0:00:38 > 0:00:40Coming?
0:00:40 > 0:00:42No.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48It'll be a once-in-a-lifetime experience!
0:00:48 > 0:00:50No, it won't.
0:00:53 > 0:01:01- Everybody's going!- Don't exaggerate, Percy. I'M not going, Mrs Miggins from the pie shop isn't going...
0:01:01 > 0:01:03My lord, you ARE cruel!
0:01:03 > 0:01:07Mrs Miggins is bed-ridden from the nose down!
0:01:07 > 0:01:11She's honouring the occasion in her own way
0:01:11 > 0:01:16by baking a great commemorative pie in the shape of an enormous pie!
0:01:16 > 0:01:20- What an imagination that woman has! - CROWD CHEERS
0:01:20 > 0:01:23CROWD: Hurrah! Come on, Edmund!
0:01:23 > 0:01:31The greatest explorer of our age has come home! The streets are so gay women laughing, children singing!
0:01:31 > 0:01:36A man's being indecently assaulted by foreign sailors and he's smiling!
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Percy, the return of Sir Walter
0:01:39 > 0:01:44What-a-big-ship-I've-got Raleigh is of supreme indifference to me.
0:01:44 > 0:01:51If you're not careful, children will sing "sour puss and grumpy face" outside your window.
0:01:51 > 0:01:56- You wouldn't want that, would you? - I believe I could survive it.
0:01:56 > 0:02:04Will you get out before I cut off your head, scoop out the insides and give it to your mother as a vase.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06What a clot!
0:02:06 > 0:02:11The most absurdly dressed creature in Christendom....
0:02:16 > 0:02:22- ..with one exception.- My lord. - Baldrick, you look like a deer.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24You look a bit of a duckie yourself.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Oh, God! What do you want?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Might I have the afternoon off?
0:02:30 > 0:02:37Who do you think you are? Watt Tyler? You'll get an afternoon off when you die.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40I want to cheer brave Sir Walter home.
0:02:40 > 0:02:45It makes me feel proud to belong to the greatest kingdom in the world.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Doubtless many of the animal kingdom feel that way.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52CROWD: HURRAH!
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Will you shut up! Bloody explorers!
0:02:54 > 0:03:02Ponce off to mumbo-jumbo land, come back with a tropical disease, suntan and a bag of brown lumpy things
0:03:02 > 0:03:09- and everyone's got their picture in the lavatory! What about those who do all the work?- Servants?- No! Me!
0:03:09 > 0:03:12I mean, look at this! What is it?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15I'm surprised you've forgotten.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19- It's a rhetorical question! - Nah, it's a potato.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24To YOU it's a potato, to ME it's a potato...
0:03:24 > 0:03:26..but to Sir Walter Bloody Raleigh,
0:03:26 > 0:03:32it's country estates, carriages and as many girls as his tongue can cope with.
0:03:32 > 0:03:37He's making a fortune! People smoke them, build houses with them
0:03:37 > 0:03:40they'll be eating them next!
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- Stranger things happen...- Exactly.
0:03:43 > 0:03:48- ..that horse becoming Pope.- For one! - KNOCKING AT DOOR
0:03:48 > 0:03:53God! Probably some berk with a parrot on his shoulder
0:03:53 > 0:03:57selling gnomes of Sir Frances Drake and his Golden Behind.
0:03:57 > 0:04:03CHILD CHANTS: Sour puss, grumpy face, sour puss...
0:04:03 > 0:04:08..grumpy face, sour puss, grumpy face sour puss, grumpy face, sour puss...
0:04:08 > 0:04:10..Aargh! Mummy!
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Anyway, why aren't you at school?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Started talking to yourself, I see.
0:04:16 > 0:04:21It ensures intelligent conversation. What do you want?
0:04:21 > 0:04:27I'm on my way to the Palace to welcome Sir Walter. Would you care to come?
0:04:27 > 0:04:35Bluff seaman's talk about picking weevils out of biscuits and drinking urine is not my idea of fun.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37As you wish.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Servant, my hat.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- Potato?- Thanks, I don't.
0:04:43 > 0:04:48So you haven't succumbed to dressing like a Nottingham Forest allotment?
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- There you go, my lord.- Thank you.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54You have.
0:04:54 > 0:05:00It's probably just as well you're not coming. You're not very popular at Court...
0:05:00 > 0:05:03- I'll leave this for tomorrow.- But...
0:05:03 > 0:05:09No, no problem. Obviously the Queen and I will be the only ones sensibly dressed...
0:05:09 > 0:05:11KNOCKING
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Who is it?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- Melchett, my lady.- But stop!
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Close your eyes.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Now enter.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Ahoy, there,
0:05:25 > 0:05:27me shivering matey heave-ho!
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Open your eyes.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Thank you, Majesty.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38What's the matter?
0:05:38 > 0:05:44I beg your pardon. I wanted to greet the gallant sailor who hallooed me as I came in.
0:05:44 > 0:05:50- Ooh!- Perchance he has hauled anchor and sailed away.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52No! It was ME!
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Majesty!
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Surely not!
0:05:56 > 0:05:59You utter creep!
0:06:01 > 0:06:10So! Where's this barnacle-bottomed, haddock-flavoured bilge rat, Sir Rather-a-wally Raleigh, then?
0:06:10 > 0:06:14I hear he's about as exciting as one of his potatoes.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19Ha, ha! Blackadder's a frightful old lover, eh, Melchey?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21And undubitably no sea dog, ma'am,
0:06:21 > 0:06:26with a yo-ho-ho and, I might venture, a bottle of rum into the bargain.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30- WHISTLING - It's him!
0:06:30 > 0:06:37Do I look absolutely divine and regal and yet, at the same time, very pretty and rather accessible?
0:06:37 > 0:06:42You are every jolly jack tar's dream, Majesty.
0:06:42 > 0:06:47I thought as much. If he's REALLY gorgeous, I think I'll marry him.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Is that not a little rash?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52I don't think so!
0:06:52 > 0:06:56It wouldn't be your first little rash if it was!
0:06:57 > 0:07:01- WHISTLING - Ooh!- Majesty!
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Splice me timbers, Sir Walter!
0:07:05 > 0:07:09- It's bucko to see you, old matey! - I'm sorry?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- She says hello.- Oh!
0:07:13 > 0:07:19And well she might for I have brought her gifts and minions beyond her wildest dreams!
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Are you sure?
0:07:21 > 0:07:26I have some pretty wild dreams, you know. I'm not sure what they mean
0:07:26 > 0:07:31- there was this enormous tree and I was sitting on top of it...- Ma'am!
0:07:31 > 0:07:36- ..and then I dreamt once I was a sausage roll...- Majesty!
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Sorry!
0:07:38 > 0:07:42I'm SO excited, I don't know what I'm saying.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Come on, Sir Walter. I want to hear about absolutely everything!
0:07:46 > 0:07:52Then prepare to hear tales of terrible hardship, endurance and woe.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Ah!
0:07:55 > 0:07:59We set sail from Plymouth in the spring of 1552.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06You remember Lord Blackadder.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07No.
0:08:07 > 0:08:12But I can see he is the sort of pasty land-lubber I have always despised.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Well, quite! Don't crowd Sir Walter, Edmund!
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Twice I fought in hand-to-hand combat
0:08:20 > 0:08:23with a man with two heads and no body hair.
0:08:23 > 0:08:30I'll warrant the most exciting thing to happen to that limpid prawn in a whole year
0:08:30 > 0:08:35was the day the servant forgot to put sugar in his porridge.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36LAUGHTER
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Gosh, you've got nice legs!
0:08:40 > 0:08:45While I hold the six seas of the world in my hand,
0:08:45 > 0:08:49he couldn't even put six gob-stoppers in his mouth!
0:08:49 > 0:08:54- He's a complete no-hoper, isn't he, Walt?- He certainly is!
0:08:54 > 0:08:57UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER
0:08:58 > 0:09:01My bedroom's just upstairs, you know.
0:09:01 > 0:09:06I apprehended, Sir Walter, that there were only seven seas.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Only numerically speaking.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13We sailors do not count the sea around the Cape of Good Hope.
0:09:13 > 0:09:18It is called the Sea of Certain Death and no sailor has crossed it alive.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Well, what an extraordinary coincidence!
0:09:23 > 0:09:25What's an extraordinary coincidence?
0:09:25 > 0:09:30Just that I was planning a jaunt around the Cape of Good Hope myself.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33I'm leaving next Thursday, I think.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37- Really?- Yes, now that...sorry, I've forgotten your name...
0:09:37 > 0:09:43..has returned and the Court smells of fish, I've a mind to go today.
0:09:43 > 0:09:48- If you try that, you've no mind at all.- Or a mind that knows no fear.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Is that true? Do you know no fear?
0:09:50 > 0:09:55I do rather laugh in the face of fear, tweak the nose of terror.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59Gosh, I'd forgotten how dishy you are!
0:09:59 > 0:10:05You'd never dare! Round the Cape, the rain beats down so hard it makes your head bleed!
0:10:05 > 0:10:08So some sort of hat is in order.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15And drakes and dragons leap from the water and swallow ships whole!
0:10:15 > 0:10:19I must pack my large shrimping net.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Edmund, you're COMPLETELY wonderful!
0:10:22 > 0:10:26If you do this, I'll probably marry YOU.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Oh, yes? And who will be your captain?
0:10:35 > 0:10:40There's only one sea-farer with few enough marbles to try that journey.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Who's that?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Why, Rum, of course! Captain Redbeard Rum.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Well done! Just testing!
0:10:47 > 0:10:50And where would he be on a Tuesday?
0:10:50 > 0:10:55- He's usually up The Old Sea Dog. - Ah, and where is The Old Sea Dog?
0:10:55 > 0:10:59On Tuesday he's normally in bed with the captain.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr
0:11:06 > 0:11:11Arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr, me laddie!
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Harr-arr-arr-arr-arr, indeed!
0:11:14 > 0:11:17So, Rum, I wish to hire you and your ship.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- Can we shake on it?- Aarr!
0:11:20 > 0:11:22You have a woman's hand, milord!
0:11:23 > 0:11:28I wager these dainty pinkies never weighed anchor in a storm!
0:11:28 > 0:11:30- Well, you're right there.- Ha-ha-ha!
0:11:31 > 0:11:36You have a woman's skin, milord! I'll wager it ne'er felt
0:11:36 > 0:11:41the lash of the cat, been rubbed with salt and flayed off by a pirate chief
0:11:41 > 0:11:45to make fine stockings for his best cabin boy.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49How uncanny! How do you do it? You're right again!
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Why should I let you aboard me boat?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54 For the money in my purse.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59You have a woman's purse, milord!
0:11:59 > 0:12:04I'll wager that purse has never been used as a rowing boat!
0:12:04 > 0:12:09I'll wager it's never had 16 shipwrecked mariners tossing in it.
0:12:10 > 0:12:17Right again. I must say, when it comes to tales of courage, I'm going to have to keep my mouth shut.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20You have a woman's mouth, milord!
0:12:21 > 0:12:27I wager it never chewed through a ship's side to escape the spindly killer fish.
0:12:27 > 0:12:32I had no idea I would have to eat your ship as well as hire it.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Clearly you're as mad as a mongoose,
0:12:35 > 0:12:42- so I'll bid you farewell. - Damn courtiers. You're just lap-dogs to a slip of a girl.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- Better a lap-dog to a slip of a girl
0:12:45 > 0:12:47than a...git!
0:12:50 > 0:12:52So you DO have some spunk in you!
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Don't worry, laddie. I'll come! I'll come!
0:12:56 > 0:13:03Let us set sail! I'll fetch my first mate and return as fast as my legs will carry me.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Oh, you have a woman's legs, milord!
0:13:05 > 0:13:11I'll wager those legs have never been sliced clean off by a falling sail
0:13:11 > 0:13:15and swept into the sea before your very eyes.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19- Neither have yours. - That's where you're wrong!
0:13:20 > 0:13:28- God!- No point changing your mind. No-one else will come. It's suicide. What's the first mate's name?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30- Percy.- A nautical cove?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Yes... Well, he's a sort of...wet fish.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37I'm not coming! I'm just not coming!
0:13:37 > 0:13:42I mean, of course I'm very keen to go on the trip.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44It's just that, unfortunately...
0:13:44 > 0:13:49..I've got an appointment... to have my nostrils plucked...
0:13:49 > 0:13:51..next year.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54And I thought you were just a coward.
0:13:54 > 0:13:59Don't be ridiculous, Baldrick! You know me! I mean...
0:13:59 > 0:14:01..I laugh in the face of fear
0:14:01 > 0:14:04and tweak the nose...
0:14:04 > 0:14:06..of the spindly killer fish.
0:14:06 > 0:14:14I'm not one of your milksops who's scared out of his mind by the mere sight of water!
0:14:14 > 0:14:15Aargh!
0:14:15 > 0:14:19All right, I admit it! I admit it! I'm terrified!
0:14:21 > 0:14:24You see, Baldrick, when I was a baby...
0:14:24 > 0:14:27..I was savaged by a turbot.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33Can't you think of a plan to get me out of this?
0:14:33 > 0:14:37- You could hide, my lord. - Brilliant! Where?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Um...
0:14:44 > 0:14:46In the box!
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- Which one?- That one.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50Perfect!
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Let's practise.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Edmund comes in and says, "Have you seen Percy?"
0:14:58 > 0:15:00And you say...
0:15:00 > 0:15:02..No, I haven't seen him all day.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06DOOR SLAMS Oh, my God! Here he comes!
0:15:08 > 0:15:13Balders, where the hell's that cretin, Percy? Have you seen him?
0:15:22 > 0:15:25My lord, he's hiding in the box.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Come on, jelly brain!
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Hurry up or we'll miss the tide.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Edmund, I'm SO proud!
0:15:37 > 0:15:39You're just my complete hero!
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Oh, dear,
0:15:41 > 0:15:43I'm going all gooey now.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45I'm moved.
0:15:45 > 0:15:51If, during my journey, you'd sometimes spare me a thought and even go gooey again,
0:15:51 > 0:15:56I would deem my certain death a minor inconvenience.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Oh, Ned! I've written a poem.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Madam, I am honoured.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09'When the night is dark
0:16:09 > 0:16:11'And the dogs go...
0:16:11 > 0:16:12'..bark
0:16:12 > 0:16:15'When the clouds are black
0:16:15 > 0:16:17'And the ducks go...
0:16:17 > 0:16:18'..quack
0:16:18 > 0:16:22'When the sky is blue And the cows go...
0:16:22 > 0:16:24'..moo...
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Oh, yes!
0:16:26 > 0:16:31'Think of lovely Queenie She'll be thinking of you.'
0:16:31 > 0:16:32Bravo!
0:16:32 > 0:16:35It's called Edmund.
0:16:35 > 0:16:40Shakespeare helped with the title but the rest is all my own work.
0:16:40 > 0:16:45Tush and fie, my tiddly! You didn't always make such pretty speeches.
0:16:45 > 0:16:52- It's just a twinkling of a toe since you could say nothing but "Lizzie go plop, plop".- Nursie!
0:16:52 > 0:16:53Now,
0:16:53 > 0:16:58I'm sure that Melchey and, er, Wally want to say something as well.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Oh, yes, indeed!
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Goodbye, Blackadder.
0:17:06 > 0:17:11I won't say bon voyage because you'll be dead in three months.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15I love you, Walter. I hope you know that.
0:17:16 > 0:17:23Farewell. The foremost cartographers have prepared this map for you. It's the area you'll be traversing.
0:17:26 > 0:17:31They'd be grateful if you could just fill it in as you go along. Goodbye.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33< Arr-arr-arr
0:17:33 > 0:17:35What's that?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37To Tilbury, me hearties!
0:17:37 > 0:17:40The wind is in the sails,
0:17:40 > 0:17:42the oars are in the rollocks,
0:17:42 > 0:17:45and we must away!
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Lady, it is my captain long on beard, short on legs.
0:17:49 > 0:17:54Captain, I wish you luck from the bottom of my heart.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57You have a woman's bottom, my lady.
0:17:58 > 0:18:05I'll wager that sweet round pair of peachies has never been forced 'twixt two splintered planks
0:18:05 > 0:18:08to plug a leak and save a ship.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Certainly not! And I'm quite pleased about it!
0:18:11 > 0:18:16- Anyway, what's wrong with women's bottoms?- Not big enough, ma'am.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Mine might be!
0:18:20 > 0:18:24In that case, my little puddin' of delight,
0:18:24 > 0:18:26let's beat about the bush no longer!
0:18:26 > 0:18:32I'm a bluff old cove with no legs and a beard you can lose a badger in
0:18:32 > 0:18:37but take me and I'll be captain of your ship for ever. What d'ya say?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Ooh, ha-ha! Yes, please!
0:18:40 > 0:18:45I'll be back! We'll all be back! Arr-harr.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Edmund, this is it! Oh!
0:18:48 > 0:18:54You've got clean underwear? Don't eat foreign food and watch out for strange men.
0:18:54 > 0:19:00Discover me a country and bring me back a vegetable and...everything!
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Madam, I shall do all I can.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Farewell!
0:19:06 > 0:19:08And, er...
0:19:08 > 0:19:10..don't wait up.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Gosh!
