0:00:18 > 0:00:21PIG GRUNTS
0:00:21 > 0:00:24HE CHUCKLES
0:00:24 > 0:00:27PIG BREAKS WIND
0:00:27 > 0:00:32- I do apologise, Wellbeloved! - It was the Empress, m'lord.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Oh, there you are! Sound digestion and a clear conscience.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37'Clarence?'
0:00:37 > 0:00:40How the deuce did you do that?
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Sounds like my sister Connie!
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Angela is in tears. Again.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48- Erm...?- Your niece.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Two weeks to go till the Fat Pig Show, Connie, and look at her!
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Are we pleased with you? Yes, we are...
0:00:55 > 0:00:57oh, yes, we are!
0:00:57 > 0:00:59When you have finished irradiating that pig
0:00:59 > 0:01:02with your imbecilic conversation, I would like a word.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Ahh... Mm.
0:01:05 > 0:01:10Sir Gregory Parsloe, Parsloe's pig, what's her name? The Queen?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13She's not, in your opinion...
0:01:13 > 0:01:15fatter...?
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Gah, Empress'll be the winner, you'll see.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Same as last year, and the year before that.
0:01:21 > 0:01:26Lord, bless my soul, my dear fellow! You're dressed for church!
0:01:26 > 0:01:28I am going to worship, sir.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30At the Church of The Goat and Feathers.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Ah! Well, say a prayer for me.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Thank you, sir.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37None of your little recitations, mind.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Trousers on legs and billowy portions, Cyril Wellbeloved.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Not the head.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45# Oh, my little sister Lily is a tart in Piccadilly
0:01:45 > 0:01:48# My mother, she's another, worse the luck
0:01:48 > 0:01:51# My granny hawks her arse all round the Elephant and Castle
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- # There's nothing she won't do to get a... # - That'll suffice!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57A disgusting display of public drunkenness!
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Clerk, what's the maximum sentence the court will permit me to impose?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- Seven days.- Fourteen days? Sold.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Oh, bliddy Nora.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Plus another day for profanity.
0:02:07 > 0:02:12But it's the Shropshire Show, Sir Gregory, sir, your enormity.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15His Lordship needs me to keep Empress good and fat...
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Too ruddy bad for His Lordship. Take him down!
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Here you are. Eat up.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30A repast fit for a Queen.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32HE LAUGHS
0:02:34 > 0:02:40Sweetie pie. I entreat you... Just a little spoonful here...
0:02:40 > 0:02:43But it's banana...
0:02:43 > 0:02:47Darling, it's banana.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Cyril Wellbeloved swears by banana...
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Dash it! Where is Wellbeloved?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Been unavoidably detained, my lord.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56He hasn't got himself locked up, has he?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59This is no time for Wellbeloved to be slacking about in custody!
0:02:59 > 0:03:01We need him!
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Sir Gregory's pig BALLOONS in volume even as we speak. Beach,
0:03:05 > 0:03:06this is an emergency.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10You have my permission to panic and run about screaming.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Very good, my lord.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Oh, Lord Heacham!
0:03:15 > 0:03:18I cannot understand the difficulty you are having... Don't touch me!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21If you touch me I shall scream. ..grasping the fact
0:03:21 > 0:03:23that I am not going to marry you.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26You're a silly little nonsense, aren't you?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Now, come here and kiss me.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31SHE GROANS
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Poor little scrap.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38Put her in the Shropshire Show, calling her fat, people will laugh.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41'Clarence...
0:03:41 > 0:03:44'Clarence!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46'Clarence, I am looking for you!
0:03:46 > 0:03:49'Where are you?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52'I want to talk to you!'
0:04:01 > 0:04:03'Clarence?'
0:04:03 > 0:04:07BANGING
0:04:10 > 0:04:15Ah, Connie, splendid! Erm... Heard you calling.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Wasn't able to find you, so I thought, what a capital idea to...
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Fling the servants' shoes around?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Clarence. I NEED to talk to you!
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Keep lips shut! It stops the drivel coming out!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29What are you going to do about Angela
0:04:29 > 0:04:32breaking off her engagement to Lord Heacham?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- Heacham! Sir Gregory's nephew!- Oh!
0:04:35 > 0:04:38It's an eminently suitable match.
0:04:38 > 0:04:43But instead, SHE professes love for the unpalatable "Jimmy" Belford.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Oh, I like him!
0:04:45 > 0:04:48But they can't get married. It's out of the question.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50He's in Africa. Australia.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- America.- Yes.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54He found employment as a "cowboy" - whatever that is -
0:04:54 > 0:04:57but he is now back in England.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Belford is without prospects!
0:05:01 > 0:05:03The marriage to him is not possible!
0:05:03 > 0:05:07Connie, I've got so many nieces. Can't you sort it out?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Well, of course I could! But for primogeniture,
0:05:09 > 0:05:13I could sort out the entire family. But it is YOU who were born a man,
0:05:13 > 0:05:18or a vague approximation of one. You have to do it.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Where are you going?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23If I'm to defeat Sir Gregory, I need to inflate the Empress.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26And it's no good pointing that chin at me, either.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Forget the pig. Administrate the family.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Oh, and to top it all, Freddie is on his way.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Erm..
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- Your son.- Oh.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47# La, la, la, la... #
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Oh! Ha, ha!
0:05:50 > 0:05:52HORN BLARES
0:05:52 > 0:05:56HE SHOUTS
0:05:57 > 0:06:00The tree was travelling far too fast.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02And on the wrong side of the road!
0:06:07 > 0:06:11- Guv'nor! - ..calorific bonus of the turnip...
0:06:11 > 0:06:13- All well? - Two weeks, Frederick.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Then it's all over.
0:06:15 > 0:06:20Whiffle is the recognised authority, but he has no answer.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24I've tried slops. Rotting pears.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27She loves the fruit that has seen the maggot.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29- We're talking now about the Empress. - Of course!
0:06:29 > 0:06:33M'pig's ill! She won't eat!
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Oh, God!
0:06:35 > 0:06:37That's terrible.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Eh? Since when did you take an interest in her appetite?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Since I bet 50 quid on her being fattest pig!
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Look, Guv'nor, fact is, I find myself in Queer Street.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50I put a bit of crinkle into a show at The Pink Pussy Club -
0:06:50 > 0:06:52the star being a lady I regard rather highly -
0:06:52 > 0:06:54and the damn thing closed!
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Frederick, are you penniless again?
0:06:56 > 0:07:01Ha ha... Anyway, I thought, how to extricate Frederick from this one?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04The Guv'nor's porker romping it as fattest pig!
0:07:04 > 0:07:05So I touched Oofy for 50 smackers,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08banged 'em on at six to one and here I am.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- Yes. In Queer Street.- Quite.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14'Angela!
0:07:14 > 0:07:16'Angela!'
0:07:21 > 0:07:26I'm trying to give the slip to that loathsome blister Heacham!
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Curious behaviour, is it not, re. the betrothed and beloved?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Heacham is NOT my beloved!
0:07:33 > 0:07:38He is a prig and a bore and he has this hideous little moustache,
0:07:38 > 0:07:41like a maggot crawled onto his lip and died!
0:07:41 > 0:07:45- Who is that? - Angela. Hiding from Heacham.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47- Who's that?- My father. Hiding generally.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51- Ah. Now. I want a word with him. - 'Angela!'
0:07:51 > 0:07:54- (No, no, no!)- Ah! You haven't seen your cousin, have you, Threepwood?
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Angela. Blonde hair framing a fat-headed head.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59Bladder on a stick affair.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01SHE GASPS
0:08:01 > 0:08:03- What?- I did not speak.
0:08:04 > 0:08:09Nor does this drawing room seem over-stocked with Angelas.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13If I were you, Heacham, I'd go about my business.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16So. Tinkety-tonk.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25'Angela!'
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Who wants a toot?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Throw Her Majesty a few of these jammy dodgers.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Very fattening for a pig who needs to be fat.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Blandings Castle. Are they all completely round the bend?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Aah, they're absolutely potty. The whole ruddy crew.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54(Psst! Cyril!)
0:08:57 > 0:08:58(What's to be done?)
0:08:58 > 0:09:01(We have to get the Empress sluicing back the calories.)
0:09:01 > 0:09:04(If she doesn't win, then I shan't be able to pay back Oofy,
0:09:04 > 0:09:06(then he'll have me assassinated, then I'll be dead
0:09:06 > 0:09:08(and Felicity won't want to dance with me any more!)
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Felicity's the girl at the Pink Pussy. God, I'm rather gone on her!
0:09:12 > 0:09:14So, what's the matter with the pig?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16She's pining for me.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20She won't be fed by anybody else. Not even His Lordship.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22(Cyril?)
0:09:22 > 0:09:25(Take your clothes off.)
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Ah, there she is!
0:09:34 > 0:09:39Come on, Empress. Cyril, Cyril...
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Pure fat...
0:09:42 > 0:09:47Come on, yum, yum, yum, yum...
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Every last crumb....
0:09:50 > 0:09:52HE LAUGHS
0:09:52 > 0:09:56Broccoli! Broccoli!
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Have a good blow, Paleface.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Jimmy!
0:10:19 > 0:10:22I knew you'd come for me!
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Oh, you're so stubbly!
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Well, I don't presently have a razor.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Oh, I don't care, it's adorable!
0:10:31 > 0:10:35- Why not? Where are you staying? - Around.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39I've ridden the range, pa-tooty-pie, with the hogs and the buffalo
0:10:39 > 0:10:41and the dang mules.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Oh, darling!
0:10:44 > 0:10:46What are dang mules?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Erm...they're mules.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51They're, just a bit, you know...DANG.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Good.
0:10:57 > 0:11:02Now, listen to me.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04ALL of you.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09I have reason to believe...
0:11:09 > 0:11:11we can expect an intruder.
0:11:12 > 0:11:17A certain undesirable person, Jimmy Belford, who is a cowboy,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20may seek to make contact with a member of the family.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24If you see anybody acting suspiciously...
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Sorry!
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Oh it's you... Hello, Aunt.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Frederick. When it comes to drooling idiocy, you take the cake.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41If there's very much more of this cretinous behaviour,
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- do you know what I shall do?- Oh.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I shall go to my room.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50HE WHINES
0:11:50 > 0:11:54I say, is there anything I can do about this fearful business?
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Uncommonly kind of you, my dear fellow, but things look very black.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00According to Whiffle, she should be consuming daily nourishment
0:12:00 > 0:12:04amounting to 57,800 calories.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06- Very specific, is he, on that? - Rigorous.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09As it is, she eats nothing at all.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12She just lolls around on her bed, flapping her palsied trotters.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16I'm giving very strong consideration to inserting a rubber pipe.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Emsworth, I give you fair warning.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22If you insert a rubber pipe into Angela I shall take a very dim view.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Now, why is she not eating?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Angela?
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Angela eats like a ruddy horse! Boisterous appetite.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Yes, yes... You're Heacham, aren't you?
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Well, the problem is very simple to grasp there,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- she's in love with somebody else. - What?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42You see, she's going to marry him instead. Any rate,
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Whiffle speaks very highly of linseed. Worth a shot?
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Linseed? My pig's very life may be in the balance.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Curse all pigs! Damn and blast every pig in existence!
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Forgive me, my lord. I have been entertaining the magistrates' clerk in my pantry.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I have been lubricating the gentleman with sherry.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Beach, your social life is your own affair. Seize the day.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16He has vouchsafed to me the name of the Justice
0:13:16 > 0:13:19who gave Wellbeloved a custodial sentence.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22It was Sir Gregory, my lord.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Sir Gregory Parsloe...
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Parsloe?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I see it all, Beach. It is treachery.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Godless treachery. Do you see it?
0:13:34 > 0:13:37It is observed below stairs, my lord, that Sir Gregory's that crooked
0:13:37 > 0:13:39"he could hide behind a spiral staircase."
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Damn it all!
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Parsloe has made a grievous howler.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46My dander is up. It is up, Beach!
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- Do you hear? Up! - I shall inform the staff, sir.
0:13:49 > 0:13:54And bring me a contraption... Chain... Ding-ding...
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Rubber things go round and round... Bicycle!
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I'm rather in the mood for a sticky willy...
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Now, look here, Parsloe...
0:14:11 > 0:14:13There's been raw dealings with my pigman.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Damned raw.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Your pigman, sir, is a drunkard,
0:14:18 > 0:14:20and a shameful exhibitioner of his own undergarments.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Is there some law against exhibiting undergarments?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- Of course there is, you fool! - Oh. Nevertheless...
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- this is a rum do, Stinker, a rum do...- Enough!
0:14:29 > 0:14:32I will not have my magisterial office insulted!
0:14:32 > 0:14:35I'm not insulting your office, my dear fellow, I'm insulting you.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Emsworth, you are dangerously cuckoo.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39I have a mind to summon the assistance of Lord Heacham.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41- He boxed for Harrow.- Harrow!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Yes, I guessed he'd known corruption in his youth.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Bad form, Parsloe.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Bad form.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Which way is, er...?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Times like this, Frederick, I wish your mother was still alive.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18She was so persuasive.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22She once put forth such a forceful case for beetroot,
0:15:22 > 0:15:24I actually put some into my mouth.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26WOMAN'S LAUGHTER
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Ho! Ho! Is there someone there? Someone there?
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Who's that with whatsername?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Uncle Clarence, please! You're blinding him!
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Oh, my dear fellow, I do apologise.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40That's all right, sir. Look here, Angela tells me about your pig.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Apparently she spurns the trough. Why's that?
0:15:43 > 0:15:48Well, my pigman's been incarcerated and she's got a broken heart.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50I know how she feels.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Because you're Lord Heacham.
0:15:52 > 0:15:57No, sir. I'm not Heacham. I'm the other bloke. Belford.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- Oh, you're the one I like.- Well, you will like me a whole lot more
0:16:00 > 0:16:02when I get your pig back on the grub!
0:16:02 > 0:16:04What, you think you can make her eat..?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Oh, I can do better than that...
0:16:06 > 0:16:08I can teach YOU how to make her eat.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12- Angela, this Mr Belford of yours, is...- I know!
0:16:12 > 0:16:17What a wonderful, INDISPENSABLE sort of person he must be.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Tell him, Jimmy.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21It's called the Universal Hog-Call.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Yes, yes, yes, of course... Of course.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26I've no idea what you're talking about.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28No pig will eat unless summoned by her pigman.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32His call is peculiar to him. Nothing else will do. However...
0:16:32 > 0:16:35there is, in extremis, a master-word
0:16:35 > 0:16:39that can be used by anybody that will rouse her like...that.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42I understand this, Belford. I beg you, tell me the word.
0:16:44 > 0:16:50Pig-hoo-o-o-o-ey!
0:16:53 > 0:16:57Pig-hooo-o-o-o-ey?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00No, no, no, not like that. Like this:
0:17:00 > 0:17:05Pig-hooo-o-o-o-ey!
0:17:05 > 0:17:10Pig-hooo-eeeey! ..PIGWHOOOOOOOAYY...
0:17:10 > 0:17:12BELL RINGS
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Give a little more body to the "hoo".
0:17:15 > 0:17:19PIGWHOOOOOOOAYY...
0:17:19 > 0:17:23Throw your head back. The second syllable rises to a shrill falsetto
0:17:23 > 0:17:25and give it some gas!
0:17:26 > 0:17:32PIG-HOOO-O-O-O-EY!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Shush, shush, the Empress is asleep, we'll wake her up.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39Oh, Beach! Still up?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Lady Constance would like to see you, my lord.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44At your convenience.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Convenience be damned. AGH!
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Belford! Beach, call the police!
0:17:51 > 0:17:54On what premise, Your Ladyship?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Trespass! Burglary!
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- Loitering with intent to commit ravishment!- Oh, good heavens!
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- Lady Constance, if you'll permit me...- Oh! Assault and battery!
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Clarence! Will you make Beach call the police?
0:18:06 > 0:18:10Err... Beach, be a good fellow and make yourself call the police.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Very well, my lord.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Clarence?
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Oh, no, no, Connie. Please, please, I beg of you.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Don't say those awful words...
0:18:21 > 0:18:25- I am going...- She's going to say it. - Yes.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- ..to my room.- Oh, dear...
0:18:32 > 0:18:37So. This thug attempted to lay violent hands on Lady Constance.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- I did no such thing. - Silence!
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- He did no such thing.- Are you calling your Aunt Constance a liar?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Ah... Look, Stinker.
0:18:46 > 0:18:51I mean, Sir Gregory, erm, err...
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Man to man.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Fat pig-wise, Jimmy's the only chance the Guv'nor has
0:18:56 > 0:18:59to square up to you in a fair fight.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Have a heart.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03In you go...
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Room for a little 'un?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13KNOCK AT DOOR
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Ah! Beach. Sorry to beard you in your lair,
0:19:18 > 0:19:20but there's been the most colossal ding-dong
0:19:20 > 0:19:22and I cannot find the Guv'nor.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Let him in, Beach.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Oh!
0:19:29 > 0:19:34Behold your father, Frederick. The toad beneath the harrow.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Oh, Guv'nor...
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Aunt Connie is pretty batey just now, but...
0:19:39 > 0:19:43I've completely forgotten it, you see. The universal summons.
0:19:43 > 0:19:48Right. Err... Well, I can't remember it either.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51We need to rally the family synapses, sharpish.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53What's our first move?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- A small sherry, Mr Frederick? - Oh, God, yes, essential,
0:19:56 > 0:19:58thank you. And Beach, damn it. Less of the "small".
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- Very well, sir. - Come on, Guv'nor. On your feet.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Give it your best shot.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Right, erm...
0:20:12 > 0:20:14PIGWAAARRGHHH... Oh!
0:20:14 > 0:20:18For God's sake, Emsworth, get a grip!
0:20:21 > 0:20:24PIGWHEEEEEEEZZ!
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Oh, it's futile!
0:20:27 > 0:20:33Oh, Beach, your pantry is obviously the spot for a mid-morning orgy!
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Angela! The universal call...
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Oh, it's no use asking me.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42I am but a feeble pawn in your desperate game.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45- Beach! You do it. - I do not summon pigs, my lord.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Wait a tick. I think I've got it!
0:20:48 > 0:20:53PIGABALABABABBA!
0:20:53 > 0:20:55DOGS HOWL DISTANTLY
0:20:57 > 0:21:02Jimmy Belford's in prison, you're useless, I'm useless,
0:21:02 > 0:21:05you're a desperate prawn, Beach does not summon pigs.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Very well.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Let us consult the Empress.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15The perfidious Parsloe shall not rob me of this triumph, Freddie.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Never mind your ruddy triumph, what about my 50 quid?
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Clarence. I am come down.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25This imbecility regarding Jimmy Belford must stop!
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- Hoy!- Don't you "hoy" me!
0:21:27 > 0:21:30You're a gull and an oaf and a nincompoop!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Nevertheless, I want to see m'pig!
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Belford drooling over Angela right under your nose -
0:21:36 > 0:21:37it's impossible!
0:21:37 > 0:21:40The man was born to an unsuitable station in life
0:21:40 > 0:21:43and the sooner he's reconciled to it, the better.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- That's all there is to be said. - Well, I hate to disagree...
0:21:46 > 0:21:50- Then don't!- You know, if you two actually succeed
0:21:50 > 0:21:52in scuppering my marriage to Jimmy,
0:21:52 > 0:21:55I will hurl myself from the battlements!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Splat!
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Thwarted niece, all over the begonias.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Just for once, do something to deserve the name of Emsworth.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I say!
0:22:15 > 0:22:19Why don't I have a bit of a chinwag with Constable Evans?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22No?
0:22:22 > 0:22:25But Constable, it's a ten-year-old malt from the Isle of Scrawnsporran!
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Scrawnsporran?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Well, I never!
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Ah!
0:22:37 > 0:22:41THEY SHOUT DRUNKENLY
0:22:43 > 0:22:46HE SNORES
0:22:46 > 0:22:48(Night-night.)
0:22:50 > 0:22:54- Jimmy Belford.- Shush!
0:22:54 > 0:22:56(Jimmy Belford.)
0:22:56 > 0:22:59(If I release you, do you give me your word
0:22:59 > 0:23:03(you'll return yourself to custard within the hour?)
0:23:03 > 0:23:05(Can I spend some of that hour kissing Angela?)
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Oh, rather!
0:23:08 > 0:23:12But you must also talk to the Guv'nor about his...
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- ..pig.- Shush!
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Wiggy wiggy wig.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23PIG-HOO-O-O-0-EAUURGHHH!
0:23:24 > 0:23:28PIG-HOO-O-O-0-EAUURGHHH!
0:23:29 > 0:23:32PIG-HOO-O-O-0-EAUURGHHH!
0:23:32 > 0:23:39No! No! No! Definitely taking the scenic route on the arpeggio.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Your call, Uncle Clarence.
0:23:41 > 0:23:46It couldn't summon the skin off a rice pudding. Look and learn.
0:23:49 > 0:23:55PIG-HOO-O-O-O-EY!
0:23:55 > 0:23:58PIG GRUNTS
0:24:13 > 0:24:17My dear, dear fellow. Belford.
0:24:17 > 0:24:22Be my guest. Erm... Marry erm... this one.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Congratulations, my dear.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Capital...
0:24:34 > 0:24:36THEY SNORE
0:24:37 > 0:24:43Right. Right. Good. Well, enjoyed our little chat.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46All prisoners present and correct? Splendid.
0:24:53 > 0:24:59Did I, erm...suggest a plan of action that actually worked...?
0:25:01 > 0:25:06'Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Shropshire Show...'
0:25:07 > 0:25:10You may smirk, Sir Gregory.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13You may snigger up your perjured sleeve.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17But you will rue your shabby conduct, soon enough.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Ah!
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Ah, ha! Ready. That surprised you.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Ready for what? A gypsy funeral? A carnival of grotesques?
0:25:34 > 0:25:38A convocation of imbibers of turpentine and methylated spirit?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Don't entirely catch your drift.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43I shall continue snowing. If you wear that hat
0:25:43 > 0:25:47to the Shropshire Show, I shall eviscerate you
0:25:47 > 0:25:51with a small, blunt spoon, ill-adapted for the purpose.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Is there any point to what you're going to say?
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Hat. Patrician bearing and chop, chop!
0:26:03 > 0:26:07So, how's your pig, Emsworth?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09In the pink, Sir Gregory...
0:26:09 > 0:26:12'Next, we have our Middle White,
0:26:12 > 0:26:14'the Empress of Blandings...'
0:26:14 > 0:26:17APPLAUSE
0:26:17 > 0:26:23'The winner of the Fattest Pig is... the Empress!'
0:26:32 > 0:26:37- Oh, hello, Connie. Hello, erm... - Heacham. I'm Lord Heacham.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39- Good for you, sir. - Is everything being accomplished
0:26:39 > 0:26:43to my satisfaction and to the family's honour?
0:26:43 > 0:26:46- I think so, my dear. - Would you say so, Clarence?
0:26:46 > 0:26:50I would, my dear.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Then how do you account for this?
0:26:52 > 0:26:53A fellow can't be held accountable
0:26:53 > 0:26:56for another fellow's ill-advised moustache, y'know...
0:26:56 > 0:26:58I come to give you formal notice, Emsworth,
0:26:58 > 0:27:00that I am breaking off my engagement to your niece.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- Which one? I've several, y'know. - Oh!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Angela. The fat-headed one.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Oh, well, that's all right!
0:27:06 > 0:27:08You can break off with Angela till the cows come home!
0:27:08 > 0:27:13She's marrying somebody else, that's fine and dandy.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Lord! Is that Wellbeloved?
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Wellbeloved! Are you out of prison? Hurrah!
0:27:20 > 0:27:23The Guv'nor really is incorrigible!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25I don't know what that means, but he's it.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Anyway, his pig saved my bacon.
0:27:27 > 0:27:32I may still be in with a shout with Felicity from the Pussy.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34There's a lad running a book on which one of those goaty things
0:27:34 > 0:27:37is going to be the first to drop a you-know-what.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41I fancy the spotty one. Been eating a heck of a lot of cabbage.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44I'm in for a tenner. Do you feel lucky, Aunt C?
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Oh! Angela! Come back here.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50PIG BREAKS WIND
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Oh, I know just how you feel.
0:27:53 > 0:27:58She's in showroom condition, m'lord. You took care of her.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Grand of you to have me back.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Nonsense. Mind you, Wellbeloved...
0:28:03 > 0:28:06what have you learned from this period of absence?
0:28:08 > 0:28:14When I see a pint of beer, I'm going to say, get thee behind me.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17- Wouldn't that make it rather tricky to get hold of the glass?- Hmmm.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20- Yeah. You have a point.- Hmmm.
0:28:23 > 0:28:28- What have you learned, m'lord? - What have I learned?
0:28:32 > 0:28:38PIG-HOO-O-O-O-EY!
0:28:38 > 0:28:41THEY LAUGH
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd