0:00:02 > 0:00:04ENGINE ROARS, MUSIC BLARES
0:00:07 > 0:00:09MUSIC STOPS
0:00:17 > 0:00:20- All right, babes! - That a new car, Trevor?
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Yep. Fuel injection. ABS brakes.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Plenty of room to lie down in the back.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Wow. That's good to know.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Yeah, I bought it with the extra dosh I'm getting
0:00:30 > 0:00:31- as joe-graphy teacher. - Oh, right.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Oh, yes, Sarah, you want to watch out for me.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38I'm now officially the school's most eligible bachelor.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Morning, Sarah!
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Where's your shoe?
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Oh, don't worry, it's in the car. I'll get it later.
0:01:03 > 0:01:04You got your stratus...
0:01:07 > 0:01:10..your cirrus...
0:01:12 > 0:01:14..and your big one there.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17They're just called "big clouds", really.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19- Sir?- What?
0:01:19 > 0:01:20We've got our exams next week
0:01:20 > 0:01:23and we still haven't covered loads of things on the syllabus.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25All right, Eisenstein, what do you need to know?
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Rainforests?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Nah, you don't need to learn about them any more.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29I mean, you lot are lucky,
0:01:29 > 0:01:32they've cut 'em all down to make your exercise books. What else?
0:01:32 > 0:01:33- Map skills.- No need.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Get yourself a TomTom. Whack in a postcode, boom! Job done.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38It's better than a map because it tells you where
0:01:38 > 0:01:40all the speed cameras are.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41And we're meant to do a project on India.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45Don't worry, sunshine, I've got that one covered.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Top Gear - India Special!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Oosh!
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Right, ladies and gents,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54take it away, Professor Clarkson.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Here y'are, watch and learn.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01TOP GEAR THEME PLAYS
0:02:01 > 0:02:03SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:02:05 > 0:02:10Well, I have to say, Keith, you are...very clever.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Why's that?
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Oh, you know, pretending today is just an ordinary day.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17It is just an ordinary day.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Hah, poker face!
0:02:20 > 0:02:23# P-P-P-P-P-P-Poker face! #
0:02:23 > 0:02:26I hope you haven't put a lot of balloons everywhere
0:02:26 > 0:02:29and got me a big cake because I'll be really embarrassed.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- I mean, you know I hate attention. - Is it your birthday?
0:02:32 > 0:02:33You!
0:02:39 > 0:02:41HE PASSES WIND
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Ooh, last night's prawn biryani.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Happy birthday!
0:02:49 > 0:02:53- You forgot, didn't you? - No. Actually...no. Just you wait.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- I am waiting.- Well, just wait a little longer, please.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Merry Christmas, everybody!
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Trevor, you know the main teacher woman?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07The headmistress?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Yeah, that's her. She wants to see you in her office right away.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- What for?- I've been told not to say in front of everyone.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- Right.- Cos you wouldn't want them all knowing that she's sacking you
0:03:16 > 0:03:18as geography teacher.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- What?! - Oh!
0:03:20 > 0:03:22I shouldn't have told you.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Pretend you don't know, because I think she wants it to be a surprise!
0:03:30 > 0:03:34So Mr Gunn and I have come to a joint decision
0:03:34 > 0:03:37that he will step down as geography teacher
0:03:37 > 0:03:40because he knows absolutely nothing about the subject.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45Cos it's boring. "Oh, look! There's an urban conurbation."
0:03:45 > 0:03:47- Who cares? - So as of today
0:03:47 > 0:03:50we have a new, and may I say strapping,
0:03:50 > 0:03:53geography teacher, Dr Dalton.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56And yes, he just happens to be blind.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00APPLAUSE
0:04:00 > 0:04:01I hadn't noticed.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04I don't see the disability, I see the person.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05Well, he has got a white stick.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Would you like to say a few words, Dr Dalton?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Oh, you're so thick...
0:04:12 > 0:04:14..and veiny.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Oh! Has someone turned out the lights?
