0:00:36 > 0:00:40HE MOANS AND GROANS
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Father...I must speak. Eh?
0:00:43 > 0:00:47I cannot stay silent. All day long, you mutter to yourself,
0:00:47 > 0:00:49gibber, dribble,
0:00:49 > 0:00:53moan, and bash your head, yelling "I want to die!"
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Now, you may say I'm leaping to conclusions but...
0:00:57 > 0:01:01..you're not COMPLETELY happy, are you?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04..It's mother, isn't it?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07NO, IT'S NOT! You're brooding over her death!
0:01:07 > 0:01:12Kate, your mother is NOT DEAD! She's run off with uncle Henry.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Dear father, I know you say that to comfort me.
0:01:16 > 0:01:22Your mother is living happily in Droitwich! It's not HER I brood over.
0:01:22 > 0:01:29I'm sad because, my darling, our poverty is now so extreme that I can no longer afford to keep us,
0:01:29 > 0:01:36and must look to my own dear, tiny darling to sustain me in my frail dotage.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39But, father, surely... Yes, Kate...
0:01:39 > 0:01:42..I want you to become a prostitute.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46NEVER, Father! DO YOU DEFY ME?
0:01:46 > 0:01:51Indeed I do! It is better to die poor than to live in shame and ignominy.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52It isn't!
0:01:52 > 0:01:57I am young and strong and clever - my nose is pretty -
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I'll find some way to make a living.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03Oh, please, go on the game!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05It's a steady job...
0:02:05 > 0:02:08..and you'd be working from home.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Goodbye, father.
0:02:10 > 0:02:17I shall go to London, disguise myself as a boy and seek my fortune!
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Why walk to London when you can make a fortune lying on your back?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Oh - very good shot, my lord.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Thank you, Baldrick.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34- Sorry I'm late.- Oh, don't apologise. I'm sorry you're alive.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Ha, Ha!
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Ah good, I see the target's ready.
0:02:40 > 0:02:47- I'd like to see the Spaniard who could get past me!- Go to Spain, there are millions of them.
0:02:47 > 0:02:53- They'd better stay there - away from our women!- Oh, God! Who this time?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I don't know what you mean!
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Ooogh!
0:02:59 > 0:03:06- Ah! And who is Jane? - I am sworn to secrecy! Torture me, kill me - you shall never know!
0:03:06 > 0:03:07THUD
0:03:07 > 0:03:12- Ooogh! Jane Harrington. - Aah!- We are deeply in love.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- THE Jane Harrington?- YES!
0:03:14 > 0:03:18Jane "Bury me in a Y-shaped coffin" Harrington?
0:03:19 > 0:03:24I...I think, maybe there are TWO Jane Harringtons.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28- No. Tall, blonde, elegant...? - That's right.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32- ..Goes like a privy door in a plague?- My lord!
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Come on, get on with your shot.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37You'll get over her...
0:03:37 > 0:03:39- I- did.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49So did Baldrick.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Aaagh!
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Damn!
0:03:52 > 0:03:58- She has this thing about beards. - In that case, I'm going to shave.
0:04:04 > 0:04:12- Bad luck, Balders. - Not to worry, my lord, the arrow didn't enter my body.- Oh, good.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16By a thousand to one chance, my willy got in the way.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20How extraordinary!
0:04:20 > 0:04:24Yeah, I'd only just put it there, but now I will leave it there forever.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28Quite...it can be your lucky willy.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Yes, my lord. I'll show it to my grandchildren.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- Grandchildren may now be impossible. - Aaagh!
0:04:35 > 0:04:42Poor old pea-brain! Never catch me falling in love. That's sure as mustard.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- THREE SHARP KNOCKS - Come in!
0:04:46 > 0:04:50- Good day to you, Lord Blackadder! - And to you...
0:04:53 > 0:04:56..boy. What is it brings you here?
0:04:56 > 0:05:01I'm an honest lad, but POOR, and I must support my mad father.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05I have come to London to seek a servant's wage.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Unfortunately I have a servant.
0:05:08 > 0:05:13The word is...that your servant in the worst in London.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15That's true.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Baldrick - you're fired!
0:05:19 > 0:05:24- Well, young man, the job's yours. What do they call you?- Kate.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Isn't that a bit of a...GIRL's name?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Oh, it's um...short for...erm...
0:05:29 > 0:05:30..Bob.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- "Bob"? - Yes.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Well, Bob - welcome on board.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Sorry, Baldrick, why are you still here?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46I've got nowhere to go, my lord.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Oh, they'll let you starve to death in one of the Royal Parks.
0:05:50 > 0:05:56- I've served you since I was a baby. - Probably why I'm so sick of you.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00Couldn't I just stay and work for nothing?
0:06:00 > 0:06:04- Well, you'd have to live... - In the gutter?- Yes.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- And work a bit harder. - Yes, my lord.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Fine, bring Bob's stuff in and chuck yours out.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13God bless you, master!
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Now, Bob. Oh... Bob, this is Percy -
0:06:17 > 0:06:19a dimwit I can't shake off.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24Ha! Hello there, Bob! You young Roister Doister, you!
0:06:24 > 0:06:31You look a likely sort of lad for tricks and sports and all sorts of jolly, rosy-cheeked caperings, eh?
0:06:31 > 0:06:36Course you do - and more besides, I'll warrant, you young scamp!
0:06:36 > 0:06:41- Thank you for taking me in, my lord. - Oh, I look forward to having you...
0:06:41 > 0:06:47..er...having another man about the house instead of Baldrick...
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Excuse me, I'm going to the lavatory.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53How little he knows!
0:06:53 > 0:06:55And how much I would have him know!
0:06:55 > 0:07:00Bob, this calls for a celebration. How about a game of cup and ball,
0:07:00 > 0:07:03and a slap-up tea at Mrs Miggins' pie-shop?
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Get lost, creep!
0:07:06 > 0:07:11Ha, ha! I like you, young Bob! You've got BALLS!
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Nice try, Melchie, but it's no use. I'm still bored!
0:07:23 > 0:07:30I'm sorry, madam, your royal father liked my impersonation of Columbus.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Doesn't surprise me. He used to laugh at...
0:07:34 > 0:07:38- You know... Funny faces and bells. - Jesters, madam.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41No... Lepers!
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Where's Edmund, these days?
0:07:46 > 0:07:54- The whisper is that Lord Blackadder is spending all his time with a young boy in his service.- Oh...
0:07:54 > 0:07:59- Would he spend more time with me if- I- was a boy? - Surely not, madam.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03- You almost WERE a boy, cherry pip. - What?- Yeah!
0:08:03 > 0:08:10Out you popped and everybody shouted "It's a boy!". Then someone said "It hasn't got a winkle."
0:08:10 > 0:08:17And then I said "A boy without a winkle? God be praised, it's a miracle, a boy without a winkle!"
0:08:19 > 0:08:27And then, Sir Thomas More pointed out that a boy with no winkle is a girl. And everyone was really disappointed.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Very perceptive man, Sir Thomas More.
0:08:30 > 0:08:37Where IS Edmund? It's very odd for someone to spend all their time with a servant.
0:08:40 > 0:08:45ORCHESTRA PLAYS: "Greensleeves"
0:09:29 > 0:09:36Well, Bob. We're a couple of fine lads, aren't we? Let's get ratted and talk about girls, eh?
0:09:36 > 0:09:40We could sing some really dirty songs and...
0:09:40 > 0:09:45..Oh, God! I find you curiously pleasant company, young Bob.
0:09:45 > 0:09:50I am honoured and, myself, want only to be with you..."old man".
0:09:50 > 0:09:57Yes, well, absolutely, there's nothing more healthy and more normal than having a good...chum.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01What think you, my lord, of...love?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04You mean rumpy-pumpy?
0:10:04 > 0:10:10- What would you say, my lord, if I were to say..."I love you"? - Erm...
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Well...it depends on who you said it to.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18To a horse, I'd presume you were sick...um...
0:10:18 > 0:10:22To Baldrick, I'd presume you were blind and...
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- ..to me...- Yes, my lord...- Well...
0:10:25 > 0:10:32..Well, I'd assume we were having a big lads' joke about back-ticklers the way we healthy fellows do.
0:10:32 > 0:10:37Then a friendly wrestle and we'd slap each other's thighs
0:10:37 > 0:10:42and LAUGH at what it would be like if we really did...
0:10:42 > 0:10:45..fancy each other.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49In that case, my lord... I love you.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52LOUD LAUGHTER AND PLAYFUL GROWLS
0:11:01 > 0:11:02DOOR OPENS
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Don't worry, Bob - he used to try and kill ME, too.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13- Good to see you! What do you want? - Could I sleep on the roof, sir?
0:11:13 > 0:11:21- The bailiff says if I lie in the gutter I'll end up in the Thames with the other turds.- Certainly.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25Help yourself. I was just off to...to bed, anyway.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Um... Goodnight, Baldrick.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Goodnight...Bob.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Goodnight...my lord.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Yes...
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Oh, God...
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Now then, what seems to be the trouble?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Well... It's my manservant.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Well, don't be embarrassed.
0:11:48 > 0:11:55If you've got the pox, just pop your "manservant" on the table and we'll take a look.
0:11:55 > 0:12:01- No, no...it's my REAL manservant. - Aha? And what's wrong with him?
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Nothing, that's the problem.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08He's perfect and, last night, I almost kissed him.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12I see, you've started fancying boys, have you?
0:12:12 > 0:12:16- Not "boys", A BOY. - Let's not split hairs.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20- It's disgusting and you're worried. - Of course I am.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Naturally! It's not every day you discover
0:12:23 > 0:12:28you're a screaming bender with no more right to life than a weasel.
0:12:28 > 0:12:33- Ashamed?- Not really. - Bloody hell!- I- would be!
0:12:33 > 0:12:38Still, it leaves more rampant totty for us REAL men, eh?
0:12:38 > 0:12:43- Look, is this abuse extra? - No, all part of the service.
0:12:43 > 0:12:50I think you're in luck, though. I've an extraordinary new cure for just this kind of sordid problem.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55- Something involving leeches? - I'd no idea you were a medical man!
0:12:55 > 0:13:00Whatever I've had, you lot have used leeches. One on my ear for ear-ache,
0:13:00 > 0:13:04- on my bottom for constipation. - Marvellous!
0:13:04 > 0:13:07That one wasn't. I sat down and squashed it.
0:13:07 > 0:13:13- Leeches come to us on the highest authority.- Dr Hoffman of Stuttgart?
0:13:13 > 0:13:18- The great Hoffman.- Owner of Europe's largest leech-farm.- Yes.
0:13:18 > 0:13:24Well, I've no time for gossip. As far as this case is concerned,
0:13:24 > 0:13:29I've had time to think it over and I can strongly recommend a course...
0:13:29 > 0:13:35..of leeches. Just pop them down my codpiece before I go to bed!
0:13:35 > 0:13:39No, no, no! We're not in the Dark Ages.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Just dissolve four in your mouth every morning.
0:13:43 > 0:13:48In a fortnight, you'll be whipping your servant as normal.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50You're just an old quack.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Better than being a ducky. Good day!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Anything to follow, my lord?
0:13:56 > 0:14:00There's a lovely fat spider I found in the bath.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04I WAS saving it for myself, but if...
0:14:04 > 0:14:09Baldrick, I don't eat invertebrates for FUN! This is doctor's orders!
0:14:09 > 0:14:15I don't trust this new doctoring. Any problems, I go to the wise woman.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Well, I'm past trusting a deranged druid
0:14:18 > 0:14:23whose professional address is 1, Dunghill Mansions, Putney.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26HIDEOUS CACKLING
0:14:28 > 0:14:32Tell me, young crone, is this Putney?
0:14:32 > 0:14:38- That it be - that it be. - "Yes, it is", not "That it be"!
0:14:40 > 0:14:45You don't have to use that stupid voice to me - I'm not a tourist.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48I seek a wise woman.
0:14:48 > 0:14:53- Huuh?! Wise woman? The WISE woman? - Yes - the wise woman.
0:14:53 > 0:14:59- Two things, my lord, must ye know of the wise woman.- Yes?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01First, she is...
0:15:01 > 0:15:03..a WOMAN.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08And second... SHE IS...
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Wise?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- You DO know her, then!- NO!
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Just a wild stab in the dark -
0:15:15 > 0:15:20which is what you'll get if you don't start being more helpful.
0:15:20 > 0:15:25- Do you know where she lives? - Course!
0:15:25 > 0:15:26- Where?- Here.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- Do you have an appointment?- No.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Well, you can go in, anyway.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Thank you, crone. Here's a purse...
0:15:35 > 0:15:37..which I shan't give you.
0:15:45 > 0:15:50- Hail Edmund, lord of adders black! - Hello.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54Step no nearer, for I see your bloody purpose.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Thou plottest, Blackadder.
0:15:57 > 0:16:03 Thou wouldst be King and drown Middlesex in a butt of wine!
0:16:03 > 0:16:06SHE LAUGHS MANICALLY
0:16:07 > 0:16:12No, no, far worse than that. I'm in love with my manservant.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16- Oh, well, I'd sleep with him if I were you.- What?
0:16:16 > 0:16:20When I fancy people, I sleep with them.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24 I have to drug them first, of course -
0:16:24 > 0:16:27being so old and warty.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31- What about my position, my social life?- All right.
0:16:31 > 0:16:38Three other paths are open to you. Three cunning plans to cure thine ailment.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- Oh, good!- The first is simple...
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- KILL BOB!- Never!
0:16:44 > 0:16:49- Then try the second... KILL YOURSELF!- Mmm...and the third?
0:16:49 > 0:16:54The third is to ensure that no-one else EVER knows.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Ah, better! How?
0:16:56 > 0:17:01Kill everybody IN THE WHOLE WORLD!
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Ah...hah!
0:17:04 > 0:17:07BOB TRILLS "GREENSLEEVES"
0:17:07 > 0:17:12Now, look here, Bob. This is important. Listen carefully.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13Yes.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17Look, Bob. I've decided that you are to leave my services.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22My lord. My father will starve, and I'll have to become...
0:17:22 > 0:17:27..a male prostitute. Besides, I thought we were friends!
0:17:27 > 0:17:34But we are friends, Bob, of course, of course, of course......of course, of course, of course, of course!
0:17:34 > 0:17:42That's the reason I want you to leave my service... and become my live-in chum.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Oh, my lord!
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Now, I am not interested in what's in your tights!
0:17:51 > 0:17:59- You might be, my lord, if you knew what I kept in them.- Ha...I think I know, thank you very much.
0:17:59 > 0:18:06- But, my lord, I have a great secret. - What?!- Prepare to be...amazed!
0:18:07 > 0:18:13- Oh, no, a birthmark shaped like a banana?- No.
0:18:13 > 0:18:18- Or a tattoo, saying "Get it here"? - No.
0:18:18 > 0:18:23- Oh, God - one of those belly-buttons that sticks out!- No, my lord.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26What can it possibly be?
0:18:27 > 0:18:32Aah! ..Good lord!
0:18:34 > 0:18:36What was the "Bob" stuff about then?
0:18:36 > 0:18:44- Because you'd have used me and cast me aside as you have so many women before.- Ha! Would I?- Yes!
0:18:44 > 0:18:48But now you've grown to love what I really am.
0:18:48 > 0:18:54Yes, that's true. ..And now, I want to marry you...Bob.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55KATE.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Then come! Kiss me, Kate!
0:18:59 > 0:19:04Ah-hem. I bring grave news of your former favourite, Lord Blackadder.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Oh good!
0:19:06 > 0:19:10It appears he wishes to marry a girl called "Bob".
0:19:10 > 0:19:19- That's a very odd name for a girl, isn't it? Girls are normally called Elizabeth...or Mary.- And Donald.
0:19:19 > 0:19:26- Mouthy's open, nursie. Should be shut!- It's true! I had three sisters - Donald, Eric and Basil.
0:19:26 > 0:19:32- But your name's Nursie?- Not really. - Isn't it?- No.- What IS it, then?- Ah!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Bernard.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Suits you, actually.
0:19:38 > 0:19:45- Your majesty!- Hello, stranger! - I wish to wed. So I hear. Melchie - what do you think?
0:19:45 > 0:19:53- I am amazed that Blackadder could have eyes for any other woman than yourself.- Good point!
0:19:53 > 0:19:55But a bit grovelly!
0:19:55 > 0:20:00But when I fell in love, ma'am, I thought this "woman" was A BOY.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04Oh, well, that's perfectly acceptable then (!)
0:20:04 > 0:20:10- Oh, all right - go on and marry her. - Thank you, ma'am.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Just tell me ONE thing...
0:20:13 > 0:20:15..is her nose as pretty as mine?
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO, ma'am.
0:20:19 > 0:20:26Oh GOOD! Otherwise, I would have cut it off. And you'd have had to marry someone with no nose.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30- And you wouldn't like that! - No, ma'am.
0:20:30 > 0:20:36I mean, imagine the mess when she got a cold! Yukk!
0:20:36 > 0:20:40Well, quite, ma'am.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42All right - off you go then!
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Everyone seems to get married, except me!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51And me.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Oh, shut up, Bernard!
0:20:53 > 0:20:57You'll make a LOVELY bridesmaid, Baldrick.
0:20:58 > 0:21:04I have no girl-chums as we were so poor, we couldn't afford friends.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08Oddly fitting for US to have a MAN as maid of honour.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Thank you.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13"Man" in the broadest sense of the word.
0:21:13 > 0:21:21God created man in his own image. A sad day for Christianity if He was anything like you, Baldrick.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Ignore old Mr Grumpy!
0:21:26 > 0:21:28There you are, Balders.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33You look sweet as a little pie.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Kate - he looks like... a dungball in a dress!
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Oh, Edmund...
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Hello there!
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Edmund, you didn't say we had guests!
0:21:49 > 0:21:51And such a pretty one, too!
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Oh...God!
0:21:54 > 0:21:59Well, you're a little cuty to hide yourself away so long!
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Well, GORGEOUS, what's your name?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Baldrick!
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Baldrick... That's a pretty name.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14Edmund had a servant called Baldrick.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18But, away with such small talk.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22- Lady - a kiss!- What?!
0:22:23 > 0:22:28And so modest, too! Come on, you little tease. You know you want to.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32- Give us a kiss!- All right, if you say so.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49PERCY CHOKES
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Dear! What an original perfume!
0:22:54 > 0:22:59That IS our Baldrick. He's wearing a dress!
0:22:59 > 0:23:04- Bleeagh! Eugh! Eugh! Eugh! - Anyway...
0:23:04 > 0:23:06..what do you want?
0:23:06 > 0:23:14- BUTCH VOICE:- Well, there's been some discussion around court as to who's going to be your best man,
0:23:14 > 0:23:18and I thought now might be the moment to settle it.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22- Ah, yes, Percy. I would like YOU... - I'm so PROUD!
0:23:22 > 0:23:26I would like YOU to take this letter to Dover,
0:23:26 > 0:23:31where lies the ship of my fellow adventurer, Lord Flashheart.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33HE shall be my best man.
0:23:33 > 0:23:39Lord Flashheart? The best sword, the best shot, the best sailor...
0:23:39 > 0:23:42..and the best kisser in the kingdom.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46- Even he! To Dover at once. - Yes...
0:23:48 > 0:23:55- Actually, I was going to suggest Lord Flashheart for best man, myself.- Oh, really?
0:23:55 > 0:23:59WISTFUL VIOLIN REFRAIN
0:23:59 > 0:24:04PERCY EXPLODES IN SOBS
0:24:04 > 0:24:09- Edmund, I can't believe it's happening.- It is, my sweet.
0:24:09 > 0:24:14- Before we go in, I want you to meet my father.- Oh, fine!
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Excuse me, could you move along, please?
0:24:26 > 0:24:33I'm expecting my father-in-law. Last thing I want is some old tramp blocking the corridor.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36I AM your father-in-law.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41Oh, no! All right - how much do you want?
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Edmund, how could you? He's my father!
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Ten pounds.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- Father!- All right, there we go.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Edmund, you mustn't!
0:24:52 > 0:24:57Don't worry. Baldrick will beat him up and get it back. Come on.
0:24:59 > 0:25:06Ah, Edmund. Could we get on, do you think? I want to get squiffy and seduce someone.
0:25:06 > 0:25:13- Unfortunately my best man has not yet arrived.- Get another! - Well, I can't think WHO.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Ah-hem!
0:25:17 > 0:25:23- Sorry, Percy?- ..Nothing, my lord, just clearing my throat.- Good.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Don't want you coughing through the ceremony.
0:25:26 > 0:25:31Oh, come on, you must be able to think of another best man!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Well, I suppose I could ask Percy...
0:25:34 > 0:25:38- MY LORD!- Can you think of another best man?
0:25:40 > 0:25:46- Well, my lord, one name does spring to mind.- Yes, but Baldrick's a bridesmaid.
0:25:46 > 0:25:52Besides, I need a friend, an equal, an old and trusty companion.
0:25:52 > 0:25:57I think there is one person here like that.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Of course! Nursie!
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Fancy putting on hose and being my best man?
0:26:02 > 0:26:08- Edmund, you know perfectly well who Percy means.- Sorry... Melchett.
0:26:08 > 0:26:16- EEEK!- All right! Ashamed though I am and contradiction in terms though it is. Percy - you can be best man.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20OH, MY LORD! Noble coz! What an honour!
0:26:20 > 0:26:25- I brought a ring...- I really thought Flash would have come!
0:26:25 > 0:26:29LOUD CRASH, THEN A HORSE WHINNIES
0:26:29 > 0:26:31It's me!
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Flash by name. Flash by nature!
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Hooray! ALL: Hooray!
0:26:40 > 0:26:46- Where have you been? - Where HAVEN'T I been? WOOF! But I'm here now! And...
0:26:47 > 0:26:49WHO is THAT?
0:26:49 > 0:26:53- I don't know, but he's in your place.- Not for long!
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Hold that.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Thanks, bridesmaid! LIKE THE BEARD!
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Gives me something to HANG ON to!
0:27:10 > 0:27:15So, me ol' mate Eddy's getting hitched, eh?
0:27:15 > 0:27:20Can't you stand the pace of the "in" crowd?
0:27:20 > 0:27:25- Hi, queenie - you look sexy! WOOF!- WOOF!
0:27:25 > 0:27:29But wear your hair long. I prefer it that way!
0:27:29 > 0:27:31I've got such a crush on him!
0:27:31 > 0:27:33And Melchie!
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Still worshipping God? My lord...
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Apparently, he's now worshipping me!
0:27:40 > 0:27:43HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Woof! Nursie...
0:27:46 > 0:27:50I like it - firm and fruity!
0:27:50 > 0:27:55Am I pleased to see you, or did I just put a canoe in my pocket?
0:27:55 > 0:27:56Down, boy!
0:28:01 > 0:28:05And now, where's this amazing bird
0:28:05 > 0:28:12who's stopped my old pal Eddie doing exactly what he wants - ten times a night?
0:28:12 > 0:28:16Ah, yes...er...Flash... My...my fiancee, Kate.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Hi, baby!
0:28:18 > 0:28:23KATE WHIMPERS...
0:28:25 > 0:28:28..AND MOANS
0:28:32 > 0:28:38Ah! A tongue like an electric eel and a taste for a MAN's tonsils!
0:28:38 > 0:28:43He's a jerk, baby. Meet me on my horse in...eight seconds.
0:28:43 > 0:28:47I can't run in this. I prefer BOY's clothes.
0:28:47 > 0:28:51Weird! I always feel more comfy in a dress!
0:28:51 > 0:28:55I've got a plan. And it's as HOT as my PANTS!
0:28:55 > 0:29:01What a man, eh? Things'll liven up round here now he's back, eh, Fla...
0:29:01 > 0:29:03Flash?
0:29:03 > 0:29:07Bye, suckers! If you get bored with life, give me a call!
0:29:07 > 0:29:10Goodbye, Edmund! Hooray!
0:29:12 > 0:29:17It is customary, at such times, for the groom and bridesmaid to marry.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20Do you intend to honour this?
0:29:21 > 0:29:23I do.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28# So, Flashheart tweaked the Adder's beard,
0:29:28 > 0:29:32# From now, he always shall be single
0:29:32 > 0:29:35# To fall in love with boys is weird
0:29:35 > 0:29:39# Especially boys without a tingle
0:29:39 > 0:29:42# Blackadder, Blackadder
0:29:42 > 0:29:45# His taste is rather odd
0:29:45 > 0:29:49# Blackadder, Blackadder
0:29:49 > 0:29:52# A randy little sod
0:29:52 > 0:29:56# Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart
0:29:56 > 0:29:59# I wish you were the star
0:29:59 > 0:30:03# Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart
0:30:03 > 0:30:06# You're sexier by far! #
0:30:06 > 0:30:09Subtitles by Neville Watchurst - 1994 -