0:00:02 > 0:00:05Now, as it's Friday afternoon, I have a special treat for you.
0:00:05 > 0:00:09This little experiment I like to call "elephant's toothpaste".
0:00:09 > 0:00:13All I do is mix some hydrogen peroxide and potassium iodine
0:00:13 > 0:00:18and pour it into a beaker of ordinary, everyday washing-up liquid!
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Ready?
0:00:26 > 0:00:28FIZZING
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Is that it?
0:00:43 > 0:00:44Yes.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:00:46 > 0:00:47Can we go now?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Yes.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Right, Pat, we'd better get this cleaned up.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04I didn't get any on me. Thank you, Pat, thank you.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06SOFT GUITAR MUSIC
0:01:06 > 0:01:11# When I think about the days There is something of a haze about it
0:01:13 > 0:01:15# When we said we'd never change
0:01:15 > 0:01:20# Well, we never stopped to think about it
0:01:20 > 0:01:24# No, we're not the same
0:01:24 > 0:01:28# But let's not break the chain
0:01:28 > 0:01:33# We should play this game together. #
0:01:36 > 0:01:38TUNE IS WHISTLED
0:01:43 > 0:01:45(WHISPERS) Psst! Psssst!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48(WHISPERS) Austin Allegro!
0:01:52 > 0:01:53- (WHISPERS)- What are you doing?
0:01:53 > 0:01:56(WHISPERS) I think a deal's about to go down. Get in.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07- (WHISPERS)- A drugs deal? - (WHISPERS) Yes.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09There's no need to whisper while we're in the car, actually.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Just pop your seat back so you don't get spotted.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14CREAKING
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Oh! I didn't know it went back this far.
0:02:17 > 0:02:22Yes, that lad there was expelled last year for possessing the drugs.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24One expulsion?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27That's nothing. In my last school, there was double that.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29We had a very serious drugs problem.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Well, I think you'll find it's worse in this school.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32It was an epidemic.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Well, here it's a pandemic.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Well, let's just agree that it's a sad fact
0:02:36 > 0:02:37that drugs are an issue in all schools.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Particularly this one.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40And the one I used to work at.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Anyway, I want to talk to you about Draughts Club.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Whatever you do, don't let Barber offload that onto you.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47He already has.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49- But I had a thought. - Oh, shh, shh!
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- Hello! - Hello!
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I thought seeing as you run Chess Club...
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Oh, I founded it.
0:02:59 > 0:03:04...why don't we merge it with Draughts Club? Call it "Chaughts"?
0:03:06 > 0:03:07It's a bold idea, Sarah.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09- So is that a yes? - Shh!
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Oh, no.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Oh, yes.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- KNOCK ON DOOR - Come in.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Right, if it's about the trampoline,
0:03:22 > 0:03:23I've absolutely no idea how it got on eBay.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Mr Gunn, I've summoned you here
0:03:26 > 0:03:29because Mr Church has made a rather serious allegation.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30Drugs.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31What?
0:03:31 > 0:03:35You've been buying drugs from a drugs pusher and you've got drugs!
0:03:35 > 0:03:36No, I haven't.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38The camera never lies.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Care to explain yourself, Mr Gunn?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Oh, that? Yeah. No, no, no, I wasn't, um...
0:03:44 > 0:03:46I wasn't buying drugs,
0:03:46 > 0:03:47I was, er, I was confiscating them.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Well, if that's the case, Mr Gunn, why did you give the boy money?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Cos he was collecting for a Blue Peter appeal.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Balderdash, Mr Gunn.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Balderdash.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04If you care to leave us now, Mr Church.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05Certainly, Headmistress.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Balderdash!
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Empty your pockets.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Oh, this is good shit!
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Oh! That is good shit.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Right, can I have a bit of quiet, please?
0:04:56 > 0:04:57CHATTER
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh! I can still hear chattering.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Thank you. I have some very important news.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Mr Gunn has been sacked.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Ah, so they finally found him
0:05:08 > 0:05:11watching dirty movies in the computer room, eh?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13It must be for siphoning petrol out of the minibus.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Was it for hiring the sports hall out for illegal raves?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- Look, I only went to one... - It was actually none of those,
0:05:18 > 0:05:20but thank you for bringing them to my attention.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22No, it's much more serious than that.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Mr Gunn was caught buying the drug ma-rij-uana.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Just out of interest,
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- who was selling it? - That's not important.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34What's important now is that Mr Gunn is no longer a teacher at this school.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39All right! Where's the biccies? I've got the munchies.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41But you've been sacked!
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Oh, I don't think so.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46And you reek of drugs!
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Well, I have to know what I'm dealing with, don't I?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Oh, this is a dark day for the school, a very dark day.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Is this your Scotch egg?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00You know damn well it's my Scotch egg.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17That is deeply offentious!
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Oh, I haven't even started yet, Churchy.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24- You've just missed her. - Where is she?
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Nipped to the garage to get some Jaffa Cakes.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47We need to get across the anti-drugs message to the kids.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Well, then a song will be perfect.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52We just need to find one that tells the kids the drugs don't work.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54They just make it worse.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Yes, exactly. I'll do some research online,
0:06:56 > 0:06:58see if anyone's written one with that kind of message.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03I thought you'd brought a packed lunch today.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I did.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06But my Scotch egg was despoiled
0:07:06 > 0:07:09and I'd rather not say what was deposited in my sandwiches.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11All right, Keith? Are you a music fan?
0:07:11 > 0:07:12I like the early stuff.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Luke and I are going to sing an anti-drugs song in assembly.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16It'll mainly be me.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19I'll be on tambourines and backing vocals.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20In the business we call them BVs.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Otherwise you'd for ever be saying, "backing vocals, backing vocals,
0:07:23 > 0:07:25"backing vocals", when it's much quicker to say BVs.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27You don't want to waste everyone's time.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28Yes, we get the picture.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Well, if you need a red-hot oboe player...
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Not really. Oboes are not really part of my sound.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34Well, what is your sound?
0:07:34 > 0:07:39It's somewhere between Oasis and Beady Eye.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Oh, an eclectic mix!
0:07:42 > 0:07:44When do you want to get together and rehearse?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Not sure yet. I'll drop you a message on Facebook.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- Laters. - Laters.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53How often does Luke send you a message on Facebook?
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Sarah, please be honest with me.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Quite often, why?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Well, I'd hate for you to get a reputation.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59A reputation as what?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02As a woman who has many partners.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06I can't help it if every male member of staff
0:08:06 > 0:08:08and one female member of staff find me attractive.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13You need to clear your own tray.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30I'm two moves away from checkmate, sir.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34I admire the cut of your jib, Grandmaster Nicholas,
0:08:34 > 0:08:36but I'm not sure you'd bargained on me doing...
0:08:38 > 0:08:39...this.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42I had.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Which is an excellent juncture to end today's Chess Club.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I was one move away from checkmate.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Now, I need your help with something.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Put the board away and meet me in the computer room.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57WHISTLE IS BLOWN
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Run!
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Duck!
0:09:07 > 0:09:09You all right, babes?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14I just want you to know that, um, I've walked in your shoes.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17It's metaphorically.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18You what?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21I'm an addict too.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23What are you addicted to?
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Highlighter pens.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Sniffing 'em?
0:09:26 > 0:09:27No, highlighting things.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30It got to the stage where I'd highlighted everything -
0:09:30 > 0:09:32there was nothing left to highlight.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Textbooks, magazines, newspapers, receipts,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38phonecards, those little Bibles that you find in hotels -
0:09:38 > 0:09:42it all just became one luminous blur of colours.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- Sounds like a nightmare. - Mmm.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Well, it's worse than a nightmare, Trevor, because it's real.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Well, something had to change.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52And that's when my sponsor suggested that I just use
0:09:52 > 0:09:56the fluorescent yellow one to highlight key words and phrases,
0:09:56 > 0:09:57and that's what I do now.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Come here.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00Come on.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Shall we take a quick shower?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Sex addiction. That's one of the new ones...
0:10:10 > 0:10:12isn't it?
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Mm-hm.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Move!
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Er, I've done a bit of research online and I've printed this out for you.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Had a bit of a relapse.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35Ah, there you are, Nicholas.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Yes, I need you to help me get onto Facebook.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Yes, sir.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Is there an application form I need to print out?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45No, I've done it. You're on Facebook.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Oh! That was quick. MESSAGE ALERT
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Oh, you've already got a friend request.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- Dear God. - Shall I accept?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54No, no, no, no. Leave it.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57OK. Let's do your profile, sir.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58Likes?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- Milk. - Anything else?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02No.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05TYPES
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Favourite music?
0:11:06 > 0:11:11Well, I like a real range of stuff - anything from Oasis to Beady Bye.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- Favourite TV shows? - The news.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17And?
0:11:17 > 0:11:18The weather.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Sports?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Just put, "no, thank you".
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- Dislikes? - War.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30And wasps.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32And wasps down...
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Relationship status?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37It's complicated, so I wouldn't know what to put down.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Oh, they have that. Hmm.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Any particular friend you wanted to add first?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Oh, I hadn't really thought about that.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Um, what's the name of that new French teacher?
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Miss Postern?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Yes, well, it would be nice to add her.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52I've sent a request.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Well, she's taking an awfully long time about it.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03I'm sorry, sir, my mum's picking me up now.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Oh, yes, yes.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Sir...
0:12:08 > 0:12:09..can I ask your advice about something?
0:12:09 > 0:12:12I'm sorry, Nicholas, this is Chess Club, so...
0:12:12 > 0:12:15if it's not something to do with chess, it's inappropriate.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- Morning, Sarah. - I wasn't!
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Oh...hello.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35There's a note in your pigeonhole.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Oh. Is it from you?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- Yes.- Did you just put it there?
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Yes.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Could you just bring it over?
0:12:45 > 0:12:46If it's easier.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Thank you.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54"Sarah, I sent you a friend request on Facebook
0:12:54 > 0:12:56"and would be delighted if you choose to accept.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59"Keith Church, Deputy Head of Science."
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Oh, right, OK.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12There. Done!
0:13:12 > 0:13:14I was just wondering, when's a good time to get together
0:13:14 > 0:13:17to discuss the Draughts and Chess Club merger?
0:13:17 > 0:13:18Well, we can discuss it now, if you want.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Well, there's quite a lot of ground to cover.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22I think it's best we do it out of school time.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26I'm not earwigging, I'm just toasting some gluten-free bread. Carry on.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Um, when were you thinking?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Well, I was thinking perhaps, um...
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Yes?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Well, I was thinking, um...
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Don't worry. I'm not listening in.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44Well, I was thinking you might like to come over...
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Come over where?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I think it's best I send you a message.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Sarah, I just want you to know
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I have not told a soul what I saw the pair of you
0:13:58 > 0:14:00getting up to in the car yesterday.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02We just reclined the seats.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03CHUCKLES
0:14:03 > 0:14:07You don't need to pretend with me. Don't worry, I kept shtoom.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13- Sarah, Ms Baron wants to see you. - What about?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Dogging.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27- What are these chairs doing here? - Don't you ever bloody knock?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29- Oh, you're a disgrace. - Oh, am I?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Yes, and not just to yourself, but to the PE department
0:14:32 > 0:14:34and the entire teaching fraternity.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36You want to watch your back, Churchy.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Yes, or what?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Or one of these days you might wake up with a horse's head in your bed.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42And where would you get a horse's head from?
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Safeways. I know the fella that works the meat slice.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51Degenerate!
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Oi! Oi!
0:14:53 > 0:14:55You're the ge-denerate!
0:15:08 > 0:15:10TYPES SLOWLY
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Oh, Miss Postern?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Miss Postern!
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Nearly with you.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Almost there. Almost, almost.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27And...here I am.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Hello, Keith.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Oh, best not to use first names in front of the children.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Oh, right. Erm, well...
0:15:33 > 0:15:37Right, well, I was just dashing off to teach 9C, so...
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Oh, just wondered if you'd had a chance to digest my latest message?
0:15:40 > 0:15:41I'll just check now, shall I?
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Here it is.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50- - "Dear Sarah, I trust you're well..." -- ...trust you're well...
0:15:50 > 0:15:54"...draughts and chess merger... Saturday night."
0:15:54 > 0:15:56I am never free on a Saturday night.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Oh, yes, of course, sorry.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Except this Saturday night.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Oh, wonderful!
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- Shall I, er, lay on a spread? - Oh!
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Just some nibbles. Shall I come over after Strictly?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Which I usually have to record because I'm always out.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Well, why don't we watch Strictly together
0:16:13 > 0:16:14and then discuss the merger?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Oh, are you into Strictly?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Oh, yes. Very much.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Oh, I think the standard this year is the best ever.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I was going to say it myself - the standard this year is the best ever.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25The judges say it every year,
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- but this time it is actually true. - Oh, those judges, they do say it!
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Oh, I'm so glad you're following it!
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- Who d'you think's gonna win? - Oh, there's a question!
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Who's gonna...win it?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Who...? Who's gonna...win it? Er...
0:16:39 > 0:16:40Not seen it, have you?
0:16:40 > 0:16:41- No.- No.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52DOORBELL RINGS
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Sausage roll?
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Hello!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Hello. Would you like a sausage roll?
0:17:05 > 0:17:09Not right now. I'll probably take my coat off first.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Oh, yes, yes.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15The toilet's there, if you need it.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17I don't at the moment.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Probably be needing it later. Come through.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Sandwich?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25That's a lot of food.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Oh, just a cold buffet. Pickled egg?
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Is it all for us?
0:17:28 > 0:17:32Anything we don't eat tonight, I'll just graze on during the week.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- Right. Oh.- Oh!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Well, let's get this party started!
0:17:40 > 0:17:42APPLAUSE ON TV
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Oh, yes, my love, you were wicked!
0:17:45 > 0:17:47CHEERING
0:17:47 > 0:17:50So some are professional dancers and some are celebrities?
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Yes, that's right.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53And the marks are out of ten?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Of course, the marks are out of ten.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- The most sensible metric to have. - Sorry.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01It's my favourite TV programme and it is quite annoying
0:18:01 > 0:18:03with you constantly asking questions and making comments.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Oh, I'm sorry. I won't say another thing.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08What a feeling, what a dance!
0:18:08 > 0:18:10So has the one on the end there got a wife?
0:18:10 > 0:18:13No, of course he hasn't got a wife, he's gay!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Well, I don't know who's gay and who isn't gay.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Well, does it matter if he's gay?
0:18:17 > 0:18:18No, it doesn't matter if he's gay.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20I just can't keep up with who's gay and who isn't gay these days.
0:18:20 > 0:18:21Could you please be quiet?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- I am being quiet. - Shh!
0:18:24 > 0:18:29An amazing tango section at the end. That was absolutely...
0:18:29 > 0:18:31So is the one on the other end gay?
0:18:31 > 0:18:32Yeah, yeah, they're all gay.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Everyone on the show is gay.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Everyone on TV is gay, all right?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Mini quiche? - No, no, no.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48I would like another drink of wine, though, please.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57I'm afraid you've had all the wine.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Oh, well, what else have you got?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Um, milk.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Yakult?
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- No, I want another "drink" drink. - Must have something.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12Ah!
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Here we go. Been saving it for a special occasion.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- Turnip liqueur. - Oooh!
0:19:28 > 0:19:29God!
0:19:30 > 0:19:33That is quite rooty.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37That'll be the turnips. I'm just making another trip to the cold buffet.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Can I get you anything?
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Are there any chipolatas left?
0:19:42 > 0:19:43There's a few.
0:19:43 > 0:19:44# ...Truth...
0:19:44 > 0:19:47# And I owe it all to you... #
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Oh, I love this song!
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Oooh!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Check out Patrick Swayze.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54Oh, check out the...
0:19:54 > 0:19:57the lady in the film.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58RHYTHMIC CLAPPING ON TV
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Put the chipolatas down.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02# ...We saw the writing on the wall
0:20:02 > 0:20:06# As we felt this magical fantasy... #
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- Oh, we haven't discussed the merger!- What?
0:20:09 > 0:20:10The Chess and Draughts Club merger!
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Oh, well, um, do you want to do it?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15- Yes.- Oh, well, so do I.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16That was easy, wasn't it?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19# ..Never felt this way before
0:20:19 > 0:20:20# Yes, I swear
0:20:20 > 0:20:23# It's the truth... #
0:20:23 > 0:20:24Shall we do the lift?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Well, how much do you weigh?
0:20:26 > 0:20:27That's, um, quite a personal question.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Well, it's more of a physics question.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31About nine stone two, but I've got quite a lot in my pockets.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Hm. Give it a go.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Oooh!
0:20:40 > 0:20:41CHEERING ON TV
0:20:41 > 0:20:42DOORBELL RINGS
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Oh, go away, we're doing dirty dancing!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48I should just go and see who it is. DOORBELL RINGS
0:20:51 > 0:20:53GROANING
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Pop you down.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Oh, some chipolatas there to keep you going.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02CHEERING
0:21:02 > 0:21:04- What's going on, Churchy? - What are you doing here?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- We're 'ere for the party. - There is no party.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- Don't worry, Sir. Bring a bottle. - Let them in!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Oh, wicked! Look, Scotch eggs!
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Well, leave some for your French teacher.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18# DANNY BYRD: Blaze The Fire
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Why are you all here?
0:21:28 > 0:21:29You invited us, sir.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35- I did no such thing. - Er, yeah, you did...on Facebook.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36What?!
0:21:39 > 0:21:41MUSIC BLARES FROM HOUSE
0:21:53 > 0:21:57- Sir, it's not...it's not budging. - Manyou, what are you doing with my oboe?
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Just trying to unblock your bog, sir.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Come on! Let's have a dance!
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Miss, why are you dancing with Mr Church? You boning him?
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Well, I don't think that's biologically possible.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Come on! Let's show them how to par-tez!
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Oh, hello, Pat.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22SWITCHES MUSIC OFF
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- Right.- What are you doing?
0:22:24 > 0:22:28- Can I have a bit of quiet, please? - What's he doing?
0:22:28 > 0:22:32- I can still hear talking! - Turn the music back on!
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Don't be so boring, Keith!
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Not in front of the children!
0:22:37 > 0:22:39- His name's Keith! - Keith!
0:22:39 > 0:22:43- (CHANTING)- Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith! Keith!
0:22:43 > 0:22:45- Keith! Keith! - Come on, it's Saturday night!
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- SWITCHES MUSIC ON - Let's go bonkers!
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- You're actually kinda cool, Miss. - Don't sound so surprised!
0:22:51 > 0:22:55I actually listen to Radio 1 in the mornings, you know!
0:22:55 > 0:22:59- Well, d'you want a toke, Miss? - Yeah! Let's have a toke!
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Miss Postern!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Look, Ms Baron, it's all over the internet.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- This is awful. - He's even put it on his Facebook.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Yes, well, I think we know how that got there.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18And I've even heard that someone's sent it to the local paper.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Headmistress, I can explain everything.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24I think it's too late for that. I mean, really, Mr Church,
0:23:24 > 0:23:25hosting a drugs party!
0:23:25 > 0:23:27I was not hosting a drugs party.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Were there any other members of staff present?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34No, just me and a...very generous cold spread.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37The spread is of no interest to me.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40I'm more interested in this picture of you holding a joint.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Camera never lies.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Well, on this very specific occasion, the camera did lie
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- because although I'm holding the, um...- Gan-ja!
0:23:48 > 0:23:52- ..."gan-ja", I did not take a toke. - Hear that?
0:23:52 > 0:23:53"Ganja", "toke"? Knows all the lingo, don' he?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Did any money change hands?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57- No, of course not! - Stealing drugs.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58That's even worse. You should make a note of that.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Yes, thank you, Mr Gunn. You can leave us now.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07Should I announce he's been sacked
0:24:07 > 0:24:09- or, um...?- Thank you.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- MR GUNN:- Yes!
0:24:18 > 0:24:22Headmistress, I feel my position at the school has become untenable
0:24:22 > 0:24:24and I would like to tender my resignation.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25No, I've got a better idea.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29You can talk to the whole school about the dangers of drug addiction.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32But I'm not a drug addict! I've never even taken drugs.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Everybody's seen the picture.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36I think the children would really benefit
0:24:36 > 0:24:38from hearing at length about your drugs hell.
0:24:41 > 0:24:46# The drugs don't work They just make you worse
0:24:46 > 0:24:49# And I know I'll see your face again
0:24:51 > 0:24:56# No, the drugs don't work They just make you worse
0:24:56 > 0:25:00# But I know I'll see your face again. #
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Despite this school's very strong anti-drugs stance,
0:25:15 > 0:25:17as you know, any drugs...
0:25:17 > 0:25:19I'm sorry you got the blame for all of this.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Oh, please don't be.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Maybe I should say something?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- Shh!- One of the teaching staff
0:25:24 > 0:25:27has been unmasked as a drugs fiend.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Would they please now stand up?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32First, I became addicted to Halls Soothers,
0:25:32 > 0:25:34but that was just a gateway
0:25:34 > 0:25:36- to the harder stuff. - Mr Church!
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Oh! Sorry. Forget I said that.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Yes. I am a drugs addict.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53I'm always getting drugged up on the drugs.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01At first, I enjoyed taking the drugs.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05I thought I could fly. I started seeing things.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Pink elephants.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Pink elephants on parade.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16I realised I was high and I wanted to get high again.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Soon, I would do anything to get high on the drugs
0:26:20 > 0:26:22and even considered selling my body.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23SNIGGERING
0:26:23 > 0:26:27As a result, I've let myself down...
0:26:28 > 0:26:29..I've let the teachers down,
0:26:29 > 0:26:33I've let various members of the administrative staff down,
0:26:33 > 0:26:37but most of all, I've let you down - the kids.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Today, you've lost a role model.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46So, drugs - don't do 'em, yeah?
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Thank you for...not fingering me.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Ha! For you, anything.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27And your speech - surprisingly powerful.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31Well, I feel like I've finally conquered my demons.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32Hmm.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36But remember, you've never actually taken drugs.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Let's not spoil it for the children.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49- Scarface!- Oh!
0:27:49 > 0:27:51- Stoner!- Oh!
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Keeping it real! Indeedy!
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Churchy!
0:27:55 > 0:27:56Stoner!
0:28:06 > 0:28:10There is a boy in my tutor group who is having some problems at home.
0:28:10 > 0:28:11His mother's on sex safari.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15I imagine the Masai lovemaking is very animalistic.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Sorry to hear about your wife running off with the, um...
0:28:18 > 0:28:19Masai tribesman.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Who do you think wrote that song?
0:28:21 > 0:28:22A bellend?
0:28:22 > 0:28:23We need to rehearse Juliet And Romeo.
0:28:23 > 0:28:24Swapped the names round. Well done.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27Shakka-speare must be rolling in his grave.
0:28:29 > 0:28:30Boozer!
0:28:30 > 0:28:32ALL: Yes!
0:28:32 > 0:28:38# When I think about the days There is something of a haze about it
0:28:40 > 0:28:42# When we said we'd never change
0:28:42 > 0:28:45# Well, we never stopped to think about it
0:28:48 > 0:28:50# No, we're not the same
0:28:50 > 0:28:54# But let's not break the chain
0:28:55 > 0:28:58# We should play this game together. #