0:00:02 > 0:00:04So, when the bottle of cold liquid nitrogen
0:00:04 > 0:00:06hits the warm water, it will expand
0:00:06 > 0:00:10and explode, and... HE CHUCKLES
0:00:10 > 0:00:12..just to spice things up a little bit, we have...
0:00:12 > 0:00:17Pat. ..1,000 Ping-Pong balls.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Pat.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Take it away, Pat. Go on. Pat.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24MR CHURCH CHUCKLES
0:00:24 > 0:00:25Off you go.
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Cover your ears, everybody!
0:00:32 > 0:00:33SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:00:38 > 0:00:39WEAK CHUCKLE
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Hang on, don't go.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42You'll miss the, um...
0:00:45 > 0:00:47SOFT GUITAR MUSIC
0:00:54 > 0:00:56# When I think about the days
0:00:56 > 0:00:59# There is something of a haze about it
0:01:02 > 0:01:04# When we said we'd never change
0:01:04 > 0:01:08# Well, we never stopped to think about it
0:01:08 > 0:01:12# No, we're not the same
0:01:12 > 0:01:16# But let's not break the chain
0:01:16 > 0:01:20# We should play this game together. #
0:01:24 > 0:01:26TUNE IS WHISTLED
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Good morning, everyone. Can I have your attention, please?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55- I have a very important announcement to make.- Keith...
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Quiet, please. I've long been aware that
0:01:58 > 0:02:01the pupils here at Greybridge have zero interest in education...
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- Not now.- Mr Barber, I'm talking.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05..but it seems the teachers have even less.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Yes, I'm talking about you lot.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- Deal with it. - I don't think this is the time.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11This is the perfect time.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12So, after a week's reflection,
0:02:12 > 0:02:16- I have decided to hand in this letter of resignation.- I'm sorry, but...
0:02:16 > 0:02:19And where is Mrs Kent? Late again, I imagine!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21She's dead.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Completely dead?
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Yes!
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Did you not get my text?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30No, I didn't need to make any calls over half-term,
0:02:30 > 0:02:31so I didn't turn my phone on.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32How did she, um...?
0:02:32 > 0:02:36French A-level trip. Eating a crepe. Nut allergy.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Daft old cow didn't realise Nutella's got nuts in it.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Tragically, she didn't know the French for anaphylactic shock.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44TEXT ALERT I've got it now.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47"Linda dead." When's the funeral?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49TEXT ALERT Oh, yesterday.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- MR BARBER: - Wish I had a nut allergy.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54One fun-sized Snickers, I'd end it all.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- Don't say that. Life is precious. - Well, mine isn't.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Have you seen the graffiti those kids did about me this morning?
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Oh, Mrs Kent. What can you say about Mrs Kent,
0:03:04 > 0:03:06other than...she was Mrs Kent?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Kenty. Kent face.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Mrs K.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Special K.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12The KKK.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15She didn't like being called that.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18The thing I'll always remember about Mrs Kent is...
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Are you going to hand that letter of resignation in?
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Oh, yes, yes. I'll... I'll do it now.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27RUN!
0:03:29 > 0:03:31I love everything French,
0:03:31 > 0:03:35not just the language - the history, the romance,
0:03:35 > 0:03:36the...bread.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39I say to myself, "Don't just teach these kids French.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41"Let them be French."
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Dirty people, dirty country.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45- May I sit down? - I'd rather you didn't.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47I've just had the chairs upholstered.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Now, you've got a lot to live up to, Miss, er...
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- Postern. - DOOR OPENS
0:03:55 > 0:03:57- Lavatory's next door, Mr Hubble.- Oh.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00They've moved it.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05One of the pupils?
0:04:05 > 0:04:06What did you say?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09I said, "Is he one of the pupils?"
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Clearly not! He's a teacher.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- I was...just making a joke. - Please don't do that again.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Anything else you'd like to add?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Well, I should tell you that
0:04:20 > 0:04:23my teaching methods are... How can I put it?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26- ..unconventional.- Like what?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I get the kids up playing vocab tennis. I serve up
0:04:29 > 0:04:32a French word and they return it to me with a translation.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Let me serve one up for you.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- SHE GRUNTS - Boulangerie.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40The whole thing's utterly excruciating.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43The kids absolutely love it.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44They're just humouring you.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46They're just humouring YOU, you mean.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48- What do you mean by that?! - I don't know.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Morning! Awful news about Linda.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Yes, I was one of the first to know.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Beautiful funeral. Didn't see you, though.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Yes, well, there was a separate service
0:05:01 > 0:05:04for family and very close friends and I went to that.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Obviously, there was no administrative staff invited.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Oh, oh, you can't go in there.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09She's just in with a new French teacher.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11I'm sorry, this can't wait.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13I'm busy!
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- I have a very important letter for you.- Hello.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Oh...
0:05:19 > 0:05:22I'm Sarah - Mrs Kent's replacement.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Not that anybody could replace her, but I'm replacing her.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Mr... Mr...
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Mis...
0:05:30 > 0:05:31Mr Church.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Keith Church.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34All the kids call me Churchy.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38- No, they don't. What's in the letter?- Oh, nothing.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- Oh! Sorry, was that your foot?- It's all right, I've got another one.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Oh! "Got another one," she says. Very comical.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I was the funny one in my last school.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Looks like it'll be the same here.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50- Give me the letter. - Oh, no, it's best I...
0:05:50 > 0:05:52just read it to you. "Dear Headmistress,
0:05:52 > 0:05:55"just to say how much I'm enjoying my time at the school
0:05:55 > 0:05:58"and I hope for it to continue for many years to come.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00"Also, it was lovely to meet
0:06:00 > 0:06:02"the hilarious new French teacher, Susan..."
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Sarah.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Uh... "..and just to say she has very, very, very beautiful hair."
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Mmm. I get that a lot.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14"Yours sincerely, Keith Church, Deputy Head of Science."
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- And all that was in the letter, was it?- Yes, it was, so...
0:06:17 > 0:06:18there's no need for you to read it
0:06:18 > 0:06:21and I won't take up any more of your time. Ha-ha-ha!
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Au revoir!
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Vous parlez francais!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26HE MUTTERS GIBBERISH
0:06:26 > 0:06:28No, you don't, do you?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35And to avoid another Nutella fatality,
0:06:35 > 0:06:37I think we should all know that
0:06:37 > 0:06:39the French for anaphylactic shock is...
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Choc anaphylactique.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Really?! She should have guessed that.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Would you like to introduce yourself to the school,
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- say a few words?- Oh!
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Hello!
0:06:57 > 0:07:01OK. Um, make some noise if you think French is boring.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:07:04 > 0:07:06All right. And let's have a really big shout out from anyone
0:07:06 > 0:07:08who thinks learning a new language
0:07:08 > 0:07:10is a complete and utter waste of time.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- But what if I was to tell you...? - Thank you.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- I really did mean just a few words. - Oh, right. Well, obviously,
0:07:20 > 0:07:23I hadn't finished because I was going to do a little thing.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25You've established that French is boring,
0:07:25 > 0:07:26and I have to wonder why you did that.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER
0:07:28 > 0:07:32- Right, um, can I just do a little bit of vocab tennis?- Sit down.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40So, pupils past and present are welcome at
0:07:40 > 0:07:44the commemorative service for Mrs Kent a week on Sunday.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Mr Church.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Toilets...
0:07:54 > 0:08:00Now, I spoke to you last term about graffiti and I'm sorry to say that
0:08:00 > 0:08:05an obscene picture has appeared on the walls of the boys' lavatories.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08This is completely unacceptable and must stop now.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10That is all.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14- Sir, what's in the picture? - Well, I'd rather not say.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Well, if they don't know what's in the picture,
0:08:17 > 0:08:20how are they going to know what NOT to draw?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Well...
0:08:26 > 0:08:30..there's a bald-headed gentleman who resembles Mr Barber...
0:08:30 > 0:08:34and, er, he's kneeling.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Part of his anatomy is exposed
0:08:37 > 0:08:39and, er... Ahem.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41..he's engaging with a sheep.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- What's the sheep doing?- Oh, er...
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Well, the sheep is saying...
0:08:46 > 0:08:50- "Harder, Mr Baa-baa." MR BARBER:- Oh!
0:08:50 > 0:08:51PUPILS BLEAT
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Baa!
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Baa!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Excuse me, do you know the way to the language block?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Yes.
0:09:19 > 0:09:24Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was born in 1756 in Salzburg, Austria.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25Boring!
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Sorry, guys.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Mozart is totally yawnsville.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32The problem with classical music is
0:09:32 > 0:09:34it doesn't have a good beat to it.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36# Ai-uh-ih-ai-uh
0:09:36 > 0:09:38# Ai-uh-ih-ai-uh. #
0:09:39 > 0:09:42You don't get a beat like that in one of Mozart's...tracks.
0:09:42 > 0:09:47So, this term, instead of learning about Mozart, or Beethoven,
0:09:47 > 0:09:49or...one of the other ones,
0:09:49 > 0:09:51we're going to learn about these guys.
0:09:51 > 0:09:56Ricky, Andrew, Simon, Nick "Peanut" - aka the Kaiser Chiefs.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57KNOCK ON DOOR
0:09:59 > 0:10:00Hello.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- Lost teacher alert!- Hi.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- Where is 4B?- Don't you want to hang out with us and learn about
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- the Kaiser Chiefs?- I would love to,
0:10:07 > 0:10:11but if I don't get to my classroom soon, I predict a riot!
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- What?- That's one of their songs.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Don't know that one. 4B is down the corridor, on the right.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- Laters.- Laters.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21Psshh...
0:10:23 > 0:10:25My last school was very urban.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31So, if I catch you one more time with alcohol on school property,
0:10:31 > 0:10:33I'll have no option but to suspend you.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Do I get it back after school, Miss?
0:10:35 > 0:10:36No, you do not, Beyonce.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Now, get out.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46DOOR OPENS
0:10:46 > 0:10:47I can't take any more.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Look, I'm not giving you any more sick leave.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Please!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- Take your hands off the furniture! - For God's sake, help me, woman!
0:10:53 > 0:10:55I'm having a textbook nervous breakdown.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Mr Barber, in order to get paid leave,
0:10:57 > 0:11:00it'll take a damn sight more than a bit of graffiti
0:11:00 > 0:11:03and 200 children chanting, "Baa!
0:11:03 > 0:11:05"Baa! Baa!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07"Baa!"
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Look, all I...all I need is just the...the rest of the year off.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Oh, grow a pair! Of course the children are going to pick on you.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16You're Welsh, you're bald, you're fat.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18They don't pick on me for being fat.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Then they're missing a trick. Now, please leave me.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22I'm very busy.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Oh, G...
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Je m'appelle Mademoiselle Postern.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33Why are you speaking foreign?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Because this is French GCSE.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40So, what sort of things were you doing with Mrs Kent?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- She just let us go down the shops, Miss.- Well,
0:11:42 > 0:11:45I've got something better than the shops.
0:11:45 > 0:11:50It's a game I invented - les murmures francais.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51French whispers.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53It's a little bit different,
0:11:53 > 0:11:54- so bear with me.- Is it...?
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Just a moment. It's like Chinese whispers, but...
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- Yeah, we know.- Ah, ah, ah! The difference is...
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Is it Chinese whispers in French?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05It is Chinese whispers in French. Well done.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21OK. What's the phrase? Nice and loud, so we can all hear.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25Ryan and Callum are bum chums!
0:12:25 > 0:12:26CHUCKLING
0:12:26 > 0:12:27No.
0:12:27 > 0:12:33That would be, Ryan et Callum sont les copains bum.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Oh. Oh, Miss Postern, please, have my seat.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55So, do you, um, live in the local area, or...?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Why don't you grab a free chair from over there?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Good plan.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02This seat taken?
0:13:02 > 0:13:03- Yes.- Oh.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- This one?- Yes.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07- This one?- Yes.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- How about this one? - They're all taken.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11I understand. This one?
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Yes!
0:13:13 > 0:13:16I don't know who they're all for. He normally sits on his own.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Oh, anyway, I prefer eating standing up, it aids digestion.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Oh!
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Oh, so the kids were going bananas.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Your teaching this morning was inspirational.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Well, I always like to give the kids 110%.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Me too.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35- But 100% would be the maximum. - Not for me.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37For everyone. You can only have 100% of something.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Yes, I know, and that's what I give, plus an extra 10%.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44You can't. Let's not fall out over this.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47No, let's not. But just so you know, I do give 110%.
0:13:47 > 0:13:52Teachers like us, who give the maximum percentage possible,
0:13:52 > 0:13:54are, sadly, in the minority here.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56The teaching standards at this school are at an all-time low.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59That's why he's resigning. Thank God.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- Oh. Oh, are you leaving us? - Oh, no, I'm not resigning.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Typical drama teachers, over-dramatising everything!
0:14:05 > 0:14:06Bollocks, with a cherry on top.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09He had a letter for the headmistress.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10Oh, is that what that was?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13What prompted the 360-degree turn?
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Well, I just... I just thought with your arrival,
0:14:17 > 0:14:19there was a fresh energy at the school.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Oh, well, thank you.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23It was a 180-degree turn.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25360 would put you back where you started.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Coffee?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Oh, I don't know if they told you,
0:14:31 > 0:14:35but I'm one of the longest-serving teachers here at Greybridge.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Huh! I've actually been
0:14:36 > 0:14:39rattling around these corridors for 15 years now.
0:14:39 > 0:14:44Really?! Oh, I couldn't imagine working in one place for that long.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- How long were you at your last school?- 12 years.- Oh.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51So, what does your husband say about you joining the school?
0:14:51 > 0:14:52He says...
0:14:52 > 0:14:56- IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: - "Hello, I'm an imaginary husband."
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Because I'm not married.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Oh, interesting.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Your, er, boyfriend, then?
0:15:03 > 0:15:09He says, "Hello, I'm an imaginary boyfriend!" Bec...
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Well, you get my drift.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Mmm...
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- Are you married? - Only to chemistry.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Oh!
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Oh, it's a good-sized staff room.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Before you ask, no, I don't have a girlfriend.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23I'm just sort of dating at the moment.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- He's never dated anyone.- I have. - Who have you dated, then?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Well, there's a long list. Well...page of A4.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- Oh.- Go on, then. Name some.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- Miss Postern has some lessons to plan.- Oh, no, it's all right.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39- I've still got some coffee to drink. Plenty of time.- Go on.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Well, there was, er, Catherine...
0:15:43 > 0:15:45..Anne. Jane.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Another Anne.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Kathryn. Another Katherine.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Those are the names of Henry VIII's wives.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54- Rumbled!- No, I think you'll find
0:15:54 > 0:15:56the spelling of some of the Catherines is different.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59- He's a virgin. - I am not! I've had plenty of sex.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Well, the appropriate amount.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05I, er, haven't introduced myself. Trevor Gunn.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Um, oh, hello.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Now, don't tell me. Let me guess. I'm good at this sort of thing.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14You teach...pottery.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15MR CHURCH: Oh!
0:16:15 > 0:16:17- Ha-ha-ha-ha!- No.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Teaches pottery! I get it.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Well, I'm glad somebody does.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Mr Gunn actually teaches games.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- Yes, I know.- No, it's not called "games". It's physical education.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28Actually, it's one of the hardest degrees to do.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Imagine that. Three years learning to pump up a football(!)
0:16:32 > 0:16:34That was one module! So, do you live local?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37- Don't feel you have to answer that. - I'd love to have you over one night.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Will have to be when his mother's gone to bed.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Yeah, big whoop(!) I live at home with me mum.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44She does all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the washing.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46I mean, I'm living the dream. If I get married,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- I'll put her in a home, obviously. - Wow! Bet she can't wait for that(!)
0:16:48 > 0:16:51That put him in his place.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Huh! Well, I'll have to be off now,
0:16:54 > 0:16:58but I look forward to some more of this knockabout banter later.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Oh, dear!
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- I'm going to ruin that.- Oh, dear.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12This Friday, Mum's got Senior Zumba. Got the place to myself.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Get her over, Chinese takeaway, slip her a length.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Miss Postern does not look like the sort of woman who eats takeaway.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20It's going to happen, mate. I've had very woman here.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- Oh, not this again.- Every single one.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Mm... The headmistress?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27No.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Mrs Klebb?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34No, she's a lezzer.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Pat?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41We're talking intercourse, or, um...?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43HE GROANS
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Nah, she don't mean nothin'.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51I just lost my phone, which is why I didn't answer...
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Yeah, well, I found it now.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Manyou, this is meant to be a detention.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57I'm on the phone.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00..Look, babe, I'll come see you later, yeah?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02..Hey, what time does this thing end?
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- It's five o'clock. - Nah, nah, nah. I need to go.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08..Look, babe, I'll come see you about half four.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Manyou, what were you put in detention for?
0:18:11 > 0:18:15- Using my phone in school. - Was that your girlfriend?
0:18:15 > 0:18:16- One of 'em.- Oh!
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Ha-ha! You remind me of me at your age.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20I was quite the Jack-the-lad.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25I'm just a bit out of practice. I just, er...
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Out of interest, how do you tell a lady that you like her?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30I just text her a picture of my knob.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Yes, but if you don't have a phone that sends picture messages.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36- Look, if you want to bang this new French teacher...- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:18:36 > 0:18:38That is quite enough of that!
0:18:40 > 0:18:42But what were you going to say?
0:18:42 > 0:18:47Right, it's no biggie. Just get her in your car.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Bitches love wheels.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Oh, that word is derogatory to women. But thank you.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- Look, I've got to go, anyway. - It's not five o'clock yet.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Yeah, I know, but I've got to go.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Well, I'll let you off this time, but I want you to think about
0:19:00 > 0:19:03using your phone more responsibly...
0:19:03 > 0:19:05- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. - PHONE RINGS OUT
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Sorry.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09PHONE RINGS OUT
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Oh...
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Sorry, Pat.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Didn't know you were still here.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Must be getting changed.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Could you just pass me my briefcase, please?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Oh... Well, don't worry.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28I'll get it in the morning.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Thanks for everything today. See you tomorrow!
0:19:36 > 0:19:38SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Whoever did this needs a ruddy good hiding.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45No, no, no.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47This is a cry for help.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Punishment is not the answer.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Have you any idea the percentage of prisoners who reoffend?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54No.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Nor do I. I read a piece in The Guardian.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59I can't remember, but it was surprisingly high.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03Would you like a lift?
0:20:04 > 0:20:05What?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Would you like a lift?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09- Where?- In my car.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Tonight, after school.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12- But...to where?- To your home.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16- Presuming you live within a seven-mile radius.- A lift?
0:20:16 > 0:20:20Yes. Just a lift. Just a guy giving a gal a lift!
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Well, that's very kind of you.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Make a change from having to wait for le bus.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- Excuse me? - It's French for "bus".
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Is there anything you don't know about France?
0:20:32 > 0:20:36I just love it! Such a different way of life over there.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Mm. You must've spent a lot of time there.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39No, never been.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43- You've never been to France?- No.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47Sometimes, I just think, "Oh, to hell with it, Sarah.
0:20:47 > 0:20:48"Leave everything behind.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51"Just jump on the ferry and go for the day!"
0:20:51 > 0:20:52You're such a free spirit.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53I know!
0:21:13 > 0:21:16So, Janine, any plans for tonight?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Well, Frieda fell out of her wheelchair last night,
0:21:19 > 0:21:22so we'll probably just cuddle up on the sofa and watch MasterChef.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Blimey, the internet's very misleading
0:21:24 > 0:21:25when it comes to lesbians.
0:21:25 > 0:21:30Yes... So, my Friday night's looking pretty hectic.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- Hm?- Mm. Yes, since you ask,
0:21:32 > 0:21:36I'm giving the new French teacher a lift home tonight.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37That's happening tonight.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40So I'm busy tonight. That's happening tonight.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41Sorry, when's that happening again?
0:21:41 > 0:21:45- Tonight.- And then what?- Well...
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- who knows?- Listen, Churchy, even if she invited you in,
0:21:48 > 0:21:50- you wouldn't know what to do with her.- You're forgetting.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52I studied biology at A-level.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:22:07 > 0:22:11# Two hearts living in just one mind... #
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- You need a massage.- Oh... No.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48No, I'm fine, thank you.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50It's just a bit of neck and shoulder pain.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Oh, that is good.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05I wish I'd brought me oils.
0:23:08 > 0:23:09Yeah, I'm fully trained.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12I did an internet correspondence course in sports massage.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Sarah!
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Oh, yes. I'll just be another minute.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20I don't think this is appropriate on school premises.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22There is nothing inappropriate
0:23:22 > 0:23:23about having a massage!
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Dear God!
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Oh, er...
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Well, it'll go down eventually. Stick it in the fridge.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I have found that hitting it with a spoon
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- makes it go down as well. - Yes, um...let's go.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42You'd better back off, sunshine!
0:23:42 > 0:23:45- Or what?- Or I'll...
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- slip you a length.- Ooh!
0:23:48 > 0:23:50No, that's not what that means.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Oh...
0:23:58 > 0:24:00So, is it any sort of spoon, or...?
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Er, dessertspoon is probably best. Obviously not plastic.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08- I'll remember that. Ha-ha! Your carriage awaits.- Oh.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Well, I survived my first week, Ms Baron.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Are you having a party?
0:24:13 > 0:24:17No, these are all confiscated items I'm disposing of.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Daphne, put the lager on the front seat.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31# ..It's a game of give and take... #
0:24:31 > 0:24:34- Oh, merci buckets.- French!
0:24:34 > 0:24:36# ..No, you'll just have to wait
0:24:36 > 0:24:39# Just trust in the good times
0:24:39 > 0:24:43# No matter how long it takes You can't hurry love... #
0:24:44 > 0:24:47ENGINE SPUTTERS
0:24:47 > 0:24:49MUSIC SLOWS TO A HALT
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Everything all right?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Yes, yes. It's fine, thank you.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55ENGINE TURNS OVER
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01Do you need a lift, babes?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05- What are you doing that for? - For your own protection.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Er, no, thank you. Everything's fine here, Trevor, thank you.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Well, it's not fine, is it?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12The battery's gone dead because he's left the radio on.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Oh, what a shame.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19- And I haven't got any jump leads. - HE SNIFFS
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Well, have a great night, you two lovebirds.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Maybe we could just ask him for a tow.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28No, no, no.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Absolutely no way.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37- I have to go.- Yes, almost there.
0:25:40 > 0:25:41Why doesn't this door open?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43It only unlocks from the outside.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45You've locked me in, haven't you?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Yes, it's safer, when he's around.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Do you want my help, or not?
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Yes, I just don't want you touching her, thank you.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Let me out!
0:25:53 > 0:25:55We're nearly there.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58No, don't do that, it's dangerous.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- I'm getting out.- No, don't. Don't. Don't do that.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Let me help you. Let me help you. I've got you.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06I've got you... Get off her. SHE GASPS
0:26:06 > 0:26:08- I'll help you.- Don't touch her. Don't touch her!
0:26:08 > 0:26:10- I'm helping!- Put me down!
0:26:11 > 0:26:13There. I've got you.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18A beautiful woman joins a school
0:26:18 > 0:26:20and the two of you start acting like a pair of 12 year olds!
0:26:20 > 0:26:21Especially him.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24- I'm getting the bus.- Le bus. - And I will see the two of you
0:26:24 > 0:26:26on Monday morning, with the rest of the children.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Goodbye.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35My bag.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Come on, then.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11ENGINE STARTS
0:27:23 > 0:27:25FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
0:27:25 > 0:27:27CAR DOOR OPENS
0:27:32 > 0:27:34PHIL COLLINS MUSIC PLAYS
0:27:34 > 0:27:35London airport, please.
0:27:35 > 0:27:42MUSIC: "You Can't Hurry Love" by Phil Collins
0:28:01 > 0:28:05A talent show? No, no, no, no, no.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06If you can find any talented pupils
0:28:06 > 0:28:08in this school, I'd be very surprised.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12My point is, I'll never come over to your house and take a bath.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14French is a poor man's Spanish!
0:28:14 > 0:28:16HE SINGS
0:28:16 > 0:28:17APPLAUSE
0:28:17 > 0:28:18All right? I'm Keith Lemon!
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Your oboe playing is, at best,
0:28:21 > 0:28:22pedestrian!
0:28:24 > 0:28:25Miss Postern, this ridiculous behaviour
0:28:25 > 0:28:28- has gone on long enough! - This is a fix.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30SHE EXHALES
0:28:30 > 0:28:32# When I think about the days
0:28:32 > 0:28:35# There is something of a haze about it
0:28:38 > 0:28:40# When we said we'd never change
0:28:40 > 0:28:43# Well, we never stopped to think about it
0:28:45 > 0:28:48# No, we're not the same
0:28:49 > 0:28:51# But let's not break the chain
0:28:53 > 0:28:56# We should play this game together. #