0:00:03 > 0:00:07This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Well, it's not going to win fastest search dog at Crufts, is it, Millsy?
0:00:18 > 0:00:21It? The dog's got a name, boss. Monty.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Come on, Monty. Find the device, yeah?
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Yeah, Monty, and get turned into fine doggie mist!
0:00:27 > 0:00:28- Er, no!- No, boss.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Ow!
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Rather him than me, though, right?
0:00:33 > 0:00:35S'pose.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40- Lucky we've got all day. - I don't think he's well, boss.
0:00:40 > 0:00:45Oh, then, should we take the lickle bow-wow to the special doggy doctor?
0:00:45 > 0:00:47- Hey!- Good boy!
0:00:47 > 0:00:49- Hey, Monty!- Monty!
0:00:49 > 0:00:50- Good boy, Monty!- Good boy?!
0:00:50 > 0:00:52He didn't find anything!
0:00:52 > 0:00:55He's not well, is he? Is he, is he?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Right. I suppose it's all down to me, then.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59He doesn't look happy. Do you?
0:00:59 > 0:01:03Er...highly skilled being with opposable thumbs here.
0:01:03 > 0:01:04Ooooh!
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Would I command more of your attention
0:01:07 > 0:01:08if I licked my own bollocks?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11- Yeah, obviously.- Er, yeah.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41So until the doggy-woggy is bettery-wettery,
0:01:41 > 0:01:42the operation's on hold.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- Can't they spare another dog? - Apparently not.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47I imagine they're all busy being rogered by their handlers.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50So we can strap in for several days of sitting on our arses,
0:01:50 > 0:01:52and you, Mac, can masturbate to your heart's content.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Gleaming.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55I imagine it will be.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Don't forget to rinse Gloria out afterwards, yeah?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Ignore them, Gloria. They don't understand what we have together.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- Hi, guys.- Ah!
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Good afternoon. ALL MURMUR GREETINGS
0:02:06 > 0:02:09So, I was thinking, I'd like to do something really special
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- for everyone.- Excellent. - I want to get everyone together,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13have a bit of fun, bit of light relief.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- Ooh, sounds like an orgy, Padre.- No!
0:02:15 > 0:02:19I was thinking...a Mexican night.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Nice one, Padre!
0:02:21 > 0:02:23A Mexican night? Rejoicing in the culture
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- and history of that proud nation. - Exactly.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28The cookhouse got sent a job lot of out-of-date Doritos, did they?
0:02:28 > 0:02:29That may also be the truth, yes.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Let's celebrate this administrative error by wearing
0:02:31 > 0:02:34false moustaches and talking in slightly racist accents.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- IN MEXICAN ACCENTS: Hola, amigo! - You looking at my donkey?
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Arriba, arriba!
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- That the kind of thing you had in mind?- I just thought it might be fun.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44And I hear you guys aren't too busy, so if anyone would like to help...
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Yeah, because when we're not risking our lives bravely defusing bombs,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49we generally enjoying painting pretty pictures of cacti.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50- Gay!- It is my job to organise
0:02:50 > 0:02:53this kind of thing, Nick. Didn't the last padre do theme nights?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Yes and no.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58French night involved baguette fencing and a garlic-eating contest.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Spanish night involved Mac dressing up as a bull
0:03:00 > 0:03:03and us trying to poke him with bayonets,
0:03:03 > 0:03:05and Pakistani night involved
0:03:05 > 0:03:07the resignation of two of our translators.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11I think it's safe to say the bar for theme nights has been set pretty low.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Reading between the lines, I think Nick's saying, "Don't bother."
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Oh, you got that too? Right.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Thanks for the support, guys.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- I think a Mexican night is a good idea.- No, not doing it.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22THEY ALL CHAT Ooh, hello!
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Stranger!
0:03:23 > 0:03:25I'm Captain Parikh, Veterinary Corps?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Here to see Monty, who's unwell, obviously.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Otherwise why would I be here?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Well, it is a lovely part of the world
0:03:31 > 0:03:34especially if you like sweating and/or being blown to pieces.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Tell me about it. So...
0:03:35 > 0:03:40Monty is...looking a bit forlorn and is very sleepy.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43So that's scientific. SHE GIGGLES
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Sorry, Corporal B...
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Lynda. Bird.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50- Belinda Bird?- Bird.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51Lynda. Corporal.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Signals. Bleep.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Bird, are you speaking in Morse?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Sir, would you like some scran?
0:03:57 > 0:03:58I-I was about to ask you the same thing.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I should probably crack on with treating the dog.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Get to the bottom of it, possibly literally.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06- LAUGHS LOUDLY - Roger that!
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Not roger it, as in fuck it.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12But as in, you know, um... Let me point you in the right direction.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14In fact, I could show you.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17I could be your escort. Not escort as in prostitute,
0:04:17 > 0:04:19obviously, I'm not offering to have sex with you.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22You'd have to buy me dinner first.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Not that that would mean, um, we-we were in, er...
0:04:25 > 0:04:26Jesus!
0:04:26 > 0:04:27I know.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Worst flirt ever.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Right, Millsy, what am I doing next?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- Your paperwork, boss.- Ah, yes.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34Oh, Millsy?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Could you do my paperwork?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Sure thing, boss.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Hey! What's this doing here?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42One of them sappers must have left it.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Probably that poor fucker that lost his arms. Ha!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47"Property of Lance Corporal Jack Ferris."
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Fuck.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50I didn't know!
0:04:50 > 0:04:54You know, I've always wanted to learn how to play the guitar.
0:04:54 > 0:04:55As long as you make sure you focus on that
0:04:55 > 0:04:59- and not all that paperwork I may have recently mentioned.- What?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Oh. Yeah.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13And you're sure it's OK for me to use the chapel?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- Yeah, of course.- It's just, Charlotte sent me this DVD
0:05:16 > 0:05:18so I could learn the waltz for the wedding.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19I thought it best to keep it quiet.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21You know how Mac and Rocket would react.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23- IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:- Aye. Gay!
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Sorry, terrible accent.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Yes, it was.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Yeah. Learning to waltz, though. It's a good idea.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32If you get it right, Charlotte will find it proper sexy.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34I don't need it to be sexy, I need it to be right.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Oh, yeah, of course, yeah.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39But it's very hard to say no to a man who can dance.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42You think she might say no? I thought the dance was AFTER the vows.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- Shit!- No, it's just an expression.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Oh, right.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Good.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Yeah.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50I'm a sucker for dancing.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51I did salsa with my ex for a while.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Oh, was that before he dumped you because of your gambling addiction?
0:05:55 > 0:05:56Yes, it was.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Yeah.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00I love dancing.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02The feeling of being swept away.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04Away from all your...
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- Oh!- Ooh, you don't mind, do you?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11I mean, er, in the chapel.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Oh, er...no. No.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I'm not sure if the Bible has a view on inflatable sex toys, exactly.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Anyway, I should go, cos I've got lots to do.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21I should crack on.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27GENTLE WALTZ MUSIC PLAYS
0:06:42 > 0:06:44LOUDER WALTZ MUSIC
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Well, now!
0:06:54 > 0:06:56It's for my wedding, OK?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Charlotte's more open-minded than I thought.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00I'm trying to learn the waltz for my first dance.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Yet another reason not to get married, eh? Dancing's bad enough...
0:07:03 > 0:07:04Mary said it'd be sexy.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- Mary was wrong.- She said
0:07:06 > 0:07:08she could never say no to a man who could dance.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- She said what now? - She said she could never say no
0:07:10 > 0:07:11to a man who could dance.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Simon, you and I are going to learn how to dance.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- What?- This Mexican night will have dancing.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Oh, it is going to have a lot of dancing.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20This is going to be the theme night to end all theme nights.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23But not in the same way that Pakistani night nearly was.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- Great, well, I'll tell Mary. - No! Noooo.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Let's keep it as a nice surprise.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28What's the filthiest dance on here?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Mm, probably the tango.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32It's basically vertical dry-humping.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- Right, we're learning that. - That's Argentinian, not Mexican.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- So?- Salsa's Mexican.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38Salsa's for wankers. We're doing the tango.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Besides, it's time we learned to embrace our Argentinian friends.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Unless they try it on again, in which case, we'll brass the fuckers up.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Hang on! I need to learn the waltz.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50Simon, tango with me, I promise you waltzing to your heart's content.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51- Fine.- Right.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53- BOTH: You're being the women. - No!
