0:00:00 > 0:00:01CHATTER OUTSIDE
0:00:07 > 0:00:09KNOCKING ON DOOR
0:00:09 > 0:00:10Morning, Headmistress.
0:00:10 > 0:00:11Can't you see I'm working?
0:00:11 > 0:00:13- May I sit down?- No.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16Oh. I was wondering if you were any closer to finding the culprit
0:00:16 > 0:00:19who dropped the bag of drugs in the playground,
0:00:19 > 0:00:20the, er..."mari-ju-ana"?
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Da 'erb problem is being dealt with as we speak.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25There's a peculiar smell in here.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Must be the Glade. They've brought out a new flavour.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Oh, really? What's it called?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Jamaican Breeze.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34On your way out, perhaps you could
0:00:34 > 0:00:38tell my secretary I'm not to be disturbed. Thank you so much.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42And if you find another bag of ganja on school property,
0:00:42 > 0:00:44do bring it straight to me.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48MUSIC: Is This Love by Bob Marley
0:00:48 > 0:00:49- Daphne?- Yeah?
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Our glorious leader has asked not to be disturbed.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Right.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58"Do not disturb...
0:00:58 > 0:01:02"headmis...tress."
0:01:02 > 0:01:05PHONE RINGS Oh.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Hello, Greybrick School?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Er...no, you're right. It is Greybridge.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15I'll put you straight through to her.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18PHONE RINGS MUSIC CONTINUES
0:01:20 > 0:01:22What's up?
0:01:22 > 0:01:25MUSIC STOPS Ofsted?!
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Hello?
0:01:31 > 0:01:33LOW CHATTER
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Quiet, please!
0:01:36 > 0:01:39- I can still hear talking. - God, it's like being at school.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40You are at school.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42- Well...- Right, everyone,
0:01:42 > 0:01:44we need to batten down the hatches.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47There's a major shitstorm coming our way.
0:01:47 > 0:01:52Tomorrow we have a little visit from our friends at Ofsted.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Oh, great(!) First I go and drop my bag of grass in the playground.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56- now this.- Now, hear this.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00The inspection is being led by one Ms Steele,
0:02:00 > 0:02:02who, as some of you have heard,
0:02:02 > 0:02:04seems to get her kicks from closing down schools,
0:02:04 > 0:02:07so we all have to be on top form tomorrow.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09With respect, Ms Baron,
0:02:09 > 0:02:11let's remember that great teachers
0:02:11 > 0:02:15have nothing to fear from an inspection.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17True, so I suggest you take the day off sick.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20We're all right behind you, Headmistress.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22If the children misbehave, we beat them.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Oh, God help us. Right.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29- Yes, Miss, um...? - It's Postern. P-O...
0:02:29 > 0:02:30We haven't time for that.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Well, as you know, my teaching
0:02:32 > 0:02:36methods are somewhat maverick, but I get results.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- And the point is? - Getting to it, my question -
0:02:38 > 0:02:43should I employ a more traditional style of teaching for the inspection
0:02:43 > 0:02:44or just carry on being the
0:02:44 > 0:02:47inspirational Miss Postern the kids know and love?
0:02:47 > 0:02:52My advice would be to turn down the volume on your personality, dear.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54It's extremely grating.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Any more questions?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Nobody? Right, that's it. Class dismissed.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Sarah? I just wanted to say,
0:03:04 > 0:03:08in answer to your question, don't go changing.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Oh, thank you.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13# I love you just the way you are. #
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Well, that's very kind.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18# Do-do, da-do-do, da-do, da-do-do
0:03:18 > 0:03:23# Don't go changing to try and please me... #
0:03:23 > 0:03:24You're embarrassing me now.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26- Stop singing immediately. - Sorry, but I mean it.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Don't change a thing, your teaching, your hair,
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- your mole... - I don't have a mole.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- Well, what's that thing on your chin?- It's a beauty spot.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- Is it?- Yes.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- You're sure?- It is a beauty spot.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Sorry. Forget I said anything.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44But for future reference,
0:03:44 > 0:03:46how big does a beauty spot have to
0:03:46 > 0:03:48be before it can be categorised as a mole?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50- A lot bigger than this. - Got it.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53And, as I said, don't change a thing.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- Teachers like us don't need to. - Well, you do.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- Excuse me?- You need to change.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Hm. Well... Ha! I appreciate your honesty, Sarah.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04If there's one small area I could
0:04:04 > 0:04:06perhaps improve upon, what would it be?
0:04:06 > 0:04:10Ooh, where to start?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Um...well, the kids find your lessons boring.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- Mm, haven't heard that one before. - And you're very pedantic.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- Yeah, I did just say one area. - Plus, you're really old-fashioned -
0:04:19 > 0:04:21the way you talk, the way you dress.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- Yeah, it's getting personal. - Well, the mole was quite personal.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26- Now you're saying it is a mole. - If you'll excuse me,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I've got a rather exciting French lesson to go and teach,
0:04:29 > 0:04:33unlike chemistry lessons, which I've heard can be rather dull.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Rue de Coronation.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41EastEnders.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43L'Enders l'Est.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Hollyoaks. 'Olly-oaks.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Hollyoaks Late. 'Olly-oaks Tard.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- BELL RINGS - Now, tomorrow we're going to have an
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Ofsted inspector sitting in the class with us.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Oh, my God. Are you going to lose your job, Miss?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00No, no, of course I'm not. I'm probably the best teacher here.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Then why can't we speak French, Miss?
0:05:02 > 0:05:07All I'm going to say is, can you just behave as if it's a normal lesson?
0:05:07 > 0:05:11- Er...Nicholas? Could I just speak to you?- Am I in trouble, Miss?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13No.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Um...
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- FRENCH ACCENT:- Bubble gum? - What?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- USUAL ACCENT:- Bubble gum? - Um...no, thank you.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- FRENCH ACCENT:- It's 'Ubba Bubba.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- USUAL ACCENT:- It's Hubba Bubba. - I'm fine, thank you.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29So...how are things?
0:05:29 > 0:05:30Fine.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Not really, are they?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- Are they? Are they really, though? - Yeah, fine.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- Not being bullied?- Nope.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Well, that's a shame.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- Can I go now, Miss?- No, a bit of extra homework for you.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45Can you just learn this tonight and then tomorrow we'll go through it in class?
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- Is it a play, Miss? - Yeah, yeah, it is.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50It's...it's a play of sorts, yeah.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52It's just something I've... I've knocked together.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55You're playing Bullied Child
0:05:55 > 0:05:58and I've highlighted all your lines for you so let's just go through it.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00"Miss, I need to ask you something."
0:06:00 > 0:06:04"Yes? I'm your teacher. I'm here to help."
0:06:04 > 0:06:05"I'm being bullied."
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- But I'm not being bullied.- No, I know you're not being bullied.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09But for tomorrow, could you just pretend?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11I don't want to.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Well, that's a shame, Nicholas,
0:06:14 > 0:06:18because I really wanted to give you an A in your coursework.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Let me know if you change your mind.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27MUSIC BLARES
0:06:30 > 0:06:32MUSIC STOPS
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- Why are you dressed like that? - Well, you know me.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38I've always been very with it.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40So, what you going to do when Cher wants her jacket back?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Very funny.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44So, you looking forward to your last day at Greybridge?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- You what? - You must be worried.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Those Ofsted inspectors can sniff out a bad teacher a mile away.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52- I'm not a bad teacher. - Oh, no, no, no.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54You're an abominable one.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- Who are you calling amobidable? - Nobody.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01The word's abominable. Any good teacher would know that.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03But what are you going to do when Cher wants her jacket back?
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Yes, you've already done that one. Morning, Sarah.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Morning. Mm.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11- I see you've taken my advice. - Mm, not really.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15I was, er...thinking about getting some new threads anyway.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17But, er...do you approve?
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- Mm, can I be honest? - I'd rather you weren't.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- Then you look great. - Ooh, thank you.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Have you reserved the inspectors' seats in the canteen for lunch?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- Done.- And have you polished all the trophies in the cabinet?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Yep, both of them.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33And has the shiny toilet paper in the staff lavatories
0:07:33 > 0:07:36been replaced with something a little more forgiving?
0:07:36 > 0:07:39I've even left some Moist Wipes on top of the cistern.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Daphne, you're a treasure. DAPHNE SNIFFS
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- What is it?- It's just...
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- there's a bit of a funny smell in here.- Smell of what?
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Like someone's been smoking cigarettes but not normal cigarettes.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Well, I must try and get to the bottom of that.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55I can smell it in the chairs and everything.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58All right, all right. I'll sort it out. You go and meet the inspectors.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59But don't let them in here till I say.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- Got it.- Stall them. Give them a guided tour.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Paint a glowing picture of the school.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08So, do or don't mention the outbreak of happy-slapping?
