0:00:02 > 0:00:05Now, we're going to start with Mr Church's fun experiment time.
0:00:05 > 0:00:10Now, who would like to see the power of methane?
0:00:10 > 0:00:13Pat, if you could have the, er, fire extinguisher ready.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15So, the methane...
0:00:15 > 0:00:16FART
0:00:16 > 0:00:17THE KIDS LAUGH
0:00:17 > 0:00:18Yes, yes, all right.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20All right. That wasn't the experiment.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22THIS is the experiment.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Hey, sir, do that fart one again!
0:00:32 > 0:00:34THE KIDS LAUGH
0:00:37 > 0:00:39# When I think about the days
0:00:39 > 0:00:43# There is something of a haze about it
0:00:45 > 0:00:47# When we said we'd never change
0:00:47 > 0:00:51# Well, we never stopped to think about it
0:00:53 > 0:00:56# No, we're not the same
0:00:56 > 0:01:00# But let's not break the chain
0:01:00 > 0:01:03# We should play this game together. #
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Things have been difficult for Josh at home, cos his mum left.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15- Mm. Where did she go?- Kenya.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16We went for a safari holiday.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20Josh had always wanted to see a hippopotamus, hadn't you, mate?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22It was on that holiday...
0:01:22 > 0:01:26that my wife fell in love with a Masai tribesman.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Aah, really?! I have some photographic books at home.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Superb muscle definition.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35As you know, Josh is usually so outgoing,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37but he's been quite subdued.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40I imagine the Masai lovemaking is very animalistic.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44So if you could just let his teachers know.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46- What?- About Josh's situation.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Yeah... Oh, yes, yes, yes, of course.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Thank you, Ms Baron. Come on, mate. Go home.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Does the tribe indulge in sexual sharing?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Seven across - "revered philosopher".
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Clarkson.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Um, can I just have everyone's attention for a moment?
0:02:18 > 0:02:23Can we have silence, please? Sarah has an announcement.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Thank you. Over to you, Sarah.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- Thank you.- My pleasure.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Um, there is a boy in my tutor group called Josh Hardy
0:02:31 > 0:02:33who is having some problems at home.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- Ha! Heh! Join the club. - What happened?
0:02:36 > 0:02:37It's just a private family matter.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- His mum's on sex safari.- No!
0:02:40 > 0:02:44No. Let's just all pretend that we didn't hear that.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47We don't need to know exactly what has happened.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49We just need to know that something has happened.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52And it has happened, so just please bear in mind
0:02:52 > 0:02:53that Josh is having a...
0:02:53 > 0:02:57I'm going to say "challenging". ..challenging time.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58Finished?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Yeah.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04That was very sensitively put.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Oh, well, thank you.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09I've always been one of those people that others come to with a problem.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11It's a blessing and curse.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14It's mainly a blessing, but it can also a curse.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I think you're right not to let the other teachers
0:03:16 > 0:03:18know the specific details.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20But what are the specific details?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Um...
0:03:22 > 0:03:24I can trust you to keep this to yourself?
0:03:24 > 0:03:25No-one to tell.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Well, um...
0:03:28 > 0:03:32Josh's mother has started a relationship with a non-white,
0:03:32 > 0:03:34black gentleman...
0:03:34 > 0:03:37from the continent of, um, Africa.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39He's a Masai tribesman.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- Coloured chap, I take it. - You can't say "coloured" any more.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- No.- No, no. But, yes.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Yes, he is a Masai tribesman. They do tend to be coloured!
0:03:46 > 0:03:49I mean, black. You know.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51No, I mean, Afro-Caribbean.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Well, not...not Caribbean. He's from Africa.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55So...
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Afro-ican.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Is that the phrase we use now?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- Yeah. Afro-ican.- Hey, Saz.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Er, she's called Sarah, and please respect personal boundaries.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Josh is in my first lesson and I was wondering -
0:04:06 > 0:04:08should I say something to the class?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10No! No, no, no, no. He wouldn't want everyone to know.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Got it. Got it. Keep it schtum.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Of course, drama can be the most therapeutic therapy.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22I was thinking of offering Josh a part in my school play.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Oh, yes! Oh, yes, that would be lovely.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Um, just checking - you're not doing the Lion King?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29No.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Great.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32No, I think that would really help Josh
0:04:32 > 0:04:36get over the thing that I know about but can't tell you about.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40I look forward to reviewing it in the school mag.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41SHE CHUCKLES No, no, no.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45I am not letting you anywhere near any more of my productions.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Janine, I have been the theatre reviewer for The Almanac
0:04:48 > 0:04:49for the past 15 years.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50And in all that time,
0:04:50 > 0:04:53you have never once said anything remotely pleasant about my work!
0:04:53 > 0:04:57That is a mendacious smear! Mendacious!
0:05:00 > 0:05:02"Mrs Klebb's production was a thought-provoking piece.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04"And the thought it provoked was,
0:05:04 > 0:05:06'Why doesn't someone strangle Mrs Klebb?'"
0:05:08 > 0:05:09"Annie Get Your Gun...
0:05:09 > 0:05:12"and put the audience out of its misery."
0:05:12 > 0:05:14"Tommy.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16"Oh, to be truly deaf, dumb and blind."
0:05:16 > 0:05:19I'm not sure this is a fair cross section.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Would you please read the review
0:05:22 > 0:05:24of my kabuki performance of The Crucible.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30"In Salem, they burned witches at the stake.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33"If only we could bring back that fine tradition for Mrs Klebb."
0:05:33 > 0:05:36That is not a review. That is a personal attack.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- It's both.- From now on,
0:05:38 > 0:05:41I think it's best if someone else reviews the school plays.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- What?!- I've made my decision.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Thank you for your clear judgment in this matter, Headmistress.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50I hereby tender my resignation as theatre reviewer for The Almanac.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- You've been fired. - Well, I resign as well.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55- It's too late. - Well, just so you know,
0:05:55 > 0:05:57I thought about resigning a few seconds before you sacked me.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58That's it.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00I'm putting you on crosswords.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Crosswords?!
0:06:04 > 0:06:05That's disgracious!
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Utterly disgracious!
0:06:12 > 0:06:13Everything OK?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15She's put me on crosswords.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16SHE GASPS That's awful!
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- In what?- The Almanac.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- What's that?- The school magazine.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Right. Oh! Didn't know we had one.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26SHE CHUCKLES Does anyone read it?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28No, of course not, but it's the principle that counts!
0:06:31 > 0:06:36# America, keep your bombs
0:06:36 > 0:06:40# America
0:06:40 > 0:06:42# Keep your guns
0:06:42 > 0:06:43# Tonight
0:06:45 > 0:06:49# There's blood on the Stars and Stripes
0:06:50 > 0:06:51# That's right
0:06:53 > 0:06:54# Tonight
0:06:56 > 0:06:59# Did somebody turn out the light?
0:07:02 > 0:07:06# Cos I can't sleep tonight
0:07:10 > 0:07:12# With the light... #
0:07:12 > 0:07:15GUITAR FADES
0:07:15 > 0:07:18STRUMMING RESUMES
0:07:18 > 0:07:20# ..N'night. #
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Who do you think wrote that song?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28A bell-end?
0:07:28 > 0:07:32It was actually me, but I'm loving the banter, keep it coming.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36What do you think the songwriter was trying to say about America?
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Beyonce?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Well, duh! That they don't like it.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43Excellent! You've heard the subtext.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Cos when you first listen to it, you're just like,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01"That's a really cool song. An anthem, even."
0:08:01 > 0:08:04But if you really listen carefully, there's a hidden message.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06So, homework...
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Boring!
0:08:08 > 0:08:11No, guys, this isn't your average boring homework,
0:08:11 > 0:08:13because what I want you to do, guys,
0:08:13 > 0:08:14is write some lyrics.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16THE KIDS GROAN
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- What...what...what about? - Write about your life.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21That's what people like me and Eddie Sheeran do.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22Maybe you've split up with your bitch.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26Maybe you're in a funk with your folks cos they won't let you watch Hollyoaks Late.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Maybe your mum's run off with a Masai warrior.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Or any kind of African tribal fella.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Not that that's happened to anyone in this class.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Oooh...
0:08:45 > 0:08:46..come on, bell!
0:08:46 > 0:08:48CLOCK TICKS
0:08:51 > 0:08:55- SCHOOL BELL RINGS - There it is.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57MR GUNN: So...
0:08:57 > 0:08:59important match tomorrow.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Somerstown.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03More like Bummerstown.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05THEY ALL GIGGLE
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Just improv'd that.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09We've gotta play dirty.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Kick the ball at 'em.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Like this.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15HE GROANS Or in the nads.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Thank you for volunteering. Good sport.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Time's up, Mr Gunn! Out!
0:09:21 > 0:09:23You what?!
0:09:23 > 0:09:27We have the sports hall booked from four o'clock for rehearsals.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30I'm not having your drama lot gaying up my sports hall.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32We need to rehearse Juliet And Romeo.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Swapped the names round. Well done.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37Juliet has taken second billing for 400 years.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40This is my gender re-imagining of Shakespeare's text.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Didn't understand a word of that.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44I need you out of our rehearsal space.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Look...
0:09:48 > 0:09:52- WHISPERS:- ..this is very important therapy for Josh.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53Who's Josh?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Oh, right, what, the one whose mum's banging...?
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Yep. Yes. Yes.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Well, I don't care.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01I mean, I'm banging Deano's mum.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Look, you don't see him crying about it, do ya?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- We booked the room! - Don't care. Not budging.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09All right, then.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11We're not budging, are we, actors?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- UNENTHUSIASTICALLY:- No...
0:10:16 > 0:10:18All right.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20You give us 20 quid and we'll go down the pub.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Boozer!
0:10:23 > 0:10:25- KIDS:- Yes!
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Phew! Thank the Lord for that.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Right, so, company, gather.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Now, I have set Juliet And Romeo in modern-day Ibiza.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37So...
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Please don't touch my sports equipment, Mrs Klebb! Thank you!
0:10:46 > 0:10:48- MISS POSTERN:- Oh, Mr Church!
0:10:48 > 0:10:49There's a seat here.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Thanks. I've got two desserts - going to get fat!
0:10:52 > 0:10:55MISS POSTERN CHORTLES
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Oh, J-J-Josh!
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Oh! Hello, Josh.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10- Oh, no. He's binge-eating now.- What?
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Look, Josh. He's got a big bucket of chicken.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17I got it him for a treat, cheer him up a bit.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20That's the kind of guy I am. And what d'you get with a Bargain Bucket?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23I don't know, what do you get with a Bargain Bucket?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Free Wall's Viennetta.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- I didn't know that. - Well, I thought you were clever.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31Well, do you really think it's wise to be giving a big bucket of fried food
0:11:31 > 0:11:34and what is essentially a giant choc-ice to a boy of...
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Josh's proportions?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Yes, so he can eat away the pain.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40That's what fatties do, innit?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42I'll just go over and speak to him.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- Oh, I really don't think... - Oh, don't worry.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48I'm good with little 'uns. I'll just go and cheer him up.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Oi-oi, check out Hubble. He's drinking gravy again.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53That man should not be allowed near a Bunsen burner.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Hi, Josh. High-five it.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03How you doing, all right?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Bleak news about your mother.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10You having that popcorn chicken?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Yeah, well, that's women for you, eh!
0:12:18 > 0:12:21They all let you down in the end.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22For me, it was my wife who left.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24No, no, sit down, sit down. I just...
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I just want to put a smile on your face, eh?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Anyway, she split the family apart.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Now I'm living in a caravan.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36My life's over.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40No woman will ever have me.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Some days, I...think I'll just lie in a ditch, wait for it all to end.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53We should start on that Viennetta before it starts to melt.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02It's, er...Nescafe, isn't it?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Yes, it is. Well remembered.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09So I hear you've been removed as the theatre critic?
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- I resigned.- Oh, really? Oh, the Head said you'd been sacked.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13It was simultaneous.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16I wonder who Baron's got to replace me.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Probably some Philistine who knows absolutely nothing about the theatre.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Hm, yeah, it's me!
0:13:21 > 0:13:23- Oh, I'm so sorry.- And so am I.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I didn't want to do it.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27But she said it was that or the crossword
0:13:27 > 0:13:29and I thought, "No, thanks, that's the lowest of the low."
0:13:29 > 0:13:30I'm now doing the crossword.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33It's brilliant. That was my second choice.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Got some big plans for it. Going to be a total reboot.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38So, have you had any experience reviewing?
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Yeah. Yeah, I've written loads of reviews over the years.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Oh! Where can I read them?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Amazon. Mainly cookware.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47In fact, last night I was reviewing a set of sporks.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49What's a spork?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51It's a spoon and a fork.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Oh! Well, you learn something new every day!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Will you be coming to see the play at all?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Oh, no, no, no. I mean, I had to go when I was reviewer.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03- But, I mean, they're so awful, none of the staff go, no.- Oh.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05I'd rather poke my eyes out with a...
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- A spork!- ..a spork!
0:14:08 > 0:14:10To us.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16KNOCK ON DOOR
0:14:16 > 0:14:17- Excuse me, Miss Postern.- Yes?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Er, I'm Josh's dad.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Oh! Oh, yes, hello.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25I just wanted to pop by and say thanks for being so kind to my son.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Oh! He's a pleasure to teach. He's quite a character.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30He's the life and soul of the class.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Sometimes it's a bit difficult to get a word in.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Isn't that right, Josh?
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Well, I think he is going to wow everyone in the school play.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44What part are you playing, Josh?
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Well, just make sure you don't steal the show.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51I think it's going to be wonderful. It's a version of Romeo And Juliet.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55Are you all right?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57That was my wife's third-favourite film.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Oh. Oh, dear, I'm sorry.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Um...
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Are you all right?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05That's awful. I'm sorry.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- This man bothering you? - Er, this is...this is Josh's dad.
0:15:08 > 0:15:09Oh!
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Sorry to hear about your wife running off with the, um...
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- UNDER BREATH:- ..Masai tribesman.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I thought only you and the Headmistress knew.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Well, I'm the Deputy Head of Science,
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- so I'm pretty high up the food chain.- Nobody else knows.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Well, the PE teacher did make a comment in the staff room
0:15:24 > 0:15:26about a sex safari, but he doesn't know the details.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Look, I didn't want to make things worse for Josh.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30Oh, he's dealing with it really well.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34I mean... I mean, he's such a roister-doister.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Aren't you, eh? Ha-ha.
0:15:36 > 0:15:37Well, thanks for your time.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40I just popped in to buy a ticket for the show.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41- MR CHURCH:- Oh! Rather you than me.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Poor Miss Postern has to sit through the whole thing, cos she's reviewing it.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48I, um... I've actually got a spare ticket, so you could come with me.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- What? - Really? That's very kind.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52- Are you sure? - Yes! Yes, of course.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53Why not?
0:15:53 > 0:15:56No, it's crossing a line, fraternising with a parent.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Well, if there's any kind of trouble...
0:15:58 > 0:16:00No, no, no. Just ignore him. You can come with me.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02- Thank you. - That's, er, quite all right.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04I will see you Friday night, then, Mr Hardy.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08- Please - Simon. - No, call him Mr Hardy.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Goodbye, Simon. Bye, Josh.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- Goodbye, Mr Church. - Yes! Goodbye!
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Well, I hope this doesn't drag the school's good name through the mud.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25I know. Mm.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27It's a risk I'm willing to take.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30You jealous?
0:16:30 > 0:16:31- Me?- Yes, you.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32- Jealous?- Yes.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34- Me?- Yes.- No.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35- Little bit jealous?- No.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36- A little bit?- No.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37- Tiny bit?- Jealous?
0:16:37 > 0:16:41- Yes!- Jealous of man whose wife has left him to live in a mud hut?!
0:16:45 > 0:16:48We were just discussing another pupil at the school.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52I heard you got sacked as the theatre reviewer.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54I resigned.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- Everyone says you got sacked. - It was a dead heat.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59So, what mug they got doing it now, then?
0:16:59 > 0:17:00Sarah's doing it.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Oh, right. Might go and see this thing with her.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- Make a bit of a night of it. - No. She's not going to go with you.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09On my suggestion, she's actually taking Josh's father.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Oh!
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
0:17:12 > 0:17:14What? What?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16You know what happens when you see something with a bird, don't ya?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18- Enlighten me.- Well...
0:17:18 > 0:17:22he'll have his coat on his lap and then underneath,
0:17:22 > 0:17:24she'll tug him off.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26This is Sarah Postern we're talking about.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28I hardly think that's likely.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29No, no, no. Happened to me last week, mate.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Took some munter to see Andy Parsons.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35I was laughing and spaffing at the same time. Best night of my life, chief!
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Hello, Miss Postern.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Oh, please - Sarah.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Are you excited about tonight?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Not really. I'm missing The One Show.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Thanks again for the tickets.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54I picked up a couple of programmes.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Oh! Let's see. Where's Josh?
0:17:58 > 0:17:59Oh, there he is!
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Josh Hardy...
0:18:01 > 0:18:03"Unnamed Servant".
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Yeah. I'm proud of him. I'm sure he's going to be great.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Well, let's see how he does.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Oh, good. You've found your seats. I saved you the best ones.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Oh, thank you. Yes, um... This is Janine, the director.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Director, producer, rewriter.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20As I put in the programme, "dramaturge".
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Now, Sarah, I know that we are very good friends...
0:18:23 > 0:18:24Well...
0:18:24 > 0:18:27..but, please, please, please, do not let that influence your review.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28I...
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Here are some tokens for a complimentary tea or squash at the interval.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Oh! Don't think you can buy a good review with a few free soft drinks.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37You'll also find a box of Celebrations under your seat.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39- Understood. - JANINE SNIFFS
0:18:45 > 0:18:46- MR CHURCH:- Good evening.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Oh.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49- So you are here.- Yes.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- So you are a little bit jealous. - No.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54- Little bit jealous.- No.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- Hmm, tiny bit.- No.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57- Sure?- Yep.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58- Positive?- Yep.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Hmm. Not convinced.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Hello, everyone, and welcome to Greybridge.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08Now, recently the school has come under fire
0:19:08 > 0:19:11for not putting enough resources into extracurricular activities.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14And that is why I'm here tonight,
0:19:14 > 0:19:18for what I hope will be an unforgettable evening of theatre.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Thank you.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Thank you so much, Headmistress.
0:19:23 > 0:19:28Right, um... Now, just, um, a few items of housekeeping.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32We have fire exits located here, here and...
0:19:36 > 0:19:37DOOR SLAMS
0:19:37 > 0:19:38So, er...
0:19:38 > 0:19:40- CAR ENGINE STARTS - ..all that remains
0:19:40 > 0:19:45is for me to say that I hope you enjoy this bold re-imagining
0:19:45 > 0:19:47of a play by William Shakka-speare,
0:19:47 > 0:19:51which is how his name would have been pronounced in Elizabethan times.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52- MR CHURCH:- Wrong!
0:19:53 > 0:19:57I give you the tragedy of Juliet And Romeo.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58Romeo And Juliet.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00APPLAUSE
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Two house music nights, both alike.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11No diggity.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15In fair Ibiza, where we lay our scene.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18PUMPING HOUSE MUSIC PLAYS
0:20:33 > 0:20:35MUSIC FADES
0:20:35 > 0:20:36You lookin' at me?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- I wasn't lookin' at you. - Serious, bruv, you lookin' at me?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Have they rewritten any of these lines?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Of course she's rewritten it! She's ruined it!
0:20:43 > 0:20:45All right! Keep it down. Shh!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Shh! I don't know if you've been to the theatre before,
0:20:48 > 0:20:52but there's actually no talking, so shh!
0:20:52 > 0:20:53- Shh, yourself!- Shh!
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Oh, you've just missed your son.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58How was he?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Not great.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03- ACTOR:- ..the Capulets wear their best clothes.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07O, Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo? Send.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09TEXT MESSAGE ALERT
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Getting Nando's. Send.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13TEXT MESSAGE ALERT JULIET: You coming over later?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15- Are you enjoying it? - I like the Maltesers.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- They are the best ones.- Oh...
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Why don't you shut up?!
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- Shush! - JULIET: I'm not that kind of girl!
0:21:21 > 0:21:24You have to put a ring on it first. Send.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25TEXT MESSAGE ALERT
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- ROMEO:- How about some wings instead? Send.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30TEXT MESSAGE ALERT
0:21:30 > 0:21:32PLAY CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY IN BACKGROUND
0:21:44 > 0:21:45What are you doing now?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47I know your game.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49The old "getting tugged off under the coat" trick.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50Ah! Get off!
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Can we...? Can we move, please?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- WHISPERS:- Sorry about that.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- WHISPERS:- Yes, good plan. Much better view.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10JULIET: ..Dad, listen to me, please!
0:22:10 > 0:22:12I tell thee what!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I forbade you from copping off with anybody
0:22:14 > 0:22:16- from the Ministry of Montague. - "Copping off"?!
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Badminton?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23WHISPERS: It's not on tonight.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Oh.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26- MR CHURCH:- Best performance of the evening.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28- THEY LAUGH - He's not even in it!
0:22:29 > 0:22:32- Would you two show some respect?! - Shh!
0:22:32 > 0:22:33And we are back in Ibiza!
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Thus I take this rave pill...
0:22:43 > 0:22:45SHE COUGHS ..and overdose.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49- ROMEO:- Where is my Juliet?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Oh, what?! She has OD'd!
0:22:54 > 0:22:56This has all gone Pete Tong!
0:22:56 > 0:22:58HE GROANS
0:22:58 > 0:22:59ROMEO COUGHS
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Quick! Get them to Ibiza Hospital.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06I think they're gonna be OK.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08What?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10APPLAUSE
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Well, ladies and gentleman, that is the interval.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Well, it's 10:30.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19I have taken the liberty of writing a whole new second half.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21- JANINE SIGHS - See you in 15 minutes.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23APPLAUSE
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- Are you enjoying the production? - Er...
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Well, you'll be glad to hear there's plenty more to come.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Shakka-speare must be rolling in his grave.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Why are you such a tosspot?
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Oh, come on, don't be like that. Be the bigger man.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49Not bigger like that.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52The other...bigger.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Squash?
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Not for me, thanks. It's quite a racket Klebb's got going on there.
0:23:57 > 0:24:0015p for a squash? It's a rip off.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- Hmm, well, I've got free tokens. - That's bribery.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04- Is it? - On top of the Celebrations, yes.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Cos I thought it was an incentive.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Pretty big incentive. Bumper box.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Mr Church, I've received complaints from members of the audience
0:24:11 > 0:24:13that you're ruining the play.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15You are ruining the play.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Anyway, how many complaints have you had?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19There's only about 12 people in here!
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Why don't you just shove off?
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Oh, no. I wouldn't miss this for the world!
0:24:23 > 0:24:25This is going down as one of the worst productions in school history!
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Listen, do yourself a favour and piss off!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30How dare you assault the Deputy Head of Science?!
0:24:30 > 0:24:32My boy's up there and he's showing real talent
0:24:32 > 0:24:33and you're ruining it for him!
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Your son is beyond talentless!
0:24:36 > 0:24:38He's as wooden as a...wooden tree.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40How dare you?!
0:24:40 > 0:24:41I do dare you!
0:24:41 > 0:24:44He only got the part because his mum's having sex with an Afro-ican.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46That's it!
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Oh...
0:24:49 > 0:24:51THUD
0:24:59 > 0:25:05"Renaming the play Juliet And Romeo was an intriguing idea.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08"Mrs Klebb's direction throughout was solid,
0:25:08 > 0:25:12"and her rewriting of Shakespeare's lines made for an interesting evening.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15"Unfortunately, I did not see the second half
0:25:15 > 0:25:17"as I was punched quite hard in the face.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23"It was a fine effort. Three out of five."
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Yes!
0:25:25 > 0:25:27I'm glad that you're happy with it.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Oh! Well, it's not about me, is it?
0:25:30 > 0:25:33It's about the kids - the kids who worked so hard on the production.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Yes, and, er...
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- thank you for the book tokens.- Oh!
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Don't forget to check out my crossword.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43Oh!
0:25:46 > 0:25:49One across - "dramatic failure".
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Travesty. Easy!
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Boys! I hope you're not bullying Josh.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06We ain't bullying him! Man's a legend!
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- Really?- His stepdad's a warrior!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- Kills zebras an' shit.- Yes, well,
0:26:11 > 0:26:13I think you'll find that's poaching
0:26:13 > 0:26:16but, um, it's good that you're making friends.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19And, um, congratulations on the school play.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21You really were perfectly...
0:26:21 > 0:26:23adequate.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28"Dire event".
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Calamity.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Calamitous.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Well...
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I can't sit around watching you do the crossword all day.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38If you'll excuse me.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Have a lovely day.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Juliet.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Romeo.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Intellectual poverty.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Dung?
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Witch?!
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Bastard!
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Just get on with some private reading.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Where is he?
0:27:43 > 0:27:44BANGING ON DOOR
0:27:44 > 0:27:45Open this door!
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Oh! Hello, Pat.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51BANGING CONTINUES
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Mr Church! Come out here!
0:27:58 > 0:28:00BANGING CONTINUES
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Church!
0:28:06 > 0:28:102.5k swim, 110k bike ride, and then a marathon.
0:28:10 > 0:28:11What, all in my wet bikini?
0:28:11 > 0:28:13- MS BARON:- This is a new low for the school.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17What's the matter? You never seen a huge donger before?
0:28:17 > 0:28:20DRYER BLOWS
0:28:20 > 0:28:22- What's a "sex man"? - A man who has sex. Regularly.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24- MRS KLEBB:- They're fighting!
0:28:24 > 0:28:27I'm sorry, but I've got men fighting over me!
0:28:27 > 0:28:29# When I think about the days
0:28:29 > 0:28:32# There is something of a haze about it
0:28:35 > 0:28:37# When you said we'd never change
0:28:37 > 0:28:40# Well, we never stopped to think about it
0:28:42 > 0:28:45# No, we're not the same
0:28:46 > 0:28:49# But let's not break the chain
0:28:49 > 0:28:53# We should play this game together. #