0:00:03 > 0:00:06In the reign of good Queen Vic,
0:00:06 > 0:00:10there stood in Dumpling Lane in London
0:00:10 > 0:00:15the moustache shop of one Ebenezer Blackadder.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19He was the kindest and loveliest man in all England.
0:00:20 > 0:00:25# He's kind and generous to the sick,
0:00:25 > 0:00:31# He'd never spread a nasty rumour.
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# He never gets on people's wick,
0:00:36 > 0:00:40# And doesn't laugh at toilet humour.
0:00:40 > 0:00:46# Blackadder, Blackadder,
0:00:46 > 0:00:51# He's sickeningly good,
0:00:51 > 0:00:56# Blackadder, Blackadder,
0:00:56 > 0:01:02# As nice as Christmas pud. #
0:01:04 > 0:01:06- <- Humbug! Humbug!
0:01:07 > 0:01:12- Humbug, Mr Baldrick? - Oh, thank you very much.
0:01:13 > 0:01:19- I've got all the presents. - And I've nearly finished the cards. - Splendid!
0:01:19 > 0:01:24"A very messy Christmas!" Sorry, but shouldn't that be "merry"?
0:01:24 > 0:01:29"A merry messy Christmas?" OK, but the main thing is that it's messy:
0:01:29 > 0:01:33messy, wet kisses under the mistletoe.
0:01:33 > 0:01:38I fear, Mr Baldrick, that the only way YOU'LL get a messy, wet kiss
0:01:38 > 0:01:42is to make a pass at a water closet!
0:01:44 > 0:01:51Be that as it may... "A merry messy Christmas"... Christmas has an 'H' in it!
0:01:51 > 0:01:54And an 'R'.
0:01:54 > 0:02:00..And an 'I', an 'S', a 'T'... Also an 'A' and another 'S'!
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Oh, and you've missed out the 'C'!
0:02:04 > 0:02:11Well done! You must be the first person ever to get none of the letters right!
0:02:12 > 0:02:19- I've been busy with the workhouse nativity play. - Oh, how did it go?- Not very well.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22The baby playing Jesus died!
0:02:22 > 0:02:30This high infant mortality rate is a real devil when it comes to staging quality children's theatre!
0:02:30 > 0:02:34- What did you do?- Got another. - Good! Who?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Spot.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41There weren't any kids, so we got a dog.
0:02:41 > 0:02:50I'm not sure Christianity would have gained such a grip, if all Jesus had ever said was "woof"!
0:02:50 > 0:02:55Well, it went all right until the shepherds came on.
0:02:55 > 0:03:01- We didn't have any sheep, so we'd stuck some wool on...- More dogs! - Well, yeah.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05The moment Jesus got a whiff of 'em, he's away!
0:03:05 > 0:03:10While the angel's singing "Goodwill to all men",
0:03:10 > 0:03:15Jesus is trying to get one of the sheep to give him a piggy-back!
0:03:16 > 0:03:21Hardly appropriate for the Son of God! Were the children upset?
0:03:21 > 0:03:29- No! They loved it! - The playful young scamps, eh? Still...
0:03:29 > 0:03:37..what a lovely thought - at this moment, all over the land, from the lowest to the highest,
0:03:37 > 0:03:43to the charming plump people in the middle, everyone is enjoying Christmas.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50What are you doing, Albert?
0:03:50 > 0:03:51Nothing!
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Yes, you are, you naughty German sausage!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- Tell me!- I'm not doing anything!
0:03:58 > 0:04:03Ven you are ruling India, you don't tell me vot you are doing.
0:04:03 > 0:04:09So I von't tell you what I'm doing wrapping up zis cushion.
0:04:09 > 0:04:16- Damn! Now I have only two surprises for you.- Don't worry, I don't mind. - But- I- do!
0:04:16 > 0:04:20I LOVE surprises!
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Christmas without surprises
0:04:23 > 0:04:27is like ze nuts without a nutcracker.
0:04:27 > 0:04:32Which is why I've bought you zis surprise nutcracker... Damn!
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Damn!!
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Oh, darling Bo-Bo, don't worry!
0:04:38 > 0:04:45- Besides, haven't you forgotten something?- What?- Our traditional Christmas adventure!
0:04:45 > 0:04:50Of course! Our traditional Christmas adventure! ..Vat adventure?
0:04:50 > 0:04:59You silly soldier! When we disguise ourselves and go out to reward the virtuous and the good!
0:04:59 > 0:05:03Of course! Dummkopf! How could I forget?
0:05:04 > 0:05:11It is for precisely such an outing zat I have bought you my final surprise -
0:05:11 > 0:05:14zis muff, which I am going to...
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Damn!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Damn!!
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Da...
0:05:20 > 0:05:28Excellent! What a splendid spread! Turkey and presents - what more could you want at Christmas?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- A tree!- Of course! I quite forgot.
0:05:31 > 0:05:38I dropped in on Mr Thicktwistle's Garden Emporium, and got quite a bargain...
0:05:40 > 0:05:43..on this special Christmas twig.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46It's a bit of a tiddler.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Yes, but size isn't important.
0:05:49 > 0:05:54It's not what you've got, it's where you stick it! Besides...
0:05:54 > 0:06:01- ..we've got a whole year's profits to spend on fun and larks. - How much?- £17 Os 1d.
0:06:01 > 0:06:09- It'd be more, if you didn't give so much away.- But in the "feeling-good" ledger of life, we're rich indeed!
0:06:09 > 0:06:14AND in the "bit-short-of-pressies- and-gullible-prat" ledger, too!
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- < DING-A-LING - Bless my toes!
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Who could that be? ..Mrs Scratchit!
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Greetings on this merry night!
0:06:24 > 0:06:27O-h-h-h, Mr Blackadder!
0:06:27 > 0:06:32Merry? We'll 'ave nothing to eat on Christmas day!
0:06:32 > 0:06:36..'Cept what's under Grandad's toenails!
0:06:38 > 0:06:41No goose for Tiny Tom this year!
0:06:41 > 0:06:46Mrs Scratchit, Tiny Tom is 15st, and built like a brick privy!
0:06:46 > 0:06:51If he eats any more, he'll turn into a pie shop!
0:06:53 > 0:06:56There must be something we can do.
0:06:56 > 0:07:02- Those matches are just what I need. What did they cost?- A quid a match.
0:07:02 > 0:07:09- I suspect that to be a lie of sorts. - No-o-o! Oh-h-h... - But it's Christmas eve...
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Here, take ten pounds!
0:07:11 > 0:07:15So you don't want all 17 of them?
0:07:15 > 0:07:20You have the body of a weak woman, but the mind of a criminal genius!
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Here, £17!
0:07:22 > 0:07:27- Lovely!- And my best wishes to your massive offspring!
0:07:28 > 0:07:36So we had £17 0s 1d, and we gave Mrs Scratchit £17, so that leaves...
0:07:36 > 0:07:41Yes, come on, Mr Baldrick. £17 0s 1d minus £17 leaves...
0:07:43 > 0:07:46£38 8s 4d.
0:07:46 > 0:07:52- Not bad! The answer is, in fact, a penny. - DOOR OPENS
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Merry Christmas eve, Mr Slackbladder!
0:07:55 > 0:07:58And to you, young urchin!
0:07:58 > 0:08:02A penny for Christmas, sucker... er, sir?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- Wa-a-a-a-a-h!!- Well, certainly.
0:08:05 > 0:08:12- Going to buy some cake for your silver-haired mother? - Sod that, I'm getting some gin!
0:08:12 > 0:08:19They grow up so fast these days, bless 'em! Well, another year without profit!
0:08:19 > 0:08:24Still, it IS Christmas, and let us remember, Mr Baldrick,
0:08:24 > 0:08:29that be we as stony as a rock, it is the season of goodwill.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33- We've got nuts, turkey... - SCREECHING CACKLE >
0:08:34 > 0:08:37..and my god-daughter, Millicent!
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Secure the ornaments, and let her in!
0:08:40 > 0:08:43So, all the presents are ready:
0:08:43 > 0:08:49gloves for Mr Baldrick, a scarf for me, and a hat for Millicent.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52To what do I owe this great pleasure?
0:08:52 > 0:08:56I just thought I'd pop by on the off-chance...
0:08:56 > 0:09:01..Christmas being a time connected with presents!
0:09:01 > 0:09:06- Indeed! And look, a lovely hat for my dear god-daughter.- Thanks!
0:09:06 > 0:09:11Oh, and look! A scarf and a pair of gloves to match!
0:09:11 > 0:09:14That's not bad, I suppose!
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Yes, jolly good!
0:09:17 > 0:09:22I can't stop, but I thought I might come back tomorrow - at lunchtime.
0:09:22 > 0:09:29- Splendid! - I'll bring my teensy boyfriend, so cook an extra turkey.
0:09:29 > 0:09:34- Thanks for all the pressies! - Why not take the flippin' tree(?)
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Oh! You ARE sweet!
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Bye! SHE CACKLES
0:09:39 > 0:09:45- Bye! My, what a jolly young girl! - Yeah. Pity she nicked the presents!
0:09:45 > 0:09:51Yes, but I thought you and I would be spoiled with the turkey and ALL these nuts!
0:09:51 > 0:09:56- < DING-A-LING - Peel my tangerines!
0:09:56 > 0:10:01Ah, Beadle! Charmed, honoured and lovelied!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Get back!
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Compliments of the gorging season to you.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10And fat tums to all men!
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Yes. What of your orphan charges?
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Well, I don't think I charges 'em enough, actually!
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Luckily, you make up the difference.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24They'll be visiting you with a surprise tomorrow.
0:10:24 > 0:10:29Perhaps another little rendition of "God rest ye merry, Mr Blackadder"?
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Not for me to say, sir.
0:10:32 > 0:10:38All I know is that we've managed to eat all our nuts before the big day.
0:10:38 > 0:10:44- What luck! As fate would have it, we have some. Help yourselves. - No, sir, I couldn't.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48Is this all? I suppose it'll do.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50See you tomorrow!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53What a jolly fellow!
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Looked like a fat git to me!
0:10:56 > 0:11:02Well, yes. But you mustn't judge people from outward appearances.
0:11:02 > 0:11:08- Strip away the outer layers of a fat git, and you'll find... - A thin git!
0:11:08 > 0:11:13- Those orphans were fat, too. - Well, there's some truth there.
0:11:13 > 0:11:19When I visit, I do tend to remove sharp objects for fear of bursting one of them,
0:11:19 > 0:11:22..and getting showered in pie!
0:11:23 > 0:11:26But as long as they're happy.
0:11:26 > 0:11:32We've still got the turkey, and Christmas is a time for miracles.
0:11:32 > 0:11:38If we screw up our eyes and pray to the big pink pixie in the sky,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41someone might come and reward us.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Dear, innocent Mr Baldrick!
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- < DING-A-LING-A-LING - See!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Well! Baste my steaming puddings!
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- Ah, good evening!- Good evening!
0:11:57 > 0:12:01We have come on a mission to reward the virtuous.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Good heavens!
0:12:03 > 0:12:07We have heard many stories of your kindness.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11- Oh, well, one tries! - So, please...- Yes?
0:12:11 > 0:12:19- Give us £10 for the virtuous lady next door.- We'd love to oblige, but sadly, we've nothing to give.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23- Nothing? What about a goose? - Oh, Albert!
0:12:25 > 0:12:28We've only got a turkey, see.
0:12:28 > 0:12:33- That sounds ideal!- Oh... - Well, there's a bit of luck!
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Mr Baldrick, fetch the turkey.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40Your accent tells me you're not from round here.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Ah! Nein...
0:12:43 > 0:12:46I am from Glasgow.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50A fine city! I love the Gorbals.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55Ah, yes! I love ze Gorbals, too. Lovely couple - lots of fun!
0:12:56 > 0:13:01- Bye-bye, birdy! - Very well done! Good evening.
0:13:01 > 0:13:06- Good evening!- If I see ze Gorbals, I give them your regards.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Oh, dear. It looks as though we're in for a thin Christmas!
0:13:15 > 0:13:20Don't worry. I've hung up my sock for Santa.
0:13:20 > 0:13:28If there's one thing guaranteed to stop Santa coming, it's your sock waiting for him there.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32If I don't hang my sock out, how will Santa fill it?
0:13:32 > 0:13:38If you do hang it out, Santa will be dead before he gets near it!
0:13:38 > 0:13:42- Don't you have any others? - I've got one other!
0:13:42 > 0:13:48Oh, take one of mine from the linen cupboard, dear chap. I'm off to bed.
0:13:48 > 0:13:55- There's nothing to stay up for. Goodnight.- Night, night. Oh, I forgot...
0:13:55 > 0:14:02When you were out there, this enormous ghostly creature came in, saying,
0:14:02 > 0:14:06"Tonight you'll receive a terrible visitation!"
0:14:08 > 0:14:14It come through the wall, said its piece, then sodded off.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Oh, fine! Goodnight!
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Goodnight!
0:14:27 > 0:14:31< Whoo-oo-oo-oo-oh!
0:14:31 > 0:14:34< Wh-oa-oa-oa-oah!
0:14:35 > 0:14:37CRASH!!
0:14:37 > 0:14:41GR-RR-ROO-OO-OOA-RR!!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44W-OO-AH-AH-AAH!!
0:14:44 > 0:14:47ERGH! ..ERGH!
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Woo-aah-aah!
0:14:51 > 0:14:54La-aa-oo-aah! Ha!
0:14:54 > 0:14:59- Can I help? - No, thanks, no, no!
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Spirit of Christmas, how do you do?
0:15:02 > 0:15:08Just doing the rounds. Getting misers to change their evil ways.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12But there'll be no need for that here!
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Cheery-bye!
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Some tea, perhaps?
0:15:17 > 0:15:21You wouldn't have anything more... medicinal?
0:15:21 > 0:15:26I've only got some of the nurse's surgical bruise lotion.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Nothing but the best at this house, eh?
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Delicious!
0:15:35 > 0:15:41It's a nice change from misers. You know him across the road?
0:15:41 > 0:15:49I caught him trying to cut down on his heating bills by using his John Thomas as a draught excluder!
0:15:50 > 0:15:54- Oh, dear... Old people today! - Huh!
0:15:54 > 0:15:57How do you get them to change?
0:15:57 > 0:16:03It's all visions these days, though we used to use line drawings.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07- What sort of thing? - It depends, really.
0:16:07 > 0:16:12For some, it's just a glimpse of their behaviour at school...
0:16:12 > 0:16:16Others get shown how rotten their ancestors were.
0:16:16 > 0:16:22For YOUR ancestors, it would have to be the full one-hour vision, with ice creams!
0:16:22 > 0:16:26- That bad, eh? - Did nobody tell you?
0:16:26 > 0:16:30Stinkers! Perhaps you'd like to see...
0:16:30 > 0:16:33B-lul-lul-lul-lul...
0:16:33 > 0:16:36B-loo-loo-loo-loo-loo-loo...
0:16:42 > 0:16:49Come on, my lord, give it a pull. You know you want to! It'll be ever so exciting!
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- Oh, God! - PLOP
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Yes, terrifying(!)
0:16:56 > 0:17:04Look, there's a gift inside. It's a novelty death warrant, and you give it to a friend.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Ah! Just what I've always wanted!
0:17:07 > 0:17:11- You got anything for me? - It's nothing, really.- Sir!
0:17:11 > 0:17:14No, really, it's NOTHING!
0:17:14 > 0:17:17I spent all I had on this.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22She'd better bloody like it. She dropped enough hints.
0:17:22 > 0:17:27She's as subtle as a rhino horn up the backside! Door!
0:17:29 > 0:17:33Morning, Your Majesty! Don't you just love Christmas?
0:17:33 > 0:17:38- No, I hate it! In fact, I've just abolished it!- Sorry?
0:17:38 > 0:17:46I'm going to block up the chimneys, burn all the crackers, and kill anyone carrying a present.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Oh... Ha! Ha!
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- What's that, Edmund?- This?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55It's a window.
0:17:55 > 0:18:00- A window?- Yes, but you seem to have one here. Sorry!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Well, so much for that!
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Ow!
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Ah, Melchett!
0:18:14 > 0:18:20Greetings! I trust that Christmas brings the usual food and stomach cramp!
0:18:20 > 0:18:23And compliments of the season to YOU.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27May the yuletide log burn your house down!
0:18:28 > 0:18:35I feel it only fair to warn you that the Queen has banned Christmas, so forget the present.
0:18:35 > 0:18:40I'm indebted to you, and shall follow your advice.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44(..The day my brain becomes a cauliflower!)
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Ha! Got him with my subtle plan!
0:18:47 > 0:18:50I can't see any subtle plan.
0:18:50 > 0:18:55Baldrick, you wouldn't see one if it danced naked on a harpsichord,
0:18:55 > 0:18:59singing, "Subtle Plans Are Here Again"!
0:18:59 > 0:19:07Melchett will undoubtedly do the opposite of what I say, and then...quack!
0:19:07 > 0:19:09He'll turn into a duck?
0:19:11 > 0:19:12Yes.
0:19:15 > 0:19:20Pity about this, Tinkywink! You used to LOVE this time of year.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I know.
0:19:24 > 0:19:29Leaving a mince pie and a glass of wine out for Father Christmas...
0:19:29 > 0:19:34Then scoffing it because princesses can do what they like!
0:19:34 > 0:19:41And wondering if your father's wife would get her head chopped off by Boxing Day.
0:19:41 > 0:19:48- We knew that if he gave her a hat, she'd probably be all right. - Happy days!
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Yes... Maybe I was a little rash.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Ah, boys, welcome back!
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Melchett, what's that under your coat?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03It's not a present?
0:20:03 > 0:20:10- A present, Majesty? But of course! (You're so painfully transparent!) - (Am I?)
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Fab! I LOVE presents!
0:20:15 > 0:20:19For a moment, I hated Christmas. But now I love it!
0:20:19 > 0:20:23In fact, I'd like to marry you.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26..If you didn't look like a slug!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29O pish, Majesty!
0:20:29 > 0:20:35To reward you, I'm going to give you LOTS of presents. Fancy a castle?
0:20:35 > 0:20:40- Windsor...- Title?- Duke of Kent? - Anything else?
0:20:40 > 0:20:45- A devilish, saucy wife would be fun. - Lady Jane Pottle!
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Yummy!
0:20:47 > 0:20:51She's Blackadder's girl, but that's OK.
0:20:51 > 0:20:58Perhaps Lord Melchett would like to whip me naked through the streets of Aberdeen!
0:20:58 > 0:21:04- I don't think we need go that far. - Too kind(!)- Aylesbury will do!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Blackadder, what have you got me?
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- Um...- I WANT A PRESSIE!!
0:21:13 > 0:21:19Give me something nice and shiny. If you don't, I'll give you a shiny axe!
0:21:19 > 0:21:27- Um...- Right! Any last requests before your block goes on top of the Crimble tree?
0:21:27 > 0:21:31Um... Well, there is ONE, actually, Ma'am.
0:21:31 > 0:21:37You know...er...how I've been a great admirer of you both.
0:21:37 > 0:21:45- Could I have your autographs to keep me company in my final lonely hours?- Oh, OK.- Thank you.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Just there... Thank you.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52- Oh! Dear me!- What is it?
0:21:52 > 0:21:59This paper Your Majesty just signed turns out to be some sort of death warrant!
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Oops!
0:22:01 > 0:22:08- And to go back on it would destroy the basis of the Constitution! - So I fear!
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- Is there a name on it?- Yes, it's...
0:22:11 > 0:22:17..Lord... I can't read the writing! Lord... Melchett. Yes, Melchett, that's it!
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Ma'am, it's a trick!
0:22:20 > 0:22:27Oh, good! Christmas is a time for tricks and japes and merry larks.
0:22:27 > 0:22:34- Blackadder, that's so brilliant, I'll execute Melchett instead! - You're so kind!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36NURSIE CACKLES
0:22:36 > 0:22:41And I suppose that means that everything of Melchett's is yours.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44I suppose it does!
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Merry Christmas, Ma'am!
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Good Lord!
0:22:52 > 0:22:55What a horrible pig, eh?!
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Though clearly quite a clever pig.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02No, as you say, disgraceful!
0:23:02 > 0:23:05You're an improvement on them all.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Them? Are there more?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Yes! Have a shufty at this!
0:23:11 > 0:23:14# Oo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-h! #
0:23:16 > 0:23:23Right, I'm sick of the Prince getting all the presents, so this is the plan.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27When he gets bored with charades and asks for a story,
0:23:27 > 0:23:32you come out here, put on the dress, and knock on the door.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36- I get it. - You will if you mess this up!
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Ah, welcome lads! This is the stuff, eh?
0:23:41 > 0:23:48Sherry and charades with the fellows. I mean, what could I do with a girl that I can't with you?
0:23:48 > 0:23:53- I cannot conceive, sir. - Well, there is that!
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Who's first? Not Horatio, it seems!
0:23:56 > 0:24:00- It's the little monkey fellow, then. - Indeed.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Excellent! Oh, I love charades!
0:24:03 > 0:24:05OK, Baldrick.
0:24:06 > 0:24:12- It's a book.- Well done! I didn't think you'd get it. - Damned clever!
0:24:12 > 0:24:18Another great Christmas tradition - explaining the rules to the Thickie Twins.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21It has to be a SPECIFIC book.
0:24:21 > 0:24:26If I was doing the Bible, I'd show there were two syllables in it...
0:24:26 > 0:24:29- Two what?- Two syllables!
0:24:29 > 0:24:34Two silly bulls? I don't think so, Blackadder, not in the Bible!
0:24:34 > 0:24:39I can remember a fatted calf, but that was... Ah! Was it..?
0:24:39 > 0:24:45Is it Noah's Ark? ..With two pigs, two ants and the two silly bulls...?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Two syll-A-bles!
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- What?- Let's start again...
0:24:51 > 0:24:55No, I think the whole game's a bit sill-A.
0:24:55 > 0:25:01- Let's have a story instead.- Oh, yes! I'll just get rid of the servant.
0:25:01 > 0:25:06The smell of roasting chestnuts can't even cover that of Baldrick!
0:25:06 > 0:25:09(Don't forget the dress and the hat.)
0:25:09 > 0:25:13- So, shall I begin?- Absolutely!
0:25:13 > 0:25:18As long as it's not that awful one about the chap born on Christmas Day,
0:25:18 > 0:25:25who shoots his mouth off, and then comes a cropper on top of a hill in Arabland!
0:25:25 > 0:25:27You mean Jesus?
0:25:27 > 0:25:32Yes! Keep him out of it. He always spoils the atmos!
0:25:32 > 0:25:36- Certainly, I... - NELSON WAKES
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Oh, my God! I've gone blind!
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Oh, that's better!
0:25:43 > 0:25:50- This is a story about a handsome young prince. - Ah, this is more like it!
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Good-looking, lovely hair like a loaf of bread?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- Exactly!- Yes, I can imagine him!
0:25:57 > 0:26:05Well, it's a tale about him and a sad, lonely old granny, who's dying of cold at Christmas.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09- Not a comedy, then? - No, sir.
0:26:09 > 0:26:16She thought all was lost, and that she would die on Christmas night,
0:26:16 > 0:26:18and be swept up on Boxing Day.
0:26:20 > 0:26:25Then she knocked on the door of handsome young Prince George.
0:26:25 > 0:26:32He gave her his massive collection of Christmas presents, and she lived happily ever after.
0:26:36 > 0:26:43By Satan's sausage, Bladder, what a fine tale! I'm quite moved to tears.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46- Oh, good! - DING-A-LING >
0:26:47 > 0:26:54- I wonder who that could be! - On a cruel Christmas night...Tricky! Could be a robin!
0:26:54 > 0:26:59Why, sir! It's a sad, lonely old granny, who's dying of cold!
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Shall I fling her from your door,
0:27:02 > 0:27:07saying there is no room for a lonely old woman here?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10No, you swine! Bring her in!
0:27:13 > 0:27:19- (Trolley's a nice touch, Baldrick!) - Take all you want. I'm your prince!
0:27:21 > 0:27:26Shall I show her out, ensure she doesn't take the silver?
0:27:26 > 0:27:31- No, no! Tell her to take it! - You're very generous, sir.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Excellent, Baldrick! A triumph!
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Baldrick? ..BALDRICK!
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Sorry, Mr B.
0:27:39 > 0:27:44I was just showing an old lady to the door. Are you ready yet?
0:27:44 > 0:27:51- What?!- Well, I answered the door, and it was this sweet old lady collecting for charity.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55- Aaargh!- Something wrong, Mr B?
0:27:55 > 0:28:01No, I should've known not to trust a man with the brain of a rabbit dropping!
0:28:01 > 0:28:04- Sorry!- It's perfectly all right.
0:28:06 > 0:28:11Still, I fear for a frail old lady, laden with valuables,
0:28:11 > 0:28:15travelling through the dark streets of London.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19- She's not safe.- Well, not from me!
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Very amusing!
0:28:25 > 0:28:29- In what way? - Er, the wigs! Amusing wigs!
0:28:29 > 0:28:32But the behaviour was disgraceful!
0:28:32 > 0:28:35But he actually got the presents!
0:28:35 > 0:28:40- Well...yes... - So, there is something to be made from being bad?
0:28:40 > 0:28:45Technically, yes. But that's not the point.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48It's the soul!
0:28:48 > 0:28:52- What would happen in the future, if- I- was bad?
0:28:52 > 0:28:55- Heavens, is that the time? - But...
0:28:55 > 0:29:00- ..I'd love to see Christmas future. - No, no, no... It's too dramatic!
0:29:00 > 0:29:04- Just show it! Please! - OK.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06Wibble-wibble-wee-wee-wee...
0:29:08 > 0:29:13Hail Queen Asphyxia, Mistress of the Universe!
0:29:13 > 0:29:17And hail to you, my triple husbandoid!
0:29:17 > 0:29:23I summon you here to group-greet our Imperial Navies home.
0:29:23 > 0:29:28Approach, Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment
0:29:28 > 0:29:31and Lord of the High-Slung Bottoms of Zob.
0:29:31 > 0:29:33Morning!
0:29:33 > 0:29:41To you, Blackadder, thrice-endowed Supreme Donkey of the Trouserpod, this much greeting!
0:29:42 > 0:29:48- I, too, bold navigator, cringe my dribblies at your pothlesnood. - That's not necessary.
0:29:48 > 0:29:52Approach your slave - Baldrick!
0:29:59 > 0:30:05For God's sake, if you insist on wearing that, you could at least keep your legs together.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08Wilco, skipper!
0:30:08 > 0:30:14- Majesties, I give you a greeting. - What news of the foul Marmidons?
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Scattered, sir.
0:30:16 > 0:30:22And have the Sheep-Squeezers of Splaticon Five been suck-creamed?
0:30:22 > 0:30:24Well, they're dead, yes!
0:30:24 > 0:30:31- Did you vanquish the Nibble-Pibblies? - No, Lord Pigmot, I didn't...
0:30:31 > 0:30:33..You just made them up.
0:30:33 > 0:30:41Excellent, Commander, you have most pleasantly wibbled my frusset pouch.
0:30:41 > 0:30:45Bring forth the gift that honours me.
0:30:45 > 0:30:51Majesties, from a place where the stars begin, I bring you this.
0:30:52 > 0:30:55Lovely! An ashtray.
0:30:56 > 0:31:02He wastes our time. I yearn to watch 20,000 Years of the Two Ronnoids.
0:31:02 > 0:31:06- Send him to the sprouting chamber. - No, wait!
0:31:06 > 0:31:11- What is it, Commander? - I'll show you.
0:31:11 > 0:31:15BUZZZ...WHIRRR...
0:31:15 > 0:31:22And now, Your Majesty, I insist that you hand over to me the Supreme Command of the Universe,
0:31:22 > 0:31:27sew a button on my uniform and marry me this afternoon.
0:31:27 > 0:31:30I thought you'd never ask.
0:31:33 > 0:31:39So if I was bad, my descendants would rule the entire universe?
0:31:39 > 0:31:46Maybe, but would you be happy? Being Ruler of the Universe isn't all that good.
0:31:46 > 0:31:50You have to wave at people all the time.
0:31:50 > 0:31:54What does the future hold if I stay good?
0:31:54 > 0:32:00I must put my foot down. I've got four hauntings to do.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03Oo-oo-o-o-o-oo!
0:32:05 > 0:32:10Hail, Queen Asphyxia, Mistress of the Universe!
0:32:10 > 0:32:14And hail to you, my triple husbandoid!
0:32:14 > 0:32:20I summon you here to group-greet our Imperial Navies home.
0:32:20 > 0:32:25Approach, Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment
0:32:25 > 0:32:29and Lord of the High-Slung Bottoms of Zob.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32- Hail!- And your slave?
0:32:37 > 0:32:41- What's his name? - I can't remember, Your Majesty.
0:32:41 > 0:32:48No matter, Master of the Smells. What news of the Marmidons?
0:32:48 > 0:32:50- Good news...- Excellent!
0:32:50 > 0:32:55..For the Marmidons. They wiped out our entire army.
0:32:55 > 0:33:01- I was a bit confused and bombed our own lot.- Silence, squidling!
0:33:01 > 0:33:08- Bring forth the gift with which you honour me. - Damn! I forgot the bloody present.
0:33:09 > 0:33:16One way is glory, the other way is wearing Baldrick's posing pouch!
0:33:16 > 0:33:21- That gives a very clear lesson. - Namely?
0:33:21 > 0:33:27That the rewards of virtue are largely spiritual.
0:33:27 > 0:33:32You don't think it shows that bad guys have all the fun?!
0:33:33 > 0:33:38No! The rewards of virtue are far more attractive.
0:33:38 > 0:33:45Picture it! Quiet evenings in your hovel...alone. A Bible and your own turnip.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47That makes all the difference.
0:33:47 > 0:33:52- So you're going to be a good boy, then?- Absolutely!
0:33:52 > 0:33:55Would I lie to you?
0:33:56 > 0:33:58Oo-o-oo-o.
0:33:58 > 0:34:02Woo-oo-oo-ooh.
0:34:12 > 0:34:16Father Christmas forgot about me.
0:34:16 > 0:34:23Oh, dear, don't be too unhappy. If you look very carefully there's something in this from me.
0:34:23 > 0:34:28- It's something I made for you. - That shows real love.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31- What did you make for me? - I've made you...
0:34:31 > 0:34:34- ..a fist.- A fist?
0:34:34 > 0:34:36It's for hitting.
0:34:36 > 0:34:41It's wonderful. You can use it again...and again...
0:34:41 > 0:34:43..and again.
0:34:43 > 0:34:48- Well, what do you say? - Thank you, Mr B.
0:34:48 > 0:34:53Think nothing of it, Baldrick. I, after all, think nothing of you.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58- Git-face, how about a penny?- Hark!
0:34:58 > 0:35:03Do I hear the voice of a cherub at the window?
0:35:03 > 0:35:06AAAR-AARGH!
0:35:08 > 0:35:12- No, I must have imagined it. - < DING-A-LING
0:35:12 > 0:35:17- Shall I get that, sir?- No, leave them out in the snow while I dress.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20I'll only be 40 minutes.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25Door!
0:35:26 > 0:35:32Greetings! We have come to sing merrily and present you a small pudding.
0:35:34 > 0:35:38# God bless Mr B and Baby Jesus, too.
0:35:38 > 0:35:42# If we were little pigs, we'd sing piggy wiggy woo!
0:35:42 > 0:35:45# Piggy wiggy wiggy wiggy wiggy woo!
0:35:45 > 0:35:51# Piggy wiggy woo! Oh, piggy wiggy wiggy woo! #
0:35:53 > 0:35:55Utter crap!
0:35:55 > 0:36:00- Do we get our Christmas treat? - Yes, indeed.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03It's a door in the face!
0:36:03 > 0:36:10Mr B, you can't send them out into the world with nothing but a small pudding.
0:36:10 > 0:36:12How right. Door!
0:36:13 > 0:36:15Thank you.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22- You know what I'm hoping?- What?
0:36:22 > 0:36:30- I'm hoping this is just a jape and you'll go "yo ho ho" and give me a mince pie.- Close your eyes.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32Open your mouth.
0:36:32 > 0:36:35Yo ho ho!
0:36:35 > 0:36:37< DING-A-LING
0:36:39 > 0:36:44Millicent's here for dinner. She seems to have brought the fish course with her.
0:36:47 > 0:36:53- Who is the huge halibut in the trousers?- I think it's me.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56This is Ralph. He's my fiance.
0:36:56 > 0:36:58We're in love!
0:36:59 > 0:37:04Oh, dear! Ill-conceived love is like a Christmas cracker.
0:37:04 > 0:37:09One disappointing bang... and the novelty wears off.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14Shut up!
0:37:14 > 0:37:22Mr Blackadder, what's happened? You've changed from the nicest man in England to the worst in the world.
0:37:22 > 0:37:24I was thinking the same myself.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26When spoken to!
0:37:26 > 0:37:33I would explain, but you wouldn't understand. You have a head emptier than a hermit's address book.
0:37:35 > 0:37:43- As for you, can you keep my god-daughter in the manner to which she's accustomed?- Oh, yes!
0:37:43 > 0:37:45Oh, splendid.
0:37:45 > 0:37:48Congratulations. Goodbye.
0:37:50 > 0:37:52Out!
0:37:52 > 0:37:56SHE BLUBBERS
0:37:58 > 0:38:05Baldrick, go and buy a turkey so large you'd think its mother had been roger-ed by an omnibus.
0:38:07 > 0:38:11I'm going to have a party just for me.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13- Cooey!- No peace for the wicked.
0:38:13 > 0:38:18Mr Ebenezer, I was wondering if perhaps you had a present for me,
0:38:18 > 0:38:22or found me a little fowl for Christmas.
0:38:22 > 0:38:25I've always found you FOUL, Mrs Scratchit.
0:38:25 > 0:38:33- As for Christmas, Tiny Tom can stuff it up his enormous muscular backside.- He's a cripple!
0:38:33 > 0:38:40No, Mrs Scratchit, occasionally saying "my leg hurts" wouldn't even fool Baldrick.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43It did, actually.
0:38:43 > 0:38:51However, if you want something for lunch, take this. It's a pound of lump.
0:38:51 > 0:38:57- What about my Tiny Tom?- Scoop him out and use him as a houseboat!
0:39:01 > 0:39:05Mr B... Where's the milk of human kindness?
0:39:05 > 0:39:08It's gone off, Baldrick. It stinks.
0:39:08 > 0:39:11- DING-A-LING - Get that.
0:39:11 > 0:39:16Whoever it is, slam the door on them.
0:39:17 > 0:39:24Hello, small dwarf. Is zis ze house of that all-round philanthropist, Blackadder?
0:39:24 > 0:39:29- Mr Blackadder lives here. - Das ist gut because we have a secret.
0:39:29 > 0:39:37- What secret?- If I told you we were going to give him a fortune, it would no longer be a secret.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39Damn! I'm stupid!
0:39:39 > 0:39:46- What wouldn't be a secret? - WE are Queen Victoria. - All three of you?
0:39:46 > 0:39:51My dear little hobgoblin, here is our Royal Seal.
0:39:51 > 0:39:59We have come to present your master with £50,000 and the title of Baron Blackadder
0:39:59 > 0:40:04- for being the kindest man in England.- Lumme!
0:40:04 > 0:40:10Why didn't you slam the door on the faces of these scroungers?
0:40:10 > 0:40:12Oof!
0:40:12 > 0:40:14I'm not at home to guests.
0:40:21 > 0:40:28- We are rather special guests, sir. - Oh, of course! I must apologise.
0:40:28 > 0:40:34It isn't often one gets a visit from two such distinguished guests.
0:40:34 > 0:40:37- Zo you recognise us at last?- Yes.
0:40:37 > 0:40:45You're the winner of the Round-Britain Shortest, Fattest Dumpiest Woman competition.
0:40:45 > 0:40:51- For her to be with the winner of the Stupidest Accent Award is remarkable.- Sir!
0:40:51 > 0:40:53Cork it, fatso!
0:40:53 > 0:41:01This is the Victorian age where, apart from Queen Piglet-features, women should not be heard.
0:41:01 > 0:41:06- Queen Piglet-features?! - Empress Oink, as the lads call her.
0:41:06 > 0:41:11The only person in the kingdom dafter is that stupid Frankfurter.
0:41:11 > 0:41:19The pig and the prig, we call them. How they produced their 112 children is beyond me.
0:41:19 > 0:41:26- There must be blindfolds in the palace bedrooms. - Sir, we've never been so insulted!
0:41:26 > 0:41:29You've been damned lucky!
0:41:32 > 0:41:35Baldrick, this is excellent.
0:41:35 > 0:41:40All the spongers have gone and there's all this tuck to gobble.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43Here, have a wishbone.
0:41:44 > 0:41:46What do you wish?
0:41:46 > 0:41:49I wish there was some meat on this.
0:41:49 > 0:41:54I enjoyed the last two. It was like having a go at the real Queen.
0:41:54 > 0:41:59- It WAS the real Queen. - What would the Queen be doing here?
0:41:59 > 0:42:07She came to reward you for being England's nicest man by giving you £50,000 and a title.
0:42:07 > 0:42:13It couldn't have been the Queen. She leaves people her Royal Seal.
0:42:13 > 0:42:17- Like this one?- Yes, like th...