0:00:03 > 0:00:09MUSIC: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year by Andy Williams
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# It's the most wonderful time of the year
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Ding dong... #
0:00:15 > 0:00:18We've got to get to the cars, we're going to miss the train!
0:00:18 > 0:00:20I love your gingerbread house. Is that for little Scarlett?
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Her first Christmas and I'm going to miss it.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26It's very Hansel and Gretel. I hope she's not afraid of witches!
0:00:26 > 0:00:30Well, she seems to get on OK with my daughter-in-law.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32700 miles for gluhwein and frankfurters.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34You can get them on the market in Lynn
0:00:34 > 0:00:36and they speak English there. Sort of.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38We've still got 20 minutes.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Lucky, considering we drove all the way
0:00:40 > 0:00:42from Cologne to Calais at 45mph.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46I was just being careful. We're targets with English number plates.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48I thought Joyce must have died and he'd slowed down out of respect.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Oh, come on, Maureen.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56I had to get some duty free perfume before the shop closed.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58You know, now we're in the European trade area,
0:00:58 > 0:01:00it's not really duty free any more.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02It's not really perfume, either.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03Oh, come on, hurry up.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06I hope there isn't a hold up, you know, a security alert
0:01:06 > 0:01:07or a fire in the tunnel.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11I get a bit claustrophobic in tunnels, my mouth gets very dry.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13How did you cope on the way over?
0:01:13 > 0:01:14Maybe we can all try it.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17I had a suck on Trevor's humbugs.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Maybe not.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25MUSIC: The Tears Of A Clown by Smokey Robinson
0:01:28 > 0:01:31# Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
0:01:32 > 0:01:36# Now if there's a smile on my face
0:01:36 > 0:01:40# It's only there trying to fool the public
0:01:40 > 0:01:44# But when it comes down to fooling you
0:01:44 > 0:01:48# Now, honey, that's quite a different subject
0:01:48 > 0:01:51# But don't let my glad expression... #
0:01:53 > 0:01:55BEAR PLAYS SILENT NIGHT
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Are we having Silent Night again?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Oh, don't be such a misery, Joyce, it's Christmas!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02I don't know why you picked that up.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05There were lots of other gifts that weren't tacky.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Did you find any?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Oh, hurry up.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11There are plenty of trains after this one.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13No, there aren't. The French are on strike.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15There's only one more after this one.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Bloody French. The sooner we fill this tunnel in, the better.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Here we are. Departures, check-in...
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Let me just check something.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Are we getting Le Shuttle or climbing Everest?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33You have to be ready for any eventuality.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37All sorts of security risks there - fire, bombs, all sorts.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Oh, I've got these inflatable neck pillows for everyone
0:02:40 > 0:02:41in case there's a delay in the tunnel.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43I feel a lot safer now.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Can we get a move on? It's Scarlett's first Christmas
0:02:45 > 0:02:47and I'm not taking any chances.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Oh, can I ask a question?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51You do know it's Scarlett's first Christmas?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- I think you did mention it... - Could I ask something?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55For the last time, you're not going to miss it.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Our train doesn't leave till 2.30. 2.30!
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Can I just ask a question?
0:03:00 > 0:03:01Yes, Trevor, what is it?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Is that 2.30, French time or English time?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- TANNOY ANNOUNCER:- 'The train scheduled to depart at 16 hours 16
0:03:11 > 0:03:12'will be the last departure today.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14'Please contact the Eurotunnel staff...'
0:03:14 > 0:03:17I knew this would happen. Knew it, knew it.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Come on, Joyce, you're not being very Christmassy.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22We've got an hour till the next train.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29I told her we were cutting it fine coming back on Christmas Eve,
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- but she wouldn't have it. - It's going to be fine.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Oh, that's it, take her side.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- I'm not taking her side. - I'm sorry I'm such a drag for you.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40I'm sure your life would be a lot easier if I was like Maureen.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42A bouncy little Christmas elf.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Would you rather be spending Christmas with her?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- No, I wouldn't. - You've always done it.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51She flutters her eyelashes at you and you start nodding like an idiot.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Don't be ridiculous.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Do you think we should set up camp? Grab some seats?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Good idea!
0:03:57 > 0:03:58There's some.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03THEY TALK GERMAN
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Why did you let them get there first?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Well, they're Germans - that's what they do.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Takes them five minutes to move in
0:04:18 > 0:04:20and five years for us to get them out.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Have you booked us on the next train?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24There's no need to, you just get straight on the next one.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26As long as you've got flexitickets.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- What?- You know, a flexiticket. Otherwise you have to queue.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Sometimes you have to wait there for hours.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Have we got flexitickets?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Yeah.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- You sure?- Course I'm sure.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39So we can just drive straight on the next train?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- Straight on.- Oh, that's a relief. - I know.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44- It's a good system, isn't it? - It's a brilliant system.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47- Keeps the traffic flowing. - Yeah, a constant flow of traffic.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49- I've got them, OK?- OK!
0:04:49 > 0:04:51It's just, you know what you're like,
0:04:51 > 0:04:52you don't always get it right.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Well, I have this time.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- Sorry.- It's all right, it's Christmas, everyone's tense.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58Just going to the loo.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- Trevor, can you get me a flexiticket? - I thought you had one.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- No.- Well, you told Joyce you've got one.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Just get online and get us on the next train.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Are you sure you haven't got one?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Because normally you get them automatically when you book online.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- We haven't got flexitickets, OK? - I don't understand.
0:05:14 > 0:05:19Oh, unless you did yours through a discount deal with vouchers.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22All right, I'll see if I can get on... Oh, no.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- Wi-Fi's down.- Trevor...
0:05:25 > 0:05:27You're doing it again.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30I feel a bit woozy.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Oh, thank you.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Probably need something to eat.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38It's just nerves, Carol.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41I hope there isn't an incident. Remember that fire they had?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43That was 20 years ago, Carol. You'll be fine.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46I told you I'm claustrophobic as well, didn't I?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48It doesn't have to be a small space...
0:05:48 > 0:05:50it's just knowing you can't get out.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52I had an attack at Linton Zoo once.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Trevor bought me a day feeding the animals.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56As soon as they closed the door on me
0:05:56 > 0:05:59in that tapir enclosure - bang!
0:05:59 > 0:06:00I went to pieces.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03To this day, I can't be around tapirs.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05How do you manage?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08John, have you got the yellow bag?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10- What yellow bag?- The one with all the passports in.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- You mean the brown bag. - It used to be yellow.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- It's actually brown now.- Yeah.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15So why don't you call it the brown bag?
0:06:15 > 0:06:18I don't know, it's just always been the yellow bag.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- Even though it's brown. - Have you got it or not?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22No.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Joyce, have you seen a yellow bag?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26- It's brown actually. - Oh, shut up, John.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30It's got all our passports in it and we'll be stuck here.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Oh, no! Oh, that's a disaster.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37Oh, well, it's been a lovely holiday, see you when you get back.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Your passports are in it, too.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Oh, no, ours are in Alan's bag. I put them in there.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47We thought they'd be better all in one place, didn't we, Al?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50It's fine, it's fine, it'll be in the shop, I'll just go and get it.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55Oh, Wi-Fi's back.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Alan's got a non-flexible booking.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02I'm just trying to get the booking website up.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03I don't think that's it.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Oh, Carol's been choosing her Christmas present.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Maureen's getting a foot spa.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10I decided against it in the end. If you look at the prices,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13you'll notice that the less material you get, the more money you pay.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Doesn't make economic sense.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Well, that's what I told Carol. She understood completely.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19You're both on the same wavelength.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- LAPTOP MAKES A POPPING SOUND - Now my battery's dying.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24I think mine's charging up.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27I can't get it.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31How long before we're in the tunnel? Have we missed any announcements?
0:07:31 > 0:07:32I'm getting a bit panicky.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34You'll be fine, Carol.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Maybe we could get the next one.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37There isn't a next one.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38What if it gets stuck?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Carol, we're getting on that train, pull yourself together.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Get further in.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45I can't get further in.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47You can. You're half in, you might as well go all the way.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50I don't know why we couldn't just leave the bags in the car.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52You can't leave anything tempting in the car.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54There's all these migrants in Calais.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- You know Tina?- Tina with the two boyfriends?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58No, Tina with the squint.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Well, she was in the queue for check-in last year,
0:08:01 > 0:08:02she got out of the car to stretch her legs,
0:08:02 > 0:08:05got back in, only found out when she got home
0:08:05 > 0:08:08there was a man hiding in the footwell behind her seat.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Must have got in while she was stretching her legs.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12She must have been terrified.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Well, at first, yeah.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Then she warmed to him.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17I think they're still together.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18She's living with him?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Well, she doesn't get many tugs on the line, Maureen,
0:08:21 > 0:08:22not with her eye.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- I've got it!- Well done, Joyce.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Now I can't get out.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30C'est ferme.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32- You what, love?- Je suis desolee, mais le magasin est ferme.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- Vous pouvez pas prendre ca. - What's she saying?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37She says it's closed.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40We know that. Can you give me a hand?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42No, it's ours. The bag's ours.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46C'est a nous, le baguette.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Oh, I didn't know you spoke French.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51I picked up a bit when I was doing some bikini modelling at a car
0:08:51 > 0:08:54show in Boulogne, just after we joined the EEC.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57That was when we still thought Europe could be sexy.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59What car was it?
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Princess. Obviously!
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- When you are ready!- Oh!
0:09:04 > 0:09:07MUSIC: Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- Hurry up. - It's still not connecting.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- Use your tablet.- Battery's flat.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13- It's a brown bag, not a yellow bag. - What?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Anyway, how am I supposed to know where it is?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18I just carry the bags, I don't know what's in them.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Christmas, eh?
0:09:19 > 0:09:21That's just two weeks of being dragged around to relatives
0:09:21 > 0:09:24and parties you wouldn't think twice about visiting
0:09:24 > 0:09:26- any other time of the year. - Still, onwards and upwards.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28And you spend your whole time being told off
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- cos you're not joining in or being Christmassy enough.- Yep.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Listening to them moan about how much cooking they have to do,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36and if you try and help, they tell you to get out of the kitchen.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Ah, it's not for us, is it, Christmas? It's for women.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- Women and bloody Germans. - That's a bit racist.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- What?- I don't believe in judging people by their colour or creed.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47That was very much part of my manifesto
0:09:47 > 0:09:50when I stood for the town council elections.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52- Creed? Who says creed?- Trevor.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54We live in a more tolerant day and age.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Can we get on? The tickets?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59I like Germans. They're very nice people.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01My dad liked them as well which is unusual for his generation.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Did he have German friends?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06No, they bombed his house. The council moved him into a nicer one.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07I'm not racist, am I?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10What, just because you judge people based on stereotypical, national
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- characteristics? No.- Thank you.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14- How else could you judge people you don't know?- Exactly.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17I like German culture, Trevor - we've just had a holiday there.
0:10:17 > 0:10:23In fact, I bought some German culture in a market in Cologne.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Now who's crude and tasteless?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Comedy Christmas stocking fillers.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- Comedy Christmas stocking fillers? - For the lads in the club.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Where's the funny bit?
0:10:32 > 0:10:33SANTA BEEPS
0:10:33 > 0:10:36'Ho, ho, ho! Frohe Weihnachten, baby!'
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Ah, OK.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Right, are we ready?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48- I just need the loo.- Course you do.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52This is no good.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Tell me about it.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Why does she leave everything to the last minute?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- It's too stressful. - It puts you on edge, doesn't it?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- Palpitations...- Exactly.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- ..shortness of breath... - Little bit of that.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04- ..can't get any air...- Definitely.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06I think it's a panic attack.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Oh, don't say that - that's all I need.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Oh, right.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15They remind me of someone, and I can't think who.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16It's driving me nuts.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Oh, yeah, it's going to keep me awake all night.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Oh, no, what's going to keep me awake all night is trying to sleep
0:11:21 > 0:11:23on these seats when we've missed our train.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26This isn't going to work. I need to charge up the tablet.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28There are sockets over there.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30- They're leaving.- Quick, get it. Go!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- We were going to grab that. - We have it.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- But you've already got a table. - All right, John.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- How many tables do they want? - I'm sorry, we have a lot of stuff.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42We've all got a lot of stuff. We don't spread it over half of Europe.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- Don't say that, John. - They've invaded our table!
0:11:45 > 0:11:46Or that.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Why can't that be the German table, this be the English table,
0:11:49 > 0:11:51and we can live together in peace and harmony.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Das macht nichts. Wir brauchen keinen tisch.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- Wir waren aber schon hier. - What did they say?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58It's fine, you have it.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59Danke.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01You need it for your tablet.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03I'll go to the flexi-lounge and book the tickets.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05So, we're just going to let them win, are we?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07They haven't 'won'.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Why does everything that involves Germans have to be about wars?
0:12:10 > 0:12:11- It doesn't.- Doesn't it?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14No, some of it's about football.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17- You're not ashamed of us, are you? - Yes, I am, actually.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20I mean, you come over to Europe and you act as though you own the place
0:12:20 > 0:12:21and think everybody here's an idiot.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25Germany is our European partner, John. You're stuck in the past.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- Well done,- It's not me, it's them.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32They're just very organised.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35I know who they remind me of, the Germans.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Three couples, similar ages.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40One's wearing glasses, and he's got a bumbag,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43another one a bit miserable and a normal one.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45- You're not miserable.- No, you are.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46I'm the normal one.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48And their wives - look at them.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Maureen, Carol, Joyce.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Spooky, eh?
0:12:51 > 0:12:56Ooh, look at that! You and Joyce together in Germany too.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57No escape.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58I need a drink.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05MUSIC: Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues
0:13:12 > 0:13:14# They've got cars big as bars
0:13:14 > 0:13:16# They've got rivers of gold
0:13:16 > 0:13:19# But the wind goes right through you It's no place for the old
0:13:19 > 0:13:20# When he first took my hand... #
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Just breathe slowly.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26That's the thing with panic attacks, you've got to breathe slowly,
0:13:26 > 0:13:27it's the only way to beat it.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29I tried that, Joyce, it doesn't work.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- Breathe quickly then.- I'm sorry, Joyce, I know you want to get back.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Look, I always keep a magic pill in the bottom of my bag,
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- for emergencies. - You have claustrophobia?
0:13:38 > 0:13:39No, I have Alan.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45TANNOY ANNOUNCER SPEAKS FRENCH
0:13:47 > 0:13:49HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:13:49 > 0:13:51- Bonjour.- Hello.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Oh! Erm, would you mind if I sat there?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- No, it's fine.- Thank you.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03That's very kind of you. Thank you very much.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06It's very nice to sample different culture.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Not the usual booze cruise, 'Brits abroad' fare.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Oh, I'm sorry I didn't mean to touch you.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17I didn't mean to touch her.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20I know that boundaries are very important to you guys.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22No worries.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23LAPTOP BLEEPS
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Whoops! You don't want to look at that.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27That's my wife's Christmas list.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Lucky you don't have to bother with it.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Christmas that is, not underwear.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33I mean not that you haven't got underwear.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34I'm sure you have.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36I hope you have.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38LAPTOP BLEEPS CONTINUOUSLY
0:14:44 > 0:14:47'We are experiencing a high volume of calls at the moment.'
0:14:47 > 0:14:50That's because people want to buy tickets and you are the ticket line.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- Trevor's wrong, you know. - Oh, hang on, I'm through.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56English people behave in an English way, German people behave in a German way.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Buy tickets.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01It's in your genes and your culture, isn't it?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Buy tickets.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Buy... Buy tickets!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08I know we're all European now, but we're always going to have our differences.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12It does correspond to one of the options! Don't...
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Didn't understand me, wouldn't let me finish.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16It's the computerized ticket line version of Joyce.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19We're always going to be on opposite sides of the divide, aren't we?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Will you stop banging on about the Germans.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24We're in the shuttle terminal, not the bloody Somme!
0:15:26 > 0:15:29I'm sorry about the table. Maybe we can still be friends, ja?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33German chocolate.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- You've got to give him something in return.- We've got no food.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- Give him a drink.- Schnapps.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40You like football?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46BEAR PLAYS SILENT NIGHT
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Come on, Maureen, we're going to miss the train.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Yeah, come on, Maur. Don't want to miss it.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06- You all right, love? - Yeah, she's fine, come on.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10OK, come on. First, let me go to the loo.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14- What's up with Carol? - What do you mean?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16She seems a bit wobbly.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18She looks all right to me.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23She's had some medication.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25What sort of medication?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Just a travel sickness pill. They do have side effects, don't they?
0:16:28 > 0:16:31They can make your mouth go all dry and that.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35They don't usually make you slam into walls, though.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Yeah, well there's different kinds of travel pills.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39What's she taken?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- Erm, Tramadol. - You gave her a Tramadol?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43No. I gave her two.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45You drugged her to try and get her on the train?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47She was having a panic attack, what was I supposed to do?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49She was suffering.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50Oh, my God.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54I did it to help her, because I care about her, Maureen.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58That's the difference between us - when my friends need drugs,
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I'm willing to step up to the plate and deliver.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04She looks like a gazelle that's been shot with a tranquillizer.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05They don't normally do that to me.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08They do if you've been drinking.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Oh, my God, she's had it!
0:17:11 > 0:17:12I need a Valium, have you got any left?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- One.- Can I have it?
0:17:14 > 0:17:15- No.- Why not?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17I gave it to Carol.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22# Are you hanging up your stocking on your wall? #
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- You must have known what would happen.- Must I?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Do any of us know what's going to happen when we take these things?
0:17:28 > 0:17:31I mean you read the labels on the packet but you can still get
0:17:31 > 0:17:36a random reaction. I mean, we're all just experimenting, really.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37She's not in there.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42We're going to miss it.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45That gingerbread house I bought for Scarlett's going to go to waste.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- What about Carol? - She doesn't like gingerbread.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49What are we going to do about her?
0:17:49 > 0:17:51- I don't know! - MAUREEN'S PHONE BEEPS
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- Oh, it's Carol.- Where is she?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57"Gon find lift back Germny - plenty lorries here.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00"Don wait for me. Smiley face."
0:18:00 > 0:18:02# Everybody's having fun... #
0:18:03 > 0:18:06So, are you visiting family in England?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Oh, no, no. We just ride on our bikes. Vroom-vroom! Ja!
0:18:10 > 0:18:14We ride around Europe, we go where we like.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15What about your family?
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Oh, they do their own thing, we do our own thing.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Your Christmas is probably the same, ja?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Pretty much. Apart from the motorbikes.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27- And everything else.- Noch ein?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Are we going to pick sides?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33- OK. Who's picking?- Me and you.- OK.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- I feel guilty.- What for?
0:18:37 > 0:18:38I don't know.
0:18:38 > 0:18:39- You pick first.- OK.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Are we actually going to play football?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- It's only a kickabout, Al. - I don't want a kickabout.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Alan, they've just offered us the hand of friendship,
0:18:46 > 0:18:47we can't throw it back in their face.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49OK, well, I think it's best if we stick together.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- Don't want the language issue getting in the way.- Sure.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- Just makes sense to have English versus German.- Right.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57More fun that way. Doesn't matter who wins and who loses, does it?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59- Course not.- Who will you choose? - Him.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07It's some kind of misunderstanding. It's a cultural thing.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10I'm sure it is, sir, but the lady made a complaint.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11You touched her with your legs.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13I do understand about cultural differences -
0:19:13 > 0:19:17I'm not your loutish average Brit abroad - I am a town councillor.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't realise you were a VIP.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23That's quite all right, you weren't to know...
0:19:23 > 0:19:25You're being sarcastic, aren't you?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27No, don't take my tablet!
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Why not, sir, you got something on there you don't want anybody to see?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Where are we going?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40The freight area. She's looking for lorries - she'll come here.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- I can't do this.- Yes, you can.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- I can't!- Think of Scarlett's gingerbread house.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46You're right, I can do it.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Think of Sue's roast turkey dinner.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49I can't do it.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Go back to Scarlett's gingerbread house.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53There she is.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58MUSIC: 99 Luftballons by Nena
0:20:27 > 0:20:29When you get to England, you'll find a lot of English people
0:20:29 > 0:20:31have preconceived ideas about Germans.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Even today? That's crazy.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I know, but you can't all be good at taking penalties.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41You want a ride?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Are you all right?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45She's just asked me if I want to go for a ride.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Playing it cool, eh?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49- Well, go on. We've got ten minutes. - What about the tickets?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Trevor's got the tickets. He'd have called if there was a problem.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Tell her you're coming.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56When else are you going to get a chance to ride on a motorbike?
0:20:56 > 0:20:57- Ja?- OK.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02No, you're all right, love.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05- Hi.- Hi, Carol.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09I haven't found the bar yet.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11My teeth feel big.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Do they look big?
0:21:12 > 0:21:16We've been looking everywhere for you. The train's leaving soon.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17I'm not coming back.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19What do you mean, you're not coming back?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Don't be silly. Come on down, we'll catch you.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- It's Trevor.- What about him?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27I don't want to spend another Christmas with him.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- He's boring.- Oh, God.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- What?- She's having a flashback.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32- Not any more.- What?
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Trevor used to be boring, but now you like him again, remember?
0:21:36 > 0:21:41- No.- Yeah, you sorted it out. It was a communication problem.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- A what?- A communication prob... Oh, I'm not doing this.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Come on, Carol, we've only got a few minutes.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Ooh-oh!
0:21:48 > 0:21:50My God, she's pulled!
0:21:50 > 0:21:52What are you doing?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Oh, it's all right, we're her friends. We've come to get her.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57They're not my friends.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58- I don't think she wants to go. - She does.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01She wants to go to Germany. I'm going to Poznan.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03I said I'd give her a lift as far as Dresden.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05She lives in Norfolk.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08I've been to Norfolk, she's better off in Dresden.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10How are you going to get back, love?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12I'll find another lorry.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15See? People don't understand how easy it is to travel around Europe
0:22:15 > 0:22:17with truckers. We're the knights of the road.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19They're an international brotherhood.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21That's exactly right, that, Carol.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26We can't leave her here with a lorry driver.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Hey, don't judge a book by its cover, love.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Maybe we should wait till she's feeling better.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36We're not waiting, Maureen, she's absolutely fine.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Cup of tea and a croissant, she'll be right as rain.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
0:22:47 > 0:22:49So, what do we do now?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51We've had a lot of people coming through with illegal stuff -
0:22:51 > 0:22:53drugs, obscene material.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55I completely understand.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56It's a routine thing.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58It's only because security were called,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00we're just going through the motions.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04OK. Erm, that thing out there with the lady -
0:23:04 > 0:23:06I think that's a cultural issue...
0:23:06 > 0:23:10- I'm sure.- ..because I'm not that kind of person at all.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- Can we look in the bag, please? - Of course.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15There's not much in there - just a few travel essentials
0:23:15 > 0:23:18and, oh, some presents for the kids.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26- SANTA BEEPS - 'Ho, ho, ho! Frohe Weihnachten, baby!'
0:23:27 > 0:23:32Did I mention that I've got a flexiticket?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34MUSIC: Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head by Barry Manilow
0:23:34 > 0:23:37# Raindrops keep falling on my head
0:23:38 > 0:23:44# And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed
0:23:44 > 0:23:47# Nothing seems to fit
0:23:47 > 0:23:51# Those raindrops keep falling on my head
0:23:51 > 0:23:53# They keep falling
0:23:53 > 0:23:56# So I just did me some talk... #
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Well, that's comfy.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Which way is it?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06I don't know, Maureen, I've lost track.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08- Track! - MAUREEN LAUGHS
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Well, I think it's quite exciting.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14If I was home with Mum, we'd be making bread sauce
0:24:14 > 0:24:17and she'd be telling me all about her feet.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21# I said I didn't like the way he got things done... #
0:24:24 > 0:24:26So, what do you think? You like the ride?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Yeah, great fun, thanks.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29When you get back to England,
0:24:29 > 0:24:32maybe you and your wife should think about getting a motorbike?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- Very cool!- Like Alain Delon and Marianne Faithfull.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37- Or Wallace and Gromit. - THEY LAUGH
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Hello, my little bratwurst.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Why aren't you ready?
0:24:43 > 0:24:46- We were just...- Waiting for Trevor. - Waiting for Trevor.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48- Why are you waiting for Trevor? - Why are we waiting for Trevor?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- He's gone to get the tickets. - Exactly.- What tickets?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53- Oh, no, not the tickets... - The flexitickets.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55- No, no, not the tickets.- Why not?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- I thought we already had flexitickets.- OK.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59- I thought we did have them.- Alan...
0:24:59 > 0:25:02It was the small print, you know what these print-out tickets are like.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04- Have you been sorting it?- Of course!
0:25:04 > 0:25:07We've been literally pounding away on the internet trying to get it sorted.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Alan, here's the selfie of us on the bike.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Whizz me your e-mail address, I send it for you.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Well, aren't you going to whizz her your e-mail address?
0:25:15 > 0:25:18- I couldn't get through on the phone. - How could you be so irresponsible?
0:25:18 > 0:25:20What's up with Carol?
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Don't interrupt, John, I'm talking to Alan.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Do you know what? It's fine.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27You couldn't be bothered to take care of something
0:25:27 > 0:25:29that was so simple, but so important.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Hey, come on, it's OK, Trevor's on his way back
0:25:32 > 0:25:35and we've got a few minutes to spare.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Or not.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- You got everything? - Er, yes, yes. Erm...
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Thanks, thanks very much for your help.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44- Right, take care, now. - Thanks, you too.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48- Keep yourself to yourself, eh? - Yeah, yep, yeah. You too.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- What's that about?- Just a mix-up.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- Have you got the tickets? - Sorry, no, I couldn't get online.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57That was part of the mix-up.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58You should have stayed here.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00We got on brilliant with the Germans in the end.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02- Yeah!- Oh, hi.- Hi-i-i...- You OK?
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- TANNOY ANNOUNCER:- 'We would like to announce that
0:26:05 > 0:26:07'the final departure of the day is now boarding...'
0:26:07 > 0:26:08I'm fine.
0:26:10 > 0:26:11What are you going to do?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13You lot just get on the train.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Yeah, we'll get a hotel and come back tomorrow.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Come on, Alan, let's see if we can find somewhere to stay.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24You're right. I'm not as keen to get back as you are.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28It's all right, Alan, you don't have to apologise,
0:26:28 > 0:26:29- it just gets boring, doesn't it? - Listen...
0:26:29 > 0:26:31I'll try and make the rest of Christmas
0:26:31 > 0:26:34as painless as possible for you.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36How I'm going to do that, I don't know,
0:26:36 > 0:26:38starting off in a dive hotel in Calais.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Listen, the reason I'm not so keen
0:26:40 > 0:26:42is because we always spend time with other people at Christmas.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Yeah, that's what people do at Christmas.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47But I always thought we were a bit different.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48You know what I mean, don't you?
0:26:48 > 0:26:51First date we ever went on together?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53To see The Discreet Charm Of The Bourgeoisie.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55December 23rd.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57I remember standing outside the cinema,
0:26:57 > 0:27:00watching you walk across the road from the station.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04It was minus six. I'd been waiting there for over an hour
0:27:04 > 0:27:07but I told you I'd only been there for five minutes.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10That's Christmas, Joyce.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Every now and again, you pull one out of the bag, don't you?
0:27:22 > 0:27:25I thought the film was Confessions Of A Window Cleaner?
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Yeah, I know, but it doesn't sound as romantic, does it?
0:27:28 > 0:27:32- TANNOY ANNOUNCER:- 'This is the final call for the 16.16 departure...'
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Not like the Germans to be last on.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37That's lazy stereotyping, Maureen. They're just people, same as us.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Just joking. Course they are.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Just a bit tartier.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45- Right, ready?- Yeah.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46Carol still nervous about the trip?
0:27:46 > 0:27:48No, I think she's a bit calmer now.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50CAROL SNORES
0:27:50 > 0:27:54- Well...- You go. I'm sure there's a train tomorrow that we can get.
0:27:58 > 0:27:59What are you doing?
0:27:59 > 0:28:00We're staying with you.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02You don't want to do that.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Oh, yes, we do.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Can't spend Christmas on your own, you two.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Oh, yes, we can...
0:28:08 > 0:28:09Trevor'll book us all a hotel.
0:28:09 > 0:28:10Five-star only, Trev.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Merry Christmas, Joyce!
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Anyone hungry?
0:28:20 > 0:28:21Not that hungry.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23I'm thirsty.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26# Wish I was at home for Christmas
0:28:28 > 0:28:30# Wish I could be dancing now
0:28:30 > 0:28:32# In the arms of the girl I love
0:28:32 > 0:28:35# Mary Bradley waits at home
0:28:35 > 0:28:37# She's been waiting two years' long
0:28:41 > 0:28:45# Wish I was at home for Christmas. #
0:28:46 > 0:28:49SLEIGH BELLS JINGLE