0:04:16 > 0:04:19SHE GUFFAWS
0:04:19 > 0:04:20Just my little joke.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22No, but seriously, I'm really looking forward
0:04:22 > 0:04:25to getting stuck into some geography with you guys.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28And by the way, don't worry about the "Dr Dalton" thing -
0:04:28 > 0:04:30just call me The Doc.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31What's up, Doc?!
0:04:33 > 0:04:34Cheers.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36APPLAUSE
0:04:36 > 0:04:42Er, can I just say, it's a certain French teacher's birthday today.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Oh, stop! I didn't want to make a big thing of it!
0:04:45 > 0:04:50So I wondered if you'd all join me in a very big Greybridge rendition
0:04:50 > 0:04:51of Happy Birthday.
0:04:51 > 0:04:56ALL: # Happy birthday to you... #
0:04:56 > 0:04:57SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:04:57 > 0:05:01# Happy birthday to you
0:05:01 > 0:05:06# Happy Birthday, dear Miss Postern
0:05:08 > 0:05:11# Happy Birthday
0:05:11 > 0:05:15# To-o-o-o-o-o
0:05:15 > 0:05:19# Y-o-o-o-o-ou
0:05:20 > 0:05:23# Oooh. #
0:05:23 > 0:05:24- Finished?- Yep.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- Should have started earlier. - Yeah, I realise that now.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- And it ended too high.- Ditto. - Is there a card?
0:05:28 > 0:05:29Ooh! Just you wait and see!
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- So, no. - Not yet, no.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35And, Keith, you look ridiculous. Get yourself a shoe.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- MR CHURCH:- I can't fit it all in!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46MR GUNN: Well, it's going to be tight.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48It's making my eyes water.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Should it really be this painful?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Well, just relax a bit and it'll stretch.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Not sure I'll be able to walk properly.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Is everything all right, sirs?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Yes! Fine, thank you, Nicholas.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04Jog on!
0:06:08 > 0:06:10CHILDREN GIGGLE
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- MISS POSTERN:- La jambe.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13Feminine.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Le bras. Masculine.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19La jambe. Le bras. La jambe. Le bras.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21La jambe. Le bras.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Why do we even need to learn French, miss?
0:06:23 > 0:06:27So that when you go to France you can speak the language.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Who here's been to France?
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Euro Disney?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34I've been to Euro Disney, miss.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35So! You've been to France.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38No. I went to the one in Florida.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Right.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Someone here must have been to France.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Great! Olivia, where have you been in France?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Greece.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Greece is not in France, it's in Greece.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:06:49 > 0:06:52OK! Great lesson.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Bon anniversaire! It's, er, French for...
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Yes, I know.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- Shoe looks weird. - Well, it was either that
0:07:06 > 0:07:07or a red stiletto.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Here's your card!
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Oh! Thank you.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13- Hmm...? - Oh...
0:07:13 > 0:07:17Well, there we are, birthday's all done.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Hmm.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21- What's the matter? - Nothing.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25It's just that when it's a member of staff's birthday,
0:07:25 > 0:07:27I usually like to organise a gift.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29You know, a scented candle, spa treatment...
0:07:29 > 0:07:30front-row seats to Mamma Mia!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- Oh, I've got you a present. - Have you?
0:07:32 > 0:07:33- Yep. - You sure about that?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35- Positive. - Where is it?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Well, I'm just trying to spread out the birthday fun for you, Sarah,
0:07:38 > 0:07:41make it extra special. You had the singing this morning...
0:07:41 > 0:07:42- Well... - ..just had the card.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46- Yeah...- And...you'll get the present at, erm...
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- ..at lunch. - Oh! When at lunch?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- Early on at lunch, or...? - Probably towards the end.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54- Hmm.- But just so we understand each other,
0:07:54 > 0:07:59how much should this present that I've already bought you be?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01It's not about the price, it's about the thought.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Between £50 and £100.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Right.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Ah! Trevor!
0:08:24 > 0:08:28Just wondered if you fancied a coffee, tea,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30glass of cool, refreshing milk?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32- What you after now? - I need you to move your car.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36- No.- I need to get to the shops to buy a birthday present for Sarah.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Oh, well, in which case...no.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- Move your car this instant! - Can you not see? I am working!
0:08:41 > 0:08:42- Please? - Ah!
0:08:42 > 0:08:43LAUGHS
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Oosh!
0:08:45 > 0:08:48It's a very funny bit by James May on the Robin Reliant.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Says it looks like a wheelbarrow. Utter class.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Just give me the keys and I'll move it.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Nobody...touches...my wheels.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- Hello, Caretaker. - Hello, Keith.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- I've got a little job for you. - Oh, I can't.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Got to get this floor done. I clean it, they walk on it,
0:09:10 > 0:09:13I clean it, they walk on it, I clean it, they walk on it...
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Well, stop whatever it is you're saying and help me.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17It's a never-ending spiral of dirt...
0:09:17 > 0:09:18There's a pound in it for you.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Me again.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25I'm not moving my car.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29So, did you, er, catch the game last night?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- What game? - Er...
0:09:31 > 0:09:32the football game.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Presumably there was some football on television somewhere.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Champions League, actually.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Didn't know you were into football, Churchy.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- Oh, yeah. I love the football. - Who's your team?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44- L...Liverpool. - Good squad.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Mm.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Manchester United.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Manchester City.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51- Chelsea. - You can only have one team.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Leeds...Nottingham.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56- Basingstoke...? - They're not a team.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Mm.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Well, that's our football chat over!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Quite the expert, Churchy.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05John Motson must be crapping himself.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08And he probably is, actually. He is quite old.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13OK, so just move it backwards a metre so I can jump into my car.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- Been a while since I've driven. - Very gently, then.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Just ease it backwards.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20ENGINE ROARS
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- God...! - Bugger.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Oh, God, what have you done? Forwards, forwards, forwards!
0:10:27 > 0:10:29ENGINE ROARS
0:10:32 > 0:10:33Bugger!
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Go, that's enough! Get out before you cause any more damage.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Trevor's car's virtually a write-off.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- Do I still get my pound? - No, you do not!
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- I'm sorry to have let everyone down again.- Yes!
0:10:50 > 0:10:51ENGINE ROARS
0:11:05 > 0:11:07That was your fault!
0:11:27 > 0:11:31It's wonderful we've finally got a disabled teacher at the school.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35I think it's wrong to focus on his disability.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I think we should see Dr Dalton for what he is,
0:11:37 > 0:11:39a cool teacher who just happens to be blind.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- Visually impaired. - Visually impaired.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43And of ethnic origin.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Is he? I hadn't noticed.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Ooh, Doc! Hey, Doc, there's, um, there's a seat here.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Sorry, who's that?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00It's Sarah. Sarah Postern, French department.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Five foot nine, slim build, strawberry-blonde hair.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Nice to meet you.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- Erm, let me help you with that. - Thank you.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Erm...
0:12:13 > 0:12:15..would you like to touch my face?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Erm...maybe later.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19Is the food any good here?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Erm, it's OK, actually.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23I mean, today I've just gone for a green salad,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26because I like to maintain my slim, yet shapely, figure.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28SHE CHUCKLES
0:12:28 > 0:12:31That's the low-calorie salad dressing going on.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34So, how long have you been working here?
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Oh, erm, a year.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38- A year. Er... - The kids are lovely.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44- Happy birthday! - Ooh, it's you.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Thank you.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48And this is your birthday gift,
0:12:48 > 0:12:51which I didn't just go out and buy, I actually bought quite a while ago.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Well, it's certainly very big.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Not as big as that cheeseburger!
0:12:56 > 0:12:58He's pointing at someone else's lunch.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Dr Dalton, it's Keith Church, deputy head of science.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Hi.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03And I'm in the dining hall.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Yes, I realised that.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07And I've just brought in a very large birthday gift
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- for Sarah Postern. - Yes, we've covered that.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- Are you going to open it now? - I'll open it later.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Oh, open it now!
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Better wipe your fingers first.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Don't want to get ketchup all over it!
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Sarah Postern's just opening the present now.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28She's ripping through the paper with her hands.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Listen, you don't have to keep doing that.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Oh, it's no trouble.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36La tour Eiffel!
0:13:36 > 0:13:38La tour Blackpool.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41La tour Eiffel.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- La tour Blackpool. - La tour...
0:13:43 > 0:13:44It's the Blackpool Tower, Keith.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Look, it's written there.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Are you blind?!
0:13:50 > 0:13:52SHE MOUTHS
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Just so you know,
0:13:55 > 0:13:58it was Sarah Postern that made that inappropriate remark.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00I don't mind.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01Thank you.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Why did you get me a picture of the Blackpool Tower?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07I was in a rush. I thought it was the Eiffel Tower.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09I've obviously ruined your birthday.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12No, you haven't. It's still a very nice picture.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13And it wasn't cheap.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15It was actually towards the upper end of your price range.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Well, that's very generous of you.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19- It was £90. - Don't need to know the exact price.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20You said between 50 and 100,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22and I could have spent 50, but I actually spent 90.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Because, Sarah...
0:14:24 > 0:14:25you're worth it.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Thank you. That is very sweet.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31So, are you two just colleagues, or is there more to it than that?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34No. No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Oh, come on, Sarah!
0:14:36 > 0:14:38No, no.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40No. No! No. No.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43I think what Sarah's trying to say is yes and no.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45No and no.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49But, erm, thanks again, Keith. I'll, erm, see you in the staffroom later.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Yes, you will.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Well, er, nice to meet you properly, Dr Dalton.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55- Just call me The Doc. - Oh!
0:14:55 > 0:14:57What's up, Doc?!
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Yeah, I already made that joke earlier.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03I'll leave that... leave that there for you.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06And, er...
0:15:06 > 0:15:08I'm just walking...
0:15:08 > 0:15:12out of the canteen now, heading towards the door.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16And I'm through the door.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18And that's me gone.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I think he's got a thing for you.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Oh! They all do.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26It's not easy being the youngest and most attractive woman at the school.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33So...
0:15:33 > 0:15:37my spies tell me you were having lunch with Piggy Postern.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Sarah?
0:15:39 > 0:15:42We all call her Piggy Postern because she has an upturned nose,
0:15:42 > 0:15:44like a pig.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I...didn't know that.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49She's also got stumpy little hands like trotters.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54SHE EXHALES
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Cigarette?
0:15:55 > 0:15:56HE COUGHS
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Surely smoking's against the rules?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01I make the rules, darling.
0:16:01 > 0:16:02And then I break them.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Was there...something you needed to speak to me about, headmistress?
0:16:10 > 0:16:11No.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15I, er, really should get to my geography class.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Yes.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20You bad, bad boy.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Let me see you out.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Oh. Erm... Just...
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Er, excuse me... I'm just, er...
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Oi!
0:16:48 > 0:16:50What the hell's happened to my motor?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- It wasn't me. - Well, who was it?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Who's done this to my wheels?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56I-I-I couldn't say.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59But he's the deputy head of science.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02I'll kill him.
0:17:05 > 0:17:06Bugger.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Oh! Hello, Trevor!
0:17:12 > 0:17:14I'm going to kill you.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18In fairness, I only took the bumper off.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21I'm going to teach you a lesson, Churchy.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Ow!
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Oh! Hello, Nicholas!
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Tell 'em I'll be a bit late for badminton, Nicholas.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Ow! Ow!
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Here we go.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Nice cup of tea.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Just what the doctor ordered!
0:17:48 > 0:17:49Thank you!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53So, um...
0:17:54 > 0:17:56..don't take this the wrong way,
0:17:56 > 0:17:59I would do this for any new teacher,
0:17:59 > 0:18:01but do you fancy coming over on Saturday night for dinner?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Do you mind if I just...?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Oh! No.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22I'd love to.
0:18:22 > 0:18:27Oh! Great! I was thinking of doing some traditional French cuisine.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Hmm. Magnifique!
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- Ooh! Tu parles francais? - Mais oui!
0:18:31 > 0:18:34So nice to have someone around here with a little bit of, er...
0:18:34 > 0:18:36IN FRENCH ACCENT: ..sophistication.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39French for "sophistication", right?
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Is there anything you don't know?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43THEY LAUGH
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Hello!
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Keith Church entering the staff room.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Morning, Keith.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Morning.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- Morning, Sarah. - Good morning, Keith.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Doc, can I make you a cup of tea?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58- Sarah just made me one, thanks. - Oh!
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Did she indeed?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02I see the picture I bought you is still here.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04- Yes, it is. - Are you not going to take it home?
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Well, it's quite big, so it's fairly difficult to carry.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I'll do it for you. I've got a roof rack.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Didn't know that about me, did you,
0:19:11 > 0:19:13that I have a roof rack? I could pop it round on Saturday.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14I'll stick it up.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16What?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Well, once Churchy's dropped it round, he can sod off
0:19:18 > 0:19:19and I'll get on with the banging.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Do not let him inside your house, Sarah.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Look, I'm not sure I want to put it up anyway.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24But I thought you said you liked it.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27You're going to have to do something with that monstrosity,
0:19:27 > 0:19:31- because you can't leave it here. - It is not a monstrosity. It was £90!
0:19:31 > 0:19:33OK, look, erm...
0:19:33 > 0:19:35why don't you drop it round on Saturday afternoon
0:19:35 > 0:19:36and you can put it up?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Yeah, then you and me can get a party started, babes.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41No. No parties starting.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44I've actually got plans on Saturday evening.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47So as soon as that picture goes up, you can both leave.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Both of us?
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Yes, both of you.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Including me?
0:19:53 > 0:19:54Including you.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57So what about me?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16You're early.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18'Ello, missus. Need an 'andyman?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20It's like the start of a porno, innit?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Yeah, but only the very start.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25I brought you some Malibu.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Me mum's had a few swigs, but there's still plenty left.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29I thought maybe we could have a little lie down,
0:20:29 > 0:20:32chuck on some Smooth FM, you know, before Churchy gets here.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34He's already been here two hours.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Well, he's very early!
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Haven't you brought any tools?
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Oh, right, yeah, the pic... No, I forgot about that.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44That is why you are both here.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Well, Churcherella, get yourself down to Wickes.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48No rush. Have a little browse, grab a coffee,
0:20:48 > 0:20:49come back in a couple of hours.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52No, you should go. I need to stay here and guard Sarah.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54- No, you go. - Right, you can both go.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Cock blocker.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Ow!
0:21:25 > 0:21:27DRILLING
0:21:53 > 0:21:55HAMMERING
0:22:01 > 0:22:03CRASH
0:22:09 > 0:22:11What you doing under there, babes?
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Finished?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Yep.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22Not going to fall on me?
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- Er, shouldn't do. - Right, well, thank you very much.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Off you go.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Any other odd jobs we can be getting on with while we're here?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31No, no, I just need you to leave.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Oh, I could do with a quick cup of tea.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35No, no tea for me. I'll just have, er, the Malibu.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37OK, these aren't for you!
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Well, who are they for, then?
0:22:38 > 0:22:41I have a friend coming over to dinner.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Soon. So I'm very sorry, but I need you both to leave.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47A female friend or...a male friend?
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- It doesn't matter. - Well, it does matter,
0:22:50 > 0:22:52cos if it's a geezer I'm going to have me Malibu back.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53Come on. Out!
0:22:53 > 0:22:55DOORBELL RINGS
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Right, you two...
0:22:57 > 0:23:00just get out. Get out that way.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Get out.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06That's nice, innit? Come round and do a bit of free DIY,
0:23:06 > 0:23:09then it's, "Out you get, I've got a fella coming round to sex me up."
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Well, I don't think anyone's going to be sexing anyone up.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- DR DALTON:- So... have the Chuckle Brothers gone?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Yeah, yeah, don't worry.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Keith and Trevor left ages ago.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Erm, have a seat.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29OK, there we go. Would you like a drink?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32A large glass of this wine, please.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34- And make sure you have some, too. - Oh!
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Thank you.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50ROMANTIC PIANO MUSIC PLAYS
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Mm, mm, mm!
0:23:52 > 0:23:54That was, as my uncle would say...
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- IN WEST INDIAN ACCENT: - ..totally delicious.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Thank you.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Yes, it's from a Raymond Blanc cookbook.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02I mean, I've just added a few of my own ideas, too.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Is everything OK? You seem a bit tense.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08No! No, no, no, no. No. No, I'm fine.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10May I...?
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Oh!
0:24:14 > 0:24:15It's so nice to...
0:24:15 > 0:24:17spend some time alone together.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Oh!
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Yes.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22- Yes, it is. - Is there any more of that wine?
0:24:22 > 0:24:25No, I'm afraid we've drunk all the wine.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- I do have some Malibu, though. - Ooh!
0:24:28 > 0:24:33Malibu! Well, let's have some of that and move onto the sofa, huh?
0:24:33 > 0:24:34Or the armchair.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Won't be a moment.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Don't be too long!
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Oh, my God!
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Happy birthday.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16Like your present?
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- This is Mr Church in the living room.- What the hell?!
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Trevor Gunn's here, an' all.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24We're just making our way out of the living room.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26We'll see you first thing Monday morning.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I'll have that back, an' all.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:25:39 > 0:25:42MS BARON: ..and until the trampoline is returned,
0:25:42 > 0:25:45there will be no more trampoline club.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49And finally, due to some...unfortunate events
0:25:49 > 0:25:51over the weekend...
0:25:51 > 0:25:55Dr Dalton has decided not to return to the school.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56CHILDREN: Oooh...!
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Is there anything you'd like to add?
0:25:58 > 0:25:59No...
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Sure?
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Yep.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04It all seems very odd.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Yeah.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07It does seem odd, doesn't it?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19About Saturday night. I'm sorry that you had to see that.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Well, it was right in my eye line.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25I mean the date. Well, I mean, it-it-it wasn't a date.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28I just...thought he was sophisticated.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30You know, I thought he was going to be different.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Oh, Keith, I made such a fool of myself.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Oh, Sarah, how were you to know he'd take off all his clothes
0:26:37 > 0:26:40before you'd had a chance to serve the tarte tatin?
0:26:40 > 0:26:41Or the cheese plate.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43- Ooh, there was a cheese plate as well?- Yeah.
0:26:43 > 0:26:48- I suppose I got Dr Dalton very wrong. - Just so you know...
0:26:48 > 0:26:50not all us men are like that.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53No. I know.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Well, I mean, Trevor is. He's worse.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57He'd probably whip it out before the starter.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Let's just forget Saturday ever happened, shall we?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Good idea.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03See you at lunch?
0:27:03 > 0:27:04Oh! I look forward to it.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10And I promise not to take off all my clothes!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20It'll be 13 years now.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Is it really? 13 years?
0:27:21 > 0:27:24- I'm a dad. - Wow!
0:27:24 > 0:27:26- So someone actually let you, erm...?- Yeah!
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Parents' evening on Thursday.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31We're all very much looking forward to it, headmistress.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Personally, I'd rather shit in my hands and clap.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Sorry, I'm up here,
0:27:36 > 0:27:38not down here.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Ryan! Give us an oosh!
0:27:40 > 0:27:41- Oosh!- Oosh!
0:27:41 > 0:27:43There's something I've got to tell you.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45I'm Ryan's...
0:27:46 > 0:27:47..real...
0:27:49 > 0:27:51# When I think about the days
0:27:51 > 0:27:54# There is something of a haze about it
0:27:56 > 0:28:00# No, we're not the same
0:28:00 > 0:28:04# But let's not break the chain
0:28:04 > 0:28:08# We should play this game together. #