0:00:08 > 0:00:12The colours are:
0:00:14 > 0:00:18- Edmund Blackadder...- YELLOW
0:00:18 > 0:00:22- Baldrick...- GREEN
0:00:22 > 0:00:26- Prince George...- CYAN
0:00:35 > 0:00:42- Oh, Mr Blackadder...- Leave me alone! If I'd wanted to talk to a vegetable I'd have bought one.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46- Don't you want this message? - No, thank you.
0:00:46 > 0:00:54It's no life for a noble to serve a master with a walrus's intellect and the social graces of a potty.
0:00:55 > 0:01:01- I'm wasted, too. I'm thinking of bettering myself.- Really how?
0:01:01 > 0:01:06- I applied for the job of village idiot of Kensington.- Get anywhere?
0:01:06 > 0:01:10- I failed the final interview. - What went wrong?
0:01:10 > 0:01:15I turned up the other idiot forgot to!
0:01:15 > 0:01:19I'm afraid my ambitions stretch somewhat further.
0:01:19 > 0:01:25I want to be remembered. I want books written about me and songs sung about me.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Hundreds of years on, I want episodes from my life
0:01:29 > 0:01:34to be played out weekly by some great heroic actor of the age.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39And I could be played by some tiny tit in a beard.
0:01:39 > 0:01:47- What's this message?- I thought you didn't want it?- It depends... - So you DO want it?- It depends...
0:01:47 > 0:01:54- You didn't want to know. Now- I- don't know where I live or what my name is.
0:01:54 > 0:02:00Your name is of no importance and you live in the pipe upstairs in the WC.
0:02:00 > 0:02:08- Did you get this from a red-headed lunatic with a kilt and claymore? - Yeah. He looked exactly like you!
0:02:08 > 0:02:14My mad cousin MacAdder. The most dangerous man ever to wear a skirt in Europe!
0:02:14 > 0:02:22- He come in 'ere playing bagpipes, made a haggis, sang Auld Lang Syne and punched me in the face.- Why?
0:02:22 > 0:02:29- I called him a Scottish pillock. - Unwise, Baldrick. MacAdder is a homicidal maniac.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32My mother said to stand up to them.
0:02:32 > 0:02:39If this is the mother who claims you are a tall, handsome stallion of a man
0:02:39 > 0:02:43- I'd treat her opinions with caution. - I love my Mum.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47I love chops and sauce, but I don't seek their advice!
0:02:47 > 0:02:54I HATE MacAdder. He's a frog-eyed, beetle-browed, basket-case!
0:02:54 > 0:03:00- He's your spitting image. - He's NOT ! We're like dissimilar things in a pod.
0:03:00 > 0:03:05What's the old tartan throwback banging on about this time?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08"Have come south for rebellion...
0:03:08 > 0:03:16"Staying with Miggins... The time has come... Best sword in Scotland. Insurrection...blood...
0:03:16 > 0:03:22"..Large bowl of porridge... ..rightful claim to throne..." He's mad!
0:03:22 > 0:03:28He's madder than Mad Jack McMad, the winner of last year's "Mr Madman" competition!
0:03:28 > 0:03:33- DING-A-LING-A-LING > - Ah, the walrus awakes!
0:03:33 > 0:03:38Ah...Blackadder... Notice anything...unusual ?
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Yes, sir. It's 11.30am and you're moving about!
0:03:42 > 0:03:49- Is the bed on fire?- I wouldn't know. I've been out ALL night.
0:03:49 > 0:03:54Guess what I'VE been doing! G-R-R-R-R-R-R-R !!
0:03:54 > 0:03:59- Beagling, sir (?) - Better even than that!
0:03:59 > 0:04:04- I've had the most wonderful evening of my life!- Tell me all, sir (!)
0:04:04 > 0:04:10When I set out, I looked divine. At the party, as I passed, all eyes turned.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14- And a few stomachs!- That's right.
0:04:14 > 0:04:22And then these two RAVISHING beauties came to me and whispered in my ear that they loved me.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25What happened when you woke up?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28This was no dream, Blackadder.
0:04:28 > 0:04:33Soon I was in a coach, flying through London to the ladies' home.
0:04:33 > 0:04:40Was this a ladies' home for the elderly or the mentally disadvantaged?
0:04:40 > 0:04:44This was Apsley House. You know it?
0:04:44 > 0:04:49It's the Duke of Wellington's. I fancy they would be his nieces.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53You fancy them too! I don't blame you.
0:04:53 > 0:04:58I spent a night of ecstasy with a pair of Wellingtons!
0:04:58 > 0:05:07The Iron Duke has said he will kill, in cold blood, anyone taking sexual advantage of his relatives.
0:05:07 > 0:05:14- He's fighting the French in Spain. He'll never know.- Wellington triumphed 6 months ago!- I'm dead!
0:05:14 > 0:05:19- It would seem so, sir. - I haven't a prayer!
0:05:19 > 0:05:25Against throat-slasher Wellington, His Majesty's finest blade? No.
0:05:25 > 0:05:31- Then I shall flee. How's your French?- Parfait, but France isn't far enough.
0:05:32 > 0:05:37- How's your Mongolian!?- Mmm... Chang-ha-tang...moto-moto.
0:05:37 > 0:05:42But Wellington and the Chief Mongol were at Eton together.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46- I'm doomed! Doomed as a dodo! - KNOCK KNOCK
0:05:46 > 0:05:49My God! He's here already!
0:05:49 > 0:05:55Forgive me, Your Grace. I was a mad, sexually over-active fool.
0:05:55 > 0:06:02- Sir, it's Baldrick. You're safe... - Hoorah!- ..Until 6pm tonight! - Huroo!
0:06:02 > 0:06:06"From Supreme Commander, Allied Forces, Europe...
0:06:06 > 0:06:12"Sir, when a man soils a Wellington he puts his foot in it.
0:06:12 > 0:06:19"This is not a joke. I do not find my name remotely funny and people who do end up dead.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24"I challenge you to a duel in which you will die.
0:06:24 > 0:06:29"Apologies for your impending death. Duke of Wellington."
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Sounds polite.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- HE SOBS - Don't worry, sir, please.
0:06:35 > 0:06:42- Life is filled with pain, misery, hunger and despair.- Not for me, it isn't!
0:06:42 > 0:06:48- It's a big palace full of food and drink!- May I speak, sir?
0:06:48 > 0:06:57Certainly not! The Prince doesn't want to spend his last moments chatting to a certified plum duff!
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Easy! Let's hear him out.
0:06:59 > 0:07:04Very well, Baldrick. We shall hear you out. Speak!
0:07:04 > 0:07:10Your Majesty, I have a cunning plan to get you out of this problem.
0:07:10 > 0:07:17Don't listen, sir. I'll have him shot the moment he's cleared away your breakfast!
0:07:17 > 0:07:22Wait! Perhaps this disgusting creature is a blessing in disguise.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25A very GOOD disguise!
0:07:25 > 0:07:31- Did not Our Lord send an earthworm to comfort Moses in his torment?- No!
0:07:31 > 0:07:36He MIGHT have done. Come on, spotty speak!
0:07:36 > 0:07:41I just thought, this Wellington bloke's been in Europe for years...
0:07:41 > 0:07:49He don't know what you look like, so why not get someone else to fight the duel instead of you?
0:07:49 > 0:07:54- My portrait hangs on every wall. - Answer that, Baldrick.
0:07:54 > 0:08:02My cousin Bert, Mr Gainsborough's butler's dogsbody, says all portraits look the same these days.
0:08:02 > 0:08:09They're an ideal, rather than a depiction of the idiosyncratic facial qualities of the subject.
0:08:10 > 0:08:15Your cousin, Bert, has a larger vocabulary than you do, Baldrick.
0:08:15 > 0:08:22No, he's right, damn him! Anybody could fight the duel. Wellers would never know!
0:08:22 > 0:08:27Someone would have to be willing to commit suicide on your behalf.
0:08:27 > 0:08:33Yes, yes... but he would be fabulously rewarded money, titles, castles...
0:08:33 > 0:08:39- ..a coffin...- I thought Mr Blackadder might fancy the job.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41What a SPLENDID idea!
0:08:41 > 0:08:46Excuse me, Your Highness... Trouble with the staff.
0:08:47 > 0:08:54Baldrick, MUST our valued friendship end with me cutting you into long strips
0:08:54 > 0:09:01and telling the Prince you walked over a sharp cattle grid in a heavy hat?
0:09:01 > 0:09:08You said you wanted to rise again and the Prince is offering you the lot!
0:09:08 > 0:09:12But, tiny brain, the Iron Duke will KILL me.
0:09:12 > 0:09:19I'd have to be some kind of homicidal maniac, fantastic at fighting like MacAdder.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22MacAdder can fight the duel for me!
0:09:23 > 0:09:31My apologies, sir. I've spoken to my insurance people and I'd be delighted to die on your behalf.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35I'm damnably grateful. You won't regret this!
0:09:35 > 0:09:39One point, sir, re the suicide policy...
0:09:39 > 0:09:48..the policyholder must wear a big, red wig and affect a Scottish accent in the combat zone.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Small print, eh?
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Ah, Mrs Miggins...
0:09:55 > 0:10:03..from your look of exhaustion and the porridge on the walls, I assume my cousin has been here.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Indeed, sir! You've just missed him.
0:10:06 > 0:10:11- Did he practise with his claymore? - Ooohhh...I should say so!
0:10:11 > 0:10:18- I feel like a dog that's just climbed Ben Nevis! - A claymore is a sword!
0:10:18 > 0:10:26You see that carving? He whittled that with the tip of his mighty weapon with his eyes closed!
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- Exquisite.- I bit on a plank,
0:10:29 > 0:10:36..there was a whirlwind of steel and soon I had a lovely new set of gnashers!
0:10:36 > 0:10:42Tell him to meet me here at 5pm to discuss an extremely cunning plan.
0:10:42 > 0:10:47By tomorrow, the MacAdder clan will be marching back to glory.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50I'll do you a packed lunch!
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Good news, Your Highness...
0:10:52 > 0:10:59I shall carve the Duke into an attractive piece of furniture with excellent dental work.
0:10:59 > 0:11:05- Your Highness...! - Thank God it's you, Blackadder!
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Wellington's on his way here NOW.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13- The Duke MUST believe from the start that I am you.- Any ideas?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15We must swop clothes.
0:11:15 > 0:11:20Fantastic! Yes, dressing up I LOVE it.
0:11:20 > 0:11:26- It's like that story the Prince and the Porpoise...- The Pauper! - Oh, yes...
0:11:26 > 0:11:31..the Prince and the Porpoise and the Pauper jolly good stuff!
0:11:31 > 0:11:38- Excellent! My own father wouldn't recognise me.- He never can he's mad!- Oh, yes.
0:11:38 > 0:11:45- I shall have to treat you like a servant.- I can cope with that, Blackadder.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49You must call me Your Highness, Your Highness.
0:11:49 > 0:11:54- Your Highness, Your Highness. - Just Your Highness, Your Highness.
0:11:54 > 0:11:59I SAID Your Highness, Your Highness, Your Highness, Your Highness.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Let's leave it. Complicated stuff (!)
0:12:04 > 0:12:10Big Nose is here! But wha-at...? Who-o-o...? Where...? How...?
0:12:10 > 0:12:16Two people you know have swopped coats and you don't know which is which!
0:12:16 > 0:12:20I'm confused. Which of us is Wellington?
0:12:22 > 0:12:27- Wellington is the man at the door. - And the porpoise?
0:12:31 > 0:12:35We'll just have to fill in without him.
0:12:35 > 0:12:41- Sir, if you would let the Duke in... - Certainly, Your Highness, Your Highness.
0:12:41 > 0:12:47- And you'd better get out, too, Baldrick.- Yes, Your Highness, Your Highness.
0:12:47 > 0:12:52If only they had a brain-cell between them!
0:12:52 > 0:12:59- The Duke of Wellington! - Do I address the Prince Regent, sir? - You do.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Your bearing is nobler than I'd been informed.
0:13:03 > 0:13:09- Take my hat at once, or you'll feel my boot in your throat! - Yes, My Lord.
0:13:09 > 0:13:14I'm a Duke! Were you in a dago's dancing class?
0:13:14 > 0:13:20- Shall I thrash him, Your Highness? - He's new. I'm sparing the rod.
0:13:20 > 0:13:27Give 'em an inch and they take a foot and you don't have a leg to stand on. OUT !!
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Now, sir, to business...
0:13:30 > 0:13:36I am informed that your father grows eccentric and believes himself to be...
0:13:36 > 0:13:43"A small village in Lincolnshire with spectacular views of the Nene Valley."
0:13:44 > 0:13:49- I therefore pass my full account of the war onto you.- Thank you.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52"We won." Signed Wellington.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Was there anything else?
0:13:55 > 0:14:00The men had a whip-round and got you this...
0:14:00 > 0:14:05What I mean is I had the men roundly whipped until they got it.
0:14:05 > 0:14:13It has the regimental crest of two crossed dead Frenchmen emblazoned on a mound of dead Frenchmen motif.
0:14:14 > 0:14:21- Thank you. And the other thing? - Your impending death, Highness. - Mind like a sieve.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24I'm looking forward to it.
0:14:24 > 0:14:29We have the finest army and navy in the world. And our royalty...?
0:14:30 > 0:14:38A mad Kraut sausage-sucker and a son who can't keep his sausage to himself The sooner you're dead the better!
0:14:38 > 0:14:45- You're very kind (!)- You'll want the latest news of the war. I have my generals' briefs.
0:14:45 > 0:14:52- Pop them in the laundry basket on the way out. Tea? - Yes. Immediately!
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Now, let's turn to the 2nd front, My Lord.
0:14:56 > 0:15:02Ah, yes. I understand Napoleon is in North Africa and Nelson is in...?
0:15:02 > 0:15:09..Alaska, Your Highness in case Boney tricks us by coming via the North Pole.
0:15:09 > 0:15:17Y-e-s. Perhaps a preferable stratagem might be to harry him as he leaves the Mediterranean.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19..Trafalgar might be a good spot.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22I'll mention it to Nelson.
0:15:22 > 0:15:30I DO regret having to kill you. I'd been told the Prince was a moron.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- No, no.- GEORGE WHISTLES Here's your tiresome servant.
0:15:34 > 0:15:42- Budge up!- HOW DARE YOU SIT IN THE PRESENCE OF YOUR BETTERS ! - I forgot...
0:15:42 > 0:15:49SPEAK WHEN YOU'RE SPOKEN TO ! OR I'LL FLAY YOU ACROSS A GUN CARRIAGE ! WELL ?
0:15:49 > 0:15:54Sir, we no longer treat servants that way in London society.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58- I hardly touched the man! - You hit him very hard.
0:15:58 > 0:16:03NONSENSE ! THAT would have been a hard hit.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I just hit him like that.
0:16:05 > 0:16:11No, sir. A soft hit would be like this, whereas YOU hit him like this.
0:16:17 > 0:16:22I wonder if I might be excused, Your Highness, Your Highness?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Yes, certainly.
0:16:25 > 0:16:33- Sorry about that, sir. Have to keep up the pretence.- Keep up the good work.- Very well, sir.
0:16:33 > 0:16:38HANG ON ! THIS IS BLOODY COFFEE. I ORDERED TEA !
0:16:38 > 0:16:41YOU ARE A CONFOUNDED FOOL.
0:16:41 > 0:16:47I HEARD THE PRINCE WAS THE IMBECILE, BUT BLACKADDER WAS RESPECTED.
0:16:47 > 0:16:52NOW I DISCOVER THE TRUTH, I COULD BEAT YOU TO DEATH. T-E-A-A-A !!
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Do you ever stop shouting at the lower orders?
0:17:02 > 0:17:08NEVER ! YOU WIN A CAMPAIGN BY SHOUTING AND SHOUTING AGAIN !
0:17:08 > 0:17:13You don't think inspired leadership and tactical ability matter?
0:17:13 > 0:17:18N-O-O. IT'S ALL DOWN TO SHOUTING. B-A-A-A-A-A-H-H-H !!
0:17:18 > 0:17:22I hear conditions in your army are appalling.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26I'm sorry, but you'll just have to accept them.
0:17:26 > 0:17:31- Until this evening when I kill you.- I may kill you!
0:17:31 > 0:17:35Nonsense! I've never been scratched.
0:17:35 > 0:17:40My skin is as smooth as a baby's bottom unlike my bottom!
0:17:41 > 0:17:49One point, sir. I should warn you that while duelling, I put on my lucky wig and regimental accent.
0:17:49 > 0:17:56It would take a homicidal maniac with a claymore and a kilt to better me!
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Well, that's handy.
0:18:00 > 0:18:06- I won't leave here till he's OUT of the house!- KNOCK KNOCK >
0:18:06 > 0:18:14- It's alright Your Majesty... I'll see to it.- Hello, I've brought your buns. Where's Mr Blackadder?
0:18:14 > 0:18:22Oh, not upstairs running after that port-swilling, tadpole-brained smelly boots!?
0:18:22 > 0:18:27- I don't know who you mean. - Prince George, Baldrick!
0:18:27 > 0:18:35Mr Blackadder says his boots smell so bad, you'd need your nose amputated before taking them off!
0:18:35 > 0:18:40- As a joke!- You wrote a little poem about him...- I didn't.
0:18:40 > 0:18:48You DID ! "In the winter it's cool, in the summer it's hot, but all year round, Prince George is a clot!"
0:18:49 > 0:18:54- "Lovely..." I said Prince George is lovely!- I'd better be off.
0:18:54 > 0:18:59Tell Mr Blackadder to expect Mr MacAdder at 5pm.
0:18:59 > 0:19:06Once that fat Prussian truffle-pig has his snout wedged into teacakes Grunt, grunt!!
0:19:06 > 0:19:12It must be next door you want, stranger I've never seen before, Mrs Miggins.
0:19:13 > 0:19:21- Baldrick...- Yes, Your Highness? - Did you really write a poem about how lovely I am?
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Y-e-s. And Mr Blackadder loves you too (!)
0:19:28 > 0:19:34- That's very touching. - < CLANG-A-LANG-A-LANG ! - I WISH they wouldn't.
0:19:34 > 0:19:39Goodbye, sir, and may the best man win. I.e., ME !
0:19:39 > 0:19:45- Your tea, sir.- YOU'RE LATE ! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FOR IT INDIA ?
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Or Ceylon!?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52OR CHINA !?
0:19:52 > 0:19:57DON'T show me out I don't want to die of old age!
0:19:57 > 0:20:05- Ah, Miggins, I thought MacAdder was to be here at 5pm? - He's just popped out.
0:20:05 > 0:20:10You look EVER so similar to each other.
0:20:10 > 0:20:16- DID you tell him to be here? - I DID ! You just keep missing each other.
0:20:16 > 0:20:23I'll tell you why it's because there's no coffee shop big enough for TWO Blackadders!
0:20:23 > 0:20:29Ah, cousin MacAdder, I trust you are well ? Aye, well enough!
0:20:29 > 0:20:35And Morag? She bides fine. And the Clan MacAdder?
0:20:35 > 0:20:41They're both well. Jamie and Angus are such fine boys.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Angus is a girl. Of course!
0:20:45 > 0:20:49So, I hear you have a cunning plan?
0:20:49 > 0:20:57I want you to take the place of the Prince Regent and kill the Duke of Wellington in a duel.
0:20:57 > 0:21:03What's in it fur me? Enough cash to buy the Outer Hebrides!
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- - Fourteen shillings and sixpence!
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Tempting! but A've got a better plan...
0:21:09 > 0:21:14I could be the Duke and kill the Prince of Wales,
0:21:14 > 0:21:19then the King and be crowned with the ancient MacAdder stone bonnet!
0:21:19 > 0:21:27And I shall wear the granite gown and limestone bodice of McMiggins and be Queen of all the herds!
0:21:27 > 0:21:30For God's sake you're NOT Rob Roy!
0:21:30 > 0:21:36You're a top kipper salesman for an Aberdeen fishmonger. Don't chuck it!
0:21:36 > 0:21:39The bailiffs will just arrest you.
0:21:39 > 0:21:44Oh, blast! I forgot the bailiffs. Can we return to MY plan?
0:21:44 > 0:21:49I'd rather go to bed with the Loch Lomond monster!
0:21:49 > 0:21:55Besides, I've to be back to shift a difficult bloater for Mr McNulty.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Forget it! I'm off with Miggsie!
0:22:00 > 0:22:08- Y-E-S... Show me the glen where the kipper roams free... And forget Morag for ever!- Never!
0:22:08 > 0:22:13We must return to Scotland and you must fight her in the highland way
0:22:13 > 0:22:20- bare-breasted and each carrying an eight pound baby!- Oh, yes. I LOVE babies!
0:22:20 > 0:22:28I look forward to burying you in the old highland manner. Farewell, Blackadder. You spineless goon!
0:22:29 > 0:22:34Oh, G-o-d... Fortune vomits on my eiderdown once more!
0:22:35 > 0:22:42Ah, Blackadder... It has been a wild afternoon full of strange omens.
0:22:42 > 0:22:50I dreamt a large eagle circled the room 3 times, got into bed with me and took all the blankets.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54Only it WASN'T an eagle, but a large, black snake.
0:22:54 > 0:23:02- Duncan's horses turned and ate each other. Good portents for your duel ?- I'm afraid it's off.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06- Off!?- As in sod. I'm not doing it!
0:23:06 > 0:23:15- By thunder, you will stay and do duty by your Prince, or I'll... - Or WHAT ? You port-brained twerp!
0:23:15 > 0:23:22Even when we were babies, I had to show you which bit of your mother served drinks!
0:23:22 > 0:23:29Oh, please! I don't want to die. I've got so much to give. I want more time.
0:23:29 > 0:23:34A poignant plea, sir. Enough to melt the stoniest of hearts. But the answer remains...
0:23:34 > 0:23:38..you're going to die, fat pig!
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Wait! I'll give you everything!
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- Everything!?- Everything!
0:23:44 > 0:23:52- The money, castles, and jewellery? - Yes.- The artistic, but illegal French lithographs?- Everything!
0:23:52 > 0:23:58- The clock where the man comes out and drops his trousers?- A-alright!
0:23:58 > 0:24:02Alright. I accept. A man may fight for many things...
0:24:02 > 0:24:08..his country, friends, principles, the glistening tear on the cheek of a child.
0:24:08 > 0:24:16- Personally, I'd mud-wrestle my mother for a ton of cash and some French porn. You're on!- Hoorah!
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Now, here's the plan...
0:24:22 > 0:24:29- He offers me the swords, I kick him in the nuts and you set fire to the building. We claim a draw.- Yes.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Ah, let's be about our business.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Don't forget... You...when I...
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Come, sir. Choose your stoker.
0:24:41 > 0:24:47- Are we going to tickle each other to death?- No. We fight with cannon!
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- I thought we fought with swords! - SWORDS !?
0:24:50 > 0:24:57This isn't the Middle Ages. Only GIRLS fight with swords these days!
0:24:57 > 0:25:02- Stand by your gun! Hup, two, three! - Wait a minute...
0:25:02 > 0:25:07STAND BY FOR LOADING PROCEDURE... STOKE ! MUZZLE !
0:25:07 > 0:25:15"Congratulations on choosing the Armstrong-Whitworth 4 pounder cannonette.
0:25:15 > 0:25:21"It should give you years of trouble-free maiming."
0:25:21 > 0:25:25CHECK ELEVATION... CHART TRAJECTORY...
0:25:25 > 0:25:29- Prime fuse! A-I-I-I-M...!! - Wait a minute...
0:25:29 > 0:25:32F-I-I-I-I-I-R-E !!
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Mr B...! Sir, please... Help me get his coat off.
0:25:36 > 0:25:41- It doesn't matter, Baldrick. - It DOES. Blood's hell to shift!
0:25:41 > 0:25:47- You die like a man, sir. In combat. - You think so?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Dammit, when will the killing end?
0:25:50 > 0:25:58You don't think I, too, dream of peace? That I yearn to end this damn dirty job of soldiering?
0:25:58 > 0:26:03Frankly, no! My final wish is that Baldrick be sold
0:26:03 > 0:26:07to fund a Blackadder Foundation for peace,
0:26:07 > 0:26:12and the invention of a machine for cleaning shoes.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Also, I charge... Ugh...!
0:26:15 > 0:26:17His Highness is dead.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Actually, I'm not sure I am!
0:26:20 > 0:26:26That cigarillo box you gave me was exactly where the cannonball struck!
0:26:26 > 0:26:29I SAID smoking was good for you!
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Ooohhh... Honour is satisfied!
0:26:34 > 0:26:38God has preserved you for greatness! You are saved! H-U-R-R-A-H !
0:26:39 > 0:26:44Actually, it's me. I'm His Highness. Well done, Bladders!
0:26:44 > 0:26:51- WHAT IN THE NAME OF BONAPARTE IS HE DOING ?- I AM the Prince. It was all larks.
0:26:51 > 0:26:57- Uncommon fine larks!- I HAVE NEVER ENCOUNTERED SUCH INSOLENCE.
0:26:57 > 0:27:04YOUR MASTER SURVIVES AND YOU CHEEK HIM LIKE A FRENCH WHOOPSIE. I CANNOT CONTAIN MYSELF.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07BANG !
0:27:07 > 0:27:14I...die... I hope men will say of me that...I... did duty by my country.
0:27:14 > 0:27:20- If I were you, sir, I'd try for something more realistic.- Like what?
0:27:20 > 0:27:24That men think of you as a bit of a thicky?
0:27:24 > 0:27:28Alright. Tood-i-loo, everyone.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Kneel for the King of England! >
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Somebody told me my son vas here...
0:27:33 > 0:27:41I veesh heem to marry zees rosebush and I vant to make zee arrangements.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Here I am...Daddy.
0:27:46 > 0:27:51This is the Iron Duke, who commands your forces.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54I recognise zee enormous conk!
0:27:54 > 0:27:56He's a hero!
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Bravo!
0:27:58 > 0:28:05For zee first time in my life I have a real, fatherly feeling about you.
0:28:05 > 0:28:11People may say I am stark, raving mad and say "Penguin" after each sentence...
0:28:11 > 0:28:15But I believe vee two can make Britain great...
0:28:15 > 0:28:22- You as the Prince Regent and I as King Penguin! - Well, let's hope, eh?
0:28:22 > 0:28:27My Lord, will you dine with us? We have a lot to thank you for.
0:28:27 > 0:28:33With pleasure. Your father may be mad, but you could make a fine King.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Und eine wunderbare Hochzeit!
0:28:36 > 0:28:41Oh, and Baldrick... Clear away that dead butler, will you?
0:28:43 > 0:28:50A new star in Heaven tonight. A new freckle on the nose of the giant pixie.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Um, no, Baldrick. I'm not dead.
0:28:53 > 0:28:57You see, I had a cigarillo box, too. Look...
0:28:57 > 0:29:01Oh, damn! I must have left it on the dresser.
0:29:38 > 0:29:43Subtitles by Charlie Menzies BBC Scotland, 1987