0:00:02 > 0:00:05MUSIC: " The Tears Of A Clown" by Smokey Robinson & The Miracles
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# Now if there's a smile on my face
0:00:18 > 0:00:22# It's only there trying to fool the public
0:00:22 > 0:00:26# But when it comes down to fooling you
0:00:26 > 0:00:29# Now, honey, that's quite a different subject
0:00:29 > 0:00:33# But don't let my glad expression
0:00:33 > 0:00:35# Give you the wrong impre... #
0:00:35 > 0:00:37SONG ENDS ABRUPTLY
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Have you invited everyone from work?
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Yep.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45What about champagne? Have you got champagne?
0:00:45 > 0:00:48I want a bit of sophistication, a bit of class.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52We don't need champagne. We've got cava.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Cava's fine for that lot.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56You ARE going to be nice to everyone, aren't you, Alan?
0:00:56 > 0:00:57Joyce, this is your retirement party,
0:00:57 > 0:00:59I want everyone to feel welcome.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10I'm just not keen on having it at home, that's all.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13You can't ever really relax when you're throwing a party.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Yeah, but you're not throwing it, Joyce -
0:01:15 > 0:01:17I am, and it'll be fantastic, I promise.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19What I really wanted
0:01:19 > 0:01:22was a very tasteful surprise party at a country hotel.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Sandra, when she retired from the police...
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Here we go.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29..she had a themed famous detectives party at the Marriott.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Marquee, swing band,
0:01:32 > 0:01:33chocolate fountain,
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Hercule Poirot serving all the champagne cocktails.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39It had a bit of class, a bit of tastefulness,
0:01:39 > 0:01:40a bit of sophistication.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Yeah, but you don't have to spend that kind of money to be classy, Joyce.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46I promise you I will transform our house
0:01:46 > 0:01:50into your very own, special country hotel, just for the day.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Ah, where would I find
0:01:54 > 0:01:56a patio heater and some heavy-duty plastic sheeting?
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Hi!
0:02:01 > 0:02:02- Hi.- Hi.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Oh, you didn't all need to come.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06It's Saturday morning, Joy. What else are we going to do?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08If Maureen doesn't get her garden centre fix of a Saturday
0:02:08 > 0:02:10she goes into withdrawal.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Which one for the front porch?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16I can't decide. I've literally fallen in love with them both.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- We like the coffee in here, don't we?- Yeah.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Best cappuccino vanilla shake in Thurnemouth.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Certainly is.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Actually, it's the only cappuccino vanilla shake in Thurnemouth.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33All set for tomorrow? Got your party head on?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- I think so.- It's a big day for Joyce. End of a working life.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39That's the last time she'll ever make any money. You want to make sure it goes with a bang.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40I'll do my best.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43And you're not on your own, remember that.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- We're all on hand to chip in. - Thanks, I appreciate that.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Joyce has been a rock for us all over the years,
0:02:48 > 0:02:49and we're going to do everything we can
0:02:49 > 0:02:52to make tomorrow a day she'll remember for ever.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Maureen's bringing crisps.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59BIRDSONG
0:02:59 > 0:03:00How was London?
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Oh, it was lovely. Really nice to catch up with Jackie.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06We had a fantastic lunch in Covent Garden.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Sounds upmarket.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11No, it was smart, but not over the top.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Being from London I'm not fazed by these places -
0:03:14 > 0:03:15I'm used to a bit of glam.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Are we going to get a bit of glam at yours tomorrow, Joyce?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Wouldn't get your hopes up. Alan's organising it.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23It's not going to be a big do anyway.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26There's been a few retirement parties got out of hand recently.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28I'm not going down that road.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Barbara Wait had to have her living room carpet steam-cleaned
0:03:31 > 0:03:35after hers, and she said her toilet was awash with urine.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Men get worse as they get older, don't they?
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Have you tried a ping-pong ball? You know, in the pan?
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Give them something to aim at.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45It worked for John.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48I don't think Alan could hit a ping-pong ball.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Trevor would struggle to hit a table.
0:03:54 > 0:03:55How's the video tribute going?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58It's all done. I've got this new camera.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Does all the editing for you. It's amazing!
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Well, cost a bob or two, mind,
0:04:02 > 0:04:04but you never regret money well spent, do you?
0:04:04 > 0:04:08- How much do I owe you? - No, no, put it away. - OK.- This is on me, for Joyce.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Now, I've kept it light. I mean, I can't stand it
0:04:10 > 0:04:13when people get all soppy over those things, you know.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16It's like a birthday card. You want a funny one or a syrupy one.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Did you ever get one of those cards, right, which says,
0:04:19 > 0:04:21"For that someone extra special on their birthday"?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Nine times out of ten, the person who's sent it is a pillock.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Did I tell you I've taken up cycling?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29150 minutes a week. That's all you need.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- I'm going to get this one. - I wouldn't.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- What's wrong with it?- Well, it's no good. It's the cheapest.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36You get what you pay for, see.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38You only get one retirement party.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Do you want Joyce's to be remembered
0:04:40 > 0:04:42as the one where all the guests caught hypothermia and died?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46It's happened before.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Now, we don't want you to worry about catering tomorrow,
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- do we, Maureen?- No.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52We're taking over the kitchen.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55So you can concentrate on letting your hair down.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- I'm doing nem nuong. - Nem nuong. Vietnamese.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Very cosmopolitan.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01I'm doing an Asian fusion course at the U3A.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03You want to go online and check them out.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05You can do all sorts of things.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Very interesting courses.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- Really, Carol, you don't need to...- Joyce,
0:05:09 > 0:05:12it's all taken care of. We don't want to hear any more about it.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Yeah, but nong numong...
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- Nem nuong.- Yeah.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18That sounds like it might be tricky.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Joyce, you want a bit of sophistication, don't you?
0:05:21 > 0:05:24A little bit of cosmopolitaneity.
0:05:24 > 0:05:29I agree. I mean, I think we're very sophisticated up here.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Do you know what Jackie said to me the other day at lunch?
0:05:31 > 0:05:35"You look like you've settled in to life in the country."
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Know what I mean?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Like I was some sort of simpleton up from the provinces.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40We're not simpletons.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45We're not simpletons up from the provinces, are we?
0:05:45 > 0:05:49I mean, people from London think that anyone beyond the M25
0:05:49 > 0:05:51is out in the sticks.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52We're hardly out in the sticks.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- Exactly, Carol. - We're only an hour from Norwich.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- I'm losing a lot of redcurrants to birds.- Are you?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Carol only got three jars of jam off her bush last summer.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Really? Only three?
0:06:09 > 0:06:13- Mad keen on jam-making, Carol is. - Yeah?
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Oh, yeah. And sewing, knitting.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19She's actually been teaching me how to knit.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23We're communicating much better, I think.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26We've been given listening exercises to do by the counsellor.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27Listening to the other person
0:06:27 > 0:06:30is a crucial part of any, er, relationship.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33What?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36You want to get yourself off somewhere nice.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38You know what I'd do?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40I'd go to Norway on a cruise.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42I've always had this fantasy of lying naked in the snow
0:06:42 > 0:06:44with a big, blond Scandinavian man -
0:06:44 > 0:06:46you know, a Viking type -
0:06:46 > 0:06:48watching the northern lights.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52When you're retired you've got the time to do these things.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Me and Alan were thinking about Weymouth.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58That one.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00It's got more babies.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Oh, John. Hi.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- Hi. Er...- Uh...
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- How's the bike?- Yeah, good.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11So...so, what are you doing here?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Oh, I get my vegetables from the farm shop.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- They're all locally sourced, so... - This is Sarah.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20- It's actually Sara.- Yeah. Um, I told you about Sara
0:07:20 > 0:07:22from the cycling club.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24The over-60s cycling club?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Well, we were out the other day, and, er,
0:07:26 > 0:07:28she was at the side of the road. She had a puncture.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29He came to my rescue.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Fixed my tyre, readjusted my seat, sorted out my gears.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35I mean, he's multi-talented.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37He's got a great singing voice too, hasn't he?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- Has he?- Oh, yeah.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41He was singing us all sorts of things to keep us going.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43He's a cheerful soul, aren't you, John?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Always looking to make friends, he is.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Just report him to the police if it starts to feel like stalking.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Oh, no. No, it's great to meet people.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- We just moved into the area. - Across the road from Joyce.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- Oh, that's brave of you. - That's what I said.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Well, we decided we wanted the kids to grow up by the sea.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02London is just too claustrophobic.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04You've moved up from London?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Yeah.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08I think Joyce is going to love retirement, don't you?
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Yeah.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12You know, I was thinking, you know, you've bought her a present
0:08:12 > 0:08:16from both of us, and she'll love that, but that's from you, really.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18I should get her something from me,
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- something warm and personal, you know.- Yeah?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- So what if tomorrow at the party...- Yeah.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25..I give her an assessment of her annuities and pension options?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27- She'd like that.- You think?
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- Yeah.- Oh.- Trevor?- Yes?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32We've got some time now, haven't we, to do things,
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- and you've been careful with our money?- Yes, I have.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37The secret is buying in the troughs and selling at the peaks.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39It sounds easy, but, you know,
0:08:39 > 0:08:40you've got to know what you're doing.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43What do you think about a Norwegian cruise?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Oh, that sounds interesting.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47We could see the northern lights.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Just lie in the snow looking up at the stars.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53We'd need plenty of layers on.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54Oh...
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Joy? Joy, have you met your new neighbour?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Sarah has just moved in across the road from you.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06- Oh, hi.- Hi. It's actually Sara.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Oh, I'm sorry. Sara is a much nicer name, isn't it?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13I told her she's got to meet the gang.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Oh, don't know what she's done to deserve that.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17This is Joyce. She's having a party tomorrow.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19She should come along, shouldn't she?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Yeah, the more the merrier(!)
0:09:22 > 0:09:23She's up from London.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26- I couldn't crash your party. - Oh, Sara,
0:09:26 > 0:09:28you are coming and that's that.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Well, that is very kind. Yeah. See you tomorrow, then.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- Bye.- Bye.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Lovely girl, she is.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40I feel like we've got a connection, cos of the London thing,
0:09:40 > 0:09:43and because she's got the same arse I had 30 years ago.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48MUSIC: " My Generation" by band The Who
0:09:50 > 0:09:52# People try to put us d-down
0:09:52 > 0:09:55# Talkin' 'bout my generation... #
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Do you want me to do anything?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59No. I'm doing all the work, Joyce. It's my treat.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Now, where do you keep your big pans?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05- Hi.- Hi.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07And a chopping knife.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Is this a chopping board?
0:10:11 > 0:10:15- No, that's a tray.- Oh, it looks like a chopping board, doesn't it?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Have you got a chopping board?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21You know, I could do that.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23No, Joyce, I don't want you to do anything.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25You go and have fun.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28I'm totally self-sufficient here, once I get the blender.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31Er...
0:10:31 > 0:10:33- Carol?- Mm?
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Why don't I have a go for five minutes, get it started,
0:10:37 > 0:10:40and you could go and help out in the other room?
0:10:40 > 0:10:41But I've got the recipe.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- Yeah, but you can still be helpful in there.- Doing what?
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Well, making sure the drinks are topped up.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Making sure the nibble bowls are full.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53- OK, but then we swap back. - Yeah.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55We can do it on a tag-team basis.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Exactly.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Now, it's quite straightforward except that one of the kids
0:10:59 > 0:11:03will go into an anaphylactic shock if they eat any peanuts.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- Which one?- Can't remember.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07# Why don't you all f-fade way?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09# Talkin' 'bout my generation
0:11:09 > 0:11:10# Don't try and d-dig what... #
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- Hey, it's going well, this, isn't it?- I think so.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Bit quiet, though. You know, it would be nice to get people going a bit. Bit of dancing.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Joyce doesn't want them to get going too much.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Dancing could be fatal for some of them.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25I don't know how we're going to get by without Joyce.
0:11:25 > 0:11:26The NHS is going to grind to a halt,
0:11:26 > 0:11:28although some would say it already has. Ha!
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Ha-ha, yeah. Pat, are you all right for drink?
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Oh, yes, thanks. Love the champagne.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Well, actually, it's cava. Can't tell the difference, can you?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38No, it's champagne. I've just seen it poured from the bottle.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- Joyce will appreciate it. - Oh, she will.- She'll want
0:11:42 > 0:11:45a proper grasp of it, certainly with all the changes to annuities
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- that they're bringing in. - Well, you should tell her.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Well, I think later.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52I think now.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Watch him, Trev. That's the local Viagra dealer.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58What?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00I'm joking, mate!
0:12:00 > 0:12:02He is single, though.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04I don't think we're at that stage.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Nobody ever thinks they're at that stage until it's too late.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Keep an eye on him, Trev.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10It'll start out with an innocent looking cocktail sausage
0:12:10 > 0:12:13and, before you know, it'll have grown into something a lot bigger.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17They're not cocktail sausages.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18They're spring rolls.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Hi.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- Oh, brilliant! You came.- Yeah.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27This is Inga and Alf, my husband Dan.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29- Hello.- Hope Joyce doesn't mind us crashing.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Oh, she'll love it.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Everybody's very friendly round here. That is the main difference
0:12:34 > 0:12:37that I noticed when I moved up from London.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Everybody's so quaint.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Hey, I thought we said no champagne?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44It's only a couple of bottles, Alan!
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Are we not allowed a couple of bottles?!
0:12:46 > 0:12:50I'm retiring today. I think I deserve a little celebration.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51What are you doing?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- I'm making a peanut satay. - What are you doing that for?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Because Carol says we have to have a peanut satay
0:12:57 > 0:12:59and a chilli dipping sauce with her Vietnamese nibbles,
0:12:59 > 0:13:02and one of them's got to be non-peanut,
0:13:02 > 0:13:04because one of Sara's kids has got a peanut allergy,
0:13:04 > 0:13:06and the other one can't eat gluten.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09I mean, why bring them out anywhere if there's a risk of death
0:13:09 > 0:13:11every time you open a bag of bloody crisps?
0:13:11 > 0:13:13- Who's Sara? - She's some woman I don't even know
0:13:13 > 0:13:16- from across the road. - What did you invite her for?
0:13:16 > 0:13:17I didn't!
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Ah, that's better.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25What are you up to?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Oh, I'm going to put up Lee's old train set.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Oh, his little train set.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Oh, he used to love his little trains, didn't he?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33- Yeah.- But I'm just wondering, Alan,
0:13:33 > 0:13:36I'm just wondering why you are putting it out...
0:13:36 > 0:13:38in the middle of my retirement party?
0:13:38 > 0:13:42- Well, obviously there's a reason. - Oh, yeah, there must be a reason.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Like there's probably a reason
0:13:44 > 0:13:47I am standing in the middle of my kitchen covered in peanut paste
0:13:47 > 0:13:50rather than celebrating my retirement
0:13:50 > 0:13:52in the refined surroundings of the Marriott Hotel.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- Well, yeah... - No, that's all right, Alan.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57You don't have to tell me now, because I'm a bit busy.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58But, I tell you what,
0:13:58 > 0:14:01why don't we make an appointment and talk about it later?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Ooh, let me see. Ooh,
0:14:03 > 0:14:07look, there's a window in my diary just come up, and it starts
0:14:07 > 0:14:10on Monday morning at nine o'clock and finishes when I'm dead!
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Does that work for you(?)
0:14:12 > 0:14:16SOUL MUSIC PLAYS
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Crisp?
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- Do you want me to run the tribute video now?- Er, no,
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- perhaps leave it a bit longer. - Right, just give us a shout when you're ready.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- Now, listen... What is that? - Oh, it's Lee's old train set.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34OK. Yeah, but listen, just to warn you, I've connected your amp
0:14:34 > 0:14:36and I'm going to ramp up the sound a bit. Hey, it's a celebration
0:14:36 > 0:14:39for Joyce. We've got to keep everybody up and buzzing.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40We don't want to get everybody too worked up.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42I'm not talking wife-swapping, Alan.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45I'm just saying let's get everyone going.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47- SARA:- Yeah, well, I will do.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Hi, there. You having a nice time?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Yeah, I'm having a great time.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54I've been giving her the lowdown, bit of local knowledge.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- Not that I'm a local, as you know. - Yes.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00So, what are you going to do with yourself now you're retired?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Ooh, I haven't really thought about that yet, Sara.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I'm really jealous. I wish we could just give it all up
0:15:05 > 0:15:06and indulge ourselves like that.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09You know, just do nothing.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11I would take the kids on a round-the-world trip.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Me and Dan both feel very strongly it's important to expose them
0:15:14 > 0:15:16- to alien cultures.- Well, you've come to the right place then.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19Norfolk.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Oh. No, it's lovely here.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25The coast's so beautiful and windswept.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- It's like being in a scene from The Piano.- More like Cocoon.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32It's great for the children to mix with people from your generation.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36It gives them a different perspective, you know. It's like living history for them.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40You could tell them what London was like in the Blitz. How amazing would that be?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I don't think I remember the Blitz, Sara.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Might need to ask Maureen about that.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Sara is home-educating Alfie and...
0:15:47 > 0:15:49ALL: Inga.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- That's interesting, isn't it? - We don't like to set boundaries for them.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54I wish we'd home-educated our Mark.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Didn't learn nothing at that school of his.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01- She likes ornaments, does she? - Oh, kids will find fun in anything.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04We like to let them experiment. It's good for their imagination.
0:16:04 > 0:16:09- CHINA SMASHING - Oh, time for Inga's banana.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11MUSIC: " House Of The Rising Sun" by The Animals
0:16:11 > 0:16:13She's very nice.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17Yeah, I've got that.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20- And not too loud.- No worries.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Er, when are you doing this surprise tribute video?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25I don't know. I was going to surprise you.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Well, I've got to know when to serve the buffet.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- When do you want me to do it? - Well, any time you want.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33- After people have finished eating? - No, don't wait for that. We'll be here all night.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- After the cake? - No, people will be half asleep.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38- How about now?- No, too early.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- So when?- Like I said, whenever you want.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Joyce, have we ever spoken about annuities?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Not now, Trevor.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45I'll catch her later.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47I would.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Check it out, dude. Proper train set.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52My son loved this when he was your age.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54He used to play on this thing for hours.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Mate, is that awesome, or is that super-awesome?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Yeah, Alf likes his iPod games, so...
0:16:59 > 0:17:02this will be a real educational change-up for him.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Yeah, well, everything's on computers these days, isn't it?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- Yeah, course it is. - Even our stuff's on computers.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11I was looking for some photos this week to put up today.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Er, I was going to do like a photo-board thing, you know,
0:17:14 > 0:17:15special moments from Joyce's life.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17- Oh, yeah, sure. - Yeah, yeah, but the point is,
0:17:17 > 0:17:20I couldn't find anything from the last ten years
0:17:20 > 0:17:22because everything is on the computer,
0:17:22 > 0:17:24- or on the "iCloud."- Yeah, I know what you mean.- Yeah.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Plus, with everything being on the computer,
0:17:26 > 0:17:29you've got to know the password to access it.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- You can't just hand them on. - Exactly.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34That'll be the last conversation you'll have with Alf.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35You'll be on your deathbed, and he'll be like,
0:17:35 > 0:17:38"Before you go, Dad, there's just three little words
0:17:38 > 0:17:41"I'd like to say to you. What's your password?"
0:17:45 > 0:17:47It's OK, mate. Daddy's not dying.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51MUSIC: " All Right Now" by Free
0:17:57 > 0:17:59# There she stood
0:17:59 > 0:18:02# In the street
0:18:02 > 0:18:05# Smiling from her head to her feet... #
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Is there any chance we could have a word about when
0:18:07 > 0:18:10you'll be showing the tribute video? I just need to know when to make my speech.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- No problem. I'll give you a shout. - I'm really looking forward to it.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Oh, it's good, Trev. You'll love it.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17There's music, and credits at the end and everything.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18No mushy stuff, you know.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I can't stand it when people get mushy. Do you know what I mean?
0:18:21 > 0:18:25- Yeah. Um, when do you want me to do my bit?- What?
0:18:25 > 0:18:26Well, I haven't done my bit yet.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Are you saving me for the end?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30That's the plan, Trevor, yes, save you for the end.
0:18:30 > 0:18:31Just before the credits?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Just after.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- How does that work?- We'll sort it out in a minute.- OK.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- No worries.- I wouldn't want to be the only one missing.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42No. Oh, you'll love this one.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44MUSIC: " Glad All Over" by The Dave Clark Five
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Hey, you'll like this. Do you know it?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Dave Clark Five?
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Proper music.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50# Always be mine
0:18:50 > 0:18:52# I'm feeling
0:18:52 > 0:18:56# Glad all over, yes, I'm
0:18:56 > 0:18:57# Glad all over
0:18:57 > 0:18:58# Baby, I'm
0:18:58 > 0:19:00# Glad all over... #
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Seeing your two reminds me of when our Mark was little.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05We used to take full advantage of everything
0:19:05 > 0:19:09that growing up in the big city had to offer, as I'm sure you did yours.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13We took him to the first McDonald's when it opened in Woolwich. Oh...
0:19:13 > 0:19:15they love their McDonald's, don't they?
0:19:15 > 0:19:19We've never been. Alf and Inga are vegetarian.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Yeah, yeah. Well, we only really ever eat the chips.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Um, I think we ought to be heading off. Inga is getting a bit bored.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Oh, don't be silly. Stay and chill out.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33I know what it's like looking after small children, bless 'em. It's exhausting.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36You don't want to be doing that all afternoon.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Oh, Joy, would you look after Inga?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Oh, no, you don't need to.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Oh, Joy don't mind. She's brilliant with kids.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45No peanuts.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Do you want some more wine?
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- Here we go. Here's Uncle Alan. - I'm not Uncle Alan.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Well, I can't just say "Alan," It sounds a bit threatening.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Not as threatening as "Uncle Alan."
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Have we got any DVDs we could sit her in front of?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Well, I can't take her round with me. She might cop a stray peanut.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Have a look in the cupboard.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Come on, sweetheart. Let's find you a DVD to watch.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14- I'll have to check it's OK with my mum.- Oh, don't worry about that.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17You haven't got any dodgy DVDs, have you, Uncle Alan?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20MUSIC: " Hold On, I'm Comin'" by Sam & Dave
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- What the British invasion did, in terms of what it meant for US music...- Just wondering
0:20:24 > 0:20:26when we might talk about the tribute video?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28In a minute, love.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32What it did was it reconnected them to the blues roots of pop music.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35You see, we got Scousers to reinvent Black music, basically.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Oh, it's all right, Dan, you can say "black."
0:20:37 > 0:20:40They gave it to us, and we gave it back to them
0:20:40 > 0:20:43via the Mersey Beat, and what have you, in a repackaged way.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47- Without Herman's Hermits you wouldn't have... What was the one you said?- Rizzle Kicks.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Rizzle Kicks.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56I never had one of these.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Look at the detail on that,
0:20:57 > 0:21:00underneath, where you wouldn't even see it.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03This is what it's all about, isn't it, retirement?
0:21:03 > 0:21:04It's not parties.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07It's not about sorting out annuities and boring pensions.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- It's only money, isn't it? - As long as you've got your health
0:21:10 > 0:21:12and you're enjoying yourself, nothing else matters.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- Thanks for that.- What?- I'm trying to sort these bloody kids out
0:21:15 > 0:21:18and you're sitting here playing with your bloody train set.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- No, I'm not.- You've left me to look after everyone again.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22It's my bloody party!
0:21:22 > 0:21:24I've done nothing but sort people out.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26- You like sorting people out. - No, I don't.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28I'd rather be sitting here on my arse
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- playing silly buggers like you. - I'll, um,
0:21:30 > 0:21:32check on the patio heater.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36You've embarrassed Trevor now.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38I haven't embarrassed Trevor.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40I've embarrassed YOU!
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Joyce? Joy,
0:21:47 > 0:21:49we've got a little bit of a problem.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53- What's the matter, sweetheart? - She's been watching DVDs on her own.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Well, I looked through them all. There were no dodgy ones.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Yeah, but you didn't stay with her
0:21:58 > 0:22:00and help her understand what she was watching.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Well, I showed her how the remote control works.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06I like to check everything my children are going to watch.
0:22:06 > 0:22:11I promise you there's nothing in this house that isn't family-friendly.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13I've got a grandchild myself and I wouldn't allow it.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Yes, well, I'm sure you know what's best for them,
0:22:15 > 0:22:19but I think I'm probably the best person to judge what's right for my children.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22It's only make-believe, love. It's a film. It's not real.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25I think you'll find this is very real.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29Alan?
0:22:30 > 0:22:35Why have we got a film of the liberation of Belsen Concentration Camp
0:22:35 > 0:22:38- lying about in our DVD cupboard? - Well, it's a documentary
0:22:38 > 0:22:42about the end of the Second World War. It's the actual footage shot by the Americans who got there first.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46It's, er, one of the first, er, colour newsreel films.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- I don't know. - Look, I know you're doing your best,
0:22:50 > 0:22:52but maybe you shouldn't have children round
0:22:52 > 0:22:55if there aren't appropriate activities for them to engage with.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Well, that's nice of you to point it out,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00and I'll certainly bear it in mind(!)
0:23:00 > 0:23:04But, in actual fact, I never did invite your children round, Sara.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07You brought them round off your own bat.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10And, quite honestly, I've never seen more badly behaved,
0:23:10 > 0:23:13obnoxious children in my entire life,
0:23:13 > 0:23:15and I've been to France!
0:23:19 > 0:23:21SHE MOUTHS
0:23:21 > 0:23:23(I'll call you.)
0:23:25 > 0:23:27JOYCE SIGHS
0:23:27 > 0:23:29All I've done is have people dictating to me.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31"These are the people that are coming round."
0:23:31 > 0:23:33"This is the food we're having."
0:23:33 > 0:23:35"This is the drinks we're serving."
0:23:35 > 0:23:38All right, calm down, Joyce. I think you're over-reacting.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41- It's only a party.- Well, why couldn't we have hired a hall out?
0:23:41 > 0:23:42That's what other people do.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Or gone out for a nice meal,
0:23:44 > 0:23:46- just me and you? - We couldn't do that.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Or treated ourselves to a nice week in Spain?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- We couldn't do it, Joyce.- Why not?
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- Because.- Because what? - Because we can't afford it.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57My annuity has come up a bit short. This is the best I can do for the minute.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02- Do you mean we haven't got any money? - No, of course we have, just not as much as we thought.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Well, what are we going to do?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Am I going to have to go back to work?
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- No.- Alan, look at me.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Is this a retirement party,
0:24:12 > 0:24:15or is it not a retirement party?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18It's not a retirement party.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Oh, thank God for that.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26- Are you all right?- Yeah.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32- Is she all right?- It's always a struggle when you move
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- to a new area.- Yeah, not everyone's as adaptable as us, love.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I know. We're very lucky like that.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40- We fit in anywhere, don't we, babe? - We do.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42I wouldn't mind having her arse, though.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Oh, don't be daft. I'm not interested in that.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47I don't care what you look like. It doesn't matter to me.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Obviously it does matter to me, er, but it's not...
0:24:52 > 0:24:56What I'm saying is, you've got a lovely arse.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00MUSIC: " I'm A Believer" by The Monkees
0:25:00 > 0:25:01# Now I'm a believer
0:25:03 > 0:25:04# Not a trace
0:25:06 > 0:25:07# Of doubt in my mind... #
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Oh, Alan,
0:25:09 > 0:25:12you've done me a tribute video.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15Er, hi, Joyce. Er, Alan here.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Um, I'm very proud of you and, er,
0:25:18 > 0:25:19I want you to know that
0:25:19 > 0:25:21whatever you decide to do with the rest of our lives...
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- Aw!- '..I'm behind you 100%.'
0:25:26 > 0:25:28What are we going to do about the presents?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Look, I'm glad you're retiring because then you can spend
0:25:32 > 0:25:34more time shopping with me,
0:25:34 > 0:25:36and, er, anyway, deep down I know
0:25:36 > 0:25:39you're a lazy cow and it'll suit you down to the ground.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41- Aw!- There you go.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44- JOHN ON DVD: - Hey, Joyce. Hope you like the video.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46It's cost Al a fortune. Anyway, listen,
0:25:46 > 0:25:48happy retirement, kid.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Um, can I just stop you there?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- There's something I want to say and...- Can I just go first, Joyce?
0:25:57 > 0:26:01I've just got a few words to say at this point.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03- Good luck, Joyce. - Ah, thank you, Pat.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05- Now...- And don't forget,
0:26:05 > 0:26:08if you ever need a doctor's appointment,
0:26:08 > 0:26:10well, don't come to us cos we're all bloody useless.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12Yeah, well...
0:26:12 > 0:26:15But...in recognition of all your years of service,
0:26:15 > 0:26:19we've all clubbed together and raised £75 towards your dream
0:26:19 > 0:26:23- Caribbean cruise.- Oh, thank you.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26And thanks, everyone, for coming, but...
0:26:26 > 0:26:30I've got a little bit of an announcement I want to make.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33I'm not retiring.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36So, Pat, if you and the gang'll have me back,
0:26:36 > 0:26:40I can put off this nightmare for another year or two.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43Bu...!
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Oh...
0:26:47 > 0:26:49You'd better have this back now.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- Oh, I can't take it back.- Oh, course you can. Everybody else is.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56Joyce, I didn't get a chance to say something on the tribute video.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58But if I had, it would be something like this.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01We all love you, Joyce,
0:27:01 > 0:27:04and we'll all be there for you whenever you need us.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08- Been doing communication in counselling.- Mm-hm.
0:27:08 > 0:27:09JOHN SNIFFS
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Are you all right?
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Yeah, yeah.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15I thought you didn't want it to be too syrupy.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17- I didn't.- Alan?
0:27:17 > 0:27:19- Mm?- Excuse me.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Alan!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Give it back, Alan.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27MUSIC: " Sunny Afternoon" by The Kinks
0:27:31 > 0:27:34# The taxman's taken all my dough
0:27:34 > 0:27:38# And left me in my stately home
0:27:38 > 0:27:43# Lazing on a sunny afternoon
0:27:43 > 0:27:46# And I can't sail my yacht
0:27:46 > 0:27:50# He's taken everything I've got
0:27:50 > 0:27:55# All I've got's this sunny afternoon
0:27:58 > 0:28:01# Save me, save me, save me
0:28:01 > 0:28:03# From this squeeze... #