0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains strong language.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16You two are talking utter crap, and you don't even know it.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20Bollocks, Bird. No way is Donatello the best Ninja Turtle.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22- Aye, I'm with Mac.- Course you are. Donatello is the smart one
0:00:22 > 0:00:24and he's got the fighting skills.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26- So...?- Aye, with a shitey wee stick. Raphael every time.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28He's got those forky things.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Mac! Rocket! Are we done with this,
0:00:30 > 0:00:33having discussed it the whole journey back?
0:00:33 > 0:00:34ALL: No!
0:00:34 > 0:00:36You're probably Michelangelo. Gay.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37THEY SNIGGER
0:00:37 > 0:00:39I asked you to stop this 40 minutes ago.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40So please...
0:00:40 > 0:00:42stop.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43Now.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45I always liked Splinter the rat.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49- That's bollocks!- MAC: He wasn't a turtle, he was a rat, so...
0:00:49 > 0:00:51how can he be the best turtle?
0:00:51 > 0:00:52OK, if Raphael was the best turtle,
0:00:52 > 0:00:54why was he permanently furious for no reason?
0:00:54 > 0:00:56He's a teenager. Duh!
0:00:56 > 0:00:58If Raphael fought Donatello...
0:00:58 > 0:00:59No, no, no, no, no.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Just ignore her, Rocket. She's just getting pissy
0:01:02 > 0:01:05because we're off on leave in a fortnight, and she's no'.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Yeah, well, thank you for being such a tosser about it.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09A whole week of beer and shagging.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Well, I hope all your beers are flat
0:01:11 > 0:01:14and your tiny knob goes green and drops off.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17We should do some weights. Want to look ally for the ladies!
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Aye. Bird, is the exercise machine ready?
0:01:19 > 0:01:23"Exercise machine"? No, the Birdiciser 4000
0:01:23 > 0:01:24is a breakthrough in low-budget
0:01:24 > 0:01:26improvised personal training solutions.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29The Birdiciser 3000 was a fucking death trap.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Because you basically tried to have sex with it, Mac. In fact,
0:01:32 > 0:01:34you two are banned from the Birdiciser 4000,
0:01:34 > 0:01:36cos you have no bloody respect for the time it took me to make it.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38- BOTH: Come on!- No! No, I'm sick of being taken for granted
0:01:38 > 0:01:40by a bunch of useless toilets like you two.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42- That is harsh. - All right, all right.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44You lot are going off on leave soon, and we're not.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Can we all please just get over that hurdle and kiss and make up?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Hey, guys, listen.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50New plan.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54How about we all share a surprise that I got in the post this morning?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56- Was it cheese frae your da? - It's a surprise.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- It's cheese from his da. - It might not be.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59- Doesn't he work in Tesco? - On the cheese counter.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01OK, here's the surprise!
0:02:01 > 0:02:03You're all not having cheese!
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Or whatever it may be.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Hello! Want a toffee?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- Ah!- You're back, then.- Or...
0:02:38 > 0:02:40we all died and came to haunt the shit out of you.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- Oooooh! - I don't believe in ghosts.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45What about the Holy Ghost? Mm, double standards.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- Mm-hm... - Anyway...are you busy?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50It's only a couple of weeks before you abandon me and go off on leave.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Want to come back to my quarters,
0:02:52 > 0:02:54make out with the best officer in Afghan?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- Ooh! The best officer? - Uh-huh.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58Sounds fit. When can I meet him?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Boss? You asked me to remind you about the kit check.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01Remind me later.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04OK, it's just that the search team are here to speak to you, sir.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Well, I'm not surprised, because he is...
0:03:06 > 0:03:10the best officer in Afghan. OK, sorry, I'm going to leave you to it.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- Hello!- Millsy,
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- what the hell was that? - What was what, boss?
0:03:14 > 0:03:15I was talking to Mary.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17When I'm talking to Mary, you don't interrupt!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Oh. Right. Sorry.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21Cos my chances with Mary,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24they are already infinitesimal, without you blundering in.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25"Oh, kit check, boss, kit check, boss!"
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Leave...me...alone...
0:03:27 > 0:03:30when...I'm...talking...to...Mary. Understood?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Understood, boss. Won't happen again.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34- I'll get the kit ready. - Thank you.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37- MARY: Hey, Millsy! - Afternoon, sir.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Afternoon, Nick. Could we have a word when you've done the kit check?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- I've got... - MORTARS APPROACHING
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- Incoming! - EXPLOSIONS
0:03:43 > 0:03:44Incoming!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Mortars! Everyone, take hard cover!
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Faruq!
0:04:11 > 0:04:12Mary?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Mary! Are you OK?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17I'm fine. Oh, I'm fine.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18EXPLOSION
0:04:18 > 0:04:21No, I'm not fine. Sorry. I've never been under direct fire before.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Technically, this is indirect fire,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25because direct fire would mean that...
0:04:25 > 0:04:27It doesn't matter. There's nothing to worry about.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29EXPLOSION
0:04:29 > 0:04:30That doesn't sound like nothing.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32No, no, no, really, they're further away than they sound.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34I mean, it takes them ages to find their range,
0:04:34 > 0:04:35and by the time they have, the choppers will be here, so...
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Really? - Yeah, really.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38More likely to get run over crossing the street.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Unless you live in a residential area with traffic-calming measures.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- Can be very dang... - Millsy? Shall we play a game?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Great!
0:04:47 > 0:04:48EXPLOSION
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Do you really like Michelangelo?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Oh... No! Look, can we...
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Do you know what, Rocket?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59I remember when I was a private,
0:04:59 > 0:05:01having a stupid, pointless conversation.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03It may even have been about whether
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Optimus Prime was better than Galvatron.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- And I remember... - Aye! Optimus Prime all the way.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Yes!
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Yeah, well, anyway, Captain Glover said to me...
0:05:13 > 0:05:17..."You've got to think a bit bigger. Where do you want to go?
0:05:18 > 0:05:20"There's a corporal inside you, Lansley."
0:05:20 > 0:05:22LAUGHS Gay!
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Don't be like Mac!
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Look, the point is, a good officer spots potential in his men.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32So, Rocket... where do you want to go?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Hm? Don't you want to do something productive with your life?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37I'm doing something productive!
0:05:37 > 0:05:39I'm in the Army. What else do you want me to do - take up knitting?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Look, we're going to be stuck here until the Apaches arrive,
0:05:42 > 0:05:45so let's think about how to best use your time in the Forces!
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Actually... HUGE EXPLOSION
0:05:47 > 0:05:50..my granny taught me to knit when I was ten.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51I liked it.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52I made a scarf for her.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55But then she died.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Ooh, nuts! Brilliant!
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Mm!
0:06:04 > 0:06:05No.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09There's fuck all in here.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11No laptops, no Xbox,
0:06:11 > 0:06:12no DVDs.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13Fuck all.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Twenty minutes, they'll be gone. Trust me.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Oh, friends of yours, are they?
0:06:18 > 0:06:19No.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Perhaps distant cousins.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24They're young, just letting off steam.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Oh, steam and mortars.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28You know, Faruq, I sometimes wonder whose side you're on in this war.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30On your side, obviously!
0:06:30 > 0:06:31You pay me.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34I reckon if the Taliban took over tomorrow, you'd hang out the flags.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Flags are not permitted under the Taliban!
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- HUGE EXPLOSION - Fuck, it's getting closer.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Relax! This always happens.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44They fire their mortars.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Boom, boom, boom, boom!
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Your helicopters arrive, and then boom, boom, boom, boom...
0:06:49 > 0:06:51IMITATES EXPLOSION
0:06:51 > 0:06:52It is the circle of life.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55You want DVD of Lion King?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57We shall agree 20.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- Do I look like I was born yesterday?- Fine.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Have you noticed there's a mortar attack going on?
0:07:04 > 0:07:05Of course!
0:07:05 > 0:07:07She's very observant.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09For a woman. Bye-bye!
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Wanker!
0:07:14 > 0:07:16His balls must be made of granite.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18And his head must be made of balls.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22- I've been meaning to ask you. - Hm?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Does Nick often flick you on the forehead when he's cross with you?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Oh, no, no, no.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29Sometimes it's the cheeks.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- Or the ears. - LAUGHS
0:07:34 > 0:07:36EXPLOSION
0:07:36 > 0:07:38So, what are you going to do when you get back?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Oh!
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Go home.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Fish supper.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43Ohhh!
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- Go to bed. - Yes...?
0:07:45 > 0:07:46Get up.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Eggs and beans.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Back to bed. Oh, probably get a pie for lunch!
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Yeah, actually... Doesn't matter.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55CLEARS THROAT
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I was thinking I might apply for Sandhurst.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Next year, or something. What do you think?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04But they knocked you back! Said you're not officer material.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06That was Captain Glover who said that. Ages ago.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Was he no' the one that said you'd only be a corporal?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10No. Well...
0:08:10 > 0:08:12He didn't mean that I could only be...
0:08:12 > 0:08:14What he meant was he...
0:08:14 > 0:08:15He was wrong.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Basically.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Anyway... I've never actually applied to be an officer,
0:08:21 > 0:08:22so I thought I could now.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Reckon I'm in with a shout?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32I...I cannae sit around here blethering all day.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33I need to look ally for leave.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Time to unveil the Birdiciser 4000!
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Bird said you couldn't.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45LAUGHS ADMIRINGLY Nice work, Bird!
0:08:54 > 0:08:56MACHINERY CREAKS Oh, yeah!
0:08:56 > 0:08:57WHOOSHING
0:09:03 > 0:09:05WHOOSHING
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Will you stop that?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11I've got this admin to do.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Fuck off. No admin.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Fridge.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40We've hit...paydirt!
0:09:43 > 0:09:45We can't eat it.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Can't we?
0:09:47 > 0:09:50No, we should put it back in the fridge.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Aye.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55We should stop looking at it.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Aye.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Yes, I like where you're going with this, Captain,
0:10:03 > 0:10:05but had you thought of firing rockets from the helicopters?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07You had? Marvellous.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Bye!
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Now, I thought you'd like to see this.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14I presume you'd already heard.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Colonel Morris, yeah. Got the news last night.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20A sad day. Did he take you all the way through your training?
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Yeah, most of it. The whole ATO and high-threat courses.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25What a fucking waste.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Spends his whole life defusing IEDs then dies during routine surgery.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30NICK LAUGHS
0:10:30 > 0:10:32He had my number as soon as I turned up at Kineton.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34He said, "You are an arrogant twat, Medhurst.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36"You'd better have something to be arrogant about."
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Wise words.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Really knew his men.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Knew who needed to be knocked down a peg or two.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44And is that what you aspire to?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Yeah, I think I know my men pretty well.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Er, Millsy and I are like that.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49I mean, if I take a shit, he knows about it,
0:10:49 > 0:10:52although that is mainly due to those dodgy figs Faruq got me.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Er, I know Bird.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Yes, I'd heard about that.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58A very considerate lover, apparently.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Well... I wouldn't, um...
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Anyway, Simon wants to be an officer, Rocket wants food,
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Mac wants to insert his penis into anything he can see.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Yeah. Yeah, I think I know my men pretty well.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12HUGE EXPLOSION
0:11:12 > 0:11:14What about Mary?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16You don't know her as well as you'd like, do you?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19No. No, sir, no.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Er, although I think that Mary...
0:11:20 > 0:11:23There she is, her first time under fire...
0:11:24 > 0:11:26..quivering...
0:11:26 > 0:11:27What are you saying, sir?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Nothing.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Just surprised that you're not over there.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32What's the first rule?
0:11:33 > 0:11:35"Get over there."
0:11:35 > 0:11:40So you're saying that running through a fairly spicy mortar attack
0:11:40 > 0:11:43to protect a woman who, frankly, has shown little interest in me
0:11:43 > 0:11:45will make her want to have sex with me?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Yeah, that... That is actually...
0:11:47 > 0:11:49- That is actually quite a good idea.- Good luck.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53Right.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16This is actually really fucking dangerous.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28Mary, don't panic, it's all right, I'm here.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29And you're here too.
0:12:30 > 0:12:31And you're both fine.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Everyone's playing Scrabble.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Brilliant. How nice.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36So, er...
0:12:38 > 0:12:39So you're OK, then?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Well, I just lost by 150 points,
0:12:41 > 0:12:42but other than that... MILLSY LAUGHS
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Since when have you two been playing Scrabble?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47A few weeks, boss. Sorry I didn't tell you. It's just that I know
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- you don't like the game, so... - What?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Love Scrabble. Fuckin'...
0:12:51 > 0:12:53love Scrabble. Why do you think I don't like Scrabble?
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Oh, it's just the comments.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58You know, "Are you playing that stupid game again, Millsy?"
0:12:58 > 0:13:00"Are you playing that stupid fucking game again, Millsy?"
0:13:00 > 0:13:02"Are you playing that stupid fucking boring game again, Millsy?"
0:13:02 > 0:13:04- Yes, yes, all right. - Millsy's quite the expert.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06He's a man of hidden talents.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07Oh, no, I wouldn't say that, Padre.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11No, I like it. My dad played it all the time. And I am getting better.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12In fact, my online rating is 1,746,
0:13:12 > 0:13:15which is probably just a few lucky games, and...
0:13:16 > 0:13:18I mean thank you.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19Just...
0:13:20 > 0:13:22..didn't realise you guys were into it as much as I am.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Oh, really? I just assumed
0:13:24 > 0:13:27you knew where your men were and what they were up to. No?
0:13:27 > 0:13:29I've just had this bloody conversation! I know my men fine.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31I know them very, very well, obviously.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- Do you? OK.- All right, what do you want to know?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36What, the fact that Simon cried at the end of War Horse?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Well, that is quite a moving film.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40It's a fucking horse, Mary!
0:13:40 > 0:13:42HUGE EXPLOSION
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Anyway, I was talking about important stuff, like just before this tour,
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Rocket split up with his girlfriend. What was her name?
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Um...
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Morag McBorag?
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Karen.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54What does Mac miss most about Scotland?
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Scottish flange?
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- Mussels? The gym. - The cold. He hates the heat.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Well, I'll have some air-con installed above his bunk, shall I?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Next question. What is it, something about Bird's mum's hamster?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06How old's Bird's daughter?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Don't worry, Nick, it isn't yours.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Because she hasn't got one!
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Er, yeah, very funny. So, are we playing Scrabble, then, or what?
0:14:13 > 0:14:14- Really, boss? - Yeah!
0:14:14 > 0:14:15Fun times. Go Scrabble.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23When he said he wasnae gonnae share it...
0:14:24 > 0:14:26..he didn't mean it, did he?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- He's always shared it before. - Exactly.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30So all we're doing...
0:14:30 > 0:14:34is taking our bit... that he would have given us anyway.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Yeah. So...that...
0:14:36 > 0:14:39is the rest of our third.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44- And we'll save that bit for the others.- Yeah, we'll, er...
0:14:44 > 0:14:46guard it for the others.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47Aye!
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Guard it. Good.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55It's fucking grim cheese. It takes like plastic.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Not even nice plastic.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Why don't you like Mac?
0:15:01 > 0:15:02He's a nice enough guy.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Well... But he's going to bimble along
0:15:05 > 0:15:07in the Army for as long as possible,
0:15:07 > 0:15:10and he's never going to progress, he's never going to get promoted.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12So?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15You want to get promoted, don't you, be a lance corporal, like me?
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Can I be a lance corporal who's no' like you?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19- Ho-ho, very funny. - Is it?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- Look, if you want to... - CREAKING
0:15:23 > 0:15:26If you want to get on, you've got to volunteer for stuff,
0:15:26 > 0:15:27do courses,
0:15:27 > 0:15:28so people can spot your potential.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30I've already applied for the commando training course.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31LAUGHS
0:15:31 > 0:15:33You're going commando, skip?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- Oh... - Brilliant!
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Well...
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Look, once I've done that, I'll be in good shape
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- to take a shot at Sandhurst. - Aye. Good luck with that.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42ROCKET LAUGHS
0:15:42 > 0:15:43You should take a look at these.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48You could do close reconnaissance, the sniper course,
0:15:48 > 0:15:49mortar operator...
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Ah, Mac reckons the courses are full of fucking try-hards.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Well, I'm not a try-hard, am I?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Trying hard is a good thing...sometimes.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Aye.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07We should've tried it toasted.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08That...
0:16:08 > 0:16:11is a fucking gleaming idea.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17If we come up wi' a good recipe, the others'll thank us.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Fuck! Fuck,
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. - Shit!
0:16:25 > 0:16:27So, um...
0:16:27 > 0:16:30one, two, three,
0:16:30 > 0:16:31- six, eleven... - Hang on, hang on.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33What the fuck is "loamier"?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- "Loamier"? - "Loam."
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Soil. "Loamy."
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Like soil.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40"Loamier." More like soil.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Can't fault the logic.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Congratulations, Millsy, on knowing tons of words you'll never use
0:16:45 > 0:16:48except in this stupid fucking boring game.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Nick? Are you all right?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Yeah, I'm fine.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57Nothing I like more than learning comparative words for soil.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58I'm sure they'll come in handy.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00"Er, boss, there's an IED over there."
0:17:00 > 0:17:02"Oh, really, Millsy?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05"And how much more loamy is the soil in which it has been emplaced?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07"Can we agree it is loamier?"
0:17:07 > 0:17:08I heard about your old CO.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- Yeah, it's fine. Really. - Were you close?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Yeah, actually.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17Trained me.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19Best officer I ever met.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- I'm here if you want to talk to me. - Look, boss...
0:17:22 > 0:17:25..if you're worried you're not as good an officer as him, don't worry.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28You're a really good officer. You're one of the best.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30The best. Better than the best.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31All right, calm down, Millsy.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34My go.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36"Bang." LAUGHS
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- That's appropriate! - Yes, it's very good!
0:17:38 > 0:17:40HUGE EXPLOSION What the fuck?
0:17:46 > 0:17:47Oh, fuck.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49CO's office has been hit.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50Millsy, stay inside with Mary.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Give me one!
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Sir!
0:18:29 > 0:18:33- Looking for me? - Oh, bloody hell, sir!
0:18:33 > 0:18:35MORTAR APPROACHING
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Everyone under fucking cover, now!
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Ahhh!
0:18:49 > 0:18:50Fancy a coffee, Nick?
0:18:50 > 0:18:51Sure.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53You want special coffee?
0:18:53 > 0:18:54I...very much doubt it.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59CREAKING
0:19:01 > 0:19:03You should have a go on this, skip.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Want to look ally for your wedding photos, don't you?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Your missus wants a buff soldier.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Not quite. She wants an officer, really.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Ah, so she's making you apply! Got ya.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18No! No. I just think I've got the qualities that they're looking for.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21You know, leadership, presence,
0:19:21 > 0:19:22authority.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Rocket?
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Rocket?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30He loves those nuts.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38I feel weird.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39I feel fine.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40I feel weird.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43I could eat the rest, nae bother.
0:19:43 > 0:19:48Ah, I'm not sure that's a good idea. Cheese is not exactly a health food.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50That's bollocks. It's pure protein, innit?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Innit?
0:19:52 > 0:19:53I don't want to flab up.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56The uniform isn't exactly a fantastic fit in the first place.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59I do not want to go up a size while I'm out here.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Imagine if I couldn't fit into my bras, hm?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03It's not like I could get measured for bigger ones out here, is it?
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Mac?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- Mac! - I'm finding this really confusing.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Stop staring at my tits!
0:20:13 > 0:20:14I can't look away.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Anyways, you can work it off on the Birdiciser 4000.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Yeah, well, it's not finished yet.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26I need to tighten the holding nuts before anyone goes on it.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29CREAKING
0:20:37 > 0:20:39CRASHING, SIMON SCREAMS
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Fuck!
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Rocket... Rocket...
0:20:45 > 0:20:48could you please lift this contraption off me?
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Right.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Would have been a bit of bad luck to lose a mentor
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- and a CO in the same week wouldn't it?- Yes, sir!
0:21:00 > 0:21:01I'm glad you're OK.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Sorry you didn't get to meet Colonel Morris.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Oh, I met KTM.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- Yes. Northern Ireland. - Really?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- Yes, when I was a lieutenant. - And?
0:21:10 > 0:21:11What's the first rule?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- "Don't speak ill of the dead." - "Ill"?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15You didn't... I mean, I know he could be a bit...
0:21:15 > 0:21:18He was a bloody good ATO, though, wasn't he?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Yes, fantastic ATO.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Also a colossal prick.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Wow.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Really not sticking to the first rule there, sir.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27What's the second rule?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29"Do speak ill of the dead if they were also a colossal prick."
0:21:29 > 0:21:31He behaved like a total arsehole
0:21:31 > 0:21:33to anyone who wasn't in his little bubble.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36On one occasion, I'm pretty sure he risked the lives of two of my men
0:21:36 > 0:21:38and then gave them a dressing-down about it afterwards.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42But he's... I mean...
0:21:42 > 0:21:44You've always modelled yourself on him?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Well...kind of.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48No, you don't.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51You model yourself on an idealised version of him, which is better.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55You, I hope, have realised that some people need building up a peg or two.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Millsy, for example.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Yeah.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01Sure, sir.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Because you, Captain Medhurst,
0:22:03 > 0:22:05are not a prick, colossal or otherwise.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09You're a shit, but not a prick.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- EXPLOSION - Thank you, sir...
0:22:11 > 0:22:12I think.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15I hate myself.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17I can't stop eating the cheese.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20Relax, Bird.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Mustard's one of your five-a-day.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- BELCHES - Ohh!
0:22:25 > 0:22:27I'm disgusting.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30And that is why men never give me a second look.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Nick did.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33What?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36You and Nick. In Andover.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Does everyone know about that?
0:22:38 > 0:22:39- Aye. - How?
0:22:39 > 0:22:41- He told us. - Fucking hell!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43That was supposed to be a secret! What a shit!
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- Didn't know you fancied him. - Everyone fancies Nick.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- Mary doesn't. - Yeah, she does.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- She hides it well. - No, she doesn't.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52EXPLOSION
0:22:52 > 0:22:53Anyway...
0:22:53 > 0:22:56he gave you a bit more than a second look, didn't he?
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Yeah, and then told everyone about it. No fucking respect.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02What? But you two got it out of the way because he does respect you.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04- You what? - He thinks you're brilliant.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07If he didn't give a shit about you, right,
0:23:07 > 0:23:08he'd be pestering you,
0:23:08 > 0:23:10then he'd shag you then ignore you.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Then shag you again.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Then ignore you again.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Yeah, I suppose you're right.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Aye.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19You're too good for him.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21And he knows it.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Cheers, Mac. You know we're going to have to finish the lot,
0:23:25 > 0:23:26destroy the evidence?
0:23:26 > 0:23:27BELCHES
0:23:29 > 0:23:30I think I'm gonnae boak.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Have some more cheese!
0:23:33 > 0:23:36It settles the stomach.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37Jesus!
0:23:37 > 0:23:39BIRD BELCHES
0:23:39 > 0:23:42All I'm saying is Nick's job is very stressful.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45But I know that he does sometimes take it out on you.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47- No, I just think... - Not intentionally.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50So if there is something that's annoying...
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Actually, you know what does get me?
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Good!
0:23:54 > 0:23:56His attitude to this.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Scrabble?
0:23:57 > 0:23:58Yeah. I mean like just now.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00He was pretending to like it. He doesn't really like it at all.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- Yeah. I was getting that. - I mean, it's pretty simple -
0:24:02 > 0:24:04a word's either in the book or it isn't.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05- Millsy...? - Yeah?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Is this really about Scrabble?
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Yeah...
0:24:14 > 0:24:15OK...
0:24:15 > 0:24:16- CLEARS THROAT - So...
0:24:16 > 0:24:17HELICOPTERS APPROACHING
0:24:17 > 0:24:18SIGHS
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Maybe I should just apply for Sandhurst and be done with it.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Do you really think I could do that sniper course?
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Yes. Yes, I do.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Brilliant!
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Might just do that.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49You know what, skip?
0:24:49 > 0:24:50You should be an officer.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Oh! Well...
0:24:54 > 0:24:56thank you, Rocket!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58That's... Cheers.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00A careers officer.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03You're pure brilliant at encouraging folk.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05- A careers officer. - Aye!
0:25:05 > 0:25:07You could sit in one of them recruitment places
0:25:07 > 0:25:10and talk to the folk when they come in, get them to join the Army!
0:25:10 > 0:25:12You'd be good at that.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14- Thank you. - And the one in Edinburgh's
0:25:14 > 0:25:15- only a two-minute walk frae a Greggs!- Is it?
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Actually...everywhere in Edinburgh's only a two-minute walk frae a Greggs.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24SIREN BLARES
0:25:24 > 0:25:25Right. Good. Come on.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27That's the all-clear.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Greggs do brilliant Scotch pies.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Fuck, I'm starving.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I am not moving to Edinburgh for a Greggs Scotch pie!
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Aye, well, if you want something posh,
0:25:35 > 0:25:38there's a Pret A Manager just opposite.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39I'll bear that in mind.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43Everyone OK?
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Yeah, good. You?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Yeah.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Ah...
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Better get a new one of those.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54You want Portakabin?
0:25:58 > 0:25:59- A'right? - Ahhh!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01I'd like to think that you got fragged,
0:26:01 > 0:26:03but I'm pretty sure you've been on the Birdiciser, hm?
0:26:03 > 0:26:04Yeah, Rocket started it.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06- Yeah, well, he broke it. - Yeah?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08I'll take a look at it.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Sorry, Bird.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11I'll make it up to you in cheese.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Oh, so it was cheese!
0:26:13 > 0:26:16That's a...genuine surprise.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18But we looked in the fridge, Simon.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21- It's empty. - Someone proffed my cheese!
0:26:21 > 0:26:23No respect!
0:26:26 > 0:26:28- What's this, hm? - Nothing!
0:26:28 > 0:26:31- Courses, aye? - Yeah, I'm...
0:26:31 > 0:26:32I was thinking I might do that...
0:26:32 > 0:26:34sniper course.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Aye.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37You should. You're a crack shot.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39- You'd be pure fucking brilliant. - Oh!
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Cheers.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Nick, why did you tell everyone you slept with me?
0:26:46 > 0:26:47I thought it was meant to be a secret.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Yeah, but, y'know, you're a hottie, I'm a hottie.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51We have nothing to be ashamed of.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Cheers, boss.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55I'll see you later...hottie.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57HE LAUGHS
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Boss? I'm really sorry I didn't tell you about...
0:27:01 > 0:27:02You have nothing to be sorry about, Millsy.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04You like Scrabble, and that's fine.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Cool.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08OK, so we should probably do the kit check now, yeah?
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Sure. Who's your favourite turtle, then?
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Oh, I like them all, actually.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Oh, make a fucking decision, Millsy!
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Always tricky, losing your hero.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19He seems OK, though.
0:27:19 > 0:27:20Mm.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24- I told him Colonel Morris was a prick.- What?!
0:27:24 > 0:27:25He wasn't, was he?
0:27:25 > 0:27:27No.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28But it always works.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Is that the first rule?
0:27:32 > 0:27:33No!
0:27:35 > 0:27:37But it's what Colonel Morris would have done.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40He was one of the best.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Carry on, Padre.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd