Episode 3

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0:00:10 > 0:00:12Ryan, where's your kit?

0:00:12 > 0:00:14I left it at home, sir.

0:00:15 > 0:00:16He's left it at home.

0:00:16 > 0:00:19Well, you're not getting out of PE that easily.

0:00:19 > 0:00:20You can be a cone.

0:00:24 > 0:00:25Right, you lot...

0:00:25 > 0:00:28Ryan...is a cone.

0:00:29 > 0:00:30OK, gentlemen...

0:00:32 > 0:00:33Dribble!

0:00:37 > 0:00:39SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

0:00:39 > 0:00:43- Can I help you, babes? - I'm Ryan's mum, got his kit.

0:00:44 > 0:00:47Ryan, what you doing with that cone on your head? Go on, get changed.

0:00:49 > 0:00:51Thanks, Mum.

0:00:54 > 0:00:55It's been a while, Trevor.

0:00:55 > 0:00:59- Since what? - Since we, um...

0:00:59 > 0:01:00you know.

0:01:01 > 0:01:02Oh, right.

0:01:02 > 0:01:05- Did we? - You don't remember, do you?

0:01:05 > 0:01:08Pub car park, Seven Bells?

0:01:08 > 0:01:09Wookey Hole Caves?

0:01:09 > 0:01:12Back of Greggs? Caravan, Ideal Home Exhibition?

0:01:12 > 0:01:14Legoland, Windsor?

0:01:14 > 0:01:15Cleaning cupboard, Pizza Hut?

0:01:15 > 0:01:19Do I look like the kind of lady who'd do it in a cleaning cupboard?

0:01:19 > 0:01:21- Back of the Megabowl? - That's it.- Oosh!

0:01:21 > 0:01:23Oh, that's what you said that night when you, um...

0:01:23 > 0:01:27Yeah, I always say that, even when I'm doing it on my own.

0:01:27 > 0:01:30- How long ago was this, then? - Oh, it must be 13 years now.

0:01:30 > 0:01:31Is it really, 13 years?

0:01:32 > 0:01:33Whoaf!

0:01:35 > 0:01:37It was good times.

0:01:37 > 0:01:39Time.

0:01:39 > 0:01:40Good to see you, Trevor.

0:01:40 > 0:01:41What, no, and you.

0:01:43 > 0:01:44Ryan's mum.

0:01:47 > 0:01:4813 years...

0:01:50 > 0:01:51Sssh!

0:01:59 > 0:02:0013 years?!

0:02:13 > 0:02:14Hello there.

0:02:14 > 0:02:16Give us a hand with these leaves, Churchy.

0:02:16 > 0:02:18Oh, I'd love to, but I haven't received the proper training.

0:02:18 > 0:02:20Come on, pal, there's thousands of the beggars.

0:02:20 > 0:02:22Every time I pick one up, another one falls.

0:02:22 > 0:02:24Well, that's the nature of leaves,

0:02:24 > 0:02:26but on behalf of the entire teaching staff,

0:02:26 > 0:02:28I wish you all the best with them. Sarah?

0:02:32 > 0:02:35- Is he all right? - I think he's just a bit leafed out.

0:02:35 > 0:02:38So, are you excited about parents' evening?

0:02:38 > 0:02:41- Oh, I'm dreading it. - Why?

0:02:41 > 0:02:45It's so embarrassing, all those dads flirting with me.

0:02:45 > 0:02:48- Really? - Yes, they all flirt with me.

0:02:48 > 0:02:50Oh, I get the same with all the mums.

0:02:50 > 0:02:51- Really? - Yeah.

0:02:51 > 0:02:55- I'm not lying.- I mean, I'm trying to speak to these grown men

0:02:55 > 0:02:57about their child's French homework

0:02:57 > 0:02:59and they're just staring at my chest.

0:03:00 > 0:03:02Yeah, that would...

0:03:02 > 0:03:03Oh, er...

0:03:05 > 0:03:08- Sorry, what were you saying? - Sarah, can I have a word?

0:03:08 > 0:03:11Anything you need to say to Sarah you can say in front of me. Chest.

0:03:11 > 0:03:14- What?- I didn't accidentally just say "chest", why would I?

0:03:14 > 0:03:17- Keith, can you stop staring at my chest?- Chest.

0:03:18 > 0:03:19Chest.

0:03:21 > 0:03:22No, sorry, what?

0:03:24 > 0:03:26Why did I come over here again?

0:03:26 > 0:03:30Oh, yeah, I need to talk to you...alone.

0:03:30 > 0:03:32- You OK? - No.

0:03:32 > 0:03:35- I think I should come, too.- Keith, he wants to speak to me alone

0:03:35 > 0:03:38and I think that's for the chest... breast, best.

0:03:38 > 0:03:40That is your fault.

0:03:45 > 0:03:47OK?

0:03:47 > 0:03:48Yeah.

0:03:50 > 0:03:52Better?

0:03:52 > 0:03:54Better.

0:03:56 > 0:03:57All right?

0:03:57 > 0:03:59Mm-hm.

0:03:59 > 0:04:03So, why don't you start

0:04:03 > 0:04:06by telling me what's wrong?

0:04:06 > 0:04:08Oh, yeah, right, um...

0:04:08 > 0:04:09Sarah, I just found... SCHOOL BELL RINGS

0:04:09 > 0:04:12Oh, just wait for that to stop.

0:04:12 > 0:04:13BELL CONTINUES RINGING

0:04:13 > 0:04:16It goes on quite a long time, doesn't it?

0:04:16 > 0:04:17BELL STOPS

0:04:17 > 0:04:19- And go. - Look, I just found out that...

0:04:22 > 0:04:24..I'm a dad.

0:04:24 > 0:04:26Wow!

0:04:27 > 0:04:30What, so, so someone actually let you, um....

0:04:30 > 0:04:32Yeah, it was 13 years ago.

0:04:32 > 0:04:34- So they're 13? - No, he's 12.

0:04:34 > 0:04:38The baby is inside the lady's tummy for nine months before it comes out.

0:04:38 > 0:04:40Yes, I did know that!

0:04:40 > 0:04:42But he goes to this school.

0:04:44 > 0:04:45He doesn't even know I exist.

0:04:45 > 0:04:49Well, if he goes to this school, he probably does know you exist.

0:04:49 > 0:04:51Oh, yeah, that's true.

0:04:51 > 0:04:54Yeah, actually, I just took him for PE.

0:04:54 > 0:04:57Oh, this is better than an episode of Waterloo Road.

0:04:57 > 0:04:59I don't know what to do.

0:04:59 > 0:05:02Trevor, can I just say? I'm really happy

0:05:02 > 0:05:03that you've come to me with this

0:05:03 > 0:05:05cos I'm actually a really good listener.

0:05:05 > 0:05:06Yeah, well, I thought...

0:05:06 > 0:05:09Ah, ah, ah, ah, ssh! And I think that you becoming a father

0:05:09 > 0:05:12is the best thing that could ever happen to you.

0:05:15 > 0:05:16Do you think I'll make a good dad?

0:05:23 > 0:05:26So... What else have you been up to?

0:05:35 > 0:05:38These biscuits are on the turn.

0:05:38 > 0:05:42Right, every... Oh, God, it's vile in here!

0:05:42 > 0:05:45So, everyone, parents' evening on Thursday.

0:05:45 > 0:05:48We're all very much looking forward to it, Headmistress.

0:05:48 > 0:05:51Personally, I'd rather shit in my hands and clap.

0:05:51 > 0:05:53Now, a few do's and don'ts.

0:05:53 > 0:05:57Mr Gunn, try not to get into any scuffles with the parents.

0:05:57 > 0:06:01I won't be rude about anyone's kids because I realise now that...

0:06:01 > 0:06:04children are the greatest gift you could ever have.

0:06:04 > 0:06:08- Have you dropped an E?- I just realised that life's beautiful

0:06:08 > 0:06:12- and we need to let love into our hearts.- He's found God!

0:06:12 > 0:06:14Even worse!

0:06:14 > 0:06:15- Mrs Klebb? - Present.

0:06:15 > 0:06:17The parents don't want to know about

0:06:17 > 0:06:19your partner's irritable bowel syndrome.

0:06:19 > 0:06:20It's actually got a lot worse.

0:06:20 > 0:06:23This morning I had to give Frieda a manual evacuation.

0:06:23 > 0:06:25Too much information.

0:06:26 > 0:06:28- Miss, um...? - Postern.

0:06:28 > 0:06:31- QUIETLY: I'm beginning to think... - Sorry, what did you say?

0:06:31 > 0:06:32Er, nothing.

0:06:32 > 0:06:35No, no, no, you said something, so share it with the group.

0:06:38 > 0:06:41Well, I said I am beginning to think you are forgetting my name

0:06:41 > 0:06:44- on purpose. - Would I do that? Miss, um...?

0:06:44 > 0:06:45Postern.

0:06:45 > 0:06:49You should know, dear, that last parents' evening,

0:06:49 > 0:06:53I received numerous complaints about your choice of attire.

0:06:53 > 0:06:55Excuse me?

0:06:55 > 0:06:59Many mothers said you were "dolled up like a Parisian prostitute."

0:06:59 > 0:07:02Well, I'm sorry, I'm not... I'm not having that.

0:07:02 > 0:07:05It is every woman's right to dress as she chooses

0:07:05 > 0:07:08and if all the dads keep ogling my chest, that really isn't my fault.

0:07:08 > 0:07:11Well, they will look if you flop them out on the table.

0:07:11 > 0:07:13- MR MARTIN:- I'm not going to be there. - What?

0:07:13 > 0:07:16It's wrong. The whole concept of parents' evening is wrong.

0:07:16 > 0:07:18We work so hard to get the trust of these kids

0:07:18 > 0:07:21and then what do we go and do? We grass them up to their folks.

0:07:21 > 0:07:22No, I won't be a part of it.

0:07:24 > 0:07:26Also, it's the same night as Bake Off.

0:07:26 > 0:07:28Oh, what, Bake Off's on?

0:07:28 > 0:07:30The lemon meringue pie last week...

0:07:30 > 0:07:34ALL TALK AT ONCE

0:07:34 > 0:07:38Will you please all shut up about the sodding Bake Off!

0:07:38 > 0:07:41Well, let's put it to a vote.

0:07:41 > 0:07:43Hands up if you think we should cancel parents' evening.

0:07:45 > 0:07:49Fortunately, Mr Martin, this school is not a democracy -

0:07:49 > 0:07:51it is a dictatorship -

0:07:51 > 0:07:54so you will all be there without fail.

0:07:54 > 0:07:57Don't mind me. Just doing the bins.

0:07:58 > 0:08:00So, the parents will arrive at seven.

0:08:00 > 0:08:02- Parents' evening, is it? - Yes.

0:08:02 > 0:08:07Oh, great! I can't wait. All of us making a night of it,

0:08:07 > 0:08:09popping down the pub for a couple of pints and a good chinwag later.

0:08:09 > 0:08:13Mr Barber, your presence will not be required.

0:08:16 > 0:08:18Oh, yes, er...

0:08:18 > 0:08:20Of course, er...

0:08:20 > 0:08:22I just do the manual work.

0:08:24 > 0:08:25I forgot.

0:08:27 > 0:08:31Oh, hey, I could still set up a little caretaker stall...

0:08:31 > 0:08:34give the mums and dads advice on how best to get shoes out of trees,

0:08:34 > 0:08:36- if you like? - Me no like.

0:08:36 > 0:08:38Yes.

0:08:38 > 0:08:40Got it.

0:08:40 > 0:08:43Just get on with the bins, Gareth,

0:08:43 > 0:08:45else you'll make things worse than they already are.

0:08:45 > 0:08:47LIQUID DRIPS FROM BIN

0:08:47 > 0:08:49Oh!

0:08:49 > 0:08:51Now I've got bin juice all over the shop!

0:08:51 > 0:08:54Come on, Gareth, come on, come on.

0:08:54 > 0:08:59Let's get you back to your shed.

0:09:00 > 0:09:02You couldn't give me a hand with some leaves, could you?

0:09:02 > 0:09:04Course I will, chuck.

0:09:06 > 0:09:10Well, it would've been kinder to have had him put down.

0:09:22 > 0:09:24WHISTLE BLOWS Penalty!

0:09:24 > 0:09:26- What?! - He wasn't even near the ball!

0:09:26 > 0:09:28You off! Ball.

0:09:30 > 0:09:32Ryan's taking it.

0:09:32 > 0:09:33- What?! - Come on.

0:09:33 > 0:09:35BOYS GRUMBLE

0:09:38 > 0:09:41- I don't know what to do, sir. - Of course you do.

0:09:41 > 0:09:43All right, it's football, it's in your genes.

0:09:43 > 0:09:46All you've got to do is pick your spot

0:09:46 > 0:09:48and don't change your mind.

0:09:48 > 0:09:51Imagine, it's the World Cup final, yeah?

0:09:51 > 0:09:54The whole country is behind you.

0:09:54 > 0:09:58They're all chanting your name - Ryan, Ryan, Ryan!

0:09:59 > 0:10:02Go on, son, make me proud.

0:10:03 > 0:10:04BLOWS WHISTLE

0:10:09 > 0:10:12Don't move!

0:10:12 > 0:10:13Yes!

0:10:13 > 0:10:14ALL COMPLAIN

0:10:14 > 0:10:16Yes!

0:10:16 > 0:10:18Give me an oosh! Oosh!

0:10:18 > 0:10:22- PUPIL:- To be or not to be, that is the question.

0:10:22 > 0:10:26Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows

0:10:26 > 0:10:27of outrageous fortune...

0:10:28 > 0:10:31- ..or to take arms against... - Next!

0:10:33 > 0:10:34All right?

0:10:35 > 0:10:37Can I help you?

0:10:37 > 0:10:39You don't mind if I sit in on this one, do you?

0:10:39 > 0:10:41I didn't have you down as a Shakespeare fan.

0:10:41 > 0:10:44Oh, yeah, massive. I've read all his plays.

0:10:44 > 0:10:48Really? Which is your favourite?

0:10:48 > 0:10:49King...

0:10:51 > 0:10:53..Kong.

0:10:53 > 0:10:55OK.

0:10:55 > 0:10:59Right, so, remember, this is the most dramatic moment of the play,

0:10:59 > 0:11:02the most famous speech in the history of theatre.

0:11:02 > 0:11:08Prince Hamlet is contemplating whether to live or die.

0:11:08 > 0:11:09And begin.

0:11:11 > 0:11:13- DEADPAN:- To be or not to be, that is the question,

0:11:13 > 0:11:16Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

0:11:16 > 0:11:18the springs and arrows of out...

0:11:24 > 0:11:29..outrageous fortune or...or to take arms against a sea of troubles

0:11:29 > 0:11:31and by opposing...

0:11:31 > 0:11:33end them.

0:11:33 > 0:11:34Finished.

0:11:39 > 0:11:42Boom!

0:11:42 > 0:11:44SCHOOL BELL RINGS

0:11:44 > 0:11:45There's your Hamlet.

0:11:56 > 0:11:58Your alphabet's wrong.

0:12:00 > 0:12:04Trevor, what an unexpected, er...

0:12:04 > 0:12:06- What do you want? - No, nothing.

0:12:06 > 0:12:09Just relax, it's just a social call, Churchy.

0:12:11 > 0:12:13It's about Ryan's test paper.

0:12:13 > 0:12:15It's 31%.

0:12:15 > 0:12:17- Yes?- You must've marked it wrong, the boy's a genius.

0:12:17 > 0:12:19Well, I wouldn't say he's a genius.

0:12:19 > 0:12:22What is H2O? He's written "fruit drink."

0:12:22 > 0:12:24Why does this matter to you?

0:12:26 > 0:12:28I see a lot of myself in that boy

0:12:28 > 0:12:31and believe it or not, I wasn't all that academical myself at school.

0:12:31 > 0:12:33I do believe that.

0:12:35 > 0:12:38Go on, Churchy, give him an extra mark.

0:12:38 > 0:12:40If I do, will you immediately leave my classroom?

0:12:40 > 0:12:43- Yes.- Hm, 32%.

0:12:43 > 0:12:45Boom!

0:12:48 > 0:12:51I'm telling you, Churchy, that boy's got the potential to go all the way,

0:12:51 > 0:12:54to Cambridge even.

0:12:54 > 0:12:58Hmm. On a coach trip, maybe.

0:13:00 > 0:13:02BLOWER WHOOSHES

0:13:07 > 0:13:10Mr Barber, what are you doing?

0:13:10 > 0:13:14- What? - What are you doing?

0:13:14 > 0:13:15SWITCHES BLOWER OFF

0:13:17 > 0:13:20- What are you doing? - It's a pre-emptive strike.

0:13:20 > 0:13:23- What?- Blow the leaves off the tree before they fall,

0:13:23 > 0:13:25beat them at their own game.

0:13:25 > 0:13:28Perhaps you should concentrate on the leaves on the ground.

0:13:28 > 0:13:29But where do you think they come from?

0:13:32 > 0:13:33HE RESTARTS BLOWER

0:13:33 > 0:13:35Goodbye, Mr Barber.

0:13:54 > 0:13:57How are you finding, er...

0:13:58 > 0:14:00..fatherhood?

0:14:00 > 0:14:03- What? - Fatherhood!

0:14:03 > 0:14:06Oh, it's the best thing I ever did, spreading the Gunn seed.

0:14:06 > 0:14:07I'm actually eating.

0:14:09 > 0:14:11I just hope I can pass on all my knowledge to him.

0:14:11 > 0:14:14- Oh, well, it shouldn't take too long.- Yeah.

0:14:14 > 0:14:17I mean, it's hard to explain to somebody who doesn't have kids.

0:14:17 > 0:14:19Not really because I have two cats,

0:14:19 > 0:14:22Jules et Jim, so I think I know what it's like to be a mother.

0:14:22 > 0:14:25- It's not really the same though, is it?- Well, you wouldn't know

0:14:25 > 0:14:28because you don't have cats.

0:14:28 > 0:14:31- Can I ask which boy it is? - No, I can't tell you.

0:14:31 > 0:14:33He don't know himself yet, so it wouldn't be fair on the lad.

0:14:33 > 0:14:35- Yeah.- Yeah.

0:14:35 > 0:14:36You could tell me though.

0:14:36 > 0:14:39- No.- Well, you could cos I wouldn't tell anyone.

0:14:39 > 0:14:40No.

0:14:40 > 0:14:42No, I understand.

0:14:45 > 0:14:47Is it Kieran?

0:14:47 > 0:14:48No.

0:14:48 > 0:14:49Is it Tyler?

0:14:49 > 0:14:53- No.- Is it Abdul? It wouldn't be Abdul, would it?

0:14:53 > 0:14:55- Is it Ryan? - I didn't know Ryan was here.

0:14:57 > 0:14:59Ryan!

0:14:59 > 0:15:00Give us an oosh!

0:15:00 > 0:15:02- Oosh!- Oosh!

0:15:08 > 0:15:10- It's Ryan, isn't it? - Yeah.

0:15:12 > 0:15:13Bollocks.

0:15:16 > 0:15:19Oh, I'm fine with the test tubes, thank you, Jo.

0:15:19 > 0:15:21- Oh, hello, Sarah. - Oh, I'm sorry, is this

0:15:21 > 0:15:24- not a good time? - Oh, no, Jo was just leaving us.

0:15:24 > 0:15:25Would you mind leaving, Jo?

0:15:34 > 0:15:36Thank you, Jo.

0:15:37 > 0:15:39Ohh!

0:15:40 > 0:15:43- What's the matter? - Nothing.

0:15:44 > 0:15:46Well, I'm glad you popped by

0:15:46 > 0:15:48because I wanted to talk to you about Fair Trade week.

0:15:48 > 0:15:51Keith, you can't expect me to care about the price of bananas

0:15:51 > 0:15:53with everything that's going on at the moment.

0:15:53 > 0:15:54What is going on?

0:15:54 > 0:15:55I can't tell you.

0:15:55 > 0:15:58- You can't tell me? - It's a secret.

0:15:58 > 0:16:02- Oh.- So, whatever you do, please don't ask me to talk about it

0:16:02 > 0:16:04because I simply can't.

0:16:06 > 0:16:08Well, I thought we could do an assembly together

0:16:08 > 0:16:10- comparing the prices of a coffee... - I just feel like I'm stuck

0:16:10 > 0:16:14right in the middle between a really difficult situation.

0:16:14 > 0:16:17- What situation? - I can't say.

0:16:17 > 0:16:20It's about Trevor. I've said too much already.

0:16:20 > 0:16:23- Did he try and touch you? - Yes, but that's not it.

0:16:25 > 0:16:27Well, I can't really help unless I know what it is.

0:16:27 > 0:16:31Then guess. You can guess, I mean, I won't say anything.

0:16:31 > 0:16:33I'll just nod my head if you're getting warmer

0:16:33 > 0:16:35and I'll shake my head if you're getting colder.

0:16:38 > 0:16:39Well, um...

0:16:39 > 0:16:41He's got a secret love child at the school.

0:16:41 > 0:16:43- So someone actually let him...? - Yes!

0:16:43 > 0:16:46I mean, it's hard to believe, I know, but, yes.

0:16:46 > 0:16:49- Who is this love child? - Well, that I can't tell you.

0:16:49 > 0:16:51- I understand. - It's Ryan.

0:16:52 > 0:16:56Beatboxing masterclass, Luke Martin on the mic, here we go.

0:16:56 > 0:16:59HE BEATBOXES

0:16:59 > 0:17:02Boots and cats! Boots and cats!

0:17:02 > 0:17:05We're into it one time, great big school coming at ya!

0:17:05 > 0:17:08CONTINUES BEATBOXING

0:17:08 > 0:17:10MC Nicholas, drop it.

0:17:10 > 0:17:12- Dum de dum... - Back to me.

0:17:12 > 0:17:15CONTINUES BEATBOXING

0:17:17 > 0:17:19SCHOOL BELL RINGS

0:17:19 > 0:17:21Homework in first thing tomorrow, please.

0:17:27 > 0:17:30- Oh, hi, Keith. - Oh!

0:17:30 > 0:17:32It's not easy having a secret.

0:17:32 > 0:17:34Is it about Ryan being Trevor's love child?

0:17:34 > 0:17:36- Who told you?- Sarah.- When?- Just before this lesson.

0:17:36 > 0:17:38Well, she told me at the end of lunch

0:17:38 > 0:17:40so I knew a good 45 minutes before you.

0:17:40 > 0:17:42- Amazing anyone would actually let him...- Yes.

0:17:42 > 0:17:45Of course, it's very important no-one else knows.

0:17:45 > 0:17:47- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Haven't told anyone, have you?

0:17:47 > 0:17:49No, no, not really, just Klebb...

0:17:49 > 0:17:51Baron, Hubble and Jo. You?

0:17:51 > 0:17:53Mentioned it to the man who popped in to change the ink

0:17:53 > 0:17:55in the photocopier.

0:17:55 > 0:17:56Other than that, not a soul.

0:17:56 > 0:17:58So no-one's told Barber?

0:18:14 > 0:18:17- Gareth! - Gareth!

0:18:17 > 0:18:19- Gareth! - Gareth!

0:18:19 > 0:18:21Mr Gunn has got...

0:18:21 > 0:18:22..a love child.

0:18:24 > 0:18:26Gareth's got a love child!

0:18:26 > 0:18:27In your face!

0:18:42 > 0:18:43Hello, Sarah.

0:18:45 > 0:18:47I just wondered if after parents' evening tonight,

0:18:47 > 0:18:50you fancied going for a drink?

0:18:50 > 0:18:52Do you want to have children?

0:18:52 > 0:18:54- I'm sorry? - Do you want to have children?

0:18:54 > 0:18:56Well, can we just see how the drink goes first?

0:18:56 > 0:18:58It's just this whole thing with Trevor

0:18:58 > 0:19:00has got me questioning everything.

0:19:00 > 0:19:03I mean, I am a woman who has always put my career first,

0:19:03 > 0:19:05that's why I'm one of the top French teachers in the county.

0:19:05 > 0:19:07In the whole of the South-East.

0:19:07 > 0:19:10But...I've been thinking...

0:19:11 > 0:19:15..and what would really make me happy is...if I had a baby.

0:19:15 > 0:19:17Well, if it's a baby you're after...

0:19:17 > 0:19:20- I know how they're made. - I would hope so, you're 44.

0:19:20 > 0:19:23Not clear on all the small print, but I know the headlines.

0:19:23 > 0:19:24Oh, Keith...

0:19:24 > 0:19:26have we both left it too late?

0:19:26 > 0:19:28Well, I haven't.

0:19:28 > 0:19:30- Are you saying I have? - No, no!

0:19:30 > 0:19:34Not at all, I mean, how old are you, 40...?

0:19:34 > 0:19:38- Around 40.- Around 40, well...you have a small window.

0:19:38 > 0:19:41No, I've got a big window.

0:19:41 > 0:19:44I've been thinking I'd really love to have a baby girl.

0:19:44 > 0:19:45Or a boy.

0:19:45 > 0:19:47Called Amelie.

0:19:47 > 0:19:51- Nigel.- I'd raise her in a run-down old farmhouse in Provence.

0:19:51 > 0:19:53Guildford.

0:19:53 > 0:19:56- She'd grow up to be an artist.- With a science degree to fall back on.

0:19:58 > 0:19:59She'd be a good mother.

0:19:59 > 0:20:02She'd give me seven grandchildren.

0:20:02 > 0:20:04Well, that would make Christmas very pricey,

0:20:04 > 0:20:06plus even a trip to Chessington World of Adventures,

0:20:06 > 0:20:07we'd have to hire a minibus.

0:20:07 > 0:20:10SHE SIGHS

0:20:10 > 0:20:12We'll not bother with that drink, shall we?

0:20:35 > 0:20:36How are you feeling, Trevor?

0:20:36 > 0:20:39Anxious, nervous, tense?

0:20:39 > 0:20:41It's just going to be so tough, you know,

0:20:41 > 0:20:44coming face to face with Ryan's, um...

0:20:44 > 0:20:47- dad.- Yes, well,

0:20:47 > 0:20:50what's best for Ryan is that it is still secret.

0:20:50 > 0:20:52Yeah.

0:20:52 > 0:20:55- You haven't told anyone, have you? - No, no, no, no.

0:20:55 > 0:20:57Of course not.

0:20:57 > 0:20:59It's going to be awkward for you tonight, isn't it, Trevor?

0:20:59 > 0:21:01- What?- Hope it goes all right with Ryan's dad.

0:21:01 > 0:21:04You've only got yourself to blame.

0:21:04 > 0:21:06- Not you as well! - Sorry, just to say,

0:21:06 > 0:21:10the photocopier's up and running, and good luck with Ryan's dad.

0:21:13 > 0:21:15Who told him?

0:21:15 > 0:21:17BUZZ OF CONVERSATION

0:21:17 > 0:21:20If I can have a bit of quiet, please?

0:21:20 > 0:21:25I can still hear people chattering about Mr Gunn's love child.

0:21:25 > 0:21:30Let us not forget, tonight is an important showcase for the school,

0:21:30 > 0:21:34so let's all work together and give it 100%.

0:21:34 > 0:21:38I wish I could stay, but it's nearly time for Bake Off.

0:21:50 > 0:21:52He's got quite a sense of humour, your lad,

0:21:52 > 0:21:54always making up funny names for me -

0:21:54 > 0:21:57the Nerd, Mr Moobs,

0:21:57 > 0:21:59Bellend.

0:21:59 > 0:22:02Can you please ask him to stop? It's actually very hurtful.

0:22:02 > 0:22:05Kelly needs to work on her pronunciation.

0:22:05 > 0:22:09Sorry, I'm up here, not down here.

0:22:09 > 0:22:14Please stop looking at these.

0:22:14 > 0:22:18The service here is very slow, they haven't even brought us a menu!

0:22:18 > 0:22:20If Tom really wants to make it in the music biz, he's got to

0:22:20 > 0:22:24change his attitude. He really needs to start bunking off lessons.

0:22:24 > 0:22:29When it comes to A levels, I don't think he should take chemistry

0:22:29 > 0:22:32or any other subject he can't spell the name of.

0:22:32 > 0:22:37Alesha should not drop drama, drama is a hugely important subject,

0:22:37 > 0:22:41plus you can get a C for just turning up.

0:22:41 > 0:22:44Not that she'd need that...at all.

0:22:45 > 0:22:47Regardez le visage!

0:22:47 > 0:22:49Ne parlez hooters!

0:22:52 > 0:22:55You'd think they'd at least bring us some breadsticks.

0:22:55 > 0:22:56I'm going to...

0:22:56 > 0:22:58HE BEATBOXES

0:23:01 > 0:23:04I didn't cast Connor in the production

0:23:04 > 0:23:07because I've always seen Hamlet as a little Chinese girl.

0:23:09 > 0:23:11Is anyone having a starter?

0:23:11 > 0:23:14Or are we all going straight to the main course?

0:23:23 > 0:23:24ROOM GOES QUIET

0:23:24 > 0:23:28So, um, you must be, er...

0:23:28 > 0:23:30Ryan's, um...

0:23:32 > 0:23:33Dad.

0:23:33 > 0:23:35Yeah.

0:23:35 > 0:23:36Course you are, mate.

0:23:37 > 0:23:40- So, how's he getting on? - Brilliant.

0:23:40 > 0:23:42- So proud of him. - Really?

0:23:42 > 0:23:44He's always struggled with sports.

0:23:44 > 0:23:46Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, the kid's world-class.

0:23:46 > 0:23:49I mean, I'd bet money on him...

0:23:49 > 0:23:50captaining England one day.

0:23:50 > 0:23:53Well, it's great you believe in him so much.

0:23:53 > 0:23:55Ryan is always talking about Mr Gunn, isn't he?

0:23:55 > 0:23:57Yeah, you're his favourite.

0:23:57 > 0:23:58Am I?

0:24:00 > 0:24:01What does he say about me?

0:24:01 > 0:24:04Just that you've been really looking out for him, so cheers for that.

0:24:05 > 0:24:09Yeah, and thank you for, um...

0:24:09 > 0:24:11for all you've done too.

0:24:12 > 0:24:17Yeah...um, is there anything Ryan can do better?

0:24:18 > 0:24:19No.

0:24:20 > 0:24:22He's perfect.

0:24:23 > 0:24:27OK, well, we'd better go and see that tarty French teacher now.

0:24:30 > 0:24:31No, stop!

0:24:32 > 0:24:34I can't live this lie any longer.

0:24:34 > 0:24:36There's something I've got to tell you.

0:24:36 > 0:24:38- What? - Oh, Trevor, don't do this.

0:24:38 > 0:24:42I have to, babes. It's...it's eating me up inside.

0:24:48 > 0:24:50I'm Ryan's...

0:24:50 > 0:24:52real...

0:24:54 > 0:24:57LEAF BLOWER WHOOSHES

0:25:05 > 0:25:07Turn it off, turn it off!

0:25:10 > 0:25:13Mr Barber, you know you're not meant to be here.

0:25:13 > 0:25:14Just dealing with a rogue leaf.

0:25:17 > 0:25:18Evening, everybody.

0:25:20 > 0:25:22Nice to see so many friendly faces again.

0:25:23 > 0:25:26I don't know if you all know, but...

0:25:26 > 0:25:29I went through a very dark patch...

0:25:29 > 0:25:30bit of a breakdown,

0:25:30 > 0:25:33a biggie.

0:25:33 > 0:25:35Not able to teach any more.

0:25:37 > 0:25:38Just...

0:25:38 > 0:25:41dealing with leaves...leaves these days.

0:25:43 > 0:25:46- All right, Gareth. - HE BREATHES DEEPLY

0:25:46 > 0:25:47Let's get you back to your shed.

0:25:50 > 0:25:52What was it you were going to say?

0:25:53 > 0:25:54Eh?

0:25:54 > 0:25:56Oh...

0:25:57 > 0:26:00You know, I'm Ryan's...real...

0:26:05 > 0:26:07..PE teacher.

0:26:07 > 0:26:09- And his dad. - What?

0:26:09 > 0:26:11Why would anyone think you're Ryan's dad?

0:26:11 > 0:26:14Because of, you know, what you and me done...

0:26:14 > 0:26:1513 years ago.

0:26:15 > 0:26:18What we did that night can't make you pregnant.

0:26:21 > 0:26:22Yeah, I knew that.

0:26:22 > 0:26:26You told me you'd been with some wrong 'uns before me, but seriously?

0:26:26 > 0:26:28This geezer's off the scale!

0:26:28 > 0:26:30Look, no, hang on, he can't be Ryan's real dad.

0:26:30 > 0:26:32He's not, Ryan's adopted.

0:26:32 > 0:26:34Sorry, can I get a bit of quiet, please?

0:26:35 > 0:26:39Something very important's happened, I've just this moment heard,

0:26:39 > 0:26:43Jillian's custard tarts were too soggy.

0:26:44 > 0:26:46She's out of the Bake Off.

0:26:46 > 0:26:49DISAPPOINTED GROANS

0:26:58 > 0:27:00Sir?

0:27:00 > 0:27:01All right?

0:27:03 > 0:27:04What do you want? I'm on my break.

0:27:06 > 0:27:08I just wanted to give you this.

0:27:18 > 0:27:20"Mr Gunn...

0:27:21 > 0:27:25"Thanks for being the best PE teacher in the world.

0:27:26 > 0:27:28"Love, Ryan.

0:27:28 > 0:27:30"PS...

0:27:30 > 0:27:31"Oosh!"

0:27:48 > 0:27:50Ofsted?

0:27:50 > 0:27:52I hear we've got a visit coming from those Ofsted bastards.

0:27:52 > 0:27:56Great teachers have nothing to fear from an inspection.

0:27:56 > 0:27:58True, so I suggest you take the day off sick.

0:27:58 > 0:27:59What do we normally do?

0:27:59 > 0:28:01- Wash your car. - All go down the chippy?

0:28:01 > 0:28:02I'm not a bad teacher.

0:28:02 > 0:28:04Oh, no, no, no, you're an abominable one.

0:28:04 > 0:28:05Who are you calling amobidable?

0:28:05 > 0:28:08- Le bingo.- Why didn't I hear any numbers, miss?

0:28:08 > 0:28:11- Well, they were all in French. - You should've said.

0:28:11 > 0:28:15This is a disaster. If Ms Steele finds the drugs, we're finished.

0:28:15 > 0:28:19I would like to make a donation to Ofsted.

0:28:19 > 0:28:21- Do you think you can corrupt me with money?- No.

0:28:21 > 0:28:25- That's a career ender. - Well, don't say that.

0:28:25 > 0:28:27- DAPHNE:- Headmistress, she hasn't seen me.

0:28:30 > 0:28:32She's seen me.

0:28:33 > 0:28:39# When I think about the days There is something of a haze about it

0:28:41 > 0:28:48# Though we're not the same Let's not break the chain

0:28:48 > 0:28:53# We should play this game together. #