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Don't, obviously.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- "Don't mention..." - Well, don't write it down.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Now go, go, go. Off you go. They'll be here in a minute.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- Excuse me.- Morning.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26- Will you take us to Ms Baron's office?- Right you are.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Trying to get the place looking spick-and-span.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34I hear we've got a visit coming from those Ofsted bastards.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35This way.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Girls' bogs.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45French, and this is my old geography classroom.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48That's where it all started unravelling for me.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51It's cos I'm Welsh, you see, and my name's Barber.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Kids used to chant, "Baa!
0:08:53 > 0:08:56"Baa, baa!"
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Non-stop.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01When I close my eyes, I can still hear it.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07"Baa, baa, baa."
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- Excuse me! Can you...? - I can't stop!
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Oh, shit!
0:09:20 > 0:09:22They found me crouched in a cupboard, munching on an atlas.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24That's the problem with the kids here.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26You can't control 'em. None of us can.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Not even the headmistress. That's her office.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Stop! You can't go in.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- What?- Er...the door's jammed.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Right, hold this.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Caretaker to the rescue.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Welcome to Greybridge!
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Always a pleasure to have a visit from our friends at Ofsted.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53Ofsted?
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Oh, bugger.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02I've let everyone down again, haven't I?
0:10:03 > 0:10:04Oh.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10It's my pigeon.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16You must be Ms Baron. May we sit down?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Yes, of course, Ms Steele. Gentlemen?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Here's our brand-new prospectus for you to peruse.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28We're very proud of this school.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31A strip seems to have been ripped off this.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Strange.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Oh, I must look into that.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Don't worry, Ms Steele. We've got some more here.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47As you can see, on page five,
0:10:47 > 0:10:49we have some terrific plans
0:10:49 > 0:10:53for the playing fields that are currently grass.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57We need to get rid of the grass.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Oh, are we having Astroturf?
0:10:59 > 0:11:04We will. But first, we desperately need to remove the grass.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- SHE MOUTHS:- It's in her bag.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- What? SHE MOUTHS:- It's in her bag.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Oh, for goodness' sake.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- What's that?- Er...nothing.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- We should really get on with this inspection.- Yes, yes, of course.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26If you would care to leave any bags here, you're very welcome.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27That won't be necessary.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Do the teachers all know we're here?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Well, I may have mentioned it in passing
0:11:32 > 0:11:34to one or two members of staff. But don't worry,
0:11:34 > 0:11:36what you're about to see is a
0:11:36 > 0:11:40perfectly normal day here at Greybridge.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43How is water created?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46PUPILS LAUGH You look like a sperm.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Well, there's no need for that sort of language. Sorry about that.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Now, Jake, as you know, my lessons are never boring,
0:11:52 > 0:11:56which is why today I am a hydrogen atom
0:11:56 > 0:11:58and I would like to introduce you to
0:11:58 > 0:12:01my twin brother who is also a hydrogen atom,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Mr Hubble.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05PUPILS LAUGH
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- I am a sperm. - PUPILS LAUGH
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- You are a hydrogen atom. - I am a hydrogen atom.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13And we are both unstable.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15That's why I'm on the pills.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17We are unstable atoms.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21So, we need to meet another atom with spare electrons. Jo?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23PUPILS LAUGH
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Jo is an oxygen atom and we are both attracted to her.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30- Speak for yourself. - In the exercise.
0:12:30 > 0:12:31As you may have noticed,
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Jo has a pair of balls...
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- LAUGHTER - ..tennis balls, which represent...
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- Anybody?- Testicles!
0:12:39 > 0:12:42No. You're not helping.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45They are electrons.
0:12:45 > 0:12:50Now, us two hydrogen atoms want to share oxygen's electrons
0:12:50 > 0:12:53so we can bond to form...
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- Anybody? - A menage a trois!- No.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Anybody?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Anybody? It's up on the board.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03- H2O.- Correct!
0:13:03 > 0:13:07And that's how you teach chemistry.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Jo! Ha-ha. Back in the cupboard, please.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12PUPILS CHATTER
0:13:12 > 0:13:14This is a disaster.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17If Ms Steele finds the drugs, we're finished!
0:13:17 > 0:13:20I'm so sorry, Ms Baron. Oh!
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- I've got an idea.- What?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26You could happy-slap her while I steal the bag.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Seems inconceivable, Daphne, but you've actually come up with
0:13:29 > 0:13:31something that will make matters worse.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33- Thank you. - It isn't a compliment!
0:13:33 > 0:13:35We have to think of something.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41CYMBAL CLANGS
0:13:41 > 0:13:43HE GRUNTS
0:13:44 > 0:13:46We haven't followed the syllabus this year,
0:13:46 > 0:13:49never have, never will, not in Luke Martin's class.
0:13:49 > 0:13:54We haven't been learning about Beet-hoven or Mozart or Batch.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Why? Because I make my lessons relevant to the kids.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00All this term we've been learning about
0:14:00 > 0:14:03the fifth-biggest rock band in the UK right now,
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- Kasabian. Watch this. Lead guitarist? - Serge Pizzorno.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- First single to chart.- Club Foot.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- Where did Kasabian meet? - Countesthorpe Community College, Leicester.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12(Smashed it, mate.)
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Shame you don't get proper music
0:14:13 > 0:14:17like Kasabian or Snow Patrol or the Arctic Gorillaz
0:14:17 > 0:14:20on the GCSE music syllabus,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23or, as I like to call it, syllable-crap.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Yeah, teacher said a bad word.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Oops! Get over it.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30BELL RINGS Right.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Get lost, the lot of you.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Catch you later, yeah?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Obviously, normally, I do stick to the syllabus.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Oh, hello again. Sorry about calling you all a load of bastards earlier.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56I hope you're having a smashing day out.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Just looking for the bathroom, thank you.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02Oh, well, let me show you. I've just cleaned them, as it goes.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05You can put that in your report, if you want. "Toilets outstanding".
0:15:05 > 0:15:07I'll think about that one, thank you.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Yeah, well, here at Greybridge, we like to be top of the bogs, eh?
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Can I interest you in a copy of yesterday's Daily Star?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17No. Thank you.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Ah, well, have a wonderful dump.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28DOOR SQUEAKS LIQUID DRIPS
0:15:28 > 0:15:29Ah.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Morning.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- Ah, there you are, Ms Steele. - Can I help you, Ms Baron?
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Well, I just brought you a cup of coffee
0:15:42 > 0:15:45and there's a Bendicks mint on the saucer for you.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Put it there.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52What are you doing?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54I was just wondering how the inspection's going.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57I'll file my report at the end of the day.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Well, I can't wait to read it.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02I can't wait for you to read it either.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04LOW DRAGGING
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- Ms Baron?- Yes?
0:16:09 > 0:16:12You seem to have got your foot caught in my bag.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Have I? Oh!
0:16:18 > 0:16:20So sorry.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28I'm watching you...
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Baron.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42WHISTLE BLOWS
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Gunn's in the 'ouse!
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Right, Year Nine. PE. What do we normally do?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- Wash your car? - All go down the chippy?
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- Watch cage-fighting?- Ha-ha-ha! Little jokers, ain't they?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Don't...
0:16:55 > 0:16:56ruin it for me.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58No!
0:16:58 > 0:17:00We play...
0:17:00 > 0:17:04basketball. It's my best sport, obviously.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Here you are, watch this.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11WHISTLE BLOWS
0:17:11 > 0:17:14# Don't try to compare us to another bad little fad, I'm the Mac
0:17:14 > 0:17:16# And I'm bad Give you something that you never had
0:17:16 > 0:17:18# I'll make ya bump, bump, wiggle and shake your rump... #
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Yes! Yes!
0:17:20 > 0:17:22- You didn't bounce it, sir! - You, off!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- What? - Talking back to the referee, moosh!
0:17:25 > 0:17:27# And everything is to the back with a little slack... #
0:17:27 > 0:17:31Yes! Oosh, oosh, oosh!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Yes! Slam-dunk.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35# R&B, rappin' bull crap is what I'm dumpin'
0:17:35 > 0:17:37# Ain't nothin' sucker about Kris Kross, we all that
0:17:37 > 0:17:40# So when they ask, "Do they rock?" Say, "Believe it"
0:17:40 > 0:17:41# Jump, jump
0:17:41 > 0:17:43# The Mac Dad will make you jump, jump
0:17:43 > 0:17:46# Daddy Mac will make you jump, jump
0:17:46 > 0:17:48# Kris Kross will make you jump, jump
0:17:48 > 0:17:50# Uh-huh, uh-huh, jump, jump
0:17:50 > 0:17:53# The Mac Dad will make you jump, jump
0:17:53 > 0:17:55# Daddy Mac will make you jump, jump
0:17:55 > 0:17:57# Kris Kross will make you jump, jump
0:17:57 > 0:17:59# Uh-huh, uh-huh jump, jump
0:17:59 > 0:18:02# The Mac Dad will make you Jump. #
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Sorry, chief.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Dix.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Dix. Le bingo?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Non? Le bingo?
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Pas de bingo?
0:18:21 > 0:18:22OK.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Deux petit canard.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Vingt-deux.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Vingt-deux?
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Vingt-deux?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Vingt-deux?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Vingt-deux?
0:18:37 > 0:18:38Le bingo?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Non?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Le bingo.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Non? Le bin... Well, that's all the balls.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47So, everyone should have had bingo by now.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49But I didn't hear any numbers, Miss?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Well, they were all in French.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Oh, you should have said.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Yes?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05I'm your teacher. I'm here to help.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Miss, I need to ask you something.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10You're being bullied?
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Well, I'm very sorry to hear that.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13How long has this been going on?
0:19:15 > 0:19:16I'm being bullied.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20A week?
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Who's bullying you, Nicholas?
0:19:26 > 0:19:27A week?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Well, perhaps you'd like to stay behind after the lesson
0:19:35 > 0:19:37and we can get to the bottom of this.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39One of the older boys?
0:19:42 > 0:19:43That's very sweet of you to say!
0:19:45 > 0:19:47I wish all teachers were like you, Miss.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53And that's the end of the lesson.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Just an ordinary lesson. Ha...
0:19:55 > 0:19:57BELL RINGS
0:19:59 > 0:20:00Ooh!
0:20:00 > 0:20:05- CHILDISH VOICE:- I wonder what you're writing back there?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Scribble, scribble, scribble!
0:20:13 > 0:20:15DOOR CREAKS
0:20:22 > 0:20:24DOOR OPENS
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Ooh! Ha-ha!
0:20:27 > 0:20:29We're going to have to stop meeting like this.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31It's you. Yes, it's me.
0:20:31 > 0:20:36Um...so, obviously, what happened in my lesson shouldn't have happened
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- and I accept that. - Please, get out of my way.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Just to say I would like to make a donation to Ofsted.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44What?!
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Is this a bribe?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49No, it's a donation.
0:20:50 > 0:20:55But you can choose to give it to Ofsted or...
0:20:55 > 0:20:58keep it for yourself.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Do you think you can corrupt me with money?
0:21:03 > 0:21:05No.
0:21:05 > 0:21:06No.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09(No...)
0:21:09 > 0:21:13Here is my Nectar card. There are 50,000 points on that.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18(Hello, Headmistress.) >
0:21:20 > 0:21:22No, still haven't got it.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25I'm just hiding in the toilet.
0:21:26 > 0:21:27She hasn't seen me.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33She's seen me.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Aye-aye. What's Postern blubbing about?
0:21:41 > 0:21:45- She'll want me to go and comfort her.- I saw her first, mate.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48Ouch!
0:21:53 > 0:21:57What are you doing? Can't you see I'm upset?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00I'm sorry, Sarah. I'm actually here to help. What's the matter?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02- I've made a dreadful... - What's the matter, princess?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05- Can you, please, stop touching her? - You stop touching her.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09Will you both, please, stop touching me and listen? This is about me.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Yes, Trevor, a bit of hush, please. Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14You sh-sh-sh-sh up yourself!
0:22:14 > 0:22:16I've made a dreadful mistake in my inspection.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- That's a shame. Mine went brilliant. - And mine went brilliant-ly.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Can we get back to me, please?
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- Then I went to the toilets. - What? Number ones or number twos?
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- What?!- It doesn't matter.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30No, I suppose ladies have to sit down for both, don't they?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- Sometimes I sit down to have a wee. - Sometimes I stand up to do a poo.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Can we just get back to me?!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Then I went into the toilets and I...
0:22:41 > 0:22:42accidentally...
0:22:44 > 0:22:46...bribed Ms Steele.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52- That's a career-ender. - Well, don't say that.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Well, I'm not saying it'll lead to a custodial sentence,
0:22:54 > 0:22:58but it's hard to imagine you ever teaching again.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Hey, hey. Don't worry, babes. When in trouble, reach for the Gunn.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07I'll have a little talk with her, if you like. You know what I mean?
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Oh, no, no. Please, don't, Trevor. You'll just make it worse.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Would you like me to talk to her?
0:23:11 > 0:23:15- Well, that's probably not quite as bad.- Thank you.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18But I would still rather that you didn't.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Please, don't either of you even think about doing anything.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26Oh, right. No, I get it, I get it. She doesn't want us to do anything.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- No, I don't want you to do anything. - No, got it.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36She don't want us to do anything...
0:23:36 > 0:23:38- if you know what I mean, Churchy? - Not really.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40She doesn't want us...
0:23:41 > 0:23:43..to get involved.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- BOTH:- Ah...
0:23:46 > 0:23:51To be clear, I really don't want you to do anything.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Yeah, reading you loud and clear, babes.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06- There she is. - Right, I'll handle this.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09When we get inside, I'll do all the talking, right?
0:24:09 > 0:24:10Right.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- Oi, Mrs!- Excuse me?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- My friend's got something to say to you.- Me?
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Oh, excuse us.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21I thought you said you were going to do the talking.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- Yeah, I started it. - Well, you finish it.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27- I will finish it. You do the middle bit.- What is it that you want?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Ah, well, um...good day to you, Ms Steele.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33My colleague and I would like to discuss
0:24:33 > 0:24:38the very delicate issue of Miss Postern's "behaviour".
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Go on.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Over to you.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Um...
0:24:45 > 0:24:50You know, um... You know the money that she offered you in the bogs?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Well, that...that was an accident, cos it dropped out of her hand,
0:24:53 > 0:24:55so we'll say no more about it, OK?
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Bribing an Ofsted inspector is an incredibly serious matter.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- No, yeah. No, of course, yeah.- Mm.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05- How much did she, um...? - £60.- Really?
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- What if we said 65? - You're just making this worse.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14COINS CLINK Yeah. Right.
0:25:14 > 0:25:1568?
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Right. I'm going to have to add all of this to the report.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19What are your names?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Er, I'm Mr Martin.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23And I'm Mrs Klebb.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32Well, I hope you had a lovely day here at Greybridge.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- Here's my report.- Ah.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38It makes for shocking reading.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43< "Complete disregard for the syllabus, use of foul language,
0:25:43 > 0:25:48"bribery, intimidation, assault, serious misuse of a urinal,
0:25:48 > 0:25:51"two teachers dressed as sperms...
0:25:53 > 0:25:57"Adequate number of bins." Well, that's something we can be proud of.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00I'm recommending the school be shut down immediately.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04< But what about the staff? They work so hard.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07And what do I tell all the children? They love this school.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I don't care what you tell them.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12If I had my way, the place would be burnt to the ground.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Well, thank you so much for popping by.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22Always lovely to have a visit from Ofsted. Let me show you out.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Goodbye, Ms Baron.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40- One last thing, Ms Steele. - What?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42You've forgotten to sign the report.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Oh! What's that in your bag?
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- What's what in my bag? - That!
0:26:52 > 0:26:53STAFF GASP
0:26:53 > 0:26:54I don't know.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58Ms Steele, drugs are strictly forbidden on school property.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00- I know that.- Then why bring this in?
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Listen, I have absolutely no idea how this got here.
0:27:03 > 0:27:04Ah, you see, memory loss.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06It's the main side effect of smoking doobie.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Mm, skunk-brain.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Ms Baron, if you think this changes anything...
0:27:11 > 0:27:13It changes everything.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Obviously, while you were writing this report,
0:27:16 > 0:27:18you were off your tits.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22- On da 'erb. - Thank you, Mr Church.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29And that is confiscated.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30- Mr Barber? - Headmistress?
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Please, escort our guests from the premises.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35MR BARBER: Come on. Let's be having you. Out.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Chop chop. Eyes to the floor.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Get out. Out!
0:27:47 > 0:27:50- Daphne.- Yes, Headmistress?
0:27:50 > 0:27:52I'm not to be disturbed.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00MUSIC: Is This Love by Bob Marley
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Bullying. Bull-y-ing.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Not a word we want to hear at this school.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17Stop saying it, then.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20This is something you call rap therapy?
0:28:20 > 0:28:21Yeah, rapathy.
0:28:21 > 0:28:22God help us.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25For the last time, I'm not making you Head of Science.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27- He's cold. - Blimey, he's snuffed it.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29- Where is his body? - I know just the place.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33- Is it all right to put him in there?- Yes.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35The binmen are coming tomorrow.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37# When I think about the days
0:28:37 > 0:28:40# There is something of a haze about it
0:28:43 > 0:28:46# No, we're not the same
0:28:46 > 0:28:50# But let's not break the chain
0:28:50 > 0:28:54# We should play this game together. #