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Simon, this is for Mary. You're being the woman.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58As long as you're the woman for me later.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Simon, I thought you'd never ask.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06# She don't want to go outside tonight
0:08:06 > 0:08:10# Cos in a pipe she'll fly to the motherland
0:08:10 > 0:08:12# Find love with another man
0:08:12 > 0:08:15# It's too cold outside
0:08:15 > 0:08:19# For angels to fly. #
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- ROCKET:- That was nice!
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Yes, thank you very much, Chris fucking Martin.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26It's Ed Sheeran, actually, boss.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28You learnt that in a couple of hours?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Well, yeah, I had a head start, I used to play the viola.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32So, have we got any transport coming
0:08:32 > 0:08:34or do I get to sit around for four to six more hours?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- Oi, oi, Bird!- Coming.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40Anyway, the local farmer's got a sick goat, so I'd better go.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Hearts and minds, you know?
0:08:42 > 0:08:43- Oh! - SHE GIGGLES
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Hearts and minds, yeah. Good one.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50Hearts and minds, even the hearts and minds of the goats.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Yeah, I think I said hearts and minds too much.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54I'm all about the hearts and minds.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56And the other organs, of course.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Oh! Because, yeah, yeah, you are a vet.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Brilliant. Brilliant.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Bird! Come on!
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Oh, well... B...
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Er, b-bye, then, um... Hearts and minds!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12OK.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17- So where we off to, Bird? - Oh, sorry,
0:09:17 > 0:09:19- I should have said, it's a false alarm.- Oh, bloody hell!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21We've been sitting here like arseholes!
0:09:21 > 0:09:24We really do have fuck-all to do. Thanks for the immediate heads-up.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Sorry, boss, I was just getting the full story off Tom.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29The vet. I mean, Captain Parikh.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31ALL HOOT WITH DERISION
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Fuck every last one of you.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Do you want to know the real reason why it was a false alarm?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37No, we'd rather just take the piss out of you for a few more minutes.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- "Oh, Tom! Oh, Tom!" - "Hold me tonight!"
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Guys?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45I'd really like a hand making some bunting for Mexican night.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46- Nah! - What did your last slave die of?
0:09:46 > 0:09:49We've all got important things to do. Full kit check at 1500.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51- What did YOUR last slave die of? - Oi, you heard!
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- Kit check! Come on!- Not you, Simon,
0:09:54 > 0:09:57we've got to go through our...movement controls.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59- What's that?- Nothing.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04I just want to do something useful around the base.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Oh, cos you noticed that none of those prayers of yours
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- ever get answered?- Well, one of them certainly hasn't been.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17WOMAN ON DVD: 'So you want to learn the dance of love?'
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Come on, we've got to get this right.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20It's not for me, this is for Mary.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24We're going to make this Mexican night unforgettable.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Believe me, I'm not going to forget this in a hurry.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28TANGO MUSIC
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Ah! The dance party that dare not speak its name.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Well, don't mind me.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Have you heard Millsy on that guitar? Boy's a genius.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42He's wasting his life titting about with IEDs.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44He could be the next James Blunt.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47I dabbled, of course.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Singing.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Guitar.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54Hanging around the place in ripped jeans, whining about girls.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57No sort of life, is it?
0:10:57 > 0:10:58- No, sir.- No, sir.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02# You're beautiful
0:11:04 > 0:11:05# It's true
0:11:07 > 0:11:08# I see your face
0:11:10 > 0:11:12# In a crowded place... #
0:11:14 > 0:11:15TANGO MUSIC
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Boss... I filled in the forms from last month
0:11:23 > 0:11:25which had a deadline of last week,
0:11:25 > 0:11:28so shall I get started on...? Boss, are you learning to tango?
0:11:28 > 0:11:29- No!- Why would you think that?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Well, I do watch Strictly. That is, my mum watches Strictly.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33Actually, we all watch it if it's on...
0:11:33 > 0:11:35All right, Millsy. I'm going to surprise Mary with a tango
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- at the Mexican night.- Oh, right, but you know the tango's from Argentina?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- Yes, I know, Millsy.- Sorry, boss.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42No-one will notice it's from Argentina if there's a shitload
0:11:42 > 0:11:44of Mexican bunting and flags and all that.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Can you make a shitload of Mexican bunting and flags and all that?
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- Yeah, but, sir, I've got to do the...- Bunt, Millsy, now.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51- Boss, the paperwork?- Millsy!
0:11:51 > 0:11:53It's MoD paperwork, bollocks to it. This is important.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54You heard me - get bunting.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57And whatever you do, don't tell Mac and Rocket about the dancing.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59- Why not? - Have you met Mac and Rocket?
0:11:59 > 0:12:00We'd never hear the end of it.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: "What you doing? Dancing?!
0:12:03 > 0:12:05"Gay! Gay! Gay!"
0:12:06 > 0:12:08"Gay..."
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Right, Simon.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14May I have this dance?
0:12:14 > 0:12:15TANGO MUSIC
0:12:18 > 0:12:20There you go. Lovely.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Excuse me...
0:12:23 > 0:12:25I'm so glad we found this secret place.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28MUSIC STOPS
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- Have you seen Corporal Bird? - Why do you want to know?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33She seems like a friendly enough sort, and...
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Oh, does she? Does she indeed?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Simon, go and round up Rocket, Mac and Millsy, meet me in my quarters.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45You.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Come with me. Let's go find her.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49So, you're interested in Corporal Bird?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51You said we were going to find her?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Let me introduce the committee. I'm Captain Medhurst,
0:12:54 > 0:12:57this is Corporal Mills, Lance Corporal Lansley
0:12:57 > 0:13:01and Private Armstrong. And your worst nightmare, and ours,
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Private McDowell.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Hello, spunk monkey.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07OK, this has been fun. So I'm just going to...
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Fun? Oh, we're not here for fun.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12This is all part of the... vetting process.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15LAUGHTER
0:13:15 > 0:13:17We're just very concerned for Bird's well-being.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21And we've got bugger all else to do. So, Parikh...
0:13:22 > 0:13:24..what are your intentions towards her?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Intentions? I'm not marrying her.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Oh, so you just want to use her for sex.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- Wrong answer!- Oh, come on...
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Shall I smack him, boss?
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Uh...not yet.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35So, come on, dog boy. Do you think you can keep her
0:13:35 > 0:13:37in the manner to which she's become accustomed?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39No' hard, to be honest. TV remote
0:13:39 > 0:13:41and a packet of Hobnobs, she's happy.
0:13:41 > 0:13:46What we want to know, Captain - how much do you make?
0:13:46 > 0:13:47None of your business!
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Answer, fucknuts!
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Just over 40K.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- I am fucking retraining. - That's double what I get.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Well done, you! It's no' fair,
0:13:55 > 0:13:56yous don't even get shot at.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Well, I do get shat on.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Even so, Captain, you are, with all due respect, a first-class pussy
0:14:01 > 0:14:04who minced his way through the Vicars and Tarts course at Sandhurst
0:14:04 > 0:14:06because he was good at biology.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Anyone else got any questions?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Aye. How far away is the moon?
0:14:10 > 0:14:12You got any STDs?
0:14:12 > 0:14:14No. I bloody haven't.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16You spend your time with your hand up a cow's arse.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18- You must have been tempted to slip one in.- No, Private.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21I've never been tempted to slip one in.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24And it's not their arse, but their vagina.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Hmm. Interesting.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Now, listen, Parikh.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30We'll be watching you.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32And if you mistreat Bird in any way...
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- Mac?- I'll rip your arms off
0:14:35 > 0:14:37and stuff them up your arse!
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Or should I say...
0:14:39 > 0:14:40vagina?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Have you ever been to Mexico, Bird?
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Nope.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Will and I went once on a holiday.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Well, it was in a resort in Cancun.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Will did find some lovely local things for us to...
0:15:06 > 0:15:08SHE GROANS It's all in the past.
0:15:08 > 0:15:09I'm really getting that.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13I didn't know the Mexican flag had a hedgehog in the middle of it.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14It's an eagle!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16CLEARS THROAT It's an eagle.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Sorry, I'm just really determined to make Mexican night
0:15:19 > 0:15:20a flipping success.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Tom! Morning.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25- Oh, hello, er, Corporal. - Want to grab a pew?
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Well, I'm not really, I mean...
0:15:27 > 0:15:30It's all right, I won't bite. And if I do, I haven't got rabies.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33That sounded classier in my head.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36It was funny. Ha-ha.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Although, rabies is actually quite a serious problem out here.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Right.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Have a seat.- Uh...OK.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49So, how's Monty looking?
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Better.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- And you're staying for...? - One more day.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57And...
0:15:57 > 0:15:59what's your favourite colour?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01- Blue.- Who've you been talking to?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03I didn't catch all of their names...
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I mean, no-one.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06I have to go now. Bye.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Ah! Mexican night.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Good work, Padre.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Thankless task.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Still, nice hedgehog.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25TANGO MUSIC
0:16:25 > 0:16:28'Feel the rhythm of the music and dip your partner!'
0:16:28 > 0:16:29OK, stop, stop.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Great! Can we learn the waltz now?
0:16:32 > 0:16:33At some point. Right.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36This track's no good because of the voice-over.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38You know what Mary would like?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Live music.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Millsy, you're going to have to learn tango music on that guitar.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Kind of got my hands full with bunting, boss.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48And we've run out of paper, so...
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Yeah. I'm not sure that Mary would...
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Never mind. Carry on, and take this DVD back a bit.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Right.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00'Feel the rhythm of the music and dip your partner.'
0:17:02 > 0:17:05What the fuck have you lot been saying to...?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- Let me stop there. What the fuck? - Bloody hell, Nick.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10I thought Thursday night was man-love night.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- It's for his wedding. - Anyway, what have you lot
0:17:12 > 0:17:15been saying to Parikh? Cos I just tried talking to him
0:17:15 > 0:17:16and he could not have given less of a shit.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Were you telling him your "I once met a Spice Girl" story?
0:17:19 > 0:17:20No.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23And FYI, that is a good story.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- Which one did you meet, by the way? - Mel C. Sporty.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27I always liked Ginger.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28- Oh, what?!- Oh, Jesus!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- I know, I'm not proud of it. - You shouldn't be.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Ginger was the boring one that boring people fancied
0:17:32 > 0:17:34because they thought she was a bit racy.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35You know, the kind of guys that think
0:17:35 > 0:17:37that doggy-style is really out there.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40I mean, obviously, I fancied the other four as well.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Actually, I had this dream once where all five of them were...
0:17:43 > 0:17:44- SHE GROANS - Never mind.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47So, look, are you going to help us prepare for Mexican night
0:17:47 > 0:17:49- behind Mary's back?- Ooo-oo-ooh!
0:17:49 > 0:17:52# Nick and Mary up a tree
0:17:52 > 0:17:54# D-A-N-C-I-N-G. #
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Dancing?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59- Up a tree?- Yeah.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Look, can you bunt so that Millsy can get on
0:18:01 > 0:18:03and learn his tango music?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05OK. OK, but you need to fix this with Parikh.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08And...be subtle, right?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Subtle. Right.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13What's wrong with Corporal Bird?!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Nothing! As far as I can tell,
0:18:15 > 0:18:17while keeping a respectful distance.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18Yeah, well, your respectful distance
0:18:18 > 0:18:22- is starting to come across as fucking rude.- FUCKING RUDE!
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- Right, what arm first, boss? - Get off!
0:18:24 > 0:18:25He's no' good enough for Bird.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Up to your elbow in a cow's jacksie?!
0:18:27 > 0:18:31- Vagina, it's the vagina!- Because the jacksie would be disgusting?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Sometimes you have to clear out the rectum before you...
0:18:33 > 0:18:34It's not important.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37You're lucky to have Bird interested in you at all.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38It certainly doesn't feel that way.
0:18:38 > 0:18:39She's honest. She's loyal.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42She's a surprisingly considerate lover.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43ALL: What?!
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Yeah.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Yeah, happened in Andover,
0:18:46 > 0:18:48when we said we were going to the George and Dragon.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Just got it out the way, said we'd never speak of it again.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Well, to each other, anyway.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55I spent bloody ages looking for that pub.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Anyway, any more questions for Parikh?
0:18:57 > 0:18:58Aye.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00How tall's a brontosaurus?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Morning, all.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03Don't get up.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Actually, I'm tied to the chair.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Oh, yes. Mary seems to be
0:19:06 > 0:19:08in a bit of a funk about this Mexican night,
0:19:08 > 0:19:10thinks she's not getting enough support.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13I presume you're organising it secretly behind her back
0:19:13 > 0:19:17- to try and impress her?- Um... - Good-oh. Anything I can do, etc.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Parikh, we're having a mini-shindig tonight.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25A min-dig, if you will.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27You're going to ask Bird along, I think?
0:19:28 > 0:19:29- We...- Thought so.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30Carry on.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36You heard him. RUN!
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Corporal Bird. Could we...?
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Yes, Captain Parikh?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02So, Corporal, I...
0:20:06 > 0:20:10I was wondering if you would like to go to this mini-shindig with me.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- Min-dig? Yeah, go on, then.- Great.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16So I'll see you at 20:00 hours?
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Will do.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19I'll be the one wearing this.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Right.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25NICK SNIGGERS
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Right, I think we've got them all. I'm going in.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30- BARKING - Wait, boss.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Monty's thinking about something.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Well, I'll be sure not to tread in it. Thank you, Bird.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38He's found another device, just outside the five and 20s.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Shit.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43That's a bit close for comfort.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45OK, we've got to move back, everyone.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Come on.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50There's a good boy, well done, well done, Monty!
0:20:50 > 0:20:55Now all you need to do is use the disruptor to cut the wire...
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Tell you what, I'll do that.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Who's a good boy? A good boy!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Do animals really have vaginas?
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Aye.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Obviously.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Do they?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24You just never think of it.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25Course they have vaginas.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Otherwise how would they shag each other?
0:21:28 > 0:21:29What about fish?
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Eh?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- Fish.- Do fish have vaginas?
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- Aye.- They must do...
0:21:36 > 0:21:38so they can get fish fingered.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- Fish don't have fingers.- I know.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42They're just called fish fingers
0:21:42 > 0:21:45but they're actually just made up of wee bits of fish.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Aye, I...
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Forget it.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51What about whales?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Whales probably have vaginas.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Massive fucking vaginas.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58I think most animals have vaginas.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Or some other thing for shagging and for having baby animals out of.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Baby animals come out of vaginas?!
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Aye! Where do you think they come out of?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Where is everybody?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15TANGO MUSIC
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Come on, Nick!
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Light, light on the feet!
0:22:27 > 0:22:28I'm wearing boots.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30It's about attitude, not footwear.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Look, can we just stop this now and start to learn the waltz?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37- Because Charlotte was quite insistent.- What, you expect me
0:22:37 > 0:22:39to compromise my non-existent relationship with Mary
0:22:39 > 0:22:41for some wedding? Now, come on.
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Look, I just think...
0:22:42 > 0:22:44All right, ladies, simmer down.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Take it back, Millsy, I want to practise the dip again.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49TANGO MUSIC
0:22:53 > 0:22:55What the fuck is this?!
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Exactly.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59If that's meant to be a tango hold, you've got serious problems.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- What?- Eh?
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Used to represent my school at Scottish country dancing.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Only did a wee bit of ballroom, but I know a dodgy hold when I see one.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Well, this takes the heat off me.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Mac, if you'd like to get started on the jokes.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Dancing, gay, Rocket's a buftie...
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Nothing gay about Scottish country dancing.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21I thought you were one of the good guys, Skip.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23But that's both homophobic and racist.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24You need to take
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- a long, hard look at yourself. - HE TUTS
0:23:28 > 0:23:29What about the Gay Gordons?
0:23:29 > 0:23:34There's nothing fucking gay about the Gay fucking Gordons!
0:23:35 > 0:23:38I stand corrected.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Speaking of which, Rocket, come and show us a proper tango hold.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Come on, come on.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Mmm... Mm-hmm.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48I was doing that.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50And...
0:23:50 > 0:23:51one, two, three, four.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54One, two, three, four.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56I'm impressed, Rocket.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- Thanks, boss.- Didn't know you could count that high.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08You know, I didn't expect anyone to help,
0:24:08 > 0:24:10but I thought people would come.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I mean, at least for the free Doritos.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13No.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- There you go.- Cheers.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Good work, Padre. Like the flag.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Gucci hedgehog.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- Sorry, I... - I'm going to leave you to it.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34So, did I tell you I met Mel C? From the Spice Girls?
0:24:35 > 0:24:37- Really?- Yep.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39- How come?- Well...
0:24:39 > 0:24:41I was shopping with my sister...
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Vamos!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46FANFARE
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome tonight's star attraction,
0:24:48 > 0:24:51a mariachi tribute band!
0:24:51 > 0:24:55I say tribute, because tonight is the night mariachi music dies.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Please go wild for Los Dross Moss Bros!
0:24:59 > 0:25:02CHEERING
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Go on, boys!
0:25:09 > 0:25:13BAND PLAYS MARIACHI MUSIC
0:25:15 > 0:25:17This is amazing! Such a lovely surprise,
0:25:17 > 0:25:20just when I thought you were being a complete twat about it.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24Oh, it is, it's just like Cancun...ish.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Well, we had a little spare time on our hands, so...
0:25:26 > 0:25:27What's the bunting made out of?
0:25:29 > 0:25:30Oh, interesting. OK.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Mac personally sacrificed 30 porno mags to make it.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- I'm touched.- You should be. Nearly 10% of his library.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Although I'm not really sure how Mexican it is.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44There's a Brazilian. That's pretty close.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47BAND PLAYS TANGO MUSIC
0:26:15 > 0:26:18CHEERING
0:26:18 > 0:26:19SHE SOBS
0:26:23 > 0:26:25- What's the matter?- Sorry, sorry.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29It's Will.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- I miss him so much. I'm sorry. - You're kidding!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Will you let me up, please?
0:26:35 > 0:26:39I need...I need some time to think.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46You have got to be fucking joking!
0:26:47 > 0:26:49You'd better carry on. Sir.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52TANGO MUSIC
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Well, we've learnt it now.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00And there she was.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01Mel C.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03- Wow.- Yeah.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06You know, I've always had a bit of a thing for the ginger one.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11- Really?- Yeah! Yeah.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Right.
0:27:15 > 0:27:16I think we're done here.
0:27:22 > 0:27:23So...
0:27:23 > 0:27:26tomorrow we learn the waltz, as promised.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Promised? Doesn't sound like me.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29For the last 24 hours,
0:27:29 > 0:27:32- we've done nothing... - Don't worry, Simon.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34- Rocket?- Boss?
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Cut in, that's an order. There you go, Simon.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38Waltz lessons.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41It's a piece of piss.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- Just do a triangle with your feet. - HE BURPS
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Oh, how many Doritos have you eaten?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Only ten bags.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd