0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains very strong language and adult humour
0:00:06 > 0:00:07HELICOPTER WHIRRS
0:00:07 > 0:00:09That'll be the Christmas turkey arriving.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12Or something genetically modified to remind you of it.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14It's also my new number two, sir.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Ah, yes. Corporal House.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18I hear he came top in the High Threat course.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20He's the best. That's why I chose him.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Thought we'd have a lot in common.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Best isn't always best.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27I tend to favour "turns up on time and not a twat".
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Don't worry, sir, I'll have him integrated into the team
0:00:29 > 0:00:32faster than you can say, "Integrated into the team".
0:00:32 > 0:00:33I admire your confidence.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35And your diction.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- Oh, and I hear your team's doing the Nativity play.- Ah, yeah.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32I did a trade with a mortar platoon commander back in September.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Didn't think I'd live long enough to actually have to do it.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37My condolences on your survival.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42- Corporal House, sir. - Ah! Captain Nick Medhurst.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43And this is...
0:01:45 > 0:01:47That WAS the CO.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Welcome to Bluestone 42.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Let me introduce you to my team.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Look, Corporal, I know this is your first tour,
0:01:53 > 0:01:54but I'm sure you'll fit right in.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56They're a tightknit, professional unit.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Here we go!
0:02:05 > 0:02:06ALL: Ahhhhh!
0:02:06 > 0:02:07For God's sake!
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Team.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10It's Corporal House.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Oh, welcome, welcome. Lance Corporal Lansley.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Oh! Grrr!
0:02:16 > 0:02:19You catch us blowing off some steam.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21It's called Fire Antlers.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25The antlers are soaked in petrol. You have to set them alight.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Mac thought of it. You know, cos tomorrow it's Christmas.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31And, you know, cos Mac is a keen arsonist.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34This is Bird, our bleep. This is Rocket, this is Mac.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36We used to play something like this back in Leeds when I were a kid.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38But with rocks.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41It were mint. Come on, then!
0:02:41 > 0:02:42ALL: Oh!
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Move over!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49- ALL EXCLAIM - Hey?
0:02:49 > 0:02:52ALL SHOUT AND LAUGH
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Welcome to the team.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Yeah. You're pregnant.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- Probably.- How has this happened?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34The usual way. Fucking.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38I'm such a prick. They're going to send me home.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39So, you were in Portsmouth.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Fucked a sailor whose name you have forgotten.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I didn't forget it. Just never found it out.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Well, you did forget that your contraceptive injection ran out
0:03:47 > 0:03:48round about the 14th.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50And now you're eight days late.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55So...piss on that.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Thanks for the tip, cos I was going to dump on it.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05# It's Christmas time
0:04:05 > 0:04:08# There's no need to be afraid... #
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Afraid. Afraid of what? I'm not afraid.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Oh, I was singing a jolly Christmas song.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Yeah. Cheery.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Do you know, I woke up this morning and I realised that
0:04:16 > 0:04:20this will be the first Christmas without Charlotte in my adult life.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22And do you know what I felt?
0:04:22 > 0:04:23- Relief?- Relie...
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Relief! Exactly.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27I'm a free man!
0:04:27 > 0:04:29She can't touch me any more.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31She doesn't want to touch you any more.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34She made that extremely clear by breaking off your engagement.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Yeah.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37HE CHUCKLES
0:04:37 > 0:04:38Yeah!
0:04:38 > 0:04:42# There's a world outside your window... #
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Ah, shite. Sorry, Skip.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47What on earth do you think you're doing?
0:04:47 > 0:04:51- Deep-fried Milky Ways. - It's the taste of Christmas.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52With a Milky Way inside.
0:04:52 > 0:04:57Look, your leave was delayed, you're missing Christmas at home...
0:04:57 > 0:05:00so whatever you want do to cheer yourselves up is fine by me.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03So, you don't mind the obvious safety implications?
0:05:03 > 0:05:07Not even a little bit. Hm! Training in five minutes, you monkeys!
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Whoo!
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Simon's happy.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15This must change.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26SHE SIGHS
0:05:36 > 0:05:38SHE PUFFS
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Fuck me if that is not all the kit in the world, ever.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47It's all there for a reason.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Your ATO, then.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Everyone at HQ reckons he's a right typical Rupert.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Rupert? Nah. His name's Nick.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56I think it's short for Nicholas.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Rupert as in officer.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00As in posh twat who only got put in charge
0:06:00 > 0:06:03cos he's got a silver spoon wedged up his jacksie.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Hm. Interesting, Corporal.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06- HE CLEARS HIS THROAT - No offence.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Some taken. So, Gordon House.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11You sound like a tower block.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14And you look like Prince William. You related?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Yeah, I'm his real brother.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20- Does that make you more or less inbred?- Ooh.- Only kidding.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22You know, Towerblock might be quite a good name for you,
0:06:22 > 0:06:24given as you were probably brought up in one.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Is that the sort of thing a typical Rupert would say?
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Wouldn't want to disappoint.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30I'm just putting it out there, sir. We do that in Leeds.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32You'll get used to it.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35And what a fun process that's going to be(!)
0:06:35 > 0:06:36Happy Christmas Eve, guys!
0:06:36 > 0:06:39I thought I'd come and say hi. Mary Greenstock. Padre.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Gordon House. Cheeky Northern bastard.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Ma'am.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46We'll get used to it, apparently. He's from Leeds.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49# Ding dong merrily on high In heaven the bells are... #
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Ringing?
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Padre, do you have the script for the Nativity play?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Yes, because last year at Catterick, we did one...
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- That's not still happening, is it? - It'll be fun! Treading the boards!
0:06:59 > 0:07:01And it's great for morale on the base.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03If a padre can't raise morale at Christmas,
0:07:03 > 0:07:04what's the point of her?
0:07:04 > 0:07:05I've often wondered that.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Boss, tell OIC Mortars we're not doing this stupid play.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Yeah, but then I'd have to give him his delicious Cuban cigars back.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15And that's going to be...tricky.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19So, you sold out your team for a box of posh cigars?
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Classic Rupert.
0:07:20 > 0:07:25I had no choice. They were Cubans. Right, training.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Lesson one... Oh, my God!
0:07:27 > 0:07:32Well, I never use that, that, that... any of that.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35The gantry... is no use to man or beast.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38And this - this can go in the bin.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41But the brass is non-magnetic, for digging round the device.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- Yes...- In training, we always used to...
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Yeah, well, we're 3,500 miles from training now, aren't we?
0:07:46 > 0:07:50So, just... get all of this squared away.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Captain. As you were. Everything all right?
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Integrated as promised?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Fully, sir.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Good, because one of my patrol has found an IED in Yellow Three.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03SAT says you're not ready to deploy yet
0:08:03 > 0:08:05but you seemed confident earlier.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07Yeah.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09We're ready.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Right, Bluestone 42...
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Off we fuck.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19So, if Nick's short for Nicholas,
0:08:19 > 0:08:21is Mac short for Macholas?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32HORN TOOTS
0:09:02 > 0:09:06At the risk of sounding like a Rupert, can you fetch my bags?
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Thanks, Towerblock.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- That name sticking, is it? - Seems to be.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Where's Faruq?
0:09:17 > 0:09:18You want goose?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20No, Faruq! I want to talk to witnesses.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Christmas dinner! Very tasty.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Ten dollars. It is agreed.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29- I'm going to dispense with the robot. - But shouldn't we at least...?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Bad atmospherics. We need to restore normality ASAP.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Get rid of it.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39You just can't get the staff these days.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Typical Rupert.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48You do all that training but at the end of the day,
0:09:48 > 0:09:50- it's, "Do what you're told". - Yeah? Well...
0:09:50 > 0:09:51- NORTHERN ACCENT: - ..do what you're told
0:09:51 > 0:09:53and you might make it out of this tour alive.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- I know how to do my job, all right? - Just drop the bravado and do what...
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Bravado? I'm not scared.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02No? Well, you should be.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Half the people round here want to kill us.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06And the other half couldn't give a shit if we died right here and now.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- Luckily, there are three or four people who think we're ace.- Yeah?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Which ones are they?
0:10:13 > 0:10:15No idea. But that's what makes it so exciting!
0:10:17 > 0:10:18Right.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I'm going down there.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Man-bag and disrupter.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Still reckon you'll be better off with the robot.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Yeah, let's waste time discussing a decision I've already taken.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Tatty-bye.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Boss on the move.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56'OK, Towerblock, the disruptor's ready to go
0:10:56 > 0:10:58'and I've bunged some Thermite on the main charge.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01'That way we can burn it off and avoid any big bangs.'
0:11:01 > 0:11:03If we'd brought the gantry, we could hook and line it out.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06I'm a demon with the old hook and line, me.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09'I'm sure you're amazing, but we're burning it.'
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Cover, everyone.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Stand by for disruptor. Firing.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23OK, now hit the Thermite.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Firing Thermite. Stand by.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Firing.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29FIZZING
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Still reckon we could have used the gantry. Pull it out.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Incorrect. This causes less disruption and if we need to go,
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- we can leave it burning. - But what...?- Look, Towerblock.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47When it comes to IEDs, I do know what I'm talking about...
0:11:52 > 0:11:53Oh, dear.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59There was a second charge underneath on an anti-lift switch, OK?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01When enough weight burnt off... woomph!
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Like a...bottle of champagne.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Champagne? It's kind of fizzy wine.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Do you have that "oop North"?
0:12:09 > 0:12:12No. In Armley we mainly drink chip fat.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- # God rest ye, merry gentlemen... # - Shut up, Simon!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Oh. Boss, when we get back,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20we really need to sort out the parts for the Nativity play.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Oh! Can I be the caterpillar?
0:12:22 > 0:12:26When we did the Nativity in primary, I was a brilliant caterpillar.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29I want to play Herod and slaughter all the wee kiddies.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- I'm not sure that...- And I'm not playing the Virgin fucking Mary.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35I'm no' fucking surprised! Imagine that, Bird a virgin.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37THEY LAUGH
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Bird being a virgin!
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Yes, that would be quite the acting role.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50"Mary, turns out you're not a slag."
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Padre, did you really write this?
0:12:54 > 0:12:55Er, yes, I did!
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Not all padres are humourless, uptight...
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Actually, that line was written by a private in Catterick.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03OK, let's keep this moving.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07"In a dream I was told that you got pregnant from an angel."
0:13:07 > 0:13:09HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:13:09 > 0:13:11"From an angel caterpillar."
0:13:11 > 0:13:13That is fucking ridiculous!
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Yeah, cos the rest of the Christmas story definitely happened(!)
0:13:16 > 0:13:17All right, don't ruin the magic!
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Towerblock, Towerblock, Towerblock.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Right, just... Intensity! Yeah? Projection! Go!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Oh, I see what's happened.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29I made the mistake of training for combat, not the fucking West End!
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Simon, I'm ready for my close-up...
0:13:31 > 0:13:34You'll be on soon, boss. And Mary says...
0:13:34 > 0:13:35We must away to Bethlehem
0:13:35 > 0:13:37so I can make baby Jesus come out of my foo-foo.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Er, Bird, that's not...
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Boop. Let's hit pause that there. OK, Bird. Bird.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Think.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48She's pregnant. Hormonal.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- Moody. - Yeah, I'm doing it fucking moody.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- Um, and in the script...- Jesus!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Imagine how moody Bird would be if she really was pregnant!
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Ha-ha-ha! But which is funnier?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Bird being pregnant or Bird being a virgin?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- Seriously...- Team! You are on in two hours.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Yeah. OK. You. Ma'am.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08I want to talk to you about Mary's...costume? Go!
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- Uh, sure.- No, but you... Oh.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I tell you what. I'm not playing Joseph.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I'm not standing up there looking like a prick.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Pity, cos you're quite good at that.
0:14:17 > 0:14:21I tell you what. I'll play... Star In The East?
0:14:21 > 0:14:25- What?- You want to play a silent, inanimate object? That's perfect.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Congratulations, Simon. Looks like you're Joseph.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Well, it's natural casting.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34For some reason, Mary wears blue and white,
0:14:34 > 0:14:35but there's no particular reason...
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Can we talk about Mary's character? Cos she's fucked, isn't she?
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Er, well, technically she's...
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Her whole world turned upside down by an unexpected pregnancy.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46All her plans ruined. She don't know who the father is.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48- Well, she does know... - She's angry that she lost track
0:14:48 > 0:14:50of her fucking contraceptive injection.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Bird, is there something you'd like to talk about?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57- Are you pregnant?- No!
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Probably not.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Dunno. Maybe.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- Did you go to see the medic? You got a test kit?- Got it.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06- Choked it. Binned it.- Oh, Bird!
0:15:06 > 0:15:09If it comes back positive, I'll be on the first heli back to Bastion.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11And Nick needs me now more than ever.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12OK.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Well, look how about I get you another test,
0:15:14 > 0:15:18and at least that way you'll have all the facts, hm?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21I can't believe I've got to play fucking Mary!
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Oh, Bird. Leave it with me.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Greetings, shepherds.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33I brought you a sheep.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Thank you for your very kind gift.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Knock yourself out.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38LAUGHTER
0:15:38 > 0:15:43And then, from the East, the Wise Men came.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51What's the first rule?
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Find the baby Jesus.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57We must follow yonder star in the East. East!
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Who the fuck did that?!
0:16:01 > 0:16:02You silly cunt! SHELL WHISTLES
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Are you trying to start a bloody firefight?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06EXPLOSION
0:16:06 > 0:16:07Incoming!
0:16:12 > 0:16:13Take cover!
0:16:15 > 0:16:16MACHINE-GUN FIRE
0:16:16 > 0:16:18SHELL WHISTLES
0:16:20 > 0:16:21Oh, shit.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25They've hit the cookhouse!
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Bastards!
0:16:27 > 0:16:28Corporal Lansley.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Round up the rest of Charlie section and put down suppressing fire.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Sir! Charlie section! On me!
0:16:37 > 0:16:39That's for blowing up the cookhouse!
0:16:39 > 0:16:41And that's for ruining Christmas dinner!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Charlie, Charlie One. This is Zero. Stand down.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Stand down, Rocket!
0:16:47 > 0:16:50And that's for the turkey. And the sprouts.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Stand down, I said!
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Worst Nativity play ever. What's the first rule?
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Find the baby Jes...?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Don't destroy the cookhouse and all the turkey in it
0:17:02 > 0:17:04on the night before Christmas.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07I knew that new number two was going to be trouble.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Sir, I'd like to take full responsibility.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- Mm. Yes. I thought you might.- Sorry?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14You think that taking one for the team
0:17:14 > 0:17:15will prove that you're not a Rupert.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18But you ARE a Rupert. By definition.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- All officers are Ruperts.- Well, I...
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Rupert's my middle name. Really.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Philip Rupert Smith.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- Anyway, you said you were taking full responsibility?- Yes, sir.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Right. You're pan-bashing for a week.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34A week of washing-up?
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- Fine.- Carry on.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41# We three kings of Orient are... #
0:17:41 > 0:17:46MUSIC: "Stop The Cavalry" by Jona Lewie
0:17:46 > 0:17:48# Hey, Mr Churchill comes over here
0:17:48 > 0:17:50# To say we're doing splendidly
0:17:50 > 0:17:53# But it's very cold out here in the snow
0:17:53 > 0:17:55# Marching to and from the enemy
0:17:55 > 0:17:58# Oh, I say it's tough I have had enough
0:17:58 > 0:18:00# Can you stop the cavalry? #
0:18:06 > 0:18:09No eggs. No bacon.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13And I'm down to my last Milky Way. Cheers, Towerblock.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Shit food and misery.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17This is just like Christmas back at home.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Well, in my defence...fuck off!
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Look what I've got. Square stockings.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- Nice one!- Brilliant!
0:18:25 > 0:18:28The one good thing about Christmas on tour. A box of free stuff.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31- Skip.- Merry Christmas, everyone.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33- Merry Christmas, boss! - Merry Christmas, boss!
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Ah, can we just hang fire on the square stockings just for a sec?
0:18:36 > 0:18:37Towerblock, a quick word.
0:18:41 > 0:18:46So, I spoke to the colonel and I took full personal responsibility
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- for the flare incident. - You didn't have to do that.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Yeah, I know, but I'm your officer and I like to look after my team.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Yeah, well, I don't need a Rupert to fight my battles.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58- You are kidding me?- Ooh, thank you for helping me, my Lord(!)
0:18:58 > 0:19:00It's all us and them with you, isn't it?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Why do you have this huge chip on your shoulder, Towerblock?
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Because I WAS brought up in a fucking tower block.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09My wife was brought up in a fucking tower block.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12And people like us can look after ourselves, all right?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Yeah, well, I chose you for this job, so...
0:19:14 > 0:19:18What do you want? A paper hat? You chose me because I was the best.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Yeah? Well, you're hiding it fucking well!
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- BIRD CLAPS - Yeah! Huge row on Christmas morning.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26This IS like being at home.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28All we need now is someone crying in the fucking corner.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Oh! Oh, mine's warm.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Ah! Juggling balls, darts...
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Cards... Oh! Oh!
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- It's full of shit. - Nah! These are good gizzits!
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- No. No, really. It's full of shit. - Ah! That fucking honks!
0:19:42 > 0:19:45THEY LAUGH
0:19:45 > 0:19:49Here it comes. I've worked so hard for this moment.
0:19:51 > 0:19:56A few days ago, that would have enraged me. But you know what?
0:19:57 > 0:20:01- I think it's fucking funny! - HE LAUGHS WHEEZILY
0:20:01 > 0:20:02HE SNIFFS
0:20:04 > 0:20:07No-one can touch me now. Not any more.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11This is the first day of the rest of my life!
0:20:12 > 0:20:15I give up!
0:20:15 > 0:20:19So, Christmas lunch is now ration packs E&G. Morale is in the toilet.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21- What am I going to do? - You want goose?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Well, if I did, how am I going to cook it?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Padre?
0:20:30 > 0:20:31Walk with me.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Can you really deep-fry a goose?
0:20:39 > 0:20:43If you can deep-fry Milky Ways, you can deep-fry a goose.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Sorry to interrupt this...
0:20:46 > 0:20:49trip to the burns unit waiting to happen, but we've got a shout on.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Padre.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Put the gas on an hour before.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Oh! And don't test the heat with your fingers.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01SHE SIGHS Heh...
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Oh!
0:21:08 > 0:21:09Thanks, Padre.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12I didn't want you to look stupid, so I said it was for me.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Stupid?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Not stupid.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Understandably worried.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27# I saw three ships come sailing in
0:21:27 > 0:21:31# On Christmas day On Christmas day... #
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Skip! You know we've all got guns, right?
0:21:39 > 0:21:43OK. It looks like a bog standard pressure plate, so...
0:21:43 > 0:21:47- Your man-bag and disruptor. - Oh, my God!
0:21:47 > 0:21:49You can't even get it right without being a dick about it.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Boss on the move.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05MACHINE-GUN FIRE
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Contact left!
0:22:13 > 0:22:17Diamond 21, this is Bluestone 42. Contact. Wait out.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Gordon. Get down.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Gordon, get down!
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Get down! Get down!
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Shit! Bird, Towerblock's been hit.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Shit!
0:22:51 > 0:22:54RPG. Didn't function. It's stuck in his body armour.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Gordon! Gordon, are you OK?
0:22:59 > 0:23:01OK, Bird. Don't move him. I'm coming back.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05OK, Bird. Bird, I'm pinned down.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07'You'll have to get his body armour off.'
0:23:09 > 0:23:11- Rocket! Go! Go!- Skip!
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Got one!
0:23:17 > 0:23:18And another!
0:23:18 > 0:23:19It really is Christmas!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24'Cut his body armour off.'
0:23:24 > 0:23:27The quick release is fucked, boss.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Gordon!
0:23:28 > 0:23:30- What the fuck?- Don't!
0:23:30 > 0:23:32It's a fucking RPG!
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Shit! Shit!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35'Gordon? Listen.'
0:23:35 > 0:23:37You've been hit by a RPG.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38Yeah, I can fucking see that!
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Just stay fucking still. Bird's going to cut your body armour off.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- OK! OK! OK!- 'Bird...'
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Slowly. Minimum movement.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Shears! EOD shears!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- You what?- Towerblock, you are a fucking genius. Bird...
0:23:57 > 0:23:59- Big fucking scissors. In the suit kit.- On it.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Oh, fuck!
0:24:15 > 0:24:17OK!
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Now place it carefully on the ground and get clear.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21'Bird.'
0:24:21 > 0:24:23When you've cut it off,
0:24:23 > 0:24:25place it really carefully on the ground and stand clear.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27'Roger that, boss.'
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Hold! Hold!
0:24:45 > 0:24:47- We're clear! - Sounds like we're clear.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Rocket, get him into his body armour.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Are you OK?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03If that thing had gone off, man...
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Yeah, do you get it now, Towerblock?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08It's not us and them.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09It's us...
0:25:11 > 0:25:12..and them.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16OK, Bluestone 42.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Item number one on the agenda - let's render safe that RPG.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Item number two - we'll render safe the IED.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Any other business?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Fuck off home and deep-fry a goose?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Excellent. Although not for us.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Or for the goose.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Crack on.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- If it doesn't work, we've still got the sprouts.- Oh, aye!
0:25:55 > 0:25:57No!
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Too late.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- We should take out the roast.- Aye?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03What with?
0:26:03 > 0:26:04Oh!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11I've got it!
0:26:11 > 0:26:13So, boet, does this hurt?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15HE GROANS
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Course it fucking hurts!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Yeah, I thought it would.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21Towerblock? You're up.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40THEY CHEER
0:26:43 > 0:26:47- Nice one, Towerblock. Finally found a use for the gantry.- Right!
0:26:48 > 0:26:52And, boss, look, thanks for copping it for the flare.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53No problem.
0:26:58 > 0:26:59Yeah!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Really great shit.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Personal best.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10- Pregnant?- Nope.
0:27:15 > 0:27:20Bluestone 42? Table for six just here.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21- Thank you.- Happy Christmas.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Attention, please. Brigade HQ have sent an urgent message.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30"Happy Christmas."
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Carry on.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Well, this looks edible.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Technically.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Right, team, a toast. To Bluestone 42 and our new member.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45To us.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46- ALL:- To us.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Fucking hell!
0:27:49 > 0:27:56Charlotte got married. Some Army... captain she met at...Tiger Tiger.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Captain Parfitt.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Oh, Parfo! I went to Sandhurst with him. Top man.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05That was a bit Ruperty, wasn't it?
0:28:05 > 0:28:06HE MOUTHS
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Someone crying in the corner. Yay! It's finally Christmas.
0:28:12 > 0:28:13We've got something to cheer you up.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16It's your pillow.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18We deep-fried it.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Aye. Crispy on the outside, fluffy on the inside!
0:28:22 > 0:28:24It's like sleeping on a doughnut.
0:28:25 > 0:28:26Not funny, guys.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Not FUCKING funny!
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Yes! The old Simon is back!
0:28:34 > 0:28:35Oi!
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Food fight!
0:28:48 > 0:28:51Well done, Padre. Morale raised.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54This isn't quite what I had in mind, but...
0:28:55 > 0:28:56..fuck it, it'll do.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58- Quite.- Carry on.