0:19:14 > 0:19:16That's the last we'll see of him!
0:19:16 > 0:19:20In three months, he'll be dead as a dead dodo!
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Sir Walter! Really!
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Ho, ho, ho! Sir Walter REALLY!
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Harr-harr!
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Ha-harr!
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Ha-harr-harr-harr!
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Not joining us in the ha-harrs, Percy?
0:19:40 > 0:19:45No! I'm thinking of England and the girl I left behind me.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I didn't know you had a girl.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Oh, yes, Lady Caroline Fairfax.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Caroline! I didn't know you knew her!
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Oh, yes! I even touched her once.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Touched her what?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Her...once...in a corridor.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06I've never heard it called that before!
0:20:06 > 0:20:11When we get home you'll be a hero! You might get to touch her twice!
0:20:11 > 0:20:13I fear not!
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Why not?
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Because we'll never get home! We're doomed! Doomed!
0:20:19 > 0:20:24Condemned to a watery grave with a captain who's legless!
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Rubbish! I've hardly touched a drop!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29No, I mean you haven't got any legs.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32You're right there. Carry on. Sorry.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Oh, God!
0:20:36 > 0:20:39We've got no hope of ever returning!
0:20:39 > 0:20:46- We're certain to return.- What?! - Me old salts, we're not going to the Cape of Good Hope at all.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50- ALL: WHAT? - We are going to France!
0:20:50 > 0:20:52ALL: FRANCE?!
0:20:52 > 0:20:58But surely France has already been discovered...by the French.
0:20:58 > 0:21:06Precisely! We camp in the Dordogne, get a tan, come home, say we went to the Cape and get all the glory.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Hooray!
0:21:07 > 0:21:12A masterly plan, young master! It leads me to make an announcement.
0:21:12 > 0:21:17- What's that, Rum?- I don't know where the Cape of Good Hope is, anyway.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- What did you plan to do?- The usual
0:21:20 > 0:21:25sail round the Isle of Wight till everyone's dizzy and head for home.
0:21:25 > 0:21:30Rascal! Still, who cares? The day after tomorrow, we'll be in Calais.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34- Captain, set sail for France! - ALL: Hooray!
0:21:37 > 0:21:42So, you don't know the way to France either.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44No.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47I must confess that, too.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48Bugger!
0:21:53 > 0:21:57He's only been gone three days and I'm missing him already.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Perhaps, ma'am,
0:22:00 > 0:22:04I might amuse you still further with tales of my adventures.
0:22:04 > 0:22:12- Like what?- Would you like to hear about the mad pirate king whose crew consisted wholly of men called Roger?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Heard it.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Oh! Ah...
0:22:16 > 0:22:24..I could tell you the tale of the time I fell in the water and was almost eaten by a hammerhead shark.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Yes, all right. Try that one.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Well, ma'am...
0:22:31 > 0:22:36..I fell in the water and was almost eaten by a shark.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38And the funny thing is,
0:22:38 > 0:22:43it's head was exactly the same shape as a hammer!
0:22:43 > 0:22:46God! You'd better bring me some presents
0:22:46 > 0:22:53- before I go off explorers completely!- Ma'am... - And I'll tell you something else
0:22:53 > 0:22:57Edmund was right you DO smell of fish.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Pooey!
0:23:00 > 0:23:02ARGUMENTATIVE BABBLE
0:23:02 > 0:23:07Look, there's no need to panic. One of the crew will know how to steer.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11- The crew, milord?- Yes, the crew.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14What crew?
0:23:14 > 0:23:20I had the impression it was common maritime practice for a ship to have a crew.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Opinion is divided on the subject.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25- Oh, really?- Yes.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29All the other captains say it is, I say it isn't.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Oh, God! Mad as a brush!
0:23:35 > 0:23:40- Sir Walter's death warrant for your signature, Majesty.- Good.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Any news of Edmund?
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Well, madam, if they're on course...
0:23:45 > 0:23:50..they should be nearing the urine drinking stage by now.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54Don't be horrid. Edmund would rather die!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57I fear that's wishful thinking, Majesty.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01KNOCK AT DOOR
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Enter.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07So soon?
0:24:07 > 0:24:09You said today.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13I'm not feeling very thirsty at the moment, dammit!
0:24:13 > 0:24:17I had an eggcup of stagnant water three weeks ago.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- All right, let's get on with it.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Shall we drink each others or stick to our own?
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- Baldrick!- Sorry, my lord.
0:24:26 > 0:24:31Is Rum joining our bring-a-sample party or is he sitting this one out?
0:24:31 > 0:24:36Oh, he's been swigging his for ages he says he likes it.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Actually, he started before the water ran out.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Oh, God! Well, let's get on with it.
0:24:45 > 0:24:50It's always the same! You get all keyed up and then you can't go!
0:24:50 > 0:24:53I've done two bottles.
0:24:54 > 0:25:01- All right, pour it out. That it's come to this drinking Baldrick's water!- Say when.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02When.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Down the hatch!
0:25:08 > 0:25:12CAPTAIN RUM: Land A-hoy!
0:25:12 > 0:25:16- BUMP, CREAK - France, at last!
0:25:16 > 0:25:24Young master, through fair winds and fine seamanship, our vessel is once more on the shores of Old Blighty.
0:25:24 > 0:25:29ALL: Hurray! We've landed at Southampton Dock.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32ALL: Hurray! Fare thee well!
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Last one up The Dog gets a lick of the cat.
0:25:35 > 0:25:40- TROPICAL BIRD CAWS - Don't look much like Southampton!
0:25:40 > 0:25:45Well...streams of molten lava and a steaming mangrove swamp...
0:25:45 > 0:25:49- RHYTHMIC DRUMMING - ..and that crowd of natives
0:25:49 > 0:25:53- rubbing their tummies and pointing to a large pot.- Oh, God!
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Where are they now?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Well, if they haven't been eaten by cannibals,
0:26:06 > 0:26:09they should be back any minute.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Ma'am!
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Edmund, you're alive!
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Oh, yes!
0:26:14 > 0:26:18- And your silly friend! - Lord Percy, ma'am.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21- And your monkey!- Your Majesty.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25- But where is Captain Rum? - Bad news, milady.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Rum is dead.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Nya-aa-ow!
0:26:29 > 0:26:36Do not despair, good woman. He died a hero's death, giving his life that his friends might live.
0:26:36 > 0:26:41And so that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes.
0:26:41 > 0:26:49- They put him in the pot?- Yes, your fiance was only a third-rate sailor but a first-rate second course.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Nyaa-ow!
0:26:51 > 0:26:56However, we did manage to save something of him as a memento.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57Oh!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59My lucky stars!
0:26:59 > 0:27:03I shall wear it always to remind me of him!
0:27:05 > 0:27:07However, ma'am...
0:27:07 > 0:27:09..I am now returned
0:27:09 > 0:27:13and my mind cannot help remembering talk of wedding bells.
0:27:13 > 0:27:21No, I'm bored with explorers and if you haven't brought me any presents, I'll have you executed.
0:27:21 > 0:27:26I only let Raleigh off because he blubbed on his way to the block.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Presents, please!
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Um, yes, ma'am...yes.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Well, there was one thing, ma'am.
0:27:34 > 0:27:39- Good.- An extraordinary gift from an island paradise.- Hurry up!
0:27:44 > 0:27:47- What is it?- A stick.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Is it a stick, Lord Blackadder?
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Yes, but it's a very special stick
0:27:52 > 0:27:57because when you throw it away... it comes back!
0:27:58 > 0:28:05Well, that's no good, is it? When I throw things away I DON'T want them to come back!
0:28:05 > 0:28:06You!
0:28:06 > 0:28:09- Get rid of it!- Certainly, ma'am.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13What else have you brought?
0:28:13 > 0:28:21- There wasn't much time, what with picking weevils out of biscuits... - Where's that spare death warrant?
0:28:25 > 0:28:27It's wonderful!
0:28:27 > 0:28:33- But what about Melchey and Raleigh? Didn't you bring something for them? - Er...
0:28:33 > 0:28:38Nursie's got her beard, I've got my stick what about the two boys?
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Um...yes, yes!
0:28:42 > 0:28:45Well, er...there was...
0:28:45 > 0:28:48- ..there was one thing, ma'am...- Yes?
0:28:49 > 0:28:51..a fine wine from the Far East,
0:28:51 > 0:28:54a most delicious beverage.
0:28:54 > 0:28:58Have a taste, boys. Tell us what you think.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05It certainly has plenty of nose!
0:29:06 > 0:29:09Oh, yes, this is very familiar.
0:29:10 > 0:29:15I'm sure you'll be glad to hear there is an inexhaustible supply.
0:29:56 > 0:30:00Subtitles by Helen Rankin, 1994