0:00:41 > 0:00:44- KNOCKING - Go away!
0:00:44 > 0:00:47My lord, there is someone to see you.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51- Oh, God! What time is it? - Four o'clock.
0:00:51 > 0:00:57Baldrick, I said not to let me sleep all day. This woman charges by the hour!
0:00:57 > 0:01:01No, my lord, it's four in the morning.
0:01:01 > 0:01:06Someone wants to see me NOW? What is he? A giant lark?
0:01:06 > 0:01:10- No, he's a priest. - Tell him I'm Jewish!
0:01:10 > 0:01:16- Aren't you going to introduce me? - What?- Introduce me to your friend.
0:01:16 > 0:01:22Very well, but you're making a mistake. Baldrick, may I introduce...
0:01:22 > 0:01:25- ..sorry, your name was..?- Mollie!
0:01:25 > 0:01:30- Baldrick, this is Mollie, a dear friend of mine.- I'm not dear!
0:01:30 > 0:01:33I'm very reasonable, actually.
0:01:33 > 0:01:38- Others would charge an extra sixpence for what HE wants...- All right!
0:01:38 > 0:01:46This is Mollie, a cheap prostitute. Mollie, meet Baldrick, a pointless peasant! Now, may I sleep, please?
0:01:46 > 0:01:51- What about this priest?- Tell him to take his sacred backside away!
0:01:51 > 0:01:56If he begs here again, I'll report him to the Bishop of Bath and Wells
0:01:56 > 0:02:00who drowns babies at christenings and eats them!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Very good, my lord.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06Bye, Baldrick. Bye-bye, Mollie.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Get out!
0:02:11 > 0:02:13You're a one, aren't you?
0:02:13 > 0:02:21When you SHOULD whisper things like "Goodness, that's twice the size of the Royal Barge!" you don't speak,
0:02:21 > 0:02:26but with the Creature from the Black Latrine you don't stop!
0:02:26 > 0:02:29He treated me like a human being.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34If I wanted a lecture on the Rights of Man, I'd bed Martin Luther!
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Yes, Baldrick, what is it now?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43That priest still wants to see you.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47What did he say when you mentioned the baby-eating Bishop?
0:02:47 > 0:02:51He said, "I AM THE BABY-EATING BISHOP!"
0:02:51 > 0:02:52Good Lord!
0:02:52 > 0:02:57- You haven't any children, have you? - No. I'm not married.
0:02:57 > 0:03:02In that case, I'll skip breakfast and get down to business!
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- Do you know what day it is? - No, but...
0:03:05 > 0:03:11It is one year ago to the day that the Bank of the Black Monks of St Herod
0:03:11 > 0:03:14"Banking with a Smile and a Stab"
0:03:14 > 0:03:17of which I am the assistant manager
0:03:17 > 0:03:20lent you ONE THOUSAND POUNDS!
0:03:20 > 0:03:25Our motto is "Repayment...
0:03:25 > 0:03:28"..or REVENGE"!
0:03:28 > 0:03:35Naturally, I WOULD have paid you, but unfortunately and this is the real bugger I've lost my wallet!
0:03:35 > 0:03:40DIS-AS-TEROUS! It had all my addresses in it,
0:03:40 > 0:03:44all those notes saying "Forget Ye Not" and all my MONEY!
0:03:44 > 0:03:51That's no concern of mine. Not to repay a debt is a sin, and we Black Monks HATE SIN!
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Ah! Your Grace, may I introduce...
0:03:55 > 0:03:58..my mother! Mother, this is...
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Good morning, my dear!
0:04:01 > 0:04:06I hope you haven't forgotten OUR appointment?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Of course not, pumpie!
0:04:09 > 0:04:16I have a mind, my pretty, to play nuns and novices, so don't forget your wimple!
0:04:16 > 0:04:19As for YOU...you come with me!
0:04:19 > 0:04:25- Where?- To visit the LAST poor fool who...LOST HIS WALLET!
0:04:27 > 0:04:29RAVENS CAW
0:04:30 > 0:04:35"William Greaves, born 1513 in Chelmsford with the love of Christ,
0:04:35 > 0:04:39"died 1563 in...
0:04:39 > 0:04:42"..agony with a spike up his bottom!"
0:04:43 > 0:04:47'Tis ever and so with the Black Monks!
0:04:47 > 0:04:54Screamed did he and gurgled as they skewered his cat-flap for want of a farthing!
0:04:54 > 0:04:57I think you get my message.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Indeed, but let me just test the water.
0:05:00 > 0:05:06Suppose I was to say, "I'm a close friend of the Queen's
0:05:06 > 0:05:14"and she'd be very interested to hear about you and Mollie, so why don't we call it quits, eh, fatso?"
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I would say, firstly,
0:05:18 > 0:05:21the Queen would not believe you,
0:05:21 > 0:05:27and, secondly, that you'll REGRET CALLING ME FATSO LATER TODAY!
0:05:27 > 0:05:31I will have my money by Evensong, or...
0:05:31 > 0:05:33SLURPING BREATH
0:05:33 > 0:05:37..YOUR BOTTOM WILL WISH IT HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!
0:05:40 > 0:05:42SHUDDERS
0:05:42 > 0:05:48Poor Tom was a-cold! Pity poor Tom, for his nose was frozen!
0:05:48 > 0:05:52He doth shiver and is...MA-A-A-DD!
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Shut up!
0:05:54 > 0:05:59So, lads, I'm up a certain creek without a certain instrument.
0:05:59 > 0:06:04Either I raise £1,000 today or I get murdered. What shall I do?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06It's obvious.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09You'll have to get murdered.
0:06:09 > 0:06:17Oh, come now, Baldrick! A piffling thousand? Pay the fellow, Edmund, and damn his impudence!
0:06:17 > 0:06:21I haven't got £1,000, dung-head! I've got £85!
0:06:21 > 0:06:25But you told the Queen you are wealthy!
0:06:25 > 0:06:30A cunning web of deceit spun about the court to improve my standing.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33What? You mean you've been...
0:06:33 > 0:06:35..fibbing?!
0:06:35 > 0:06:40Yep. My whole life has been a tissue of whoppers.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42I'm one of England's finest liars.
0:06:42 > 0:06:48- Percy! A giant hummingbird is eating your cloak!- OH, NO!- See? I'm terrific!
0:06:51 > 0:06:54It seems to have gone now.
0:06:54 > 0:06:59- Couldn't you just dip into the family fortune?- There isn't one.
0:06:59 > 0:07:04My father blew it all on wine, women and amateur dramatics!
0:07:04 > 0:07:09At the end, he eked out a living doing impressions of Anne of Cleves!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Oh, Edmund, I AM sorry. I had no idea.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17But do not despair, for I have some small savings,
0:07:17 > 0:07:22harvested from my weekly allowance, set aside for my frail old age.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25It is just over a thousand, methinks.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29It is hid beyond the wit of any thief in an old sock...
0:07:29 > 0:07:34- ..under the squeaky floorboard... - ..behind the kitchen dresser.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37You've seen it?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Seen it, pinched it, spent it.
0:07:42 > 0:07:50- And the same goes for the two farthings Baldrick thinks he's got in that mouldy potato.- Bloody hell!
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Then...you are doomed.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Alas.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03For God's sake, let us sit upon the carpet...
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- ..and tell sad stories... - Certainly not!
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Lord Blackadder does not sit about!
0:08:10 > 0:08:14You won't be able to with a spike up your bottom!
0:08:14 > 0:08:21I've got £85 and that's a start. I'll think of something if I'm not disturbed.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24The Queen demands your immediate presence!
0:08:24 > 0:08:32Oh, damn! The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own satanic herd!
0:08:35 > 0:08:40- Madam, you sent for me?- Did I? I don't remember.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43What a naughty scatterbrain I am!
0:08:44 > 0:08:45SNAP!
0:08:50 > 0:08:56- Then, may I withdraw, ma'am? I have some tiny matters to attend to. - Certainly.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01PEALS OF LAUGHTER
0:09:05 > 0:09:10- That was a terrific joke, wasn't it? - Magnificent! Ever so naughty!
0:09:10 > 0:09:17- What, my lady?- I DO know why I wanted to see you. I just PRETENDED I didn't and I fooled you!
0:09:17 > 0:09:20It worked BRILLIANTLY, didn't it?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23It was terrific, madam.
0:09:23 > 0:09:29I thank God I wore my corset, because I think my sides have split.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35So, why DID you want to see me?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38To crack the lovely joke!
0:09:38 > 0:09:43Or don't you think the Queen's jokes funny enough to be troubled with?
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Au contraire. I am ecstatic about this.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52I only didn't laugh out loud because I was afraid my head would fall off.
0:09:52 > 0:09:58If you don't start soon... your head WILL fall off!
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Now pay Melchie his £85 and run along.
0:10:05 > 0:10:10- £85?- Yes. We had a bet. I said you wouldn't fall for my trick,
0:10:10 > 0:10:17and Melchie said you would because I'm so super and you're so stupid. You owe him £85.
0:10:17 > 0:10:22Oh, fine, fine. I mean, it's ONLY money, isn't it?!
0:10:23 > 0:10:28I cannot believe it! She drags me from Billingsgate to Richmond
0:10:28 > 0:10:35to play the weakest practical joke since Cardinal Wolsey got his knob out at Hampton Court
0:10:35 > 0:10:39and stood at the end of the passage pretending to be a door!
0:10:39 > 0:10:42GUFFAWS
0:10:42 > 0:10:46Shut up, Balders, YOU'D laugh at a Shakespeare comedy!
0:10:46 > 0:10:51- Edmund! I have awaited your return! - Thank God you did.
0:10:51 > 0:10:57I die in 12 hours, what I REALLY need is a hug from a complete PRAT (!)
0:10:58 > 0:11:03But fear not, for I have a plan to save the life of my dear friend!
0:11:03 > 0:11:09- I'm not interested in your friends, what about me?- Not bad, Edmund!
0:11:09 > 0:11:12All right, what's your plan, blockhead?
0:11:14 > 0:11:18I intend to discover this very afternoon...
0:11:18 > 0:11:21..the secret of ALCHEMY
0:11:21 > 0:11:27the hidden art of turning base things into GOLD!
0:11:27 > 0:11:34I see. The fact that this secret has eluded the most intelligent people doesn't dampen your spirits at all?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Oh, no, I like a challenge!
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Well, Balders, I lost the £85.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45The grave opens up before me like a...
0:11:45 > 0:11:47..big hole in the ground!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50I did have one idea, my lord, but...
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- ..no, it's stupid.- What is it?
0:11:54 > 0:11:59Well, I have heard there's good money to be made down at the docks...
0:12:00 > 0:12:03..doing favours for sailors.
0:12:07 > 0:12:13Favours? What do you mean? Delivering messages, sewing on buttons?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Not quite.
0:12:15 > 0:12:21- Baldrick?- My lord?- Are you suggesting that I become a RENT BOY?
0:12:21 > 0:12:26Well, good looking bloke, posh accent, nice legs, could make a bomb.
0:12:26 > 0:12:32- Just stick a pink carnation in your hat and make a sign.- I'd rather die!
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Fair enough. I'll make tea while we wait.
0:12:35 > 0:12:44On second thoughts, with a slight alteration, your sick and sordid plan might just work!
0:12:49 > 0:12:53Give me a kiss and I'll give you a penny.
0:12:53 > 0:12:58- A PENNY?!- All right, tuppence! - All right. Go on.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Nothing fancy, just a peck. I miss my mum, you see.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04When I was a kid, my mum...
0:13:04 > 0:13:09Get a move on! He's a prostitute, not an agony aunt!
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Just a peck on the cheek and say,
0:13:12 > 0:13:18"There, there, Arthur. Mummy'll kiss it better and you can have a story."
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Do you DO requests, Baldrick?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23What? Kinky stuff? Yeah, I'm game.
0:13:23 > 0:13:28Go on, PLEASE! I miss my mother SO much!
0:13:28 > 0:13:31She was like a mother to me!
0:13:31 > 0:13:33All right, go on.
0:13:37 > 0:13:42- I've forgotten what to say. - Get out of the way, I'LL do it!
0:13:42 > 0:13:47There, there, Arthur. Mummy kiss it better and you shall have a story.
0:13:47 > 0:13:52- What kind of a story?- I don't know. One about a squirrel, I suppose.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56- Then Squirry the Squirrel went... - Nip! Nip! Nip!
0:13:56 > 0:14:03- ..and they all went home for tea. - Thanks very much, me old shivering mateys, that was wonderful!
0:14:03 > 0:14:08Now, how much do you charge for a good hard shag?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17A thousand pounds!
0:14:17 > 0:14:23- A thousand pounds?! You've got to be joking! - Well, I'm sure we could negotiate.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Right, so we've got sixpence!
0:14:31 > 0:14:37Now, we need to go to the cock fight and put it on a bird that's a dead cert,
0:14:37 > 0:14:40but that has odds of 40,000 to one!
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Know you of such a bird?
0:14:42 > 0:14:43No.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47But we could MAKE one!
0:14:47 > 0:14:49No, we couldn't, Baldrick.
0:14:49 > 0:14:54Oh, God, I suppose you have to be told some time. Sit down.
0:14:54 > 0:15:01When a mummy and daddy bird love each other very much, they get certain urges...
0:15:01 > 0:15:07No, my lord, I mean, we could disguise a mad killer bull as a bird.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13It'll be such a strange looking bird that no-one will back it,
0:15:13 > 0:15:16but we will, 'cos we know it's a bull!
0:15:16 > 0:15:22- Only WE will know it's a bull?- Yes, if we hang an egg between its legs!
0:15:22 > 0:15:27All right, Baldrick. A chat with you and, somehow, death loses its sting!
0:15:27 > 0:15:35- The Queen demands your urgent presence.- You're not making any friends here, you know!
0:15:38 > 0:15:42- Madam, you sent for me again? - Yes, Edmund.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46I wanted to apologise for my silly trick.
0:15:46 > 0:15:51- It was naughty and bad of me. - It WAS, rosebud.
0:15:51 > 0:15:57If you weren't so big, Mr and Mrs Spank would pay a short trip to Botty-land!
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Thank you, Nursie.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02And thank YOU, Edmund.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- That's all?- Yes.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Thanks for coming.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12THEY ERUPT WITH LAUGHTER
0:16:17 > 0:16:21That was very funny, too, wasn't it?!
0:16:21 > 0:16:23My lady?
0:16:23 > 0:16:30Dragging you ALL the way across town just to say sorry for dragging you across town before!
0:16:30 > 0:16:35It was Melchett's idea. I think it's wonderful, don't you?
0:16:35 > 0:16:42It's fantastic. Melchett, I prostrate myself before the world's greatest comedian.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Oh, you are SUPER, Edmund!
0:16:45 > 0:16:50Oh, Edmund, I promised Lord Melchett I would play shove halfpenny,
0:16:50 > 0:16:56- have you got a halfpenny?- No, just a sixpence, ma'am, what a shame!
0:16:56 > 0:17:01- A sixpence will do just as well. - Oh, GOOD (!)
0:17:03 > 0:17:10God! This place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the 100 Years War!
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16My lord! Success!
0:17:16 > 0:17:17What?
0:17:17 > 0:17:25After literally an hour's ceaseless searching, I have succeeded in creating gold! PURE GOLD!
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- Are you sure?- Yes, my lord!
0:17:29 > 0:17:30BEHOLD!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Percy...it's green!
0:17:36 > 0:17:43- That's right.- I don't want to be pedantic or anything, but the colour of gold is gold!
0:17:43 > 0:17:50That's why it is CALLED gold. What you have discovered if it has a name is some...GREEN.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Oh, Edmund!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Can it be true...
0:17:58 > 0:18:05..that I hold here in my mortal hand a nugget of purest GREEN?!
0:18:06 > 0:18:11Indeed you do, Percy, except it's more a SPLAT than a nugget!
0:18:11 > 0:18:16Well, yes, a splat today, but TOMORROW who knows...
0:18:16 > 0:18:19..or dares to dream?!
0:18:19 > 0:18:25- So, we three alone in all the world can create the finest green at will? - Just so.
0:18:25 > 0:18:32- I'm not sure about counting Baldrick!- You know what your discovery means, Percy?- Maybe.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35That you, Percy, Lord Percy...
0:18:35 > 0:18:37..are an utter berk!
0:18:38 > 0:18:46- Baldrick, pack my bags. I'm going to sell the house.- What?!- What? - I shall miss the old place, I know.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48I've had some happy times here
0:18:48 > 0:18:51when you and Percy have been out!
0:18:51 > 0:18:56But needs must when the Devil vomits into your kettle!
0:18:56 > 0:19:01Baldrick, go forth into the street and let it be known I want to sell.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Percy...
0:19:03 > 0:19:05..just go forth into the street!
0:19:05 > 0:19:08This is the den.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09Ooh, dear!
0:19:09 > 0:19:16I must say, Mr Pants, I've had an encouraging nibble from another client
0:19:16 > 0:19:21and you know I'm not the sort of man to ignore a nibble for long!
0:19:21 > 0:19:25There's dry rot in the bedrooms, Timothy.
0:19:25 > 0:19:30Well, dry rot is as dry rot does. Stop me if I get too technical.
0:19:30 > 0:19:35- The floors are a little uneven! - Yes, madam, and at no extra cost!
0:19:35 > 0:19:40- Strange smell! - That's the servant. He'll be gone.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43You've really worked out your banter!
0:19:43 > 0:19:48Not really. This is spontaneous and it's called wit!
0:19:48 > 0:19:53- What about the privies?- When the architect was looking into sewage,
0:19:53 > 0:20:00he said to himself, "Romeo" for 'twas his name "Romeo, let's make them functional and comfortable!"
0:20:00 > 0:20:05- That seems nice, dun't it? - We understand each other.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09- Drink? - But what about the privies?!
0:20:09 > 0:20:14Well, what we are talking about in privy terms,
0:20:14 > 0:20:22is the latest in front-wall, open-air orifices combined with a wide-capacity gutter installation!
0:20:22 > 0:20:26You mean you crap out of a window!
0:20:29 > 0:20:30YES!
0:20:30 > 0:20:35Well, in that case, we'll definitely take it!
0:20:35 > 0:20:39I can't stand those dirty indoor things!
0:20:41 > 0:20:44There. That's the lot.
0:20:44 > 0:20:50- He only wanted to pay £1,000. I beat him up to £1,100! - You wily trickster!
0:20:50 > 0:20:54I just named the price. Baldrick beat him up.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Percy, WHAT is on the front of your tunic?
0:21:01 > 0:21:07It is a brooch, my lord. A brooch cunningly fashioned from pure green!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10It looks like you've sneezed!
0:21:10 > 0:21:15It is with trinkets such as this brooch, and here, a ring,
0:21:15 > 0:21:21that I intend to revive your fortunes and buy back your house!
0:21:21 > 0:21:26- Is there a big market for jewelry that looks like snot, then?- My lord!
0:21:26 > 0:21:32The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since gone!
0:21:32 > 0:21:38- My lord... - Ah, messenger! We couldn't have waited another second without you!
0:21:40 > 0:21:45- Your Majesty?!- Thank God you've arrived! Terrible news!- What?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48The French intend to invade.
0:21:48 > 0:21:49My God!
0:21:49 > 0:21:52So I need some money.
0:21:52 > 0:21:59- Every nobleman must pay £500 towards the navy's upkeep.- But we've decided to make you a special case.
0:21:59 > 0:22:06- Thank you!- Melchie hasn't got a bean, so, as you're SO wealthy, you can pay for both!
0:22:06 > 0:22:12- It'd be awfully sweet of you.- Sorry, madam, I haven't any money on me!
0:22:12 > 0:22:16- Edmund...- Sorry... - What's that in your tights?
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Oh. Good Lord!
0:22:20 > 0:22:23It looks like just over £1,000.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25So it is.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28But you said you didn't have any!
0:22:28 > 0:22:35I thought you meant REAL money! This is just loose change. I must've left it in my cod-piece in the wash!
0:22:35 > 0:22:40Gosh! £1,000 just loose in your tights? That IS flash!
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Hand it over. Thanks. Bye.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Right.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Well, goodbye indeed.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Goodbye, ma'am. Goodbye, Melchett.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Goodbye, Nursie.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Bye-ee!
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Oh, SILLY old Edmund!
0:23:15 > 0:23:22- He was completely fooled! It was a BRILLIANT joke, Melchett! - Brilliant, ma'am!
0:23:22 > 0:23:25And now I'm going to have you executed.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27M-M-Majesty?
0:23:27 > 0:23:34It's for taking the mickey out of my beloved Edmund so cruelly. I'm going to knock your block off!
0:23:34 > 0:23:40But Majesty, I only acted to please! PLEASE! I SO WANT TO LIVE!
0:23:51 > 0:23:56Oh, praise the Lord for the gift of laughter (!)
0:23:57 > 0:24:03- I've lost the money. I have to run away.- Why?- To avoid these monks!
0:24:03 > 0:24:09- There's no point. The Black Bank has branches everywhere.- Oh, damn!
0:24:12 > 0:24:19- If I die, will people remember me? - Yes, of course they will. - I suppose so.
0:24:19 > 0:24:26Yeah, people will always be laughing and saying, "Do you remember old Privy Breath?"
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Do people call me Privy Breath?!
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Yeah. The ones who like you.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Am I then not popular?
0:24:35 > 0:24:42Well, when people slip in what dogs have left in the street, they do say, "Oops, I've trod in an Edmund!"
0:24:43 > 0:24:48- BLOODY CHEEK! I'LL show them! - Have you got a plan, my lord?- Yes!
0:24:48 > 0:24:53It's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it!
0:24:53 > 0:24:58I need feathers, a dress, oil, an easel, a sleeping draught,
0:24:58 > 0:25:03- paper, a prostitute and a good portrait painter!- I'll get them now!
0:25:05 > 0:25:12My lord, the most famous portrait painter in England Mr Leonardo Acropolis!
0:25:12 > 0:25:19- Are you any good? - No! I am a GEY-NIUS! - You'd better be, or you're dead!
0:25:20 > 0:25:25- KNOCKING - Right. In the bedroom, beard-face! Baldrick, get the door.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39My lord, the Bishop of Bath and Wells!
0:25:41 > 0:25:45- The time has come, Blackadder! - Hello, Bish.
0:25:45 > 0:25:50- The Black Monks will have their money, or- I- will have my fun!
0:25:50 > 0:25:55- You enjoy your work, don't you? - Bits of it, yes.- The violent bits?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Yes. You see...
0:25:57 > 0:26:00..I am a colossal pervert!
0:26:01 > 0:26:06No form of sexual depravity is too low for me.
0:26:06 > 0:26:13- Animal, vegetable or mineral I'll do anything to anything! - Fine words for a bishop.
0:26:13 > 0:26:18Nice to hear the Church speaking out for a change on social issues!
0:26:18 > 0:26:23- Have you got the money?- Nope. - Good! I hate it when people pay up!
0:26:23 > 0:26:29- Say your prayers, Blackadder! It's POKER TIME!- Fine.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Aren't you concerned you'll be found out?
0:26:32 > 0:26:36No. I kill, I maim, I fornicate,
0:26:36 > 0:26:43but as far as my flock are concerned, my only VICE is a tipple before Evensong. Oh, thank you.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49BEND OVER, BLACKADDER!
0:26:49 > 0:26:54This is where you get your...AARGH! DRUGGED...
0:26:54 > 0:26:55..BY GOD!
0:26:55 > 0:26:59By Baldrick, actually, but the same effect.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Wakey-wakey, Bish.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04You clerics really are slug-a-beds!
0:27:04 > 0:27:09- Where am I? Oh, I remember drugged!- That's right.
0:27:09 > 0:27:14You should have killed me while you had the chance!
0:27:14 > 0:27:18You have looked in wonder at your last dawn!
0:27:18 > 0:27:23I doubt it. I did wonder, though, what people who saw THIS might say!
0:27:23 > 0:27:29- What creatures from hell are those?! - They make an interesting couple, eh?
0:27:29 > 0:27:34You'll probably recognise this huge, sweating, mound of blubber here!
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Eh, fatso?!
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Uh, uh, uh.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43There's no point anyway. We have the preliminary sketches!
0:27:43 > 0:27:48A copy for the Queen, one for the Archbishop,
0:27:48 > 0:27:55- a couple set aside to form the basis of an exhibition of young artists' work.- How did you get me to do THAT?
0:27:55 > 0:27:59It's beautifully framed, don't you think?
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Ironic, really, because so are you!
0:28:02 > 0:28:08You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded peversity!
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Have you considered a career in the Church?
0:28:11 > 0:28:14I couldn't get used to the underwear.
0:28:14 > 0:28:22But I COULD use £1,000 to buy back my house, £4,000 for expenses, ten shillings for the two doors
0:28:22 > 0:28:27and thruppence for a celebratory binge at Mrs Miggins' Pie Shoppe!
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Yes, yes.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32But first, one question.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Who is the second figure?
0:28:34 > 0:28:39Who could you have got to perform such deeds?
0:28:39 > 0:28:45Who has plunged such depths of degradation just to save YOUR filthy life?!
0:28:50 > 0:28:55Ah, Percy. May I introduce His Grace, the Bishop of Bath and Wells.
0:28:55 > 0:29:00Your Grace, Lord Percy Percy, heir to the Duchy of Northumberland.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Hello.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07It was...lovely working with you!
0:29:09 > 0:29:13# Take heed the moral of this tale
0:29:13 > 0:29:16# Be not a borrower or lender.
0:29:16 > 0:29:20# And if your finances do fail,
0:29:20 > 0:29:24# Make sure your banker's not a bender!
0:29:24 > 0:29:27# Blackadder, Blackadder!
0:29:27 > 0:29:30# He trusted in the Church.
0:29:30 > 0:29:34# Blackadder, Blackadder!
0:29:34 > 0:29:37# It left him in the lurch.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41# Blackadder, Blackadder!
0:29:41 > 0:29:44# His life was almost done.
0:29:44 > 0:29:49# Blackadder, Blackadder! Who gives a toss? No-one! #
0:29:49 > 0:29:53Subtitles by Sharon Backer, 1994