0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains strong language.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12What the...?
0:00:15 > 0:00:18OK, Towerblock, I haven't seen a device this clever since Iraq.
0:00:18 > 0:00:22You ever had that warm fuzzy feeling that someone's trying to kill you?
0:00:22 > 0:00:26Well, I've been to watch Leeds United away at Old Trafford, so...
0:00:26 > 0:00:27yeah.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Helpful(!)
0:00:29 > 0:00:34Grab an evidence bag. We're taking this one home.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44God, my balls are itchy.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48I've got serious itchy balls.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Stop talking about your balls.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Those balls are going to win him an award.
0:00:52 > 0:00:57By lunchtime I'll officially be the filthiest bastard on the base.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- The Jockstrap of Joy will be mines. - Wee men.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04And Bluestone 42 can celebrate a big win for my balls.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07- Do you not listen to a word I say? - Not really, no.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08Eh?
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Roger that. Boss, car approaching from the south.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17It's coming in quite fast.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19- HORN TOOTS - The ANA cordon will stop it.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Unless they've wandered off to get stoned.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26Who puts a bare-wire loop trigger inside the plastic?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30- That's through the cordon. Boss! - Boss!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Boss!
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Oh, bloody hell, not now.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41- He's not slowing down. - Firing warning shots!
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- Boss, take cover!- Jesus.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Stop. Stop!
0:01:48 > 0:01:52Get out! Get out of the car!
0:01:52 > 0:01:54- Get out of the car! - HE SHOUTS IN OWN LANGUAGE
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Get out of the car. Put your hands in the air.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- MAN SHOUTS - Hands in the air! Faruq, tell him.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01MAN SHOUTS
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- He says he has no handbrake!- What?!
0:02:03 > 0:02:04No handbrake!
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Everybody down!
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Shit.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Oh, dear.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Good work, Simon.
0:03:03 > 0:03:09Towerblock, THIS is what we call a bag of previously interesting shit.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Did you get anything useful?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15A stark demonstration of why Simon will never get a job
0:03:15 > 0:03:17as a lollipop man.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Bloody hell, you two. Pick up your kit and move your arses.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Good idea. No, wait. Can't move.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Handbrake.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30HE LAUGHS
0:03:30 > 0:03:33HE MAKES SOUND OF EXPLOSION
0:03:33 > 0:03:36If I was a full corporal, I wouldn't have to put up with this shit.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38So an extra stripe on your rank slide will stop you
0:03:38 > 0:03:40from being an ineffectual Essex twat?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Bloody hell, Bird.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46Nick's clearly never going to recommend me for promotion.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47No?
0:03:47 > 0:03:51I should talk to the Colonel. Maybe he's spotted my potential.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54I could ask him how he got so far in the Army.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- Ten years being done up the arse at boarding school.- That's not true.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59It's five years of being done up the arse,
0:03:59 > 0:04:01five years of doing other people up the arse.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04And if that's not an education, I don't know what is.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Maybe he enjoys his job. And works hard.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11"Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work."
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- Aristotle.- You what?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Yes, I thought that would be lost on you.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20I read it. In a book.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24Oh, they're like films, but quieter.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26They're written down.
0:04:29 > 0:04:34- Still using the old SIG Sauer, then? - Yup. Nothing wrong with a SIG.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Except it's not one of these.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40ALL EXCLAIM
0:04:40 > 0:04:42OK, Towerblock, just to clarify it,
0:04:42 > 0:04:45are we suddenly playing "my gun's cooler than your gun"?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Fair play, boss. It's a Glock 17.
0:04:47 > 0:04:52- Oh, you've failed the weapons handling test for it.- What?
0:04:52 > 0:04:56- I haven't taken the test.- Because you thought you'd fail it or...?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58- Me, fail it?- I failed it first time.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Really?!
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Aw, did the little gun confuse your little Northern head?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06The curly bit's called the trigger.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10- All the best people pass second time.- No, they don't.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14The best people pass first time because they are the best at it.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Right, if you're up to the test, there's a skillies on base right now.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- How do you know that? - He's another Leeds boy.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21People's Republic of Yorkshire.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23You do an hour's training then take the test.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27I am not spending an hour staring at a pistol
0:05:27 > 0:05:31while your spotty Yorkshire friend points at it, like a knob.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Wouldn't bother me. I'd wade through shit for a Glock.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Course you would. Cos they're fucking mint.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38But you'd best do the training cos...
0:05:38 > 0:05:40- handling test ain't a walk in the park.- Yes, it is!
0:05:40 > 0:05:43In fact, it's a walk in the park with a gun.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I am an ammunition technical officer.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48I've had years of training with ammunition
0:05:48 > 0:05:52and what are those things that fire it? Oh, yeah, guns!
0:05:52 > 0:05:56- I'm just saying, anyone can fail the test.- I'm saying that you failed it.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58And I'm saying you could as well.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01And I'm saying that I wouldn't if I took it, which I won't. All right?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Is it really a padre's job,
0:06:13 > 0:06:16giving out an award to the filthiest soldier on the base?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Filthiest bastard on the base.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20It's a tradition started by the base's first padre
0:06:20 > 0:06:22and proudly continued by every padre since.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26Right... And I'm giving it to Mac for...?
0:06:26 > 0:06:27Shagging twins.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29And their mum.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31On leave. On a Megabus.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Oh, really! I...
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Gentleman, the time has come for the awarding of the award.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39As we all know, Biffa the chef has held it for the last four months.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40THEY WHOOP
0:06:40 > 0:06:44But who will the Padre award it to now?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Mary.
0:06:46 > 0:06:51Right. By the power vested in me by Jesus...
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I hereby award the Jockstrap of Joy to...
0:06:56 > 0:06:58..Private Kevin McDowell.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00THEY WHOOP
0:07:06 > 0:07:10I accept this award on behalf of Bluestone 42.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12THEY WHOOP
0:07:12 > 0:07:17I am so proud! I think I'm going...
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Mac, did those twins give you crabs?
0:07:20 > 0:07:24- No.- Pretty sure they did, mate. - They definitely didn't.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27If it isn't crabs, then it must be the Afghan tiger louse.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31- What the fuck is that?- Very much like your English louse but bigger.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35They burrow into the skin of your johnson and lay their eggs.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Very itchy.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- Shite!- That's fucking mint.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41He's making it up. Just go and see the medic.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45My cousin had the Afghan tiger louse. Three days later he was dead.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49- Fuck you!- He trod on an IED while scratching his plums.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Very dangerous creatures.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57I understand your predicament, Lance Corporal.
0:07:57 > 0:08:02Let me tell you about a young second lieutenant I once knew rather well.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- He was just like you.- Oh. - Taller, obviously.- Right.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Desperate for promotion. Overlooked.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Do you know what he did?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15He read this. The Art Of War.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Chinese military theory. Heard of it?
0:08:17 > 0:08:20No, sir. Sun T-zu...
0:08:20 > 0:08:21- Sun Tzu.- "Sooon Sooo..."
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- Sun Tzu.- Sun Tzu.- Yes.
0:08:24 > 0:08:255th century BC.
0:08:27 > 0:08:32There. "The way to avoid what is strong is to strike at what is weak."
0:08:32 > 0:08:34- Oh.- You see? Gold.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Anyway, this chap read it, and now he's a lieutenant colonel.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Ah.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- You're saying this book could change my life?- Well, a girl can dream.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46Hmm.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Bone up on this and then report back and tell me what you've learned.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Thinking like an officer is the first step to promotion.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56My ex used to say, "Dress for the job that you want."
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Eh?
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Hmm. Don't dress like an officer,
0:09:00 > 0:09:02or you'll get arrested by the RMPs, all right?
0:09:02 > 0:09:03- Sir.- Carry on.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Whoa.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Speedy wee bastards.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- So how did I get crabs? - The usual way?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Fucking?
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Don't tell anyone.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- But I didn't get any on leave.- What?
0:09:22 > 0:09:26- No twins? No mum? No Megabus? - No, so it can't be crabs.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- It must be the Afghan tiger louse. - There's no such thing.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Faruq's just trying to shift off some weedkiller.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34You don't want that on your cheesy Wotsits.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36You've got crabs.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40- But how? - Shared a towel recently? On leave?
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Only with my da.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Oh, Jesus.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- Crabs from my own da?! - Don't worry but...
0:09:50 > 0:09:52at least you still keep the award.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- It doesn't count if you do something filthy by accident.- What?
0:09:55 > 0:09:56And it does count if you lie?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58I only made up the twin story to impress Rocket.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02But then he put me up for the award. I've let down Bluestone 42.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06I need to go and take a good, long look at myself.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Shampoo your pubes with this while you're at it.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Very good. And assemble.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22And present.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Congratulations, Corporal Bird. You've passed.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26We should go down to the firing range.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Got time to whip through a quick test.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- Thought I might try out the old Glock.- Towerblock got to you, then?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- Come on, Bird, you know me better than that.- Yeah, I do.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Which is why I said, "Towerblock got to you, then."
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Nice, eh? Who knew Austria could produce such a cool weapon?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42I thought they were only good for schnitzel and child abuse.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- Oh, that's a bit...- What?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47So, the test?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Well, you've missed the training,
0:10:49 > 0:10:52so I can't really let you do the test, but...
0:10:52 > 0:10:54you seem to know what you're doing.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Seem to, and do.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00So...shall we?
0:11:00 > 0:11:04So, take the weapon, and make it safe.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06This shouldn't take too long.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Captain Medhurst, you've made it ready...not made it safe.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Shit, yeah, sorry.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19So you've failed the test. Corporal Bird, we need to go to the range.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23OK, so...made it safe, so next is load, fire.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25See, I can do this with my eyes shut.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28That won't be necessary, sir. Or safe.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Anyone can see that I am perfectly capable of... Ow!
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- BANG - Ooh.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- Shall we go to the firing range to try it out?- Uh-huh.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47- So the enemy is here and you're here. What do you do?- Attack here?
0:11:47 > 0:11:52No, retreat. There are roads which must not be followed,
0:11:52 > 0:11:54armies which must not be attacked.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58So, retreat, but then attack here?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00No, retreat again.
0:12:00 > 0:12:07The battle is fought not in the field, but in the mind.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Well, I'm fucked, then.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13- All right, Bird. - Yep. Got the new Glock 9mm.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17- She is a beauty.- This must be how it feels to have a hard-on.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- HE LAUGHS - 9mm!
0:12:20 > 0:12:22That's a tiny hard-on.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Guns are not the way to win a war.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Right, you must mention that to the enemy.
0:12:27 > 0:12:32Victorious warriors win first, and then go to battle.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Don't lose my place, please.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36- Oh.- Oh.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- Sun T-zu.- "Soon soo."
0:12:39 > 0:12:41It's... You haven't heard of it?
0:12:41 > 0:12:45Oh, what, so you read this and then you magically...
0:12:45 > 0:12:46make corporal?
0:12:46 > 0:12:49It's a classic about war strategy, not your kind of thing...
0:12:50 > 0:12:52..Bird.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Oh, what, cos Bird can't read a book that doesn't have pictures in it?
0:12:55 > 0:12:59I'm not sure that your mind is receptive to that kind of thing.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- Oh-ho-ho!- Now we can both read it.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Oh, how did my unreceptive mind think of that(?) Amazing.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13That book belongs to the Colonel.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Well, it got trashed on your watch, so...
0:13:24 > 0:13:26you've got some explaining to do.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Do... She's just messing with my head.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- Bird is the enemy. - What about the Taliban?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38The Taliban didn't call me an ineffectual Essex twat.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- How do you know that? - The Colonel wants me to defeat Bird.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- SHOUTS:- That is how I impress him!
0:13:43 > 0:13:47I think he's just going to be pissed off about his book.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Mac, really, at mealtimes... That does smell.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Yeah, the smell of victory.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57After Victory has slept all night in his own piss.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Come on, Padre, he won it for Bluestone 42
0:13:59 > 0:14:02and we're proud of our filthy little bastard.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Proud? No. We're appalled.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Oi, Mac. You know those crabs?
0:14:08 > 0:14:11You need to call your dad and get his crabs seen to as well.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15Thanks a bunch! What happened to doctor-patient confidentially?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17I'm not a doctor.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Mac, did you...
0:14:20 > 0:14:22get crabs off your dad?
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- That is fucked up. - We shared a towel, all right?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28You said there was no way you could have crabs,
0:14:28 > 0:14:29so how would you know that, unless...
0:14:29 > 0:14:31You never shagged those twins.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Or their mum!
0:14:33 > 0:14:37All right, Miss Marple, I didn't get laid on leave, OK?
0:14:37 > 0:14:42You lied to me? Why, Mac? Why?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44How the mighty have fallen.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Wait, so I am the only one here who has actually slept with twins?
0:14:48 > 0:14:49I haven't.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Well, not at the same time.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- Padre.- Yeah, Padre, it's only fair.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57You've got to award it back to Biffa.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Oh, all right.
0:14:59 > 0:15:04Ladies and gentlemen, I hereby give this horrible award back to Biffa.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Cheers, Padre. Filthiest bastard on the base, eh? Come 'ead.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15I will regain the Jockstrap for Bluestone 42. I swear it!
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- Don't feel obliged. - So, boss, did you get that Glock?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21No, I'm going to keep the Sig. It was an Austrian pistol, anyway, right?
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- Tell me one good thing that's ever come out of Austria.- Mozart.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26- Schwarzenegger. - Smoked cheese.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28- Hitler.- I rest my case.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30IKEA.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35- So you didn't want a Glock?- Nah.
0:15:35 > 0:15:40- Is that why you took the test and failed it?- Seriously?- Classic!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Thanks, Bird.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Skillies told me. It's a Leeds thing. He scratches my back,
0:15:45 > 0:15:47I finger his sister.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- You should have done the training, boss.- Lesson one.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52"The curly bit is the trigger."
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Yes, all right, thank you, everyone. Can we just drop it?
0:15:54 > 0:15:58- What, like you did in the test? - LAUGHTER
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Corporal Bird. Don't get up.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Ploughing through Sun Tzu?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Er, yes, sir.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Important book... my grandfather used to say.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- He gave me his copy.- Oh.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Had it in his pocket on D-day, of course.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30One of the first on Sword Beach.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Immense sentimental value.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37- SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY - Hmm.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Anyway, when you've finished with it...
0:16:40 > 0:16:41Carry on.
0:16:43 > 0:16:48Shit. Shitting...shitty...shit.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- Oi! Did you just hear that? - No, I've literally just arrived.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55This belonged to the Colonel's grandfather.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57He had it on fucking D-day.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Oh, I don't believe you.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01All warfare is based on deception.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Shut the fuck up, Simon! We need to fix it or replace it
0:17:04 > 0:17:07or the Colonel is going to kick us where the Sun Tzu don't fucking shine!
0:17:10 > 0:17:15Retreat from thy enemy so that he...or she...
0:17:15 > 0:17:17may make the first mistake.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21You borrowed it.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Your problem.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Fuck!
0:17:38 > 0:17:39So...
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Sun Tzu!
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- Morning, Lamming.- Morning, sir.
0:17:49 > 0:17:55So, have you got time for a quick test at all today?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- Er, you need to do the training first.- OK, look...
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Sorry, my grandad died of lung cancer last year,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09so, if you don't mind, I'll just...
0:18:19 > 0:18:21We both know that's not allowed in theatre, sir.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33- I'm lactose intolerant. - Of course you are!
0:18:36 > 0:18:41Have you seen Corporal Bird? She wanted a new copy of Sun Tzu.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42She does? But...
0:18:42 > 0:18:44I have various editions.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Oh, she does.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Clever girl. I'll take all of them.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52All of them? OK.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Bird offered me 50.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- I'll give you 100.- Really? Blimey.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02I strike and my enemy is now weak.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Now I have all of your copies,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06she will have to give the Colonel his old one.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10And my victory will be complete.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Eureka!
0:19:13 > 0:19:14Rocket!
0:19:14 > 0:19:15Rocket!
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- I've got it! I've got it!- We know!
0:19:20 > 0:19:21We want you to get rid of it!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23It's been staring me in the face.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26I know how to get the award back.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29I'm a genius. I'm a genius!
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I'm a genius!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Carry on.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Hmm.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36Rocket!
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Oh, shitting hell. Shitting, shitey...!
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Balls!
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Bollocks.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03There's something not right about this.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- Do you want me to get that award back for Bluestone?- Yeah. But...
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Then stop being such a baby.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Not you as well. What have you been doing?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21BOTH: Nothing.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Rocket...
0:20:23 > 0:20:25It's the blast pants.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49You have been busy, haven't you?
0:20:51 > 0:20:55GUNSHOTS Shit! Cordon breach!
0:20:55 > 0:20:56Again!
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Diamond 21, this is Bluestone 42. Contact.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01We are engaging. Wait out.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Thank fuck for that.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18- Are you OK, boss? - Yeah. Thanks, Simon.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- Never knew you cared.- We all clear?
0:21:21 > 0:21:22'Yeah, think so, boss.'
0:21:26 > 0:21:30'OK, this cordon's looser than Rocket's mum. We need to work fast.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32'Towerblock, get the hook and line ready.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33'I want this one out intact.'
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Er, boss, given the situation,
0:21:36 > 0:21:39don't you think we should just blow this and get out of here?
0:21:39 > 0:21:43- What situation would that be?- The contact, the cordon. I just mean...
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Your safety, like.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49My safety depends on catching this bomber before he turns me
0:21:49 > 0:21:50into a new fragrance called Medhurst Mist,
0:21:50 > 0:21:53and that depends on getting those forensics back home.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54So let's make a deal.
0:21:54 > 0:21:59- You get my kit and I'll do the dangerous bit, OK?- Boss.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08Here are some replacement copies for the valuable one that Bird ruined.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13I'm sure she's incredibly sorry,
0:22:13 > 0:22:15even though she's not here in person to apologise.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Ah, Corporal Bird, come in.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Sir, I'm really sorry...
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- I take full responsibility.- Oh.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26- These things happen. We are in a war zone.- What?!
0:22:26 > 0:22:30But, sir, I thought that copy belonged to your grandfather.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33You don't think I'd lend a priceless tome like that to clowns like you?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36No, I got that one off Faruq.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Always good to have some copies knocking about
0:22:38 > 0:22:41to keep ambitious lance corporals quiet for a few days.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45What? So, sir, reading the book won't help me to become a corporal?
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Well, let's see, shall we?
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- It seems like you two have had quite the battle.- No.- Not really.- Who won?
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- Me.- Me.- No.- No, I...
0:22:52 > 0:22:56You both lost. The only winner...was...
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- The Taliban.- No. Faruq.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Wherever there is war, there will be treasure for the unscrupulous.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Is that Sun Tzu, sir?
0:23:05 > 0:23:08No idea. Just made it up. That shit writes itself.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10- Sir, have you actually read Sun Tzu? - No, of course not.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14The copy my grandfather had was in Chinese or something.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Baffling.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18- But you said you read it when you were a second lieutenant.- No.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21That was a friend of mine who is now a lieutenant colonel,
0:23:21 > 0:23:23exactly as I said. Pay attention.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Carry on.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Right, two devices.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30One blown in situ.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34The other, pulled out of the ground intact.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- I wonder if you can tell which is which?- Fair play, boss.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41Both have the same wire, both horribly clever.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45I reckon we've got someone new to the area. GS0H. Likes...
0:23:46 > 0:23:48..making complicated bombs.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Dislikes...
0:23:50 > 0:23:53ATOs like me.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56- We need to get these off to Weapons Intelligence.- Yeah, if you would.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Sure. And, sir?
0:23:58 > 0:24:01I'm sorry for suggesting we blow that in situ.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- I wasn't thinking clearly. - That's fine.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Anyway, and to make up for it...
0:24:06 > 0:24:08da-da-da-diddle-da-diddle-da-da!
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Huh?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13- What this?- It's a Glock.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Skillies weren't keen but I gave him a hand job behind the cookhouse.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20I'm only kidding. And we just cuddled.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why did you get it?
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Cos you couldn't get one yourself.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30No, I could get one myself. I failed the test on a technicality.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Technically, you dropped it on the floor.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35I am perfectly capable of passing this test!
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Well, if you say you can pass the test, boss, I believe you.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40I have no doubt you can do it with your eyes shut.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Oh, for the love of fuck, right, you come with me.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Clear. And now five-round grouping.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01Maybe lose the blindfold, yeah?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12APPLAUSE
0:25:12 > 0:25:16- Happy now?- I never doubted you, boss. - Very impressive, sir.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18After that showing, I'm happy for you to pass.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22- You can hang onto the Glock.- You're all right. The SIG's way better.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26Two-stage trigger, smaller recoil. Better build quality.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Couldn't agree more. Got to love the SIG.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33Just feels right in your hand, doesn't it? May I?
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Carry on.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50- SHOUTING - What was that?
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Ow!
0:25:57 > 0:25:58SHOUTING
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Who's betting? Hey, hey, you.
0:26:02 > 0:26:07- What is this?- Crab racing. - You're racing your genital lice?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09- Awesome!- And Rocket's.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- He's been breeding some real thoroughbreds.- My God.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Every day you find new ways to disgust me.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16- Give me five bucks on Crab Stick. - Ten on Seabiscuit.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18I'll have five on Desert Itch.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22Ladies and gentlemen, the third race of the evening,
0:26:22 > 0:26:23the Pubic Stakes!
0:26:23 > 0:26:26ALL WHOOP
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Ready?
0:26:28 > 0:26:30And...they're off!
0:26:31 > 0:26:33And it's Crab Stick in the lead.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Followed by Seabiscuit, Desert Itch and Red Rub!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39And Desert Itch is gaining!
0:26:39 > 0:26:43And Red Rub has turned round and is heading back to the starting line!
0:26:43 > 0:26:45And Seabiscuit is eating Red Rub!
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Desert Itch is putting on a spurt!
0:26:47 > 0:26:48But it's Crab Stick!
0:26:48 > 0:26:53And Crab Stick has taken the Pubic Stakes!
0:26:53 > 0:26:54THEY CHEER
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Everybody, before the next race, as the ranking officer here...
0:26:57 > 0:26:59- That's me, actually.- Shh.
0:26:59 > 0:27:04..I call upon the Padre to re-award the Jockstrap of Joy.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07- I would be delighted. - SHE CLEARS THROAT
0:27:07 > 0:27:11Private McDowell, your antics have made me feel physically sick.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14You are indeed one filthy bastard.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15Yes!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18However, it's one thing to catch crabs,
0:27:18 > 0:27:22it's quite another to voluntarily stable them in your blast pants.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25I hereby award the Jockstrap of Joy
0:27:25 > 0:27:26to Rocket.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28- Oh, good! - CHEERING
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Aye, fair enough, fair enough.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Stop all this at once!
0:27:33 > 0:27:35What's the first rule?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Don't race crabs!
0:27:37 > 0:27:41I am shocked, SHOCKED, to find that crab racing is going on in here!
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- You're winning, sir. - Oh, thank you very much.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Mac, Rocket, clean this up.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Faruq, you have done me proud.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Yes, all right, don't push it.