0:00:35 > 0:00:39Oh! Ohh! Blackadder! BLACK-AAAA-DER !
0:00:39 > 0:00:44- Your Highness?- Wh-what time is it? - 3pm, Your Highness.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47God, I thought I'd overslept.
0:00:47 > 0:00:53- Did you have a pleasant evening? - No! An extraordinary thing happened.
0:00:53 > 0:01:01I was in the Naughty Hellfire Club, and some fellow said that I had the wit of a donkey!
0:01:01 > 0:01:08- An absurd suggestion.- Right! - Unless it was a particularly stupid donkey!
0:01:09 > 0:01:15- If only I'D said that. - Too late one thinks of what one should have said.
0:01:15 > 0:01:22Sir Thomas More, burned alive for refusing to recant his Catholicism,
0:01:22 > 0:01:25and it never occured to him to say,
0:01:25 > 0:01:28"I recant my Catholicism."
0:01:28 > 0:01:33Prime Minister Pitt called me "an idle scrounger."
0:01:33 > 0:01:37How clever it would have been to have said,
0:01:37 > 0:01:40"Oh, bugger off, you old fart!"
0:01:40 > 0:01:48I want people to say, "George is as clever as a stick in a bucket of pig swill."
0:01:48 > 0:01:56- How do you suggest this miracle is achieved?- Easy! I shall become friends with a very clever man.
0:01:56 > 0:02:02Samuel Johnson has asked me to be patron of his new book. I will accept.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05The long-awaited "dictionary"?
0:02:05 > 0:02:08I hope there are murders in it!
0:02:08 > 0:02:15- It's a masterpiece. - It's the most pointless book since "How to Learn French"
0:02:15 > 0:02:18was translated into French.
0:02:18 > 0:02:23You haven't got anything personal against Johnson?
0:02:23 > 0:02:28No. In fact, I'd never heard of him till you mentioned him.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- You DO think he's a genius?- No.
0:02:31 > 0:02:39Unless the definition of genius in his ridiculous dictionary is "A fat wobblebottom,
0:02:39 > 0:02:43"a pompous ass with sweaty dewflaps."
0:02:43 > 0:02:48Close shave there, then. Lucky you warned me.
0:02:48 > 0:02:55- I was about to embrace this unholy arse to the Royal bosom.- So, I've kept your bosom free of arses!
0:02:55 > 0:03:00Don't want to waste time with wobblebottoms.
0:03:00 > 0:03:05- Fetch tea.- Certainly.- TWO cups. Dr Johnson is coming round.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- Naaagh!- Something wrong, Mr B ?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Something's always wrong, Balders.
0:03:16 > 0:03:24The fact that I'm not a millionaire with the sexual capacity of a rhino is a niggle!
0:03:24 > 0:03:27But today, something's WRONGER.
0:03:27 > 0:03:32- Dr Johnson is coming to tea. - He's the cleverest man in England.
0:03:32 > 0:03:37I'd bump into cleverer people at the Meeting of Village Idiots.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40But you sent him your navel.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45NOVEL, Baldrick. I sent him my NOVEL.
0:03:45 > 0:03:51Novel or navel, it sounds like a bag of grapefruits to me.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55The phrase is "a case of sour grapes", and it IS.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59He might have written back, but nothing!
0:03:59 > 0:04:06- Not even "Dear Gertrude Perkins, get stuffed. Samuel Johnson." - Gertrude Perkins?
0:04:06 > 0:04:13I gave myself a female pseudonym. Everybody's doing it. Mrs Radcliffe, Jane Austen...
0:04:13 > 0:04:20- Jane Austen's a man?- Of course. A huge Yorkshireman with a beard like a rhododendron bush.
0:04:20 > 0:04:25- A small one, then?- Compared to Dorothy Wordsworth's, certainly.
0:04:25 > 0:04:31James Boswell is the only woman writing - that's just to get into Johnson's britches.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Perhaps your book isn't any good.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Codswallop! It's perfect!
0:04:37 > 0:04:40"Edmund - a Butler's Tale."
0:04:40 > 0:04:45A giant roller-coaster of a novel, in 400 sizzling chapters.
0:04:45 > 0:04:52A searing indictment of domestic servitude, with some hot gypsies thrown in!
0:04:52 > 0:04:57It's my magnum opus. Everybody has one novel in them. This is mine.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00And THIS is MINE !
0:05:00 > 0:05:03My magnificent octopus.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07- Your novel ? - Yeah. I can't stand long books.
0:05:07 > 0:05:16"Once upon a time there was a little sausage called Baldrick and it lived happily ever after."
0:05:16 > 0:05:23- It's semi-autobiographical. - It's awful. Dr Johnson will probably love it.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27- BELL CLANGS - Speak of the Devil.
0:05:27 > 0:05:32I'd better go and make the great Doctor comfortable.
0:05:32 > 0:05:37Let's see how smart Dr Fatty Know-It-All really is!
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- Prepare a fire.- What shall I use?
0:05:40 > 0:05:44Any old rubbish. Here, try this for starters.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- KNOCK ON DOOR - Enter!
0:05:49 > 0:05:54- Dr Johnson, Your Highness. - Dr Johnson! Damn cold day!
0:05:54 > 0:05:59Indeed. But a fine one. I celebrated the encyclopaedic implementation
0:05:59 > 0:06:03of my premeditated orchestration of demotic Anglo-Saxon.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Didn't catch that.
0:06:07 > 0:06:13I am felicitous, since during the course of the penultimate solar sojourn,
0:06:13 > 0:06:19I terminated my categorisation of the vocabulary of our post-Norman tongue.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Sounds damn saucy, lucky thing!
0:06:25 > 0:06:33I know some liberal-minded girls, but I've never had a solar sojourn, or been given any Norman tongue!
0:06:36 > 0:06:42The Doctor is trying to tell you he is happy because he has finished his book.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44It has taken him ten years.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Well, I'm a slow reader myself!
0:06:49 > 0:06:55Here it is, sir, the very cornerstone of English scholarship.
0:06:55 > 0:07:00This book contains every word in our beloved language.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- Every single one, sir?- Yes.
0:07:03 > 0:07:09In that case, I also offer the Doctor my most enthusiastic...
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- contrafibularoties.- What?
0:07:13 > 0:07:17Contrafibularoties. A common word!
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Damn!
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I am anaspeptic, phrasmotic...
0:07:23 > 0:07:28even compunctuous to have caused you such periconbobulations.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31What, what, what?
0:07:31 > 0:07:35This all sounds like dago-talk to me!
0:07:35 > 0:07:41I was congratulating the Doctor on not having left out a single word!
0:07:42 > 0:07:50- Shall I fetch tea? - Yes. And the fire.- Certainly, sir. I shall return interphrastically.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Sit down!
0:07:56 > 0:08:03- This book of yours, what's it about?- It is a book about the English language.- I see.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- The hero's name? - There is no hero, sir.
0:08:07 > 0:08:12Lucky I reminded you! Put one in pronto.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16Call him George. What about heroines?
0:08:16 > 0:08:20The heroine is our Mother Tongue.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23The mother's the heroine. Nice twist!
0:08:23 > 0:08:30Mother Tongue is in love with George, the hero. Murders? She doesn't get murdered?
0:08:30 > 0:08:35No! No-one gets murdered, married, or gets into a tricky situation!
0:08:35 > 0:08:44Doctor Johnson, I may be as thick as a whale omelette, but I know a book's got to have a plot.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48Not this one. It tells you what words mean.
0:08:48 > 0:08:53I know what words mean! You must be a bit of a thicko!
0:08:53 > 0:08:58Perhaps you would rather NOT be patron of my book!
0:08:58 > 0:09:04It sounds as though being patron to this COWPAT of a book...
0:09:04 > 0:09:08will set the seal on my reputation as a turnip-head!
0:09:08 > 0:09:13It is a reputation well-deserved, sir! Farewell !
0:09:14 > 0:09:22Leaving, Doctor? Not staying for your pendigestatory interludicule?
0:09:22 > 0:09:29- No! Show me out!- Certainly. Anything I can do to facilitate your velocitous extramuralisation.
0:09:29 > 0:09:36You will regret this! Not only have you impeculiated my dictionary,
0:09:36 > 0:09:41but you have lost the chance to be patron to a BETTER book!
0:09:41 > 0:09:48What's that? "Dictionary Two"? "Return of the Killer Dictionaries"?
0:09:48 > 0:09:54No. "Edmund - a Butler's Tale", by Gertrude Perkins.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58A roller-coaster of a novel, crammed with gypsies.
0:10:00 > 0:10:07- It would have made you and me and Gertrude millionaires! - Millionaires!
0:10:07 > 0:10:10But it is not to be, sir.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Farewell !
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Excuse me, sir. Doctor Johnson...
0:10:16 > 0:10:24- A word...- A word with you can mean seven million syllables. You may not be finished by night!
0:10:24 > 0:10:30Oh! In my fury I have left my dictionary with your master. Fetch it.
0:10:30 > 0:10:35The Prince is foolish and has a peanut for a brain.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39I will deliver both the book and his patronage.
0:10:39 > 0:10:48I doubt it. A servant who is an influence for the good is like a dog who speaks. Very rare!
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- I can change his mind.- I doubt it.
0:10:51 > 0:10:58A man who can change a Prince's mind is like a dog who speaks Norwegian. Even RARER !
0:10:58 > 0:11:01I shall be at Mrs Miggins' salon.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Your Highness, my congratulations.
0:11:04 > 0:11:12- Thanks. That pompous baboon won't be back!- On the contrary, he left in the highest of spirits.
0:11:12 > 0:11:20- What?- He is thrilled that you will patronise his dictionary. - I told him to sod off, didn't I ?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Yes, but that was a joke. Surely.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- Was it?- Certainly. And a brilliant one.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Yes.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Yes, I suppose it was rather.
0:11:32 > 0:11:37I'll deliver the note of patronage as promised?
0:11:37 > 0:11:44- If that is what I promised. And I remember promising it. - Nice fire.- Thank you.
0:11:45 > 0:11:52- Baldrick, where's the manuscript? - You mean the big papery thing tied up with string?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Yes. It belongs to Dr Johnson.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00- You mean the fellow who just left? - Yes, Baldrick. Doctor Johnson.
0:12:00 > 0:12:08You're asking where the papery thing belonging to the man who just left is?
0:12:08 > 0:12:16Yes! And if you don't answer, the booted bony thing with 5 toes on the end of my leg...
0:12:16 > 0:12:20will connect with the soft dangly objects in your trousers!
0:12:22 > 0:12:27For the last time, where is the manuscript?
0:12:27 > 0:12:34- On the fire.- On the what?! - The hot orangey thing under the stoney mantelpiece.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- You burnt the dictionary?!- Yes.
0:12:37 > 0:12:45- You burnt the life's work of our foremost man of letters? - You said burn any rubbish.- Fine.
0:12:45 > 0:12:50Won't it be difficult to patronise the book if we've burnt it?
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Yes. If you would excuse me a moment...
0:12:54 > 0:13:02Of course. Now I've got my fire, I'm as happy as a Frenchman wih self-removing trousers.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Baldrick, would you join me in the vestibule?
0:13:07 > 0:13:16- We are going to find where Johnson keeps a copy of that dictionary and YOU are going to steal it.- Me?
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- Yes.- Why me?- Because you burnt it.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22But I'll go to Hell for stealing.
0:13:22 > 0:13:28Eternity in the company of Beelzebub and his instruments of death
0:13:28 > 0:13:34will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me and this pencil...
0:13:34 > 0:13:38if we can't find the dictionary.
0:13:38 > 0:13:43O, love-torn ecstasy that is Mrs Miggins,
0:13:43 > 0:13:50wilt though bring me one cup of the browned juicings of that naughty bean we call coffee ere I die?
0:13:50 > 0:13:54You have a way with words, Mr Shelley!
0:13:54 > 0:13:59Coffee, woman! My consumption grows more acute.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Coleridge's drugs are wearing off.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Mr Byron, don't be a big girl's blouse.
0:14:06 > 0:14:12- Don't forget the pencil, Baldrick. - I certainly won't, sir.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16- Good day to you, Mrs Miggins.- Ooh!
0:14:16 > 0:14:24A cup of hot water with grit in it, unless your coffee shop has started selling coffee (!)
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Be quiet! We're dying!
0:14:27 > 0:14:33Don't worry, my poets aren't dead, they're just being intellectual.
0:14:33 > 0:14:40Nothing intellectual about going around Italy in a big shirt, trying to get laid! Why are they here?
0:14:40 > 0:14:45We are here to pay homage to Dr Johnson, as should you!
0:14:45 > 0:14:53Absolutely. I intend to. You wouldn't have a copy of his dictionary on you?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Friends, I am returned!
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- Hurrah! - Sir, how was the Prince?
0:14:59 > 0:15:06The Prince is an utter fool and his servants are cretinous! POETS LAUGH
0:15:06 > 0:15:11- Good afternoon. - And YOU are the worst of them.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Have you my dictionary and my patronage?
0:15:15 > 0:15:19Not quite. The Prince begs a few more hours.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Bah! Bah! Bah!
0:15:21 > 0:15:27- I wonder if a lowly servant such as I might see a copy?- Copy?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Copy? Copy? There IS no copy!
0:15:30 > 0:15:37- No copy?- A copy is like fitting wheels to a tomato - time-consuming and unnecessary!
0:15:37 > 0:15:40But what if the book got lost?
0:15:40 > 0:15:44I would not lose it, and if any man should,
0:15:44 > 0:15:49I would tear off his head with my bare hands and feed it to the cat!
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Well, that's nice and clear.
0:15:52 > 0:16:00I, Lord Byron, would summon 50 men, lay siege to the fellow's house and do murder on him!
0:16:00 > 0:16:04I would see him hanging by his hair...
0:16:04 > 0:16:09with an Oriental disembowelling cutlass thrust up his ignoble behind!
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I hope you're listening, Baldrick.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19Sir, I have been unable to replace the dictionary.
0:16:19 > 0:16:24I am leaving for Nepal, where I intend to live as a goat.
0:16:25 > 0:16:32- Why?- If I stay here, Dr Johnson's companions would have me brutally murdered, sir.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36That's terrible! Know any other butlers?
0:16:36 > 0:16:42When the people discover that YOU burnt the dictionary,
0:16:42 > 0:16:49they may say, "Thick George! He's got a brain the size of a weasel's wedding tackle."
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Something must be done!
0:16:52 > 0:16:58- I have a cunning plan, sir. - Hurrah! Well, that's that then.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01I wouldn't get over-excited, sir.
0:17:01 > 0:17:08His plan will be the stupidest thing we've heard since Lord Nelson's famous signal,
0:17:08 > 0:17:15"Lady Hamilton is a virgin. Poke my eye out and cut off my arm if I'm wrong."
0:17:16 > 0:17:17Great!
0:17:17 > 0:17:23- Let's hear it.- It's brilliant. You take the string...
0:17:23 > 0:17:26that's still not completely burnt,
0:17:26 > 0:17:31scrape off the soot... and shove the pages in again.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35- WHICH pages?- Not the same ones, of course.- Yes.
0:17:35 > 0:17:41I think I've spotted the flaw in this plan. But go on. Which pages?
0:17:41 > 0:17:46This is brilliant. You write some new ones.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49You mean rewrite the dictionary?
0:17:49 > 0:17:54I rewrite the dictionary that took Dr Johnson ten years.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55Yep.
0:17:55 > 0:18:03Baldrick, that is the worst and most contemptible plan in the history of the universe.
0:18:03 > 0:18:09However, I hear the sound of disembowelling cutlasses being sharpened,
0:18:09 > 0:18:12and it's the only plan we've got.
0:18:12 > 0:18:17Perhaps you'd like me to help. I'm not as stupid as I look.
0:18:17 > 0:18:22I AM as stupid as I look, but if I can help, I will.
0:18:22 > 0:18:28You'd be as useful as a barber on the steps of the guillotine.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Oh, go on, give us a try.
0:18:31 > 0:18:36Very well. Let's start at the beginning.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40First, "A". How would you define "A"?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- "A"...- Oh, I love this! Quizzes!
0:18:43 > 0:18:47- "A", oh, crikey...- "A"... - I've got it!
0:18:47 > 0:18:51- What?- Well, it doesn't really mean anything!
0:18:51 > 0:18:55Good. We're well on the way (!)
0:18:56 > 0:19:01"A - impersonal pronoun. Doesn't really mean anything."
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Next, "AB..."
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Eh...a bee. It's a buzzing thing.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10"A buzzing thing."
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Something that starts with "AB..."
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Honey. Honey starts with a bee.
0:19:18 > 0:19:23- Honey DOES start with a bee. - This isn't getting anywhere.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Besides, I've left out "Aardvark."
0:19:26 > 0:19:32- Can't say we didn't try.- Yes. I must proceed on my own.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Baldrick, make me something simple to eat.
0:19:36 > 0:19:44- Bread with something in between. - Like Gerald, Lord Sandwich had? - Yes. A few rounds of Geralds.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53How goes it, Blackadder?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- Not well.- Let's have a look.
0:19:56 > 0:20:02"Medium-sized insectivore with protruding nasal implement."
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Doesn't sound much like a bee.
0:20:05 > 0:20:12- It's an aardvark! It's a bloody AARDVARK ! - Still on aardvark?
0:20:12 > 0:20:16Yes. And if I ever meet an aardvark,
0:20:16 > 0:20:21I'm going to step on its damn protruding nasal implement!
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Stuck?
0:20:23 > 0:20:31I'm sorry, sir. Five hours later, and I've got every word except "A" and "aardvark" to do.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33And I'm not happy with THEM.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38Don't panic, because I have some good news.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40What?
0:20:40 > 0:20:47- We've been working all night! I've done "B".- Really? How have you got on?
0:20:47 > 0:20:53I had trouble with "belching", but I got it sorted out.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- BELCHES - There I go again!
0:20:56 > 0:21:03- < HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER - You've been working on that joke for some time.
0:21:03 > 0:21:09- I have!- Since you started?- Yes. - You've done no work at all ?- No.
0:21:09 > 0:21:15- Great (!) Baldrick, what have YOU done? - I've done "C" and "D".
0:21:15 > 0:21:22- Right, let's have it then.- Right. "Blue wobbly thing that mermaids live in.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- What's that?- Sea.
0:21:26 > 0:21:27Yes.
0:21:28 > 0:21:33Tiny misunderstanding. Still, my hopes weren't high.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37- What about "D"? - I'm pleased with "dog".
0:21:37 > 0:21:41- Your definition of dog is? - Not a cat.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Excellent.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Excellent!
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- May I have a word?- Certainly.
0:21:51 > 0:21:59As you know, it has been my wish to stay with you until we both had sons to take over our duties.
0:21:59 > 0:22:05- That's right.- Change of plan! I'm off to the kitchen to hack my head off.
0:22:05 > 0:22:13Come on, it's only a book! Damn the fellow's eyes, strip off his britches,
0:22:13 > 0:22:17and warm his heels to Putney Bridge!
0:22:17 > 0:22:25- Sir, you can't just lop someone's head off and blame it on the Vikings.- Can't I ?!- No.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Oh, well, let's get on with it.
0:22:28 > 0:22:34It's only a dictionary. No-one's asked us to eat ten pigs for breakfast.
0:22:34 > 0:22:40- Good Lord, we're British! - You're not. You're German.
0:22:40 > 0:22:46Get me some coffee. If I fall asleep before Monday, we're doomed.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Mr Blackadder, time to wake up!
0:22:51 > 0:22:56- What time is it?- Monday morning. - Oh, my God! I've overslept!
0:22:56 > 0:23:03- Where's the parchment?- I dunno. Maybe Dr Johnson's got some.- What? - He's outside.- AAAAAAGH !
0:23:03 > 0:23:06- Are you ill ?- You can't have it.
0:23:06 > 0:23:12I want Baldrick to read it, which will mean teaching him to read.
0:23:12 > 0:23:17Time well spent, because it's such a very good dictionary.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21- I don't think so. - We've been burgled! ..What?
0:23:21 > 0:23:29I think it's an awful dictionary. I've come to ask you to chuck the damn thing on the fire.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- Are you sure?- I am sure.
0:23:32 > 0:23:37I love you, Dr Johnson, and I want to have your babies.
0:23:39 > 0:23:44Excuse me, but my Auntie Marjorie has arrived.
0:23:44 > 0:23:49Baldrick, who gave you permission to turn into an Alsatian?
0:23:49 > 0:23:54Oh, God! It's a dream, isn't it? It's a bloody dream!
0:23:54 > 0:23:59Dr Johnson doesn't want us to burn his dictionary at all.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Mr Blackadder, time to wake up!
0:24:07 > 0:24:12- What time is it?- Monday morning. - Oh, my God! I've overslept!
0:24:12 > 0:24:18- Where's the parchment?- I dunno. Maybe Dr Johnson's got some.- What? - He's outside.
0:24:18 > 0:24:25Hang on, hang on. If we go on like this, you'll turn into an Alsatian.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29- KNOCK ON DOOR - We must escape.
0:24:29 > 0:24:36Bring out the dictionary! Bring it out, or I shall kill everyone by giving them syphilis!
0:24:36 > 0:24:43Bring it out. And any opium plants you have. Bring it out!
0:24:43 > 0:24:48- Good morning...- Where's my dictionary?- What dictionary?
0:24:48 > 0:24:54The one that has taken 18 hours of every day for 10 years!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56My mother died. I hardly noticed.
0:24:56 > 0:25:02My father cut off his head. I scarcely looked up from my work.
0:25:02 > 0:25:07My wife brought armies of lovers to our house!
0:25:07 > 0:25:14- I cared not!- Am I to presume that my bluff has not worked? - Dictionary!- Right.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18The truth is... Don't get cross... We burnt it.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Then you DIE ! Ahhh!
0:25:21 > 0:25:29Good morning. You know, this dictionary is a good read! A splendid job!
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- You said you'd burnt it!- Ehm...
0:25:32 > 0:25:36I look forward to patronising it.
0:25:36 > 0:25:43Thank you. We will sacrifice the killing to maintain the good humour!
0:25:43 > 0:25:46No murder today. GROANS
0:25:46 > 0:25:51Retire to Mrs Miggins'. I will join you there.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55Tell me, sir, what words interested you?
0:25:55 > 0:26:01- Oh, nothing. Anything, really. - I see you have underlined a few.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05"Bloomers...bottom...burp...
0:26:05 > 0:26:13"fart...fornicate..." I hope you are not using the first dictionary to look up rude words!
0:26:13 > 0:26:18That's what all the others will be used for.
0:26:18 > 0:26:25- Can I look up "turnip"? - Turnip's not a rude word. - It is if you sit on one.
0:26:25 > 0:26:32We have more important business - the works of the mysterious Gertrude Perkins.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Mysterious no more, sir.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38I can reveal the identity...
0:26:38 > 0:26:40- of Gertrude Perkins!- Who IS she?
0:26:40 > 0:26:45- SHE, sir, is ME. - I- am Gertrude Perkins!
0:26:45 > 0:26:53- Good Lord!- Bring the manuscript and I will show you that my signature corresponds.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56I left it here with the dictionary.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00- This is exciting! - Baldrick, fetch my novel.
0:27:00 > 0:27:05- Novel ?- The papery thing tied up with string.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- Like the thing we burnt?- Exactly.
0:27:08 > 0:27:15- You're asking for the papery thing tied up with string, exactly like the thing we burnt?- Yes.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17We burnt it.
0:27:17 > 0:27:24So we did. Thank you. Seven years of my life up in smoke.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27- Sir, would you excuse me?- Yes.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34OH, GOD ! NO-O!
0:27:34 > 0:27:42- Thank you.- Burnt, you say. Most inconvenient. A burnt novel is like a burnt dog...- SHUT UP !
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Sir...
0:27:44 > 0:27:46- I- have a novel.
0:27:47 > 0:27:53"Once upon a time there was a little sausage called..."
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Sausage?! SAUSAGE ?!
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Blast your eyes!
0:27:58 > 0:28:02I didn't think it was THAT bad.
0:28:02 > 0:28:07You'll find he left "sausage" out of his dictionary.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Oh, and "aardvark."
0:28:11 > 0:28:19- Come on, it's not all that bad. Nothing a nice fire can't solve. Baldrick...- Certainly, sir.
0:28:59 > 0:29:04Subtitles by Janice Hamilton BBC Scotland, 1987