0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07- Why are you standing there? - I thought it was a team shot.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13- What's that expression? - I'm smiling.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Smiling?
0:00:15 > 0:00:18- It looks as if you're crying.- No.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20I wouldn't have been crying.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30LOW CHATTER
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Hey, Georgie!
0:00:49 > 0:00:51We've got a big problem here, Bob.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54I mean, it's a real Pearl Harbor.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Well,
0:00:56 > 0:00:58you've got skirt,
0:00:58 > 0:01:00skirt, husband...
0:01:01 > 0:01:03..and me.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Now, I just think it would help the campaign
0:01:05 > 0:01:08if you could find yourself a...a wife or a...a girlfriend
0:01:08 > 0:01:09or a...
0:01:09 > 0:01:11a woman pal.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16"Local man with local skirt."
0:01:16 > 0:01:20Well, that's votes, Bob. That's votes right there.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31PHONE KEYPAD BEEPS
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Mary!
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Bob Servant.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40I'm terrific, just sitting here in the extension.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Yourself?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44WOMAN CHATTER INDISTINCTLY
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Tell me, Mary, are you still going aboot in them glasses of yours?
0:01:50 > 0:01:52The big ones?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Sorry, Mary! Just going into a tunnel!
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Can't be doing with that.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Ah. Daphne.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Daphne?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Bob Servant.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Well, you know, just...checking in.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17Oh, dear.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21When was that?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23And it was your hip?
0:02:23 > 0:02:27What a bunch of cowboys! Sorry, Daphne, can you just...
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Hip replacement. Botched.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31She's got a limp.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35Like a sign of weakness. People might think you've kicked her.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Daphne? Could you call me back? Couple of months. Happy hopping!
0:02:41 > 0:02:42This isn't working.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Ach, it's the wrong season for skirt, Frank.
0:02:54 > 0:02:59It's always best after New Year's Eve or April Fools' Day,
0:02:59 > 0:03:02when there's all the trial separations going on.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04And the plains are full of buffalo.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06And the thing is, Frank, you know, women...
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- can pickle your brain.- Oh!
0:03:08 > 0:03:12Oh, it's always the same. You meet someone, you have a wee chat,
0:03:12 > 0:03:14and you think, "Well, this is just terrific."
0:03:16 > 0:03:19And things move on, and suddenly, you're spending every day with them.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Time passes,
0:03:20 > 0:03:23and before you know it, you're thinking, "Oh, Christ, what am I doing?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26"This is just awful and I need to get out."
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Oh, that's the drill.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30And sometimes that happens all within an hour.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32On the bus.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35They get inside your head like...like worms.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37That's it, Frank.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40That's it. Worms. Worms.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Pretty wee worms with their nice claithes and lovely hair.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Oh, look at them!
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Butter wouldn't melt, eh?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51They cut your heart open, put a hand grenade inside,
0:03:51 > 0:03:55slap you on the back, say they're your best pal
0:03:55 > 0:03:57and would you like to go to the water slides.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- Every time. - WAITER: I'll give you a minute.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Oh, look.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04The very man.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06All right, gentlemen. How's it hanging?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Ah, Norrie.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11That is a lovely piece of leather.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13New delivery, gentlemen.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- You could use an upgrade, Bob.- Oh, never mind that.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Norrie, I'm making myself available for the skirt again.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Local skirt.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23How local?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Well, let's say as far as Carnoustie for now,
0:04:26 > 0:04:30but I'd consider Forfar if they have their own transport.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31- Brechin?- Not a chance.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- Fair enough.- So...
0:04:33 > 0:04:35- could you put out the whispers? - What kind of whispers?
0:04:35 > 0:04:39Oh, you know, you know. Something like, "Bob's available for the skirt,
0:04:39 > 0:04:40"as long as they behave themselves
0:04:40 > 0:04:42"and don't start telling him about stuff they've seen on the telly
0:04:42 > 0:04:45"or asking him to talk to their pals at parties."
0:04:45 > 0:04:46That's quite a whisper.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Och, well, I'm quite a man.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- Morning, ladies.- Morning.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02CHURCH BELLS RING
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Oh, look, Bob, it's the baddies.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11So it is. Tweedledum and dickhead.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14You're lucky I didn't have you arrested.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- What for? - False imprisonment.- Eh?
0:05:17 > 0:05:18You locked me in a cupboard.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22You were in there for two minutes. Carrying on like you're Terry Waite!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Aye, they're getting scared.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27We were certainly "scared" by your photo in this morning's paper.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31Yeah, that was intriguing. Were you crying?
0:05:31 > 0:05:32No.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36You don't have a partner. Other than...
0:05:36 > 0:05:38What are you two doing here?
0:05:38 > 0:05:42My wife and I are committed Christians. We were simply saying hello.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Do you know all the hymns?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- The vast majority.- The vast majority of the hymns, yes.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50I presume you two gentlemen aren't religious?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Um...we dae Halloween.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- I'm sure you do. - Oh, it's bollocks!
0:05:54 > 0:05:57It's all part of the plan.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59You two are here for the religious vote.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01You're an extraordinary man.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Oh, thank you very much.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Mr Servant, I might be in Broughty Ferry to win a by-election,
0:06:07 > 0:06:09but there are more important things than politics.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11No, no...you're right.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16There's more than one God mob.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS
0:06:25 > 0:06:28You see, the thing is, Your Excellency,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30the Edwards boys have bagged the Catholics
0:06:30 > 0:06:32and I want to get my message to your fans.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34My congregation.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38I can't ever remember seeing your faces amongst them.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Well, I'm a first-time caller.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Bob, I know for a fact you told people I was a wizard.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Oh, no, no, that was a genuine mistake.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47I saw a documentary. Things got jumbled.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49I won't be endorsing
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- any of the candidates.- No, you wouldn't have to endorse us.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Just drop a subtle hint to the punters.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Oh, aye? Such as?
0:06:56 > 0:07:00Such as, er..."Thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04"Vote Bob Servant. Ding-dong! Merrily on high."
0:07:04 > 0:07:06How about you, Frank? Are you religious?
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Well, I...well, I came here when I was wee for Sunday school.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Well, we'd welcome you back.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15I'd be a lot bigger than the other boys.
0:07:15 > 0:07:20Look, if you two are serious, why don't you stay for the day?
0:07:20 > 0:07:21The day?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Yeah, if you want to represent Broughty Ferry,
0:07:24 > 0:07:25then you should know what we do here.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Well, is it no just singsongs and horoscopes?
0:07:28 > 0:07:29There's a lot more to it than that, Bob.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Sorry, pal, I've got a campaign to run.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Ah, well, I tried.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Who's that?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Kirsty's one of our volunteers.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- Well, you've just got yourself two more volunteers.- Is that so?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49A few hours. We can spare a few hours.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51After all, a bit of community service
0:07:51 > 0:07:53- wouldnae come amiss. - No, no, no.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55You guys get yourselves home.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59As the Bible says, "You yourself are God's temple."
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Ah, but, as the Bible also says, "The customer is always right."
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Maybe you should stay.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Good. I'll help Kirsty with the flowers.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Oh, I think we can do better than that.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19FRANK SIGHS
0:08:19 > 0:08:21This is embarrassing, Bob.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Imagine what it's like for me.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Oh-oh-oh!
0:08:27 > 0:08:29(Aye.)
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Into the valley of death rode good old Bob.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Bob Servant, independent.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52Standing in the by-election, doing what I can for the people.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54I shoot from the hip.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Well, I think that's really cool.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Those politicians could do with someone ruffling their feathers.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Oh, I'll ruffle their feathers.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05I'll rip their beaks off.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07I'm Kirsty.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10I was, er...watching you
0:09:10 > 0:09:12from over there.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14You look like an angel...
0:09:16 > 0:09:19..apart from not having the fish bit, obviously.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Sorry, that's mermaids.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23What's mermaids?
0:09:23 > 0:09:26It's mermaids that have the fish bit, not angels.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- That makes a bit more sense.- Anyway,
0:09:30 > 0:09:32I'll let you get on.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43Oh, she's a wonderful woman, Frank. She dances to the beat of her own drum.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46He really carries off the beard, doesn't he, Bob?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Not a lot of men can.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52- What's her story, do you think? - He absolutely nails it.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Hello.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04BOB SIGHS
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Are you a...
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Gardener.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10I was going to say disciple.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13- Gardener. - Ah.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17I've just been talking to Kirsty in there.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18Any whispers about her?
0:10:20 > 0:10:21Whispers?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23You know, likes, dislikes, hobbies.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Funny things that have happened to her.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29So I can pretend that the same funny things have happened to me.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31The two of us look at each other as if to say,
0:10:31 > 0:10:33"Oh, what's that all about?"
0:10:33 > 0:10:35I don't really know her, pal. I cannae help you.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39Are you frightened?
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Sorry?
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Are they holding you here against your will?
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Listen.
0:10:49 > 0:10:54If you want to escape, the two of us can get you out.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Do you like my hair?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12It's me, Bob.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13So it is.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Oh, you've got an admirable sense of humour.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17SHE GIGGLES
0:11:17 > 0:11:19I suppose your husband cannae be very happy,
0:11:19 > 0:11:22you spending all your time at the church?
0:11:22 > 0:11:23I bet he just sits at home,
0:11:23 > 0:11:26looks at photos of you and tries on your cardigans.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27My husband died last year.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Died? Oh, dear.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Well, I'm sure he's up there somewhere. Hm?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Watching you dust
0:11:36 > 0:11:40and saying, "Oh, look, look, Kirsty! Kirsty, you've missed a bit!
0:11:40 > 0:11:43"Oh, darling, darling, you should live a little.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45"Let that lovely hair of yours down."
0:11:45 > 0:11:47What's the password for the Wi-Fi?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Bob?
0:11:49 > 0:11:50What?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52We're about to start our afternoon prayer group.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56I thought it might be educational for you to take part.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Oh. Are you coming?
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Oh, I think Kirsty's got enough on her plate, don't you?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06This is a stitch-up.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Claire, why don't you start us off?
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Yeah, I would like to ask for a prayer for my boy, Owen.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19He's been behaving very badly indeed.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Here we go.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23He's just so disobedient.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26If he doesn't get his cartoons, he has a tantrum.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28If he doesn't get his juice, he has a tantrum.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Sounds like Frank.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Very good!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- REVEREND THOMSON:- Carry on, Claire.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36I'm just at my wits' end.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39You're a wonderful mother, Claire. You'll get through this.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Thank you, Ruby.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44God loves you and your son.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47OTHERS: And God supports you. Amen.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55Well, you all know what I'm gonna ask for. Another prayer for my car.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57OTHERS CHUCKLE
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Are they drunk?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- Happy.- My clutch brake friction springs
0:13:01 > 0:13:03are knackered.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05You remember what happened the last time?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07One prayer and they fixed themselves.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Well, God loves you and your clutch brake friction springs.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14OTHERS: And God supports you. Amen.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19On a more serious note, I'd like to thank everyone here
0:13:19 > 0:13:22for their prayers over the last few months for my wife.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24As you know, she's pulling through.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27And, well, the doctors are wonderful,
0:13:27 > 0:13:31but I know that your prayers are doing their bit too.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34God loves you and your wife.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36OTHERS: And God supports you.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- Amen. - Supports you.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41I'm OK, thanks.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44On you go, Bob. Whatever's on your mind.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Er...
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Well, er...
0:13:53 > 0:13:57..I've decided to get myself a girlfriend,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00because Frank made me look stupid in the papers.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Over the years, I've had some unbelievable adventures with the skirt.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I mean, I could tell you some stories, but I'm not sure if they'd be quite...
0:14:07 > 0:14:10- I don't think so. - Oh, just one, then! Um...
0:14:10 > 0:14:15Er...that woman in Safeway's with the turnips.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18BOB CHORTLES
0:14:19 > 0:14:20No.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22That muscular woman at the car wash.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23No!
0:14:23 > 0:14:25I really don't think...
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Oh, Invergowrie!
0:14:26 > 0:14:28BOB AND FRANK CHUCKLE
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Invergowrie! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh!
0:14:31 > 0:14:33There was this one day...
0:14:33 > 0:14:35- Bob... - ..on the train to Perth.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Bob...
0:14:36 > 0:14:38I said to her, I said, "Here we are in the cheap seats,
0:14:38 > 0:14:42"and certain parts of your body belong in the first class carriage."
0:14:42 > 0:14:44- Bob...- Well, we got off at Invergowrie...
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- Bob...- ..and we went and found a shed...
0:14:46 > 0:14:47- Bob, no!- ..and we...
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Well, you get the gist. I mean, he does anyway.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53CHORTLING
0:14:53 > 0:14:56When you get older, I mean, all the best skirt's been picked off.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00I mean, I'm seriously, seriously considering
0:15:00 > 0:15:04one with big glasses and another one wi' a limp.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06And that's...that's just ridiculous.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Bob, love can strike at any time.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12There must be some women find you attractive.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- Well, you'd think so. - CLAIRE: Absolutely.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18You're very...eclectic.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20I work out.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23This is the home of the Lord.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27You can find an answer to anything in this building. You just have to ask.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Oh.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32You mean I could still have a wee shottie at, er...
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Well done, Bob. God loves you.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39OTHERS: And God supports you. Amen.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Oh, thank you.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Thank you. Thank you very much.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51I get the most awful depressions.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Dinnae spoil it, Frank.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59That lot said I should ask you for your tea tonight.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Oh, I...I'm not sure about that.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06I know it's daft, but I still feel my husband's spirit watching over me.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07Simple. Table for three!
0:16:07 > 0:16:10We'll put out a saucer of milk and a carrot.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Oh, no, that's Santa, isn't it?
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Frank! Frank can be our chaperone!
0:16:17 > 0:16:19- For what?- Tonight.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21We're taking Kirsty for her tea.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23I've got my swimming lessons.
0:16:23 > 0:16:28Er...well, there is a lovely new restaurant, Surf And Turf.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Well, let's surf! On the campaign!
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Ah, well, within reason.
0:16:34 > 0:16:39I mean, starter and a main course or a main course and a pudding.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- It's one or the other.- OK.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51SHOP BELL RINGS
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Cancel the whispers, Norrie.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56I'm out tonight. I need something special.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Top quality leather, gentlemen. Handmade. Waterproof.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05- Waterproof?- Did I say waterproof?
0:17:05 > 0:17:09Somebody said waterproof. It must be waterproof.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17HE WHISTLES
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Start the bus.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29- How much?- 200.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- Is that pounds? - Yeah, it's pounds.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33This is special leather, lads.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35It's only taken aff the cow's backs.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37It's basically what THEY use as jackets.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Norrie, I'll take it. Frank, it's on the campaign.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- Now, look, Bob, I'm not sure if we can...- You know, Norrie, back in the '80s,
0:17:43 > 0:17:47I had a jacket that was an absolute game-changer!
0:17:47 > 0:17:50In that jacket, I felt like an astronaut.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Everyone in Broughty Ferry loved it, even the boo-boys.
0:17:53 > 0:18:00People would stop me in the street and say "Hello, Bob, is that your special jacket?"
0:18:00 > 0:18:02And I'd say...yes.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07- Well, what happened? - What happened?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09I left it in the burger van one day,
0:18:09 > 0:18:12and someone not too far from us
0:18:12 > 0:18:15spilt an industrial-size bucket of brown sauce on it.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16That's what happened.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Norrie, we'll take it.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21There's a bus crash in Menzieshill.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Oh, nice one. Serious?
0:18:23 > 0:18:29Well, the...the bus passengers were "shaken up".
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Shaken up? Not exactly the Titanic, is it?
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Come on, Frank, give me something I can work wi'.
0:18:34 > 0:18:39Oh. There's a woman in Downfield lost her guinea pig,
0:18:39 > 0:18:41and...
0:18:41 > 0:18:44it came back the next day.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Francis.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Unless the guinea pig came back speaking French and dressed as a cowboy,
0:18:49 > 0:18:51it's nae use to me!
0:18:51 > 0:18:53You've seen Kirsty. She's kooky.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56I need something kooky. Give me kooky, Frank, kooky!
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Well, there's...there's a boy in Lochee got his head stuck in a bucket.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03There's my opener!
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Starter for ten! Saddle me up!
0:19:06 > 0:19:08MUSIC PLAYS
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Ah! There she is!
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Good evening, Kirsty. I'm...I'm Bob's friend, Frank.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29We've met.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32There seems to be a problem with the table?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35You only booked a table for two.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Did you forget about me?
0:19:38 > 0:19:43Well, I've already had my tea, by mistake,
0:19:43 > 0:19:45er...so I'm... I'm just going to have a...a drink at the bar
0:19:45 > 0:19:47and not get in anyone's way.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Well, of course, that's your decision, Frank!
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Perhaps you'd like to become Bob's girlfriend
0:19:54 > 0:19:57and be in his poster?
0:19:57 > 0:20:04But there's no pressure. I mean, for now just enjoy your tea and see how you feel.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Thank you, Frank. And you'll be at the bar?
0:20:10 > 0:20:11At the bar, Kirsty, yes.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Shall we go?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25- Can I take your jacket, sir? - Not yet.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28I want her to get the full benefit.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36You look lovely.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Your eyes are like...
0:20:53 > 0:20:55..grapes.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- In what way? - In every way.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00And you've got the make-up just right.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03You know, sometimes it can be a bit clowny.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06My mother used to say a woman shouldn't hide her flaws.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Here, did you hear about the boy in Lochee?
0:21:09 > 0:21:11- With the bucket? - Aye! The bucket!
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- Ha-ha-ha-ha! The bucket! - The bucket! Ha-ha!
0:21:13 > 0:21:15That was awful.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Terrible. A tragedy.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22You know I'm thinking seriously of doing something for the lad.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Shrink his head?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27I thought a fun run or something.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Oh!
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Do you know, Kirsty,
0:21:32 > 0:21:34you know, when I came to the church
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- and got baptised... - You weren't baptised.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38..and met yourself, I started to think...
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Bob, we're not in church any more.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44I'm sure there's more interesting subjects we can talk about.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Oh.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Want to open the Bob file, do we?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Tell me about your campaign.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Oh, like the politics, do we?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Ah, well, I'm sure I could explain things.
0:22:00 > 0:22:05I saw...is it the Edwards earlier? They were handing out tomato soup.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Disgusting.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- The soup? - The Edwards.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Right!
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- Shall we risk their wine? - BOTH CHUCKLE
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Hey, you haven't got to work tomorrow, have you?
0:22:17 > 0:22:19I don't work.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Not at all?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24When my husband died, I received a large insurance settlement.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28A silver lining on what must have been a very sad cloud.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31I didn't even know he had a fully comprehensive life insurance policy
0:22:31 > 0:22:34covering any form of accidental death.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37If I could ask...
0:22:38 > 0:22:40..how did he go?
0:22:40 > 0:22:42He slipped away.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Dare I say...measles?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48No, he slipped away.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51We were down at the pier, and he fell in.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55- Down there?- Mm-hm.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57It was high tide.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00There was nothing I could do.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02What are you having?
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- What about the lifeboat? - Bank holiday.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- Could you not have thrown him a ring?- There wasn't time.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13He fell in, he splashed about for a bit and then he was gone.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Gone in seconds. Sunk.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18What was he wearing, a suit of armour?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22We should order.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35- Are ye in for a bite to eat? - Yeah.
0:23:37 > 0:23:42- I'm just watching those two. - Oh, right. OK.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44So, you've never been married?
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Oh, no. No, I've dodged that particular sledgehammer.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50But, you know, never say never.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54As I always say, there's more than one chair in my extension.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55Ah!
0:23:55 > 0:23:56Right!
0:23:56 > 0:24:01I'll have the chops, and tell the chef to have a bit of fun with them.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02KIRSTY: Ah, no, Bob.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06- You must have the haddock. - It's very popular.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07Oh, it is, is it?
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Well, I suppose if I must have the haddock...
0:24:12 > 0:24:13I must.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Steak for me. Bloody.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20You're the independent candidate for the by-election, aren't you?
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Uh-huh, uh-huh. That's part of who I am.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25We had the Edwards in here earlier.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Oh. Oh, did you now?
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Anyway, I'm sure you'll enjoy your haddock.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Oh, you'll love the haddock.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46I can see clearly now.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50The rain...has gone.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Safe journey home.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Kirsty's a hit man.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- Right. - She murdered her husband.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06The Edwards have hired her to kill me.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08The waiter's in on it. They're going to poison me with haddock.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Right. I should have pieced that together.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12There's nae time to point the fingers, Frank.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15We've got to ride this one out. Code red.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16Doors to manual.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Mayday!
0:25:35 > 0:25:36BOB SIGHS
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Is everything OK?
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Oh...potato, pot-tah-toe.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Ah! Here it is.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47My last supper.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- Enjoy. - Looks delicious.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57Oh, and I suppose you two want me just to eat this all up,
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- don't you? - Is that not the plan?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Oh, you admit that there's a plan?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Oh, oh!
0:26:10 > 0:26:12- Where's the wire?- The wire?
0:26:13 > 0:26:14There's always a wire.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Sorry, I don't...
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Where's the wire?!
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Get down, please, Bob!
0:26:26 > 0:26:31So! Edwards thought he could JFK me with a haddock, did he?
0:26:31 > 0:26:35Well, you tell him, you tell him from me, that if he comes for me again,
0:26:35 > 0:26:38it'll be Black Hawk Down Broughty Ferry!
0:26:38 > 0:26:40And as for you, sweetheart...
0:26:41 > 0:26:43..so sorry, darling...
0:26:44 > 0:26:47..but I don't date assassins.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53That's true, he doesn't.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08- Mary? Bob.- 'Bob?'
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Servant!
0:27:11 > 0:27:13What about contact lenses, Mary?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15'I don't like contact lenses.'
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Could you cover your glasses up?
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Little curtains?
0:27:19 > 0:27:21LINE GOES DEAD
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Mary? Mary?
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Hello? Oh.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30- No ambitions, pal. - Her loss.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34# Do you ever think back on old memories like that
0:27:34 > 0:27:37# Or do I ever cross your mind...? #
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Well, sing it, Dolly.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Right, Frank, new poster.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47People of Broughty Ferry.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Bob Servant Independent hereby announce
0:27:50 > 0:27:54we are no longer interested in the God mob or the skirt.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56The God mob just try and trick you with the Bible,
0:27:56 > 0:27:58when all they want is their floor mopped.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02And as for the skirt, well, I very kindly made myself available
0:28:02 > 0:28:05and ended up buying tea for a murderer!
0:28:05 > 0:28:09So that's it! No skirt and no religion, and while we're at it...
0:28:09 > 0:28:13Ah! I shall be returning to my signature jacket.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17And if anybody has any problem with that, they can just fucking whistle for it!
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Vote Bob Servant. All the very best. Et cetera.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Get that down to the printers ASAP.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27Well, we'll maybe check it over in the morning, Bob.
0:28:31 > 0:28:32Bob?
0:28:44 > 0:28:45DOLLY LAUGHS
0:28:45 > 0:28:47- Thank you, darling. - I love you.