0:00:08 > 0:00:11It's not about being a man wanting to sit in the front, Carol,
0:00:11 > 0:00:13it's about me being three feet taller.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15I get car sick if I read in the back.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Well, don't read. How far is it to this christening?
0:00:18 > 0:00:19- Hour and a half.- Great.
0:00:19 > 0:00:23- And it's not a christening, it's a naming ceremony.- Even better.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27I've got to read. I've joined this online creative writing course.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30- I'm just working on something. - Why don't you read us some? Go on!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32- No, I couldn't do that! - Oh, go on!- No!
0:00:32 > 0:00:34She doesn't want to, Maureen, don't force her.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Although my tutor is encouraging the class to seek out friends'
0:00:38 > 0:00:40opinions to help us develop creatively.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43It all sounds very exciting, what is it?
0:00:43 > 0:00:44It's an erotic novel.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Although if she wants to read it, then perhaps
0:00:47 > 0:00:49we could all learn something.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Chapter One - Faint Stirrings.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Anyone want anything from the shop?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Ear plugs.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01The sun burned a blazing orange as its rays spread out over
0:01:01 > 0:01:03the Norfolk coast.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05It was morning in Norfolk.
0:01:05 > 0:01:11MUSIC: The Tears Of A Clown by Smokey Robinson & the Miracles.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19# Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
0:01:19 > 0:01:23# Now if there's a smile on my face
0:01:23 > 0:01:27# It's only there trying to fool the public
0:01:27 > 0:01:30# But when it comes down to fooling you
0:01:30 > 0:01:35# Now honey that's quite a different subject
0:01:35 > 0:01:37# But don't let my glad expression... #
0:01:37 > 0:01:41All I'm saying is, she's our granddaughter
0:01:41 > 0:01:43and we never get to see her.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47There's more pictures of Bigfoot than there are of me and that baby.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Why are you wearing that jacket? You've got so many nice ones.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54A lot of my friends warned me this would happen
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- their daughters-in-laws are all the same - control freaks.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Do you know what it's like dealing with people like that?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02It must be difficult.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Plus, Lee's got his new job.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07I don't think he's happy there, Alan. He's not been himself.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08She's forced him into it for the money.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11They've always got her mum and dad to tap up.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Vaughan and Sally are loaded.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16I wouldn't say they were loaded, just cos they've got a big house.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- They've got a boat. - Lots of people have got boats.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21With a staircase?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24We should talk to Lee, ask them if they need anything.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25We can't afford it.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27It doesn't have to be much, just a gesture.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Money's always short when you've got little ones.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Remember us when we were starting out?
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Remember us now?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- I'm going to talk to Lee.- No. No, I'll talk to him.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Don't be silly, you can't talk to him, Alan.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39You two never communicate.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41We talk all the time.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42About football.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43That's still talking.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45CAR HORN BEEPS
0:02:50 > 0:02:55- Not a bad little run-around is she, John?- The car or Carol?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Because that book she's writing is pretty racy
0:02:57 > 0:02:59if chapter three's anything to go by.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02I know! Even Matthias never did anything like that with me.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06- Who's Matthias?- My German exchange student at school.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08I must have told you about him.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- No.- Shall I help her?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Oh, I had to put the child locks on.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Carol was making loom bands on the door handles last week
0:03:15 > 0:03:18and nearly pulled it open on the A402.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22Just press the button on the handle, love! The red button!
0:03:22 > 0:03:24That's it!
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Oh, are you all right?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28I'm fine!
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Hi!
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- You look lovely, Joyce, very grandma.- Oh, thank you.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Very granny.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Yeah.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Very granny-gran-gran.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Yeah, all right, Maureen.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41So exciting for you and Alan.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Your first grandchild being christened.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46It's a naming ceremony, Carol, not a christening.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48I'm all for experiencing new things.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- You weren't enjoying Carol's book very much.- That's not true.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54- You had the radio on all the way. - Music relaxes me when I'm driving.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- It wasn't tuned in.- Why can't they just have a christening in a church
0:03:57 > 0:03:59so we all know where we are?
0:03:59 > 0:04:00You're suddenly religious, are you?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03You don't have to be religious to have a christening.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05That's the whole point of being a Christian - you don't
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- have to believe in anything. - Still you get to hold the baby.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11If Suze lets me get within ten feet of her, yes.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13You'll see plenty of her today, I'm sure.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16I will, because today's going to be different.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19I'm putting my foot down and I'm asserting my rights.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23I'm giving Scarlet our family heirlooms.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26MUSIC: Valerie by The Zutons.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35It's a wishing tree.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37So what you do is, you write your wish for Scarlet on the tag
0:04:37 > 0:04:39and then you attach it to the tree.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Oh, that's lovely. Isn't that lovely, Joyce?
0:04:43 > 0:04:47- Hello, Letty!- Scarlet! - I always call her Letty!
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Even though her name's Scarlet.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51We haven't missed the photos, have we?
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- No, we're going to do some later. - All together?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Of course, the whole family!
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Stop worrying, Joyce, you're not going to miss anything!
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Grandmothers give us memories, don't they, Scarlet?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Alan!
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Suze, we wanted to give you this for Scarlet.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12It's Alan's christening dress.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- I was smaller back then. - Lee wore it too.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18I thought it would be nice to pass something down through the family.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Shall I hold Scarlet?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Hi, Mum!
0:05:22 > 0:05:26- Oh, she has got gran's eyes, hasn't she Suze?- Yeah.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28I can see a lot of Lee in her.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31You can see Alan's side of the family round the nose.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32Can you?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34I can, Alan, yes.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35We weren't expecting presents,
0:05:35 > 0:05:38we hoped people would donate to the charity we put on the invites.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Oh, you've done that, too, haven't you, Alan?
0:05:42 > 0:05:47Yes, well, anyway, this is just a little something extra really.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50It has been professionally dry cleaned since Lee wore it.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52You can't see the blood now.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Alan got a nose bleed renouncing the devil at Lee's christening.
0:05:56 > 0:06:01And this is a locket that belonged to my grandmother.
0:06:01 > 0:06:07And there's space inside for a picture of someone special.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Maybe someone in the family.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Thanks for this, but, Joyce, I did explain,
0:06:10 > 0:06:13today is a naming day, not a christening.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Be a shame not to use it, though, wouldn't it?
0:06:15 > 0:06:16Shall I pop her in it?
0:06:16 > 0:06:19No, Joyce, not to worry. Mum and dad had a naming gown
0:06:19 > 0:06:22especially handmade for Scarlet in France!
0:06:22 > 0:06:23Actually, I should take Scarlet for her nap,
0:06:23 > 0:06:26so she doesn't get testy later.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27She's so like you, Joyce.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33My course tutor gave me an A for my last piece.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37I had to imagine I was an item of household furniture.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40I was a Welsh dresser. Did you read it?
0:06:40 > 0:06:44- It's on my iPad. - This is very sturdy, isn't it?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46You've not really engaged with my writing have you, Trevor?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- I am, I have, I think it's nice.- Nice?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52That's what you say when I tell you I'm writing an erotic novel?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Well, no-one's ever said that to me before,
0:06:54 > 0:06:56I don't know what the correct response is. Ole?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- You're not embarrassed about it, are you?- No, of course I'm not.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Because, you know, I'm trying to express myself more now.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03I know you are.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Part of our therapy is to explore our individuality jointly.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Exactly. I love jointly exploring things, it's just...
0:07:11 > 0:07:12What is it?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15You know you can talk to me about anything that's bothering you.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17I just don't know how good it is.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19OK.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21You said I could say anything.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22I didn't mean it!
0:07:22 > 0:07:25OK, well, you can see how confusing that might be?
0:07:25 > 0:07:30- Are you saying I'm embarrassing you, is that it?- No, of course not!
0:07:30 > 0:07:34I'm just not sure who's going to be interested in a book
0:07:34 > 0:07:35based on our sex lives.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Who said it was about our sex life?
0:07:37 > 0:07:38I read chapter five.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Threw them back in my face. In my face!
0:07:48 > 0:07:51We're the poor relations. They're cutting us off.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Did you talk to him yet?
0:07:53 > 0:07:54I haven't had a chance.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57He's your son! You've got to talk to him.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- In a minute. - Talk to him Alan, now!
0:07:59 > 0:08:02You've got to bond with him otherwise we'll lose them all!
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- Did you see the match on... - Not about football!
0:08:10 > 0:08:11How's it going?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14We need the lights for this evening, but I can't get them to work.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16I don't understand Vaughan's electrics.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Dad'll help you.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Have you tried the ring main?
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Yeah. I think so. What's the ring main?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Come on.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28MUSIC: Don't Get Me Wrong by The Pretenders.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34You going to ask Vaughan about joining his sailing club?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Yeah, but I don't think we should be using their christening as a way to
0:08:37 > 0:08:39schmooze our way into a boat club.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41It's not "a" boat club. It's The Royal Anglia.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43You've been trying to get in there for years.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46All you have to do is play up our connections a bit.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47What connections? We hardly know them.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Alan and Joyce are practically family.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Their Lee was like a son to me.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54No, he wasn't. You called him Len till he was 12!
0:08:54 > 0:08:55What harm can it do to ask?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57But do we really want to join that kind of club?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- Are they our kind of people? - What do you mean?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02All those refined, upmarket types.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- People like me, you mean? - I'll go and find him.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07# Don't get me wrong
0:09:09 > 0:09:11# If I'm acting so... #
0:09:11 > 0:09:17Oh, hello, beautiful! She's so beautiful, isn't she?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- We couldn't be more proud. - Neither could we.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Even though we've got four others already!
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- Four! Oh, you are lucky! - I know!
0:09:25 > 0:09:28You won't be able to spend much time with this one,
0:09:28 > 0:09:30- then, will you? - Of course we will!
0:09:30 > 0:09:32- No, you won't! - I think we will!
0:09:32 > 0:09:35You don't want to spread yourself too thin, Sally.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36Why don't you give her to me for a bit?
0:09:36 > 0:09:39I was going to put her down for her nap.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43She can stay up for a bit longer, it's her special day!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46She doesn't need to go down! Hello, gorgeous!
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Yeah, I think I'd better get her inside.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Letty! Letty!
0:09:50 > 0:09:53This your first naming ceremony, Vaughan?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Yep, Suze and Lee were adamant they didn't want a church ceremony.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58I have to say we supported them.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01I don't like organised religion either. I'm an atheist, thank God!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Wouldn't be seen dead in a church, me.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Well, eventually I suppose.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I'd rather be buried at sea, that's where I feel at home.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- You're a sailing man, John? - Aye-aye, skipper.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15- Me, too.- No way! - Are you a member anywhere?
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Funny you should ask.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- I'm actually in between clubs at the moment.- Thank you.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Can you see all right?
0:10:26 > 0:10:27- Yep.- Good.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33- Suze OK?- Yeah, great. - Great.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35- And Scarlet?- Great, yeah.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40Great. And, er, what about the job?
0:10:40 > 0:10:44- What about it?- Is that great? - It's all right.- Great.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Do you think we'll get a left back before the transfer deadline?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50- I hope so. We need one.- We do need one, don't we?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58You grabbing a bit of cuddle time?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Yeah, trying to avoid Lee's mum. She's a bit full-on!
0:11:01 > 0:11:06Oh, she's completely mental. Around babies, I mean. In a good way.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Not in a snatch them out of hospital and bring them up
0:11:09 > 0:11:11as your own kind of way.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14So Trevor tells me you work part-time at a hospice?
0:11:14 > 0:11:15That must be very rewarding.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19People check in, they die, they check in, they die.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- It can get a bit samey.- Mmm.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23That's office work for you, though, isn't it?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Actually, I'm doing an online writing course.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27I'm writing a novel.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- Oh, that's fascinating! - Nobody else seems very interested.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32I'm interested.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I know a lot of people who are into self-publishing.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Really?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Oh, what's up, little one?
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Poor thing! So how do you self-publish, then?
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- Well, what you have to do is... - BABY GROANS
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Oh, you really are cross about something, aren't you?
0:11:46 > 0:11:49She's fine, just put her down for a minute.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Is it online publishing?
0:11:51 > 0:11:52- Shall I feed her?- Perfect!
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- Thought I'd lost you there for a minute!- So did I.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57We were just talking, Joyce.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59I was about to feed her, Joyce.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01I can do that, Suze, if you want to mingle.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04That's OK, Joyce, you enjoy your wine, Mum can take her.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05She doesn't drink around children.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Sally's coming for a little chat with me, aren't you, Sally?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11I'll do it, then.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14What about the family photos? When we having them?
0:12:14 > 0:12:15We've already done them.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18We were looking for you but we couldn't find you anywhere.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23I'm not sure you're meant to fiddle with that bit.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26They tell you that because they don't want you to fix it yourself.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28They say the same thing about washing machines and dishwashers.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30I just ignore it.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Didn't you electrocute yourself fixing your dishwasher?
0:12:32 > 0:12:36No, I electrocuted your mother. All done.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40Family pulls together in crisis, nails it.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41- That was fun.- Yeah.
0:12:41 > 0:12:49Listen, I wanted to talk to you, you know, before about, you know,
0:12:49 > 0:12:50jobs and whatnot.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Right, sure.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Are you...?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Do you...?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00I mean, how are you feeling?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02SWITCH FLICKS
0:13:02 > 0:13:03You can tell me later.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- It's no problem at all, I'll propose you.- That's very kind.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- We're always looking for new meat. - Maureen will be pleased.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16- Is that Maureen over there? - Yeah, she loves to meet new people.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- She likes to meet new people? - Oh, yes. Our kind of people,
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- if you know what I mean.- I think I do, John.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Does she like getting her hands dirty on deck?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27She's not a huge sailor but she'll certainly join in.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- She'll be able to cope with a few swinging booms?- I expect so!
0:13:29 > 0:13:33So you think that Sally and I are your type of people, John?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35I do, Vaughan. I really do.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39How could you blow the fuse?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41I thought you were going to get someone round!
0:13:41 > 0:13:45- We didn't think it looked that complicated.- Who's we?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47- Me and Dad.- How are we going to heat up the food?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50I still haven't fed Scarlet. How am I going to heat up her frozen puree?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Now I'm going to have to get my breasts out
0:13:52 > 0:13:54and feed her during the ceremony to keep her quiet.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56She's going to have to get her breasts out, Alan.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58That's where you've got us to.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00- Sorry.- We need ice.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Oh, do you put ice on them first? That's a good idea!
0:14:04 > 0:14:05We never used to do that in our day.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08For the drinks and milk, to keep it all cold!
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- And some soya formula milk.- I'll go. - You'll get the wrong thing.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I'll go, you tell them to hold off on the ceremony for ten minutes.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17- Mum can look after Scarlet. - I'll look after her.- Where's Mum?
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Please. Trust me. I have done it before.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22BABY CRIES
0:14:24 > 0:14:28The thing about boats, John, is that one gets so used to handling
0:14:28 > 0:14:31ones own vessel, there are no surprises left any more.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Running your fingers over that all too familiar bow with its...
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Clapped-out rigging, sagging boom?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39I miss the feeling of tussling with a new vessel, John, taming it,
0:14:39 > 0:14:44working out how to make it perform to its optimum potential.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Maybe I could handle yours and you could handle mine, John?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Yeah... What do you mean?
0:14:48 > 0:14:49Top up?
0:14:53 > 0:14:54Oh, my God.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- You asked him yet? - Er, no, not yet.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- Why not?- I'm just waiting for the right moment.
0:15:00 > 0:15:05- I'll ask him.- No, no, no, I'll do it.- Maureen! Maureen!
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- Nice party.- It's going well. - Carol's loving it.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15- Is that Carol over there?- Yep. - Do you and Carol sail?
0:15:15 > 0:15:19No. I wish she was more interested in conventional pastimes.
0:15:19 > 0:15:24- Is she a bit of a non-conformist? - Very much so. She's writing a novel
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- and it's a little bit racy. - Oh, that's interesting.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29- Vaughan.- John! Have you decided yet?
0:15:29 > 0:15:30Well, I've got a couple of questions.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Fire away, mate. John's joining our sailing club.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- I'm thinking about it. - Dipping his toe in the water.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- Just my toe.- That's all you need... - Good.- ..for now.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Oh, Dawn, another splash of vino?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43I've just been telling Vaughan about Carol's novel.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44I wouldn't if I were you.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47I mean, I try to be supportive but sometimes she goes beyond normal.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50You know what I mean by "beyond normal"?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- Yeah, I think I do.- Probably don't need to go into it now though, eh?
0:15:53 > 0:15:56I just find it hard to go along with some of the things Carol
0:15:56 > 0:15:57wants to do.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Marriage is about indulging our partner's fantasies though,
0:16:00 > 0:16:01- isn't it?- Yes, it is.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04You've got to keep each other's dreams alive, Trevor.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06We may not share our partner's passions.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10As long as our passion for our partner isn't diminished.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Excuse me, I've got to circulate.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Oh, you go ahead. A host has to spread himself around!
0:16:15 > 0:16:17I do my best.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24This feels like kidnapping.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Rubbish, Joyce, she's your granddaughter,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30you're entitled to some quality time with her.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31I am, aren't I?
0:16:31 > 0:16:35And your family needs photos of you with the baby.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38They do, they're always asking for them.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Perfect!
0:16:41 > 0:16:45I just want her to grow up knowing about her family and the history
0:16:45 > 0:16:48and knowing that she's part of that history, even if
0:16:48 > 0:16:50her mum doesn't want her to be.
0:16:50 > 0:16:55- Do you want a cuddle?- Aw!- With Scarlet.- Oh, course I do!
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Wasn't there another jewel on the front of that thing?
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Oh, no! I can't see it.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10- Oh, my God.- What? - It's up her nose.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17Trev, this is purely hypothetical, but what would you say
0:17:17 > 0:17:20if someone wanted to share something very important to you?
0:17:20 > 0:17:21Such as?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Something very personal. Something you really care about.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- You talking about garden tools? - No.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- You're not after my leaf-blower again, are you?- It doesn't matter.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32- I told you, if you want it, you just have to ask.- Forget it, Trev.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36- Hi.- Hi.- You should carry on with your book.- What?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38I don't want to be the person who stifles your dreams.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- That's your course tutor's job. - I'm so glad you said that.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- Are you?- Yes, because I've decided to publish it!
0:17:45 > 0:17:49- Great! What do you mean? - I'm going to self-publish it online!
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Online? But the whole world would see it!
0:17:52 > 0:17:53I know, isn't it amazing?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55And you don't have to worry about the cost.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57We're going to crowd-source it!
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- What's happening? Can you reach it? - I'm trying to.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Is it still there? Have you got it?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Yeah, I got it five minutes ago, Maureen, I'm just
0:18:08 > 0:18:12looking for the engagement ring I lost on Camber Sands in 1982!
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- Al, you got a minute?- What is it?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Shoot me down in flames if you want,
0:18:24 > 0:18:27but what is your thinking on being with other people?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29How do you mean, being with other people?
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I mean, would you and Joyce ever consider sharing intimate
0:18:32 > 0:18:34moments with another couple?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36I don't think so. We don't get many to begin with,
0:18:36 > 0:18:40- I don't want to start handing them out willy-nilly.- I'm serious!
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Vaughan wants to join his sailing club, but he's into mix and match.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45- What?- He is!
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Just goes to show you, doesn't it? You never know about people.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Dreadful. He's really gone down in my estimation.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- I wonder why he's never asked me? - What do I do?
0:18:55 > 0:18:58You can't do it, John! It's perverted. It's disgusting.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00- It's free mooring.- John.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Maureen wants me to join! She's desperate.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- Not that desperate, surely? - I'm not going to do it, obviously,
0:19:06 > 0:19:08but what if I just play along until we're in?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10You can't lie about it.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13You pretended to be Catholic to get Lee into that school.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Didn't do him any good, though.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19You said I should follow my dreams!
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Yes, follow normal dreams! Follow your dreams if they're normal!
0:19:23 > 0:19:27Owning a beach hut is a normal dream. Publishing your husband's
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- details on your Facebook group is not!- Nobody's going to know.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Everybody knows those books are based on personal experiences.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38- No, they don't.- Everybody knows! - No, they don't!
0:19:38 > 0:19:42- Dawn, this is Carol. And this is Trevor!- THE Trevor?
0:19:45 > 0:19:49# If you want my body and you think I'm sexy
0:19:49 > 0:19:52# Come on sugar let me know
0:19:53 > 0:19:55# If you really need me... #
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- John! You all right?- Yep. I'm good. - Don't worry, mate.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02- Your membership, it's all sorted, you're in.- Great! The thing is...
0:20:02 > 0:20:04- Damn. Maureen doesn't want to join? - Well...
0:20:04 > 0:20:06- She does want to join? - In principle, but...
0:20:06 > 0:20:10Look, John, a lot of people can be a bit parochial or small-minded about
0:20:10 > 0:20:14things like this, but I could tell you're not small minded, are you?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17- I voted Lib Dem at the last council elections.- Well, there you go.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19But I think we ought to read the membership forms
0:20:19 > 0:20:20properly before we...
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- Oh, you don't want to bother with formalities like that.- Don't we?
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Look at Sally. She's always had an athletic build.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31You might not know it, but you can crack a walnut between those thighs.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33I bet she comes in handy at Christmas!
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Listen, Vaughan, we should clear something up.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40- Do you smoke, John?- Not any more. - I'm not talking about cigarettes.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Step into my office.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Shut the door, you'll let the women in!
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Don't worry. Mark had a marble stuck up his nose for a week once.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00I'm not leaving it in there, it's a family heirloom.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04- Got it!- Well done!- Sorry, Letty.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06It's all right, it's not your fault.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07It is my fault!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10You know if you're worried about not spending enough time with
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Scarlet, you should tell Suze. She's very nice, she'll understand.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17- You just have to be honest with her. - I know. I will, I promise.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21- Joyce? You in there with Scarlet? - Lie! Lie! Lie!
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- Joyce? We're ready to start. - We're just changing her!
0:21:24 > 0:21:26The door's locked.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Just looking for the key! Where's the key, Maureen?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33It's in the... I don't know!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38She's been introducing us saying this is Trevor,
0:21:38 > 0:21:42he's the inspiration behind the main sexual protagonist in the novel.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45- Good for you.- I don't think people want to talk about that stuff.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- Don't, then.- And I certainly don't know who's going to be
0:21:48 > 0:21:50interested in a book about our sex lives.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Nobody! Nobody's interested, Trevor.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Vaughan, about the sailing thing...
0:21:54 > 0:21:57You need to loosen up, Trevor, throw caution to the wind.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Carol and I have never really been throwing caution to the winds
0:21:59 > 0:22:01kind of people.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04It's all new territory for us. Oh, no, thanks.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06It'll help settle your nerves. It's herbal.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08I get it off my guy in Harley Street
0:22:08 > 0:22:10to alleviate my chronic back pain.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- You suffering from any chronic long-term pain, Trevor?- No.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14What about Carol?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Oh, I don't really think of her in those terms.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20I mean, we've had our differences, but... Oh, I see.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24MUSIC: "White Rabbit" by Jefferson Airplane
0:22:29 > 0:22:30It's not under the bed.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33She's going to miss her own naming ceremony!
0:22:33 > 0:22:34These blinds are lovely, Suze.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35Joyce!
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Did your mum have them specially made?
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Oh, here's the key.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Here she is, all ready for Mum!
0:22:51 > 0:22:54She looks great. Was she OK with you?
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- Yeah, she was fine! - You have to be careful,
0:22:56 > 0:22:58she's going through a phase of putting things up her nose!
0:22:58 > 0:23:01But I suppose you've seen it all before, haven't you?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Don't you worry, Suze, you're doing a great job with her.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Thanks, Joyce. Granny Joyce.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Granny-gran-gran.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Hang on, there's another one missing.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Must be on the floor.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Joyce?
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Coming!
0:23:23 > 0:23:27# One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small... #
0:23:29 > 0:23:32This house is so small, or maybe I'm growing!
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Do tiny people use this house, Alan?
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- Yes, Trevor. They're called children.- Alan.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Vaughan. Have you got a minute?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45I've pretty much sorted out the fuse box but I just need a someone to...
0:23:45 > 0:23:47- Fix it for you?- That's it.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49I'd give you a hand but I'm not very practical.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51I'm more of an ideas man.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53I'm trying to talk to Vaughan, Alan.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Why didn't you come and ask us earlier?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- We'd have helped you straight away. - I know, but...
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Because we love you.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04- We'll talk later John, yeah? - I don't think so.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08See, me and Maureen aren't really your kind of people, Vaughan.
0:24:08 > 0:24:13Call me old-fashioned, but we like to man our own vessels.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14That's very disappointing, John.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16I thought you were a man of wider vision.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19I'm afraid not. We don't swing on other people's booms.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23We don't splice other people's mainbraces and we certainly aren't
0:24:23 > 0:24:27having a four-way with odds and sods from the Royal Anglian Yacht Club!
0:24:30 > 0:24:33You haven't seen my dad anywhere, have you?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Ladies and Gentlemen, will you please take your seats?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43MUSIC: Give Me Love by George Harrison
0:24:56 > 0:24:59BOTH: We promise to be honest but not to criticise.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02We promise to encourage but not to push.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Amen!
0:25:05 > 0:25:07- Nice ceremony.- Yeah.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- We're not joining the boat club.- Why not?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I think it's beneath us.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14You always said that underneath everyone was the same.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17They probably are, but I don't really want to find out.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21- But it might be nice to... - He wanted to do things with you!
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- Did he? - That was the joining fee.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25Bit cheeky. What did you say?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28I said absolutely not, straight away!
0:25:28 > 0:25:31I know there's a ten-year waiting list at the yacht club - but one,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33men can't make those decisions,
0:25:33 > 0:25:37treating women like property to be swapped, and two, she's not my type.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38But mainly one.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Thanks for defending my honour!
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Well, it was a no-brainer to begin with.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46I mean you wouldn't be interested in him, would you?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48You want me to say no, right?
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Are you all right?
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Mmm. I'm good.
0:25:54 > 0:25:59This is my wife, Carol. She's writing a sex manual.
0:25:59 > 0:26:05- It's not a manual.- Memoir, sorry! I was thinking of Haynes manuals.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07I thought you didn't want to talk about it?
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Look, darling, I'm not some acrobatic porn star.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13- Trevor!- No, really, I'm not!
0:26:13 > 0:26:16I think we should be listening to the ceremony.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19But I will continue to support you in whatever hobbies you choose to
0:26:19 > 0:26:21embarrass me with.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24- Thank you?- Because at the end of the day...
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Something's important, what is it?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Oh, yeah, at the end of the day, what really cements a marriage,
0:26:30 > 0:26:34what really makes it work is...
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Popcorn.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42You meet some strange people at these things, don't you?
0:26:50 > 0:26:54- How did you fix the electrics?- Just taped the trip switch down.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58Don't know why we didn't think about it before. How did it go with Suze?
0:26:58 > 0:27:03- All right, I think.- Don't you want to take a photo? For Facebook?
0:27:03 > 0:27:05No. I've already got some.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Joyce, this just came out of Scarlet's nose.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11It's some sort of glass bead?
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Oh! That's where the other one went...
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- What were you doing? - I just wanted a photo.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19I think you might have overloaded that, mate.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22- We know what we're doing. - How could you do that to her?
0:27:22 > 0:27:26- We got the other one out! - How can I trust you again?
0:27:26 > 0:27:30I promise, that is the last time we'll ever let you down.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Did Mum tell you we're going to give you some money?
0:27:58 > 0:28:00- John.- We're staying for a drink.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Vaughan's going to give us a lift back in the morning.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04He's going to give me a sailing lesson.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Oh, you better drive back!
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Careful cos it overheats if you go into fifth.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Looks like Carol's going to get her last chapter.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15And Trevor's going to get his first.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18# We are sailing
0:28:18 > 0:28:22# We are sailing
0:28:22 > 0:28:28# Home again 'cross the sea
0:28:30 > 0:28:33# We are sailing
0:28:33 > 0:28:37# Stormy waters
0:28:37 > 0:28:41# To be near you, to be free... #