0:00:04 > 0:00:08- # Going up to the spirit in the sky - Spirit in the sky
0:00:08 > 0:00:10# That's where I'm gonna go when I die
0:00:10 > 0:00:12# When I die
0:00:12 > 0:00:13# When I die...#
0:00:13 > 0:00:15I've never been to a murder mystery before.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17I went to that one at Maria and Tony's.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19I'm a bit nervous.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21No-one actually gets murdered.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Although we came close when she ran out of Cava.
0:00:23 > 0:00:24I think I might win.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27I usually get it right on Midsomer Murders.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Yeah, when it's a repeat.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Careful with the drinking, Trevor.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32- I don't want you doing press-ups in bed tonight.- Understood.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35And if you're going to do that other thing we tried last night,
0:00:35 > 0:00:37warm your hands up first.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52# Oh, yeah, yeah
0:00:52 > 0:00:56# Now if there's a smile on my face
0:00:56 > 0:01:00# It's only there trying to fool the public
0:01:00 > 0:01:03# But when it comes down to fooling you
0:01:03 > 0:01:06# Now, honey, that's quite a different subject... #
0:01:08 > 0:01:10It's not typecasting, Alan.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12I offered to bring the main course.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13They always treat us differently.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15It's just part of the game.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Now just relax and try and enjoy yourself for once.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Why couldn't he just have us round for a drink,
0:01:19 > 0:01:21like normal people do on their birthdays?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Oh, you know John. He likes an occasion.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Anyway, you haven't been put out.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28I hired the costumes, prepared the food.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30All you had to do was get him a present.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32- Did you mange to do that?- Yes.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Yeah, well, what did you get him?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37A set of bulbs and an AA road map for his car?
0:01:37 > 0:01:40That's what you usually tell me to get him.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41No, it's something a bit different.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Oh, don't forget to put the card in with it.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47It's very difficult buying something for the man who has everything.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48Oh, no. Don't start that again.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Start what again?
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Every time we come to their house
0:01:51 > 0:01:53you make a big thing about the money.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54- No, I don't.- Yes, you do.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56You get all chippy.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58You start going on about his wine cellar.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00I like John, but he can be a bit showy.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02It's all in your head, Alan.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06- DOORBELL RINGS - They don't make a big thing about the money, and neither should we.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07They've got two presents.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- Hi!- Hi.- Look at you!
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Look at you two!
0:02:11 > 0:02:13- How are you guys?- Excited.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15It's fun dressing up, isn't it?
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Yeah, it'll be great to catch up.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I haven't seen much of Maureen lately.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21She missed power walking all this month.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23It's usually a dinner thing, this, isn't it?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26No, it's got to be lunchtime. Maureen's on a 5-2 diet.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28That means after four o'clock this afternoon
0:02:28 > 0:02:30she's fasting for two days.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Of course. I knew there'd be a rational explanation.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36There's been a murder.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38ALL: Happy birthday, John.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Who's John? I'm Lord Tarquin Greystone III.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Pretend.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47Welcome, everyone, to Greystone Manor.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48Where tonight...
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Murder has been committed.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Colonel Featherstonehaugh-Smythe is dead.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56His body's in the drawing-room.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Pretend.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Now, we are all suspects, so between us
0:03:00 > 0:03:04we must look at all the evidence and solve this terrible crime.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Bishop Blarney, Sister Servitude,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09and my lovely wife, Lady Greystone.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- Oh!- Good evening.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16And of course, Jeeves and Mrs Duster - our servants.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Obviously.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Now, the idea is we all read our backstories from the clue cards,
0:03:23 > 0:03:26and then we ask each other questions.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Maureen, love, the cards.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Oh, I keep forgetting about the question bit.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33I just like dressing up, that's the fun bit.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Who wants a drink?
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Sorry, forgot the drinks.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45BELL RINGS
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Don't get chippy, Alan. It's only a bit of fun.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53Thank you, Jeeves.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Champagne for the ladies.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56My lady.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58And a good red wine for the boys.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- Thank you, John. - Don't drink too much, Jeeves.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03You're serving dinner later.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05How about some nibbles?
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Would you like to take that through to the kitchen, Mrs Duster?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Or should I call you Fanny?
0:04:11 > 0:04:14That's your name, Fanny Duster.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I thought we were supposed to have joke names?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18I'll explain later.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25It's so nice of you to do the main course, Joyce.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Oh, don't be silly. It's no bother at all.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29But I promised John I'd play this game,
0:04:29 > 0:04:32and I'm terrible at remembering who did what to whom.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35And if I'm fiddling around in here I'll lose track altogether.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36It's fine, Maureen, really.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Plus I've got this outfit,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40and if I'm cooking it'll all get messy.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42And you've just got your pinny on from home, haven't you?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Well, actually, this...
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Yeah, it's just my home pinny.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49It's just taking things in and out of the oven, isn't it?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52That's the timer, that's the fan oven, that's the grill.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54It's all quite straightforward.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- And there's a manual somewhere if you get stuck.- Oh, OK.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Oh, and would you get the serving dish from the dining room, please?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Oh, yes, m'lady.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Thank you, Mrs Duster.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07All part of the fun, Joyce.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09I know it's a big faff, making everyone dress up,
0:05:09 > 0:05:12but at least we're not having it at the sailing club.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14- Oh, still down there a lot, is he? - He's always there.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16I find myself having to fill the days, Carol.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19There's only so much Bargain Hunt I can take.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20It must be difficult.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23I'm living like a widow without the insurance pay-out.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27I learned in counselling that it's important to do your own thing.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29See, me and Trevor have different things on during the day,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32but we always come together in the evenings for joint activities.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Don't worry, I've got my own thing going on.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- Have you?- And it's keeping me fit.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40What, something to replace the power walking, is it?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- There's a man lying dead in the drawing-room.- Oh, right.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Let's go to work. What do we do?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Good. Bishop Blarney.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49When did you first meet the colonel?
0:05:49 > 0:05:50At the village fete.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Sister Servitude? When did you first meet the colonel?
0:05:53 > 0:05:54At the harvest festival service.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Jeeves... Another drink, please.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- Oh, can I get...?- Get it yourself.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03"MAMMA MIA" RINGTONE PLAYS
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Hello, Mum? It's Mum.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Yes. I'll just take it outside, it's a bad line.
0:06:10 > 0:06:15Diego, how are you, sweetheart? Yeah, me, too.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17So, am I going to see you later?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20No! No, John still hasn't got a clue.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- A cigar, Bishop?- Thank you, no.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Not for you, Jeeves.
0:06:28 > 0:06:33Now, we have more cards here. Lady Greystone, more cards.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- It all sounds so complicated. - It's not complicated.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39It's really very straightforward.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- Jeeves, would you give this one to Fanny?- Can we change her name?
0:06:42 > 0:06:44We can't change names now, Al.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47I mean, it's complicated enough as it is.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50You work out the murder by asking questions...
0:06:52 > 0:06:55- What did you get him?- An antique ship's compass. What about you?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Car accessories?
0:06:57 > 0:06:58A-ha-ha-ha!
0:06:58 > 0:07:01So, Your Eminence, what brings you to Greystone Manor?
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Is it the fact that your nephew was recently added
0:07:05 > 0:07:08to the colonel's will in mysterious circumstances?
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Can I borrow Trevor?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15It's Bishop Blarney, remember?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17And I've got a few questions to ask you, Sister.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- I'm not answering questions. - Oh, that's interesting!
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- What have you got to hide? - Oh, shut up, Trevor!
0:07:23 > 0:07:28- I think Maureen is seeing someone. - Oh, wait, is it the butler?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- No, not in the game - in real life! - What?
0:07:30 > 0:07:34- I just heard her on the phone to a man.- Maureen? Don't be silly!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Trevor, her phone rang
0:07:36 > 0:07:39and a man's name came up on the caller ID thingy.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41She pretended it was her mum.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Well, I'm sure there's a perfectly ordinary explanation.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47- What was the name?- Diego. It's Spanish.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Yes, I know, Carol, but not every Spanish person is an adulterer.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Well, some of them are. Oh...
0:07:55 > 0:07:59- Ha, you're not talking about me, are you?- Ha! No!
0:08:01 > 0:08:04I didn't do it!
0:08:06 > 0:08:09She was telling me she's been feeling lonely.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Well, you can't blame her for thinking about other men.
0:08:11 > 0:08:16Anyone would do the same. Well, almost anyone.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- What about that bell? - Oh, stop going on about it!
0:08:19 > 0:08:21They never ask Trevor and Carol to be servants.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23They take us for granted, that's what it is.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25I wish you'd get past the money issue.
0:08:25 > 0:08:30So, they've got a bit of money - so what? I never even think about it.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33We're all the same underneath. How did he like his present?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35- He hasn't opened it yet. - What did you get him?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Oh, it's fantastic - perfect for John.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41- It's a pair of Liverpool FC cufflinks.- Where did you get them?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Oh, this is the great thing - they were free.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46I found them in the present drawer.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48You see, usually I get him car accessories, which is
0:08:48 > 0:08:51a bit boring, if I'm honest, but this is much more personalised.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53- Which present drawer? - The bottom one.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Those are the cufflinks John and Maureen bought you for Christmas.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01- What?- You've given him his own present. Go and get them back!
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- I don't remember getting them. - It was three years ago!
0:09:04 > 0:09:06- But I don't even support Liverpool. - Maureen bought them.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- John knows I don't even... - It doesn't matter!
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Just go and get them before he opens them.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15- Yeah, right, OK. - Oh, Alan, what have you done?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- They already think we're tight. - You said the money wasn't important.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20I didn't mean it!
0:09:25 > 0:09:31- Is anyone playing this game?- Is there anything you require, my lord?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Thanks, Al. Yes, Jeeves, a question for you.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38- You knew the Colonel very well. - What?
0:09:38 > 0:09:42You knew the Colonel very well, yet you claim you never knew he was...
0:09:42 > 0:09:44- The Colonel?- Yes, the Colonel.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45- What about him? - Well, I'm asking you
0:09:45 > 0:09:48if you knew he was in a relationship with Mrs...
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- What are you looking for?- Nothing.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53- Are you going to answer this question?- Yes.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55You claim you never knew he was romantically involved
0:09:55 > 0:09:57- with Mrs...- Where are the presents?
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- I don't know, Maureen's probably got them.- You haven't opened them yet?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- No, why?- I just wondered.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05- Can I carry on?- Yeah, yeah, shoot.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Did you ask the maid if she saw the Colonel in the kitchen?
0:10:09 > 0:10:10I'll be back in a sec.
0:10:14 > 0:10:20- Did I tell you I'm getting sailing classes?- Ooh, that's nice!
0:10:20 > 0:10:23So me and John can spend a bit more time together, you know,
0:10:23 > 0:10:25share a hobby.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28This guy Diego's teaching me
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- and he's coming round later with my certificate.- Oh!
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Yeah, it's my big surprise birthday present for John.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- Oh, he doesn't deserve you, Maureen! - Well, it's the least I could do.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41He bought me this kitchen for my last birthday.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45You've evened things up, then, haven't you?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Just looking for some nibbles. Ah!
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Oh, John rang for Alan, but he's disappeared somewhere.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Don't say anything to John about Diego, will you?
0:10:57 > 0:11:01He thinks I've been taking extra aqua aerobic classes!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04And don't say a word, not even to Carol cos, you know,
0:11:04 > 0:11:06she'll tell Trevor and he'll tell everyone else.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08You know what he's like.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09What are we listening to?
0:11:09 > 0:11:13- What?- You're gathering clues, aren't you?- Yes.- Can I have a listen?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15No, no, no, you must gather your own clues.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19- It's good fun, this game, isn't it? - It really is.- I knew you'd like it.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Gah!
0:11:22 > 0:11:26- Crisp?- No, thanks, Bishop.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28TOILET FLUSHES
0:11:29 > 0:11:33You were right - she is seeing that guy, she's just told Joyce.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37Oh, I knew it! Poor John! I wonder why she hasn't told me.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Maybe she didn't want to make you choose sides.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43You're a bit closer to John, aren't you? He's always liked you.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45That's true, he has always liked me.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47If she leaves him, there could be financial implications.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49She might even get the house.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51There's more to a relationship than bricks and mortar.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53You think she might get the boat as well?
0:11:53 > 0:11:54If Joyce is on Maureen's side,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56that'll put Alan in a difficult position.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58No, Alan is strong. He'll never abandon John.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- He will if Joyce tells him to. - You're right, he will.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03- It just shows you never can tell, can you?- Yes.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05- I thought they were happy. - What are we going to do?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07I don't want to have to choose sides.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09- Shouldn't we say something to John? - Like what?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11"Many happy returns, John. Oh, by the way,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14"Maureen's having an affair with a Spanish dance instructor."
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- How do you know he's a dance instructor?- Sorry, it's this game.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18I'm giving everybody a backstory.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22- Oh!- Not interrupting anything, am I?- No!- Nothing!
0:12:23 > 0:12:26You've worked it out - the maid's got an alibi.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28That's it!
0:12:28 > 0:12:32Where's Mrs Duster? I need to ask her some questions. Joyce?
0:12:32 > 0:12:36- I'm busy in the kitchen. - In your own time!
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- She's taken to that kitchen.- It is a nice kitchen.- Oh, I should hope so!
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- It cost enough.- Well, should you be spending money right now, John?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- I mean, what if your circumstances change?- Change? Change how?
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Somehow, in an unspecified way. Anything could happen. I don't know.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- Carol, do you know?- I don't know. - Neither of us know.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52- Are you OK? You look a bit flushed.- I'm fine.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56- Your dog collar's not too tight? - No.- You sure?- I'm fine, honestly.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- I'll be in the living room.- OK.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Oh, my stomach's giving me gyp!
0:13:02 > 0:13:04That'll be your acid reflux again.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- You're stressed, aren't you? - I am a bit.- I can tell.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- You'd better get your pills. They're in the car.- OK.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17- Joyce...- Hi!
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- Can I get a glass of water? - Of course you can!
0:13:21 > 0:13:25You don't have to ask. I'm not actually catering staff.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- You having a nice time? - Yeah, lovely.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32I wasn't sure this was going to be fun, but it is, isn't it?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Yeah, it's really fun.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37I thought having to remember all that character stuff might be
0:13:37 > 0:13:41- a bit stressful, but it's not.- No, not stressful at all.- You all right?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Yeah, yeah, fine, fine.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Hey, what do you think about Lady Greystone being a bit slutty?
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Oh, thank God! I am so relieved you said that.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54I thought you were taking her side.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56So, how did you find out?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58It's written on the card, isn't it?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01"Lady Greystone - a bit slutty"?
0:14:01 > 0:14:05- Oh, yeah! - What were you talking about?
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Oh, I was, you know,
0:14:07 > 0:14:11just thinking of a different clue on my character card...
0:14:11 > 0:14:13On my clue card.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Do you want a drink?
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Oh!
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- It's moved.- Oh, Alan!
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- I can't find the present. - Right, I'll have to get it.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Do you think you could manage to watch the food?
0:14:24 > 0:14:28- Why don't you ask Maureen where she put it?- Why would I ask her that?
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- So you can get it back. - Why would I want it back?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Oh, yeah, right, it's not as easy as it sounds, is it?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS
0:14:38 > 0:14:43Ah, Sister Servitude! I've been wondering where you'd been.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Now, have you asked the butler why he wouldn't answer
0:14:47 > 0:14:50the door to you when you called two hours before the Colonel's death?
0:14:50 > 0:14:54You've gone to so much trouble to make this special, haven't you?
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Yep, I'm beginning to wonder why I even bothered.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- Me and Trevor are going to help you through this.- The Bishop?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Yeah, that's right - "the Bishop".
0:15:03 > 0:15:04We all love you, big guy.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09I think I missed this bit. Ah, Fanny!
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Have you any questions for us?
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Not for the minute, John, no.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18It might be nice if you ask him some questions. It is his birthday.
0:15:18 > 0:15:24Ah, Lady Greystone! For generations, our family have lived in this home.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28Until tonight, it has always been a place of peace and tranquillity.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32You read yours now.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- INCOMING TEXT ALERT - Hang on a sec.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40- What time are we eating, do you think?- Oh, I'm not sure.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Ask the other servant. He's taken over.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47- I'll leave you two alone.- What for?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50They'll be back. They're probably asking each other questions.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52I think they're having trouble following the game.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- I think Joyce is getting a bit grumpy.- I don't know why.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58She's doing all the cooking and Alan's running around...
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- You're imagining it, Maureen. - Shall I get them a drink?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03No, no, no, you relax. I'll do it.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18- Excuse me, is this Maureen's house? - Who's asking, please?- Diego.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Diego Thomas.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23It's a strange name, I know.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26My mother's Spanish and my dad's from Carmarthen.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28I've got a half-sister called Blodwen Gonzalez!
0:16:28 > 0:16:30- HE LAUGHS - I'm joking.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- Ha!- You're a friend of Maureen's, are you?- Yes, yes.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- I expect she's told you about me, then, has she?- Yes.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I'm here to see Maureen, but I don't want to see John, obviously.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- Obviously! - So, shall I wait in the kitchen?
0:16:42 > 0:16:46No, no, she's got people around. Posh do, lords and ladies, bishops.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50- Well, I won't steal anything! - Oh, won't you?- What?
0:16:50 > 0:16:55- Erm, what about the garage? - OK, out of sight!- Exactly.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59- And you'll bring her out to me? - Er, yes.- This is very kind of you.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03- Not at all.- I suppose it's your vocation, isn't it?- What?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- You're all about discretion. - Oh, that's right!
0:17:09 > 0:17:10CRUNCH OF GRAVEL
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Joyce?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Joyce?
0:17:21 > 0:17:25- Oh, there you are!- Oh, I was just looking at your curtains again.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27They're lovely, aren't they?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Apparently, I've got to ask you a question.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32When did you realise that Lord Greystone
0:17:32 > 0:17:35was lying about the Colonel's inheritance?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37To be honest with you, Maureen, I haven't been keeping up
0:17:37 > 0:17:40with the ebb and flow of the game as much as I'd like to.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Oh, I'll make something up.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- You know it's just a bit of fun, don't you?- Course I do!
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- I mean, all that bell-ringing and whatnot.- I know!
0:17:48 > 0:17:52- And Alan knows it's just a bit of fun, too?- He loves it!
0:17:52 > 0:17:55You're our oldest friends. We wouldn't want to upset you.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- Don't be silly!- Oh!
0:18:04 > 0:18:06When I cut my daughter off from the inheritance,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09I was unaware that she was secretly in love with the Col...
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Why do you keep looking at me like that?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13All right, Bish?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Fine, John, fine, everything's fine.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- I just want a word with Carol. - But...
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- He's in the garage! - Who's in the garage?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22The man - Diego, the one that Maureen is seeing!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- Why is he in the garage? - I didn't want him to make a scene.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27He's a big guy, Carol, and he's Welsh. What if he gets violent?
0:18:27 > 0:18:31- We need to talk to him. - Why don't we talk to Maureen first?
0:18:31 > 0:18:35He's the problem, Trevor! We've got to keep him away from John.
0:18:35 > 0:18:40If John finds out about him, there's no going back for him and Maureen.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42It'll be all over between them.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS
0:18:44 > 0:18:46- (What are you doing?) - (What if he tries to call her?)
0:18:46 > 0:18:51- I've got a new bit to read out. - Oh, that's fantastic!- Read on.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53In case you're wondering what the smell is,
0:18:53 > 0:18:56it's the Colonel decomposing.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- Sorry, John. - Maureen's found another bit.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Read your bit, Maureen.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- I'm having an affair.- What?!
0:19:06 > 0:19:08He was kind to me.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11I found comfort in his arms.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Lady Greystone's having an affair.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- Who is it with, again?- It's on your card - the butler.- Alan?- The butler!
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- Who'd have an affair with Alan? - Have we got any more of that red?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- In the garage.- BOTH:- NO!
0:19:22 > 0:19:24It's your birthday.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27You shouldn't be fetching things on your birthday - we'll go.
0:19:27 > 0:19:32- Everyone, stay calm and remain here. - I'll go and get some.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34No, you're the hostess. You've done enough.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36You stay here and play the game.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- It was in the bedroom. - See? No harm done.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Right.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54What do we do now?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- We just take it back home. - And give him what instead?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- Go out and get him something. - Like what?
0:19:59 > 0:20:00Nip down to the service station
0:20:00 > 0:20:03and get him some accessories for his car.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Brilliant. He loves car accessories.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06To be honest, I don't know why
0:20:06 > 0:20:08I didn't get him some in the first place.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- Just be firm with him. - Firm, but fair.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23I... Just getting some air.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Forgot my glasses.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Can't read the bloody questions.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- Diego?- Hello?- This is Trevor speaking. Do you remember me?
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- What, the vicar?- Bishop, actually.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47Look, the door seems to have locked itself. Can you open it your side?
0:20:47 > 0:20:51- We're coming in now, Diego.- We just want to speak with you for a moment.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- This is my wife, Carol. - Is that allowed?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- We're playing a game. - What sort of game?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01- That isn't important right now. - Where's Maureen?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03She's with John. I don't think she should see you right now.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- Well, she asked me to come here. - She isn't thinking straight.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10- It's a bad time. It's John's birthday party!- I know!
0:21:10 > 0:21:14- Unbelievable.- Have you thought about the damage you're doing to Maureen?
0:21:14 > 0:21:15It's perfectly safe if you do it right.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- My God, he's completely shameless. - Come to one of the sessions.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- I'll show you.- Oh, Trevor! - Stand behind me, Carol.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Why don't I come and talk to Maureen? Oi!
0:21:24 > 0:21:26- DOOR IS LOCKED - What sort of bishop are you?
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Behave, Diego!
0:21:34 > 0:21:37I was going to get John to open these later,
0:21:37 > 0:21:41but he can open them now before Diego brings my sailing certificate,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- can't he?- No, don't do that! - Why not?
0:21:44 > 0:21:48Well, your present is the big one and you want it to be special.
0:21:48 > 0:21:53He can open ours later, much later.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Joyce, your present is just as important as mine.
0:21:57 > 0:22:02- Have you seen my phone?- Erm, no.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Diego should be here by now.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06He might be trying to call me.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11I have an announcement to make.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15If you'd all like to follow me into the living room... Well, come on.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- He'll calm down.- Exactly.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21He'll calm down and then we'll go back and let him out
0:22:21 > 0:22:23when everyone's eating.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27"MAMMA MIA" RINGTONE PLAYS
0:22:31 > 0:22:34RINGTONE QUIETENS
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Oh, come on, Maureen, pick up!
0:22:38 > 0:22:42# Yes, I've been broken hearted
0:22:42 > 0:22:45# Blue since the day we parted
0:22:45 > 0:22:49# Why, why did I ever let you go? #
0:22:49 > 0:22:50CLATTERING
0:22:53 > 0:22:55CLATTERING CONTINUES
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- Where have you been? I've been ringing for ages.- Sorry.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Jeeves, I have an announcement to make. I know who the murderer is.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- I think there's a cat stuck in your garage.- Never mind that now.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- John knows who done it. - Oh, that's exciting.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- That's exciting, isn't it, Trevor?- Very!
0:23:12 > 0:23:15I was saying I know who the murderer is, but first...
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- Shouldn't we top everybody up first? - Yes, please.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20- Didn't you go out to get some more wine?- I forgot.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24- Jeeves, can you tell us...- What were you doing out there, you two?
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- We were...- Having a conversation. - It's good to have conversations.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29It keeps a marriage alive.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31We learned that in marriage counselling,
0:23:31 > 0:23:33which I heartily recommend.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Oh, right.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37In the garage, right?
0:23:37 > 0:23:41- Actually, maybe a cup of tea would be nice.- Oh, tea would be lovely.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45- We don't need wine.- I do.- Sit down, Alan.- I'm just going to get...
0:23:45 > 0:23:47SIT DOWN, Alan.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51- I'm sitting.- How did you do that?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54So, everyone, tea.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57John, tea?
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Maureen, tea? Alan, tea? Joyce, would you like a cup of tea?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Trevor, would you like to help me make the tea?
0:24:03 > 0:24:07"MAMMA MIA" RINGTONE PLAYS
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Is that my phone?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11I think it is.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19- There! Now we can concentrate on the game.- Really focus on that murder.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- We are completely focused. - Who's Diego?
0:24:24 > 0:24:28- I was going to tell you about it later, John.- Tell me what?
0:24:28 > 0:24:32- Wait, Maureen.- Yes, hang on. - Think about John.- Yes, poor John.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Well, can it wait five minutes? Cos I know who the murderer is.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- I'm doing this FOR John.- We don't judge you, Maureen.- We really don't.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40I often thought about other men
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- when Trevor and I were having our problems.- Exactly. What?!
0:24:43 > 0:24:46- I'm dealing with it, Trevor. - I knew who the murderer was.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- I don't think about Diego like that.- He doesn't love you, Maureen.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53- Of course he doesn't love me. - So, why are you seeing him?
0:24:53 > 0:24:57Sailing lessons! So that John and I can go to the yacht club together.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00What other reason would I have for seeing him?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02A sex reason?
0:25:02 > 0:25:06- Did you know all about this? - Servants always know, don't they?
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- You'd learn to sail for me? - Of course I would.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Where do you think I've been going off to this last month?
0:25:12 > 0:25:13Well, senior swimming.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15I mean swimming.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18So, where is Diego now?
0:25:20 > 0:25:24And then I heard Maureen and Joyce talking.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26And we put two and two together.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- I knew, deep down, there could be nothing in it.- Well, so did I.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31I just thought he'd be safer in here.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Diego!
0:25:36 > 0:25:38THUD!
0:25:47 > 0:25:51- Are you all right, my love? - I'm fine.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Well done.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55You've brought my sailing certificate. Happy birthday.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- What's going on? - I haven't a clue, mate.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01I left my question cards in the house.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07He's not going to sue, but I don't get any more sailing lessons.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Alan, you made me pick up the wrong bag.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17It's not my fault.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Cufflinks!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Nice one, Al. We've got matching sets now.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Whose present did you throw away?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Thanks, Trev - car bulbs.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41# We're caught in a trap
0:26:43 > 0:26:46# I can't walk out
0:26:47 > 0:26:52# Because I love you too much, baby
0:26:55 > 0:27:02# We can't go on together with suspicious minds
0:27:03 > 0:27:07# And we can't build our dreams... #