0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14OK, Towerblock. Don't take it personally but I'm going off comms.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16- RADIO:- 'Boss.'
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Hello.
0:00:33 > 0:00:34GUNSHOTS
0:00:36 > 0:00:37GUNSHOT
0:00:50 > 0:00:51GUNSHOT
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Bloody Hell!
0:01:00 > 0:01:04ROCK MUSIC
0:01:29 > 0:01:31COMPUTER GAME: 'Get down, soldier. We need your help.'
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Shoot him in the face!
0:01:35 > 0:01:36'Nice shooting, private.'
0:01:36 > 0:01:38He'll need that looked at.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42Hey, guys. Ooh! So what's this?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Crisps.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Oh, the game? Metal Patrol III.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48It's brilliant.
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Right.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51So what, you just run around and shoot people?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53No, more complicated than that.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55You have to collect stuff.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Aye, it's running around shooting people.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Looks pretty easy.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Just saying. Uh...cos we're soldiers.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10It's what we do.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15So you're saying that if someone were shit at this,
0:02:15 > 0:02:18that'd mean they were a bad soldier?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21No, no. You know, marksmanship, reflexes...
0:02:21 > 0:02:23There's got to be some link.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27OK, Mr Reflexes. Let's see what you're made of.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28I don't want to cut in...
0:02:28 > 0:02:30REME guy can wait.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- Hey, I've got a name. - Sorry. Screwhole can wait.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- Thank you. - And Rocket's banned. He's too good.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38So...
0:02:41 > 0:02:42All right!
0:02:44 > 0:02:45You ready, skip?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Ooh, born ready. Vigilant. Always.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49- It's started.- Right. Shhh.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- COMPUTER GAME:- 'OK, let's get over that ridge and kick some ass!' - Ooh wait, wait, wait.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Are we on the same team or playing against each other?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- 'Mission failed!'- What? No!
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- Against each other.- He's Taliban.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Right. Fuck's sake. Go again!
0:03:03 > 0:03:07- 'OK, let's get over that ridge and kick some ass!' - Yeeeeeaaaah! Death or glory!
0:03:09 > 0:03:11'Mission failed.'
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Death. Screwhole's turn.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15No, bollocks to him! Go on!
0:03:15 > 0:03:20'OK, let's get over that ridge and kick some ass!'
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Nicholas Medhurst. How are things with you?
0:03:26 > 0:03:31Yeah, good. Nearly got shot. Simon saved my life again.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35- No biggy.- Wow! Are you OK?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- Yeah, I'm pretty much repressing it. - Nick?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39I know it's going to come back to haunt my nightmares
0:03:39 > 0:03:42in a year or two but I'm just going to make light of it until then.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Nick, seriously, you don't sound OK.
0:03:44 > 0:03:50No, I do have some residual tension. Some unrelieved residual tension.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51I'm not sure I like where this is going.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Where do you think this is going?
0:03:53 > 0:03:58I think you're probably going to ask for a hand job or something.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Before I choose, what's the something?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Do you know, I do actually quite like my job.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06So I'm not going to throw it away so I can touch your penis.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10OK, OK, I'm sorry.
0:04:10 > 0:04:15- OK? I did nearly die in a big pipe this morning.- OK.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19How are you feeling?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I could really use a hand job.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26You brought it up!
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Oof! Oh!
0:04:33 > 0:04:36What a lovely way to unwind after some war.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Stupid, stupid game.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Do you fancy a brew?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Boss, if you want me to make a brew for you, you can just ask,
0:04:47 > 0:04:49instead of dressing it up like a Rupert.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Cool! Brew please. I'm off to the ammo store.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56I am sick of being given the run-around by officers.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59I mean, how do Ruperts get you to agree to do everything for 'em?
0:04:59 > 0:05:04Intelligence? A winning smile? The basic chain of command?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Courtesy of Towerblock.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14I presume he spat in it.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15Probably.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Oi. Oi. Oi, Bird, Bird.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19I want to talk to you about Mary.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Do you mean you're going to crap on about Mary
0:05:22 > 0:05:23while I pretend to listen?
0:05:23 > 0:05:28She basically offered me a hand job, and then didn't give me a hand job.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Yeah, I expect that's exactly what happened.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33I still haven't had sexual intercourse with her.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34What am I going to do?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Mmm. OK. New idea. Try...
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Stop fucking going on about it!
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- What?- "Oh, Mary won't sleep with me.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43"Do you think she likes me?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46"Was she checking me out when I had my top off?"
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Boss. Please. Fuck her, or fuck off!
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Well, in fairness, I am trying to.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Corporal House.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Sir. How's the new Land Rover? That's the 1.5, isn't it?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Yes. It's a classic.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Shame it's not wired for sound but you can't have everything.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12It gets me from A to...just next to A.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16So I don't really need, say...an iPod dock.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- Well, you could easily fit one. - Really?- Yeah.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21It's the sort of thing that REME'd say is beyond their capability
0:06:21 > 0:06:25- but you know what they're like. - No. No, I won't hear of it, I'm sure you're far too busy.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Honestly, sir. Two-hour job tops.
0:06:28 > 0:06:33Well. If you're absolutely determined... Carry on!
0:06:33 > 0:06:36# I'm wired for sound... #
0:06:36 > 0:06:38KNOCK ON DOOR
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Afternoon, Padre. Everything all right?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Hi, Bird. Fine. Yeah, and you?
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Can I ask you a question? About the Bible.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48Go on.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51What does the Bible teach about hand jobs?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53What! Ah, OK, you've been talking to Nick.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56When do you think he's going to stop trying to have sex with me?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Directly after you've had sex with him.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02- That's very funny.- Right, Nick's permanent hard-on for you is
0:07:02 > 0:07:03because of your unavailability.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- So it's not because of my looks or my personality?- Doubt it.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10So, why don't you just cut to the chase, and fuck him.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13I'm not going to...er, have sex with him,
0:07:13 > 0:07:15just to stop him trying to have sex with me.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19What, so you don't fancy Nick at all?
0:07:19 > 0:07:20I wouldn't say not at all.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23I fancy him a little bit.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Really? God. I am genuinely shocked.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29A very little bit and I'm not going there.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33OK, to be honest, if you were to come on to Nick in any way,
0:07:33 > 0:07:36he would probably run a mile. Seriously.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37No. Really?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- Mmm-hmm.- Do you think? But then what if he doesn't?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Because I don't know if I could do that.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45But then if it worked.... Surely it's not that simple. Or is it?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- Maybe it is.- Do you know the term "internal monologue"?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50What? Oh! Yes, sorry!
0:07:54 > 0:07:57DRUM'N'BASS MUSIC
0:07:58 > 0:08:05Whoop! For the streets, for the kids, for the crew! Towerblock.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07What? Fancy a game of Metal Patrol III?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10You're never going to beat Mac. And I'm busy anyway.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- What are you doing?- Just allying up the Colonel's Land Rover.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15- We've all been there.- You what?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Let me guess, he didn't actually ask you outright.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22No, but I...I like messing around with cars.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Oh, bloody hell!
0:08:25 > 0:08:29- I've been given the run-around again?- Yes. He knows everyone's weak spot.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31He had me making goat's cheese.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Right, well, in that case, this can all come out again.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Yeah, that's what happened to the goat's cheese.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49KNOCK ON DOOR
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Hi, Nick.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Hot, isn't it?
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Quite mild, actually.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Well. I think it's almost, um, too hot.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Ooh, hello.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- Mary, are you...- Shhhhhh!
0:09:07 > 0:09:09You don't talk. I talk.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13There's something I want from you, Nick.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Something I've wanted for a long time.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17I'm not coming to church.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21I don't want you to come to church, Nick.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Well, I do want you to come to church, just not now.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29I'm a woman. You're a man.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Looking at a woman.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Who's looking at a man. Mmm.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38So you're saying that we're looking at each other.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Yes.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Yeah.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Do you like what you see?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45I do.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Then take me, Nick. Take me now.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50I'm all yours.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Really?
0:09:51 > 0:09:56Yeah. You and me. Sexy times. Right here. Right now.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57- Come on.- Sexy times?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59- Chop, chop!- Chop chop?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Let's have the sex you keep going on about.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Yeah, I'm going to go back to "really"?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Come on, Mary, what is it about this whole scenario
0:10:07 > 0:10:09that doesn't quite ring true?
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Uh...
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Oh, yeah, I know what it is. The whole scenario.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16After the way you've described me. To my face.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Sex pest.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Just forget about all that.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21- Walking erection.- Yes, all right.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Spurting jizz monkey.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Nope, you're right. That was Bird.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29But you know the first thing they teach you at ATO school?
0:10:29 > 0:10:33It's to look for the presence of the abnormal.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37And there is nothing more abnormal than YOU
0:10:37 > 0:10:40doing this.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43So if you don't mind - no, thanks.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45You are kidding, right?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47I just don't like the atmospherics.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Fine. Well, you had your chance.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54I'm not sure I did.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09Yes, come on. Die you little fucker!
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Shit, shit, shit... Yes!
0:11:11 > 0:11:13'Nice shooting, private.'
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Rocket launcher... oh!
0:11:15 > 0:11:17A rocket launcher at that range? The blast'll kill you.
0:11:17 > 0:11:22- Sir?- Up late, Corporal. Not like you to be playing silly games.
0:11:22 > 0:11:27The, er, game...will develop...skills?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Whatever. Let's shoot some grunts.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Sir. Er, the Allies, er, or the Taliban?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Ooh, Taliban!
0:11:39 > 0:11:41And, er, away we go.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45'Clear the village and head up the valley.'
0:11:45 > 0:11:48'The village is full of Taliban. Be on guard!'
0:11:52 > 0:11:53'Mission failed!'
0:11:55 > 0:11:59So. Turns out you CAN use a rocket launcher from that range.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Ah, well.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Search team nearly done, boss.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- Thank you, Sergeant Hogg. - Oi, Simon. You all right?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- You look fucked. - Yeah, I'm all right. OK.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Have you been up all night?
0:12:20 > 0:12:26Maybe. Although, I did finally complete the bomb factory level.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29The big bomb factory in the city?
0:12:29 > 0:12:30There's a city? What?
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Ha-ha! He knows nothing.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Yeah, well, we'll see how much I know when I fuck you up.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40In the game. Sorry.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Oi, Bird. A word.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50You know Mary...
0:12:50 > 0:12:52She's being very weird.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Seriously. Last night, she threw herself at me.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00She came into my quarters and she demanded "sexy times".
0:13:00 > 0:13:04- I mean, what does she want, Bird? - Presumably she wants...sexy times.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05Oh, come on.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07I'm the editor of the Sexy Times.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10I think if she was interested, she would have subscribed by now.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14- Well, she did finally admit she fancies you.- What?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16OK, all yours, boss.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20- Wait! When was this?- Yesterday. - And you didn't tell me immediately?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Well, it's not like you need extra encouragement to pester her for a shag, is it?
0:13:23 > 0:13:27So last night...that was my chance?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Shit!
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Fuck!
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- Boss?- All right!
0:13:37 > 0:13:42If I get blown up down there having not shagged Mary, I'm going to be...
0:13:42 > 0:13:43..really annoyed.
0:13:54 > 0:14:00Right, I've got some serious pastoral...shagging to discuss.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01S'later.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Yes, boss. And hope you get "past oral".
0:14:04 > 0:14:08So. Metal Patrol? Are you ready?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Or do you need a few more weeks' practice?
0:14:10 > 0:14:15Oh, I am as ready...as... an oven-ready chicken.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Plucked, giblets out.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23And this isn't giving the effect I was going for. Let's go!
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Corporal.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Sir.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33So the iPod dock was a no-no, then? Shame.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Yeah, well I'm sorry, sir. I've just had enough of being given...
0:14:36 > 0:14:39I mean, I er... I didn't have enough time.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Mmm. Probably for the best.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44REME were livid about you pissing on their patch, to be honest.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Well, with respect sir,
0:14:45 > 0:14:47I wouldn't let those nut fuckers near my lawn mower.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50They reckon a decent stereo system's impossible, anyway.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51REME said that?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Honestly, sir, that is just typical of those utter...
0:14:55 > 0:14:57But they are keen to install a few safety features.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Roll-bars. That sort of thing.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Reckon they can do them within a fortnight.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05A fortnight? You could do that in an afternoon.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Well, REME don't seem to think so.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09You must have a gift for this sort of thing.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Such a shame you don't have the time. Oh, well.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14Carry on.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22- Oh, hi, Nick.- Hi, Mary. - So, how was the...
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Wait! Hang on, this isn't what I wanted!
0:15:26 > 0:15:28- Isn't it?- No!- A little bird tell me it IS what you want.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Actually, Bird tells me it's what you want.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Yes, because I want it to stop!
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Do you fancy me or not?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Of course I fancy you! You're hot, you're tall, you look good in uniform
0:15:36 > 0:15:40- and you're incredibly brave. - Wow! I fancy me now. - Oh, you've always fancied you.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44- Well, I'm sure I can find room in my heart for both of us.- No! Stop.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- Bird said if I came on to you you'd run a mile!- She what?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49She's trying to push us together!
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Well, good old Bird, eh?
0:15:51 > 0:15:52No. Bad. Bad old Bird.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Are you sure? Because I thought that this bit...
0:15:59 > 0:16:01..was very nice indeed.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Stop that. Where is she?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09I'm going to give her a serious talking to.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Like she'll give a shit. Look, we should actually do something to get back at her.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14- Ger our revenge properly. - Keep talking.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17OK. So what would piss Bird off more than anything else?
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I've often wondered that.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21We should actually sleep together.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23No. We need to teach her a lesson.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Yes, by actually sleeping together!
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Look, Nick. I promise you that is not on the table.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29OK. We won't do it on a table.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35What if we act all lovey-dovey in front of her?
0:16:35 > 0:16:36She'll hate that.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38- Hmm. S'pose.- Let's do it.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40By "it", I hope you mean sexy times?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Again, no.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44OK. Well, if you change your mind.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48I'm hot, tall, look good in uniform and I'm incredibly brave.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Show yourself, you bastard!
0:16:53 > 0:16:57Come and get me! Yoo-hoo!
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Wow! You's been playing that for two hours.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Who are you, my mum?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Keep it covered!
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Die, fuck face!
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Daaaar!
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Yes!
0:17:11 > 0:17:13'Nice shooting, private!'
0:17:13 > 0:17:16You snooze, you lose. Woooah!
0:17:16 > 0:17:19So who's the best at Metal Patrol III, eh?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21I am.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Er, skip. Rocket's still the best.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29If you want to be the best, you gotta beat him.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Well, I'll need a kip first, but after that...
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Chicken! Cluck, cluck, cluck!
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Fine! Fine! Fine. Come on!
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Want another square of chocolate, big bear?
0:17:43 > 0:17:46I'd love one, snugglebums.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- Mmm.- Mmm.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Hey, so what - are you two together now?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56- Yep.- Is that really so hard to believe?
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Well, A: he's way out of your league.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04- Thanks, Bird.- And B: I'm supposed to believe that this is how you,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Nick Medhurst, behave when you're in a relationship?
0:18:07 > 0:18:08Yeah, it is.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11When I'm with my...
0:18:11 > 0:18:13..schnookums.
0:18:13 > 0:18:18Ah! You two are rubbish at this. So unconvincing.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19All right, see you later.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Rubbish.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26Well, we tried.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35She's gone. Sorry.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53COMPUTER GAME GUNFIRE
0:18:55 > 0:18:58'Mission accomplished, soldier.'
0:18:58 > 0:19:04Yes! Yes! Yes! In your stupid Scottish face!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Aye, well played, skip. Good game.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09You said I couldn't win!
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Well, fuck you, Mac, fuck you, Rocket,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16and fuck all those guys over there.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Sh!
0:19:23 > 0:19:26I think I need to sit down.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Rest the eyes.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33Not today, thank you.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37I thought I was pretty convincing.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40You totally over-egged it. Schnookums?
0:19:40 > 0:19:44- You called me big bear. - Well, you're extremely tall! I was working with what I got.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- What are we going to do about our revenge for being messed about? - What about that?
0:19:47 > 0:19:51- She's only going to believe it if she walks in on us.- OK, OK. So we get someone to send her over
0:19:51 > 0:19:53and then we're snogging as she walks in.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55No. It's not enough.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57She has to walk in on us having sex.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- Nick... - Pretending to have sex. Obviously.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02I don't think that's a brilliant idea.
0:20:02 > 0:20:07OK. Look. She finds us over here, right? But she can't quite see what's going on properly
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- because of the mosquito nets. - No, that's not believable.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14- Eh?- Well, the bed's not strong enough. Think about the repeated up-and-down motion.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Or...we could, you know,
0:20:17 > 0:20:21go at it more gently, you know, like a kind of slow...
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Yeah, but we're trying to convince her that we're in the early stages of our relationship, right?
0:20:25 > 0:20:30- So we'd go at it pretty fast and hard, don't you think?- Yeah. Yeah, that's...probably more believable.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Yeah, I mean REALLY go to town on each other.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- Mmm. - I don't even think we'd use the bed.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38This is solid, right?
0:20:38 > 0:20:42Ooh. There's only one way to find out.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46Go on, lift me up. Or do you need a diagram?
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Ooh! Ah.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Is that...is that believable?
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Feels pretty believable to me.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- Yeah, I think that works.- Yup.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- It doesn't give you much movement, though.- Probably enough.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02Yeah, but she'd expect you to be more in control.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Wouldn't you just...
0:21:05 > 0:21:06..bend me over the desk?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10I might be too tall.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11Have you got any heels?
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Uh, bit dressy for Afghan, I find. Come on!
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Mmm.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Ah...yep.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Mmmm. Nick.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43Careful, Rocket. Careful!
0:21:43 > 0:21:45It's like Buckaroo. I loved Buckaroo.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47And Hungry Hippos.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Let's put plastic balls in his mouth.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Or real ones.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Where's Nick?
0:21:55 > 0:21:59- Reports just came back from the WISWO on that device.- WISWO! Sh!
0:22:00 > 0:22:04- Nice job!- Cheers. I think Nick went to see the Padre.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Course he did.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09God, I wish they'd just fuck each other and get it over with.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11It's too painful.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14LUSTFUL PANTING
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Oh!
0:22:34 > 0:22:35Ah!
0:22:38 > 0:22:42Wait. Weren't we meant to get Bird to walk in on us?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- Yeah. Oh, shit.- Oh, shit.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Oh, Nick. This was not a good idea.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- Knock, knock!- Wait!- Wait!
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Right, if you two are going to try and convince me of something,
0:23:04 > 0:23:06it has to be plausible.
0:23:06 > 0:23:13So what, you just had sexy times on the desk in the middle of the afternoon?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Anyway, WIS report.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Aw, look, you've chucked books on the floor and everything.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23All that effort wasted.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Yeah, I can't believe we thought that would work.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27No. Yeah. Totally unbelievable.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Better luck next time, losers.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32RUBBISH!
0:23:43 > 0:23:45HE MUMBLES
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Har-har!
0:24:18 > 0:24:22Tank! Tank! Shotgun, rifle, launcher!
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Taaa-pow!
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Ah! Game over!
0:24:36 > 0:24:37LAUGHTER
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- Ah, mate!- Classic!
0:24:40 > 0:24:43What! I need ammo, I need ammo for the er...
0:24:43 > 0:24:45It's a hockey thing.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46You were sleepwalking, mate.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48You snooze, you lose!
0:24:48 > 0:24:50No, I wasn't!
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- Rematch later?- Fuck off!
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Ah. Roll-bar. iPod dock.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Cocktail holder!
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Coffee holder, sir.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Of course.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14DRUM'N'BASS MUSIC
0:25:14 > 0:25:15Marvellous.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24You, my friend, have just been played.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27No, no, no.
0:25:27 > 0:25:32The Colonel THINKS that he's played me. But actually, I have played him.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35You see, I did all that so I could get one over on REME.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37And I fuckin' owned those guys.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Oh, yeah?
0:25:38 > 0:25:39Oi! Screwhole!
0:25:39 > 0:25:41- What?- You said it couldn't be done.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Said what couldn't be done?
0:25:43 > 0:25:46The roll-bar, the iPod dock, all that.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48What are you talking about?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Well, didn't the... the Colonel, he...
0:25:54 > 0:25:59Oh, fucking hell! Been given the run-around by a Rupert again.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Oh! Poor innocent Towerblock.
0:26:02 > 0:26:08Sometimes, you need to learn to see what is in front of your own eyes.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12Holy shit!
0:26:14 > 0:26:17KNOCK ON DOOR
0:26:17 > 0:26:20So, nice try, Nick.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21Good plan.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Yeah. It's ridiculous, though, you know.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Me and Mary, totes unbelievable.
0:26:26 > 0:26:31One thing, though. If the plan was for me to walk in on you,
0:26:31 > 0:26:34then, why did no-one come and get me?
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I mean, I just happened to come in with that report.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41So either you two were standing around all afternoon,
0:26:41 > 0:26:44looking surprised, fumbling with your trousers, or...
0:26:44 > 0:26:48No, we didn't.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Yes, you did!
0:26:50 > 0:26:54I know what people look like... No, I know what Nick Medhurst looks like
0:26:54 > 0:26:55when he's just had sex.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Yes, but Mary wouldn't, would she?
0:26:57 > 0:27:02Because she would lose her job if anyone found out.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03So?
0:27:05 > 0:27:06What's it worth?
0:27:06 > 0:27:10Name your price. This cannot get out.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12OK. I won't tell anyone,
0:27:12 > 0:27:16as long as you stop fucking going on about Mary.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Yep, all right, Bird. The thing is, I do need your advice, OK,
0:27:19 > 0:27:21- cos I'm not quite sure how to... - Zip!
0:27:22 > 0:27:24- Bird, you're the only person...- Zip!
0:27:27 > 0:27:29All right.
0:27:29 > 0:27:35I promise to never, ever discuss Mary with you ever again,
0:27:35 > 0:27:37starting from now, OK?
0:27:37 > 0:27:39There. You got what you wanted.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41And you got what YOU wanted.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Yeah, I suppose but.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47But...what? Was it...bad?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Was she bad?
0:27:49 > 0:27:52- Oh, Nick! You've got to tell me everything.- Not allowed.
0:27:52 > 0:27:57I promised to never, ever, ever discuss Mary with you, ever again.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00- Oh, Nick!- Zip.- Really?- Zip!
0:28:00 > 0:28:01Bastard!