0:00:03 > 0:00:07MUSIC: The Tears Of A Clown by Smokey Robinson & The Miracles
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# Now, if there's a smile on my face
0:00:18 > 0:00:22# It's only there trying to fool the public
0:00:22 > 0:00:26# But when it comes down to fooling you
0:00:26 > 0:00:29# Now, honey, that's quite a different subject... #
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Humphrey de Bohun, the 3rd Earl of Essex,
0:00:32 > 0:00:35was killed at the Battle of Boroughbridge, 1322.
0:00:35 > 0:00:40A pikeman concealed beneath a bridge skewered him through the anus.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Apparently his dying screams
0:00:41 > 0:00:44turned the enemy advance into a panicked retreat.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Every cloud, eh?
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Are you still on for moving Joan out tomorrow?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50- Oh, yeah. No problem. - Good. I've hired the van out.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53I haven't driven a van for years. It's going to be great fun.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57- Tinged with sadness, obviously. - Oh, yeah. Obviously.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Joan looking forward to the big move tomorrow?
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Into the care home? She's not doing many cartwheels.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Nice for your sister to see her again, though.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09First time in months.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11She still with that Egyptian guy?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Hanif? That was years ago.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Turned up on the doorstep with him out the blue one Christmas.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Couldn't speak a word of English.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Worst game of Boxing Day charades ever, that was.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24This country has a fascinating history, though, doesn't it?
0:01:24 > 0:01:27A proud history. We haven't been invaded for 1,000 years.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Well, coming up to 1,000.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31- Yeah. - We reach that mark in 2066.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33It's a shame we won't be there to see it.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Yeah, it's always been one of my great regrets.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37You all right, Bob?
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Golden, mate. Absolutely golden.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41COUGHS
0:01:41 > 0:01:43I'm just going to push him over to the till.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47He's expressed an interest in one of the Anne Boleyn fridge magnets.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Still a bit of the old devil in there, eh, Bob?
0:01:50 > 0:01:54- Poor old sod. He looks done in. - Yeah, it's good for him.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56They haven't got enough staff at his care home
0:01:56 > 0:01:57to take everyone out regularly.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59If it wasn't for this befriending scheme,
0:01:59 > 0:02:01he'd be stuck inside all week.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Brilliant. No, it's good, isn't it?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04It's good that they can get out and about.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Makes you wonder what he's done to deserve Trevor, though.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09I mean, we can walk away.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19It's a big thing, isn't it, moving into full-time residential care?
0:02:19 > 0:02:22I'm trying to make it as easy as possible for her.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26I've booked us a lovely posh lunch tomorrow to celebrate.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28- Yeah.- Well, not celebrate.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- No.- To mark the occasion.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Yeah, exactly. You're just marking it.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I'm worried it's all going to be too much for her.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36It's a very tight schedule.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Well, she has to be out of her sheltered accommodation
0:02:38 > 0:02:41by midday because the warden has got the next occupant arriving then,
0:02:41 > 0:02:43and we've still got to sort all her stuff out,
0:02:43 > 0:02:46you know, what she's taking, what we're leaving.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Oh, it's an absolute nightmare, Joy. A nightmare.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53You going to come and give us a hand?
0:02:53 > 0:02:54I'd only be in the way.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57No, everyone's mucking in. Alan's coming.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Oh, is he?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Yeah. Come on!
0:03:01 > 0:03:04We'll all have a laugh, except Mum, obviously.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Well, I would be there with you, Maureen,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09but I'm waiting in for the gas man tomorrow.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Boiler's playing up.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Well, maybe you can come over once they've been.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Have they given you a morning or afternoon slot?
0:03:17 > 0:03:18- All day.- Oh.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Well, usually morning or afternoon, isn't it?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Usually.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Bob's nice, isn't he?
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Trevor's really into his Age UK charity stuff.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32They dress up at Christmas and put on little shows for them
0:03:32 > 0:03:34at the residential home. Usually goes down well.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38Although last year they did a bit of a panto, Aladdin.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Trevor was Wishy Washy, and one of them thought he was
0:03:41 > 0:03:44a Japanese prison guard and tried to strangle him with a serviette.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46- They have flashbacks, don't they? - Yeah.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49What do you mean?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- Hello, boys.- Hello.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56All right, John? Haven't seen much of you today.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57You been avoiding me?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Don't know about you boys, but I'm done in. My feet are killing me.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04If I'd known we'd be trekking around old ruins all day,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I'd have brought my sensible shoes.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09I thought we were going back to see those flagons of mead.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12All right, Mum, we'll get to the mead in a minute.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Funny choice for her last day of freedom, though, innit?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I mean, coming here? What's the attraction?
0:04:17 > 0:04:22Other than a fantastic little teashop with 1,000 years of history attached?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Well, anyway, we're going soon, aren't we?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Otherwise Maureen's not going to get her afternoon nap.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30All right, darling.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32- She's very hands on, isn't she? - She's a nutcase.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35I wasn't going to say anything, but I could tell something was awry.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37She never gets any of my jokes.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39She's always been the same,
0:04:39 > 0:04:41especially after a couple of white wine spritzers.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45You don't want to be anywhere near her on New Year's Eve come midnight.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47I've had tongues and all. Oh, yeah.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50And Christmas? Dear, oh, dear.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Do you know, we haven't had mistletoe in our house since 1974?
0:04:53 > 0:04:54- That's sexual harassment. - It is.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57You've been objectified, John, treated as a sexual object.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59I think it's the way you dress, mate.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01That is extremely provocative.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02He's asking for it, isn't he?
0:05:05 > 0:05:06MOUTHS
0:05:10 > 0:05:12I know how you're feeling.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14I've had similar problems with in-laws crossing that line
0:05:14 > 0:05:17between displaying affection and being overtly sexual.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Course. Carol's got a couple of sisters, hasn't she?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22It wasn't her sisters.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23It was her dad.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26He was dealing with a lot of issues towards the end.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29JOYCE: What are we doing tomorrow?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- Tomorrow?- Yeah.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33What had we got arranged for tomorrow?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- Shopping?- No. - No. Not shopping. Erm...
0:05:36 > 0:05:39We'd arranged for the estate agent to come round.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- That's it.- So, can you help me get the house ready?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- Yeah.- Except you can't,
0:05:44 > 0:05:46because you've told Maureen you'll help them move Joan.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48- I forgot. - I don't want to talk
0:05:48 > 0:05:50to the estate agent by myself.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Look, I told you, we don't have to move.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56We're rattling around in that place. We could do with downsizing.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57What to, a Lego house(?)
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Lee and Suze still haven't brought that baby up to see us yet, Alan,
0:06:00 > 0:06:04and I'm telling you, that situation isn't going to change.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05She's putting up barriers.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- She's not putting barriers up. - Alan, you don't understand.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10A daughter-in-law can turn against you.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12My friend Linda from work,
0:06:12 > 0:06:15she was baby-sitting her grandson at her daughter-in-law's house.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19All she did was move the furniture round a little bit in the living room
0:06:19 > 0:06:22because her daughter-in-law had got some things in the wrong place.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24She's never seen that kid since.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28If you want to be involved in your grandchild in any way,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31you're going to have to think about moving down there.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- It's as simple as that.- Joy!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Mum's worried about moving tomorrow.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- Hi, Joan.- Hello.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Tell her she's worried about nothing.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42She won't know. She hasn't seen the place.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Joyce has seen the place, Mum.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Joy, you've seen it, haven't you?
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Oh...
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Oh, it looks fantastic.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54It's so plush, isn't it?
0:06:54 > 0:06:58It'll be like living in a five-star hotel.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03If you ever put me in one of those places, Alan,
0:07:03 > 0:07:06I'll make you sorrier than you've ever been.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17When are you going to get your hair done properly, Mau?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19I've been telling her for months to have her hair cut.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20She won't listen to me.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23I had mine done in Gran Canaria last month.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Always surprised how soft a man's fingers can feel on your hair.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Well, you're not used to feeling them on your head, are you?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32I worry about you travelling to these places on your own.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Men in Muslim countries are drawn to Western women.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37They follow them around in bazaars.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39It's not a Muslim country.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Yeah, but you've still got your looks, Pauline,
0:07:41 > 0:07:45and in an Islamic environment you're like a red rag to a bull.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47You'd be all right. They wouldn't touch you.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Thanks, Mum(!)
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- Not with John around.- Hmm.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53And certainly not with your hair like that.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55MUSIC: In The Midnight Hour by Wilson Pickett
0:08:05 > 0:08:08# I'm gonna wait till the midnight hour... #
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Christ!
0:08:12 > 0:08:13What are you doing, Pauline?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I like having a bath in the dark. It's relaxing.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- Is it?- John?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Jesus. What are you creeping around for, Maureen?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- What's the matter?- It's just...
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Have you got any of that moisturiser for when I get out, Maureen?
0:08:24 > 0:08:26I've used mine up.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Got as far as my thighs last night and ran out.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Not used to rubbing it in myself, you see.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32I'll see if I can find you a vat.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36She's driving me mad with her antics.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39I swear she gets worse as she gets older.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40Doesn't it bother you?
0:08:40 > 0:08:43All that pouting and sticking her bits out?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45No, no. Washes right over me.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46She's winding Mum up,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49asking questions about the home all the time.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51"Have they got satellite?" "Is there an en-suite?"
0:08:51 > 0:08:53"Is there a lake?"
0:08:53 > 0:08:54You're doing the right thing.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Just because Pauline has come breezing in...
0:08:56 > 0:08:59She doesn't have to look after your mum every day, does she, eh?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01You're the one who's having to put up with all the stress.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04You mustn't feel guilty about it.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06I don't feel guilty about it.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Not guilty. I don't mean guilty.
0:09:08 > 0:09:09What I mean is, you know,
0:09:09 > 0:09:12you shouldn't think you've failed to care for her,
0:09:12 > 0:09:14because you haven't.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16And "failed" is the wrong word as well. Yes.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18You see, what you've actually done is
0:09:18 > 0:09:22you've actually succeeded in finding her a more,
0:09:22 > 0:09:24you know, erm...
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Do you want a cup of tea?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30MUSIC: Sunshine Superman by Donovan
0:09:31 > 0:09:38# Sunshine came softly through my window today... #
0:09:38 > 0:09:40You off on your jolly?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42It's not going to be fun, Joyce.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Hey, this place looks amazing.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46You've done a great job, Joyce. Look at that tap.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Just be back in time for the estate agent.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52I don't want to be talking to her on my own.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53What shall I say to John and Trevor?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55- About what? - About the estate agent.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Don't say anything.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- What if they ask?- I don't want people thinking we're moving.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Well, you said we were just testing the water, getting it valued.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Yeah, and I don't want them to think we're getting it valued, either.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08The only reason you get your house valued
0:10:08 > 0:10:10- is if you're worried about money. - But...
0:10:10 > 0:10:12And I don't want them feeling sorry for us.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Remember that time they wanted to go to St Tropez,
0:10:15 > 0:10:17and we said it was too expensive?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20And John wanted to pay for the flights and the accommodation,
0:10:20 > 0:10:21and I said no.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- Remember how you felt then?- Gutted.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25Embarrassed.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- And embarrassed. - I just don't want their pity.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29I won't say a word.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31- CAR HORN BEEPS - Oh, I'd better get going.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33I think I'll just get myself something to eat on the way.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Don't touch that, Alan! That's estate agent bread.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39And the same goes for the coffee.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43This place has got to be perfect, spotless, smelling of nothing
0:10:43 > 0:10:46but bread, coffee and maybe a little bit of ammonia.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47You eat that bread, Alan,
0:10:47 > 0:10:51you are jeopardising our grandchild's future.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52CAR HORN BEEPS
0:10:54 > 0:10:56You go off and have a bit of fun.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Look, I told you, Joyce, it's not going to be fun.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59It's going to be hard work.
0:10:59 > 0:11:04Sometimes, you know, we have to make sacrifices for our friends.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Hey, Al, you've got to have a go in this van.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10It's got a rear-view camera, and everything. Joyce.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- ALAN:- Oh, it's Carol!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16It's Carol.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Hello, Joyce.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Hi.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21You know, Joan's move got me thinking about all the stuff
0:11:21 > 0:11:26we've got up in our loft, and I thought you might want this.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I'll be 20 minutes, if that. It's only Carol
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- ALAN:- And Bob. - BOB:- Hello.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35How's it going?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Golden, mate. I feel absolutely golden.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- CAROL:- Oh, thanks, John. - All OK, then.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45The thing is, Carol...
0:11:45 > 0:11:47He's no trouble. Just pop him out by the pond.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49I...
0:11:49 > 0:11:52I just need disabled access to your loo, which means,
0:11:52 > 0:11:54if I'm being honest with myself,
0:11:54 > 0:11:57does need to be less than 15 seconds away.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59It's exciting, isn't it?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01A new baby coming to visit all the time,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03and we'll all be here to help out.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06I still don't feel old enough to be a grandma.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Don't be silly, Joyce. Of course you are.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Are you making fresh bread?
0:12:11 > 0:12:12I'll have a sandwich.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15But...but...don't spread it out there, please, Carol.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Hold the sandwich.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20I think I'm going to have to clear the decks first.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28It really is a very good care home you're going to.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32As long as they've got Pinot noir on tap in all the rooms, I'm not fussed.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35And how are you? Everything OK?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37I'm good.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Sometimes it's harder on the carers.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40No, I'm fine.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42- You're doing the right thing. - I know.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45What you mustn't do, in situations like this,
0:12:45 > 0:12:47is think that anybody here is judging you
0:12:47 > 0:12:50because they are absolutely not doing that.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53You hear lots of stories about problems with care homes,
0:12:53 > 0:12:59you know, neglect, residents lying in soiled bedding, physical abuse,
0:12:59 > 0:13:00but you've just got to ignore them.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03What you mustn't think is that you are sentencing your mother
0:13:03 > 0:13:06to spending her last years in a living hell
0:13:06 > 0:13:08because you almost certainly aren't.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Careful with all that. There's some good stuff in there.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Don't worry, we'll look after it.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- Is this all going back to yours? - It's going on the tip.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Wish I was coming on the jolly boys' outing.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Is there room for a girl up there?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I can squeeze in next to John.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28ALAN LAUGHS
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Do you feel dirty?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33This is good, innit?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35How long has it been since we all sat down, had a good sort out?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37As long as it doesn't upset her.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39The warden's giving me the hurry-up already.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Oh, remember this one? It's me and you on the beach.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46That's Llandudno, innit? Oh, it was a lovely holiday.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Such a special time.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Yeah, and it peed down with rain all week.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Yeah, but we went there every year, didn't we?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55And it peed down every time.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Look.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59It's you and Dad on the pier.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Big smile on your face. Must have been happy there.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I was. We were going home that day.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Yeah, well, Dad liked it.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08He looks like he's happy in all of them.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Course he does. He'd just started drinking again.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15- How are you getting on? - It's emotional. So many memories.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18It was the beginning of the end, that was.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20I tell you what, Mum.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22You don't need to go through all this, do you?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Why don't we let Pauline run you over to Joyce's?
0:14:24 > 0:14:28Oh! She's got to decide what she wants to take with her.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Everything in here has got memories attached
0:14:30 > 0:14:31that we don't know anything about.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Look at that chair she's sat in.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36It means nothing to us,
0:14:36 > 0:14:38but it might remind her of all sorts of special things.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40It reminds me of my uncle Ted.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43See? Why does it remind you of Ted?
0:14:43 > 0:14:44He died in it.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Mau, tell me where Joyce lives again.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52SIGHS
0:14:53 > 0:14:54Poor Joan.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56I think it's the right time for her to go in, though.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58I mean, she's got to that stage, you know,
0:14:58 > 0:15:00the worry, the stress, the confusion.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I just need a break from it all.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- And it's not cheap, either. - I couldn't face it.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07I think when my time comes, I'll ask Maureen to shoot me.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Yeah, I'll let Joyce finish me off. It's the least I can do for her.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12What about you, Trev? Are you opting out of the care system?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Maybe we could get a group booking at Dignitas, eh?
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Bit of discount. What do you think?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Fly off to Switzerland, bit of skiing, drop of Gluhwein.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22WHISTLES
0:15:22 > 0:15:24No, I've already chosen my care home.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Picked my own room and everything.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I'm quite looking forward to it.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29You could be onto a good thing there, Trevor.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31I knew an old boy once in a care home in Hitcham.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33He said he'd never had so many women in his life.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Fighting them off with his stick, he was.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Swear to God. Makes you think, doesn't it?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41I wonder how Carol's getting on with Bob.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45PHONE RINGS
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Hi, Joyce.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50He keeps rolling himself down to the pond.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53What if he falls in? Are we covered on insurance?
0:15:53 > 0:15:57I'm trying to get rid of them, but you know what Carol's like.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Just get back here, Alan.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Yeah, the estate agent is going to be here in ten minutes.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Oh, you're looking a little bit tired, Bob.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07You ready to go home yet?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10I'm ready for anything. Good as gold, love.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14I know Emilia hasn't been to see you yet, but she will.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17And these baby things are ever so useful.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21There's a gym and a playpen and a sterilisation kit.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Oh, that will be useful. But do you know what?
0:16:23 > 0:16:27I think Bob's a bit tired and probably wants to go home.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Look, he's waiting there by the door.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Oh... I suppose I could take him somewhere else.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34That's it.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Will you use all this stuff?
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Of course I will.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41It means a lot to me that you've shared all these things with me.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44CLATTERING
0:16:44 > 0:16:45Bye, Bob.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49- Got room for one more?- Hello.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Because you see, of course, going back 100 years,
0:16:53 > 0:16:55we never needed care homes.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Nobody ever lived past 80.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Yes, and going back a few hundred years, nobody ever lived past 50.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01We'd have all been dead already.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Imagine...not having the last 20 years.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05All the things we've seen and done in that time.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Yeah, although there's a couple of Christmases with Joyce's mum
0:17:08 > 0:17:10I could have done without.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13It's all fine. They can be in the garden.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- I can just show the house. - What's that?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18We can all go in the garden.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20No point being stuck inside, is there?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- You're getting flustered, aren't you?- I'm not flustered.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Look, I know you're going through a very emotional time at the moment.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Everything's different for you, isn't it,
0:17:28 > 0:17:30with the new baby and all that.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Well, it does change things.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34That's why I thought you'd understand what I'm going through.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38See, I thought helping Trevor out with Bob would be a bit different.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40I thought it was sharing an interest,
0:17:40 > 0:17:43but all it's doing is making me think what it'll be like
0:17:43 > 0:17:47looking after Trevor if he gets...you know.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Well, with a bit of luck you'll be dead by then.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57I think what John is saying is, taking genetics
0:17:57 > 0:17:59and economics into account,
0:17:59 > 0:18:01the three of us are among the most successful people on this planet.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Is that a fair assessment, John?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05That's it. That's exactly right, Trev.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07- Well, I suppose if you put it like that...- I mean,
0:18:07 > 0:18:09there are people better off than us, though, aren't there?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11- That is also true. - And there's plenty more worse off.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13I mean, look at us.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15We're doing all right, aren't we? We don't struggle for money.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18We've got a good pension, and we're not having to sell off assets,
0:18:18 > 0:18:20unlike those poor buggers who are having to downsize.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- Oh, dreadful.- Terrible.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- Pressure to sell.- Money running out.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26- Poor sods. - Cancelling all your luxuries.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- Car, satellite TV.- Yeah.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- Can you imagine what that's like? - I can't imagine it, John.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32Neither can I.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Didn't you cancel your satellite subscription recently?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38No, I didn't cancel. I switched.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Moved my package across.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Maureen tells me off if I do that.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51You like fish?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55There's some lovely carp in there.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01A little bird told me you were moving today.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Make your mind up.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08Do you want to talk about fish, or do you want to talk about birds?
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Alan, is this yours? An estate agent's card.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Must have fallen out your pocket.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Oh, yeah. We were just, um, you know, testing the water.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Where are you going?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Well, we're just thinking about it at this stage.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- Oh, Joyce wants to move nearer Suze? - Eh? No.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33What, you're joking, aren't you?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Move all the way down there on Joyce's say-so?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- SCOFFS:- I don't think I'll be doing that.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Oh, well, you should have told us, Alan.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- Can't break up the team, Al. - The three amigos.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43You're making me want to leave now.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45- Difficult settling somewhere new. - At your age.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Learning all those new numbers.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49I'm not going anywhere. We're not moving, OK?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51OK. So you're just getting a valuation.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Exactly... No.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- What's happened? You in trouble? - No. No trouble.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Listen, mate. If you need help, just ask us.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01He only has to ask, doesn't he, Trev?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- Yeah, say the word. - No, listen, it's fine, really.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05It's just a complication with annuities, that's all.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- Oh, no.- No, it's fine, really. - Alan.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Alan, look who you're talking to. Trevor.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14You're talking to Trevor.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- OK.- I'm a financial advisor, Alan.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- Christ.- Sort him out, Trev.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24She's a bit off, isn't she? That Joyce!
0:20:24 > 0:20:28I was going to send her a Facebook invitation but she can stuff it now.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Oh, you've got rid of everything.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31She's only got one room.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Seems a bit cruel.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35It'd be stacked to the ceiling if we let her take everything.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Where's Mum going to fit in?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39You going to keep her wedged in her cabinet,
0:20:39 > 0:20:41like a giant piece of Capodimonte?
0:20:41 > 0:20:44If you want to talk about cruel, love, that's cruel.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46I'm not doing this.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48What do you mean, you're not doing this?
0:20:48 > 0:20:50I'll take her.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Oh, for goodness' sake.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53No, Maureen.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55If there's honestly no room in your seafront mansion
0:20:55 > 0:20:58for one old lady and a few memories, then I'll have her.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- Pauline... - She's not going.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03She won't survive inside.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08It's a care home, Pauline. It's not Holloway Prison.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12She's not going to be attacked by lesbians with chivs in the shower.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Yeah, you see, if you'd come to me
0:21:14 > 0:21:16I'd have told you not to buy that annuity
0:21:16 > 0:21:18because it had unspecified minimum yield written all over it.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Look, it's going to be fine. It's just in case, that's all.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25There's absolutely no problem. We are not in trouble.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- OK, mate. - We are completely solvent.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30- No, we understand. - So, you know, thanks for the offer,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33but you don't need to worry about it, or even mention it.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35- Sure.- Seriously. Don't mention it.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Joyce doesn't know?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- No, she doesn't know.- Understood.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41PHONE RINGS
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Yeah?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46What?
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Why?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Right. Bye.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51What's up?
0:21:51 > 0:21:54That was Maureen. She said bring it all back.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56What for?
0:21:56 > 0:21:57Joan is moving in with us.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06MUSIC: Bad Moon Rising by Creedence Clearwater Revival
0:22:07 > 0:22:10# I see a bad moon rising
0:22:12 > 0:22:15# I see trouble on the way... #
0:22:19 > 0:22:23OK, happy now? She's coming to live with me.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25That's it. Done. Should have done it in the first place.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27I think you should think through that decision.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Oh, give it a rest, love.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Still in charge, eh, Maureen?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32You do know why she's moving out of here?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34She attacked the warden.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37We had some Wi-Fi issues in the block.
0:22:37 > 0:22:42I tried to reboot her router and she hit me with her tablet PC device.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44I'm sure I don't need to tell you that aggressive behaviour
0:22:44 > 0:22:48can be a symptom of other problems which need to be addressed.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52I know.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53I'd have hit her as well.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00They've got a hydro-bath. I suppose it might be nice.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03A care home is like anything else, my love.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04It's what you make of it.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06If you go in there looking to enjoy yourself,
0:23:06 > 0:23:08you'll have the time of your life.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I mean, look at me.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13When I went inside I made some good friends, I've eaten well
0:23:13 > 0:23:15and I've been to see some good shows.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19My only regret was that I didn't go in earlier.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22So as long as I don't have to share.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24I've seen Big Brother.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27I don't want any of that hot-tub action.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37Carol.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Carol!
0:23:41 > 0:23:44He's stopped breathing.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46# It's getting dark, too dark to see... #
0:23:46 > 0:23:48SIREN BLARES
0:23:51 > 0:23:54# I feel I'm knocking on heaven's door... #
0:23:54 > 0:23:55DOOR BELL RINGS
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Mrs Mitchell, I'm from KC Walters, the estate agent's.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Is this a good time?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01MACHINE BEEPING
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Not really.
0:24:05 > 0:24:10# Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door... #
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Nice posh lunch, Maureen.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15It's better than going out, mucking with friends, innit, Joy?
0:24:15 > 0:24:16Yeah, perfect.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19All right if I put this curry sauce on the table?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Yeah, stick it where you like, Maureen.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- I hear you had a funny turn. - It's called sleep apnoea.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26You stop breathing when you go to sleep.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29See, that sounds serious to me.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31I can't believe they let you befriend him in the first place.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33If Joan hadn't given him mouth-to-mouth
0:24:33 > 0:24:35I don't know what we'd have done.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37But otherwise, nice morning?
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Yeah. Seeing baby stuff, felt a bit broody.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43I bet... What?!
0:24:43 > 0:24:46You know, for more grandchildren. What did you think I meant?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48I don't know. You know, you hear stories.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50I mean, there was that woman in Italy, wasn't there,
0:24:50 > 0:24:52- in the Guinness Book of Records. - I saw that.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- She was artificially inseminated. - She'd have to be.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56Oh!
0:24:57 > 0:25:01I tell you, I'm exhausted, I really am.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04I have literally not sat down all day.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Oh.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08You don't have to come and stay with us, Mum.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10You can go and live with Pauline and Phil if you want.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Look, Maureen... Who's Phil?
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Oh, you'll like him, Mum. He's not Egyptian.
0:25:16 > 0:25:21Look, I know I'm old, but I'm not completely insane.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24If I lived with Pauline I'd be dead within a week,
0:25:24 > 0:25:27and if I lived with you I'd go round the bend.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29If I'm getting people to look after me,
0:25:29 > 0:25:32then I want people who know what they're doing.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37- What are you having, Pauline? - I'm not having any.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Don't want an ickle tubby tummy like yours!
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Pauline, you're touching me inappropriately
0:25:43 > 0:25:46and you need to respect my personal boundaries.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49I think I've upset John.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Can you put a good word in for me?
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Oh, very firm.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Go to the gym, Alan?
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Here's your saveloy, Joan.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02She's changed her mind about the home, John, so it's back to the tip.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07If you don't like the food in there, Joan, just give us a ring
0:26:07 > 0:26:09and we'll come and get you.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Or we'll get your new boyfriend to come and get you.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Do me a favour! I'm not that desperate.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17I'm leaving him for Pauline.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19What about the house?
0:26:19 > 0:26:20We'll never sell it.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24We'll just die here, never having seen our grandchild again.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30You're squashing my chips, love.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35They didn't see the estate agent, that's the main thing, isn't it?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Did you settle up for these?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41How much do we owe you, Maureen?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Maureen, don't let them give you any money.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45These two aren't paying for anything.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Not until I've sorted out their pension shortfall.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51What?
0:26:56 > 0:26:58# Hit the road, Jack
0:26:58 > 0:27:01# And don't you come back no more No more, no more, no more
0:27:01 > 0:27:03# Hit the road, Jack
0:27:03 > 0:27:06# And don't you come back no more
0:27:06 > 0:27:07# What you say?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09# Hit the road, Jack
0:27:09 > 0:27:12# And don't you come back no more No more, no more, no more
0:27:12 > 0:27:14# Hit the road, Jack
0:27:14 > 0:27:18# And don't you come back no more
0:27:18 > 0:27:21# Oh, woman, oh, woman Don't treat me so mean
0:27:21 > 0:27:24# You're the meanest old woman that I've ever seen
0:27:24 > 0:27:26# I guess if you said so... #