0:00:02 > 0:00:04I am Alan Yentob. This programme is not about me, sadly,
0:00:04 > 0:00:06but about another formidable individual who has made
0:00:06 > 0:00:11a staggering impact within the artistic world he inhabits.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Brian Pern is one of the most influential rock stars
0:00:13 > 0:00:15of his generation.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18For almost 40 years he has been entertaining millions
0:00:18 > 0:00:22around the world both as lead singer of progressive rock group Thotch
0:00:22 > 0:00:24and as a solo artist.
0:00:24 > 0:00:29A true pioneer, Brian was the first person to use plasticine in videos.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33He invented world music.
0:00:33 > 0:00:34DRUMMING AND SCREAMING
0:00:34 > 0:00:36And was the first rock star
0:00:36 > 0:00:39to have his own computer game on the ZX Spectrum.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45But in an ever-changing world of illegal downloads
0:00:45 > 0:00:49and manufactured pop bands, how does an artist like Brian Pern
0:00:49 > 0:00:51stay relevant?
0:00:51 > 0:00:54In this three part series the notoriously private
0:00:54 > 0:00:58and reclusive Brian Pern has allowed the multi-award winning
0:00:58 > 0:01:02documentary maker Rhys Thomas OBE unlimited access into his life
0:01:02 > 0:01:04and work.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07This is not just an insight into the life of Brian Pern,
0:01:07 > 0:01:10but the music industry itself.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13This is Brian Pern: A Life In Rock.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17This programme contains strong language.
0:01:17 > 0:01:22No matter what you think of Brian Pern, he is a pioneer.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Brian Pern is one of those artists
0:01:24 > 0:01:26who has genuinely changed the face of music.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28I think he'll be best remembered,
0:01:28 > 0:01:33Brian, as someone who's worked with plasticine and for his world music.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36We've had our differences over the years, but you can't deny
0:01:36 > 0:01:41the fact that Brian was once the greatest front man in Thotch.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44He's one of those rock stars who really does care, even though
0:01:44 > 0:01:46sometimes his music's a bit...shit.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54In 1977, Brian Pern bought a disused abattoir
0:01:54 > 0:01:57and turned it into a state-of-the-art recording studio
0:01:57 > 0:01:58here in Surrey.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01BRIAN CHANTS
0:02:01 > 0:02:05I love to come down here. It's very bucolic, rustic. It's great.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08A lot of people come here and make music.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10This is the business book we have here.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14A lot of people come here and they sign.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16"Great condom machine." Bryan Ferry.
0:02:16 > 0:02:22"Great!" Adele. One word. "Can you see what it is yet?
0:02:22 > 0:02:24"Have a great summer." Rolf Harris. Oh.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27That better go.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Oh, that's a shame. From Kasabian.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32One of the great things about Poggle Sound Studios
0:02:32 > 0:02:35is I have musicians from all over the world coming here to record.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38I'm here with Mr Ali Qu'ack.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Ali is the only bone flute player left in the world.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43TOOTING
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Although we don't speak the same language, we speak music.
0:02:46 > 0:02:51SLOWLY: Ali, how long have you been playing the bone flute?
0:02:52 > 0:02:56HE SPEAKS FARSI
0:03:41 > 0:03:42OK.
0:03:42 > 0:03:43OPERATIC WARBLING
0:03:43 > 0:03:47One of Brian's discoveries is the Pepita Sanchez, Mexico's answer
0:03:47 > 0:03:51to Kate Bush, who he discovered busking in Acapulco in 1997
0:03:51 > 0:03:54and signed to his World Music record label.
0:03:54 > 0:03:55SHRIEKING
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- EXAGGERATED SPANISH ACCENT:- Brian is helping me record my album,
0:03:59 > 0:04:04but in return I have to do him a few other jobs around the studio and the house.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06SHE CHOKES
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Those bits, they won't go.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Ugh!
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Doing the cooking...
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Looking after any papers that arrive...
0:04:17 > 0:04:19You have very important post.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21A lady from Hull, she send you her downstairs hair.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23These are the pubic envelopes.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Um...
0:04:26 > 0:04:27..that's it.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Although Thotch split in 1977, the name,
0:04:32 > 0:04:35like the Beatles, Led Zeppelin and Then Jericho still lives on.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39But without new material or the ability to tour,
0:04:39 > 0:04:42how do bands continue to sell their brand?
0:04:42 > 0:04:45I went to ask their manager, John Farrow.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Well, David Cameron can fuck right off.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53No, I will not get Theresa May and him comps for Mungo Jerry at the Cambridge Corn Exchange.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Mungo needs all the help he can get, Dave is worth 35 million.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58He can pay for his own fucking tickets. Jesus Christ!
0:04:58 > 0:05:01These people try it on.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04As well as Brian and Thotch, his other clients include
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Elton John, Level 42, Erasure,
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Youssou Noel'Dour and Bananarama.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Some artists team up with an annoying bunch of French clowns
0:05:12 > 0:05:14and put on massive shows in Las Vegas.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Cirque du Soleil teamed up with
0:05:16 > 0:05:19the Beatles, Michael Jackson, Mike Batt...
0:05:19 > 0:05:22# Remember remember remember what a Womble Womble Womble you are. #
0:05:22 > 0:05:26The really lazy ones give the B-sides and the stuff at the bottom of the barrel to
0:05:26 > 0:05:28a couple of middle-aged twats in helmets who attempt to
0:05:28 > 0:05:32turn them into hits, but ultimately remix them into Europop bollocks.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35# ROBOTIC: Golden brown... #
0:05:35 > 0:05:40I, or rather we, Thotch, that is, have gone for the riskiest,
0:05:40 > 0:05:44though perhaps ultimately the most financially rewarding option -
0:05:44 > 0:05:46the jukebox musical.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Fucking jukebox musicals! They've killed musical theatre.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54The upshot is they get heterosexuals and the working classes
0:05:54 > 0:05:57going to the theatre, which is a good thing, I suppose.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00But the amount of Pringles these peasants consume
0:06:00 > 0:06:03during the performances is astonishing.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Theatres these days reek of sour cream and chives.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09We've all spent years crafting lyrics and melody,
0:06:09 > 0:06:12breaking barriers, doing things that have never been done before,
0:06:12 > 0:06:16and then some poxy comedian comes along with a greatest hits album
0:06:16 > 0:06:18that he found in the glove compartment of his car
0:06:18 > 0:06:21and he thinks he can turn it into a hit musical!
0:06:21 > 0:06:24It really fucks me off and it never works.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Apart from the ones that did, like We Will Rock You, Buddy,
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Mamma Mia, Jersey Boys and several others...
0:06:31 > 0:06:34With much persuasion, John has managed to assemble the original
0:06:34 > 0:06:38members of Thotch to discuss their jukebox musical, Stowe Boys.
0:06:39 > 0:06:44This is the first time they've all been in the same room for 35 years.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Thotch are a difficult bunch to deal with.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49After 35 years has taken its toll on me.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52It's thanks to them I've got three ex-wives, two stents
0:06:52 > 0:06:54and half a fucking eardrum.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57They're all very different people with one thing in common -
0:06:57 > 0:06:59they're all fucking impossible.
0:06:59 > 0:07:04You've got Brian, who was always the head of Thotch, as it were.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08Pat, who was the heart, passionate, instinctive.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11You've got Tony, who was the balls of the band.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13And the prick.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17Whereas John and Mike were the toes -
0:07:17 > 0:07:19I mean, chop them off and Thotch
0:07:19 > 0:07:22would carry on with a bit of a limp but not enough for anyone to notice.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29I hear you have a tour plan.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Um, yeah. Um...
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- Australia, Japan, North America. - Ah.- Hm.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- Concert halls? - Stadia.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43Oh.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51- What about you? You're rehearsing too.- Me?- Hm.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Er, yes, I'm at the O2 next week.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Oh, Greenwich Arena?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Westfield Shopping Centre.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03I've composed some new ringtones for the Nokia Lumia 625.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08We're performing them for the first time live in the store.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I've got some here.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15This is Traditional Bell.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17TINNY JANGLING
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Titanium Flake Modo One.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26MONOTONOUS PLONKING TONE
0:08:27 > 0:08:29And this is Shit Storm.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32THRASHING ROCK GUITAR
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Fucking Brian called.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41- He's very sorry but he can't make it today.- Typical.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44I knew he wouldn't bother to turn up. What's he doing?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Tea-bagging Angela Merkel or something? Christ!
0:08:47 > 0:08:51He says he stuck overseas doing some work for the United Nations.
0:08:51 > 0:08:56- But it's all right, I've got him on this. Hello, Brian.- 'Yes?'
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Can you hear us?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00'I can hear you, John, yes.'
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Right, thanks for coming. What did you think of the new draft?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08'Well, I thought the first part was great
0:09:08 > 0:09:12'but I must admit I lost interest after I left.'
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Oh, yeah.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17PAT: I thought it was a complete fabrication of the truth.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21Brian is depicted as this wonderful free-spirited artist who
0:09:21 > 0:09:24dominates the group and we're nothing more than cardboard cut-outs
0:09:24 > 0:09:27who had little to do with the band's success at all!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29I hated it.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32It made me out to be some vain musical novice only
0:09:32 > 0:09:33interested in flange.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36John and Mike don't have any lines, do you?
0:09:36 > 0:09:39'Well, I thought it was an accurate
0:09:39 > 0:09:41'depiction of their contribution to Thotch pre-1977.'
0:09:41 > 0:09:43PAT: It's very stuffy in here.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46'Basically, the band was me at that stage.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47'I was the driving force.'
0:09:47 > 0:09:49PAT LAUGHS
0:09:51 > 0:09:54HE YAWNS OSTENTATIOUSLY
0:09:54 > 0:09:56HIS VOICE ECHOES: Well, I'm really tired here.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00It's about three in the morning and I've got terrible jet lag.
0:10:00 > 0:10:07So I'll probably be turning in now and having a sleep. So good night.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Ohhh...
0:10:09 > 0:10:12It was interesting when we were following you the other day
0:10:12 > 0:10:15when you had your first meeting with the rest of the group.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18You pretended to be on the phone from somewhere else. Why did you do that?
0:10:18 > 0:10:21But that's not going to be in the film, is it?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- No, that won't be in the film, no.- OK.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Tell us about the break-up of Thotch and how hard was that for you?
0:10:27 > 0:10:30It was pretty hard, but in some ways it was a good thing.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33I think we'd come to the end of our natural life as a band.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37I had a lot of ideas that I wanted to put into practice.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41The other members of Thotch felt they were marginalised and they said
0:10:41 > 0:10:46they wanted more input and we argued and I said, "OK, that's it, I'll go."
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Brian didn't leave the band, he quit the band and there's a big difference.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Leaving requires dignity and integrity.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Quitting is a coward's way out
0:10:54 > 0:10:59and Brian chose the coward's way out and Brian bloody well quit.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02HE PLAYS A ROCK RIFF
0:11:02 > 0:11:03He was a coward.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05You were best friends.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07I mean, you were the two friends at school who were in separable.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08Yeah, we were friends.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12But is it like losing a brother in a weird way?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16No.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21The actor playing Brian Pern has asked to meet him for research.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- Hello.- Hi. Thanks for seeing me, Brian.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27The reason I wanted to meet up is because when I'm playing a real person
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I like to get myself under their skin,
0:11:29 > 0:11:32get to know how they live and breathe.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33I want to do you justice.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- Understood.- So a couple things.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Do you have any tics?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40No.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45- Any speech impediments or disabilities I can latch onto?- No.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Do you suffer from depression?
0:11:48 > 0:11:52No. Any tragedy in your life that haunts you?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54No.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Ah, were you beaten as a child or buggered at boarding school?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59No.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Shame.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Not a lot to go on there, really.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Lovely, thanks.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Wow! I could use that.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14That's really good.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18- That whole... - HE GRUNTS- ..eating like a pig.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21I'm hungry.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22HE SLURPS
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Ahhhh.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- HE SLURPS - Ahhh...
0:12:28 > 0:12:31THEY URINATE
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Aha, you aim for the soap cube. That's interesting.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39And you shake...twice. Yeah, I can use that.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Oh, come on!
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Come on!
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Stowe Boys producer Cameron Mackintosh has chosen actress
0:12:46 > 0:12:50and director Kathy Burke to direct her first jukebox musical.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53No, I've never done a jukebox musical before.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57I usually do experimental stuff - low-budget, hard-hitting.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Because to be quite honest,
0:12:59 > 0:13:03I think jukebox musicals are usually a bit shit, you know.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04Some of them.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Well, most of them, really.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09But I just thought this would be a bit different.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12She can't direct something like this!
0:13:12 > 0:13:16She's working fucking class, that's why. I told you to get Terry Nunn.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Well, what's she going to know about four blokes from Stowe and chord structure?
0:13:19 > 0:13:22God Almighty, it takes your breath away. Jesus!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24I think she's a good choice.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I think she's a good choice to direct some kitchen sink
0:13:26 > 0:13:28fucking Cockney jellied eel fucking tragedy
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Upstairs at the Royal fucking Court, but this is a different league.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Kathy!
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Yes, great to have you on board.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36HE SPLUTTERS
0:13:36 > 0:13:38(Don't fucking "darling" me, old love!)
0:13:40 > 0:13:41Sorry, missed that.
0:13:43 > 0:13:48- The actor playing me. - What about him?- Well, he's Japanese.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50No, he's Chinese, actually, Pat.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54- I'm not.- Look, we need a bit of ethnic diversity, right?
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Otherwise is just four middle-class white men and who wants that?
0:13:58 > 0:13:59I don't.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Were you ever a fan of Thotch?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04SHE LAUGHS No. No, I thought they were crap.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10- So why are you doing it? - Well, the money.
0:14:10 > 0:14:15So the programmes have come in. Happy?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17- Has this been approved by Brian and Tony?- Yeah.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- Well, I don't like it.- Why?
0:14:21 > 0:14:26There are six group shots of us and then there are two singles of me,
0:14:26 > 0:14:30Mike, Tony, one of John and four of Brian!
0:14:31 > 0:14:36- And?- I think we should all have an equal number of single shots.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Right.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Apart from John and Mike.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45The part of Tony Pebble is played by comedian
0:14:45 > 0:14:49and actor Jack Whitehall in his West End musical debut.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Tony is kind of a bimbo. Let's get it right.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55He's not a man who has any intellectual curiosity.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59He is a man who's interested in notches on a bedpost.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03So this is the groupie scene.
0:15:03 > 0:15:08Jack, you come in and then Angie and Sam will pull down your flares,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11we will fade the lights down,
0:15:11 > 0:15:13but we'll finish on a nice spot on your face
0:15:13 > 0:15:15as you're spilling the beans.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Right. Sort of, like...
0:15:18 > 0:15:19HE GROANS
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- Oh, it's lovely. - Wait, hang on a second.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Wa-a-ait a minute.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25A couple of things.
0:15:25 > 0:15:30First of all, my groupies, they were a lot more attractive than those two
0:15:30 > 0:15:31and considerably younger.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33If you could get another couple of birds, that would be great.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36And the other thing, Jack,
0:15:36 > 0:15:37your squirt face?
0:15:37 > 0:15:40It was nothing like me. Mine was like this.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42OK?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Never let anyone know what's going on in here.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Mysterious, like this.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Even when you're done, not even a sound, not a squeak, just...
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Nothing.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53OK, you have a go.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Yeah, yeah, that'll do. Sorry to bother you. Carry on.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00Thanks, Tone.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Fucking hell, just do what you want.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03I don't...fucking...
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I don't like my hair in this one.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08And this one makes it look like I've got a double chin.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- Can we change those?- Right.- OK.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14And my ex-wife took this picture,
0:16:14 > 0:16:16which means she gets the royalties,
0:16:16 > 0:16:20which means she gets expensive avocados delivered by Ocado.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21I don't want that.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- Fine.- Does Brian like it?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- Yep.- I hate it.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29With the opening night looming,
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Brian is heading to the theatre to watch the dress run of Stowe Boys
0:16:32 > 0:16:33for the very first time.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Ned's been with me for some time and he's been a jolly good driver,
0:16:43 > 0:16:44but he's lost his licence
0:16:44 > 0:16:49and has two kids, one of whom is not the full ticket,
0:16:49 > 0:16:54and I don't think it's fair that he should lose his weekly pay,
0:16:54 > 0:16:55so I'm driving.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Do you like Fred Basset?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59He's fucking funny.
0:16:59 > 0:17:00He's a dog
0:17:00 > 0:17:04and he's a dog that thinks and you can see what he thinks.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05He's funny.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08Can I have a piss?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Oh, where the gosh, darn, heck is Brian?!
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Yeah, he's always late. I can't take this any more!
0:17:13 > 0:17:17Guys, I am leaving the group.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21- What?- I have a unique vision which cannot be stifled.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24I feel the need to go solo.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- You've got to be joking!- Hey!
0:17:26 > 0:17:28We're in the middle of a tour, Brian!
0:17:28 > 0:17:31And we've got an album to deliver!
0:17:31 > 0:17:32I am going to kill you!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34No, no, no, stop this, it's ridiculous.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35- KATHY:- Brian, what are you doing?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37We're in the middle of a run-through here.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39There was never any violence in Thotch.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41I would never throw a banana at someone.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- You, the singer, what's your name? - Martin.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Yes, he was playing me.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49When you're performing, you're too wired, edgy, almost punk.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- Well... - You need to be more free.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55When I was performing, I used to stare out into the vortex.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57I was watching over the underplanet.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Have you not seen any of my DVDs?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03I have and I haven't.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04What does that mean?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Well, no, I have seen some DVDs, yeah.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07OK, actually not the covers?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- You've watched the DVDs? - I've watched the DVDs,
0:18:10 > 0:18:12and I thought, to be fair, I was giving a good shot, sorry.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- Well, you think so? - I think it's great.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Can we just get on with it, please now, Brian?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19And also, are you going to shave your beard off?
0:18:19 > 0:18:20- I can't shave the beard. - Why?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Because I'm doing a film at the moment.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Right.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26It's a BBC Four thing, it's a biopic.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27About?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29About Chas 'n' Dave, if you must know.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31- Which one are you playing? - I'm playing both.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37I mean, I really resent this circumference.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Do the others like it?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42No.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43I quite like it.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Lovely circumference.
0:18:52 > 0:18:53I don't like this at all.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- What does Brian think?- Hates it.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Actually...
0:18:59 > 0:19:00I think it's quite amusing.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04With just a day to go before previews,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06tempers are fraught inside the theatre.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Don't you people understand this is a dress rehearsal?
0:19:09 > 0:19:10Right?
0:19:10 > 0:19:14This is my stage, my space, and you people have no place here, right?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Kathy, this is our life and you're turning it into a lie.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19There's a scene in act two where Mike dies
0:19:19 > 0:19:21from a sexually transmitted disease.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22So?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Mike's never had a sexually transmitted disease
0:19:25 > 0:19:26and he's not dead!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28This is the problem, cos when I got the script
0:19:28 > 0:19:29it was just boring, right?
0:19:29 > 0:19:33Your lives are boring, so I just needed to give it a bit of zhuzh.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- Zhuzh?- What is zhuzh? - Zhuzh, you know?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Oomph, I had to oomph it up a bit, right?
0:19:38 > 0:19:41When people come and see a show about fucking rock'n'roll,
0:19:41 > 0:19:42that's what they want.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45They want sex, drugs, scandal and death,
0:19:45 > 0:19:49and that's why I gave Mike an STD and killed him.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Yes, but the thing that makes Thotch unique
0:19:52 > 0:19:54is that we weren't like any other band.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Listen, Brian, Pat...
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Fuck off!
0:20:02 > 0:20:05'On the opening night, the plan is, for the first time,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08you're going to come in together and be on stage together for the encore.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11I get the impression that you're not really going to end up doing that.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14I think we will. I think we're all thawing a little.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Let's face it, it's kind of childish,
0:20:17 > 0:20:19the way we treat each other.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Nevertheless,
0:20:22 > 0:20:24it's not my fault.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25It's theirs.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Finally, it's the opening night of Stowe Boys, The Musical,
0:20:31 > 0:20:33and the curtain goes up in 45 minutes.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49We're going to be late, Brian. We've got to go.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52I realise that but, Peter, will you please hurry?
0:20:52 > 0:20:53- APPROACHING:- Coming, Brian.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56OK, I'm ready. Come, come. Come, come. Let's go, let's go.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Oh, God. What are you wearing?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- KNOCKING - You don't like it?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01- We're going to the theatre. - It is not tight enough?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Look, would you mind walking around six or seven paces behind me
0:21:04 > 0:21:06because we don't want the press to think...
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Ai! Not this again!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- Metropolitan police.- Why can I not stand shoulder to shoulder with you?
0:21:10 > 0:21:15- Mr Brian Pern?- Yes.- I'm DC Mike Northwood, this is DC Bovis.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17We have a warrant to search this premises.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- You're joking?- You OK with the filming, by the way?
0:21:20 > 0:21:25These are Channel 5, they're doing a documentary on Operation Bad Apples.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26Bad apples?
0:21:26 > 0:21:29No, you misunderstand the situation. My name is Brian Pern.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33Yes? Tonight, I'm opening a musical. Tonight, in the West End.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36That's as may be, sir, I'm afraid you won't be able to attend
0:21:36 > 0:21:38because you need to come to the station with us.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Call John Farrow. Ned! Call John Farrow. Now.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Hello?
0:21:47 > 0:21:48Oh, Jesus Christ.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- What have you done?- I have not done anything. I don't understand this.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53- Are you one of those?- One of whats?
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Get your husband an overnight bag, any medications he might need,
0:21:57 > 0:21:59toothpaste, floss, wet wipes...
0:21:59 > 0:22:01I'm not her husband.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03But, look, what is the charge? I don't understand.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to divulge that at this stage, sir.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10- That's why you need to come to the station.- Brian, don't say a word.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Keep it shtoom. You say two words to these fuckers and they'll have you.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Wait for your brief, yeah?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16- Brian's been arrested. - What? What for?
0:22:16 > 0:22:17Fucking good question.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20They've taken his hard drives and computers.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- Well, that's it. We're finished aren't we?- Fuck.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27Surely not Brian, I mean, Tony, it wouldn't surprise me, but Brian?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30That's it. We're finished. They won't play our music any more.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Our CDs will be taken off the shelves.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Our musical, fuck!
0:22:34 > 0:22:35Our musical! What are going to do?
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Don't panic, don't panic.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40You go to the theatre, do nothing. I'll go and sort it out.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42It's a fucking witch hunt.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Anything you want to tell me, Tony?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- I brought your shoes. - He won't need spare shoes.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50But he has terrible corns.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54And also your favourite wipes. They ones that don't give you the rash.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Yes, can I just stop you there, ma'am.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Are they bum wipes or facial wipes?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Because unfortunately, you can't flush the facials
0:23:00 > 0:23:04down the toilets in the nick because it blocks the pipes.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07We had a fatberg recently.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09They are flushable Huggies.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Oh, well, that's all right, then, isn't it?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- Is that all right?- Yeah, it is all right. Flushable Huggies, oh, yeah.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16What is a fatberg?
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Well, fatberg, it's a...
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Fat, you see, at the takeaway restaurants, they...
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- They tip it down the sink. - They tip it down the sink.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28They fail to let it solidify, so what happens is, like, you get...
0:23:28 > 0:23:30- Build-up.- Build-up, yeah, it's like a build-up,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33it's like a build-up and they become... bergs, you know?
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Fatbergs.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36- Why are we talking about fat?- I feel sick.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Off you go, lads. Come on. Good luck, good luck, good luck.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53We would like to confirm that Bad Apple officers have arrested
0:23:53 > 0:23:57a 62-year-old man in relation to crimes
0:23:57 > 0:24:03which cannot be divulged for reasons of national security.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07- Hey, guys. I don't know what to do about my parents.- What's happened?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10They say if we don't get a record deal soon,
0:24:10 > 0:24:14they'll give us £10,000 to record an album ourselves.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16We don't even have to pay them back.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19That sucks, man.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21If only our parents weren't so supportive.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25How terrible it is to be posh and privileged.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- Brian.- John.- What have you done? - I don't know.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33They've confiscated all my instruments.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Years of music and ideas.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39Unheard demos, DATs, rough mixes, 12 inch mixes...
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Brian, what have you done? Please tell me.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44It doesn't matter how weird, I can take it.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48Nuns, newts, flatulence, biscuits, I don't care what it is, just tell me.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- Brian Cornelius Pern?- Yes.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Is this about the poll tax EP I released with The Levellers in 1990?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59I realise I made some damning comments about the constabulary.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01No, it's much more serious than that, sir.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04You are suspected of harbouring a known criminal
0:25:04 > 0:25:07and felon known as Ali Qu'ack.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08What?
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Jesus Christ. Is that it? You're arresting him for that?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14What do you mean, "Is that it?" It's a very serious crime, sir.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16You're making a terrible mistake.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Ali Qu'ack is one of the greatest musicians in the world.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Not according to the Foreign Office, sir.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24He's a convicted kidnapper, forger and human trafficker.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26This is one of your peasant bloody flute players, isn't it?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Terrible news.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30- What is going to happen to me? - Nothing. They're letting you go.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33You come to my client's home and arrest him with some spurious guff
0:25:33 > 0:25:35about a fucking Iranian camel rustler, where's the proof?
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Hang on a minute, who are you?
0:25:36 > 0:25:38I'm your worst nightmare. Where's the proof?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40We've got payments from his account.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Yes, from a session recording, you plum.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45You can't vet every musician who records at his studio,
0:25:45 > 0:25:48it's like arresting Fred West's landlord, for fuck's sake.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51You're going to release him now, and you're going to make a full apology
0:25:51 > 0:25:53on the news tonight, or I'm on the phone to Theresa May
0:25:53 > 0:25:56and you're directing traffic in Norwich on Monday morning.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58- Have you got that? - Yeah, right.- Yeah, right.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08It's me. Do Dave and Theresa still want comps for Mungo Jerry?
0:26:12 > 0:26:16- That was amazing.- Shall we go and get a pint?- Yes. What is a pint?
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Brian! You are OK! You are not in Wormwood Scrubs.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23No, it was a false alarm. How are the house band, Ned?.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25I don't know, there haven't been any songs yet.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27What do you mean no songs? it's the interval.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29- I know, it was like watching a play or something.- Yes.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- What?- No songs.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39- What's happened to all my songs? - Er, we cut all the songs, Brian.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41You cut all the songs in the first half?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43No, we've cut all the songs from the entire show, Brian.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48- What?- It was a unanimous decision, wasn't it? The songs are too long.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50It was slowing up the story.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52But it's a jukebox musical.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54It's a jukebox musical but without the music.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56- See, that's never been done before.- It's clever.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58But the fans want to hear Thotch music.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01No, but this isn't about the fans, Brian.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03This is about enticing in new audiences,
0:27:03 > 0:27:06and they don't want to sit through 43 minute numbers about frogs
0:27:06 > 0:27:09and crows and fairies and shit.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Have you spoken to Pat and Tony about this?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Right, Pat, so, what's going on is that
0:27:15 > 0:27:17the musical's running a bit too long
0:27:17 > 0:27:20so we're thinking about taking the music out of the musical.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22That's a terrible idea.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26- Have you told Brian about it? - No, no. Can't get hold of him.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28Well...
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Well, he'll hate it, I'm sure.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31Actually, erm...
0:27:31 > 0:27:33I think you might be on to something here.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34Yeah.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- Yeah, yeah. They're fine with it.- Well, I am not!
0:27:37 > 0:27:38The show will not go on.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40What? There's a full house out there.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43This is my band, my songs, my vision and my investment.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Unless you're prepared to go out there and sing those songs,
0:27:46 > 0:27:47you will remain here.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Listen, it may be your music, mate,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52but this is my show and this is my cast.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54- I mean it.- Yeah, well, so do I.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57- OVER TANNOY:- ..beginners to stage, please.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03- The show will not go on.- Open the door, Brian! Don't be a dick!- No.
0:28:03 > 0:28:04How are we supposed to get out?
0:28:04 > 0:28:07- Work it out for yourself, Sherlock. - I don't fucking play Sherlock.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11I don't care. I don't watch the programme anyway. I prefer Bergerac.