bag and left. Maybe it's for the best.
0:42:22 > 0:42:26Like you said yourself, Hal, it was getting a little bit cramped.
0:42:28 > 0:42:30Oh, yeah, it's all coming back to me now.
0:42:32 > 0:42:33SMASH!
0:42:33 > 0:42:36I will pay for that, obviously.
0:43:02 > 0:43:04- Tom? Are you in there?- No.
0:43:07 > 0:43:11- How did you know I was 'ere?- We know how much McNair meant to you, Tom.
0:43:11 > 0:43:15- His grave seemed a good bet. - How are the funds going, Tom?
0:43:16 > 0:43:19- For his gravestone?- I've changed me mind. I don't want a gravestone.
0:43:19 > 0:43:22- I've spent the money. It's gone. - Tom, did Larry take all the money?
0:43:22 > 0:43:27He were a surveyor. McNair. Did you know that? Before he got bit.
0:43:28 > 0:43:32He never told me. I had to find it out. He was a success.
0:43:34 > 0:43:35And then he turned into a werewolf.
0:43:35 > 0:43:38And he ended up living in the woods in a van.
0:43:38 > 0:43:43- And raising a son who was courageous and motivated and generous.- No.
0:43:43 > 0:43:44Larry was right.
0:43:44 > 0:43:48It's a waste of time wolves trying to better themselves and fit in.
0:43:48 > 0:43:51This is where we always end up. In the woods, poaching rabbits.
0:43:51 > 0:43:53This is as good as it gets for us.
0:43:53 > 0:43:56Tom, you have one night a month to worry about.
0:43:56 > 0:44:00- You're the closest to human of all of us.- Yeah, I used to think that too.
0:44:00 > 0:44:03Then Larry put me straight. The wolf never sleeps.
0:44:03 > 0:44:06- He's always there, inside me, making me dumb.- Tom!
0:44:08 > 0:44:09That is utter nonsense.
0:44:09 > 0:44:12And if that's what Larry's been telling you, then he is despicable.
0:44:12 > 0:44:15No, it's good. All this time I thought I was the problem.
0:44:15 > 0:44:18But it's not my fault, it's the wolf. So it's OK, innit?
0:44:23 > 0:44:26- Let's say that's true. - Hal! What are you..?- No!
0:44:26 > 0:44:30Let's say you have a monster inside you. All the time.
0:44:30 > 0:44:35Pulling at your strings. Tormenting you. Itching to see you fail...
0:44:36 > 0:44:39Well, join the club! Come on in!
0:44:39 > 0:44:41Because if you do, if all of that is true,
0:44:41 > 0:44:44then this is where you prove your worth.
0:44:44 > 0:44:48By fighting it. By defying it. By proving it wrong.
0:44:48 > 0:44:53By standing toe to toe with it every day and spitting in its face.
0:44:53 > 0:44:56Did Larry tell you he lost his wife and his job because of the wolf?
0:44:56 > 0:44:57Tom, whatever Larry's problems are,
0:44:57 > 0:45:00you can be damn sure they're nothing to do with him being a werewolf
0:45:00 > 0:45:03and everything to do with him being a failure.
0:45:03 > 0:45:05You are nothing like him.
0:45:05 > 0:45:08You are stronger in every way.
0:45:08 > 0:45:11You are a good man. The best I've ever known.
0:45:11 > 0:45:13Not a success though, am I?
0:45:14 > 0:45:19Yes, you are. By all the measures that matter.
0:45:19 > 0:45:21That's just a wishy-washy way of saying "failure", isn't it?
0:45:21 > 0:45:24Look, I know both of you mean well. But this is for the best.
0:45:24 > 0:45:27Really, it is. I know where I am in the woods. It's like coming home.
0:45:27 > 0:45:30I don't have to dress up or learn stupid rules.
0:45:30 > 0:45:33I can stop pretending I'm normal.
0:45:33 > 0:45:37I don't have to try for anything more. This is enough for me.
0:45:39 > 0:45:40It's enough.
0:46:01 > 0:46:02- Out!- I'm sorry?
0:46:02 > 0:46:05I'll spell it out: You. Gone. Now!
0:46:05 > 0:46:08I'm guessing this is something to do with Tom, right?
0:46:08 > 0:46:12Look, whatever he's chosen to believe has nothing to do with me.
0:46:12 > 0:46:15We both know he's not the sharpest tool in the shed.
0:46:15 > 0:46:18- You've got five minutes to pack your case.- But this is my home, Hal.
0:46:18 > 0:46:22Do you think if you say something enough times it makes it true?
0:46:22 > 0:46:25"This is my home"? "It wasn't me, it was the wolf"?
0:46:25 > 0:46:28- You know nothing of the wolf. - But I know people.
0:46:28 > 0:46:31I know the lies they tell themselves to cover up their own failings.
0:46:31 > 0:46:34There's only one person to blame for what's happened to you.
0:46:34 > 0:46:38- And he's standing right in front of me.- Shut your mouth,
0:46:38 > 0:46:42you arrogant little shit. You don't know me. You don't scare me either.
0:46:42 > 0:46:43I should.
0:46:43 > 0:46:47Because there is something within me that I've been holding back.
0:46:47 > 0:46:49And it so wants to be free.
0:46:49 > 0:46:54- And what you did to Tom has given it the perfect excuse.- Woooooo(!)
0:46:54 > 0:46:59This is your chance, Larry, your only chance to be the wise man
0:46:59 > 0:47:02who walks away and lives to see another day.
0:47:38 > 0:47:44- You know how this ends?- What? - You. Here. In a tent.
0:47:46 > 0:47:48You know how this ends? Mary.
0:47:50 > 0:47:53She gave up the fight, she let it overwhelm her.
0:47:53 > 0:47:58- Now she's all alone and mad as a badger.- I'm nothing like her.- Yeah.
0:47:58 > 0:48:03Neither am I - yet. I bet she didn't plan on ending up like that, either.
0:48:07 > 0:48:10You've got to stay part of something, y'know?
0:48:11 > 0:48:13You've got to stay...anchored.
0:48:15 > 0:48:20And it's OK for you because, well, you can be seen and do stuff.
0:48:20 > 0:48:23Whereas the only thing I can be part of is the "Tom, Hal and Alex" gang.
0:48:23 > 0:48:27- So I'd be coming home for you?- Yeah.
0:48:28 > 0:48:32Yeah, I'm just going to put it out there.
0:48:32 > 0:48:34I want you to come back because...
0:48:36 > 0:48:39..well, because Mary's scared the shit out of me.
0:48:40 > 0:48:43And I'm scared that without you two that...
0:48:43 > 0:48:45Well, that's going to be me
0:48:45 > 0:48:49crouched over a bog watching other people shag.
0:48:49 > 0:48:53Long story. And it's about you as well.
0:48:54 > 0:48:58You're the best out of all of us, Tom. You just don't realise it.
0:49:02 > 0:49:07- I've got a surprise for you. - Well, there's a...coincidence.
0:49:09 > 0:49:11Hello, Alex.
0:49:11 > 0:49:15Hal was just telling me how truly sorry he is for this whole business.
0:49:15 > 0:49:17It was really quite moving.
0:49:17 > 0:49:18Mary...
0:49:20 > 0:49:21..you don't want to do this.
0:49:21 > 0:49:24Why do people always say that?
0:49:24 > 0:49:29- This is exactly what I want to do, which is why I'm doing it.- Mary.
0:49:29 > 0:49:31I am eternally grateful to you
0:49:31 > 0:49:33for the years you've dedicated to my wellbeing.
0:49:33 > 0:49:36Oh, my God, do you ever listen to yourself?
0:49:36 > 0:49:39It's like the shipping forecast took a shit in your ear.
0:49:39 > 0:49:42You were my rock. You helped me stay clean for so many years.
0:49:42 > 0:49:45That is worth more to me than I can say!
0:49:45 > 0:49:47Yeah, but it didn't last for ever, did it?
0:49:47 > 0:49:50So then you drink again and then you're clean again,
0:49:50 > 0:49:52and then you drink again.
0:49:52 > 0:49:56On and on and on and on. How long until you kill again, Hal?
0:49:57 > 0:50:00How many lives will I be saving when I kill you today?
0:50:33 > 0:50:35Oh.
0:50:35 > 0:50:37My little girl's all grown up.
0:50:38 > 0:50:41But I've been doing this for a very long time.
0:50:49 > 0:50:52It's all right, I've got it, I think!
0:50:52 > 0:50:54You can just run off, you know.
0:50:54 > 0:50:57- We've got this.- What?
0:50:57 > 0:51:00I said, "We have got this."
0:51:00 > 0:51:02He's our responsibility now.
0:51:02 > 0:51:06We'll make sure he doesn't kill again. Won't we, Tom?
0:51:06 > 0:51:08Absolutely. Can we just wrap this up now, please?
0:51:08 > 0:51:10Oh, no. He needs to suffer.
0:51:10 > 0:51:13Every day he fights with the monster he might become.
0:51:13 > 0:51:15You think that isn't suffering?
0:51:15 > 0:51:20You've had centuries of making him your problem. I know it hurts.
0:51:20 > 0:51:25And I know that your heart is breaking. But it's time to let go.
0:51:26 > 0:51:28He's our problem now.
0:51:37 > 0:51:40It's OK. I'm fine. Don't worry about me!
0:51:40 > 0:51:41Don't worry.
0:51:55 > 0:51:56So. What now?
0:51:57 > 0:52:00- I guess you don't have to keep coming back here- any more. No.
0:52:02 > 0:52:05I think it's high time for a new country.
0:52:05 > 0:52:08And maybe a whole new personality.
0:52:08 > 0:52:11Yeah, I could be a ditsy tourist.
0:52:11 > 0:52:13Or a crazy eco-warrior.
0:52:13 > 0:52:16Go scare the shit out of some loggers in the Amazon.
0:52:18 > 0:52:22He's not a bad man. Not any more.
0:52:22 > 0:52:25Where have I heard that before? Oh, yes.
0:52:25 > 0:52:28It was me for 250 years.
0:52:28 > 0:52:32Right. Why don't we just try and leave this on a civil note, hmm?
0:52:32 > 0:52:33How's that sound?
0:52:39 > 0:52:44Goodbye, Lady Mary. It's certainly been an experience.
0:52:44 > 0:52:47I hope you know what you're taking on.
0:52:47 > 0:52:50Cos the man that killed me isn't gone. He's just sleeping.
0:52:50 > 0:52:51And he's a very good liar.
0:52:53 > 0:52:56How long until you're the one holding the stake?
0:53:07 > 0:53:09So he just upped and left?
0:53:09 > 0:53:14- I'll be honest, Tom. I didn't leave him a lot of choice.- Good riddance.
0:53:14 > 0:53:18He was a bit of a wrong un, wasn't he? I've been a bit of an idiot.
0:53:18 > 0:53:21- Sorry, Hal.- You've nothing to apologise for.- No, I have.
0:53:21 > 0:53:23I let him get to me. The wolf ain't holding me back.
0:53:23 > 0:53:27Nothing's holding me back. I've just got to try harder, that's all.
0:53:27 > 0:53:30- I can be anything I want to be. We all can.- That's quite an insight.
0:53:30 > 0:53:33- Maybe I should spend some time in the woods.- No, you don't want to do that.
0:53:33 > 0:53:36It's crap, damp and itchy. That's why I came home, really.
0:53:36 > 0:53:40- I needed a shower.- Of course it is. - Hal, while I've got you, mate.
0:53:40 > 0:53:43- That job opportunity. Is it still open?- Assistant manager?
0:53:43 > 0:53:47- That's the bunny. - It's yours if you want it, Tom.
0:53:47 > 0:53:51Well, I'll have my people call your people and set something up.
0:53:51 > 0:53:55- You do that.- Mary didn't know you like we know you, Hal.
0:53:55 > 0:53:57You're a good bloke.
0:53:57 > 0:53:58Thank you.
0:54:02 > 0:54:06'This is your chance, Larry, your only chance to be the wise man...'
0:54:06 > 0:54:10who walks away and lives to see another day.
0:54:15 > 0:54:19- So. We're more alike than I thought.- We are nothing alike.
0:54:19 > 0:54:21When you look at me you see the monster you hide.
0:54:21 > 0:54:23You believe whatever you want. Just go.
0:54:23 > 0:54:25I'm a little too wild for your liking, aren't I?
0:54:25 > 0:54:28A little too unpredictable, a little too...complete.
0:54:28 > 0:54:30It's clearly helped you make such a success of your life(!)
0:54:30 > 0:54:33Didn't you tell Tom all that stuff was unimportant?
0:54:33 > 0:54:36Instead I've got no struggle, no tug of war. Just one voice. One life.
0:54:36 > 0:54:39One me. Seeing that's got to hurt.
0:54:39 > 0:54:43- I strongly suggest you take a step backwards.- You know what?
0:54:43 > 0:54:47I think you're just one big PR exercise. You think I'm a fraud?
0:54:47 > 0:54:51Well, I guess you'd know the signs. "I'll huff and I'll puff!" Wooo(!)
0:54:51 > 0:54:54Come on, let's see this Big Bad Hal that's got everyone so scared.
0:54:54 > 0:54:56- You don't know what you're doing. - Maybe I do. Maybe I want this.
0:54:56 > 0:55:00Maybe I want to see the monster. Come on. Let him out. Let's play.
0:55:00 > 0:55:02If he's even real! You've got the others fooled.
0:55:02 > 0:55:05It's not exactly hard, is it? A slag and a retard.
0:55:07 > 0:55:08You want to talk to the real me?
0:55:15 > 0:55:18Hello, Larry. Here I am. Did you want to speak to me?
0:55:20 > 0:55:21Hello? Hello!
0:55:37 > 0:55:41MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:55:51 > 0:55:53Hello?
0:55:53 > 0:55:55I believe I have some work for you.
0:56:02 > 0:56:04I'll be right over.
0:56:20 > 0:56:22MARY: 'How long until you kill again, Hal?'
0:56:29 > 0:56:31Bobby. Excellent.
0:56:33 > 0:56:37Mr Rook always says that I'm a savage and deadly predator.
0:56:37 > 0:56:40There is no Ian. There is only Crumb.
0:56:40 > 0:56:42CACKLING
0:56:42 > 0:56:43Let's do this.
0:57:07 > 0:57:10Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd