0:00:04 > 0:00:10This programme contains very strong language.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12PLANES ROAR
0:00:24 > 0:00:25What the hell do you want?
0:00:28 > 0:00:32I can't concentrate if you're watching me. Go on. Go on. Piss off.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34INSECT DRONES
0:00:35 > 0:00:36Piss off!
0:00:36 > 0:00:39- Everything all right there, boss?- Yeah, it's fine!
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Just talking to a lizard!
0:00:42 > 0:00:43Um...what did you say, boss?
0:00:43 > 0:00:45ON RADIO: I said I was just...
0:00:45 > 0:00:46It doesn't matter.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49- MILLSY:- OK. Er...do you need me to prepare the hook and line?
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Or...anything else?
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Ah. Could you prepare a Caesar salad?
0:00:56 > 0:00:59- Um...- Actually, just radio the cookhouse
0:00:59 > 0:01:01and tell them that, if they're planning tomato pasta bake
0:01:01 > 0:01:04for a fifth day running, I'm bringing this bomb home for lunch.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06- MILLSY:- Yeah. Er, to be fair, boss,
0:01:06 > 0:01:09yesterday was spicy tomato pasta, which isn't technically...
0:01:09 > 0:01:12And my will to live is further reduced.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Good job I'm not in a life-threatening situation.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Oh, hang on.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- Wait. Who's that?- What?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53There's someone by the compound, inside the cordon there.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- Skip, the line.- Yeah, hang on.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57- Watch out, Skip.- Yeah, in a minute.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59- Step back!- Yeah, all right, he's just... Uh!
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Get down!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05INSECT DRONES
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- All right, Rocket?- Just a plant.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11You sure it wasnae a tripwire?
0:02:11 > 0:02:16If it had been a tripwire, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Oh.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Right.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Why not?
0:02:21 > 0:02:25Because he'd be flying towards ye like flesh confetti.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Like flesh and bone confetti. Like flesh and...
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- Yes, all right, Mac.- Got you.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Too much, aye?
0:02:35 > 0:02:36WOMAN SPEAKING ON RADIO
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Right, let's give it ten and I'll go back.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41So, Rocket, what was all that shouting about?
0:02:41 > 0:02:44You dropped faster than your testicles will in a year or two.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46It was nothing, boss.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48- Nothing?- He thought I'd found a tripwire.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- A tripwire? - Yeah, but it was just a plant.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- A plant? - Yeah, so it was all OK.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- So, it was all OK? - This is entertaining.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00And where was this plant that was all OK?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- MURMURS:- Just in there.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06There.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Are you sure, Lance Corporal? Cos that's off the path.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14And stepping off the path would be the act of a...
0:03:14 > 0:03:15colossal bell-end.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18I thought I spotted movement in the compound over there.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22Oh, so you tried to get a closer look by wandering off the path
0:03:22 > 0:03:24like a dozy fucking pensioner.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26But, like I said, it was just a plant, so...
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Oh, and you discovered it wasn't a booby trap,
0:03:28 > 0:03:30because an IED didn't blow both your legs off
0:03:30 > 0:03:33and rip great fucking chunks out of the rest of the team!
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- Sir.- You know why they're called booby traps, Simon?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- Is it because... - Shut up!
0:03:38 > 0:03:41They're called booby traps because they get trodden on by tits
0:03:41 > 0:03:42like you!
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Really?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46If you do not stay on the path,
0:03:46 > 0:03:48you will get blown to shittington come!
0:03:48 > 0:03:51And we will need two dozen body bags to ship you back to a fiancee
0:03:51 > 0:03:55who is, bafflingly, in love with someone with fewer brain cells than bollocks!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Protocol would be a retraining exercise, boss.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Get your shit together, Lance Corporal,
0:04:01 > 0:04:03and stop acting like a useless fucking geriatric!
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Another mistake like this
0:04:04 > 0:04:07could invoke considerably more than a gigantic bollocking!
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- Could it invoke a retraining exercise?- Millsy.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12We have the training opportunities we need. We refer to them as "war".
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Boss, I'd really love it if we could...
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Millsy, I would really love it
0:04:15 > 0:04:17if I got to eat foie gras and drink Sauternes
0:04:17 > 0:04:18whilst shagging Mary the Padre.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- If you don't mind...- Technically...
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Technically, Millsy, we spend 80 hours a week
0:04:22 > 0:04:25in close proximity to yellow lines.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I think the last fucking thing we need is a retraining exercise,
0:04:28 > 0:04:31with you pointing at them like a knob-end.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32OK?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Boss.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37Right. Eyes peeled.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40I'll be in the van. Bird, have we got any coffee?
0:04:40 > 0:04:43- Er, something very similar, boss. - What have we got, Bird?
0:04:43 > 0:04:44If you use "chai" in the answer,
0:04:44 > 0:04:47I'm going to go down there and blow myself up.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Um...well...
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Beef bolognese with tomato pasta.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- Nice variation. - Well, at least it's hot.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Reminds me of the time Rocket had the shits. That was hot.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09I wouldn't have eaten that either! LAUGHTER
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Nick, I'm eating.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14You know what I miss? Fruitcake. Proper British fruitcake.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17BLOWS RASPBERRY: That is a fucking boring food tae miss.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21And do you eat it with a tartan rug over your knees, Grandad?
0:05:21 > 0:05:25- LAUGHTER - Fucking funny, everyone.- I know.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Well, we've got the next best thing.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31You say fruitcake, I say tropical fruit mix.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Tropical fruit mix? This is just peaches. That's not tropical and it's not a mix.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Have my golden-oats snack bar if you're desperate, boss.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40As generous and unwelcome as that offer is, Millsy,
0:05:40 > 0:05:42I just want a decent bloody meal for once, not...
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Operational Ration Pack number 17.
0:05:45 > 0:05:4919, boss. 19. 17 is sweet-and-sour chicken.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Thank you for your input.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53PLANE ROARS OVERHEAD
0:05:53 > 0:05:55- Oh, I just...I can't do it. - Can I have yours?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- Really?- Serious.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59- Rocket joined for the food.- Aye.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00And the free uniform. And the gun.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02They don't let you keep the gun afterwards.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Eh? Shite!
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- You lying bastard. - Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha!
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Come on, Mary, admit it. That is horrible.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Well, we're hardly feasting on oysters and champagne,
0:06:13 > 0:06:15at least there's plenty of it.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Again, when Rocket had the shits there was plenty...
0:06:17 > 0:06:18- Nick.- Sorry.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- Bird, you're still eating it. Why?- Reminds me of home.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22- Aw, really?- Yeah.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25My mum's a fucking awful cook. Why do you think I'm here?
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Nah, it's nothing that can't be unfucked with a bit of ketchup.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32She's sending me some in the post. If it ever gets here.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33- When does it get here?- Fuck knows.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35My big brother says he's sending me some Mars bars.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- I've got to find decent food. - Faruq keeps offering me quroot.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39- You too, huh?- You want quroot?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41No, Faruq, because it tastes like
0:06:41 > 0:06:44cottage cheese that's been pissed on. Do you have anything else?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46You want good scoff, I get you good scoff.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50You like fresh, juicy, ripe mangoes?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52- Yes.- Me too.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Sadly, they would be impossible to obtain.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57But I see what I can do! Bye-bye!
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Good.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02Sir?
0:07:03 > 0:07:07- Sir, could I have a word? - Is it about the food?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Dreadful, isn't it? Still, what's the first rule?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13If you want good food, don't join the Army.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Should've stuck to what we know and invaded France.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I bet Wellington had foie gras every bloody night.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19We should invade France?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Napoleon's men lived off the land, of course.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Annoys the locals, but you do discover regional delicacies.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Like the Afghan tiger gecko.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- Come again? - Lizards. Keep up.
0:07:30 > 0:07:31The Afghan tiger gecko.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Highly endangered, on account of being absolutely delicious.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36- Really?- Mm.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Fresh. Creamy. Like oysters.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40These days there's so few of them,
0:07:40 > 0:07:43they're confined to just two valleys
0:07:43 > 0:07:46about four miles east of Malgir.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Where we were this morning, sir.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Black. Yellowy stripes.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56You haven't seen one, have you?
0:07:56 > 0:07:57No, sir.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Not even a tiny one?
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Probably just as well. They're on some UN list of protected yumminess.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Very bad form to catch them. Kill them.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Poach them gently in a good chenin blanc.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10Sir.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12You slept with that Padre yet?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- What? - I'll take that as a no. Carry on.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- HE BURPS - See yous later.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Bye, Rocket. Everything all right, Millsy?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Fine, Padre, yeah. Just fine.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Is Nick not keeping you busy?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34No, no. Not today.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37But it's OK. Just the way he is sometimes, you know?
0:08:37 > 0:08:38How is that, then?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Oh, no, no, no. I'm not having a go.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Just saying I know we can all get a bit pointy when we're stressed.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45But it's fine, it's fine.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Do you want me to talk to him?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I would love that. I would really, really love that.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51What would be the best thing for me to say?
0:08:51 > 0:08:53You...
0:08:53 > 0:08:54Nothing.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55No.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57No, no, no, nothing. Nothing.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59It's fine.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03It's just sometimes I feel I could do a much better job if he just let me in on stuff.
0:09:03 > 0:09:08I've had all this training, I know I could do my job a lot better if I could just use all of it and it's...
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Actually, do you know what? Don't worry about it. It's fine.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13- I should, er...- Millsy.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15I haven't known Nick for very long,
0:09:15 > 0:09:17although I think I've kind of worked him out.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19But he can be quite spiky, and actually...
0:09:19 > 0:09:21No. No, no, no, no. Nick's amazing.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Really. Yeah, and he... and he likes you, he really likes you.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27- I mean, he said... - Millsy, can I stop you there?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Because we are here to do a job, so...
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Nick and I will be keeping things strictly professional.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Of course.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36Sorry.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37It's OK.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41- Actually, what did he say?- Well...
0:09:41 > 0:09:44No, forget it. Um...see you later, Millsy.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Yeah.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01INSECTS CHIRPING
0:10:01 > 0:10:03FILM MUSIC PLAYING
0:10:04 > 0:10:09This is the most boring fucking film I've ever fucking seen.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11- You're joking, right? - MAC:- Thin Red Line?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Thin Red Shite, more like.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- Does anyone care if I turn it off?- Sooner the better.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17What?! There's only an hour left!
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- You've got to be fucking kidding me.- Another hour?!
0:10:20 > 0:10:21What is wrong with you people?
0:10:21 > 0:10:25- The Daily Telegraph said... - What a steaming pile of crap.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- Aye, crap.- No.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30No, The Thin Red Line is one of the greatest war films of all time.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- Back me up here, boss. - What's that?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35The Thin Red Line. A significant film.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37It was certainly significant for me.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Whole bunch of us went to see it when we turned 18...
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- Thank you.- ...and I have never been more bored.
0:10:42 > 0:10:48I was so bored, I thought I'd died, gone to hell, and got bored.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49OTHERS CHUCKLE
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Least you were lucky enough to see it on the big screen.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- Not really.- Mm. I was too young to go and see it at the cinema.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56- Eh? You're older than him. - No, I'm not.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- Ah, ye are!- No, I'm not.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- How old do you think I am? - 36?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- I was going to say about 42. - Oh, aye.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04I'm 28!
0:11:04 > 0:11:06- OTHERS LAUGH - 28!
0:11:09 > 0:11:10What, seriously?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12You make it sound like I'm past it.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17- You lot think I'm past it.- Nobody thinks you're past it, Simon.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19You called me a dozy fucking pensioner.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Did I? Yeah, I probably did.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- GUFFAWING - You called me Grandad.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- You were having a wet dream about fruitcake.- I like...cake!
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- OK?- Somebody say something about cake?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32You do make that noise when ye sit down.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33What noise?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37BOTH: Oh!
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Pfff! I don't make that noise. Pfff!
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- And you go "Pfff!" when you're annoyed.- Pfff!
0:11:43 > 0:11:44- Pfff!- Pfff!
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- OTHERS:- Pfff! Pfff! Pfff! Pfff!
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Fuck off!
0:11:48 > 0:11:49PLANE ROARS OVERHEAD
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Can we just please watch the rest of the film?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- Nah. Let's watch Heartbreak Ridge. - Aye! The Ridge!
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Oh, no, no! It's too late to start another film!
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- LAUGHTER - "Oh, it's too late!"
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- Oh, is it getting late, Grandad? - SHOUTING:- May I remind you,
0:12:03 > 0:12:05we all have to be up at 0630?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- LAUGHTER - You are so old!
0:12:08 > 0:12:09Quack, quack!
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Sod off. I'm going to bed.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13- HE GRUNTS - Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Millsy will bring you some hot milk.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19- Actually, we're out of milk. - Millsy, I was... Forget it.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21I think I'll turn in as well.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- Good night, guys. - Nick?
0:12:23 > 0:12:27- Can I have a word? In private? - At this hour?
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Intriguing. Yes, please.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Ah, biscuits, brown.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35My favourite.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- In the absence of all other biscuits.- Hm.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- Yeah, I'm out of wafers, pink. - BOTH CHUCKLE
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- So...- So, I wanted to talk to you about Millsy.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Oh. Look...
0:12:45 > 0:12:48When I was in training, I got used as target practice for golf balls,
0:12:48 > 0:12:51so the occasional game of dartboard runaround is really...
0:12:51 > 0:12:53And this isn't about that, is it?
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- I think he feels like a spare part.- Yeah.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59A spare part who doesn't spend his time inches away from something
0:12:59 > 0:13:01that will probably, at some point, blow him to pieces.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05I'm not sure if I've told you this, but my job is almost unimaginably dangerous.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08It has come up once or twice, yes,
0:13:08 > 0:13:12but all I'm saying is, why don't you...let him in?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Ah, yes. Let him in.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17I forgot chapter 76 of the ATO training manual,
0:13:17 > 0:13:21"When relating to your number two, always ensure that you...let him in."
0:13:21 > 0:13:24He's a young man who wants to do a good job. So, give him...
0:13:24 > 0:13:25His...his head?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Actually, that is what bomb disposal experts need. Head.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Oh, yes. Clever.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Millsy mentioned something about a retraining exercise.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- HE SIGHS - Why don't you talk to him about it?
0:13:37 > 0:13:38For me?
0:13:38 > 0:13:41So, team, time for a retraining exercise.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42- Aw...!- Bollocks.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- I thought you got us here to dish out post.- Hasn't arrived.- Shite.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48I was expecting my Mars bars so I only had the one breakfast.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52Millsy will help us understand the importance of staying in the marked areas,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55by going through yesterday's incident.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56- Really?- Do we have to?
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Let's get it over with.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59- Millsy.- Thanks, boss.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01OK.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05It was nearly 0900.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07The mist had cleared,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10and a light wind from the south stirred the leaves in the trees.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Cautiously, a small brave detachment...
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Millsy, what are you doing?
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Boss?
0:14:16 > 0:14:21Either I've stumbled into Poetry Corner or you, Millsy, are talking like a cunt.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23OTHERS SNORT
0:14:23 > 0:14:24- Which is it? - Poetry Corner, boss?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26No.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Oh. Sorry.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30So, I've recreated where everyone was standing
0:14:30 > 0:14:33when the suspected secondary was spotted.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34If you'd like to follow me.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Oh, dear.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- LINDA LAUGHS - You've drawn pictures of us. Sweet!
0:14:40 > 0:14:43What the fuck is that?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45OTHERS LAUGH
0:14:45 > 0:14:46I don't smoke a pipe!
0:14:46 > 0:14:49All right. Just a bit of artistic licence.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51- OTHERS CHUCKLE - I'm 28!
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Sorry. OK.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55So, Simon was standing here.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57The yellow line was here,
0:14:57 > 0:14:59and in trying to see an enemy over there,
0:14:59 > 0:15:02he overstepped the line...here.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05This is excellent, Millsy. Do go on.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Really?
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Yeah.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09OK. Thanks, boss.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11So, I'd like everyone to break up into pairs.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- PHONE RINGS - Ask 'em when the post is getting here.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Everyone, break up into pairs and make a list of potential hazards.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21- Thank you.- Pairs, gay. Lists...gay.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23I cannae make a list. I've no' got a pen.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Sorry, Millsy. No time for getting into pairs. We've got to go.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Are you serious? What is it?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Well, something's holding up the post truck
0:15:30 > 0:15:33and I don't want to lapse into jargon here, but I think it's what we call a bomb.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Hey! We do those, don't we? Let's go.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52It says here you find them in rocky areas.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54- Rocky areas, marshy areas... - PLANES ROAR
0:15:54 > 0:15:57...other areas, all over the shop!
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Well, thank you very much, David Attenborough.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01You like David Attenborough?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03I can get DVD of Frozen Planet.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- 20 dollars. It is agreed. - No, Faruq, I...
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- What?- The kit's ready, boss.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Is there anything else here you'd like me to do?
0:16:12 > 0:16:13Not really.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16We've got to wait 20 minutes for the search team to finish anyway.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Why don't you go over there
0:16:19 > 0:16:21and run through that retraining exercise again?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- Again, boss?- Mm.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- You mean finish it?- Yeah.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Crack on.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Faruq and I will be...here...
0:16:31 > 0:16:32talking.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Right. Um...this exercise ideally should involve you, boss.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- Mm-hm.- It could. It...doesn't have to.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42You... You won't be needed for this, boss. I'll take it from here.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Bluestone 42, back in your pairs.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- Oh, no!- Really?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Did something move? Down there?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51I don't know. I can't see anything.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- Does it really taste that good? - Oh, yes.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Especially with some quroot.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Yeah, because you know how much I love that salty, salty yoghurt.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Ah, but with the lizard... Ooh, it is amazing.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06The salt, it brings out the flavour of the meat.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08It tastes like...panda.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11I thought it tasted more like oysters. Sorry, you've eaten panda?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Sure you don't want to make up a three, boss?
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Ah, Bird.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17- Cordon secure? - It is, boss.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- We've considered the risk of RCs?- We have.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25We've also considered the risk of you not clearing the road for the post truck,
0:17:25 > 0:17:27cos you're too busy searching for lizards.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Lizards? Huh!
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- We're not searching for lizards.- Ooh, there's one.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Is there? Where?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Ah, she is smart lady.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38But that is why we don't teach them to read.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40- Fuck you! - HE SNORTS
0:17:42 > 0:17:44MAN SPEAKING ON RADIO
0:17:48 > 0:17:49Hello, little fella!
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Hello! Look at you, stripy!
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Come on, now. Shoo.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Shoo. Go on, go.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Off you pop.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Wait! I see someone. Over there.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06You sure, Skip? Your eyes aren't whit they used to be.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Not now, Mac! Yeah, he's back.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12- Right, everyone. Cover! - Oh, ha-ha!
0:18:12 > 0:18:14- I'm no' falling for that one again. - GUNFIRE
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Shite!
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Charlie 1, this is Bluestone 42. Contact. Wait out.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Contact right! Bluestone 42!
0:18:21 > 0:18:24One hostile, corner of the compound, 200 metres!
0:18:26 > 0:18:27I see him.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30GUNSHOTS
0:18:40 > 0:18:41Bloody hell, Skip.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43That was some fucking shot, eh?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Well, it's what we train for. - Someone give that man a cigarette!
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- I don't smoke.- Yes,
0:18:48 > 0:18:51I know, I mean, well done, basically.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53I think we can officially say that you...are not past it.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Yes! Thank you, boss.
0:18:55 > 0:19:00All right, now keep those eyes peeled. Terry Taliban may have some friends.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Amazing what an early night can do for ye, eh, Granda?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05- HE SMACKS LIPS - Fuck off.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06Eyes on.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20OK, Millsy, just bagging up.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- ON RADIO: Why don't you get a brew on?- Okey-dokey.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41WHISPERS: OK.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45Oh...
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Millsy?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Get a visual on nearby reptile.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Reptile, boss? Like a lizard?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- Yeah. MILLSY:- Oh, right.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56I...I saw one of those earlier. Yeah, it was by the kit.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00It was black with all these yellowy stripes. I just shooed it away.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01What? No!
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Shit! Millsy.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05- I really wanted that lizard. - All right.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07You didn't tell me, boss, I didn't know.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09No. No, I don't suppose I did.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11I suppose I should have let you in.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14OK.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18OK, look, um...do you think you could shoot this one?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20It's, er...
0:20:20 > 0:20:21It's posing a threat.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- I thought you were finished, boss? - It's a distraction, Millsy.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- And therefore a threat. - All right.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28But, um...aren't you a bit nearer?
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Yeah, I'm also nearer 20 pounds of HME.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Can you just get Corporal Crackshot to have a pop at it?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36But it's not harming anyone, boss. Poor little thing.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38It's a fucking lizard, Millsy!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- Grow a pair.- Boss.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Simon, the boss wants you to shoot that lizard.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46He wants me to shoot a lizard? OK.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Just letting all units know
0:20:49 > 0:20:53that Corporal Lansley is about to fire at a...UDR.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57An unauthorised distracting reptile? I dunno!
0:20:57 > 0:21:01- AMERICAN ACCENT:- Hey, lizard. You wanna ask yourself one question.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02Do I feel lucky?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Aye. I dae feel lucky.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11Very lucky.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Cos the guy that's shooting at me is a dozy fucking pensioner.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- Ooh!- I'll do it, Skip.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20No, Rocket, it's all right. I've got this.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Lizard neutralised, boss.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38INSECTS CHIRPING
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Well, that looks filling.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48Carry on.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51How's the food, everyone? Still horrid?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Well, buck up. Post's here.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- THEY CHEER - Finally, treats! Yum!
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Here comes ketchup!
0:21:59 > 0:22:00- There's one here for you, sir. - Thanks.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02For you, Bird.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Oh, my four-year-old's drawn me a picture.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Can anyone tell what it is?
0:22:11 > 0:22:13If you have any thoughts, let me know, hm?
0:22:19 > 0:22:20- Oh.- "Dear Lynda.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23"Your sister thought you might appreciate something girly."
0:22:23 > 0:22:25What?
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Mango and coconut body wash?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30What a bitch! What am I supposed to do with this?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32- Piss off!- Ah, the young Scot's worst nightmare.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Soap and fruit in one.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- PARCEL RATTLES - Chocolates?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Ho-ho-ho!
0:22:40 > 0:22:43It's...Travel Scrabble. It's great!
0:22:43 > 0:22:45VEHICLE DRAWS UP
0:22:45 > 0:22:48I mean, shit. Shit.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Ohhh! She found them!
0:22:51 > 0:22:54OTHERS LAUGHS
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Past it! Past it! Pipe and slippers!
0:22:57 > 0:23:00I do not smoke a pipe!
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Ahhh!
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Right, guys.
0:23:04 > 0:23:09Yous can have some of my Mars bars.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Oh, that's fucking hilarious!
0:23:14 > 0:23:18He said he was sending me Mars bars, and instead he sent me fake dog poo!
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Brilliant!
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- But we can't eat it, though, can we? - What? The food here's fine.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25I wanted some of your fucking Mars bars!
0:23:25 > 0:23:27All right, Mac, you greedy bastard.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29This is the worst Christmas ever.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31All the presents are shite...
0:23:31 > 0:23:33and it's no' even Christmas.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36WOMAN SPEAKING ON RADIO
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Is this all right?
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Are those seriously the best flowers you could find?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45I can try and find some others, but we are in the middle of...
0:23:45 > 0:23:47No, don't worry. They'll do. What's left on the list?
0:23:47 > 0:23:48I've ironed your camos...
0:23:48 > 0:23:52So, all you've got to do is sweep the det, then you can go and play Scrabble.
0:23:52 > 0:23:57Yes! All right, listen. I was thinking that we could set up a tournament and...
0:23:57 > 0:24:01You wouldn't need to be involved. I'll... I'll see you later.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Now, promise me there's no quroot in this.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05No, this is my wife's recipe.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Braised Afghan tiger gecko.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09It is her signature dish.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13As a girl, she used to trap them in her back garden.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15That doesn't seem very sportsmanlike.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Well, in those days she did not have access to an SA80 rifle, eh?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Yeah, just the AK-47s from the mujaheddin?
0:24:20 > 0:24:24Yes, very hard-wearing but not so accurate.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Excellent for crowds, but not for hunting.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29- Right.- Knock, knock.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30- Who's there?- Hi!
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Oh, hi, Faruq.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34- Millsy said you were looking for me?- Yes, I am.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36- Have a seat.- Ooh, metal cutlery. Now, there's posh.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Well, we aim to please.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Thank you for talking to Millsy. He seems much happier.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43He's running around like a lunatic, fetching and carrying.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Well, a woman's work is never done.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49And, yes, I am implying that Millsy is a woman.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52How demeaning for him. And how charming for me.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54What is that amazing smell?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56That'll be the oysters.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Oysters? Out here? Who do you have to sleep with to get them?
0:24:59 > 0:25:02That's a question you should be asking yourself.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10OK, so they're not technically oysters, but apparently they taste just like them.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- They look a bit... - Just close your eyes
0:25:13 > 0:25:14and open your mouth.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17That's not the sort of advice I follow when you're around, Nick.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Oh, my...
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Mmm.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29- SHE SIGHS - Mmm!
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Mmm. Oh.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Mmm.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Mmm...
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Mmmm!
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Oh...
0:25:41 > 0:25:44This is so yummy, I think I might cry.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48Oh! Mmm! I don't know why people don't eat these all the time.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Because they're critically endangered, Padre.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53What?
0:25:53 > 0:25:55How's the lizard?
0:25:55 > 0:25:59Lizard? This is... This is lizard, and it's critically endangered?
0:25:59 > 0:26:00Yeah.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02But what does that really mean?
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- Less than 70 breeding pairs, apparently. - SHE GASPS
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- Ooh, is that spare? - Not...really.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Oh. Yumbles! Mmm!
0:26:10 > 0:26:11It's been too long.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13What were you thinking?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- I think we both know the answer to that.- Right!
0:26:15 > 0:26:17- Get out. - These are my quarters.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21Your... Whatever. Yeah, fine. Well, I'm going.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25What happened to "so yummy I think I...
0:26:25 > 0:26:27"might cry"?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Sorry, sir, is there something in particular that you were after?
0:26:30 > 0:26:33No, no, just a social visit.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- All OK? Excellent. Carry on. - Well, that...
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Perfect.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd