0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13Well, folks, it's all eyes on Broughty Ferry,
0:00:13 > 0:00:15with just two weeks to the by-election.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17Joining us in Scotland At One
0:00:17 > 0:00:19is Nick Edwards, described by some
0:00:19 > 0:00:21as a Westminster star in the making. Nick.
0:00:21 > 0:00:25Well, actually, Sally, I don't really care about Westminster.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29I only care about Broughty Ferry. I want to be king of that castle.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33- I just hope I'm given the chance. - And in terms of your policies?
0:00:33 > 0:00:36- Mm. Well, I... Oh, for Christ's sake... - We're filming!
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Good morning, er...I'm the campaign manager for Bob Servant, independent.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43We're launching a media extravaganza
0:00:43 > 0:00:45and I wondered if you'd like to speak to Bob next.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Cos having Bob on your show would wow the folks at home
0:00:49 > 0:00:50because he's...he's handsome
0:00:50 > 0:00:54and he... I tell you, he can turn out stories like hot cross buns.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56We're actually doing an interview...
0:00:56 > 0:01:00However, you're not allowed to show Bob's mouth moving,
0:01:00 > 0:01:03but then get someone else to say daft stuff
0:01:03 > 0:01:05and make it look like Bob's saying it.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Like when that dog said "Sausages" on Tomorrow's World, you know?
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Mm-hm?
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Hey, Georgie!
0:01:39 > 0:01:43- Mr Edwards, thank you very much. - Thank you, Sally. Thank you.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- It's for the lunchtime bulletin, yeah? - Yeah.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48- Thanks. - Nice to meet you.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Have you not done telly before, pal. You looked a bit nervy.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52I've done a fair bit.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Three Question Times, a couple of Andy Marrs. You?
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Absolutely. There was a table tennis marathon
0:01:57 > 0:02:01in the town hall for Children In Need. I was in the crowd.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04But apparently I had real stage presence.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Well, we've got a long day of interviews, so...
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Good luck with the table tennis.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13He wasn't playing, he was in the crowd.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Bob Servant, independent, standing in the by-election.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- Right. - Can we do a wee chat?
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Local face to thrill the folks back home.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24We just need a few quick shots of the river and then we're done.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Ha! Come with us.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31What did I tell you? Best view in Broughty Ferry. Seeing as you're here,
0:02:31 > 0:02:33we might as well do a wee interview.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Five minutes.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Deal. Standard chat show drill - I tell an anecdote,
0:02:38 > 0:02:41we have a wee laugh, you make fun of me, but in a way that shows you respect me.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Just, you know...the by-election.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Fine. Eyes on the prize.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Oh, can we blur out the extension? I don't want copycats.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- I think you'll be OK. - Well, put it this way,
0:02:52 > 0:02:56if next week some boy in EastEnders has an extension like mine,
0:02:56 > 0:03:00I'll be the guy on the London train wi' a sledgehammer.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Broughty Ferry breakfasts all roond.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- Breakfast? We really don't have time. - Oh...
0:03:05 > 0:03:06have a drink.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07A drink?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Single measures in the morning.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Och, jee...
0:03:12 > 0:03:13It'll be 20 minutes max.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17Just a bit of a diversion, we've got some...nut.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19It's Colin, isn't it?
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Yes.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Tiny little batteries you've got there, Colin.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24I suppose they are, yeah.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28They're like the wee Coca-Cola cans you get on the airplanes.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Right.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38I was over at that Magaluf a couple of year ago, you know?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41People in the hotel banged on about the ham
0:03:41 > 0:03:42and how it tastes different, you know.
0:03:42 > 0:03:47I mean, I just says to them, you know, "What do you expect?"
0:03:50 > 0:03:54I mean, seriously, what do you expect?
0:03:54 > 0:03:55Sorry, are you asking me?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58You know, it's a different country, you know?
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Different ham.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Breakfast is in the post.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Oh, feel free to CGI in something behind me.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16- We'll... - A jungle or something.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- Are we going? - Vine-y.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20So, why are you standing?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Why is Bob Servant standing?
0:04:25 > 0:04:29I see myself like a horse.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I've got a few parasites on me
0:04:31 > 0:04:35and there are a few people wanting to take me for a ride,
0:04:35 > 0:04:37and maybe there are a few
0:04:37 > 0:04:40trying to send me to the glue factory, but I'm still oot there,
0:04:40 > 0:04:45winning the Broughty Ferry Grand National, jumping over the fences,
0:04:45 > 0:04:47- waving at the punters. - Are you the jockey or the horse?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49The horse.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51How would you wave?
0:04:54 > 0:04:55With a tail?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Can we not have other voices off?
0:04:58 > 0:05:02So, in a nutshell, why are you standing in the by-election?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Well, Sally, in a nutshell,
0:05:05 > 0:05:10when I was a young man there was a talent contest in Broughty Ferry.
0:05:10 > 0:05:15You got the usual suspects, you know, the jugglers, the animal noises.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19But there was a little girl who asked if she could sing.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21She was a complete naebody.
0:05:21 > 0:05:28She was nervous and she didn't have what we in Broughty Ferry call star quality.
0:05:28 > 0:05:33But that wee girl opened her mooth and rainbows fell out.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36She nearly took the roof aff the town hall.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41And do you know...?
0:05:41 > 0:05:45Do you know who that little girl was?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48It was...
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- Annie Lennox. - ...Annie Le...
0:05:51 > 0:05:53What's wrong with you?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I'm-I'm sorry, Bob.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00So, in a nutshell, Sally,
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I want to be Annie Lennox.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14So, what's Timmy Mallett like?
0:06:15 > 0:06:19You know, in-in-in real life.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- Can we get going? - Let's just get this cut and sent.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24OK, folks, it's sausage time.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25We really need to go.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30But it's the traditional Broughty Ferry breakfast.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32- The sausage surprise. - What's the surprise?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37I think, just how many sausages there are.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40And this is in the lunchtime bulletin?
0:06:40 > 0:06:41If we can leave, yeah.
0:06:42 > 0:06:47Well, Colin, it's been absolutely terrific to meet you, all right?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49All right.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57On the telly, Bob.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59That's the media sorted, Frank.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Even the boo boys can't argue with TV.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02Let them try.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04You know, Frank, people respect TV.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07I mean, I know it's all changed with celebrity culture
0:07:07 > 0:07:10and everyone wants to have their nipples pierced and get on Crimewatch.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14But there's something magical about TV, Frank.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16And you know why?
0:07:16 > 0:07:21Because no-one really knows how a TV works.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23- Guilty. - Yep.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Once you're on TV, everybody gives you respect.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30KNOCK AT DOOR
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Come in.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Margo, you've got a visitor.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37What the hell have you done?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Hello, Ma.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Don't you "Hello, Ma" me, Robert Servant.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44What's this politics stuff everyone's going on about?
0:07:44 > 0:07:45You'll see in a minute.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Francis, what's he done?
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Mrs Servant, if I may,
0:07:50 > 0:07:55our political campaign is going as successfully as your wonderful cardigan.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Oh, Francis, always the charmer.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01- How are you feeling, Ma? - I'm awful.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Now, where's this girlfriend, or have you scared her off already?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06No, no, no, no, she's still in favour.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08And this one's a pilot?
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- Uh-huh. - Well, where is she?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Up there...somewhere.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19You know, Ma, sometimes I think she loves that plane mair than she loves me.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22But she disnae. She loves me more than the plane.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24It doesn't do a couple good to be apart
0:08:24 > 0:08:26- all the time. - We keep in touch.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30She does that thing where you write messages in the sky.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34I mean, I'll be out for a walk, she'll fly past, beep her horn and write,
0:08:34 > 0:08:37"Oi, Bob, don't you go talking to other women
0:08:37 > 0:08:41"or I'll come down there, land this plane and knock you out."
0:08:41 > 0:08:43She's joking, of course.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45I mean, she's no' a vigilante.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47And how much did you spend on the extension in the end?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Oh, well...
0:08:49 > 0:08:51it was a calculated risk.
0:08:51 > 0:08:56Oh, Robert, you rush into things, you don't think things through.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Oh, really? Oh, really?
0:08:57 > 0:09:02OK. Well, let's see what happened when I rushed into politics, shall we?
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Aye.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- That's Broughty Ferry! - So it is!
0:09:09 > 0:09:11He's handsome.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13TV: Also standing in the by-election is local man...
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- Robert! - ...Bob Servant.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18I see myself like a horse.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19I wanna be Annie Lennox.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21It's sausage time!
0:09:25 > 0:09:29By-election candidate there... Brian Servant.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Now the weather.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32MAN: A very good afternoon to you.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Already seeing showers developing across Scotland...
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Oh, Robert...
0:09:36 > 0:09:38...That said, though, there will be some decent...
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- Where did you meet this pilot, Bob? - Pilot?
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Oh, Frank! We've got bigger concerns than that.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Now, let's assess the damage.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- What can I get you, lads? - A couple of pints, please, Stewpot.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06How's the Annie Lennox thing coming along, then?
0:10:06 > 0:10:07They twisted my words.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Right... Right.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15You did say, "I want to be Annie Lennox," though?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- It was a simile. - Oh!
0:10:18 > 0:10:20OK.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- How's life as a horse? - Simile!
0:10:27 > 0:10:29It's sausage time!
0:10:29 > 0:10:32These googly-eyes as well! Whoo-hoo! And his moustache!
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I know! He looks like a fat walrus. Whoo-oo!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36What a total bell-end.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- I'm under pressure, Frank. - Terrible pressure.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45I feel like that wee boy in Holland wi' his penis in the dam.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- They've made us look stupid. - Particularly you.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Frank, if we lose the media,
0:10:53 > 0:10:55the game's over.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Those people can make or break you.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Look what they've done to asylum seekers.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00Or Cherry Coke.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Oh, it's brutal.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03It's like the chip shops.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Remember, when we started the burger vans,
0:11:05 > 0:11:08and the chip shop people spoke to their friends in the media?
0:11:08 > 0:11:10And it was "health and safety" this, "meat of unclear origin" that.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11I do, yes.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13And then we got the media along
0:11:13 > 0:11:16and you sat down, ate our entire stock in front of them.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Worst day of my life.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Physically, yes.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21But as a business, it set us on our way.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Couldnae feel my hands for three days.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26You see, that's what we need, Frank. We need to strike back.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27I'm no' eating that stuff again, Bob.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Forget about the telly! I'm gonna have a press conference!
0:11:30 > 0:11:34And we'll have it right here!
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- Here? - Perfect place.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39It shows me as someone who's obviously better than other people
0:11:39 > 0:11:40but is happy to pretend he's no'.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Like the time the Queen went on Total Wipeout.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- I'm still no' sure that was her, Bob. - Stewpot!
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Great news!
0:11:55 > 0:11:56Not exactly a full house, Frank.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58It was short notice, Bob.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00But they're all A-list.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Now, you be careful, Frank.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04That lot are like a pack of wolves.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06If I don't win them over...
0:12:06 > 0:12:07they'll listen to my phone calls,
0:12:07 > 0:12:09hack into our tellies,
0:12:09 > 0:12:11and take topless photos of us while we're asleep.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Topless?! From the back?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15From the front.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Service!
0:12:22 > 0:12:23HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:12:23 > 0:12:25This evening...
0:12:25 > 0:12:28I will be sleeping on my front.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39No, no. Don't get up, folks.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Lovely.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Sorry, Stewpot, pal.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00You're in my eye line there.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02It's a bit off-putting. Could you...?
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Bit more, please.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19Bit more!
0:13:25 > 0:13:26That's us!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Right, you lot,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30open your briefcases, take out your fountain pens,
0:13:30 > 0:13:34because I'm gonna give you an exclusive peek through the Bob curtain.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Bill Wood, Broughty Bugle.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39I'm still trying to figure out
0:13:39 > 0:13:43- this whole Annie Lennox situation. - Non-story!
0:13:43 > 0:13:44Fish and chip wrappers.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46- Yes, I know, but... - Look,
0:13:46 > 0:13:47get one thing straight.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48I don't need the media.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52Traditionally, I do my work through whispers,
0:13:52 > 0:13:54but there's nae harm in getting you lot
0:13:54 > 0:13:57to send out what I would call secondary whispers.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00I mean, I know it's unfashionable to say this,
0:14:00 > 0:14:02but I actually trust you lot.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Maggie Johnston, Carnoustie Enquirer.
0:14:05 > 0:14:10What particular behavioural patterns do you feel you share with a horse?
0:14:10 > 0:14:12As I was saying...
0:14:12 > 0:14:14I trust you lot.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16I certainly trust you a lot mair than that telly mob.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19They beg you for an interview then shoot you in the balls.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22So, let's work together here, huh?
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Hmm? I'll gie you some dynamite to sprinkle in your stories,
0:14:26 > 0:14:30and tomorrow, when the readers open their papers...
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Bangity-boom-bang!
0:14:33 > 0:14:35...they'll be blown to smithereens.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Two more pints, please, Stewpot.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40HE SIGHS
0:14:45 > 0:14:48That's me about to pull the trigger on a new bathroom.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51OK...
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Are you a bathroom fan?
0:14:54 > 0:14:55No.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59I tell you, Stewpot...
0:15:00 > 0:15:02...get yoursel' a good bathroom,
0:15:02 > 0:15:04you're halfway there.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09I use mine as a panic room.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14...So if the Zulus had just attacked the compound from one side,
0:15:14 > 0:15:17rather than a pincer movement, it would have been over in minutes...
0:15:17 > 0:15:19and the movie would never have been made.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Does that answer your question?
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Not in any way.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25HE SIGHS
0:15:25 > 0:15:27- Hey, you. - Jimmy Walker,
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Broughty Ferry Bus Fans By-Monthly Newsletter.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Who?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33What is your favourite bus route?
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Number 26 to Fintry.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Best atmosphere in town!
0:15:36 > 0:15:37OK, down to business.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Let's talk politics.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Um...this Annie Lennox act,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- is it a Dame Edna kind of thing? - Listen!
0:15:44 > 0:15:47I admire the woman, she's got the lungs of a dolphin,
0:15:47 > 0:15:49but I don't want to be Annie Lennox.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- That's too much pressure. - Oh, I could handle the pressure.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- Big crowds, long tours? - Aye, you have to remember all the words.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58Look, if I wanted to be Annie Lennox, I could be Annie Lennox! Don't write that down.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01We're mocking up a photo of you as a horse. Any particular colour?
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- Black, white stripe down the nose. - Do you know any funny bus stories?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Thousands. This is ridiculous!
0:16:07 > 0:16:10I'm a serious candidate!
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I mean, you wouldn't treat the Edwards like this, would you?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Your favourite bus story, though.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15HE SIGHS
0:16:15 > 0:16:191994, number 17 to Stobswell. There was a guy on the bus
0:16:19 > 0:16:20looked exactly like Nigel Mansell,
0:16:20 > 0:16:21and I said, "If you were driving the bus,
0:16:21 > 0:16:24"we'd be home before we knew it." Everybody laughed, including the driver.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Look, we're missing the point here!
0:16:27 > 0:16:32You need to tell your readers that that stuff on the telly was nonsense!
0:16:32 > 0:16:34I am a serious candidate!
0:16:34 > 0:16:38Well, so far in your campaign you've announced two firm policies -
0:16:38 > 0:16:41that you would shoot dogs
0:16:41 > 0:16:44and that you want to be Annie Lennox.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47To be blunt, that makes you sound like a bit of a weirdo.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49- A weirdo?! - Look, I'm sorry, Mr Servant,
0:16:49 > 0:16:54but you're running this shambolic campaign with your brother...
0:16:54 > 0:16:56My brother?!
0:16:56 > 0:16:59...and...well, it's frankly very difficult
0:16:59 > 0:17:01- to take anything you say seriously. - Fine!
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Fine. Fine, fine. Don't listen to me.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06I'll take you to meet someone,
0:17:06 > 0:17:09someone who'll tell you about the real Bob Servant
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- straight from the horse's mouth. - Um...
0:17:11 > 0:17:12Not a real horse.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Ma...
0:17:20 > 0:17:21Ma...
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Ma...
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Ma-a-a...
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Hello, Robert.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Oh, for fuck's sake.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43MARGO SIGHS
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Do any of you lot know Colin the cameraman?
0:17:51 > 0:17:53I tell you, a hell of a guy.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55BOB: Right, here we go.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Mrs Servant, what are your thoughts on Bob standing in the by-election?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Well, it's terrible.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05Terrible for the opposition.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09You know, what Mum would say if she wasn't stuffed to the gills with medication...
0:18:09 > 0:18:11I'm not on any medication.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15...is that I was a funny wee caterpillar
0:18:15 > 0:18:18who used to get himself into scrapes,
0:18:18 > 0:18:22but he'd burrow away and, one way or another,
0:18:22 > 0:18:27that funny wee caterpillar turned himself into a very successful swan.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Absolute nonsense!
0:18:30 > 0:18:32- You're nonsense. - Right, then.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35I'll take one question for the wee angel.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36We'll go with yoursel'.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40- Favourite bus route? - 26 to Fintry.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Best atmosphere in town.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Right, folks, that's your lot.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- The wee angel must sleep. - Oh, for Christ's sake!
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Do you think your son can win this by-election?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52- Of course she does. - No!
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- What? - Robert fills his time
0:18:54 > 0:18:56with nonsense like this.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58He's just...lonely.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Lonely?! Anything but.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04Yes, Robert, lonely. I know you've got Francis, your best pal...
0:19:04 > 0:19:08- He's top five. - ...but you get bored, your mind wanders,
0:19:08 > 0:19:10next thing, you come up with something like this.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13So...you're saying what?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16That he's a bit of a show-off?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- I beg your pardon? - Here we go.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Your son - he's clearly an attention-seeker.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25- Don't you speak about Robert like that! - You've poked the bear now.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Who do you think you are?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- I'm... - Don't you dare come in here
0:19:29 > 0:19:31and call Robert names.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33People have been calling him names his whole life!
0:19:33 > 0:19:36He's just a bit...different.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38He always has been.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40He wore a nappy till he was seven.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Insurance.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46And he'd cry if the girls talked to him.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- It was a tactic. - Oh, and the ideas,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- always the ideas. - OK, Mum.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53How he'd swim to Norway
0:19:53 > 0:19:57or invent a hairbrush which shampooed your hair at the same time.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- The foam comb. - Only the other week,
0:19:59 > 0:20:01he thought the FBI were after him.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03I had a new postman. It was very confusing.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Oh, but forget all that.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10If Robert wants to have a shot at the politics
0:20:10 > 0:20:11then why shouldn't he?
0:20:12 > 0:20:14It can't be any dafter than the next thing he'd think of.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- There you go! - And you can't stop
0:20:16 > 0:20:19someone trying the politics just cos he's got a head full of mince.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Now, that's a poster.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25OK, OK, she's getting a bit confused now.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Come on, boys, that's your lot. One photograph.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Let's run wi'...
0:20:30 > 0:20:34"Local man's mum gives him the big thumbs up."
0:20:36 > 0:20:37HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:20:41 > 0:20:43CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Good morning, ladies and gentlemen,
0:20:45 > 0:20:47and welcome to Broughty Ferry
0:20:47 > 0:20:49or, as I like to think of it today,
0:20:49 > 0:20:51the harbour of hope.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Indeed, the port of peace. A great philosopher once said...
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Look at him Frank. Look at him.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00He just thinks he's the new Lenny Henry.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04...And it's children that we're here to talk about.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Do you know what people love, Frank?
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Saucy films?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Saucy films...
0:21:09 > 0:21:10and...?
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Rescues.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17People love rescues.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Even the media can't get enough of them.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Look at Dunkirk.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Or them miners in Chile that got stuck in that cupboard.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26Francis...
0:21:26 > 0:21:30let us give them a rescue.
0:21:30 > 0:21:35...Adam, I look at Adam here, and I think back
0:21:35 > 0:21:36to what I was doing at Adam's age...
0:21:36 > 0:21:40...Sir Alex Ferguson, Bob Paisley
0:21:40 > 0:21:43and a young 12-year-old body builder from Fountainbridge
0:21:43 > 0:21:45called Sean Connery.
0:21:45 > 0:21:50I want these kids to grow up in a Broughty Ferry
0:21:50 > 0:21:52where they feel they can shoot for the moon
0:21:52 > 0:21:54because it's up there
0:21:54 > 0:21:57where these little stars belong.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Sweet Jesus!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04How the hell did he get up there?!
0:22:05 > 0:22:06GASPING
0:22:13 > 0:22:15We've got a jumper!
0:22:15 > 0:22:19Right, folks, right. We've got a bit of a Chernobyl on our hands,
0:22:19 > 0:22:21but with a wee bit of magic
0:22:21 > 0:22:24I can turn this into a good-news story.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26- We'd better call the police. - Oh, no, no, no.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27I'll talk him down.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29He won't hear you.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Right.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Right.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Oh...
0:22:33 > 0:22:34I wonder...
0:22:37 > 0:22:38...if this might help.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44A big hello to the man on the roof!
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Good afternoon, everybody.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51My name is Trevor
0:22:51 > 0:22:54and I am terrifically sad.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Textbook jumper talk.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57We don't know that.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00I feel like jumping off this castle
0:23:00 > 0:23:04and smashing myself to smithereens.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Carry on, Trevor.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09My name is Trevor
0:23:09 > 0:23:10and I am sad
0:23:10 > 0:23:14because of the whole situation.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17I am the saddest man in Broughty Ferry.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20My life is like a black hole
0:23:20 > 0:23:25that goes all the way down to Australia.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Could you tell us your surname, please, Trevor?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31I don't think Trevor knows his surname.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32How would he not know his surname?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Oh, fine, fine.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Trevor!
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Can you tell us your surname?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Er...
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Colin.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
0:23:45 > 0:23:48My name is Trevor Colin.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50Happy now?
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Well, Trevor, I don't know if I can help you.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58I'm just an independent candidate
0:23:58 > 0:24:02trying to do my best for Broughty Ferry.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06You seem to be someone who will stand up for the little guy...
0:24:06 > 0:24:08and also the big guy,
0:24:08 > 0:24:13because it's ridiculous to say that little guys
0:24:13 > 0:24:15deserve all the breaks.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20Spot-on! You're spot-on there, Trevor.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Now I think it's time we got you down.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Now, Trevor, it's reasonably important
0:24:27 > 0:24:30that you land quite close to the X.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34You know, Trevor, we all get sad...
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Hey! Hey! What's your game?
0:24:36 > 0:24:39...and do you ever get the feeling, Trevor,
0:24:39 > 0:24:42that the whole world knows something you don't
0:24:42 > 0:24:45and you're just a silly little cog in a big machine?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48I do, Mr Edwards, yes.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Ignore him, please, Trevor!
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Have you ever wondered, Trevor,
0:24:53 > 0:24:55if you've made the wrong decisions in life
0:24:55 > 0:24:58and that it's too late to change them?
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Um...most mornings
0:25:01 > 0:25:03- and every night-time. - Hey!
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Hey, I'm talking him down.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Mm-hm. Trevor, I know what it's like
0:25:08 > 0:25:11to feel like you're not in control of your life...
0:25:12 > 0:25:14...but you know what, Trevor?
0:25:14 > 0:25:15You're in control now.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19- Look at all these people down here. - No, Trevor!
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Don't look!
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Ohh!
0:25:24 > 0:25:26There's thousands of you.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30- Hang on, is that...? - That's his brother.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32He's not my brother!
0:25:32 > 0:25:34It's his campaign manager.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36It could be a lookalike.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40That's a fitting end to your...idiotic campaign.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45All right, all right.
0:25:45 > 0:25:50All right, folks. All right. Let's go with, "Bob Servant in an almost-rescue."
0:25:53 > 0:25:57"Bob does his best. That's all anyone can ask."
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Ooh!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07"Hassle at the castle!"
0:26:07 > 0:26:14# Why... #
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Bob!
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Bob!
0:26:23 > 0:26:27I've got the most awful pins and needles.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31# ...I may be mad, I may be blind
0:26:31 > 0:26:34- # I may be viciously unkind... # - Dead as a dodo.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Bob!
0:26:35 > 0:26:41# ...But I can still read what you're thinking
0:26:42 > 0:26:45# Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh
0:26:50 > 0:26:52# And I've heard it said too many times
0:26:52 > 0:26:55# That you'd be better off Besides... #
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Hello, Colin?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00It's... It's Frank, from this morning.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05No, no, no. You didn't... You didn't leave anything.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07No, no. I-I... I was... I was just wondering, but...
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Och, look, it's...it's probably daft,
0:27:10 > 0:27:16but, er, the Broughty Bugle are running a bus trip to Alton Towers
0:27:16 > 0:27:19and I was, you know, I was just wondering if you'd like to join me.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22She could come too.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Well, look...
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Yep, OK. Listen, not to bother.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Listen, I've... I've got my swimming lessons anyway.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32OK.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Yep. I'll see you later, pal. Bye.
0:27:35 > 0:27:36Bye.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40#...Why
0:27:40 > 0:27:42# I don't think you know what I feel
0:27:47 > 0:27:50# You don't know what I feel... #