0:00:04 > 0:00:07- Oh, John, I'm going in.- Hang on!
0:00:10 > 0:00:13Mum! What are you doing here?
0:00:13 > 0:00:16Why didn't you call us? We'd have picked you up.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19I don't need a lift, I've got one.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22A friend of mine. Drives a cab in his spare time,
0:00:22 > 0:00:25- so he's used to the supermarket run. - Hi.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27- Hi!- Lovely day.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33- He's a happy one. - He's getting married next week.- Ooh!
0:00:33 > 0:00:34Who's the lucky lady?
0:00:34 > 0:00:36I am.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Ready!
0:00:42 > 0:00:46MUSIC: The Tears Of A Clown by Smokey Robinson & The Miracles
0:00:52 > 0:00:56# Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
0:00:56 > 0:01:00# Now if there's a smile on my face
0:01:00 > 0:01:03# It's only there trying to fool the public
0:01:03 > 0:01:07# But when it comes down to fooling you
0:01:07 > 0:01:11# Now, honey, that's quite a different subject... #
0:01:11 > 0:01:14This is lovely, isn't it?
0:01:14 > 0:01:17It's too expensive, and that's before the tips.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Look at them, hovering like vultures,
0:01:20 > 0:01:22waiting to pick over the bones of my wallet.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Why do they have to get married here? It's only Joan, innit?
0:01:25 > 0:01:27She'll be happy in the back room of the community centre.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31- Maureen wanted a nice venue! - We can't afford to stay here.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34You shouldn't have accepted the invitation.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36You've got to learn to say no to people, Joyce.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Ask me if you can go home.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39Other than me.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42John and Maureen have always been there for us.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Just smile and join in
0:01:43 > 0:01:45and try to behave with a bit of dignity.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Why couldn't they get married at the beginning of the month,
0:01:48 > 0:01:49when we've got some money?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52- Alan! Joycey!- Hiya! - Nice place, eh?- Yeah, lovely.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Are you going to use the spa?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I bet it's a while since you've been pampered.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Joyce is the only person allowed to touch my body
0:01:59 > 0:02:01and even she's on limited access.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- Alan...- Hey, they've even got colonic irrigation, you know.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05Yeah, well, why not?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07They're already trying to suck everything out of my pockets.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09SHE SIGHS
0:02:10 > 0:02:16I'm so pleased for her, finding love a second time around.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Her marriage to my dad was a struggle for her.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22- He was emotionally detached. - Oh, dear.- I had a lucky escape.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Daughters of emotionally detached fathers
0:02:25 > 0:02:26can turn out to be a bit tarty.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28I didn't know that.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31I just want her to have a lovely couple of days, you know?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33It must have taken a lot of planning.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35The hotel sent me an online form.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- It took me about five minutes.- Oh!
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- Hiya!- Hi!- Hi.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Wh-What's Trevor wearing?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I've been a bit concerned about him lately,
0:02:44 > 0:02:47because of his lack of assertiveness.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49So I took him to an image consultant,
0:02:49 > 0:02:52got him a colour awareness makeover -
0:02:52 > 0:02:55turns out orange is his power colour.
0:02:55 > 0:03:00Well, the idea is it'll make him assertive and more confident.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04It'll also help him to be more expressive sexually.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06That's a bonus, isn't it?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09I feel like I'm not myself, you know?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- Uh, no, thank you.- I don't need to wear orange to assert myself.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- I'm perfectly capable of that. - Why don't you tell Carol?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Oh, I couldn't do that, she'll be cross.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20It's really important that we see that Roy has a good time tonight.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Yeah, you'll want to welcome him into the family.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23I want to make sure he doesn't pull out.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26I've waited 20 years for someone to sweep Joan off her feet.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28I don't want him ducking out at the last minute.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Did you bring a shotgun?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33MUSIC: The Saint Theme
0:03:39 > 0:03:41It's the orange! It's working!
0:03:43 > 0:03:45They're here.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48I should tell you, you might notice a difference in Mum.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52- Ooh, how do you mean? - Oh, she's...loosened up a bit.
0:03:52 > 0:03:57- We're here!- Oh, hey!- We've got a reception committee, Joan.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- Afternoon, all.- This is Roy.
0:03:59 > 0:04:05Roy, this is Carol, Joyce, Alan, and, uh...another one.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- Hi, ladies. - WOMEN: Hi!
0:04:07 > 0:04:10These must be your sisters, then?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12- Oh! - THEY CHUCKLE
0:04:12 > 0:04:17- You look fabulous, Joan. - Ten years younger!- 20 years younger!
0:04:17 > 0:04:18So, nearly as young as Roy.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Roy's found me a fantastic physio.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Plus, I give her a bit of reiki massage myself,
0:04:24 > 0:04:28- magic hands.- It's like having your very own Paul Daniels.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Who hasn't dreamed of that?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32- TREVOR:- Where's the wheelchair? - Gone.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35It's a miracle, yeah. She only uses it now when it suits her.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36She got in the front row
0:04:36 > 0:04:38of a Michael Buble concert with it last week.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42- Looking forward to the big day? - Oh, very much so, Alan.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- I've landed the woman of my dreams. - Oh, stop it.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49- He's always embarrassing me. - You must be very happy, Joan.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51All right, you don't have to shout.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Nice outfit. Have you been pollinated yet?
0:04:54 > 0:04:55LAUGHTER
0:04:55 > 0:05:01- Oh, very good.- So, you two met online? That's unusual, isn't it?
0:05:01 > 0:05:05That's how everybody meets now. I get lots of offers in the chatroom.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07It's a bit of a cattle market out there.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10It makes you glad we've already bought our cattle.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Well, cows.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13My livestock.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15What I mean is, uh,
0:05:15 > 0:05:19it makes you glad that we've, uh, already purchased our products.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- Are you finished?- I was considering a couple in the end.
0:05:22 > 0:05:28This one here, or Tony from Gambia. Oh, he sounded very nice.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32- Great body, great bum and great sense of humour.- I think I know him.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- Too late to change your mind now. - Oh, is it?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38I haven't deleted my account in the chatroom yet.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Ho-ho! I can see she's going to keep me on my toes.
0:05:41 > 0:05:48So, w-what do you do, Roy? Are you retired, or not quite yet?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51I am semi-retired. I was running a couple of businesses,
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- but they didn't work out. - Not all of them do.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56I keep trying, though, just like my marriages.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58I've had four before this one.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- Fifth time lucky, eh? - Right, let's get you settled in.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- You're getting married in the morning.- Let's do it.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08- You and Roy have got separate rooms. - Oh, OK.- That's all right, isn't it?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- Fine with me. - We don't want any hanky-panky.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13THEY TITTER
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- No, we don't!- We have a laugh. - I can see that.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- See you later, everybody! - ALL: Bye!
0:06:19 > 0:06:20OK, bye.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25- What the hell's going on? - He's 20 years younger than her!
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- He must be after her money.- We must talk to John and Maureen about this.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31We forgot something. Just popping out, see you later.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Yeah. Roy's taking me down to the cashpoint.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38I'm getting some money out for him. He's a bit short at the moment.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Coming!
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- Plenty of women have toy boys. - Not 70-year-old toy boys.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46He's nowhere near 70.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47- How old is he, then?- 69.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50He's either after her money, or he's a bit, you know...
0:06:50 > 0:06:52- Constipated?- Mad!
0:06:52 > 0:06:55- What are you talking about? - Going for older women.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- He might have a mother fixation. - A lot of men do it.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- Lots of men have mother fixations? - Have you ever heard of cougars?
0:07:01 > 0:07:02Have you ever heard of Psycho?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Love is blind, Alan. Why do you think Joyce ended up with you?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07All we're saying is that maybe you and Maureen
0:07:07 > 0:07:09should look into this a bit more carefully.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11I've waited 20 years for someone to take Joan off my hands.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Don't cock it up for me now!
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Roy! You having a drink?
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- Oh, no, thanks.- Come on, it's the night before your wedding.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21No, I'm not much of a drinker. I avoid it if I can.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Sensible advice. What a down-to-earth, sensible bloke.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28We're thinking of having a round of golf as part of the stag.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Actually, I'd be happier staying here in the hotel.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32I've got a pacemaker, you see.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34It's fine, I just...
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Easier to keep the exercise to a minimum.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39They've got golf buggies, you don't even have to sit up.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41We can lie you down in the back with the clubs.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43S-So what do you want to do, Roy?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46I was hoping to sample the spa.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51It's amazing, isn't it, finding love at her age?
0:07:51 > 0:07:55- Well, romance isn't age-specific, is it?- That's true.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57We inherited my grandad's tortoise
0:07:57 > 0:08:01- and that was mating well into its 90s.- There's hope for Mum, then.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03We'll just have to feed her plenty of lettuce.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Are you not worried that she might be rushing into this a bit?
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Well, she can't think about it too long.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10He's a bit younger than her, though, isn't he?
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Well, she would be hard-pushed to find anyone that wasn't, Joyce.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- It's just that some people... - Not Roy!
0:08:16 > 0:08:23Not Roy, no, but some people exploit older people in a relationship.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26You think he's using her for sex?
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Not sex, no.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Can't you just get past the age gap?
0:08:30 > 0:08:34We just think you should find out more about him, that's all.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- They met online. - Lots of people meet online.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39He's been married four times.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- That doesn't mean anything.- We think he's marrying her for the money.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44You said you didn't think he'd do that.
0:08:44 > 0:08:45I was lying!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52We're basically paying for someone to beat us up.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- You'll enjoy it! - I'm not leaving a tip.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57I think it's a very good idea, Roy.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- It's very relaxing, isn't it? - You're very smooth.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00What happened to your hair?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Carol wants me to be more continental,
0:09:02 > 0:09:04so she gets me waxed regularly.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08- He's full of surprises, isn't he? - Some women prefer it.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11I can understand that, yeah. Maureen's the same with her car.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13I see they've found more oil under Gatwick.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- Yes, and that's not the last of it either.- No?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19No, fossil fuels aren't done yet by any means.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22There's a lot of potential down there still.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Did you know that man has only been able to bore down
0:09:24 > 0:09:262km below the Earth's surface?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Some men can bore further than that.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- I'm not doing this. - You've got to do it, Maureen.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35- You don't want Joan being taken advantage of.- It's illegal!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37He's taken her money - that's illegal.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40We're just trying to find out a bit more about him, Maureen.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- There's nothing wrong with that. - We can't get in, we need his key.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Why didn't you let her and Roy share a room?
0:09:45 > 0:09:46We could have used their key.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49They're not married yet, it's not normal.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51That's the bit that isn't normal(!)
0:09:53 > 0:09:58Excuse me, sorry, but I've forgotten my key. Could you let us in?
0:09:58 > 0:10:02- Is it your room? - Sort of.- We're family.
0:10:02 > 0:10:07- Almost family.- We will be tomorrow. - She will be.- My mum's fiance.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11- They're getting married tomorrow. - He needs his lucky teeth.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Oh, thank you.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17- You can come back and do the room later.- What if he comes back?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- I could stand guard. - Well done, Carol!
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- What shall I do if I see him coming?- You make a noise.- OK.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27- Is that all right?- Just wanted to be clear about it.- Yeah.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- I'm perfectly capable of thinking for myself.- Of course, you are!
0:10:30 > 0:10:31OK, then!
0:10:31 > 0:10:33- OK, let's go.- What kind of noise?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37I'll just cough.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Or sing?
0:10:39 > 0:10:40No, I'll cough.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Sing, singing's better.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49This place reminds me of a hotel I once stayed in in Morocco
0:10:49 > 0:10:50when I was working on the oil rigs.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52I thought you were in business.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Oh, this was before the business ventures and after the army.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- You were in the army? - I was discharged early.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- Was that on a medical?- There was an incident involving a local woman.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06- It got blown out of all proportion. - As these things do, yes.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Oh, how come you got a female masseur?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12She could have gone to any one of us, John, it was totally random.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14You don't think it could have been something to do
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- with your colour scheme? - It's a load of mumbo jumbo, John.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20The idea that I'm going to change from some normal,
0:11:20 > 0:11:23run-of-the-mill bloke into some kind of cool guy
0:11:23 > 0:11:27just because I'm wearing orange socks is utterly ridiculous.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29MACHINE DISPENSES Thank you.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33- No worries. - MUSIC: The Saint Theme
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- So did you enjoy that? - Yeah, very good.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41- How about you? Everything beating normally?- Oh, it's fine.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45The crucial thing is making sure it stays at a steady rate.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48It's like the spa version of that movie Speed.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51You're doing very well, Alan. Maureen will be proud of you.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53I know it means a lot to her to see Joan happy.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56A massage and a facial is a small price to pay, innit?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58What next, Roy?
0:11:58 > 0:12:01I've always wanted to try a back, crack and sack.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03- OK...- Hang on, what is that?
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Well, that's when they strip all the hair...
0:12:05 > 0:12:07- It doesn't matter, we're doing it. - We can't do that.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09- I've already had it done.- All over?
0:12:09 > 0:12:13- In for a penny...- And you think you know someone.- Is it painful?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15No.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20What are we looking for?
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- Clues!- Oh, what are we, the Famous Five?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Just have a quick look on his computer.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27No, let's just go.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29We can't get on to his laptop anyway.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34He's already logged on to Facebook.
0:12:35 > 0:12:40Oh, look, he's got loads of photos of them together.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Doesn't mean anything, Maureen.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Fake marriage applicants take loads of photos
0:12:45 > 0:12:47to fool immigration all the time.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Let's check his e-mails.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53- Joyce, do not check his e-mails. - Maureen, Joan is getting on.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54She's vulnerable.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58It's perfectly reasonable to think that someone like Roy
0:12:58 > 0:13:01has an ulterior motive for being interested in her.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07It's a pension statement.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- He's loaded.- Blimey.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Is it too late for me to marry him?
0:13:19 > 0:13:23- TO TUNE OF "COLONEL BOGEY MARCH": - # La-la, la-la-la-la-la-la
0:13:23 > 0:13:25# La-la, la-la-la-la-la-la
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- HIGHER:- # La-la, la-la-la-la-la-la! #
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Hello, there!
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Where are you off to?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Oh, just going to Roy's room. He wants his phone.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Oh. # La-la, la-la-la-la-la-la. #
0:13:37 > 0:13:40SHE COUGHS DEEPLY
0:13:40 > 0:13:42- Are you all right?- Yeah.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Want to borrow my phone?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Will it have lots of pictures of that orange man?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- Yeah.- No, thanks.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53SHE COUGHS Oh, and you better not be giving me that cough.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Oh!
0:13:55 > 0:13:57What are you two doing?
0:13:57 > 0:14:01- Uh...looking through Roy's stuff. - What for?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06We don't know anything about him, Mum,
0:14:06 > 0:14:08and you are a bit older than he is and...
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- And you think he's after my money? - Yeah.
0:14:10 > 0:14:15But now we know that you're after his, so that's all right.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Didn't you hear my noise?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19I tell you what, that's given me
0:14:19 > 0:14:21a new level of respect for Trevor's pain threshold.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Are you sure you don't want to sit down?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25- No, no!- You're all right, no.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27I didn't hate it as much as I thought I would.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29- I did.- Yeah, so did I.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31At the very least, she could have warmed up that spatula.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Oh, here are the girls.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Did you find anything?
0:14:35 > 0:14:39- Joan told me.- I am sorry, we just didn't know anything about you.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43- You could have been a serial killer. - Not a serial killer!
0:14:43 > 0:14:45No, not a serial killer, obviously.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47- But just a bit strange.- Abnormal.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49- Odd.- We'll stop now.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51I'd have done exactly the same thing.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53As you say, I could be anyone.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55You've got to be sure, haven't you?
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- I feel terrible. - Please don't, no need.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- Could I get you a drink?- No, thanks.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01- Go on!- No, really.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- Go on, Roy, just for us. - Just one.- OK, just for you.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Large Scotch.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- I thought you didn't drink.- Well, I wanted to make a good impression.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11It's a big day, meeting the family.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14No-one thinks badly of you, Roy, do they, Joyce?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16- No - There you go.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Cheers.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Ah!
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- What's this?- Chorizo omelette.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Do I like it?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Feeling a bit delicate?
0:15:37 > 0:15:39At both ends.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42It was worth it, though - we needed to smooth things over with Roy.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Can we not talk about smooth things? - You don't want that.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Do you want me to get you a proper breakfast?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49I don't need anything, there's plenty here.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- But it's mine. - Isn't it about time Joan was down?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53The ceremony starts at 11, doesn't it?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Roy needs to get a move on as well.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- CAROL:- Morning! - Morning, sorry we're late.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Oh, your mum wants to have a word with you. She's in the lounge.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02I'll go and talk to her.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03You two, go and wake Roy up.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- I haven't finished my breakfast. - Yes, you have.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10Come on, Trev.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14I can't get my corsage to stay on.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Something tells me you're the kind of man who could.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19MUSIC: The Saint Theme.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Love your tie.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28Roy?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- Roy?- You don't think he's done a runner?- He'll be asleep.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36Roy!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Why isn't he waking up?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40We could just go in.
0:16:40 > 0:16:41We've got no key.
0:16:41 > 0:16:42Where did you get that?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45I lost my key last night, after the bars closed,
0:16:45 > 0:16:47while we were still trying to find our rooms.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Just after you took Roy outside to throw up.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52It's a pass key, the girl on reception gave it to me.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- The receptionist gave you a key that opens up all the rooms?- Yes.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- She insisted.- You must never use your powers for evil.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03TEXT MESSAGE BEEP
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Roy!
0:17:05 > 0:17:06Roy... CHASTISING: Roy!
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Come on! You're going to be late!
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- Roy?- Is he...?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- I don't know.- He did have a bit to drink last night.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Yeah, but that wouldn't have killed him.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20That might. SHE SHRIEKS
0:17:22 > 0:17:24- Morning.- The girls are getting jumpy downstairs.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26I've just had a text from Carol.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34I'll tell them to wait.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Roy is the best thing that could ever happen to her.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- Hi, Mum.- Hi!- Hi.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- How are you feeling?- Fine. - What's on your mind, Joan?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Well, I've been thinking about Roy.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Ooh! Steady on!
0:17:47 > 0:17:50This early in the morning? What are you thinking?
0:17:50 > 0:17:51I don't want to marry him.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Oh, my God, he's dead, he's dead, he's dead!
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- All right, just calm down. - You're going to be OK.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01People get over all sorts of traumatic experiences.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05- He's dead and I killed him!- I'm not saying it won't take you a while.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07- We better call the manager. - No, you can't do that!
0:18:07 > 0:18:08- Why not?- He's my husband.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Er...
0:18:10 > 0:18:11hang on, let's think about this.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13What is there to think about?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Why don't you just finish getting dressed, eh?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17That's it, there we go.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19That's it.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20KNOCK AT DOOR
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- CAROL:- Roy?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Are you in there?
0:18:24 > 0:18:25- It's Carol.- You can't let her in.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- KNOCKING CONTINUES - Why not?- Let's just think about what we're doing.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- What do you mean?- Last night we were pouring drinks down him.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33I don't want people thinking we killed him.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- We didn't kill him.- Exactly. - You killed him.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Roy, we're all waiting downstairs, my love.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- Say something.- Like what?- Anything.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- Hi, love.- Trevor?- Yes.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46- Is Roy in there?- Yes.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Oh.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50It's getting late.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51Will he be much longer?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58He might be a while.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59What am I doing?
0:18:59 > 0:19:03- Just indulging myself, that's what it is.- No, it's not!
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Just because you've got a few years on the rest of us,
0:19:05 > 0:19:07there's no reason not to lead your life.
0:19:07 > 0:19:12- You've got to go for it, Joan. - Everyone's taken so much trouble
0:19:12 > 0:19:16- over a stupid old thing like me. - Old people get married all the time.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18So do stupid people.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21And Claire's on her way with the kids, and Terry.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Even Pete and Cath!
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Doesn't that make you want to go through with it?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Knowing all those people are going to be there for you?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Well, it would, if I liked any of them.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33What about Roy? He'd be so disappointed.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36He's still young, he'll find somebody else.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Won't you miss him?
0:19:37 > 0:19:39We'll keep in touch.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- What about all his jokes? - They're not that good.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44What about his magic hands?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Oh, all right.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50We're all here, so we might as well go through with it.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55ALAN CLEARS HIS THROAT AWKWARDLY
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Has she gone?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- All clear. - What are we going to do about him?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Well, we've got to tell somebody. We can't just leave him here.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Where is he?
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Maybe she moved him.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14- What, you think the maid tidied him up?- No, I didn't!
0:20:14 > 0:20:17ALAN YELPS, ROY SHOUTS, MAID SHRIEKS
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Trevor, why don't you take her down to your room and calm her down?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Come on, let's go and get some hot, sweet tea.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25That's what you need after a shock.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27I don't know what I was thinking.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30I mean, I don't usually do this sort of thing...
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- That's Colin! - Who's Colin?- My husband!
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Oh, the manager. Don't worry, I'll sort it out.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43ALARM WAILS, "THE SAINT" THEME PLAYS
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Excuse me, I'm terribly sorry, I've just hit that fire alarm by mistake.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Now, we don't want a full fire drill, do we?
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- Don't worry, sir.- Thank you so much.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57"THE SAINT" THEME PLAYS
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Who are you?
0:20:59 > 0:21:00- Trevor. - LIFT POWERS DOWN
0:21:00 > 0:21:02What's happening?
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Fire alarm.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- Oh, my Gawd!- It's all right, Mum. - Oh, yeah(!)
0:21:06 > 0:21:09We're in the safest place for a fire(!)
0:21:09 > 0:21:10That's what they say, isn't it?
0:21:10 > 0:21:15"When there's a fire, head for the lift. You'll be safe in there(!)"
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- What were you doing?- Playing dead.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19How was that going to work?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Got me out of three marriages.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Bit of gallows humour there.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25No, I thought I'd get out the window when you left the room.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- What are you, Spider-Man? - Why did you do it?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29I've got an addictive personality.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I'm addicted to sex and alcohol.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- You love Joan, though.- I do.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Well, that's the main thing, isn't it?
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- Have you pressed all the buttons? - No, I left a few out(!)
0:21:43 > 0:21:47- It's feeling a bit close.- That's cos we're stuck in a lift, Mum.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48I'm feeling hot!
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- It's all right, Mum.- I've got to get out of here. Get me out!
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- She's having a panic attack. - I need some air!- Calm down.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Get me out of here, get me...
0:21:56 > 0:22:00- What are you doing?- Well, she might calm down if she can't see anything.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01She's not a budgie!
0:22:06 > 0:22:10- Are we going to tell Maureen?- We don't need to bother her with this.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Everybody has last-minute wobbles before their wedding.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Hey, Paula, Terry! It's in the function room.
0:22:16 > 0:22:17We'll be down in a jiffy.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Everyone's expecting a wedding.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22- Who are we to deny them? - I think we should tell her.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24They're getting married, Alan, and that's that.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26But she'll be married to a different person
0:22:26 > 0:22:28to the one she fell in love with.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29- Who isn't?- Fair point.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31No, thank you!
0:22:31 > 0:22:33We're going to make you a nice cup of tea and then,
0:22:33 > 0:22:37when you're feeling better, we can get you home.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Hi, love.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- Hi.- Who's that?- My wife, Carol.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Oh, the best ones are taken.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- I've just come back for my cardigan. - Yes.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49It's a bit chilly in that function room.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Good idea.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Who's this?
0:22:53 > 0:22:55- Pat.- It's Pat.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Pat.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01INDISTINCT CONVERSATION
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Not a bad turnout.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09- Where's Roy?- He's just nipped to the loo.- Oh, Mum's so happy!
0:23:09 > 0:23:10She's made up, isn't she?
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Who would have thought someone would be taking your mum off our hands
0:23:14 > 0:23:18- at her time of life? - I think I'm going to cry.- Me too.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20- You ready to go?- No.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- What?- What do you mean?- There's something I need to tell you.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25We were so close!
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- I... - He's not the man you think he is.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32Alan, we know more about Roy than you can possibly imagine!
0:23:32 > 0:23:36- And he's a sweet, decent man. - He's an alcoholic sex addict.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38- I knew it. - He's just a bit eccentric.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41- It's actually a medical condition. - All right, Roy, I'm dealing with it.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42I don't understand.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44He spent the night with a member of the hotel staff.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47He was drunk, to be fair.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48What are you all doing out here?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Having a mothers' meeting?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Joan, there's something I need to tell you.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55What's that?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- I'm carrying some baggage.- Oh!
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- Is it for your waterworks? - Not that kind of baggage.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Emotional baggage.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- I'm an addict.- Oh, I know that.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07- What?- You didn't think I'd marry you
0:24:07 > 0:24:09without checking up on you first, did you?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11I spent last night with a strange woman.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14You'll be spending your night with an even stranger one.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17MUSIC: Canon In D by Johann Pachelbel
0:24:19 > 0:24:23- Are you still feeling it? - I'm on fire down there, Joyce.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- It'll get worse, later.- Why?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Looks like we're having curry for lunch.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33- How's Pat doing?- Fine.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35She just had a bit too much to drink.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I've been thinking, I'm not sure that colour scheme does suit you.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42- It's up to you, but... - I won't wear it any more.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Whatever feels right for you.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47- You still need to be assertive. - Absolutely.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- Maybe weekends. - I don't think so.- No, neither do I.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54MUSIC: Wedding March by Felix Mendelssohn
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- Mum...- So we both like a drink, what's the big deal?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03But you're marrying a sex addict.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05That's a cross I'll just have to bear.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07But he spent last night with another woman.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10I've got a free one in the bank, then, haven't I?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12You sure you don't mind a Hindu ceremony?
0:25:12 > 0:25:15TRADITIONAL INDIAN MUSIC
0:25:16 > 0:25:19I mean, I thought it made a nice change.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21- Add a bit of pizzazz.- Very nice!
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Bloody online forms - I ticked the wrong box!
0:25:28 > 0:25:32- That's brilliant, isn't it, eh? Finally sorted.- They'll be fine.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34We'll help 'em out, won't we?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36- Yes, of course we will. - I was hoping you'd say that.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39I've booked us a romantic holiday as a reward.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40Ooh, sexy time.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42- If you're lucky.- Where are we going?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- Mediterranean cruise...- Ooh-la-la!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47..with Mum and Roy.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53MUSIC: Jai Ho by AR Rahman
0:25:53 > 0:25:56DIALOGUE MUTED