0:00:38 > 0:00:43I say, Edmund, it was jolly nice of you to let me share your breakfast.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48It is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out intelligent company
0:00:48 > 0:00:53and through learned discourse, he rises above the savage, nearer God.
0:00:53 > 0:01:00- Yes, I heard that. - I- start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Beshrew me! You're in good fooling today!
0:01:03 > 0:01:09- Only stupid actors say "Beshrew me"! - Oh, I'd love to be an actor.
0:01:09 > 0:01:17- I was a talented actor in my youth - "the man of a thousand faces". - So, why d'you choose that ugly mug?
0:01:17 > 0:01:21- Ha! Tush, my lord! - Don't say "tush", either.
0:01:21 > 0:01:27Next you'll say "Hey nonny nonny" and I'll have to call the police.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Well! God pats me on the head and says, "Good boy."!
0:01:30 > 0:01:38My aunt and uncle, the two most fanatical puritans in England, are coming to dinner tonight.
0:01:38 > 0:01:43- Aren't they frightful bores? - Yep. With one redeeming feature.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Their wallets.
0:01:45 > 0:01:53More capacious than an elephant's scrotum and just as difficult to get your hands on! Until now!
0:01:53 > 0:01:56They wish to discuss my inheritance.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00- Hey nonny nonny! Good news! - BALDRICK!
0:02:04 > 0:02:09- Why is there a piece of cheese on the end of your nose?- To catch mice.
0:02:09 > 0:02:14I lie on the floor with my mouth open and hope they scurry in.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- And do they?- Not yet, my lord.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Well, your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25You'll only catch a mouse without a nose.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Pity! The nose is the best bit on a mouse.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32A luxury compared to what I'll eat tonight.
0:02:32 > 0:02:38Percy and I are entertaining puritan vegetable folk, and that means... no meat!
0:02:38 > 0:02:42- Then I'll make my turnip surprise. - Surprise?
0:02:42 > 0:02:45There's nothing in it but turnip.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49In other words, turnip surprise is...a turnip.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Oh, yeah.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56- KNOCKING - Get the door, Baldrick.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00If things go well tonight it seems congratulations are in order.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Nice try, but you won't get a penny.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05LOUD CRASH
0:03:10 > 0:03:16Baldrick, your imminent explanation had better be phenomenally good.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18You said, "Get the door".
0:03:18 > 0:03:24- No good. You're fired.- But I've been in your family since 1532!
0:03:24 > 0:03:28- So has syphilis. Now get out! - Very well.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31By the way, a messenger was outside.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35He says the Queen wants to see you. Lord Melchett is very sick.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- Really?!- Yeah. He's at death's door.
0:03:38 > 0:03:45Well, my loyal old reinstated family retainer. Let's open it for him, then!
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Edmund! Quick!
0:03:49 > 0:03:55- He's dying! We must do something! - Of course. Some sort of celebration.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57But let's wait till he's snuffed it.
0:03:57 > 0:04:02- Nursie's old methods aren't working. - Come on, little tummy.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05MELCHETT GROANS
0:04:05 > 0:04:12I was tucked into bed last night at two o'clock having a scrummy dream about ponies when I was woken
0:04:12 > 0:04:15by a terrific banging from Melchett.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Well! I never knew he had it in him!
0:04:18 > 0:04:25But it's true. He was banging on the castle gates, falling over and singing a strange song
0:04:25 > 0:04:30- about a girl with a dicky dido?! - Oh, yes.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34It's a lovely old hymn, isn't it? Well, Ma'am...
0:04:34 > 0:04:40- ..I know what's wrong with Melchett and, unfortunately, it isn't fatal. - Well, cure him!
0:04:40 > 0:04:43I'm fed up with his groaning.
0:04:43 > 0:04:50And letting off such great, flabby woof-woofs! I can scarcely... I can't believe my tiny noseling!
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Truth is... Melchett just can't take his ale.
0:04:54 > 0:05:00I protest! What I drank last night would have floored a rhinoceros.
0:05:00 > 0:05:05- If it was allergic to lemonade. - It's Blackadder can't take his ale.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10- Oh, yeah?!- Yeah!- Yeah?- Yeah! - Nursie, the boys are getting tough!
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Remember the shame of the King of Austria's visit
0:05:14 > 0:05:19when Blackadder was found naked at Hampton Court, singing...
0:05:19 > 0:05:21.."I'm Merlin the happy pig"!
0:05:21 > 0:05:27- What did you have? A half pint of potato juice?- On the contrary.
0:05:27 > 0:05:34Two flagons of claret and curried turtle. It's no holds barred at the annual communion wine-tasting!
0:05:34 > 0:05:41- For me and the wild boys EVERY night is drinkey night. - Says who?- Says me!- You?- Yeah!
0:05:41 > 0:05:47- You wanna come around and see the underside of MY table!- Yes, tonight!
0:05:47 > 0:05:50- Tonight?- Yeah. Scared?
0:05:50 > 0:05:56- Perhaps he's a wet and a weed. - All right, then. Tonight! I'll be there.- Hooray!
0:05:56 > 0:05:59And last one under the table gets...
0:05:59 > 0:06:03..ten thousand florins from the loser.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04Ma'am?!
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Right, I'll get the beer in.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Nursie...
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- Do you know what I'm going to do? - What?
0:06:18 > 0:06:24- I'm going to find out what happens at these boys' nights.- Good, poppet.
0:06:24 > 0:06:31- I'll wear a cloak with a cowl so no-one will recognise me. - Another good idea!
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Ha! You're so clever today your foot might fall off.
0:06:39 > 0:06:44- Does that happen when you have lots of brilliant ideas?- Certainly does.
0:06:44 > 0:06:49My brother had the idea of cutting his toenails with a scythe.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51His foot fell off!
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Right. We need a drunken lout
0:06:55 > 0:07:02with the intelligence of a four-year-old and the sexual sophistication of a donkey.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Cardinal Wolsey!
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- BALDRICK!- My lord?
0:07:13 > 0:07:19- Why?- The all-mouse diet got boring. Thought I'd try a cat for variety.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Good. Now, returning to the real world...
0:07:23 > 0:07:28- Do you have a knife?- Yeah.- Good. I wish to send some invitations.
0:07:28 > 0:07:34To make them look tough, I'm writing in blood...YOUR blood to be exact.
0:07:34 > 0:07:40- How much blood will you actually require?- Not much. A small puddle.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Will you want me to cut anything off? An arm? A leg?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47God, no! A little prick will do.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Very well. I am your bondsman and must obey.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59God, no! A little prick on your finger!
0:07:59 > 0:08:01I haven't got one there!
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- Forget it!- Thank you, my lord.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08- Right, Perce. How's the list going? - Very well indeed.
0:08:08 > 0:08:13- What about my girlfriend, Gwendolyn? - Sorry, no chicks! Who else?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16That's as far as I got, actually.
0:08:16 > 0:08:21- Right. Copy! First, Simon Partridge. - Not Farters Parters?!
0:08:21 > 0:08:27- Also known as Mister Ostrich! - Even he!- But he's a fearful oik!
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Takes one to know one.
0:08:29 > 0:08:35- Second, Sir Piddle.- Not "Here's to Cardinal Chunder" Piddle?!- The same.
0:08:35 > 0:08:40Thirdly, Freddie Frobisher, the flatulent hermit of Lindisfarne.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Oh, pong, pong!
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- That should do the trick. - Your aunt and uncle are coming, too!
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Oh, yes!... Oh, no!
0:08:51 > 0:08:56It does look a teeny bit like trying to get out of it.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Quite the wrong impression, Ma'am! Just not tonight!
0:08:59 > 0:09:03- Certainly not! - I beg your pardon?
0:09:03 > 0:09:08Well, next thing he'll want to get out of having his bath altogether!
0:09:09 > 0:09:16- Not baths, Nursie! - Why not! How else can he keep clean? Soon he won't want his nappy changed!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Blackadder doesn't wear a nappy.
0:09:21 > 0:09:26- Then it's even more important that he has a bath!- Shut up, Nursie!
0:09:26 > 0:09:31I know why you're getting out of it. I remember the last party you had.
0:09:31 > 0:09:36I found you in a puddle, in a pointy hat, singing a song about goblins.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39All right. Tonight it is!
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Oh, Edmund, I do love it when you get cross.
0:09:42 > 0:09:47I'd love to have you executed, just to see the look on your face.
0:09:50 > 0:09:57- We've got two parties here tonight that must be kept totally separate. - Right!- Right!
0:09:57 > 0:10:05One, a total piss-up involving beer-throwing, breakages and wall-to-wall vomit, to be held here,
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- in Baldrick's bedroom. - Thank you, my lord!
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Percy will join me in here
0:10:11 > 0:10:14for the gourmet turnip evening.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17- Is the turnip surprise ready?- Yes...
0:10:17 > 0:10:20THEY SNIGGER
0:10:20 > 0:10:22What's so funny?
0:10:22 > 0:10:27Well, when Baldrick and I were preparing the turnip surprise...
0:10:27 > 0:10:33..we had a surprise...we found a turnip that had exactly the shape...
0:10:35 > 0:10:37..of a thingy!
0:10:43 > 0:10:45A thingy?
0:10:45 > 0:10:50- Mmm...mmm...- A great big thingy! It was terrific.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Size is no guarantee of quality.
0:10:53 > 0:11:00Most horses are well-endowed but aren't necessarily sensitive lovers. I trust you've removed this item.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- Yes, my lord.- Good.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Nothing stops an inheritance like a thingy-shaped turnip.
0:11:06 > 0:11:13- Absolutely! But it was jolly funny! - Yes, yes! - I found it particularly ironic
0:11:13 > 0:11:18as I have a thingy that's shaped like a turnip!
0:11:18 > 0:11:26- I'm a great hit at parties.- Are you? - I hide in the vegetable rack and frighten the children.
0:11:26 > 0:11:34What fun (!) Perhaps you forgot that I've a drinking contest here tonight with ten thousand florins at stake.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- Oh dear!- What?
0:11:36 > 0:11:45First, you haven't got ten thousand. And third, one drop of ale and you fall over, singing about the goblin.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49Nonsense! But just in case it is true...
0:11:49 > 0:11:51- It is true actually.- All right.
0:11:51 > 0:11:58Now, when I call for my incredibly strong ale, you must pass me water in an ale bottle.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01When you call for ale, I pass water.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Percy, you must stay here and suck up to my aunt.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Trust me. I can handle a woman.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Oh, God!
0:12:11 > 0:12:15- KNOCKING - Right, here goes.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19Yes, all right.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27Uncle! Aunt! Greetings! How nice it is to see you!
0:12:29 > 0:12:34Wicked child! Don't lie! Everyone hates us and you know it.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Yes... May I introduce my friend, Lord Percy.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Well, well, Eddie. Such a good-looking aunt!
0:12:43 > 0:12:50Good morrow to thee, gorgeousness. I know what I like and I like what I see.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Be gone, Satan!
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Well...a pleasant inheritance?
0:12:56 > 0:13:01Inheritance?! I meant "journey". Help yourself...
0:13:01 > 0:13:03..to a legacy. Er...to a chair!
0:13:03 > 0:13:07- Chair! You have chairs in the house?! - Yes!
0:13:07 > 0:13:12Wicked child! Chairs are an invention of Satan!
0:13:12 > 0:13:16In our house, Nathaniel sits on a spike!
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- And yourself?- I sit on Nathaniel.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- Two spikes would be an extravagance! - Quite.
0:13:22 > 0:13:30I will suffer comfort this once. We'll just stick forks in our legs between courses.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I trust you remember we eat no meat!
0:13:33 > 0:13:38Heaven forbid! Here we feast only on God's lovely turnip...mashed!
0:13:38 > 0:13:43- Mashed?!- Yes.- Wicked child! Mashing is the work of Beelzebub!
0:13:43 > 0:13:51- For Satan saw God's blessed turnip and he envied it and mashed it to spoil its sacred shape.- Ah!
0:13:51 > 0:13:54I shall have my turnip as God intended.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Fine. Baldrick!
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- We've only got the one...- Just do it.
0:14:05 > 0:14:10Uncle, will you have your turnip mashed or as God intended?
0:14:10 > 0:14:14He will not answer. He has taken a vow of silence.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17I believe that silence is golden.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Ahem...! (Inheritance).
0:14:27 > 0:14:33- LOUD KNOCKING Other guests, Edmund?!- Certainly not!
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Good. Guests are others to fornicate with!
0:14:36 > 0:14:39MORE LOUD KNOCKING
0:14:39 > 0:14:43I'll tell them to fornicate off! Percy!
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Um...er...yes!
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Well... Lord Whiteadder, a vow of silence?!
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Quite an interesting thing!
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Tell me about it.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06# Happy Birthday to you
0:15:06 > 0:15:09# Happy Birthday to you
0:15:09 > 0:15:11< # Happy Birthday...
0:15:11 > 0:15:13# ..Eddie, baby,
0:15:13 > 0:15:17# Happy Birthday to you. #
0:15:17 > 0:15:21It's not my birthday...ARCHDEACON!
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Ha! Well, get stuck in, boys!
0:15:26 > 0:15:29STUCK IN! Wa-hay! Geddit?
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Sounds a bit rude! STUCK IN!
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- KNOCKING - Sorry. Back in a tick.
0:15:35 > 0:15:40Wa-hay! A tick, lads! That sounds a bit like "bum"!
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Melchett! Avoiding the early drinking?
0:15:45 > 0:15:50You're not even wearing a pair of comedy breasts!
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Au contraire.
0:15:51 > 0:15:56Let's wait till we get down to the serious drinking.. No, this way!
0:15:59 > 0:16:02WHOO-OO-OO-OO-AH!
0:16:02 > 0:16:07- Good evening. - This is Lord Melchett.- HOORAY!
0:16:07 > 0:16:11- Give him a large one. - A large one! Wa-hay! Geddit?
0:16:11 > 0:16:14No! Yes, you do. LARGE one!
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Sounds a bit rude! WA-HAY!
0:16:17 > 0:16:25- The conversation may be over your head, but you'll get used to it. Well, down the hatch!- WA-HAY!
0:16:33 > 0:16:35KNOCKING
0:16:37 > 0:16:42- I heard there was a party on. - Two! And you're invited to neither.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46- - I'm a friend of Lord Percy. - Ah, Gwendolyn! Come in.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- Thank you.- It's in here.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Sorry. Carol singers.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Ahem...Ahem...AHEM!
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Sorry. He's sick.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Leprosy... of the brain.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13He's telling you that you are wearing
0:17:13 > 0:17:17 a pair of devil's dumplings!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Oh, my God! My ear-muffs!
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Er... It's cold. Wouldn't you like a pair?
0:17:28 > 0:17:33No, thank you. Cold is God's way of telling us to burn more Catholics.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37- Which reminds me, Auntie... - Don't call me Auntie!
0:17:38 > 0:17:46Aunties are relatives, and relatives are evidence of sex! Not a fitting subject for the dinner table!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Or any table!
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Except perhaps in a brothel.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- OW! - Percy, you've fallen off your chair.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57What was I saying? ..Oh, my God!
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Your turnip, my lady.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Very good, very good.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14Nathaniel, this takes me back to our wedding night.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21We had raw turnips that night, too.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25< WA-HAY! WA-HAY!
0:18:25 > 0:18:29- What was that?- What was what? - That noise.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Noise? Did you hear a noise, Percy?
0:18:33 > 0:18:38- No.- Good. - Apart from that huge drunken roar.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40- Ow!- Oh, that noise!
0:18:40 > 0:18:43It's the Catholics next door.
0:18:43 > 0:18:48- Aaaargh!- I'll go and burn them. Back in a minute. Percy!
0:18:52 > 0:18:54KNOCKING
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- I'm suffocating. - Thank God you knocked!
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Come on, take a deep breath.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02SHE GASPS
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- Better?- Yes.- Good.
0:19:06 > 0:19:11I'll say one thing for Catholics. They do have natural rhythm.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15MELCHETT! WA-HAY!
0:19:15 > 0:19:18I see you're not drinking.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22Don't worry. I'm holding my own here.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Wa-hay! Holding my own! That's incredibly rude!
0:19:25 > 0:19:29Yes, well, I never went to university.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33That doesn't explain why you don't drink with us.
0:19:33 > 0:19:41I came to talk to you about that. What about ten minutes' silence for some really serious drinking?
0:19:41 > 0:19:42YEAH!
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- Ssh! Ssh!- SSSSH! SSSSSH!
0:19:47 > 0:19:51I said, "Give me silence", not drench me with dribble.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Here's a nice glass of cider.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59- Oh! Only cider! I'm putting brandy in it!- HOORAY!
0:19:59 > 0:20:02MELCHETT: Quiet! Ssh!
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Ow!
0:20:11 > 0:20:17- How are we all going then?- Not well. Let us discuss your inheritance.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Yes, good. A little drink first?
0:20:19 > 0:20:25Drink! Wicked child. Drink is urine from the last leper in Hell!
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Oh, no...no. This is only water!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31This is a house of simple purity.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42Great booze-up, Edmund! Phaaart!
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Do you know that man?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56No.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58He called you Edmund.
0:20:58 > 0:21:04- Know HIM? Oh, yes, I do.- Then what did he mean by "great booze-up"?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Well...
0:21:22 > 0:21:24..my friend is a missionary...
0:21:24 > 0:21:33..and on his last visit abroad, brought back with him the chief of a famous tribe.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38His name is Great Boo.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42He's been suffering from sleeping sickness.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45And he's obviously just woken.
0:21:45 > 0:21:50As you heard, GREAT BOO'S UP!
0:21:50 > 0:21:55- Well done!- I'd better go visit him! Perce, over to you!
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Yes. How about some sort of game?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02How about a bit of...
0:22:02 > 0:22:05..Shove-piggy-shove?
0:22:05 > 0:22:12Blackadder, you challenged me to a drinking contest earlier and you haven't touched a drop.
0:22:12 > 0:22:17- Nonsense!- It's true. You twist and turn like a...twisty-turny thing.
0:22:17 > 0:22:24- You're a weedy pigeon. Call me Susan if it isn't so.- All right. All right. Baldrick!
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Fetch my incredibly strong ale.
0:22:28 > 0:22:33- Not Dr McGloo's Amber Enema?! - A drink for schoolgirls!
0:22:33 > 0:22:38- Not Strollop's Lobster Scrumpy?! - No, it is Blackadder's Bowel-Basher.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42Knocks the backside off a concrete elephant,
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- does it not, Baldrick? - No, it's water.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47What?! Water?!
0:22:47 > 0:22:52Er...ha, ha! (Presuming, Baldrick, you wish to see another dawn...)
0:22:52 > 0:22:57- You did call for your incredibly strong ale?- Yes, that's right.- Good.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00I thought I'd made a mistake.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Oh! It is water!
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Come on, lads! Let's give him a real drink.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- Oh, fine!- Bums up!
0:23:08 > 0:23:13Wa-hay! Bums! Sounds a bit like "bums"...
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Drink, Blackadder, drink!
0:23:17 > 0:23:21ALL: Wa-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-AY!
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Percy!
0:23:29 > 0:23:31I lost the bet.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Edmund, explain yourself!
0:23:35 > 0:23:39- SLURRING: - I can't. Not just like that.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43I'm a complicated person, Auntie.
0:23:43 > 0:23:50Sometimes I'm nice. And sometimes I'm nasty. Hee...hee!
0:23:51 > 0:23:56And sometimes I just like to sing little songs like...
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- #- See the little goblin...- #
0:23:59 > 0:24:03Explain why you've a cardinal's hat on, why you're grinning inanely...
0:24:03 > 0:24:08..and why you have an ostrich feather sticking out of your britches.
0:24:08 > 0:24:14I'm wearing a cardinal's hat cos I'm Cardinal Chunder.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17I've an ostrich feather up my bottom
0:24:17 > 0:24:22cos Mister Ostrich put it there to keep in the little pixie.
0:24:24 > 0:24:33I'm grinning inanely cos I've almost conned you and your daft husband out of a whopping inheritance. Hee, hee!
0:24:35 > 0:24:39Is that right? May I remind you, cursed creature...
0:24:41 > 0:24:49- Your inheritance depends upon your not drinking or gambling.- Oh, yes. The devil farts in my face again.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Not mentioning farts was also a condition.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Shove off, you old trout!
0:24:57 > 0:25:02How dare you speak to my husband like that!
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Nathaniel, we're leaving.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06And you...
0:25:06 > 0:25:10- Yes?- Has anyone ever told you you're a giggling imbecile.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Oh, yes.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Good.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Good riddance, you old witch!
0:25:18 > 0:25:22- KNOCKING - Oh! She's forgotten her broomstick.
0:25:22 > 0:25:28Look, I just wanted to say thanks for a splendid evening.
0:25:28 > 0:25:33Yes. First rate, all round. Particularly your jester.
0:25:35 > 0:25:40By the way. I loved the turnip. Very funny.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Exactly the same shape as a thingy!
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Good God!
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Look who it is!
0:25:50 > 0:25:55Who? Well, it's a boys' party - she's a girl...
0:25:55 > 0:25:58..so she must be the stripper!
0:25:59 > 0:26:04Oh, no! Don't get too depressed, Edmund.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05I mean...
0:26:05 > 0:26:08..money isn't everything.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Well, think of clouds and daisies
0:26:12 > 0:26:16and the smiles on little babies' faces.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Be quiet, Percy.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21This way! < WA-HAY!
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Whoa! Another stripper! ALL: Hooray!
0:26:27 > 0:26:30And a male stripper! Hooray!
0:26:30 > 0:26:35Yes! This is much more like it! OOOH!
0:26:35 > 0:26:38And she's come dressed as a queen!
0:26:38 > 0:26:42Ooooh! S-E-X-Y!
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Do you know who I am?
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Yes, I know who you are.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Who?
0:26:50 > 0:26:53You're Merlin the happy pig.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55ALL: Hooray!
0:26:55 > 0:27:00Wrong, I'm afraid. I AM the Queen of England.
0:27:06 > 0:27:11I may have the body of a weak and and feeble woman,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14but I have the heart and stomach
0:27:14 > 0:27:16of a concrete elephant.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Prove it!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Certainly will.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24First, I'll have a little drinkie.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28And then I'll execute the whole bally lot of you.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36- #- See the little goblin See his little feet
0:27:36 > 0:27:40- #- And his litttle nosey-wose Isn't the goblin sweet!- #
0:27:40 > 0:27:43- ALL: Yes!- Wait a minute!
0:27:43 > 0:27:47I'm sure I had to do something important to you all this morning.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49WA-HAY!
0:27:51 > 0:27:55Something about ten thousand florins?
0:27:55 > 0:27:58- No, an inheritance!- Look!
0:27:58 > 0:28:03- Do you want to hear about the goblin or not?- YEAH!
0:28:03 > 0:28:08Right, perhaps this time I might be allowed to finish, with any luck!
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Luck?! Hee, hee!
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Wa-hay! Geddit?!
0:28:14 > 0:28:16ALL: Umm...NO!
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Oh, come on! "Luck"!
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Sounds almost exactly like f...
0:28:23 > 0:28:26# Blackadder's calling for his beer
0:28:26 > 0:28:29# The art of boozing he's not mastered
0:28:29 > 0:28:33# And I, your merry balladeer
0:28:33 > 0:28:36# Am also well and truly plastered
0:28:36 > 0:28:40# Blackadder, Blackadder
0:28:40 > 0:28:43# A bit like Robin Hood
0:28:43 > 0:28:47# Blackadder, Blackadder
0:28:47 > 0:28:50# But nothing like as good
0:28:50 > 0:28:54# Blackadder (hic) Blackadder
0:28:54 > 0:28:57# I thought that he had died
0:28:57 > 0:29:01# Blackadder, Blackadder
0:29:01 > 0:29:05# Our writers must have lied.#
0:29:05 > 0:29:09Subtitles by Joachim Hillier - 1994 -