0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains strong language.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09It's dangerous enough without setting fire to the base.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12- What's the first rule? - Don't set fire to the base? - Don't set fire...exactly!
0:00:12 > 0:00:15In fairness, sir, there was no real harm done.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17The paperwork's safe in the ISO, and nobody's been hurt.
0:00:17 > 0:00:21Oh, that is good news. It'd be awful if Mac or Rocket had been singed.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23I presume they're to blame for this debacle?
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Well, I will be investigating the cause of this fire vigorously, sir.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29How is this going to look when the Secretary of State for Defence arrives tomorrow?
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Is he? Or she?
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Five hours of standing around, nodding, pointing...
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Tell me about it.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39- Pretending to laugh at his stupid jokes. HTEA.- HTEA?
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Having to explain acronyms. Awful. Oh, and did I mention?
0:00:42 > 0:00:45- You'll be looking after him.- What?! - As a favour to me.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Since this whole fire incident has really brought us together.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49No, but, sir, I am on call for...
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Yes, yes, if there's a device, you must go, but otherwise,
0:00:52 > 0:00:54you're in charge of keeping this prize-winning chump
0:00:54 > 0:00:57- out of harm's way. And out of my way. - Yes, sir.
0:00:57 > 0:01:02Do that and I might overlook this gigantic flaming cock-up.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03Carry on.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10- Do you want your kebab now, boss? - Yes, I do.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Ah! Hot! Hot, hot!
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- OK, guys. Everything squared away? - Yes, boss.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49And by everything, I mean a bunch of fire-damaged kit and ashes.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Why, Gloria, why?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Get that thing thrown away.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Boss, the fire safety on this base is a shambles.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00What makes you say that?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04I did try and warn you about the dangers of barbecues but...
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Faruq got us a goat. It needs eating.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10I would like to volunteer to be the fire safety officer for the base.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11- Fine.- I'm ideal for the job
0:02:11 > 0:02:14because I am used to pre-empting danger with my hawk-like...
0:02:14 > 0:02:16I said "fine", Simon. Go and see the lieutenant colonel.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- I'm sure he'll be just as excited as I am.- Yes, boss!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Boss, there's someone at the gate asking for you.
0:02:21 > 0:02:26- Oh, that will be my Ocado order. - A bloke called Ahmed. Young-ish.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28- Friendly-ish.- Bellend-ish.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Unfortunately he thinks he's on our side, so we can't shoot him.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- Did I mention he's an utter bellend? - Well, he seemed fine to me.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- I bet you anything he's a bellend. - You can't prove someone's a bellend.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Ten dollars. Within 24 hours, you'll be calling him a bellend.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- You're on! - All right, Towerblock.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45You can go and make your own unbiased assessment of his bellendery.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Oh, and he may have brought an IED with him.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50His hobby is digging them out of the ground to show us.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- Really?- Yeah. It's weird. You know, we have the same hobby and yet
0:02:54 > 0:02:56I still don't like him.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Now, off you fuck.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Sorry, Ahmed. The captain's busy.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Well, this is OK. The two of us, we can work together.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12I wish to ensure the safe disposal of these land mines.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16OK...
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Good, but we'd prefer it if you'd just leave them where you...
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Shit! Stop! Don't throw them around! That is TNT coming out!
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Chillax it, mate. They're old!
0:03:26 > 0:03:29If they were going to go pop, they would have gone by now.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30Am I right?
0:03:32 > 0:03:33Listen, you total bell...
0:03:35 > 0:03:39You totally believe...
0:03:39 > 0:03:43that you're doing the right thing, but it's probably best if we just
0:03:43 > 0:03:48place them carefully in the pit while trying to keep them level.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49- OK?- OK.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54- Shit!- Best of both worlds, mate.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57I throw them to you, you place them carefully in the pit!
0:03:57 > 0:03:58OK?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03KNOCKING
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Mary, you look more fragrant than ever.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- I'm not showing the minister around. - Oh, come on, Mary!
0:04:07 > 0:04:11I've got 1,023 more important things to do than babysit a PONTI for
0:04:11 > 0:04:12the next five hours.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15So have I... What did you call him? PONTI?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18P-O-N-T-I. Person Of No Tactical Importance.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Well, that's about right. Because if I have to look after him,
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I'll end up punching the Tory twat in his stupid Tory face.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27- Wow! Did not see that one coming! - Bloody Tories, cutting benefits,
0:04:27 > 0:04:29cutting taxes for the rich and cutting the Army.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31And taking the Lib Dems down with them.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Well, You're foxy when you're cross. We should talk politics more often.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Let's have a steamy night in and talk about foreign policy.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- Nick! This does actually matter. - Sure it does.- It does!
0:04:40 > 0:04:41No, I'm agreeing.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43No, you're not. Anyway, who do you vote for?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- You do vote, right?- Yeah, I vote.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51I voted for... Who was the hot girl on X Factor?
0:04:51 > 0:04:53HELICOPTER APPROACHES
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Bye, Nick.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Sir, in view of recent events,
0:05:07 > 0:05:10I would like to volunteer to be the fire safety officer for the base.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11Fine.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14I'm ideal for the job because I'm used to pre-empting danger with...
0:05:14 > 0:05:18I said "fine". Talk to CQMS. He might have some equipment...
0:05:18 > 0:05:20- Sir.- ..or a special hat.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Why do ministers insist on visiting Afghanistan?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Why don't they just watch Ross Kemp, like everyone else?
0:05:38 > 0:05:42And they always drive off the heli in a natty little Land Rover.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46I'm a lieutenant colonel and I don't have a natty little Land Rover.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Are you saying you want a Land Rover, sir?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54What's the first rule? Get a Land Rover.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58See?
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Good morning, Colonel. I'm the minister.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Don't take the fucking piss, mate.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13I think I know who the Secretary of State for Defence is.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Uh, I'm the Minister for the Armed Forces? Colin Walters?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Welcome to the base, sir. Please excuse my earlier comments.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Don't worry, it happens all the time. I'm new!
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Lieutenant Colonel Smith. This is Captain Medhurst,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28who has generously volunteered to look after you for
0:06:28 > 0:06:30the few hours that we're delighted you could spend with us.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Much obliged. Ooh, Tim, write these names down, please.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- Uh, this is Corporal House, sir. - Sir.- House.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- And Corporal Bird, sir.- Bird.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43Lance Corporal Simon Lansley. Fire safety officer.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Which as you can see is going very well.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Minister, can I get you a brew?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50- Yes, a brew would be lovely. - Thank you.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04So, Jenny got moved to Transport, Neil got done for expenses,
0:07:04 > 0:07:06and the next thing was,
0:07:06 > 0:07:09I got a call saying, "Fancy being Minister for the Armed Forces?"
0:07:09 > 0:07:12What an inspiring story.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14It's quite funny when you think about it.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15I wasn't even a Cub Scout.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17And it's all one big game of Cubs out here.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Aye. Dib, dib, dib. Step, step, bang!
0:07:20 > 0:07:25Oh, sorry... No, I... Look, I really need to see the full picture.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28I need to see the grit. The muck. The danger.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Sir, I've been tasked with keeping you out of harm's way so I...
0:07:31 > 0:07:34No, no, no... I want to be in harm's way.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Yeah, it's just I hear that getting your legs blown off
0:07:37 > 0:07:39isn't quite as fun as you'd first imagine.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41What I meant was...
0:07:41 > 0:07:44I just want to see something go bang, but you're right.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49What I'm really here for is to find out what you guys want from us. Tim?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- Better food.- Yes.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55- Oh, more food.- Relocation of the entire war to Tuscany.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Ha! That's good, that's good. Don't write that down, Tim.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Maybe you could show me around the base, hmm,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02and then we'll see where we get to?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04We'll just get to a different bit of the base?
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Ooh, ah, boss.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Permission to deliver a fire safety lecture at a suitable time...
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Denied.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16"In case of emergency shout, 'Fire, fire, fire.' " Sounds reasonable.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Except in a war zone, where we all have weapons.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Oh, yes! Good point.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Thank you, Fire Officer Lansley.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25THEY LAUGH
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Who took...? No.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Oh, hi, Mary.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35I literally had no idea you'd be in here.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Ah, the padre in the chapel - what are the chances(?)
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Look, if it's about that Tory twat again, I've already told you... Oh!
0:08:40 > 0:08:42- Gosh! Hello!- Hello!
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- Rev Mary Greenstock. - Nice to meet you. I'm Colin Wal...
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Walters, yes, I know, yes, Lib Dem member for Croydon West.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52What's all this? You know him, then? Oi-oi!
0:08:52 > 0:08:55No, no, no, not personally. Well, I wish!
0:08:55 > 0:08:59No, I mean, I know your work. I know your work.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03He's a Methodist lay preacher and tireless social justice campaigner.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07Good news, Minister, we appear to have flushed out your stalker.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Oh! Stalker!
0:09:11 > 0:09:14By the way, the photo on your website doesn't do you justice.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Seriously?
0:09:16 > 0:09:21Oh, well, I'm sure that if the chaplains' department wanted someone
0:09:21 > 0:09:25to put on their, er, website, they couldn't do better than you, Padre.
0:09:27 > 0:09:32Minister... Look, why don't I show the minister around?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Because I think Nick must have 1,023 things to do.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37No, actually, no.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Boss, we've got a shout on suspected IED in Yellow 15.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- 1,024 now.- You must go.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46No hurry. The bomb'll still be there.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47But what if somebody steps on it?
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Then it won't be there. Problem solved.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Fine... I'll do the bomb.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Ooh! When we get back, let's eat the rest of that meat.
0:10:09 > 0:10:14No more barbecues! That's an order from the fire safety officer.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17But we've still got three-quarters of our goat left,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- and it's no' that nice raw. - I don't care! No more barbecues!
0:10:23 > 0:10:27What if...we didn't cook it on a barbecue...
0:10:28 > 0:10:29You want tandoor?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31What's a tandoor?
0:10:31 > 0:10:35A clay oven. Very hot fire. Bury it in the ground.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Kebabs - delicious.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- We should get that. - I find one for you. We shall agree.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- 100 dollars. - I'll give you 20.- Done.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46What was that? What were you selling him?
0:10:46 > 0:10:47BOTH: Porn.
0:10:49 > 0:10:54Right, Towerblock, this device is very unstable,
0:10:54 > 0:10:57so I think we're going to have to blow it in situ.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59But what about collecting evidence for forensics?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Fine, if we have to.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06But gotta work fast cos we're losing the light.
0:11:06 > 0:11:11Yeah, good point. It does always get dark around noon(!)
0:11:11 > 0:11:13At least I think is says noon.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16The sun's so blindingly bright I can't quite...
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Yes, all right.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19I have to get back to get that PONTI away from Mary.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- Ah.- Probably too late.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24He'll be bending her over the altar as we speak.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- I'm saying they're fucking. - Yes, all right!
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- Boss, I see movement. - Something is happening.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Glad we're paying extra for detail.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34GUNSHOTS
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Do not engage until we PID.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Do not engage until PID.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Diamond 21, this is Bluestone 42.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46Contact. Wait out.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Who the fuck is that?
0:11:49 > 0:11:53- Do not engage!- It's Ahmed! - I thought he...?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Oh, fucking hell!
0:11:55 > 0:12:00Ahmed, stop shooting your fucking gun!
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Taliban!
0:12:01 > 0:12:03HE SHOUTS IN ARABIC
0:12:03 > 0:12:06He says the Taliban can lick his balls!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12I can see them. The Taliban - not his balls.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Tree line - two o'clock.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Ahmed, you have to stop doing this!
0:12:28 > 0:12:33But, Bluestoners, I came to help my new friend, Towerblock!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35We make an awesome team.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39There we go, Towerblock. Some training on handling locals.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Why don't you outline the rules of engagement to Ahmed
0:12:42 > 0:12:44so I don't have to punch him in the face?
0:12:44 > 0:12:51Er, OK, Ahmed, if you want to get involved, you need to join the ANA.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Ahmed, why don't you share your views
0:12:53 > 0:12:56on the Afghan National Army with Towerblock here?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58They can lick my balls!
0:12:58 > 0:13:00He seems really keen on people licking his balls.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Maybe he doesn't have a shower.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06What you're doing fucks up the rules of engagement.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10We need positive ID before we return fire.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14This is what I like about the British. They are all about jokes!
0:13:14 > 0:13:18My most favourite comedian is Michael McIntyre.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20And what's our favourite joke of his?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Oh! The first time I heard him, I thought, yes!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I, too, have man drawer!
0:13:25 > 0:13:27And...what do you keep in it?
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Grenades.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Course you do!
0:13:31 > 0:13:35See? A massive end of a gigantic bell.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- Sir!- Hi, Nick.- Padre.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48Sir, if I could peel you off Mary for just one moment.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51I'm about to conduct a logistical demolition and I wondered if you
0:13:51 > 0:13:55would like to spend your last hour with us watching something go bang?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Ooh. That sounds good. Mary, do you mind?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01No, of course not. No, no, no... You're the boss.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Literally. Sorry.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07No, I'm just the Minister for the Armed Forces.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08I can't even start a war.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Well, that's something. Shall we?
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Ah, Private, could you hop out so I can borrow this vehicle?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Er...no, sir.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29I beg your pardon?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32This vehicle is for the exclusive use of the minster, sir.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33The minister's not here, is he?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36So, be a good chap and hop out, Private.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Sorry, sir. Specific orders from Brigade HQ.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Well, I'm a lieutenant colonel, so just...
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- put those orders to one side. Temporarily.- Sorry, sir.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Can't I just have a tiny go in it?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56A tiny, tiny go?
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Please? Come on, please? Superior office, please?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10You've made yourself a powerful enemy, Private.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30That should do it.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Boss, the colonel said to keep him out of harm's way.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36This is out of harm's way...ish. And it's out of Mary's way.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39I saw how much serviceable explosive you used.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41- They're going to hear this in Kabul. - Fuck it!
0:15:41 > 0:15:43I've got to stop him slithering into Mary's affections
0:15:43 > 0:15:46like some kind of tiresome, parasitic worm.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Right. Time for some fireworks.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55I mean the safe disposal of ordnance in a controlled environment.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Can I press the button?! Can I press the button?!
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Towerblock, we have guests!
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Sorry. Sir, would you like to press the button?
0:16:03 > 0:16:04Yes, please!
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Everyone in cover!
0:16:06 > 0:16:11Stand by. Controlled explosion in seconds one zero.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- Ten...- Sir, if you just wait for the countdown...
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- ..nine...- ..then push those two together.- ..eight,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- seven, six, five... - Should have a bit of a kick.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21I bumped up the donor charges by 10%.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23..four, three, two...
0:16:23 > 0:16:25But I already did that.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- ..one. BOTH:- Oh, shit- Firing!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Oh, yes!
0:16:39 > 0:16:41HE CHEERS
0:16:41 > 0:16:43- Woo-hoo!- So, Minister, this is what we do.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- Wow! Fantastic. - Shame you can't stay any longer.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48We could've taken you out in the field with us.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- Do you really mean that?- Course!
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Tim, cancel my meetings for tomorrow.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56I'm staying with Bluestone 42.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02Oops.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06And how long does he think he's staying for? A week? A lunar month?
0:17:06 > 0:17:07- Well, I hope it's...- Shut up!
0:17:07 > 0:17:11Medhurst, you are without doubt one of the least professional officers
0:17:11 > 0:17:13I've ever had the misfortune to meet.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15And I've been on joint ops with the French!
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Sir, he did specifically request to see a controlled demolition.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Oh, then since you're in a generous mood, I'm specifically requesting
0:17:22 > 0:17:25that you baby-sit that tiresome clot until he leaves, at which point,
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- you will be on shit-burning duty for the next six months.- Sir.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Now, if you'd be so kind as to shut the door
0:17:30 > 0:17:31as you get the fuck out of my office?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Is it ready yet?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50We've got to keep it at 400 degrees.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53Wood.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56Paraffin.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Can I smell burning?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Cookhouse, Skip.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18It smells like a barbecue.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Aye, aye! It does a bit, doesn't it?
0:18:24 > 0:18:28I cannae see a barbecue, though, Skip.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Must just be the cookhouse.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Fuck!
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Why is the ground on fire?! Fire!
0:18:36 > 0:18:41Watch out! No, no, no. That's paraffin!
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- Ow, ow.- Right, get that put out.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46I'm going to seek medical advice.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Right. I'm up to my chin in shit with the colonel.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54That shit is rapidly rising.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56If we can't get rid of this PONTI,
0:18:56 > 0:18:58the shit's going to go above my head
0:18:58 > 0:19:00and I'm going to be swimming in shit.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Towerblock, I need you to call your bezza, Ahmed.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- He's not my bezza. - He's a bellend. You'll see.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Whatever. At least he's reliably deranged.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10What you've got to do is, you've got to tell him to bring in something
0:19:10 > 0:19:15that looks like a massive device, so the PONTI is evacuated.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17You know, like a couple of palm oil containers,
0:19:17 > 0:19:20flour sacks taped together in the back of his car, bit of old wire.
0:19:20 > 0:19:21That's a terrible idea.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24The gate guards won't just let him drive it in.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Everyone watched Zero Dark Thirty last week
0:19:26 > 0:19:28and that's exactly what happened in that.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Is it? Which bit?
0:19:30 > 0:19:35The bit where they drive the car bomb into the base.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Oh. Yeah. That's my favourite bit.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39I never saw it. Was it any good?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Erm, can we just focus here, please?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45We will tell the gate guards that he's just been cleared
0:19:45 > 0:19:47as a locally employed civilian.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50You will then pretend to check the car then wave him through.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- OK, boss, if you're sure.- Yeah!
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Just tell him we need something that looks just like a massive device.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- Massive device, but not real. - Obviously not real.
0:20:02 > 0:20:07Holy fucking shit! Are you fucking insane?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I asked for a fake device.
0:20:09 > 0:20:14I know, but I found a real one, mate, so brought you that instead.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15And you didn't think to tell us that
0:20:15 > 0:20:18before we let you drive the fucking thing in here?!
0:20:18 > 0:20:22- I could drive it out again? - It's not safe!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24It might be?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Everything all right. Looks good, doesn't it?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28There's a reason for that.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Oh, shit!
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I thought you searched the car?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37I pretended to search the car.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Yes, but while you were pretending to search the car, I thought that
0:20:40 > 0:20:43you might have noticed... Doesn't matter, it's too late now.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Get my kit.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48We'll set up an ICP over there and evacuate to the perimeter
0:20:48 > 0:20:53and we'll just tell everyone there's a suspicious-looking device
0:20:53 > 0:20:58- in the car. OK?- Yeah, OK.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00What am I going to do?
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Not smoke! Bellend!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12- So, are we on?- Yes. Slight development. The bomb is real.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- It's a real bomb.- ALL: What?!
0:21:14 > 0:21:15I thought it was a fake bomb.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- Yeah. So did I. Turns out it's a real one.- Hang on.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21If the bomb that was meant to be fake is actually real,
0:21:21 > 0:21:22then nothing's changed.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25There's no trouble. We still evacuate him.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26Everything's OK.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Yes, Simon - everything's OK, apart from the socking great bomb,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33right there, that could flatten out most of the base.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- Oh, yeah.- Good morning, chaps! Has anyone seen the padre?
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Nope.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41I hope I didn't frighten her off! Is everything all right?
0:21:41 > 0:21:43This some sort of drill?
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Funny story, Minister. That is
0:21:44 > 0:21:46if you like stories that end with,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49"There's a bomb in that car!"
0:21:53 > 0:21:54A bomb?
0:21:56 > 0:22:00- Is it going to go off? - No. Milk goes off. Cheese goes off.
0:22:00 > 0:22:05Bombs function, detonate or destroy the entire base.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07But what is it even doing in the base?
0:22:07 > 0:22:10- Haven't you seen Zero Dark Thirty? - Aye. It was shite.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11THEY CHATTER
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Yes, all right! To sum up - it's a firm three stars.
0:22:13 > 0:22:18I'm sorry, Minister, but I'm afraid we're going to have to get you in a heli while I do a render safe.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20I already took the liberty of ordering you one.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23It's the Afghan Air Force, so good luck. Shall we wait over here?
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Right.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Let's hope I can sort this quickly before the colonel finds out.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Oh.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35Might just be me, but it seems this whole area is being evacuated.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Sir, if I can explain? That car...
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Don't drive a fucking car bomb into the fucking base!
0:22:39 > 0:22:43That's not even the first rule, it's so fucking obvious.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45- Sir. - Deal with that, then come and see me.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48I'm going to personally make sure that you are moved to
0:22:48 > 0:22:49the shittiest desk job in the Army,
0:22:49 > 0:22:51where even the desk is made of shit.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Awkward!
0:23:02 > 0:23:04How long until the chopper gets here?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06I really want to say goodbye to Mary before I leave.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09- Oh, feel free to pop out, sir, and find her.- Oh, really?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Yeah, just take a left at the car bomb.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Hey, Bluestoners!
0:23:17 > 0:23:20No cigarettes in here! This is live ammunition.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26Would a joint be OK? I feel kinda tense.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28RADIO CHATTER
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Roger that. Taxi for the minister.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Thank God!
0:23:51 > 0:23:54I can't take any positive action while the heli's there.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- Tell him he's clear to land. - Boss.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Are we safe here?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01How d'ye mean, safe?
0:24:01 > 0:24:04If the bomb were to detonate, what would happen?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- What, here?- Yeah.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08We'd die.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Aye. Definitely.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12Die.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Shit!
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Let's do this.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04OK, Towerblock, you can sound the all clear.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06ALARM BLARES
0:25:13 > 0:25:19Nick, this wasn't all just to get that PONTI away from me, was it?
0:25:19 > 0:25:22- No?- So, you normally let car bombs onto the base, do you?
0:25:22 > 0:25:25One showing of Zero Dark Thirty and suddenly everyone's an expert!
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Well, if it was to get rid of him, you needn't have bothered.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Last night he told me he's about to defect to the Tories,
0:25:31 > 0:25:34just to keep his majority at the next election.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35I thought he had principles.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39- It's just another Greenstock hope dashed.- Sorry.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- No, you're not.- No, you're right.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46So you didn't shag him, then?
0:25:49 > 0:25:51All done?
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Yeah. Look, as much fun as this has been, I think I'm going to be
0:25:54 > 0:25:56back in the UK before the minister.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58The colonel wants to make a bag-for-life out of my arse.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00That's odd,
0:26:00 > 0:26:02because you may have noticed that the minister was evacuated
0:26:02 > 0:26:05in a heli rather smaller than the one that brought him in here.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Too small, in fact, to fit that in it.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20No, oh, no, no! This is not safe! Get this all cleared up!
0:26:20 > 0:26:24- Aw, come on.- We're having our morning shish!- Where is he?
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Sir?
0:26:25 > 0:26:28That utterly useless soon-to-be-Lieutenant Medhurst. He seems...
0:26:28 > 0:26:30- CAR HORN BEEPS - Sir.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34What, erm... It's a Land Rover.
0:26:36 > 0:26:37So it is, sir.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40So it is.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Thank you, Captain Medhurst, I knew I could rely on you
0:26:44 > 0:26:47and Bluestone 42. Carry on.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54Yumbles.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58You know what, Towerblock,
0:26:58 > 0:27:01you should really have searched that car better.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03I'd left all these grenades in the glove box.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Right.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Give 'em here - I'll put them in the pit by the gate.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10No. It's OK, mate.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14I'll put them in the pit by the gate.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17No, not in the pit by the gate.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20In the pit by the gate.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Sure. Funny.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Ahmed, you fucking bellend, just do what I...
0:27:31 > 0:27:32Thank you!
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Not by the grenades!
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Fire! Fire! Fire!