0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains very strong language.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Let me get this right.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Celtic, SPL champions,
0:00:22 > 0:00:27have got nae chance against Hibs, a bunch of fannies frae Edinburgh.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Piss off.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Eyes on!
0:00:31 > 0:00:33You know Celtics are without Hooper?
0:00:33 > 0:00:35- Whit?- Thigh strain.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38My nephew sent me text message. He is taxi driver in Hamilton.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41- Your nephew lives in Scotland? - He says it's a real dump.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43HELICOPTER WHIRRING
0:00:43 > 0:00:45CHATTER ON RADIO
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Ugh. Have you set the suit to gas mark six, Millsy?
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Er...what?
0:00:52 > 0:00:54I'm implying the suit is an oven, Millsy. It's buggered.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Orders from the SAT. Wear the suit as often as practical. It's safer.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Oh, so, it's safer for me to pass out face first into a boatload of explosives?
0:01:01 > 0:01:05I don't get it. I fixed this. And I put new batteries in. It should be working.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08- No shit.- You need bomb suit?
0:01:08 > 0:01:13Yes, I do, Faruq. Although, ideally, not one made by the Soviets in 1981.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14Oh.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17- I have ordered a replacement, boss. - Well, where is it?- My request
0:01:17 > 0:01:20- has been approved.- So, some blanket stacker has a piece of paper,
0:01:20 > 0:01:24saying that he approves of your piece of paper? Order...it...again.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27And again. And again.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Until someone finally delivers it.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33- Boss.- OK. Now, my duties are running clear, Millsy.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Ah. Time to take me out of the oven.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- TV:- Celtic obviously the favourites here, John...
0:02:05 > 0:02:08COMMENTARY CONTINUES
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Sit down! SHOUTING
0:02:10 > 0:02:13COMMENTARY CONTINUES
0:02:13 > 0:02:17I'll never forget the first time my dad took me to see Hibs at Easter Road. I was ten.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Best meat pie of my life.
0:02:20 > 0:02:25Aye. Hibs should pack in the fitba and enter fuckin' MasterChef.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27SOLDIERS: Aw...!
0:02:27 > 0:02:28No football today.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29SOLDIERS: Ah!
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Record it and watch it tomorrow.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34You're going to be busy with Captain Softly
0:02:34 > 0:02:37preparing for a midnight raid on a bomb factory in Nowabad.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40So, that should be exciting. Plans going up on the screen now.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Excellent.
0:02:42 > 0:02:47Over to you, Recce Platoon Commander...Captain Softly.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- SCOTTISH ACCENT:- Hello, cunts!
0:02:52 > 0:02:54CHEERING
0:02:54 > 0:02:56We've recced a compound in Nowabad
0:02:56 > 0:02:59where those twisted fuckers make IEDs.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01So we thought we'd pop back with our friends
0:03:01 > 0:03:04and tear Terence Taliban a new one.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Now, there are two ways we can go in.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Option one, knock on the door and pretend to be Jehovah's Witnesses.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14Or option two, blow the gates, pile in,
0:03:14 > 0:03:18chuck a few grenades around, brass the fuckers up.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Hands up for option one?
0:03:21 > 0:03:22Option two it is.
0:03:24 > 0:03:29So, at 2300, transport will drop 1 Platoon and Bluestone 42 here.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Alpha and Bravo sections will secure the outer area,
0:03:32 > 0:03:35shooting anything that moves,
0:03:35 > 0:03:38while Captain Medhurst blows the gates to fuckington come.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Charlie section will secure the outer compound
0:03:40 > 0:03:45then 2 Platoon will enter the building and clear it room by room.
0:03:45 > 0:03:51Do not touch a fucking thing unless Bluestone 42 say you can.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Unless you fancy losing a fucking leg.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54At which point your military career will be over.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Although on the plus side you might be able to start for Hibs.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59- Oi! - LAUGHTER
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Any questions? Good.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03We leave at 2100.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Colonel?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Thank you, Captain Softly.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10So, go over the plan in your teams
0:04:10 > 0:04:13and remember, what's the first rule of a daring midnight raid?
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Surprise!
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Ah...
0:04:27 > 0:04:29So we detonate the explosive on the gates.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Cheers, Millsy.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36We stay out of 2 Platoon's way. They pile through.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40- Then we bimble in, take a shufty. - We expecting much resistance?
0:04:40 > 0:04:43About as much as I'd expect from Rocket's mum after a couple of lagers.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45We're hoping to catch Terry Taliban in his pyjamas,
0:04:45 > 0:04:49rather than having some friends around for a who's-got-the-biggest-gun party.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52If you are feeling nervous, go and see the Padre.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Door's always open, guys, OK?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Post. Blueys for Mac and Rocket.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57- That's a parcel for you.- Thanks.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00This one's from HQ. And a parcel for me.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- All right for some.- No, not really. I think it's from my dad.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Yep. "Dear Mary,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07"can never remember whether you love cashews or are very allergic."
0:05:07 > 0:05:11- Very allergic, Dad.- Coincidentally, I absolutely love cashews.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14And I'm adorable and about to raid a bomb factory.
0:05:14 > 0:05:19Every time I put one in my mouth, I shall think of you.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21OK, everyone, listen up.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23In other news, a new campaign has been launched
0:05:23 > 0:05:25to release the Danish aid worker Astrid Nygaard...
0:05:25 > 0:05:27- Gleaming!- Ooh, yeah.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Now, remember we have talked about appropriate responses to this.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33She is a Taliban hostage. There's a time and a place.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- Is there a photie?- Hell, yeah! And it's another hot one.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39- Ah, gies it.- They're just very concerned for her wellbeing.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43I'm sure they'd be just as concerned if she wasn't...quite pretty.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46No, no. Sorry, no, no, that's mine. That's mine.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47What the fuck is this?
0:05:47 > 0:05:51"A Foot in Death's Door, A Memoir by Lance Corporal Simon Lansley."
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Yeah, OK. OK! I wrote a memoir.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56ALL: Ooh!
0:05:56 > 0:05:58All right! Let's get all the jokes out of the way.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Don't have time, Simon. Could take all day.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- There's the first. - "From a young age, I'd always wanted to be a soldier.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05"Focused, trained, uninformed."
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Uniformed. That should say uniformed.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- "The Corporal protested angrily." - Piss off, Mac!
0:06:10 > 0:06:12He barked, still annoyed at his rubbish spelling.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Guys, leave him alone. What did they say?
0:06:14 > 0:06:20"Thank you for sending us A Foot In Death's Door, which we enjoyed reading.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23"Unfortunate...unfortunately we didn't..."
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Find it quite distinctive enough to stand out in a competitive market.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30It's a standard rejection. I used to work in publishing before I was a Padre.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32At least I got off my arse and tried to get a book deal.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- I tried to get a book deal once. - Yeah? What happened?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- I got a book deal. - What?- Did you?
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Yeah, spent the advance, forgot to write the book.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- Millsy, do you want to write a book? - When do you need it by, boss?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- No offence, Nick, but how did you get a book deal? - Er...he has been in the papers.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47But mainly cos that journo at the Express
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- is obsessed with him. - HQ keep feeding her stories, so...
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Yeah, you know, the double-page spread, Nick "Ten bombs in one day" Medhurst.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56- Which is factually accurate. - You know what's next?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Ten bombs in one day. Ten times in one night.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- OTHERS: Wa-hey! - Yeah, OK, look. I'm...I'm definitely
0:07:02 > 0:07:04not going to sleep with her again, OK?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Not that I ever have.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Not...ten times, anyway.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Although, obviously, I could have managed that.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- If I'd wanted to. - For heaven's sake!
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Which is all in the past.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19So, let's prepare for tonight's raid, then. Good meeting, everyone!
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Mary! Look, I didn't want to sleep with that journalist.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Oh, she forced you? Nick, it's fine. Do what you like.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29You seem to think of me as some sort of unfettered Lothario.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Oh, do I? Thanks for the briefing, Captain.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33If I was, I'd be sleeping with Bird.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36And you. And Millsy too, probably,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39who I'm sure would be... very accommodating.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42I am surprised you haven't already slept with Bird.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43You've slept with Bird.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Well, we were training. We got it out of the way so we could be friends.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47And I am more than happy to get it out of the way with you
0:07:47 > 0:07:50so that we can have the friendship that you seem to crave.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Crave? That's a bit strong. Tolerate, maybe.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- What?- A quick word with the Padre, in private?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Fine. I can tell when I'm not wanted.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Oh, I don't think that's true.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09I didn't know you were in publishing. Would you have a quick look at my book for me?
0:08:09 > 0:08:13All you need to know is that it's not just about the book. You need a hook.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15A hook?
0:08:15 > 0:08:16Like Abu Hamza?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18No, as in something particular about you.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Like, um...like Nick is "the ten bombs guy".
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- Ah.- And it's also about the look.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25So, if you have a hook and a good look, you've got a book.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27A hook, a look and a book.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Have a quick read of it anyway, will you, Padre? Cheers.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36- All set for tonight? - Yup. Think so. Yup.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Er...what did you order those for?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Well, he told me to keep ordering it, so...
0:08:40 > 0:08:43No, that's an old-style suit. No air con.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Standard issue for Northern Ireland.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Capable of withstanding petrol bombs and permanent drizzle.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52I'm going to get creased again. I filled out the form on the computer.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Er...! Rule one. Don't fill out the form.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Call them up and say you're with Counter-IED.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58- They'll tell you to fill in a form. - Right, so I fill out the form.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Er...! You've already forgot rule one, don't fill out the form.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02All right. Don't get cross.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Rule two, get cross, and then ask for their name.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05- That usually shits them up. - All right.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08- Rule two, get cross, get their name. Rule three?- Put the kettle on.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- What, after I get their name? - No. Now. Milk.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12One sugar.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Oh. Aha! I get it.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16New bomb suits?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Well, old bomb suits. New old bomb suits. They're not required.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22I mean, we do require some suits, but those aren't the suits you're looking for.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26Are you trying to do a Jedi mind trick on me?
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Oh. Ha!
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Listen, Bird,
0:09:30 > 0:09:33how am I going to prove to Mary that I'm not only interested in one thing?
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- Stop trying to have sex with her. - Yeah, but if I do that,
0:09:35 > 0:09:39- how am I going to get to have sex with her?- Mm, the eternal conundrum.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53Oof.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57OK, guys! So, you know how Nick is the "ten bombs guy", right?
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Well, Mary says I need a hook.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Er...for my book.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05A short punchy description about me.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07So...?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- I do not think this will end well. - No.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14How about Lance Corporal Lansley, "not officer material"...
0:10:14 > 0:10:16OTHERS SNORT "Sandhurst."
0:10:16 > 0:10:17That wasn't Sandhurst, actually.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20That was Captain Glover in my regiment said that about me.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21That's all right, then.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Lance Corporal Lansley, five foot seven!
0:10:24 > 0:10:26CHUCKLES
0:10:26 > 0:10:30Lance Corporal Lansley, first-class fuckwit.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- LAUGHTER - I don't know why I said anything.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35I was quite surprised.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57CRUNCHING
0:11:12 > 0:11:13CLICK
0:11:15 > 0:11:16WHISPERS
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Honey! I'm home!
0:11:40 > 0:11:42GUNSHOTS
0:11:42 > 0:11:44GUNFIRE
0:11:52 > 0:11:54PANTING
0:11:54 > 0:11:55GUNFIRE
0:11:55 > 0:11:57PANTING
0:11:57 > 0:11:59GUNFIRE
0:12:02 > 0:12:04SHOUTS
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I've got this! You crack on!
0:12:08 > 0:12:11GUNFIRE
0:12:13 > 0:12:15- Rocket, get a medic!- Yeah.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Mac, watch the door.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19Thank God.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23- Are you Astrid Nygaard?- No, I'm the Little fucking Mermaid.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25- What?- Yes, I'm Astrid Nygaard!
0:12:25 > 0:12:27- What?- Medic coming.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29- Is she the Danish bird?- Aye.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32SHOUTING OUTSIDE Fucking hell! She is hot.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Super-fucking-hot. I mean, she is gorgeous.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Thank you very much.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- You speak English?- Of course!
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Shit. Oh! If you know the results of Hibs-Celtic, don't tell us!
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Let's go. I found the hostage, everyone!
0:12:46 > 0:12:48I found the hostage! Medic!
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Simon! What the hell were you doing
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- racing off like a lunatic when... Hello.- It's you!
0:12:52 > 0:12:55From the newspaper. Ten bombs in a day.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- Just doing my job.- So brave!
0:12:58 > 0:13:00And even taller than I thought.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Medic! Where's this medic?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04It's good to meet you, Captain.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- Call me Nick.- All right.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07- Come this way, please.- Oh.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11- You're going to be fine, just fine. - Thank you.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14What? Look, I have other interests, OK?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Yeah, but one main one.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Well done, everyone!
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Really good job, every...
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Move out.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29MARY: Well done. Oh, well done.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31I hear it was a success. Well done, guys. Where's the hostage?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- I don't know. Why are you asking me? - I thought that you...
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Look, I'm not going to sleep with her, OK? Jesus!
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Blimey.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42HELICOPTER WHIRRING
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- SIGHS:- Huh!
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Hi, Nick.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Oh.
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Hello.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02I wanted to, um...thank you properly for rescuing me.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Actually, er... Simon rescued you, so...
0:14:04 > 0:14:09Yes, but I did not have his picture on my office wall.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Well, as Simon's commanding officer, I...
0:14:14 > 0:14:17..suppose it was me, in a way,
0:14:17 > 0:14:19that...rescued you.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Yes.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Cashew nut?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27You're not as sexually confident as I expected, Nick.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Er...bloody am, actually. It's...
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Hey.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42OK.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47PANTING AND GRUNTING
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Sorry. Er...fiddly.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Um...help yourself to a nut.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55- SHE CHUCKLES - Somebody likes you. Who sent these?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Oh, they're from...
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Actually, they're from the Padre.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- Best Padre ever.- Yeah.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Um...
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Sorry, maybe this isn't a good idea.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11You're kidding, right?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14We're only interested in one thing, aren't we?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Actually, I'm not...actually.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Good. Sure, you're deep and meaningful.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Now can you please have sex with me?
0:15:23 > 0:15:27You have got to be fucking joking. This is your only chance.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- I know. Tomorrow you'll be gone, and...- No, tomorrow I'll be famous.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Hot hostage who got rescued? I'll be on chat shows.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Denmark only has one chat show, but I will be on it. A lot.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39Sorry.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43My mother was right. British guys are fucking weird.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- Come on, then.- Nick?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06A word, please.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08I'm very disappointed in you.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Astrid was in a really vulnerable position
0:16:10 > 0:16:12and to take advantage of that is just... Well, it's wrong, actually.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Bit sexist to assume it was Nick who took advantage of her.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Well, was Nick emotionally vulnerable after being kidnapped by the Taliban?
0:16:17 > 0:16:19- Not really. - He could hardly say no, could he?
0:16:19 > 0:16:20She'd been imprisoned for two months.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21She must have been desperate. No offence.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23He could have exercised some self-control.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Why do you care? Oh! Do you want to sleep with Nick?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29I'm the Padre. It would be totally preposterous.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30- Do you want to sleep with him?- No.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- I have a duty of care to Astrid. - You're jealous.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33- No, I'm not.- Are so.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35I'm not going to resort to, "No, you're not, yes, you are" with you.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36- Yeah, you are.- No, I'm not.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- See?- Look. This isn't really your business, so...
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- Fine.- Fine.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- I didn't sleep with her. - BOTH: What?
0:16:45 > 0:16:49- I saw her leaving your quarters. - She was up for it.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51- I said no.- Bollocks.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Nick, it's not the sex that I disapprove of. It's the lying.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56- A minute ago it was the sex. - Yeah, it is the sex too.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59But lying is cowardly and it's wrong.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02I'm not impressed, Nick. Badly done.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- Ooh! Hey, Mary! Did you hear? - Oh, yes, I did, Simon.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Well done. You've got your hook.
0:17:07 > 0:17:12Yeah. I'm the hot-Danish-aid-worker-rescuing lance corporal guy. Bang, bang!
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- Sorry.- Snappy.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- Oh, dear. - I don't understand.
0:17:31 > 0:17:339381.
0:17:33 > 0:17:379...831. Oh, no.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Rule four, attention to detail.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Rule five, put the kettle on again.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- Ooh, nice one.- No. Piss off, Bird!
0:17:42 > 0:17:45And you, Simon. I'm tired of being pushed around.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48This is good, Millsy. Rule two, get cross.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Now, get on the phone to the QM and imagine the guy on the other end
0:17:51 > 0:17:53just nicked all the A's from your Scrabble set.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56All nine of them?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Well, who would do that?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01BEEPING
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Hello?
0:18:05 > 0:18:06Hi. Yeah.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Yeah, I'm really pissed off!
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Yeah. Lives are at stake here!
0:18:11 > 0:18:13I want action and I want it now.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Yeah, yeah, sure, I'll hold.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23That's good, Simon, but braver.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24- Yeah?- Braver.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Braver! Ignore that.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Just keep looking at me, smile and look brave.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Like you're going to kill me. You're going to kill me! Grr!
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Yeah, now left a bit. That is good, Simon.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Keep looking at me.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Yeah, that is good. That is good, Simon.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- Yeah?- Brilliant.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Chin up.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Oh, that is... Phew.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- A few more. - You've got to have the shot by now.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Come on! Come on, it's boiling!
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- OK, we're done.- Right.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59They're in there. Oh, yes.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- They're basically all the same after that.- Cool.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Could you pick out the best one and just mock it up for me?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09- With pleasure. - Bird, you are the best!
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Ho-ho! Hook! Tick! Look! Tick! I am sorted.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Bird? Is he coming back?
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Why? Are you avoiding him?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- I've just spent the morning trying to read his book.- And?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28It's very detailed. It gives a really strong sense of who Simon is.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Ooh, that bad?
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Yeah, it's a bad book. Mm-hm. It's an anti-book.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34But it doesn't matter, does it?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Because he's already got the hook and the look.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Yeah, it's not like he's gonna want any kind of validation
0:19:39 > 0:19:41from an authority figure.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Oh, no.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Do I have to tell the truth?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Hang on, what was it you said about lying? Oh, yeah, that it's cowardly and wrong.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Yes. Very good.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- But he's not going to make you swear on the Bible, is he?- We're off.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56- Transport in ten.- Yeah, hang on. - Come on, Bird! Move your arse!
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Shit. I think I've broken Millsy.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Right.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Time to take a dekko at the bomb.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12Boss, there's a new suit.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15MAN SPEAKING ON RADIO
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Well, it appears to have a very effective cloaking device.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21Look, that'll be it now.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29So, a point's a point.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Just stop fucking gloating about the fucking fitba!
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- It's not like Hibs won!- Nil-nil.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- Respectable result...for Celtic. - We didnae have
0:20:37 > 0:20:38our best striker. And that sending off...
0:20:38 > 0:20:41OK, you two, settle this when you get back. Play tiddlywinks or something.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43As long as Mac gets one less wink.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45- It was never a red card! - Eyes on!
0:20:47 > 0:20:51I'm impressed. Still not going to wear it.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- But nice work, Millsy. - Boss, just wear the fucking suit.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58For me?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- Fine.- Yes!
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- KNOCKS - Hello?- Oh, hello.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- You're still with us. - Yes, transport problems.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Listen, I... I need to talk to you about Nick.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Yes, I thought this might happen.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Sadly, Nick is only interested in one thing.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17So, why won't he sleep with me?
0:21:17 > 0:21:20What? You didn't?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23He said it wasn't a good idea. Bullshit! It was a great idea.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25- Was it? Really? - I haven't had sex in two months!
0:21:25 > 0:21:28No, well, the thing about Nick is, he...
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Oh, I see. Oh, you and him, you're fucking?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Can you imagine?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- I'm not...- So, what's his problem?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41OK, I'm stuck here for another 18 hours,
0:21:41 > 0:21:45so you can tell Nick from me that he should...pull out his finger.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- Right. I'll pass that on.- Great.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Or not.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59It's a tricky one, Millsy.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02I think we're gonna need to break out the old flying scalpel.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03And how's the suit for you there, boss?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05I'm only wearing it for you, Millsy.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Personally, I think my bum looks big in it, but...
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- MILLSY: Shit! - Hello, Diamond 21!
0:22:14 > 0:22:17This is Bluestone 42. Contact IED. Wait out!
0:22:17 > 0:22:19- Boss!- Everyone all right?
0:22:19 > 0:22:20Yeah.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22GROANS
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Boss!
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Oh.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Ow! Fuck!
0:22:27 > 0:22:30- Boss, are you all right?- Millsy?
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Check my balls.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- What?- Check my balls.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Everybody, help!
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Millsy's totally touching my balls!
0:22:46 > 0:22:49LAUGHTER
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- I'm glad you're OK, boss.- Oh, God.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53Make me a brew and ask me again.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Make it yourself! I've been on the phone all day
0:22:56 > 0:23:00- trying to get the bloody suit that just literally saved your arse!- Yeah.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Yeah, when you put it like that...
0:23:04 > 0:23:06..we probably should get Bird to make it.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10It's OK, boss, it's my job. I know how you like it.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22- Lance Corporal Lansley, can I have a word?- Sir?
0:23:24 > 0:23:28Congratulations on your rescue of that Danish girl. Very good. Very good indeed.
0:23:28 > 0:23:29- Just doing my job, sir.- Yeah.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- We're going to say that Nick did it. - Sir?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34We're going to say that Nick rescued the hostage.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Yeah, the PR monkeys want to throw this to that woman
0:23:37 > 0:23:38at the Express he shagged.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40CHUCKLES
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Good for the team.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45You know the best soldiers are the ones that go unnoticed.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Like waiters.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Till they kick the doors down and shoot everyone.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Unlike waiters.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54You follow?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57I think so, sir.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58Good man. Carry on.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Jesus... Padre?
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Oh, Simon. Yes. I heard about that IED. Is Nick OK?
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- Cos I should probably go... - He's fine. Nick's always fine.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26- Well, he might be...- We're all fine!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28If you could just let me know about the book.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32And don't beat around the bush. I've been shot at. I can take it.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Well...well, it's certainly...
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Bird said this might happen.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Tell me the truth. It's terrible, isn't it?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Yes, Simon.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Truly terrible.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54I didn't expect you to agree with me!
0:24:54 > 0:24:57You're supposed to say, "No, Simon, it's not terrible!"
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Bloody hell, Padre! You're supposed to be keeping up morale!
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Simon, but it's fine, because you've still got your hook.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06No, I've lost my hook. They're going to say that Nick rescued Astrid.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Oh, shit.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09- Sorry.- All I have is my look.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Thanks, Padre.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Fucking hell.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Nick, can I come in? I owe you an apology.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Stay there.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52It's fine, really. See you later.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56No, no, it's not fine, because I didn't trust you and I should have.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Hi, Mary! Thanks for passing on my message.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00Best Padre ever.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03He really pulled out his finger.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07I was just...debriefing her.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- Oh! That reminds me.- Oh...
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Nick, I really wanted to believe that you were better than this.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Yeah, but you didn't, did you?
0:26:15 > 0:26:17So I thought I might as well just go ahead
0:26:17 > 0:26:18and do all the things you accused me of.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21And some other things that Astrid thought of.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Right!
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Boss, game on! We're playing a decider. Hibs-Celtic.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Full-contact power football extreme!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- WHISTLE BLOWS - Gentlemen!
0:26:35 > 0:26:41Lady. Welcome to the inaugural game of power football extreme!
0:26:41 > 0:26:44CHEERING
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Hibs versus Celtics!
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Celtic will kick off.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53WHISTLE BLOWS
0:26:53 > 0:26:56SHOUTING
0:26:56 > 0:26:58# Deep in the castle and back from the wars
0:26:58 > 0:27:01# Back with my lady and the fire burned tall
0:27:01 > 0:27:04# "Hurrah!" went the men down below
0:27:04 > 0:27:07# All outside was the rain and snow
0:27:07 > 0:27:10# Hear their shout, hear their roar
0:27:10 > 0:27:15# They've probably all had a barrel and much much more
0:27:15 > 0:27:17# Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah, yeah... #
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Come on!
0:27:27 > 0:27:29# Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah, yeah
0:27:29 > 0:27:31# Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah
0:27:31 > 0:27:35# Yeah, yeah, yeah
0:27:35 > 0:27:38# Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah, yeah... #
0:27:38 > 0:27:40WHISTLE BLOWS # Over the hills went the swords
0:27:40 > 0:27:43# Of a thousand men... #
0:27:44 > 0:27:47GROWLING
0:27:48 > 0:27:50SNIGGERS
0:27:50 > 0:27:51Ref!
0:28:04 > 0:28:07Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd