0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language
0:00:06 > 0:00:09- I always thought the heart would be bigger. - Hearts vary hugely in size, Frank.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11And who had the smallest?
0:00:11 > 0:00:14Well, I would say it's probably a toss-up between Hitler
0:00:14 > 0:00:17and whoever stole my golf clubs.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Ah, Mr Servant.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Aye.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28How did things work out with the extra leg?
0:00:28 > 0:00:30In the end, it wasn't actually an extra leg.
0:00:30 > 0:00:31Really?
0:00:31 > 0:00:33HE LAUGHS
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Was it, as I told you repeatedly, a reducible hernia?
0:00:37 > 0:00:38I think we were both right.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40What can I do for you?
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Tonight is the by-election debate,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45a big show, live audience, talk of the town,
0:00:45 > 0:00:47blah, blah, blah, blah.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50I need a little something.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52A little something?
0:00:52 > 0:00:54- Francis. - Thanks, Bob.
0:00:54 > 0:00:59Yes, we require a pill or a potion
0:00:59 > 0:01:05that will make Bob's eyes twinkle like pricey diamonds,
0:01:05 > 0:01:10make his hair look like he washed it in a Caribbean waterfall,
0:01:10 > 0:01:12and that will make his voice go very deep
0:01:12 > 0:01:16so he sounds like the man who tells you about other films,
0:01:16 > 0:01:20you know, when you go to watch the films.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24The debate's in two hours.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Hey, Georgie!
0:01:51 > 0:01:53The problem wi' doctors, Frank,
0:01:53 > 0:01:56is they keep the best stuff to themselves.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Have you ever been to a doctor's party?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01- No. - Neither have I.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03I bet they're brilliant.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Oh, here we go.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Atletico Bell-end.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09So, you all set for the big debate?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Oh, is that tonight?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Yeah, we're just throwing in a quick five-miler, you know. Clear the head.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Five miles? I do that in my slippers.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17You're a runner?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- I ran to Aberdeen once. - You ran to Aberdeen(?)
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Sprinted. There was rumours of a closing-down sale.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24- OK. - Unfounded.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Well, I look forward to sparring with you later.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29I see!
0:02:29 > 0:02:32That'll be like the lambs voting for Christmas.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Turkeys.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34- You said lambs.- Turkeys.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- It was lambs.- Turkeys.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38It sounded like lambs over here, Bob.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Et tu, Bruno?
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Look how strong he is, Bob.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Oh, Frank, that's just gym strength.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Out in the real world you need what is known as street strength.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01OK, OK, that guy can lift dumbbells,
0:03:01 > 0:03:04but can he shake trees to get down scared cats?
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Probably.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08You see, that is what they call street strength.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09I believe you are looking at joining?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Not so much joining, just a wee kind of boost.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Are you not the guy we caught trying to steal tennis rackets?
0:03:14 > 0:03:18I wasn't thinking straight, somebody stole my golf clubs, I just lashed out.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- Right. - Anyway, pal,
0:03:20 > 0:03:22tonight is the big by-election debate
0:03:22 > 0:03:24and I am looking to get some work done.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- What kind of work? - Thank you, Bob.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28CLEARS THROAT
0:03:28 > 0:03:33Right, Bob's arms and legs speak for themselves,
0:03:33 > 0:03:36but can you have a wee look at his stomach?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39There is no major cause for concern
0:03:39 > 0:03:42but you might as well take an inch aff for a laugh.
0:03:42 > 0:03:48Also, there would be no harm in giving the thighs a wee tighten,
0:03:48 > 0:03:50- and taking ten years... - Five years.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Er, five years aff his cheekbones.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56When were you hoping to see results?
0:03:58 > 0:03:59We've got an hour and a half.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03- Minus travel time. - And we still need to have our tea.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Forget the physical preparation, Frank.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Mental preparation, that's the game.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12And it all starts with this -
0:04:12 > 0:04:14brain food.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Bob, we should probably go over some policies.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Aw, debate is not about policies, Frank.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20- No? - Oh, quite the opposite,
0:04:20 > 0:04:23quite the opposite. Look at the great debaters -
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Churchill, Thatcher, Anneka Rice.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Those people thought on their feet. Lived aff their wits.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Is that our plan, to live aff our wits?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Stand up.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39Right, I am going to hit Edwards with a wee one-two.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Do you remember when you said I didn't know how to Derren Brown someone,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- and I Derren Brown-ed you? - Yes, yes,
0:04:48 > 0:04:50you made me think I was a robot.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Well, I've got a wee Derren Brown just for Edwards.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Secondly, start talking.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57About what?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Anything.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Talk about who you are.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03OK. Um...
0:05:03 > 0:05:06my name is Frank and I am...
0:05:06 > 0:05:08campaign manager...
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Carry on.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Um...
0:05:11 > 0:05:15I'm campaign manager f-f-for...
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Bob and I...
0:05:19 > 0:05:21I...
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I'm sorry, Bob, I can't do it.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25You see?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29I call that one "up close and personal".
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Well, it's bloody dynamite.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32Works well with plumbers.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Right, let's get going.
0:05:34 > 0:05:40Call the taxi for the town hall, I'll go and dig out...the shirt.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44It's not at the town hall, Bob.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46The debate's in Dundee.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I beg your pardon?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53I've got to hand it to Edwards, Frank.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54He's a clever bastard.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57They've looked at this situation and thought,
0:05:57 > 0:05:58"Right, Bob's a Broughty Ferry man.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01"Get him in front of a Broughty Ferry audience,
0:06:01 > 0:06:04"it will be absolute Beatlemania.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07"No, let's tak' him to Dundee, shake him up a bit."
0:06:07 > 0:06:09They said there was nowhere big enough round about here.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Oh, really? How convenient.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Well, there's not.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16A Dundee crowd, Frank.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17That changes everything.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20They're still Scottish, Bob.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24I mean...you can always play the Braveheart card.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27I will not play the Braveheart card, Frank.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31It's a cheap move and I don't need it.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34I'll beat Edwards and the rest mano-a-o-mano.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Bob...
0:06:36 > 0:06:41Edwards is younger, and may I say, a proper politician.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45And may I say, a bit of a dish.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49But, I mean, he couldn't beat the Braveheart card, Bob.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51No-one can.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Francis, go and stand over there till the bus comes.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56- But, Bob... - Over there!
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Do you think this is where they make Top Of The Pops?
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Oh, who cares?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24I'm not impressed by this lot, Frank.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28The BBC are a bunch of crooks, making us pay our licence fee
0:07:28 > 0:07:30just so they can eat strawberry sandwiches at Wimbledon.
0:07:30 > 0:07:35And Attenborough can go and build himself a big hoose at the North Pole.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37It's an absolute swindle.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40I support the satellite mob, they don't take themselves too seriously
0:07:40 > 0:07:42and it doesn't cost you a penny...
0:07:42 > 0:07:43once you've got the box, had it installed,
0:07:43 > 0:07:47paid the subscription and removed the parental lock.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50Mr Servant.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Don't be ridiculous.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59So what, are we talking BBC One?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01No, it's not on television.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Well, this was a waste of time.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06It's on Radio Scotland.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Radio Scotland?
0:08:08 > 0:08:09That's for drunks.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- Aye, or fishermen. - Or both.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Did I see you on Scotland At One?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- No, no, no. - Absolutely not.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Quite the reverse.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Oh, my good God!
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Cool, Frank, keep cool.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29It's like being in a spaceship.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31- Excuse me? - Yes?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Can we get this raised a little? He doesn't want to hit it with his hands.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35- No problem. - EDWARDS:- Is this my radio tie?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37- Yes. - Good.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39And a glass of water would be good as well.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Something Scottish, not Irish or Welsh.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- That would be great, thank you. - Water, thank you.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Hello, hello, producer hen.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Um, I'll take this one.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51OK.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53But, er, could I have a few tweaks as well?
0:08:53 > 0:08:54- Tweaks?- Mm-hm,
0:08:54 > 0:08:56could you make it see-through?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59I don't want any stupid rumours about me not having any legs.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Yeah...
0:09:01 > 0:09:02can I get you guys to the green room?
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Can I get you anything?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Is it aeroplane prices?
0:09:12 > 0:09:13All food and drink is complimentary.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Well, er, could I have a ham sandwich?
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Absolutely. Anything else?
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Oh, um, may I trouble you for a cold lemonade?
0:09:24 > 0:09:25No problem.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Who are these two, Frank?
0:09:28 > 0:09:29He's the socialist candidate.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32- Mm-hm. - And she's an environmental person.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- Ah.- Lovely hair.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Oh, forget about them, Frank, wannabes.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Local show-offs that dinnae ken the first thing about politics.
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Oh, here we go, Frank.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Ah, tonight is about me and him.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48We are the big guns.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50I tell you, Frank, when me and him have a go at each other,
0:09:50 > 0:09:53it is going to make Vietnam look like Crufts.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Oh, thanking you kindly.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Just ignore him.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Hey, Bob, do you think this is what it's like at the Oscars?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07No.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21So, the BBC.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24This must be quite an exciting little expedition for you two.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26I prefer ITV2...
0:10:27 > 0:10:28...Plus 1.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31The people's channel.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33DOOR OPENS
0:10:35 > 0:10:38OK, I think you all know today's moderator.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39- Anders! ANDERS:- Evening, everyone.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Round two for us, is it, Anders?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43I suppose so.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Uh-huh, "Fumble In The Jungle".
0:10:45 > 0:10:47OK, so boring stuff first, folks.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- FRANK:- Could I have a hot coffee, please?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52And a selection of edible biscuits?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- ANDERS:- So...let's chat debate.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01I want to start by banging out agreement on question order.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02No chance.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06- What? - We don't negotiate with terrorists.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08As you'll have noticed, due to the guidelines
0:11:08 > 0:11:11we have to invite all candidates this evening.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15That's a wee bit sexist, Anders.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19As it is a broader debate, I'm happy to be a little bit flexible on subject matter,
0:11:19 > 0:11:23but any hot po-tatties we need to be throwing out of the kitchen?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25No, no hot po-tatties.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- We won't talk about gay marriage. - Apart from that...
0:11:27 > 0:11:29- po-tattie. - Yeah, that's a deal breaker.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32And I won't talk about former lovers. It's not fair for them.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35I would sincerely hope that's a given.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37And I am not giving in to the whole argument about,
0:11:37 > 0:11:40should small guys be allowed to use extra long snooker cues?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Brings out the fanatics.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44The poo-in-the-post brigade.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Aye, and that's a deal breaker.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48We can cope with that.
0:11:48 > 0:11:53Right then, folks, I will see you shortly to, er, crank out some politics.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55I presume there's a full ban on magic tricks?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57- Yep.- Good.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- FRANK:- Ah, coffee looks fine.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05And the biscuits are...
0:12:09 > 0:12:10..perfect.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Why don't I have any notes, Frank?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- You said we didn't need any. - No, I didn't.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28You said we'd live aff our wits. Like Anneka Rice.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Right.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Time to play my first ace.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39No, we definitely won't be doing that.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41I want you to maintain that air of confidence at all times.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43OK, there?
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Yes.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Good. Good.
0:12:47 > 0:12:52Tell me, have you been to the toilet?
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Yes.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Ah, great.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59I just hope, when we're out there,
0:12:59 > 0:13:03debating away like panthers,
0:13:03 > 0:13:07you don't suddenly find yourself needing to go...
0:13:11 > 0:13:13- ..to the toilet.- Right.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20That's all I hope.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24He's Derren Brown and you're...
0:13:24 > 0:13:25Don't tell him!
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Are you OK? You seem a bit nervous.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Me? Nervous?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- Extremely.- Very edgy.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Haud these.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37I've only been nervous three times in my life.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- OK. - The day I was born,
0:13:39 > 0:13:40when I first used a SodaStream
0:13:40 > 0:13:43and that time I thought I saw Fred West in Argos.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47And there won't be a fourth.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49DOOR OPENS
0:13:49 > 0:13:50Hello?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Ten minutes, please, folks.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Have you been to the toilet?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03- May I have a lemon sorbet? - Piss off.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Look at all the people, Bob.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14They look like ants.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Everything OK, Bob?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Oh, we're OK, Frank.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22We should be absolutely OK.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Have you got, you know,
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- some ideas? - Ideas, Frank?
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Hunners.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28Hunners.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30And yourself?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Have you got any bright ideas going spare?
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Bob, you don't want to hear any of my ideas.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Oh, I actually do, Frank.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39I really, really do.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42You're kind of putting me on the spot here, Bob.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44We're all on the spot, Frank.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46I'm on the biggest fucking spot in town.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Bob, I think perhaps it would help if,
0:14:49 > 0:14:54maybe you should think about considering calming down just a little bit.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58One idea, Frank, just one to get things started.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59Er...
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Free wellies?
0:15:04 > 0:15:05What with?
0:15:07 > 0:15:08Er...
0:15:08 > 0:15:10MOTs?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Jesus Christ.
0:15:14 > 0:15:15- ANDERS:- Two minutes, guys.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17I'll introduce you individually.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20- Ha-ha! - APPLAUSE
0:15:20 > 0:15:22- CHIRPY VOICE:- Thank you, thank you.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Thank you, thank you, thank you.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and please welcome to the studio >
0:15:27 > 0:15:31the first by-election candidate, it's Mr Nick Edwards! >
0:15:31 > 0:15:35APPLAUSE
0:15:35 > 0:15:39Frank, go and tell the DJ to give us the biggest party tune he's got.
0:15:39 > 0:15:44- I want well-managed hysteria. FRANK:- I've got it.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48- ANDERS:- And from the Environmental Party, it's Susan Blackburn!
0:15:48 > 0:15:49APPLAUSE
0:15:49 > 0:15:52That's £20 cash.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- ANDERS, DOUR VOICE: - ..The final candidate, who we are duty bound
0:15:56 > 0:15:58to have with us this evening is independent candidate,
0:15:58 > 0:16:00it's Mr Bob Servant.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02MUSIC: "Heavy" by Chase & Status feat Dizzee Rascal
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Well, hello, hello!
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Thank you, thank you for coming.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Great to see you all.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20MUSIC CONTINUES
0:16:22 > 0:16:23A very exciting night.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- Mr Servant. - The clash of the...
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Oh-ho.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31The business of show.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37We offered targeted support across society.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Investment in factories.
0:16:40 > 0:16:41BOB: Good, honest men.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43- Investment in primary schools. - Ditto.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47And a society that can be judged on how it treats
0:16:47 > 0:16:50those for whom every day is a struggle.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- Milkmen?- Anders.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Lots to chew on there, folks.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00Mr Edwards, fire your first bullets.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02- FRANK:- That's your one up now.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Tax, health,
0:17:04 > 0:17:06education, local business -
0:17:06 > 0:17:08that's my DNA.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09That's my handprint.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- Only a handprint?- Sorry?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13I go a hell of a lot deeper than a handprint, pal.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- A hell of a lot deeper. - Mr Servant,
0:17:16 > 0:17:18you cannot interrupt opening comments.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21No, actually, Anders, I'm intrigued.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24What exactly do you mean by "deeper than a handprint"?
0:17:24 > 0:17:28I'll tell you. Put it this way, if one of this mob was to come over here
0:17:28 > 0:17:30and split me open with an axe,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33take out my heart, cut it open with a penknife
0:17:33 > 0:17:37and inside there would be a key and that key would open a box.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40And inside that box there'd be a note.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43And that note would say, "Vote Bob Servant."
0:17:43 > 0:17:44- LAUGHTER - But he'd be dead.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47They'd patch me back together.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53- BLACKBURN:- An investment in public transport is an investment in the environment.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56I will push for direct trains to London.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Let me trump you there.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00I'll push for direct trains to Ireland.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Guys. Guys, guys, guys, I'm hearing a lot about investment here.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08But I'm asking, where is that money coming from?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- The EU? - I certainly hope not, Anders.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13I think I'm on record as saying that the EU has to take
0:18:13 > 0:18:16some responsibility for the problems that we face today.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19APPLAUSE
0:18:20 > 0:18:23You know, people say the EU is all straight bananas
0:18:23 > 0:18:26and having to wear crash helmets to cut the grass.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27But don't forget about the good things they've done.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- Such as? - Pulling down the Berlin Wall.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Getting rid of pesetas.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34And making Bucks Fizz rip aff their skirts.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Come on, folks, let's give them a chance.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44HE TAPS THE MICROPHONE Is this thing on?
0:18:46 > 0:18:47As long as the bankers are OK
0:18:47 > 0:18:50then that's all that seems to matter to this Government.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53That is just a tired old cliche.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56He is spot-on.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Bankers are arrogant.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59They are arrogant.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03There's this guy works for the Abbey National in Brook Street
0:19:03 > 0:19:07and he thinks he is bloody God's gift to women because he rides a motorbike.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08You're spot-on!
0:19:08 > 0:19:12- How is this relevant? - Because he parks it right outside
0:19:12 > 0:19:13like he owns the place.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17In the last ten minutes of every day, he walks around
0:19:17 > 0:19:19with all the gear on like he is Evel Knievel.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21He's a bloody poser!
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Could we please talk about subjects that actually affect people's lives?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26That affects my life every Friday.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29OK, um, Susan, the floor is yours.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Why don't you just chop us out some policies?
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- Well, the Human Rights Act. - Oh, here we go.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37This Government are clearly intending to dilute it.
0:19:37 > 0:19:42The trouble with the Human Rights Act is, where does it end?
0:19:42 > 0:19:46I mean, of course, of course you shouldn't be allowed to harm humans.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48But does that apply to animals?
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Or children?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52I mean, you've got to draw the line somewhere.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56- FRANK:- You know, this is all off-the-cuff.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Really(?)
0:19:57 > 0:20:01- ANDERS:- Let me just take this opportunity to drag it back to local issues.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Well, I'm the man for that. Unlike these three, I'm a Broughty Ferry man.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05What difference does that actually make?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08I'll tell you what difference that makes.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12The difference it makes is that my policies...
0:20:14 > 0:20:19My policies...are the best.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24OK. OK, well, why don't you plate us up one policy?
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Well, I will. I will.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27OK, here goes.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28Er...
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Er, not free wellies.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- Free wellies? - Not free wellies!
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I mean, I don't even know why I'm mentioning the wellies.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39I mean, I've got better stuff than that, but it's just that,
0:20:39 > 0:20:41I've got wellies on the brain. Someone...
0:20:41 > 0:20:46Someone put the idea of free wellies in my head and now I can't get rid of them.
0:20:46 > 0:20:51All I can see now, you know, is just wellies, you know, wellies, wellies,
0:20:51 > 0:20:52wellies.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Wellies.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Wellies.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Let's vox some pops.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04You!
0:21:04 > 0:21:07What are the candidates' positions on crime?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Largely against it.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Crime is a cancer in Broughty Ferry.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- AUDIENCE:- Hear, hear!
0:21:14 > 0:21:19And, if elected, I will work tirelessly, tirelessly, with the police
0:21:19 > 0:21:23and local community groups, to cut this cancer out of our lives for ever.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Thank you very much.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26APPLAUSE
0:21:27 > 0:21:29How does that get a clap?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- Ask it! - Do you support gay marriage?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34- BLACKBURN:- Absolutely. - Of course.
0:21:34 > 0:21:39200%. I always say, when you look at what men have to go through with women,
0:21:39 > 0:21:43if some of those brave men one day should turn round and decide,
0:21:43 > 0:21:46"That's it, I've just had it with the skirt.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49"I'm going to hang about with other men and have a laugh, and maybe,
0:21:49 > 0:21:53"maybe every so often, after one or two many drinks, we'll have a quick cuddle,"
0:21:53 > 0:21:57well, then, for me, that's absolutely just about fine.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58And lesbians?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01An urban myth. AUDIENCE MURMUR DISAGREEMENT
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Not too popular with the audience there.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Oh, forget that lot.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06- AUDIENCE:- Boo!
0:22:06 > 0:22:09We shouldn't be talking to this mob anyway, they're not Broughty Ferry folk.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Bob, the entire audience are Broughty Ferry voters.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15All right, all right. Hands up all those from Broughty Ferry.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Bollocks.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23Moving on, Mr Edwards, gay marriage?
0:22:23 > 0:22:28What I want to say is this, it doesn't matter who is getting married,
0:22:28 > 0:22:31you won't find a more beautiful place to do it than Broughty Ferry.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33- AUDIENCE:- Aw! - Now, Anders,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36I would like to talk about business. I want Broughty Ferry
0:22:36 > 0:22:39to be a beacon of industry,
0:22:39 > 0:22:43a diamond, if you will, in the recession's rough.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45APPLAUSE
0:22:45 > 0:22:50Mrs Edwards, your husband is about to get egg all over his lovely face.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52But business...
0:22:52 > 0:22:54But business has to be born.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56It has to be...
0:22:57 > 0:22:59..created.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02And I want Broughty Ferry to be a maternity ward
0:23:02 > 0:23:07full...of beautiful...
0:23:07 > 0:23:08business...
0:23:08 > 0:23:09babies.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Mr Servant.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16A vote for Nick Edwards is a vote...
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- for prosperity.- Bob.
0:23:19 > 0:23:25Well, ladies and gentlemen, it would seem like I have an admirer.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26LAUGHTER
0:23:26 > 0:23:31Still, the New Statesman did say that I had a certain magnetic quality.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34So, er...back to selling cheeseburgers, I think.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36LAUGHTER
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Is that a laughter track?
0:23:38 > 0:23:39No.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41As I was saying, ladies and gentlemen,
0:23:41 > 0:23:45- I know the value of employment. - That was like watching someone drown.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48A vote for Nick Edwards is a vote for business.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50APPLAUSE
0:23:51 > 0:23:54I know what it is to be employed,
0:23:54 > 0:23:55I was brought up in a very...
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- FRANK:- (Bob!) - ..humble townhouse in Shropshire.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01(Bob!)
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- (Braveheart!) - ..A non-executive director
0:24:04 > 0:24:06on a series of FTSE 250 companies...
0:24:06 > 0:24:10- And what about Scotland? - Sorry?
0:24:10 > 0:24:14You are all standing there with your policies, your notes and your lovely hair,
0:24:14 > 0:24:15and there's a question that keeps
0:24:15 > 0:24:17going round and round in my head like a trapped parrot -
0:24:17 > 0:24:19what's Scotland getting out of this?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21My party has always supported self...
0:24:21 > 0:24:25I'm not talking about policies, pal, I'm talking about the people. Us.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27The oppressed.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Always have been and always will be.
0:24:30 > 0:24:31We're like the Red Indians.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33How exactly are you oppressed?
0:24:33 > 0:24:34OK, OK.
0:24:34 > 0:24:39Answer me this, how come Cilla Black got that Blind Date job and not Lulu?
0:24:39 > 0:24:42- MURMURS OF AGREEMENT - Did Lulu apply?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44She shouldn't have to apply.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45- AUDIENCE:- Hear, hear!
0:24:45 > 0:24:50And why were The Krankies not invited to play at Band Aid?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Oh, but can The Krankies sing, is the question?!
0:24:52 > 0:24:53AUDIENCE GASPS
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Can they sing?!
0:24:56 > 0:25:01And why, why when you divided up Britain, did you give us the top bit?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- Exactly! - That clearly wasn't our decision.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Oh, I bet you had a right laugh at that one, didn't you?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Sitting down there, drinking your pina coladas.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13While we're up here freezing our balls off.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15Well, I'll tell you, pal.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17I'll tell you what England's like.
0:25:17 > 0:25:24England is like a big brother who borrows your snazziest shoes, goes ten pin bowling,
0:25:24 > 0:25:26forgets to change his shoes back,
0:25:26 > 0:25:29comes home with the ten pin bowling shoes and says,
0:25:29 > 0:25:34"Oh, well, it looks as if you'd better become a ten pin bowling fan
0:25:34 > 0:25:36"whether you like it or not."
0:25:36 > 0:25:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Well, here's the headlines, Mr Edwards.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44We don't want to be ten pin bowlers, do we?
0:25:44 > 0:25:45- AUDIENCE:- No!
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Ladies and gentlemen of Broughty Ferry, let's send England a message
0:25:48 > 0:25:49they'll never forget.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Let's tell them that they can forget their cricket,
0:25:52 > 0:25:54their fajitas and their Roger Moore.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57We'll have the football, the cheeseburgers
0:25:57 > 0:26:02and Sean Connery coming oot from under the water in his tiny little bikini.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04CHEERING
0:26:04 > 0:26:07So, Mr Edwards, you go back down there
0:26:07 > 0:26:10and you tell the Prime Minister that we've had enough.
0:26:10 > 0:26:11APPLAUSE
0:26:11 > 0:26:15Tell him that the people of Broughty Ferry will not be pushed around any more.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19Tell him, tell him, tell him that when the people of Broughty Ferry want to go
0:26:19 > 0:26:22to the toilet, they will go to the toilet any time they want.
0:26:24 > 0:26:29And tell him, tell him, tell him to give us back the Falklands!
0:26:29 > 0:26:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:33 > 0:26:37MUSIC: Theme from "Superman"
0:26:45 > 0:26:48# Let's think about livin'
0:26:48 > 0:26:50# Let's think about lovin'
0:26:50 > 0:26:52# Let's think about the whoopin' and the hoppin' and the boppin'
0:26:52 > 0:26:54# And the lovie, lovie dovin'
0:26:55 > 0:26:58# Let's forget about the whinin' and the cryin' and the shootin' and the dyin'
0:26:58 > 0:27:01# And the fellow with a switchblade knife... #
0:27:01 > 0:27:03CHEERING
0:27:03 > 0:27:05# ..Let's think about lovin'
0:27:05 > 0:27:08# Let's think about the whoopin' and the hoppin' and the boppin'
0:27:08 > 0:27:10# And the lovie, lovie dovin'
0:27:10 > 0:27:13# Let's forget about the whinin' and the cryin' and the shootin' and the dyin'... #
0:27:13 > 0:27:15CHEERING
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Oh, Beatlemania, Frank!
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Beatle-fucking-mania!
0:27:20 > 0:27:24# ...Let's think about living Let's think about life
0:27:24 > 0:27:30# Let's think about living Let's think about life
0:27:30 > 0:27:34# Let's think about living Let's think about life
0:27:34 > 0:27:36# Let's think about living... #