Nob and Nobility

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0:00:35 > 0:00:38Tra la la la!

0:00:39 > 0:00:44- Good morning, Mrs Miggins. - Bonjour, monsieur!- What?

0:00:44 > 0:00:46Bonjour, monsieur! It's French.

0:00:46 > 0:00:54So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese and urinating in the street. No reason to copy them.

0:00:54 > 0:00:59French is all the fashion! My shop is FULL of Frenchies.

0:00:59 > 0:01:03It's that WONDERFUL Scarlet Pimpernel!

0:01:03 > 0:01:07The Scarlet Pimpernel is NOT wonderful.

0:01:07 > 0:01:12He has filled London with a load of garlic-chewing French toffs

0:01:12 > 0:01:17crying, "Ooh-la-la!" because their fathers had their heads cut off!

0:01:17 > 0:01:23- Shepherd's pie, please. - We don't serve PIES any more.

0:01:23 > 0:01:27My French clientele consider PIES uncouth.

0:01:27 > 0:01:32A nation that eats snails and would go to bed with the kitchen sink

0:01:32 > 0:01:38is in no position to preach couthness! What IS on the menu?

0:01:38 > 0:01:43Chicken Pimpernel in Scarlet sauce, Scarlet Chicken in Pimpernel sauce,

0:01:43 > 0:01:48or huge suspicious-looking sausages in Scarlet Pimpernel sauce.

0:01:48 > 0:01:54- What's Scarlet Pimpernel sauce? - You squeeze a large, ripe frog...

0:01:54 > 0:01:57Yes, all right. I'm off to the pub.

0:01:57 > 0:02:00- Bonjour, monsieur!- Sod off.

0:02:05 > 0:02:07MIAOW!!

0:02:07 > 0:02:12Poor Mildred the cat! What's he ever done to you?

0:02:12 > 0:02:20- The abused always kick downwards. I kick the cat, the cat... - SQUEAK!- ..pounces on the mouse,

0:02:20 > 0:02:24- finally the mouse...- Aaagh! - ..bites you on the behind.

0:02:24 > 0:02:27- What do- I- do?- Nothing.

0:02:27 > 0:02:32Unless there's an earwig around that you'd like to victimise.

0:02:32 > 0:02:36- What's that on your nose?- Nice, eh?

0:02:36 > 0:02:38No, it isn't. It's revolting.

0:02:38 > 0:02:43- I'll take it off then. - Why are you wearing a false BOIL?!

0:02:45 > 0:02:50What are we to expect next? A beauty wart? A cosmetic verruca?

0:02:50 > 0:02:54- It's a Scarlet Pimple, sir.- Really?

0:02:54 > 0:02:57They're all the rage down our way.

0:02:57 > 0:03:02Everyone wants to revere the Pimple and his brilliant disguises.

0:03:02 > 0:03:09- #- They seek him here, they seek him there, the Frenchies seek him everywhere...- #

0:03:09 > 0:03:14What's that revolting garlic smell? All this fellow has done

0:03:14 > 0:03:22is pop over to France to grab a few malnourished, whingeing, leftist French nobs,

0:03:22 > 0:03:29at the same time picking up some good cheap wine and MARVELLOUS open fruit flans!

0:03:30 > 0:03:35We HATE the French! Did our men die in vain at Agincourt?

0:03:35 > 0:03:40Was the man who burnt Joan of Arc simply wasting matches?

0:03:40 > 0:03:46- BELL RINGS - His Royal Highness, the Pinhead of Wales summons.

0:03:46 > 0:03:51Utter chump though he may be, at least he's not French.

0:03:53 > 0:03:56Une toast! Encore une toast!

0:03:56 > 0:04:01- Le Pimpernel Scarlet! - Le Pimpernel Scarlet!

0:04:02 > 0:04:06Ah! Le Adder Noir! Come in!

0:04:09 > 0:04:14This is my butler, you chaps. Brighter than a brain pie.

0:04:14 > 0:04:18We want to know who the Scarlet Pimpernel is,

0:04:18 > 0:04:22so we can send him a postal order. Any ideas?

0:04:22 > 0:04:27Just send it to "The Biggest Show-off in London."

0:04:27 > 0:04:32Tish and pish! Gadzooks! Milarky! How DARE you say such a thing?

0:04:32 > 0:04:37Dem me, if you're not a swine! DEM that swine!

0:04:37 > 0:04:45Sneaking aristocrats out from under the noses of French revolutionaries is as easy as putting on a hat.

0:04:45 > 0:04:50Sink me, sir, this is treason! The Scarlet Pimpernel is a HERO.

0:04:50 > 0:04:57The revolution is orchestrated by a ruthless band of killers! Dem those killers!

0:04:59 > 0:05:04Now for the French Embassy Ball in honour of the exiled aristocracy.

0:05:04 > 0:05:09Where I intend to wear the most magnificent pair of trousers,

0:05:09 > 0:05:17from Snibcock and Turkey, Couturiers to the Very Wealthy and the Extremely Fat.

0:05:17 > 0:05:24- I don't want to get caught out wearing boring trousers. - Dem those boring trousers!

0:05:25 > 0:05:30We bet your butler 1,000 guineas that he can't go to France,

0:05:30 > 0:05:34rescue an aristocrat and present him at the ball.

0:05:34 > 0:05:35Ha!

0:05:35 > 0:05:43That's turned you white, hasn't it? You lily-livered, caramel-kidneyed, custard-coloured cad!

0:05:43 > 0:05:47Not so buoyant now, are you, eh? Eh?

0:05:47 > 0:05:50I'll just go and pack.

0:05:50 > 0:05:55Perhaps Lord Smedley and Lord Topper will accompany me?

0:05:55 > 0:06:01Just the odd death-defying leap and dental torture. Want to come?

0:06:01 > 0:06:05Oh, no! Oh, no! Dem! Dem!

0:06:05 > 0:06:08I've an appointment with my doctor.

0:06:08 > 0:06:15I've a sniffle coming on, I can feel it in my bones. Dem bones! Dem bones!

0:06:15 > 0:06:21What about next week? Come on, get your diaries out, chaps.

0:06:21 > 0:06:25Dem! Dem! I've left it behind! Behind!

0:06:25 > 0:06:31And my father died. I've got to be at his funeral in 10 minutes. Dem sorry!

0:06:31 > 0:06:34Goodbye, your Highness!

0:06:34 > 0:06:41Oh, dem! I'm the best man. Dem that dead father! Dem him! Goodbye.

0:06:41 > 0:06:44See you at the ball.

0:06:44 > 0:06:50- Shame they were busy. I'd have liked them to come with us.- Us?

0:06:50 > 0:06:54- Yes.- You're coming?- Yes!- Ah.

0:06:54 > 0:06:59Nothing I could say about the horrors involved could put you off?

0:06:59 > 0:07:05Oh, no. Let's pack! Just think of those fabulous French birds!

0:07:05 > 0:07:11The only women in France are toothless crones who cackle insanely.

0:07:11 > 0:07:15They're just playing hard to get.

0:07:15 > 0:07:20By removing all their teeth, going mad and ageing 40 years?!

0:07:20 > 0:07:26That's right, the little teasers! Go on, pack my silks and satins.

0:07:26 > 0:07:33If we are to survive in France, we'll have to dress as the smelliest low-life imaginable.

0:07:33 > 0:07:38- Like what? - This is our Paris collection...

0:07:38 > 0:07:45Baldrick is wearing a sheep's bladder jacket, with matching dung-ball accessories.

0:07:45 > 0:07:48Hair by Crazy Meg of Bedlam Hair.

0:07:48 > 0:07:55Notice how the aroma of rotting pilchards has been woven cunningly into the ensemble.

0:07:55 > 0:07:58When do you change your trousers?

0:07:58 > 0:08:04- I've never changed my trousers. - There is an ancient Greek legend

0:08:04 > 0:08:09of a terrible container in which were all the evils of the world.

0:08:09 > 0:08:17They called it "Pandora's Box", when of course, they meant "Baldrick's Trousers".

0:08:17 > 0:08:21They certainly can get a bit whiffy!

0:08:21 > 0:08:26When the box was opened, the whole world turned to darkness.

0:08:26 > 0:08:33Baldrick, for the good of mankind, NEVER allow curiosity to lead you to open your trousers.

0:08:35 > 0:08:37NOTHING of interest lies therein.

0:08:37 > 0:08:43Your Highness, it is trousers like these that YOU will have to wear.

0:08:44 > 0:08:46Yes, well...

0:08:46 > 0:08:51I might give it a miss. My tummy's playing up.

0:08:51 > 0:08:56- Wish wish I could come, but just not poss with this tum.- I see.

0:08:56 > 0:09:03- And the chances of me scoring if I look like him are zero. - That's true.

0:09:04 > 0:09:09- Mr B, I've got second thoughts about this trip to France.- Why?

0:09:09 > 0:09:14Looking like this, there's not much chance of ME scoring either.

0:09:16 > 0:09:23- Well, this is it. - If I don't make it back, tell my mother I was alive all the time.

0:09:23 > 0:09:27I never kept in touch with the old bat.

0:09:27 > 0:09:30Of course, old man.

0:09:30 > 0:09:35We must go. The shadows lengthen and we'll have an arduous journey.

0:09:35 > 0:09:40Farewell, dear master, and dare I say...friend?

0:09:41 > 0:09:46Farewell, brave liberator, and dare I say it...butler?

0:09:50 > 0:09:54- Right, put the kettle on.- What?!

0:09:54 > 0:09:57It's too dangerous to go to France!

0:09:57 > 0:10:02- How are you going to win your bet? - By using the thing between my ears.

0:10:02 > 0:10:05Oh, your nose.

0:10:07 > 0:10:09No, Baldrick, my brain.

0:10:09 > 0:10:16We lie low here for a week, then go to Mrs Miggins', pick up a French aristocrat,

0:10:16 > 0:10:21- and claim our 1,000 guineas at the ball.- What if the Prince finds us?

0:10:21 > 0:10:24He can't find his own fly-buttons.

0:10:26 > 0:10:29What a pair of TROUSERS !!

0:10:29 > 0:10:34I shall be the belle of the Embassy ball!

0:10:34 > 0:10:38Now, how do you put them on...? Blackadder!

0:10:38 > 0:10:43Oh, damn! He's gone to France. Well, I'll do it myself. Um...

0:10:48 > 0:10:53What a pleasant week, Baldrick. We must do this more often.

0:10:53 > 0:10:58Yes. I'll certainly choose France for my holiday again next year.

0:10:58 > 0:11:04Now, work. Off to Mrs Miggins' to pick up any old French toff.

0:11:04 > 0:11:08- LOUD BANGING UPSTAIRS - What's that?

0:11:08 > 0:11:13The Prince is still trying to put his trousers on.

0:11:14 > 0:11:16Damn!

0:11:17 > 0:11:25Now, Mrs Miggins, I'd like a plate of pigs' trotters, frogs' legs, and snails' ears, please,

0:11:25 > 0:11:28all with Scarlet Pimpernel sauce.

0:11:28 > 0:11:31Not so hostile to the Frenchies now?

0:11:31 > 0:11:36Oh, no. I'd sooner be hostile to my own servant.

0:11:36 > 0:11:40In fact, I came here to meet some Frenchies.

0:11:40 > 0:11:43Vive to that and an eclair for all!

0:11:43 > 0:11:49Vive indeed. Now I'm looking for a particular kind of Frenchie:

0:11:49 > 0:11:53one who is of noble blood, but also short on cash.

0:11:53 > 0:11:57THERE'S just the fellow for you.

0:11:57 > 0:12:01The Compte de Frou Frou. > Pretty down on his luck,

0:12:01 > 0:12:07and he's made that horse's willy last all morning.

0:12:07 > 0:12:10Baldrick, we have struck garlic!

0:12:13 > 0:12:17- You can have some lunch, Baldrick. - Thank you.

0:12:18 > 0:12:22- Le Compte de Frou Frou, I believe? - Yes.

0:12:22 > 0:12:25- Do you speak English?- A leettle.

0:12:25 > 0:12:33What does that mean? Do we have to ask each other the way to the beach in very loud voices?

0:12:33 > 0:12:37Oh, no. I can order coffee, deal with waiters,

0:12:37 > 0:12:41- and make sexy chit-chat with girls. - Oh, good.

0:12:41 > 0:12:47- Just don't ask me to take a physiology class.- I won't.

0:12:47 > 0:12:50Would you like to earn some money?

0:12:51 > 0:12:59No. I would like other people to earn it and then GEEVE it to me. Like in France in the good old days.

0:12:59 > 0:13:05- This is a chance to RETURN to the good old days. - Oh, I would LOVE that.

0:13:05 > 0:13:11The food is filthy here! This huge sausage is VERY suspicious!

0:13:11 > 0:13:18- If I didn't know better, I'd say it was a horse's...- Yes, yes, yes. The plan is this...

0:13:18 > 0:13:24I'm trying to get a Frenchman out of Paris. Will YOU be that Frenchman?

0:13:24 > 0:13:29Just come to the Embassy with me, say I rescued you,

0:13:29 > 0:13:35and you'll get 50 guineas and as many vol-au-vents as you like.

0:13:35 > 0:13:42It will be a pleasure! If there's one thing we aristocrats enjoy, it's a fabulous party!

0:13:42 > 0:13:45Oh, the music! Oh, the laughter...!

0:13:45 > 0:13:49If only I had my mongoose costume!

0:13:53 > 0:13:57Well, obviously it hasn't really got going yet.

0:13:57 > 0:14:02I've been at autopsies with more party atmosphere.

0:14:02 > 0:14:07Don't worry. We will soon hear music and laughter.

0:14:07 > 0:14:12DRAMATIC MUSIC THEN A HARSH, CRUEL LAUGH...

0:14:12 > 0:14:18- Bonsoir, m'sieur. - Good evening. Do you speak English?

0:14:18 > 0:14:23- Leetle.- Good. Then take me to the Ambassador.- Pardon?

0:14:24 > 0:14:28I - have - rescued an aristocrat...

0:14:28 > 0:14:32from the clutches of the evil revolutionaries.

0:14:32 > 0:14:35Please take me to the AMBASSADOR.

0:14:35 > 0:14:38No - I - won't!

0:14:38 > 0:14:42I AM an eveel revolutionary,

0:14:42 > 0:14:45and have MURDERED the Ambassador,

0:14:45 > 0:14:48and have turned him into...

0:14:48 > 0:14:50pate!

0:14:50 > 0:14:52Ah.

0:14:52 > 0:14:55And YOU, aristo peeg, are TRAPPED !

0:14:55 > 0:15:00Peeg? Ha! You will regret your insolence, revolutionary DOG !

0:15:00 > 0:15:06Dog? Ha! You will regret your arrogance, royalist SNAKE ! Snake? Ha...!

0:15:06 > 0:15:12- This is none of my business, so I must be on my way.- Ah ah ah!

0:15:12 > 0:15:15Not so fast, Engleesh!

0:15:15 > 0:15:20In rescuing this, er... 'boite de stinkeeweed',

0:15:20 > 0:15:24you have perverted revolutionary justice.

0:15:24 > 0:15:28Do you know what I do to people who do that?

0:15:28 > 0:15:35- They're given a little present and let free?- No. - They're smacked and then let off?

0:15:35 > 0:15:42- No.- I know.- What? - They're put in prison for the night and guillotined in the morning.

0:15:42 > 0:15:47Your little G-NOME is correct, monsieur.

0:15:47 > 0:15:52Gentlemen, welcome to the last day of your LIFE !

0:15:52 > 0:15:55How dare you, you feelthy weasel!

0:15:55 > 0:15:58Weasel? Ha! You can talk, WARTHOG !

0:15:58 > 0:16:01- Warthog? Ha!- Excuse me, Frou Frou.

0:16:01 > 0:16:08Look, me old mate... we're both working class, we both hate these rich bastards.

0:16:08 > 0:16:11Come on, you've nothing against me.

0:16:11 > 0:16:15On the contraree, I hate you Engleesh,

0:16:15 > 0:16:23with your boring trousers and your shiny toilet paper, and your idea that Frenchman are great lovers!

0:16:23 > 0:16:28I'M French and I'm hung like a baby carrot and a couple of petit pois!

0:16:30 > 0:16:36- Farewell, and DEATH to the aristos! - Death to the aristos!- Shut up!

0:16:36 > 0:16:45Monsieur, why waste your words on this scum? Have no fear, the Scarlet Pimpernel will save us!

0:16:45 > 0:16:47Some hope!

0:16:47 > 0:16:54He's the most overrated person since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Best Disciple Contest.

0:16:54 > 0:17:00Well, if he should fail us... here...I have these suicide pills.

0:17:00 > 0:17:05One for me...POP ! One for you...POP !

0:17:05 > 0:17:07and one for the dwarf...GLUG !

0:17:07 > 0:17:12- Say thank you, Baldrick.- Thank you, Mr Frou.

0:17:14 > 0:17:17- Ah! The Pimpernel! - Hurray!

0:17:17 > 0:17:20No, the Ambassador, hurray.

0:17:21 > 0:17:25Hmm, I've got nothing to do...

0:17:25 > 0:17:28so I think I will torture...

0:17:28 > 0:17:31YOU, aristo mongrel!

0:17:31 > 0:17:35Mongrel? Ha! Go ahead, proletarian SKUNK !

0:17:35 > 0:17:39Skunk? Ha! You aristo happypotomus!

0:17:39 > 0:17:41Happypotomus? Ha! We'll see...

0:17:41 > 0:17:48I'm glad to say I don't think you'll be needing those pills, Mr B.

0:17:48 > 0:17:53Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words, "I have a plan"

0:17:53 > 0:17:56marching into this conversation?

0:17:56 > 0:18:03- They certainly are! - Your record in this department is not exactly 100%.

0:18:03 > 0:18:07- So what's the plan? - We do NOTHING.

0:18:07 > 0:18:10Yep, it's another world-beater.

0:18:10 > 0:18:13Wait, I haven't finished.

0:18:13 > 0:18:19We do nothing until...our heads have actually been cut off.

0:18:20 > 0:18:23And then we spring into action?

0:18:23 > 0:18:31- Exactly! You know how when you cut a chicken's head off, it runs round the farmyard?- Ye-es...?

0:18:31 > 0:18:36Well, when OUR heads have been cut off, we run round the farmyard,

0:18:36 > 0:18:41out the farm gate and escape. What do you think?

0:18:41 > 0:18:46My opinion is difficult to express in words. I'll put it this way...

0:18:47 > 0:18:51Well, the Scarlet Pimpernel will save us, anyway.

0:18:51 > 0:18:57No, he won't! Either I think of an idea, or tomorrow we die...

0:18:57 > 0:19:02which I have no intention of doing. I want to be young and wild,

0:19:02 > 0:19:07then middle-aged and rich, then old and pretending to be deaf.

0:19:09 > 0:19:12Just be quiet and let me think.

0:19:13 > 0:19:18- I can't sleep, Mr Blackadder. - I said, shut UP !

0:19:18 > 0:19:24Just think, the Scarlet Pimpernel will be here any moment!

0:19:24 > 0:19:26I wish you'd forget this fantasy.

0:19:26 > 0:19:34Anyway, the guards would be woken by the noise as he squeezes his swollen head through the door.

0:19:34 > 0:19:41- I couldn't sleep when I was little. - You still are little. - Well, when I was even littler.

0:19:41 > 0:19:44We used to live in a haunted hovel.

0:19:44 > 0:19:50Every night my family were troubled by this disgusting ghoul.

0:19:50 > 0:19:54It was terrible. First there was this unholy smell,

0:19:54 > 0:20:01then this tiny, clammy, hairy creature would materialise in the bed between them.

0:20:01 > 0:20:05Fortunately, I could never see it.

0:20:05 > 0:20:12Tell me, Baldrick, when you left home, did this repulsive entity mysteriously disappear?

0:20:12 > 0:20:18- Yes, that very day.- Then that mystery is solved. Now, shut up.

0:20:18 > 0:20:25I must THINK, or tomorrow we meet our Maker...in my case, God; in your case, God knows.

0:20:25 > 0:20:30But I'd be surprised if He's won any design awards.

0:20:30 > 0:20:33- Ah! I've thought of a plan.- Hurray!

0:20:33 > 0:20:38- Also, I know how to get you to sleep...- BOOTS HIM - Owf!

0:20:39 > 0:20:43Good morning, scum. Did you sleep well?

0:20:43 > 0:20:49Like a top. And you must be thirsty after your long night's brutality.

0:20:49 > 0:20:53- A drink?- No. Not while I'm on duty.

0:20:53 > 0:20:56Oh... Perhaps later?

0:20:56 > 0:20:59For you, m'sieur, there is no later.

0:20:59 > 0:21:05Gentleman, I am proud to introduce France's most veecious woman...

0:21:05 > 0:21:11Will you please welcome... Madame Guillotine herself!!

0:21:12 > 0:21:16TERRIBLE SHRIEKING LAUGHTER

0:21:17 > 0:21:20Are these the Engleesh PEEGS ?!

0:21:20 > 0:21:24- Yes, that's us. - Leave them with me!

0:21:24 > 0:21:31I intend to torture them in a way so GHASTLY, even YOU won't be able to stand it!

0:21:31 > 0:21:35I'll be all right. No, you will be SICK !

0:21:35 > 0:21:41What if I just leave if I feel queasy? You will be sick immediately!

0:21:41 > 0:21:46What if I'm sick quietly in a bag? What is in your mind?

0:21:46 > 0:21:48WHISPERS

0:21:52 > 0:21:55SO...scum...

0:21:55 > 0:21:58prepare to be in PA-A-AIN !!

0:21:58 > 0:22:04Yes, certainly. But first, perhaps, a toast to your beauty.

0:22:05 > 0:22:07Oh, thank you! OK!

0:22:11 > 0:22:16- So you were expecting to be rescued, ha?- Some bloody hope!

0:22:16 > 0:22:22- ENGLISH ACCENT: On the contrary, I'm sorry I'm so late!- What?!

0:22:22 > 0:22:25- Yes, I have come to free you! - Hooray!

0:22:25 > 0:22:28Smedley! I thought you were thick!

0:22:28 > 0:22:36No. Just a dem fine actor! Thank God I got here before you took any of those awful suicide pills!

0:22:37 > 0:22:44I suppose if someone had taken one and wished that he hadn't, he'd be able to do something about it?

0:22:44 > 0:22:50No, they're very odd things. The symptoms are most peculiar.

0:22:50 > 0:22:54First of all, the victims become very depressed...

0:22:54 > 0:22:59Oh, God...! This whole revolution is SO depressing!

0:22:59 > 0:23:03And I'm SO lonely and nobody loves me.

0:23:03 > 0:23:09- Then comes death?- No! Then comes the loss of temper, you BASTARD !

0:23:09 > 0:23:12- What are YOU staring at?!- Ooh!

0:23:12 > 0:23:15And THEN death?

0:23:15 > 0:23:20No! After the temper, comes the um...er...

0:23:20 > 0:23:25- Forgetfulness?- That's it. The, er...- Forgetfulness.

0:23:25 > 0:23:30Right in the middle of a thingy, you completely forget what...

0:23:30 > 0:23:33Oh, nice pair of shoes!

0:23:33 > 0:23:35THEN you die?

0:23:35 > 0:23:40Oh, no, I forgot one! Then comes a moment of exquisite happiness!

0:23:40 > 0:23:45Jumping up and down, waving your arms, knowing that we'll be FREE !

0:23:45 > 0:23:49- Free! FREE !- And then death?

0:23:49 > 0:23:52No, you jump in a corner first...

0:23:53 > 0:23:59- Hurray! It's the Scarlet Pimpernel! - Yes, Baldrick.- And you killed him!

0:23:59 > 0:24:04Yes, Baldrick. What's the point of being the Scarlet Pimpernel

0:24:04 > 0:24:07if you fall for the poison routine?

0:24:07 > 0:24:11Scarlet Pimpernel?! Scarlet GIT!!

0:24:11 > 0:24:19- But here's our chance to escape. - What about Mr Frou?- I wouldn't pick my nose to save Frou Frou!

0:24:19 > 0:24:25- Oh... Ah, Frou Frou, my old friend! What are you doing here?- I escaped.

0:24:25 > 0:24:28- What happened?- Er, nothing.

0:24:28 > 0:24:35- I thought the Scarlet Pimpernel might have saved you. - Ha ha ha!- Ha ha ha!

0:24:37 > 0:24:41Ah, chaps! Just trying on my new trousers!

0:24:41 > 0:24:47I return, sir, with one top French aristocrat fresh from the Bastille.

0:24:47 > 0:24:51Pleased to meet you, monsieur. Do sit down.

0:24:51 > 0:24:55Shame about the revolutionary caper.

0:24:55 > 0:24:57So, how did you get him out?

0:24:57 > 0:25:03Sir, it is a heroic tale of courage which I hesitate to tell myself...

0:25:03 > 0:25:05I could try.

0:25:05 > 0:25:13We left England in good weather, but in Dover Harbour, we were struck by a tidal wave,

0:25:13 > 0:25:18and I swam to Boulogne with Baldrick in my trousers.

0:25:18 > 0:25:21Then we were taken to Paris,

0:25:21 > 0:25:27where I was hung by my testicles to the walls of the Bastille.

0:25:27 > 0:25:30Then I decided I'd had enough.

0:25:30 > 0:25:32Bravo!

0:25:32 > 0:25:36So I rescued the Compte, killed the guards, ran to Versailles,

0:25:36 > 0:25:44where I climbed into Robespierre's bedroom, leaving him a small tray of milk chocolates and a rude note.

0:25:44 > 0:25:47The rest...was easy.

0:25:47 > 0:25:51An incredible story! Worthy of the Scarlet Pimpernel!

0:25:51 > 0:25:54Well, I wouldn't know...

0:25:54 > 0:25:59I, on the other hand, would, because, you see, sir...

0:26:04 > 0:26:08- I- am the Scarlet Pimpernel!

0:26:08 > 0:26:11Oh-oh...

0:26:11 > 0:26:15- Good Lord! Topper! - Yes, your Highness.

0:26:15 > 0:26:21But egads, by jingo with dumplings and a good helping of sprouts!

0:26:21 > 0:26:25You single-handedly saved all those Frenchies?!

0:26:25 > 0:26:31Not quite single-handedly, sir. I operate with my friend, Smedley.

0:26:31 > 0:26:36But he seems to have disappeared, slightly mysteriously.

0:26:36 > 0:26:39- (Shut up!- Yes, Mr Blackadder.)

0:26:39 > 0:26:43So Blackadder rescued the Scarlet Pimpernel?

0:26:43 > 0:26:45- No, sir. He did not.- Eh?

0:26:45 > 0:26:51Prepare yourself for a story of deceit that will make your stomach turn.

0:26:51 > 0:26:54Oh, this is interesting, isn't it?

0:26:56 > 0:27:04Not only that, but I trust it will lead to the imprisonment of a man who is a liar, a bounder and a cad.

0:27:06 > 0:27:11We hate liars, bounders and cads, don't we?

0:27:11 > 0:27:13Generally speaking, yes, sir.

0:27:13 > 0:27:21But perhaps before Lord Topper talks, he might like some wine? He's looking shaken.

0:27:21 > 0:27:24Shaken, but not stirred.

0:27:25 > 0:27:31It all began last week. I was in Mrs Miggins' coffee shop when...

0:27:31 > 0:27:34Oh, GOD...!

0:27:34 > 0:27:37All this treachery is SO depressing!

0:27:38 > 0:27:44The whole thing makes you incredibly ANGRY !! It makes you want to...

0:27:45 > 0:27:48Nice waistcoat, your Majesty.

0:27:48 > 0:27:52Er, sorry, I've forgotten what I was talking about...

0:27:52 > 0:27:55A story of dishonour and deceit.

0:27:55 > 0:28:00Oh, yes, that's a GREAT story! Great! A WONDERFUL story!

0:28:00 > 0:28:04Let me jump into this corner first.

0:28:05 > 0:28:12Roast my raisins! He's popped it! Do you think he really WAS the Scarlet Pimpernel?

0:28:12 > 0:28:18Judging from the ridiculous manner of his death, I would say he was.

0:28:18 > 0:28:22Shame. I wanted to give him this enormous postal order.

0:28:22 > 0:28:27Please, sir, let me finish. I would say that he was...n't.

0:28:27 > 0:28:33You see, the Scarlet Pimpernel would NEVER reveal his identity.

0:28:33 > 0:28:38So you're looking for a man who's just rescued a French aristocrat,

0:28:38 > 0:28:45but if asked, "Are you the Scarlet Pimpernel?" he replies, "Absolutely not!"

0:28:45 > 0:28:51But, Blackadder, YOU'VE just been to France to rescue an aristocrat!

0:28:51 > 0:28:55Oh, Blackadder, are YOU the Scarlet Pimpernel?

0:28:55 > 0:28:58Absolutely NOT, sir.

0:29:00 > 0:29:02Hooray!

0:29:45 > 0:29:49Subtitles by Gillian Spence, BBC Scotland - 1987