0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Hey, hear about that guy that nearly died up at HQ?
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Funny story!
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Really not that funny, Mac.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16He was found, right, passed out with an orange in his mouth
0:00:16 > 0:00:19and his cock in his hand! (LAUGHS)
0:00:19 > 0:00:20That is quite funny, Simon.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23So, what, was he hungry?
0:00:23 > 0:00:25No!
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Auto-erotic asphyxiation.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Heightens the orgasm.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31It's not funny, because he probably has mild brain damage.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33But he's up at HQ, so no-one will notice.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35(LAUGHTER)
0:00:35 > 0:00:37He's been sent home. Imagine that -
0:00:37 > 0:00:40"Oh, hello, love, you're back early. Why's that?"
0:00:40 > 0:00:41"No reason."
0:00:41 > 0:00:42"Orange juice?"
0:00:42 > 0:00:44"Er... No, thanks!"
0:00:44 > 0:00:47What would your fiancee think of that, Simon?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Obviously, that would never happen.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51- Not a fan of the citrus-powered wank?- NO!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Oh, shite! For a wedding present,
0:00:53 > 0:00:57me and Rocket were going to club together and get you a grapefruit!
0:00:57 > 0:00:58So everyone up for poker tonight?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00- Aye.- Of course.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Here, boss - you know you fancy the padre?
0:01:02 > 0:01:04You should get her to play poker.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07But instead of money, you should do strip poker.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10No, I'm not bothering with her any more. She's a padre.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11She's all...good and everything.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Where's the fun in that?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Nowhere, that's where.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18She's dull. She's duller than a wet weekend in Wigan
0:01:18 > 0:01:20with a female blood relative,
0:01:20 > 0:01:22- so you can't even... - I don't like this, boss.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- Oh, shit - what have you got? - I just heard an, "Allahu Akbar".
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Charlie, Charlie 1, this is Bluestone 42.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Be advised, possible incoming.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30OK, guys. It's going to get bouncy.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32(GUNFIRE)
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Raise, 20.
0:02:06 > 0:02:0820? You're kidding?
0:02:08 > 0:02:1120? Shit.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12How much is in the pot now?
0:02:12 > 0:02:1490 pence.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17(SIGHS) Too much for me.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20You'd better not be bluffing, you spawny bastard.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26Call.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Two pair.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29Read 'em and weep.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32There will be tears...of joy, cos I have trips!
0:02:34 > 0:02:37I saved your arse this afternoon and this is how you repay me?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Three cards with the same number on, Rocket. That's good.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42So trips is the same as three-of-a-kind?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Razor sharp, this one.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Come on, Rocky - your deal.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Sorry I'm late. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Come on, Millsy - you sit next to me.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Bird, Mac, blinds.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Ah, Mary - fancy a few hands of Texas Hold 'em?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Actually, I try to keep away from gambling...
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Come on, it's only 5 and 10ps,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01I don't think you're going to lose your shirt, although...
0:03:01 > 0:03:02let's not rule that out, actually.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03And so it begins.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Seriously, Simon's not here yet - take his place.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09We don't want to make Rocket deal again, it'll take him 20 fucking minutes.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11- Come on, Padre.- Come on!
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Remember, Rocket's shite, so you can take him to the cleaners.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Piss off.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17All right. A couple of hands.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- Whoo!- Get in!
0:03:21 > 0:03:23How many cards is it, again?
0:03:23 > 0:03:24- ALL: Two!- All right!
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Oof!
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Oh...fuck.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43That is unbelievable.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47- Sorry about that. - Skip, you've missed all the fun.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- Shut up, Mac.- Mary's just taken three quid off him.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51She slow-played pocket jacks - who does that?!
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I do that - so I can beat pedestrians like you.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Padre, Charlotte's having second thoughts.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Fair enough. She wants a real man.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Not about me, knobhead!
0:04:00 > 0:04:01About the venue.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03She wants to get married in Scotland.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04- Great.- Are we invited?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- Brilliant.- So we can come too? Very thoughtful, Skip.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08But we'd already decided!
0:04:08 > 0:04:10The River Court conference hotel, Stansted.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12It's perfect. Wedding licence,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14good access to the M11, ample parking...
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Well, nothing says romance like good access to the M11.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Oh, Simon, ample parking - you're making me so wet!
0:04:21 > 0:04:23(LAUGHTER)
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Padre, are the rules different in Scotland?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I mean, could we get a priest to do it if the venue had a civil licence?
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Simon! I became an Army padre
0:04:30 > 0:04:33so I wouldn't have to spend my life talking about weddings, OK?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35- Yeah, I just thought...- We're kind of in the middle of a game.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Millsy! Deal!
0:04:37 > 0:04:41I really fancy some snacks - something like crisps, nuts...
0:04:41 > 0:04:42Oh, pork scratchings.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Or tablet. I love tablet.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47So, Nick, what's the big plan?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Are you going to play safe, lose more money? Because that's a good plan.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52The big plan...
0:04:52 > 0:04:54is not to play for 10p bets.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Why don't we make it no limit? Good plan?
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Fine.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02No limit. Let's do it.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Fold.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12- Nope.- Fold.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Raise.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15A pound.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19- Fold?- Raise.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- Another pound.- Raise.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Five pounds.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25Go on.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Go on, call it.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Go on, call the bet.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Or are you scared? Are you scared because it's five pounds?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Call.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- Raise.- Fuck!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- What's going on? - Will you take an IOU?
0:05:46 > 0:05:47I'd rather take the shirt.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49That one didn't even register.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I owe you...
0:05:52 > 0:05:54..£100.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- Really?- Serious? - What's going on?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58- You are fucking kidding me! - Call.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05ALL: Oh!
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- Flush draw. - Yes, we know, Millsy.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10I didn't.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Basically, any heart will win it for Mary, except for the...
0:06:12 > 0:06:13Just turn over the card!
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Yes! Yes!
0:06:19 > 0:06:20Get in! In your face, Medhurst!
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Yes! Thank you, good night!
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Oh, shit!
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Er, Padre...
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Are you all right, boss?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36I have never been more aroused.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Mary!
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- Mary, you forgot your winnings. - I don't want to talk about it.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- But I owe you a hundred quid. - No, you don't.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48I mean, what were the odds of you winning that hand?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50- 12.1%.- Really?
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Yeah. I thought you had pocket tens and the big bet would push you off, but...
0:06:53 > 0:06:55I shouldn't have been playing.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56I... I just shouldn't have been playing.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Yes, you should - you are clearly amazing at poker.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Thanks, but it makes me a different person.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- You saw how I was with Simon. - It's only Simon!
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- It can't happen again. - It must happen again!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- You have a gift. - No, I don't, I have an addiction!
0:07:06 > 0:07:07Had an addiction.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Awesome!
0:07:09 > 0:07:10Oh, dear.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Mary!
0:07:18 > 0:07:20This is in the strictest confidence, OK?
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Of course.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24I lost a lot of money.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27And my MG. OK, my fiance's MG.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28And my fiance.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29Shit!
0:07:29 > 0:07:33But he was about to go to the Falklands, so he wasn't going to need a car anyway
0:07:33 > 0:07:35and I would've won it back the next week, so...
0:07:35 > 0:07:37There had been a breakdown in trust, I know that now...
0:07:37 > 0:07:39I'm the worst padre ever.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Or the best!
0:07:41 > 0:07:43I'm going to phone my sponsor, make amends.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46But this is why I don't gamble any more!
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Marry me.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50I mean...
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Mary, me...
0:07:53 > 0:07:54and you...
0:07:55 > 0:07:56..should do...
0:07:56 > 0:07:58more...
0:07:58 > 0:08:00on this.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02I'll see you at breakfast.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03You bet.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Ah! "You bet"!
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Don't get up.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16Oh, too late!
0:08:16 > 0:08:20Bird, a word. If you wouldn't mind stepping out of the Det?
0:08:20 > 0:08:24- Sir?- Probably heard about the sticky situation up at HQ?
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Your boss got caught thrappping himself half to death with an orange in his mouth.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30That was Jeff? Bloody hell.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Mm. What's the first rule?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Don't get caught thrapping yourself half to death with an orange in your mouth.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I'll... I'll bear that in mind, sir.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39So, they need an ECM adviser, sharpish.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43High time you got the nod, especially after anticipating that contact today.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44You'll be double-hatting at first.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47You'll need to bone up on all of this.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48Wait, they want me to be chief bleep?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Yes, keep up. Probationary period as acting sergeant.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55Stay with your team for now, but you'll be up to HQ for the odd meeting - very odd,
0:08:55 > 0:08:57I expect, given the orange incident! Ha!
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- Anyway, congratulations, Bird. - Thank you, sir.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Word to the wise - don't be an RPA.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07- Sir?- Recently Promoted Arsehole.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Got it, Chief.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Just like that, ACTING Sergeant.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25They charge extra for the hire of napkin rings!
0:09:25 > 0:09:27SIMON: Bloody hell.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33This where you're getting married?
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Drumcredie Castle.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Bum-credie Castle.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Yeah, Charlotte wants to go there, but...
0:09:38 > 0:09:41"For a perfect, magical day..."
0:09:41 > 0:09:42For a perfect, magical gay!
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Yes, all right, Mac.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Skip, don't get married here.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Yes! Impractical, right?
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I mean, it's miles away, and the corkage... Extortionate.
0:09:50 > 0:09:55No, it's not that. It's the old Scottish saying - marry in castle, arseh'l.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Is it?
0:09:56 > 0:09:57No! Is it?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59- Is it? Is it?- Mm-hm.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Thanks for the support, guys.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Phwoar! Hey, Rocket - look at that, eh?
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Who knew that Millsy had such a filthy looking girlfriend, eh?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- I don't have a girlfriend. - Who's this, then, eh?
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Hey, that's my sister - give it back!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17I'm sorry.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18That just won't be possible at this time.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- Mac! Now.- Fight me for it.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I'm not going to fight you for it, just hand it over.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24You could fry an egg on those hot pants...Tssss!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Give it back. Well, that is quite an outfit.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28She's 17.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Aye...legal!
0:10:30 > 0:10:31And she was 15 when the picture was taken.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33(LAUGHS) Paedo!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35We were on holiday in Italy.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Ah! The age of consent in Italy is 14, so...
0:10:37 > 0:10:39legal!
0:10:39 > 0:10:40How do you even know that?
0:10:40 > 0:10:4414 is legal in loads of countries - Albania, Austria, Brazil...
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Mac, have you learnt the age of consent in every country?
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Wikipedia.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51(WHISPERS) My God.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52Come on, Millsy - me and you, square go.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Winner keeps the picture.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55Give it back, it's his sister.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Nah.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- What did the colonel want, Bird? - Oh, nothing.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Well, something.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02They need a new chief bleep.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04They want me.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05I've been bumped up to Acting Sergeant.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- Nice one!- Whoo!
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Yes, I'll be double-hatting at first...
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Good idea - you don't want to get pregnant.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14It doesn't matter.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17So, I'll be off to Bastion.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Oh, up at HQ with the big boys.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Yep.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Not here, saving your arses.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25Well, they'll be lucky to have you.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Thanks, Simon.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Guys.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Anyway...lot of work.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37What are we going to do without Bird?
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Well, she'll just be replaced by someone with identical training
0:11:39 > 0:11:40and do the exact...
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Oh. I get it.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Bird's awesome, yeah!
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Anyway...photo.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Fight!
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- Can't we just tell her not to go? - No!
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Big chance, big promotion, big job like this?
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- Big job!- Big jobbie!
0:12:01 > 0:12:02I see, yep...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04No, it's a big promotion...
0:12:04 > 0:12:05"With a big jobbie like this!"
0:12:05 > 0:12:06All right...
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Big jobbie!
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Yes, I understand...
0:12:10 > 0:12:12(LAUGHTER)
0:12:13 > 0:12:15See you, Jobbie!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- What?- You know how I said I'd never been more aroused?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Yeah.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27I have to inform you I have now been further aroused.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30My levels of arousal are currently unprecedented.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Well, that is great, boss.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- Um, listen - I need to talk to you... - Mary's a gambling addict.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37She spunked away her fiance's MG.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Really?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Wow. Anyway, boss, the thing is...
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Cos gambling's got to be my way in, right?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45I mean, if I can convince Mary to start gambling again,
0:12:45 > 0:12:47she'll weaken and give up trying to be good.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Yes, great, now can you bloody listen to me? I've been promoted.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Acting Sergeant.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- They want me to be chief bleep. - Oh, nice one, Bird.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56About time. Oh, that's why there's a chopper here, to take you to HQ,
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- some kind of meeting or something? - And you didn't start with that?
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Fucking hell, Nick!
0:13:01 > 0:13:04And FYI, my job is more important to me than your stupid sex life, OK?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06(COUGHS) RPA!
0:13:06 > 0:13:07Up your cocking arse, Nick!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28What's it going to be today? Fried or scrambled?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- Fried again, probably. - Yeah, I reckon it's scrambled.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Care to make it interesting?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Oh, very good, Nick - sensitive.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Go on. Sportsman's bet. Next person in, corporal or above.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40No! Nick, you don't seem to understand - this isn't funny for me.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Would you offer a heroin addict some heroin?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Depends what I was getting in return.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Oh, there's Simon - I need to make amends to him.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50You haven't made amends to me!
0:13:50 > 0:13:52I tore up that IOU.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Yeah, but you ruined the game and the emotional damage of that and...
0:13:55 > 0:13:56What about my reputation?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59I'll settle for a bottle of single malt.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01A packet of pork scratchings?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Hi, Simon....
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Um...
0:14:09 > 0:14:11I have a problem with gambling.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12Really?
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Shit!
0:14:14 > 0:14:18Yes, so I wanted to apologise for last night and make it up to you if I can.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20- OK.- So if you want to talk about your wedding...
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Yes!
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Charlotte wants to get married in a Scottish castle.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Well, you know what they say...
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Yeah. Marry in a castle, arsehole.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Do they?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34What they do say is...
0:14:34 > 0:14:37You've just spent your engagement thinking about the wedding.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39She's spent her whole life.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43I mean, when I was little, I wanted this red and gold theme with a big canopy
0:14:43 > 0:14:44and these little stars sewn in...
0:14:44 > 0:14:45This isn't about me.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Drumcredie is ridiculous.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Inverness is the nearest town.
0:14:51 > 0:14:5255 minutes away.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57River Court is near the house, plenty of parking, corkage is reasonable.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- It ticks all the boxes.- Does it?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Oh, yes.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05That looks...comprehensive.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09If you want to change her mind, you can't just dig your heels in -
0:15:09 > 0:15:10say that it's nice...
0:15:10 > 0:15:11She wants to release doves.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Doves!
0:15:14 > 0:15:15Pigeons, I can understand.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17They'd fly home, we'd get the deposit back.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Is there a third option?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21We did look at somewhere called Handleford Hall,
0:15:21 > 0:15:22but it's limited parking
0:15:22 > 0:15:25- and the ground staff... - We're on. Transport in ten.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Anything is better than there.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Yeah, this does look completely impr... Oh, no, but look!
0:15:29 > 0:15:32When you book, they Photoshop a picture of you out the front, looking all romantic...
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Bird, you're back! I missed you this morning, but I got you these.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49I've been busy.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Actually, Faruq got them for you, they're to hand out at your next meeting at HQ.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54It'll be hilarious.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Is my career a joke to you?
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Everything's a joke to me! We have met, right?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Just thought it'd be funny.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Well, I mean,
0:16:03 > 0:16:05it would be funny, but...
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Holland.
0:16:11 > 0:16:1216.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13Cyprus.
0:16:13 > 0:16:1417.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- Kenya?- 16.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Iran.
0:16:20 > 0:16:2216, but you need to be married.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Shite. Hope we don't invade Iran next.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28You and me both, my friend.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29You and me both.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Bird, Bird, Bird.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Sorry about the orange gag.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Let's talk about something else.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Ooh, what could you mean?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Oh, of course! You and Mary.
0:16:41 > 0:16:42Er, not necessarily.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44What happened?
0:16:44 > 0:16:45I got another knock-back.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Oh, well, excuse me while I pick myself up off the floor.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49It's not like you had a better plan, is it?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Well, if you actually like someone, Nick, maybe try and show them,
0:16:51 > 0:16:54rather than behaving like a mindless, selfish, adolescent prick.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Just a thought.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Kit's ready, boss, so if you...
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Oh, sick - it's stuck in his fucking helmet.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Oi, Mac!
0:17:05 > 0:17:06That's my photo!
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Aye!
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Very nice!
0:17:09 > 0:17:10(CHUCKLING)
0:17:20 > 0:17:21Knock-knock.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Yes, Captain Medhurst.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Look, I just wanted to stop by to say sorry.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27For?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29For... You know.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Permanently cracking onto me? Making jokes about my gambling habit?
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Not respecting me or my job?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35The middle one.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37And the last one.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39- Wait, what was the first one again? - Doesn't matter.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42I'm theologically compelled to forgive you, sadly.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43Great.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Listen, I really did want to say sorry.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Um, I know that sometimes I don't take things seriously enough
0:17:49 > 0:17:51and I know that losing a fiance...
0:17:51 > 0:17:52is terrible.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Do you?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57All right, thank you, Nick.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09How long were you together?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14- Three years. Engaged for six months.- Ah!
0:18:14 > 0:18:17I can't compete with that. Didn't even manage one month.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21What, you were engaged? It doesn't count if it was for a bet.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22(SCOFFS) No.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26Took her to Vienna, got down on one knee in the Riesenrad,
0:18:26 > 0:18:29- looking out over St Stephen's Cathedral.- Yeah, what happened?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31- You didn't cheat on her, did you? - I didn't cheat, no.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33We got back and in the cold light of Gatwick Airport,
0:18:33 > 0:18:35she 'fessed up to sleeping with one of my mates.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39- What? No! - Yeah, I was engaged for 16 hours.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Since then it's been hard to... find someone to trust.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Yeah, I can imagine that would be difficult.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49What was her name?
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Marianne, why?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Mary Ann?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Hm. No, no, no, no, no.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00I mean, good improvisation skills, but I can see what you're doing.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02"The cold light of Gatwick Airport"?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Come on. None of that's true, is it?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09No. No. Just... Just made it up.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Thought you'd be convinced by the detail.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Riesenrad.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Anyway, er, where are we with those pork scratchings?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Never mind. Crack on.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Ah, Sergeant Bird. Don't get up.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35HQ seem very keen on you, so want you up there for good on Friday.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Er, I thought I'd be double-hatting for a couple of weeks, sir.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39You can't wear two hats in the field for long.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- Unless you have a very big head. - Sir.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45So, you need to pick a new bleep for your detachment,
0:19:45 > 0:19:47and you'll be playing bridge in Bastion in no time.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Exciting.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Carry on.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- Sir.- Sir.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- We getting a new bleep? Gie's a look!- Yep.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Apparently I'm off in three days.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- Lucky you.- So, I'll be up to HQ.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Geek. Twat. Gay.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04- And not here. With you.- Gay.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- In three days? - Whoa! Who is that?
0:20:07 > 0:20:08Does this CV have measurements?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Yeah, yeah. Military personnel files have bust sizes.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- What? Really? - She's fit.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Corporal Ava Bishop. Yeah.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Yeah, easily the least qualified.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19- She looks pretty fucking qualified to me.- Aye!
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Yeah, cos when we disrupt enemy communications in the electronic battle space
0:20:23 > 0:20:26with our jamming capabilities, we operate the equipment with our tits.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I just heard "jam" and "tits".
0:20:28 > 0:20:30You do know this is to replace me, yeah?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Aye, your big promotion. Good on you. Can we get this one?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- Just give me that!- All right!
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Go on, piss off.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Hi, guys. Hiya, Bird.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Toffee?
0:20:46 > 0:20:50I just want to say, well done on your promotion.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- Thanks, Padre. - You pleased?
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Yeah.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Well, if that's your padre-ing done,
0:20:57 > 0:21:01- lot of work, so... - Yeah, absolutely, sure.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Just want to say, your team will miss you...
0:21:03 > 0:21:05What is their fucking problem?!
0:21:05 > 0:21:06Could they not show some sign of being sorry to lose me?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09They're all, like, "Off you fuck, Bird. Can your replacement have big tits?"
0:21:09 > 0:21:11I'm sure they actually...
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Have they not noticed that I save their lives on a daily fucking basis?
0:21:14 > 0:21:15I don't even want to go to HQ.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18I'd stay if they'd ask me, but they haven't, so fuck 'em.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Look, I'm not defending them,
0:21:24 > 0:21:27but these aren't the most emotionally mature guys
0:21:27 > 0:21:29we've ever met, are they?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I mean, look at Nick. He'd be quite a nice guy if he was...
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Oh, here we go! How have we ended up talking about Nick bloody Medhurst?!
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Yes, you're right.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Sorry. I'm, um...
0:21:37 > 0:21:39No. What did he say?
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Oh, nothing. Just a cock and bull story about being engaged. Blah-blah-blah.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Oh! Marianne. The Blonde Betrayer.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Oh, sh...
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Sugar. I just threw him out for making it up.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Ha!
0:21:51 > 0:21:53You're the...shittest padre ever.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Drumcredie Castle has loads going for it. It's beautiful.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04If you like that sort of thing. Which I do.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07And you don't mind how much the corkage costs. Which I don't. It's...
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Yup. Yup.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Yeah. Before we completely rule out all the other opt... Yeah.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Yep.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18No, happy to rule out River Court, despite its many practical bonuses.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Yeah. I wonder if there is a third opt...
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Darling, I've got to go.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Well...
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Yeah, the IED is quite important too.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Look, it's just a case of...
0:22:30 > 0:22:32No, I do like Bum...Brum... Drum...Drum...Drumcredie.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34(SPLUTTERS)
0:22:34 > 0:22:36But just have another look at Handleford Hall,
0:22:36 > 0:22:38because the corkage is...
0:22:38 > 0:22:40It doesn't matter. Bye!
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Bird? We getting that Corporal Ava?
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Fuck's sake. She's 26, Mac. Bit old for you.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- I'm broad-minded. - Yeah, well, she's not blind.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- All right, Millsy. We'll let that soak.- Boss.
0:23:04 > 0:23:09- Bird. A word. - Yes? What? Is this about Mary?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11No.
0:23:11 > 0:23:12Yes.
0:23:12 > 0:23:13Yes, she asked about your fiancee.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- Yes, I told her she 'fessed up to sleeping with your mate.- And?
0:23:16 > 0:23:19And no, I didn't tell her you then shagged her sister.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Awesome. Where would I be without you, Bird?
0:23:21 > 0:23:22Dead, I expect.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Yeah. Dead.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- Do you think she's all right? - I don't know, Millsy.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34I'm finding her particularly tricky to read at the moment,
0:23:34 > 0:23:36but no, I do NOT think she's all right.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10(ROCKET AND MAC LAUGH)
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Ah, Mary, can I have a word?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- Absolutely, yes, I owe you an apology.- We need to...
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- Oh, well...yes.- Yes.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22I'm sorry for what I said about your experience in Vienna.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23I know how painful that must have been.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27It's fine. It's all water under the Konstantinsteg.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31- Vienna's oldest bridge. - OK, you were in Vienna, I get it.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33- Now, you wanted a word with me? - Yeah.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35It's about Bird. I don't think she's happy.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37And at the end of the observation round, Nick's team scores one point.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- What's wrong with her? - Are you going to miss her?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Yeah, she's awesome, one in a million.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43- Have you told her that?- Yeah...
0:24:43 > 0:24:44probably.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46A while ago.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Oh, I see.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- Sergeant Bird.- Yes, sir.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Sorry, sir.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13The file for Corporal Ava Bishop's gone missing. Any ideas?
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Er, yeah, Mac would have picked that up.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18We should probably check his bunk.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Why don't we wait for him in the Det?
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Don't want to catch him "thrappus interruptus," do we?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25- Probably not, sir.- Shall we?
0:25:36 > 0:25:38(CHEERING)
0:25:39 > 0:25:43You bunch of soft bloody pansies. Thank you.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Ladies and gentlemen... Well, ladies and men.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49It's now time for the award for Best Bleep Ever.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50(WHOOPING AND CHEERING)
0:25:50 > 0:25:54There's only one nomination, and the award goes to...
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Sergeant Lynda Bird!
0:25:56 > 0:25:59(WHOOPING AND CHEERING)
0:25:59 > 0:26:04Bird, for services to Bluestone 42, we would like to present you with this
0:26:04 > 0:26:06hastily assembled piece of...
0:26:06 > 0:26:08award!
0:26:08 > 0:26:10(CHEERING)
0:26:10 > 0:26:11To Bird! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
0:26:11 > 0:26:14OK, raise a glass to me.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Cos I'm fucking brilliant and none of you lot should forget it.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18And just so you don't...
0:26:18 > 0:26:21I hereby announce that I will not be going to Bastion,
0:26:21 > 0:26:25but instead remaining here as Corporal Bird.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28(WHOOPING AND CHEERING)
0:26:28 > 0:26:32Oh, and Colonel... you can tell Corporal Bishop
0:26:32 > 0:26:35she's been spared a tour of duty with a bunch of sex pests.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36Here's to me!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38ALL: To Bird!
0:26:38 > 0:26:40By the way, there's one more award, there's one more award.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45This is the award for the lance corporal
0:26:45 > 0:26:47most likely to forget to log out of his e-mail,
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Simon Lansley.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54There was a cancellation at Bumcredie Castle,
0:26:54 > 0:26:57and your fiancee took it because you seemed so keen.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00- What?!- Oh-ho-ho-ho!
0:27:00 > 0:27:01Brilliant!
0:27:01 > 0:27:04(LAUGHTER)
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Arsehole! Arsehole! Arsehole!
0:27:07 > 0:27:08I got you...
0:27:08 > 0:27:10these.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Pork scratchings.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Always knew you were the best padre ever.
0:27:15 > 0:27:16They're not easy to come by in a strict Muslim country.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19I'm now pledged in marriage to Faruq's oldest son.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Still...nice to be engaged again.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Thanks, Nick.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Sir, I need your help getting a picture back from Mac.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31Before you go on, Corporal, take this folder back to my office.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Be extremely careful with that picture...
0:27:34 > 0:27:38because it could fall off and be very easily replaced.
0:27:38 > 0:27:39Sir.
0:27:39 > 0:27:40Carry on.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47Mac...
0:27:47 > 0:27:49swap?
0:27:49 > 0:27:50Brilliant!
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Hm.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Ha-ha!
0:27:54 > 0:27:56(GASPS)
0:27:56 > 0:27:59- Ooh! - BIRD: Go on, Mac.
0:28:00 > 0:28:01Fiver on Millsy.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03(CHEERING)
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd