0:00:03 > 0:00:05Pat, the bowl, please.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Watch very closely
0:00:09 > 0:00:13as the sodium reacts with water.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18FIZZING
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Oh, heh-heh!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40I can manage, thank you, Pat.
0:00:44 > 0:00:49# When I think about the days There is something of a haze about it
0:00:52 > 0:00:54# When you said we'd never change
0:00:54 > 0:00:58# Well, we never stopped to think about it
0:00:58 > 0:01:02# No, we're not the same
0:01:02 > 0:01:06# But let's not break the chain
0:01:06 > 0:01:10- # We should play this game together.- #
0:01:23 > 0:01:24What are One Direction doing on there?
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Une Direction.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29It's a learning aid for my Year Eights.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31It's just all the hot and happening bands.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Une Direction aren't hot and happening.
0:01:33 > 0:01:38Well...they might lack the integrity of Florence Et L'Engin
0:01:38 > 0:01:40or La Femme Gaga,
0:01:40 > 0:01:42but they are certainly hot and happening.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44They don't even play their own instruments.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Look, it is just a bit of fun to get the kids to learn French.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48It's not fun.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50They're killing music.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Oh!
0:01:56 > 0:01:57Uh...
0:01:59 > 0:02:00HE GRUNTS
0:02:01 > 0:02:03You all right, Trevor?
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Yeah, I'm just warming down from yesterday's charity run.
0:02:05 > 0:02:10- Oh! Who did you run for? - Well, I don't know what the right word for it is these days,
0:02:10 > 0:02:12but the wheelchair ones.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14It was a mile.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15It was over 1.6K.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17I did the fun run too.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- You?- Yep.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Brilliant! I mean,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23I only lasted the first hundred yards, then my body went into spasm.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27- Course.- To get home, I had to borrow one of their wheelchairs.- Mm.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30I, er, actually do a lot for charity.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33I mean, I love teaching,
0:02:33 > 0:02:37but I will probably be remembered more for my charity work.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- It'd be great to do something here. - MRS KLEBB LAUGHS
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Well, good luck getting it past the head in this school.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43She's not one for charity.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45- No?- No.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48My partner, Frieda, needed a double hip replacement.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50God knows what they were doing.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51I wanted her to go privately,
0:02:51 > 0:02:53so I asked the head if I could use the dining hall
0:02:53 > 0:02:56for a performance of The Vagina Monologues.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58And she didn't want that?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00No.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Apparently, Frieda's the butch one.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05I mean, the mind boggles.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13So, turn to page 18 in your textbooks.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Right, settle down.
0:03:15 > 0:03:20Everyone turn to page 62 in your textbooks.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- Mr Hubble...- No talking.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- Sorry, excuse me. - Can't this wait?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I'm in the middle of a class.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Yes, you're in the middle of my class. You're meant to be next door with 7B.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Oh, yes, yes, yes.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33Yes, of course. Gymnastics.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35No, no, no, no. Chemistry.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Chemistry! Yes, of course.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45So, can anyone tell me what the atomic number...?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Right, settle down.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Everyone turn to page 62 in your textbooks.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Remind me of your name again.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Sarah. Sarah Postern.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Sorry, you just haven't made much of an impression.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05Well, perhaps not on you, but certainly on the children, and that's what matters.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09I think they just assume you're one of the cleaners.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- Are you here for a reason?- Yes.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Um, I am really into my charity work
0:04:14 > 0:04:17and I'd love to do something for charity here at Greybridge.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19- Which charity? - Children in Need.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I hate that bloody bear.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23I'd gladly poke out its other eye.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25Understood.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29But it is on TV on Friday night, and the school isn't doing anything for it.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30All right. What do you want to do?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33And it had better not be a play about talking fannies.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36At my last school, I did all sorts.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Wore a onesie for the whole day.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Big pink onesie. It was hilarious!
0:04:41 > 0:04:42Sounds it(!)
0:04:42 > 0:04:45And I'd just love to do something that random here. Just for fun.
0:04:45 > 0:04:50You know, but also raising much-needed cash for children with really tough lives
0:04:50 > 0:04:52both here in the UK and in Northern Ireland.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- Like what?- Non-uniform day.
0:04:55 > 0:05:00No. We had one in 2002 and all the girls came dressed as sluts.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02OK, well, what about a school disco?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Discos equal unwanted pregnancies.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Is that it?
0:05:06 > 0:05:08- No, I've got another one. - Quickly, please.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Talent show.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14If you can find any talented pupils in this school, I'd be very surprised.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Ah, but here's the twist. Are you ready for this?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20It's quite a curve ball. It's a little bit maverick.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23You'll be thinking, "Where's she come up with this idea from?" I thought...
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- Is it the teachers doing the acts?- Yes...
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Beautiful poster, Miss, er, Post-ern.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- Oh, good one!- I do try.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Sure you don't mind me putting it up here on your patch?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Oh, no, no, no, no. You go ahead.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48Yeah, I just had this nutty idea that it's the teachers who are the contestants
0:05:48 > 0:05:49and the kids who are the judges.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Oh! HE LAUGHS
0:05:52 > 0:05:53That really is quite madcap.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Where do you get all these zany ideas from?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Just out of my head!
0:05:58 > 0:05:59I think I must need help!
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Well, as I always say, you don't have to be mad to work here...
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- BOTH: But it helps. - That's what I say!
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- Yeah, that's actually my catchphrase. - I think you might have got that from me.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10So, can I put your name down for a spot?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12No, no, no, no!
0:06:12 > 0:06:15A talent show? No, no, no, no, no.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16Oh. Oh, that's a shame.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18I...I thought we could have done an act together.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- Yes.- Hm?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Ignore my previous comments. Yes.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30KNOCK ON DOOR
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Yes, come in.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35- Ms Baron? - What now?
0:06:35 > 0:06:39I need to discuss a matter with you of some delicacy. May I sit down?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- I'd rather you didn't. - Oh, sorry.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Please don't lean on it.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Oh. Excuse me. Um...
0:06:45 > 0:06:47It's Mr Hubble.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51I fear that, at his age, head of science is getting too much for him.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Here we go again, Mr Church. What's he meant to have done now?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- Well, yesterday, he was asleep in the staff room.- Mm.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00This morning, he left 7B completely without supervision.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- Mm-hm.- And just now in the storeroom, he...
0:07:03 > 0:07:06bent down to pick up some iron filings and he...
0:07:06 > 0:07:08broke wind very violently.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Was it the noise or the smell that was the problem?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Well, I hate to say it, but it was a bit of both.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I fear we'll never recover those iron filings.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Thank you, Mr Church, for bringing these matters to my attention.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27I must add them to the file.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28Thank you.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30"Mr Church...
0:07:30 > 0:07:32"continuing to make...
0:07:32 > 0:07:35"wild accusations...
0:07:35 > 0:07:40"against senior members of staff."
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Just, er...
0:07:48 > 0:07:50signing up for the talent show.
0:07:50 > 0:07:56"Sarah and Keith, duet for voice and oboe."
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Yes, that's right.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01We're doing a duet, so if anyone else wanted to do an act with me,
0:08:01 > 0:08:03apologies, I'm taken.
0:08:07 > 0:08:12Good, so I hope other people will put their name up and get behind Sarah.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14I'll get behind her.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Good.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18No, I mean, I'll get behind her.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- That's what I'm asking you to do. - No, I mean,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I'll get behind her and have sex with her.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- From behind.- Yes, well, I think if you did,
0:08:25 > 0:08:29she'd find out about it. Gareth, what can I put you down for?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- A talk on living with nervous tension.- Yes...
0:08:32 > 0:08:34"Act TBC." Thank you.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Here y'are, put me down for a couple of comedy skits.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- Didn't know you did comedy. - Oh, yeah.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42I'm like Jimmy Carr, but more, um...
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- ..quick-witted.- Oh.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Right, anybody else?
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- Janine?- Oh, yes, you can put me down for performance poetry.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- That rings alarm bells.- No.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03Frieda, my partner, she's taken to writing poetry, so I'm going to do one on racism.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04For or against?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Against, you moron.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08All right. Luke?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Going to have a song from the music teacher?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- No.- What?
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Talent shows aren't for me. I'd never sell out like that.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- But this is for charity.- Look...
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Real musicians don't look for a short cut.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26They get the gigs in. Gig, gig, gig.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28- Gig.- This is a gig.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32It's a talent show. Would the Stereophonics have made it through the X Factor auditions?
0:09:32 > 0:09:36- Would The Verve have got to boot camp?- I've no idea what you're talking about.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Would Ocean Colour Scene have made it to the judges' houses?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Not a clue, but it would really help Sarah if you put your name down.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Yeah, but if I did, I'm not sure I could ever look myself in the eye again.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- Oh... - Oh, give it a rest, mate.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Sorry, man. It's just not my bag. You'd never find me on the X Factor.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Didn't you audition for The Voice?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Completely different thing.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57BELL RINGS
0:09:59 > 0:10:01N'oubliez pas vos devoirs. Demain.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03French has finished, Miss. Speak English.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06Miss Postern...
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- Oh. Hello, Keith. - Not in front of the children.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Just to say, I've got everyone signed up for the talent show.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16Oh, thank you! Oh, this is good - everyone's here.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Yeah, had to twist their arms a bit
0:10:18 > 0:10:20because they're not quite as into charity as we are.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- Oh, it's going to be such a laugh. - A hoot!
0:10:23 > 0:10:25That's not what it's about, though.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27No, that was the next thing I was going to say.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29It's not about having a hoot.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30- No, it's about the children. - In need.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- In desperate need.- Mm.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35So, do you want to choose a song for our duet, or shall I?!
0:10:35 > 0:10:38You choose. I'm sure whatever you pick will be perfect.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42MR CHURCH: I don't like the song.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45How can you not like Imagine?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47I've never agreed with the lyrics.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50The lyrics are profound. They're like poetry.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53They're better than poetry, because some poetry doesn't even rhyme.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Yes, all right, Sarah. Let me just query this.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57"Imagine there's no countries."
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Yes? What's wrong with that?
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Well, how would the Olympics have worked? Or Going For Gold?
0:11:03 > 0:11:04I think you're missing the point.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06"Imagine no possessions."
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Without my Tupperware container, this sliced apple would have gone brown in minutes.
0:11:09 > 0:11:14I think John Lennon had more important things on his mind than sliced apple.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Well, all I'm suggesting is that we rewrite the song.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Rewrite John Lennon?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- One of the main ones from The Beatles?- Yes.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25I mean, would you repaint the Sistine Chapel?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Well, I'd Tipp-Ex over the penises, yes.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32No. Imagine is one of the greatest songs ever written.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I think Mike + The Mechanics have something to say about that.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38OK, let's forget it. Because you clearly know nothing about music.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Well, I think my grade five oboe speaks for itself.
0:11:40 > 0:11:45Oh, your oboe playing is, at best, pedestrian!
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Ooh, what's this? Lovers' tiff?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07No, it's just musical differences.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Thank you for putting your name down, though.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11It's all right, babe. Just wanted to support.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Anyway, give me a chance to do my, er, my comedy impressions.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- Oh, I didn't know you did impressions.- Oh, yeah.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- Who do you do?- I do 'em all.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20All the famous people. Go on, name one.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21Er, Bruce Forsyth.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23No, I don't do him.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25- Homer Simpson?- Don't do him.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26David Beckham?
0:12:26 > 0:12:27- Don't do him.- Alan Sugar?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31- Sean Connery?- Don't do him.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- Alan Hansen? - Don't do him.- George Bush?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- Don't do him.- Victor Meldrew? - Er...
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- No, I don't do him.- The meerkat one?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- I don't do him.- OK, is it, perhaps, easier for you
0:12:45 > 0:12:46just to tell me who you do do?
0:12:46 > 0:12:48I do Keith Lemon.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- AS KEITH LEMON:- Hiya, my name's Keith Lemon. Holly Willough-booby.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Massive bangers! Bang tidy! Shitting. Finished.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- There. - SHE LAUGHS
0:12:58 > 0:13:00- That's really good!- Ah!
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- I do impressions too. - I didn't know that.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Yeah! See if you can guess who this is.
0:13:07 > 0:13:13Hello. I'm Ms Baron, headmistress at Greybridge School.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16Borat.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Oh, er,
0:13:22 > 0:13:25thanks for everything today, Pat.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28You can leave those test tubes until tomorrow.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31I want a word with you.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Oh! Ha! Hello, Mr Hubble. Lovely weather we've been having today.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Going to the headmistress to make complaints about me?
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Well, it was more concern.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44I have been head of science at this school for 22 years now.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46If you have a problem, you come directly to me
0:13:46 > 0:13:48or Mr Church.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52I am Mr Church.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Yes, me or Mr Church.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55You may leave.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Women teachers!
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Mr Barber, could you ask Mr Church to pass the water jug, please?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- Give us the jug. - Mr Barber, will you ask Miss Postern
0:14:22 > 0:14:25if she wants the one with lemon in or the one without?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27- Lemon.- Lemon.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33Mr Barber, could you tell Mr Church that he's a total bellend?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- Mr Church, Mr Gunn says... - Yes, I heard.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38- Mr Barber, could you ask... - You ask him!
0:14:38 > 0:14:41He's only sat there! What's the matter with you?
0:14:41 > 0:14:45Mr Church thinks he can improve upon the lyrics of John Lennon.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Could you imagine no countries, Mr Barber?
0:14:48 > 0:14:51It would make my geography lessons a damn sight easier.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52See?
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Even a geography teacher,
0:14:54 > 0:14:58someone whose job it is to think about countries all day long,
0:14:58 > 0:15:00can imagine no countries.
0:15:00 > 0:15:05So, I think I can speak for John Lennon when I say I'm right.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Well, it hardly matters now, cos I'm doing something different.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Yes, I've been working out the oboe part
0:15:10 > 0:15:12for Mike + The Mechanics' The Living Years.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15That's a shame, because all my slots are filled.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Not guilty.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20There's no space for you in my talent contest. Deal with it.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Miss Postern, this ridiculous behaviour has gone on long enough!
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Mr Church, will you keep your voice down?!
0:15:26 > 0:15:28No, I will not keep my voice down!
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- You having that crumble? - I would appreciate it
0:15:31 > 0:15:34if you removed your poster from my chemistry notice board.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- KIDS: Ooooooh! - I'd be delighted to.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41I don't think anybody looks at that notice board anyway.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Chemistry is a very boring subject!
0:15:45 > 0:15:46KIDS: Yeah!
0:15:46 > 0:15:49You leave chemistry out of this.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51You have to clear your own tray.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08And French is a poor man's Spanish.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09KIDS LAUGH
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Ready for the show tomorrow?
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Not really.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22It's all become quite fractious.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Yeah. Problem is, Churchy hates charity.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Well, he's certainly not the man I thought he was.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30He irons his poppy.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32He's had the same one for about five years.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Well, that's a new low.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36It's no way to show respect for our boys, is it?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I just don't know what I'm going to do in the show.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40It's really upsetting.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Although obviously not as upsetting as the lives of children in need,
0:16:44 > 0:16:45both here and in Northern Ireland.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49I'll help you with your act.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- That's...really kind of you.- Why don't you come over to mine tonight?
0:16:53 > 0:16:57- To your mum's house?- Yeah. She's got aquarobics on a Thursday.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Come over, have a bite to eat, take a bath.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Trevor, I'm not sure what sort of women you're used to...
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- Slappers.- That's quite offensive, but probably true.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Anyway, my point is,
0:17:07 > 0:17:09I'm never going to come over to your house and take a bath.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13All right, how about a shower? Then we can do some work on your act.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17- Afterwards, you'll be a bit tired, have a little lie-down. - Night, Trevor.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Pay for a minicab home!
0:17:27 > 0:17:29No.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35Yesterday's behaviour in the dining room was completely unacceptable.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36- I'm sorry, Headmistress.- Sorry.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40It's always bad for the school when two teachers are in a relationship.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41We're not in a relationship.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Well, we sort of are.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46- We're not. - Well, we're just at the start
0:17:46 > 0:17:48- of a relationship.- No, we're not.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52We're not even on the cusp of the start of a potential relationship.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54No.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55We're at the pre-start stage.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57There is no pre-start stage.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00And if we were in a relationship, we would now be after the end of it.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Enough. The thought of the two of you together makes me shudder.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08Please keep your relationship out of school time.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12Well, that will be very easy, because there isn't a relationship.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I actually think it's a very good idea,
0:18:14 > 0:18:16because Miss Postern has become quite clingy.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- Clingy? Me? I've become...?- Mm.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21You're the one who's become clingy.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- I'm not clingy. You can't call me clingy cos I called you clingy! - You are clingy.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29- Now she's being hysterical. Hysterical and clingy. - I am not being hysterical!
0:18:29 > 0:18:30You are being hysterical!
0:18:30 > 0:18:33You're both being hysterical.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34Mr Church, leave us.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Miss Postern, stay.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46News has reached this office that you do an impression of me.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49No. No!
0:18:49 > 0:18:51No.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52No!
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Well, yes.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57But it's...quite a fond impression, so...
0:18:57 > 0:18:58I'd love to hear it.
0:18:58 > 0:19:03- Oh... Oh, I don't think so. I don't...- Just do it for me.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11- AS MS BARON:- Hello!
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I'm Ms Baron.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Headmistress.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Headmistress at Greybridge School.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Please continue.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32I like to sit in my office all day...
0:19:35 > 0:19:38..and smoke.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41- OWN VOICE: - Promise I will never do it again.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43You may leave.
0:19:43 > 0:19:44Thank you.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
0:19:47 > 0:19:51# ..Tecach yw na'r lili dlos
0:19:51 > 0:19:56# Dim ond calon lan all ganu
0:19:56 > 0:20:02# Canu'r dydd a chanu'r nos. #
0:20:03 > 0:20:04- BOY:- Baa!
0:20:04 > 0:20:09KIDS: Baa! Baa! Baa!
0:20:09 > 0:20:13All right, that's not... That's not really in the spirit of it, is it?
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Judges, can we have your scores on the doors, please, for Mr Barber?
0:20:20 > 0:20:21Six points.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24That has actually put you in the lead, though.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27So, um, big round of applause for Mr Barber, please.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- KIDS: Baa! - All right, all right, all right.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33I thought we'd got that out of our systems. Next up, we have some comedy jokes for you
0:20:33 > 0:20:37- that I'm sure we're all going to find utterly hilarious. - Well done. That was very brave.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Yeah. To go out there and sing like a bender.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43..but it's not your PE teacher, because tonight,
0:20:43 > 0:20:48please welcome TV's Keith Lemons!
0:20:48 > 0:20:50APPLAUSE
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Watch and learn.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Eh!
0:21:00 > 0:21:02All right? I'm Keith Lemon!
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Bang tidy.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Bang tidy! APPLAUSE
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Right, sorry I'm late but, er, I was stuck backstage.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10I was motting out Miss Klebb-abooby.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12LAUGHTER No, I'm joking.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Course I wasn't. I mean, she's a massive...massive lesbikon.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE
0:21:18 > 0:21:21MR GUNN CONTINUES IMPRESSION INDISTINCTLY
0:21:24 > 0:21:27APPLAUSE
0:21:27 > 0:21:28Thank you!
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Well, thank goodness that's over.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Can we have the scores for Mr Gunn, please?
0:21:38 > 0:21:40APPLAUSE
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Do you want to do the cross-country run in your pants?
0:21:51 > 0:21:56OK, 27 points for Mr Gunn, putting him at the top of the leaderboard.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Well done, Mr Gunn!
0:21:58 > 0:22:00CHEERING
0:22:00 > 0:22:02OK.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05And the last act is, er, Miss Postern.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06And that is me.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09This was supposed to be a duet,
0:22:09 > 0:22:11er, but it didn't quite pan out like that,
0:22:11 > 0:22:14so, um...I'm going to have a go anyway.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15So, here goes.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- WEAKLY:- # Imagine there's no heaven
0:22:30 > 0:22:34# It's easy if you try
0:22:38 > 0:22:39# No hell below...
0:22:39 > 0:22:41- SHE WHIMPERS - # ..below us... #
0:22:41 > 0:22:43I'm sorry, I can't, um, I can't do this.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47OBOE PLAYS "IMAGINE"
0:23:01 > 0:23:05# ..Living for today
0:23:05 > 0:23:08# Ah-ahh ah-ah-ah
0:23:08 > 0:23:11# Imagine there's no countries
0:23:13 > 0:23:18# It isn't hard to do
0:23:19 > 0:23:24# Nothing to kill or die for
0:23:26 > 0:23:30# And no religion too
0:23:32 > 0:23:35# Imagine all the people
0:23:37 > 0:23:42# Living for today
0:23:42 > 0:23:45# Ah-ahh ah-ah-ah
0:23:45 > 0:23:48# You may say I'm a dreamer
0:23:50 > 0:23:53# But I'm not the only one
0:23:56 > 0:24:00BOTH: # I hope someday you'll join us
0:24:03 > 0:24:10# And the world will live as one. #
0:24:11 > 0:24:12CHEERING
0:24:27 > 0:24:31Judges, the scores, please, for Miss Postern!
0:24:31 > 0:24:33- Oh, and Mr Church!- Oh!
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- Churchy! - CHEERING
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Yes!
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Oh, no, no, no, this is a fix.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47In what universe is John Lennon better than Keith Lemon?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49- APPLAUSE CONTINUES - Oh, thank you!
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Oh, thank you so much! Oh!
0:24:53 > 0:24:57I'm... But that... It's not about me getting a standing ovation,
0:24:57 > 0:24:59it is really all about the children in need,
0:24:59 > 0:25:01both here and in Northern Ireland.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05So, please give generously on your way out.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Three cheers for Miss Postern. Hip, hip!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10MUSIC: You Raise Me Up
0:25:13 > 0:25:16# When I am down
0:25:16 > 0:25:19# And, oh, my soul, so weary
0:25:20 > 0:25:23# When troubles come
0:25:23 > 0:25:26# And my heart burdened be... #
0:25:26 > 0:25:28He said he wasn't going to do it.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31# ..Then I am still
0:25:31 > 0:25:34# And wait here in the silence
0:25:35 > 0:25:38# Until you come
0:25:38 > 0:25:42# And sit awhile with me... #
0:25:42 > 0:25:44This is against the rules! Are you going to say anything?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46# ..You raise me up
0:25:46 > 0:25:50# So I can stand on mountains
0:25:50 > 0:25:53# You raise me up
0:25:53 > 0:25:58# To walk on stormy seas
0:25:58 > 0:26:01# I am strong
0:26:01 > 0:26:06# When I am on your shoulders
0:26:06 > 0:26:08# You raise me up
0:26:08 > 0:26:13# To more than I can be... #
0:26:13 > 0:26:15I think it's over, thank God.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24ALL: # You raise me up
0:26:24 > 0:26:29# So I can stand on mountains
0:26:29 > 0:26:31# You raise me up
0:26:31 > 0:26:36# To walk on stormy seas
0:26:36 > 0:26:39# I am strong
0:26:39 > 0:26:44# When I am on your shoulders
0:26:44 > 0:26:46# You raise me up
0:26:46 > 0:26:51# To more than I can be. #
0:26:53 > 0:26:56- No... - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Thank you. I love you guys.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Just before you give your scores,
0:27:04 > 0:27:06I want to dedicate this performance to my nana.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Nana, you were the only one who ever believed in me.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12You told me to follow my dreams.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14ALL: Ahhhhh!
0:27:16 > 0:27:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Wow!
0:27:19 > 0:27:20Amazing!
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Thank you! Nana...
0:27:22 > 0:27:24- TEARFULLY:- ..this is for you.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Hi, Nana.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33I won!
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Who are you talking to?
0:27:36 > 0:27:37My nana.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39She's alive?
0:27:39 > 0:27:42- Yeah.- Well, why did you look to the sky when you mentioned her?
0:27:42 > 0:27:44She lives up north.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Your grandson is a shit.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55HE PLAYS "IMAGINE"
0:28:09 > 0:28:13- Mr Church has made a rather serious allegation.- Drugs!
0:28:13 > 0:28:14You want to watch your back, Churchy.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16I'd hate for you to get a reputation.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18I can't help it if every male member of staff
0:28:18 > 0:28:21and one female member of staff find me attractive.
0:28:21 > 0:28:22Balderdash!
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Check out Patrick Swayze!
0:28:26 > 0:28:28My Scotch egg was despoiled
0:28:28 > 0:28:30and I'd rather not say what was deposited in my sandwiches.
0:28:31 > 0:28:36# When I think about the days There is something of a haze about it
0:28:39 > 0:28:41# When you said we'd never change
0:28:41 > 0:28:44# Well, we never stopped to think about it
0:28:46 > 0:28:50# No, we're not the same
0:28:50 > 0:28:53# But let's not break the chain
0:28:53 > 0:28:56# We should play this game together. #