0:00:39 > 0:00:41Ah! That's enough of that.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43I only took up smoking, so I could give it up.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46I've given up everything in fact. Reformed man.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Yup! No more rum, bum and concertina for Frederick.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Ah!
0:01:15 > 0:01:17HE GROANS
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Now, Clarence, concentrate.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30The London Fresh Air Children arrive tomorrow.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33It comforts these children to see the civilized classes,
0:01:33 > 0:01:35which, in this unusual case, includes you,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37comporting themselves gracefully.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Freddie! What have you done to your head?
0:01:40 > 0:01:45This is my reformed hair. It symbolizes my repudiation of vice.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46"What vice?", I hear you cry?
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Sins of the track and bookie, mainly,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- but you name it, I'll repudiate it. - Enough!
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Now hear this. The reputation of the family is at stake.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57We must excel.
0:01:57 > 0:02:02And, Clarence, if you say to me, "Do I have to wear a top hat?"
0:02:02 > 0:02:05I shall stab you through the heart and have your mutilated corpse
0:02:05 > 0:02:07dragged around Blandings by a donkey.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Naked.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Me or the donkey?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Oh, no, the donkey shall be clothed to amplify your total degradation.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Better than wearing a top hat...
0:02:15 > 0:02:17How can I help? This is the new me, you see?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Ever ready to help an old lady get a horse's hoof
0:02:19 > 0:02:21out of a boy scout, sort of thing.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Oh, Freddie, you're an imbecile!
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Aunt C on cracking form.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34London Fresh Air...Children?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Ah-ha.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39So, what's the solution to this repulsive sogginess?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Gravel!
0:02:41 > 0:02:46Proper stuff, y'ken, nae heathen stoor the size of peas.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Braw great clinkers.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Then yir dainty feet'll hae traction.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Awa' wi' all this filthy moss.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- I shall speak to His Lordship. - He'll nae like it.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04He's a great one for the squilchy filth.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Gravel it shall be, McAllister.
0:03:09 > 0:03:14I'm on awa' to the idol o' erotic joy and trim wir bloated flaybers.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20(Bloated flaybers?)
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Beach, um, my hat -
0:03:23 > 0:03:27you know, the boater affair bit of ribbon round it -
0:03:27 > 0:03:29seem to have lost track of it.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Is it the one Your Lordship is presently wearing?
0:03:32 > 0:03:33Oh...
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Good heavens! Bless my soul.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Thank you, Beach!
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Ah, Connie. Had a pleasant turn around the ground?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44As you raise the subject of McAllister,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47he wishes to spread gravel across that hideous infestation
0:03:47 > 0:03:49of moss in the lime tree walk.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50No, no, no, no.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53I am aware that McAllister seeks to desecrate my lovely moss
0:03:53 > 0:03:55and I shall not countenance it.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Oh, they're rather splendid.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13My Lord, is that entirely wise?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18SNUFFLING AND GRUNTING
0:04:20 > 0:04:22No!
0:04:31 > 0:04:33The gardener, McAllister, My Lord.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Oh...
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Thank you, Beach.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Ah, McAllister! I expect you're wondering why I sent...
0:04:45 > 0:04:49The posteriors of the goddess have been ravaged by yir pug!
0:04:52 > 0:04:53My pug?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55My dear fellow, I don't possess a pug.
0:04:55 > 0:05:01And wi' the morn dairkening the horizon, it is a savage disgrace!
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Did ye pick they delphiniums?
0:05:15 > 0:05:16HE GROWLS
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Moss. That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24McAllister! Unhand my moss!
0:05:24 > 0:05:26HE GROWLS
0:05:29 > 0:05:31CAR HORN BLASTS
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Why is McAllister getting into a taxi?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Eh? Is he? I have no idea.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50He must be, er...on the...um...
0:05:52 > 0:05:54He's given in his notice.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56What?
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Why?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59What have you done?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Well, that's impossible!
0:06:01 > 0:06:04His presence is ESSENTIAL tomorrow!
0:06:04 > 0:06:07You haven't the faintest idea what I'm talking about!
0:06:07 > 0:06:11It's the Blandings Fete! The most important day of our year!
0:06:11 > 0:06:12Oh, good Lord!
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Oh, oh, can't you have a word?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17No, I can't!
0:06:17 > 0:06:21You and I know both know you are a withered homunculus
0:06:21 > 0:06:24rather than a conventional specimen of adult manhood,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27but you are the titular Master of Blandings!
0:06:27 > 0:06:30You must reclaim your gardener!
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Halt!
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Now, look here, McAllister,
0:06:42 > 0:06:46we need to get one thing absolutely clear...
0:06:47 > 0:06:49(I'll double your salary.)
0:06:49 > 0:06:50HE GROWLS
0:06:50 > 0:06:54- When I say double I quite possibly mean treble?- Hm!
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Oh, my dear fellow, please don't go.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Think of tomorrow.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00HE GROWLS
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Oh, I beg of you, McAllister!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05What else do I have to offer you?
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Ah.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10The gravel path.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Yes, of course, McAllister,
0:07:13 > 0:07:15of course, with my blessing.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18You'll no' pick another flooer withoot my say-so?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Mmm.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24And there'll be nae mair nibblin' on the dirty dumplin's o' the deity?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Whatever that is, no, never.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33The incident is closed.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36McAllister, out you hop.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Come, come.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Such a pretty thing, under all the D-I-R-T.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Can it, you lot! Reverend Gandle here is trying to speak.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Thank you, Miss Younghusband.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10Now, I merely wish to say...
0:08:10 > 0:08:13CHILDREN LAUGHING Good heavens...
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Welcome to Market Blandings...
0:08:15 > 0:08:21I have here the roster of your accommodation.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Ah-ha!
0:08:28 > 0:08:30What do you want, Frederick? Is it money?
0:08:30 > 0:08:35Oh, dear old prune, not in the least. I am a man transfigured.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38My only desire is to be of service to my peers,
0:08:38 > 0:08:40you being the peer available.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43I have no sympathetic ear for your desires, m'boy.
0:08:43 > 0:08:49Tomorrow I have to endure the torment of a stick-up collar and a top hat.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Oh, grinding rectal ache!
0:08:51 > 0:08:53And, of course, you have to make a speech.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Oh! You'd forgotten about the speech.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- Err...- I tell you what!
0:09:00 > 0:09:02How about I get you out of that?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- Eh?- Seriously.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08All I want now is to give succour to the suffering.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11And if ever there was a suffering sucker, Guv'nor, you're it.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Aw this moss must be raked up!
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Fir the gravel.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20I hae commanded its delivery.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Well! Rake up the moss? But it's rather jolly!
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Guv'nor, you love this...
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Raked up it shall be!
0:09:26 > 0:09:30With a canny great, God-fearin' rake!
0:09:30 > 0:09:35A muckle pile o' gravel shall come raining doon on the path!
0:09:35 > 0:09:40Whar there was squilch, mon,
0:09:40 > 0:09:44there shall be a Godly crunch.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52The thing to remember is,
0:09:52 > 0:09:55many of these London children are very like ordinary kids.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Except that some of them are armed.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00I say!
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Good afternoon, gentlemen. I'm here to deliver you two children.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Oh, er, excellent. And what would you like us to do with them?
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Just accommodate them.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Reverend Gandle has allocated them to the castle.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Right. Guv'nor, I shall attend to this.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Frederick, I'm a little confused...
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Undoubtedly, but I needs must waft this lady round the family shack.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19"Needs must waft"?
0:10:19 > 0:10:23I do wish you wouldn't refer to the place as "the family shack".
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Miss Younglegs and I are stepping this way to inspect the fixtures.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Regale our guests with your scintillating conversation.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Er, Frederick, erm... Ah...
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Ah. Yes.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- Lovely day.- Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Popped down from London, what?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44"Pop dine?" Speak English, mister.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Can it, fish-face!
0:10:46 > 0:10:48- Can it what? - From London, sir. Yes, sir.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Mm.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Been out much this season?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Our house does have a door, mate.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Oh, that is good news.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Erm, name, m'dear?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Gladys, sir. And this is me brother, Ern.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Ern is wearin' a straw hat that he found in a ditch.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Good heavens. What a handsome article.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10LAUGHS WEAKLY
0:11:10 > 0:11:12PIG GRUNTS
0:11:13 > 0:11:16That doesn't look too good.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18I know. I wanted a yellow one.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Well, next time I get lucky on the ponies, eh?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- Are you a gambling man, Mr Threepwood?- Er, no. I never gamble.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- SHE CHUCKLES - Don't know what you're missing.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Oh. Are you a gambling husband, Miss Younglovely? No, I mean...
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Oh, I know what you meant. I have been known to flutter.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Golly, I'd be hardly be taken seriously in Bow
0:11:33 > 0:11:35if I didn't stick the odd oncer on a horse.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37- The odd oncer... - A fiver on occasion.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41Ah, um, I'm sorry, but I think you're going to have to marry me.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Want to bet?
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Yes.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48What colour is your handkerchief? Get it right and I'll marry you.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Er...
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Er, lemon!
0:11:51 > 0:11:53It's purple. Hard cheese.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56Ohhh...
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Oh...
0:12:02 > 0:12:07That is one royally cool cucumber.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11PIG GRUNTS
0:12:14 > 0:12:16PIG GRUNTS MORE LOUDLY
0:12:19 > 0:12:21HE GROWLS
0:12:23 > 0:12:26No, no, my dear fellow, I insist.
0:12:26 > 0:12:31Five guineas is an acceptable fee for the restitution of the hat.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Clarence!
0:12:33 > 0:12:36You appear to be issuing this small boy with a cheque.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40No, no, no, no, no... Yes.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Well, he found my hat, you see.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Nonsense.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45Dear little fellow.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Here's sixpence.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Run along, now.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- Woof-woof! - HE PANTS
0:12:50 > 0:12:52What is the child doing?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Er, he's being a dog.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58When someone gives Ern money, he does his turn as a playful dog.
0:12:58 > 0:13:03Most amusing! Connie, these young persons are staying with us.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04What?!
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Proof, mon!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Proof! Yir pug has been devouring
0:13:08 > 0:13:11the shameful portions o' the goddess!
0:13:11 > 0:13:16You persist in this erroneous belief that I possess a pug.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18I think he means "pig", sir.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Pig? Pig - ah! Thank you.
0:13:21 > 0:13:22Are you quite mad?
0:13:22 > 0:13:28Mad? Ye cry me mad when I beheld the unclean beast wi' my ain een?
0:13:28 > 0:13:33The filthy, trottery abomination! I ought to turn it into bacons!
0:13:33 > 0:13:38- Oh.- It may prove a condition o' my remaining in yir employ, mon.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41- ERN:- Woof-woof-woof!
0:13:41 > 0:13:42Oh.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44He's very lifelike, ain't he?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46You, boy!
0:13:46 > 0:13:49You are forbidden entrance to the Blandings Fete.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Woof-woof-woof!
0:13:51 > 0:13:52HE GROWLS
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- HE LAUGHS - Stop him!
0:13:55 > 0:13:59- SHE GASPS - Bleedin' hell on sticks.- Wow.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02His Lordship was very insistent that you should be comfortable.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Is His Lordship the great shaggy Herbert
0:14:04 > 0:14:06what shouted at the geezer in the knackered old coat?
0:14:06 > 0:14:09No. The shaggy Herbert is the gardener.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11His Lordship is the gentleman in the coat.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13And this is his knackered old hat.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17So, the old biddy our Ern took a gnash at -
0:14:17 > 0:14:19that's Mrs Lordship?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21No, that is his sister.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Sister? She talks at him like she's married to him.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26So, who are you? Are you a Lord, an' all?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I'm His Lordship's butler. My name is Beach.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33My job is to look after Lord Emsworth,
0:14:33 > 0:14:35his family and his guests.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39And you...are his guests.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43THEY MOUTH
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- SHE CLEARS THROAT - Mr Beach?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I told Ern this was a man's job,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50but he won't do it cos he's embarrassed.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Please take this for your trouble, sir.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Very kind of you, miss,
0:15:01 > 0:15:03but I'm afraid
0:15:03 > 0:15:05that if I were discovered receiving gifts from guests,
0:15:05 > 0:15:07I would have to be shot.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09- THEY GASP - His Lordship's very strict about that.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16'Oh, what?'
0:15:16 > 0:15:17What can I do for you, my dear?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19'Clarence!
0:15:19 > 0:15:23'It is YOU who stands in the corridor outside MY room,
0:15:23 > 0:15:26'having just knocked on MY door.'
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Why did I do that, do you suppose?
0:15:29 > 0:15:32'You've come to beg me to be civil to that fantastically disgusting
0:15:32 > 0:15:34'brace of children.'
0:15:34 > 0:15:39Thank you, Connie. Will you be doing that sort of thing, do you think?
0:15:39 > 0:15:40'No. Boil your head!'
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Oh.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Lord Emsworth...
0:16:06 > 0:16:10I trust, will say a few words.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12He is delighted...
0:16:12 > 0:16:16- Freddie! Frederick! - ..to welcome you all to Blandings.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17(Speech!)
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Oh, don't give it another thought.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21..to take pleasure in the grounds.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25MICROPHONE WHINES
0:16:27 > 0:16:30YOU are supposed to be confined!
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Lord Emsworth.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36I wanted to say how very much the children
0:16:36 > 0:16:38are looking forward to your speech.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- ERN:- Bull's-eye!
0:16:40 > 0:16:41PARTY HORN BLASTS
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Ah, my dear lady.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45There we are.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47PARTY HORN BLASTS
0:16:49 > 0:16:53That lady - Mrs Thingummy, runs a grocer's shop.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55What's her name...? Erm, Rossiter.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Puce of face and squeaking.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00How would she like it if I went round to her place,
0:17:00 > 0:17:03dressed in this fatuous rig, went puce and squeaked?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06The fuss you make about for once in your life being dressed
0:17:06 > 0:17:09like a reasonable English gentleman and not like an incontinent tramp!
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Have you prepared your speech?
0:17:13 > 0:17:17We cannot have a repeat of last year's debacle.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19There was no debacle. I just...
0:17:19 > 0:17:21A couple of names eluded me.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Mine. Your own.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27The King's. The name of the castle.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Now, be quiet. Prepare your speech.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42YOU! Girl!
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Touch not they flooers!
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Argh! Yer...
0:17:55 > 0:17:58I'll hae yir reekin' tripes and bowels,
0:17:58 > 0:18:01ye rankin', slooty jezebel!
0:18:03 > 0:18:04SHE GASPS
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Thief!
0:18:06 > 0:18:07McAllister.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09HE GROWLS
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Ah.
0:18:20 > 0:18:21Ern, is it not?
0:18:23 > 0:18:24If I were a gambling man, Ern,
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I'd wager you were doing something that you didn't ought.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32You have a nefarious and frankly desperate look about you.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36I like that in a man.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38I think we can do business.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47PIG GRUNTS
0:18:49 > 0:18:53Oh! You haven't got a little bit of a cold coming on, have you?
0:18:55 > 0:18:56SOBBING
0:18:56 > 0:19:00God bless my soul. What are you doing in here?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Please, sir, I was put.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06Er, how do you mean "put"? Why?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08For pinching things, sir.
0:19:08 > 0:19:13Pinching things? How extraordinary. What did you, er, pinch?
0:19:13 > 0:19:17Flowers. I thought they'd cheer up our Ern.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21Oh, is Ern in desperate need of cheering up with...
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- COCKNEY ACCENT: .."flahrs"?- Yes, sir.
0:19:23 > 0:19:28I fought I'd pick him a few flowers, them long, blue ones.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30But that great hairy man shouted and come runnin',
0:19:30 > 0:19:33so I copped him on the shin with a stone.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Then I go - crash - straight into the lady, don't I?
0:19:35 > 0:19:39And all the other stuff I pinched for Ern dropped out me frock.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Two sandwiches, slice-a-cake...
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- CRYING:- So that's why I was put here by the lady.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Cos I belong with the pigs.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49SHE SOBS
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Confound the "loidy"!
0:19:54 > 0:19:56CHATTERING
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Mrs Rossiter, please.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04Your father has deserted us. We require a speech, from you.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Ah!
0:20:06 > 0:20:07You find that amusing?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09No, no, I just made some intricate arrangements
0:20:09 > 0:20:12that are no longer necessary. Lead on, old scream.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15A little bit about the weather.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17No vulgarity.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19You're not in your club now.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22We don't want a repeat of the debacle of Lady Maud's funeral.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24HE SIGHS CONTENTEDLY
0:20:24 > 0:20:26KNOCKING
0:20:26 > 0:20:27HE GROANS
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Beach.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33This young lady would like some tea.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Buns. Fruit.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38COCKNEY ACCENT: Jam sandwiches.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Er, slice-a-cake.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Very good, Your Lordship.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Oh, and her brother, Beach. He'd like some stuff, too.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- Ern - would he like a little chicken? - Ah, coo!
0:20:46 > 0:20:50- Beg your pardon? - Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52He doesn't suffer from gout, does he?
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Capital.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Beach, a bottle of that new port,
0:20:55 > 0:20:57from that lot they sent us down for us to try.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02It's nothing special, but it's drinkable.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04I'd like your brother's opinion of it.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Coo!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07So, here we all are...
0:21:09 > 0:21:11..banged up in this stinking-hot tent.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12THEY MURMUR AGREEMENT
0:21:12 > 0:21:15And the guv'nor - very sensibly in my opinion - has done a bunk.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18He's probably cuddled up to his pig.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19LAUGHTER
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Personally, I'd rather be closeted somewhere breezy with a pint
0:21:22 > 0:21:27of gin and tonic, and somebody slim and authoritative with a whistle.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30You would see some cuddling then, eh?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- LAUGHTER AND MURMURS OF APPROVAL - Eh? Eh? Would you?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Rule number one - get 'em laughing.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36You know, all this reminds me
0:21:36 > 0:21:39of a story I heard backstage at The Pink Pussy Club.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41ALL: Ooh!
0:21:41 > 0:21:42How's that?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44LAUGHTER
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Um, yes, well, there was a Frenchman and an Irishman
0:21:48 > 0:21:50and a Rabbi - stop me if you know it.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52No, no, tell a lie, could have been a Hindu.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Anyway, they're all on a train, going to Rangoon.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Er, except the Spanish bloke. It turns out he doesn't have a ticket!
0:21:58 > 0:21:59HE CHUCKLES
0:21:59 > 0:22:01No, no, that comes later. Where are they going?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- CHILD SHOUTS:- Kowloon!- Kowloon.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07'Thank you. So time goes on, they get a bit peckish...'
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Are you enjoying that?
0:22:10 > 0:22:14No face so lovely that it cannot be improved by the application
0:22:14 > 0:22:16of a little jam, eh, Beach?
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Oh. What do you have there?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Ern's comestibles, as discussed, my Lord.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25I have ventured to add some toffee and a packet of sultanas,
0:22:25 > 0:22:29and Cook has contributed a bag of what she calls "gobstoppers".
0:22:31 > 0:22:34I think our guest says "coo".
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Is there anything else we can get you, my dear? Don't be shy.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41I'd love get Ern a bunch of them flowers.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44I know he's a lad, but he's partial. He likes the colour.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Back home, we don't have colour.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53I say, damn it, Beach!
0:22:54 > 0:22:58If this lady desires "flahrs" for her little brother,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00she can jolly well have them.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Will you be requiring me to do the cutting, my Lord?
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Scissors, Beach.
0:23:18 > 0:23:23We are now going outside to cut..."flahrs".
0:23:23 > 0:23:25We may be some time.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27'So, Paddy says him... Oh, no, no.'
0:23:27 > 0:23:29I said Frenchman - I meant Chinese.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31- ALL: Oh!- And he's blind.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Yeah, be definite with gags. That's also rule number one.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37So, Paddy says to him... Oh, no, no. Hang on,
0:23:37 > 0:23:40I forgot to tell you about the very tall waitress.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Go back a bit. Well, she's called Maureen.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Or possibly Hamish. Anyway,
0:23:45 > 0:23:48the important thing about her is that she has to get to Brighton.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Which of course is nowhere near Africa,
0:23:50 > 0:23:52and she has this aunt...
0:23:54 > 0:23:55Oh...
0:23:57 > 0:24:00My dear, I shouldn't want you to think my hand is trembling
0:24:00 > 0:24:02because I am in any way apprehensive about
0:24:02 > 0:24:03cutting my own flowers.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06No, it is because I drink.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09The colossal amount of alcohol I ingest every day
0:24:09 > 0:24:12has turned my nervous system to jelly.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Haud yir hand!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Well, McAllister?
0:24:28 > 0:24:32When you speak Scotch, you are unintelligible,
0:24:32 > 0:24:35and I cannot permit you to raise your voice in my garden.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37So speak again, McAllister. What do you want?
0:24:39 > 0:24:43This young lady, whose name escapes me, but that is not material,
0:24:43 > 0:24:45has my full permission to take as many flowers
0:24:45 > 0:24:47as she wants from my garden.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Note the possessive adjective, McAllister,
0:24:49 > 0:24:52and if you do not like it, you know what you to do.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55HE CLEARS THROAT
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Moreover, if you wish to remain at Blandings,
0:25:00 > 0:25:05you will surrender every shred of your demented ambition
0:25:05 > 0:25:10to disfigure my moss with a disgusting gravel path.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13There you have it, McAllister.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14What do you say?
0:25:18 > 0:25:19Good.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24And the lady's name is Gladys, as you ask.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25SCREAMING
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Stone the crows! The 'ole bloomin' tent's on the wobble!
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Hang on, you'll love this...
0:25:33 > 0:25:35No! Hold your fire, Aunt C!
0:25:35 > 0:25:38I understand what's happened here, and I am in control..
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I have you now, Aunt Constance
0:25:46 > 0:25:49They don't come much darker than you, Mr Threepwood.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Oh, God, Miss Youngsqueeze, let me explain!
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Oh!
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Oh, Mrs Rossiter!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Oh, yes! Keep doing that!
0:25:56 > 0:25:59You are so very lovely when you smile.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00Frederick!
0:26:12 > 0:26:13I am going...
0:26:15 > 0:26:17..to my room.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38PIG GRUNTING
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Ern asked me to give you this, sir.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Oh!
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Oh, please tell Ern that I embrace him as a gentleman
0:26:46 > 0:26:50and am for ever in his service. Oh!
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Would you care to scratch the Empress?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Yes, sir, thank you, sir.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10Corton, '02.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16From the vines of Charlemagne himself.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Regum mensis arisque deorum.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23"For the tables of kings and altars of gods."
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Cheeky little minx.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31HE SLURPS
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Quite right. Past its best.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Guv'nor? I was wondering,
0:27:40 > 0:27:45now that the speech business has been successfully finessed,
0:27:45 > 0:27:47could you find it in your heart
0:27:47 > 0:27:50to settle my account at the Pink Pussy Club?
0:27:50 > 0:27:51- You see, when I said... - Yes.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55..that I didn't need money, I was using the word "need"
0:27:55 > 0:27:57in a purely private sense to mean...
0:27:57 > 0:27:59What?
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Yes. I'll write you a cheque.
0:28:03 > 0:28:04Good God. Are you quite well?
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Tickety-boo, my boy. Tip-top.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11You do know that Aunt Constance has gone to her room?
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Best place for her.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd