0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains strong language
0:00:06 > 0:00:08This year is the 10th anniversary of the 20th anniversary
0:00:08 > 0:00:12of the non-release of Brian Pern's musical version
0:00:12 > 0:00:14of The Day Of The Triffids.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17To celebrate, Brian plans to stage the entire album
0:00:17 > 0:00:21live from the peak of Mount Kilimanjaro in Africa
0:00:21 > 0:00:23with a host of special guests.
0:00:23 > 0:00:28Brian has allowed multi-award-winning documentary maker Rhys Thomas, OBE,
0:00:28 > 0:00:33unlimited access backstage to this groundbreaking show.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36This is Brian Pern: A Life In Rock.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Right, Brian, a couple of things before we get down to business.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Who Do You Think You Are, the genealogy programme, has been in touch.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51They seem to think they can get a very good show out of your ancestry.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52What have they discovered?
0:00:52 > 0:00:56It turns out you are related to the first official lesbian.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00And the bloke who invented the top hat.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Hmm. Interesting.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Yeah. That's what I thought. Anyway, I turned it down for you.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Why?
0:01:06 > 0:01:09You're too busy. You'll be rehearsing the greatest hits tour.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12- Oh, I wanted to talk to you about that, John.- Oh, yeah?
0:01:12 > 0:01:16You see, I was remastering some old tracks for the anthology box set,
0:01:16 > 0:01:18and I came across The Day Of The Triffids album.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Do you know it's 36 years old this year?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22And you still haven't fucking finished it.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26John, I want to stage a one-off concert on the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro,
0:01:26 > 0:01:29like we initially planned in 1977.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30It's so much more relevant now,
0:01:30 > 0:01:34with GM crops, nature turning against man.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Brian, do understand how much a one-off concert like that would cost?
0:01:38 > 0:01:41I don't care about the cost, John. This is for the planet.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45Every second, a moth dies in Africa due to be effect of wi-fi on their wings.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Did you know that?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49No, I didn't.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52So you want me to call Live Nation, call off the tour?
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Yes.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57And ask them to put up money for you to perform an unreleased album of unheard material,
0:01:57 > 0:02:00live from the peak of one of the remotest mountains in the world?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03I don't think it's too much to ask.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07CLASSICAL MUSIC
0:02:09 > 0:02:16As far back as 1967, I always wanted to write my own rock opera. Er, yeah.
0:02:16 > 0:02:21- MAN:- I recall lending Brian my copy of The Day Of The Triffids, which I'd been given for Christmas,
0:02:21 > 0:02:23and I'd hidden some mucky pictures inside.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26I used to pass it round the dorm.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28They'd borrow it for a little knob wattle
0:02:28 > 0:02:30and then hand it back, you know?
0:02:30 > 0:02:35Anyway, typically, Brian, he borrows the book for a week.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36Doesn't look at the pictures - oh, no.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39He's reading the bloody thing and then he hands it back,
0:02:39 > 0:02:41and he's mapped out this entire rock opera.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Lyrics, notes, chords, the whole shebang. Yeah.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49And oh, yeah, there's the mucky picture!
0:02:49 > 0:02:50HE LAUGHS
0:02:50 > 0:02:52It's pretty tame by today's standards
0:02:52 > 0:02:56but I would, wouldn't you?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Pink Floyd have recently released Live In Pompeii,
0:02:58 > 0:03:00which was essentially four blokes melting
0:03:00 > 0:03:03on some bloody volcanic rock formation.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05So Brian thought Thotch could go one better,
0:03:05 > 0:03:07and put on a musical version of Day Of The Triffids,
0:03:07 > 0:03:09live from the peak of Kilimanjaro,
0:03:09 > 0:03:10complete with actors,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13meteor showers, 10-foot triffids - Jesus Christ.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17Brian got us in to rehearse for the show, and we worked from his demos,
0:03:17 > 0:03:21and, well, we improved them, frankly.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23And then we saw the mock-up of the posters -
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Brian Pern's musical version of The Day Of The Triffids,
0:03:26 > 0:03:28and I thought, "Where the hell are our names?"
0:03:28 > 0:03:30This was supposed to be a Thotch project.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Jesus, I'm not a fucking, you know, session musician.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37So I told him to go fuck himself with the rough end of a pineapple.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40And um...
0:03:40 > 0:03:42..we haven't spoken since.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Good evening. No, I'm not Bob Harris after the operation.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54I'm Anne Nightingale, looking after the Whistle Test this week.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Brian Pern appeared on the Old Grey Whistle Test -
0:03:57 > 0:04:00his first solo appearance -
0:04:00 > 0:04:02and it was a bit of a shock to all of us really,
0:04:02 > 0:04:05because he turned up as a giant triffid.
0:04:05 > 0:04:10Well, since I've left Thotch, I've been spreading my wings a little.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12We're now doing a full Day Of The Triffids album.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14We've recorded quite a lot of music
0:04:14 > 0:04:19and the way it's going, it could end up maybe, double, quadruple.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23I felt that the album needed a form of verbal spine.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24I thought,
0:04:24 > 0:04:28"Why don't we get a big film star to do the narration for the album?"
0:04:28 > 0:04:31And we are very lucky to have Mr Roger Moore.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Well, to cut a long story marginally shorter,
0:04:33 > 0:04:38I was in the middle of filming The Wild Geese in some sandy place,
0:04:38 > 0:04:41playing the main goose, of course,
0:04:41 > 0:04:42when I had a phone call from my agent
0:04:42 > 0:04:47saying that a rock star called Brian Pern, of whom I'd never heard,
0:04:47 > 0:04:51wanted me to narrate his musical version of Day Of The Triffids,
0:04:51 > 0:04:55which happened to be one of my favourite books,
0:04:55 > 0:04:56along with The Very Hungry Caterpillar.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- WOMAN:- I mean, no-one knew what a triffid looked like, did they? Cos they didn't exist.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09So I took it upon myself to just make it up.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11I went down Kew Gardens in the middle of the night
0:05:11 > 0:05:15and I nicked all sorts of rare plants, flora, fungi.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18It's amazing what one woman, a small axe and 30 bags of speed can do!
0:05:19 > 0:05:23BAND PLAYS
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- ROGER MOORE:- This can't be happening! It was a meteorite!
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Am I the only one who can see?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31# The triffids descend from the skies
0:05:31 > 0:05:33# To sting your eyes...
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Who is to blame for this catastrophe?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39The Russians, or tearaway kids?
0:05:39 > 0:05:44No. It's those wretched carnivorous triffids!
0:05:44 > 0:05:49What you have to remember is that it had never been done before.
0:05:49 > 0:05:55An actor on a rock album? Are you crazy? It was unheard of back then.
0:05:57 > 0:06:0020-a-penny these days. Everyone does it.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I can think of at least... no examples.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05BAND PLAYS
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Unheard of back then but it came at a price. Hated each other.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16After we'd recorded the first two tracks we went back to Abbey Road
0:06:16 > 0:06:20and he made me record every word in the English language separately,
0:06:20 > 0:06:22in several different styles -
0:06:22 > 0:06:26excited, scary, scared, sexy, with indigestion -
0:06:26 > 0:06:29just so that he had all of the options
0:06:29 > 0:06:31to stitch everything together.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33In the end, he took 13 years,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36cos he kept coming back and he never actually finished the album.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40Well, yeah, that was not really my fault, although it was my fault.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41But anyway.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45Which is why the album still hasn't been released
0:06:45 > 0:06:46and I've never been paid.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48The bastard - excuse my Dutch.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Of course Jeff Wayne nicked the idea.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52He was in the studio next to us all along
0:06:52 > 0:06:53with the fucking cup to the wall.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56He also nicked the idea of using a wild goose narrator.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58We had Moore, so we go Burton.
0:06:58 > 0:07:03Fortunately Jeff's a client, has been for 40 years so...every cloud.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11To prepare for the Kilimanjaro concert, Brian is staging a warm-up
0:07:11 > 0:07:15show at Wembley Arena three weeks before the actual performance.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I like to get involved in every aspect of the production.
0:07:18 > 0:07:24I have mandate and veto on every little piece of the jigsaw,
0:07:24 > 0:07:30otherwise the jigsaw will have a piece missing.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34OK, I must reiterate this is completely meat-free concert.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36We have a zero tolerance policy on all meat products.
0:07:36 > 0:07:41I don't want any meat traded, sold in the auditorium, front of house,
0:07:41 > 0:07:44in a foyer, backstage.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45- OK? - Fine.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Only query we have from the arena management is where you
0:07:48 > 0:07:50stand on jelly babies.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51Jelly babies?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53They contain gelatine which is a by-product of cow,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56pig and other animal skin and bone.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58In that case, John, they're off the menu.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Problem is Bassetts are a big sponsor.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04- They have donated a heck of a lot of dosh.- I don't think so, John.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Once you let one in, you open the floodgates, you know?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10It's wine gums, fruit pastilles, flying saucers,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12fireman's laces, star mix.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14I don't want to get embedded with the...
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Is there some kind of vegetarian jelly baby on the market?
0:08:19 > 0:08:20I don't know, Brian.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24I'll put that on my list of pointless things to do this week.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28With weeks to go before the concert,
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Brian must undergo a medical test for insurance purposes.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33He has come to Harley Street for a check-up.
0:08:35 > 0:08:40- So your blood pressure is rather high which concerns me.- Really?
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Yep, and it sounds like you have a heart murmur
0:08:43 > 0:08:47so I would like you to have an ECG scan so that we can establish
0:08:47 > 0:08:50whether it's harmless or not or whether it's caused by acquired
0:08:50 > 0:08:53valve disease or a congenital defect.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- OK.- Brian, couple of snags.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- Roger Moore cant make it in person at the warm-up show.- Why?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- He's stuck in New Zealand filming. - What?- Don't panic.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- He's gonna do it live on Skype from his hotel room.- Right.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- Big concern is the ticket sales for the warm-up show.- Why?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12The promoters put sold out on the posters too soon so everybody
0:09:12 > 0:09:15actually thinks the show has sold out and they stopped buying tickets.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17- So the show hasn't sold out? - No. Of course not.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19You're performing your latest album in its entirety.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Nobody wants to hear that shit. They want hits. I did tell you.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24But, John, it's an unheard masterpiece.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26You've got to get out there, do a big publicity push.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I've got you on The Wright Stuff tomorrow morning.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Don't make me go on The Wright Stuff. I hate publicity, John.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33You know I believe that the music should speak for itself.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Well, your music will be speaking to a fuckload of empty seats on Friday
0:09:36 > 0:09:38unless you do something about it.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45CHEERING
0:09:45 > 0:09:47On the panel today, it's internet vine sensation,
0:09:47 > 0:09:49comedian Shits and Giggles.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51CHEERING
0:09:51 > 0:09:54We have got annoying Australian author and broadcaster, Kathy Lette.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56CHEERING
0:09:56 > 0:09:59And finally, rock star, campaigner
0:09:59 > 0:10:01and lead singer of the Thotch, Brian Pern.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06So you want me to go on television and say the show is not sold out?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08No, no, no, no. Don't do that, for Christ's sake.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10- We don't want them to think we haven't sold out.- I'm confused.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Brian, you're playing a warm-up gig, is that right, at Wembley Arena?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- That's right.- And what exactly are you warming up for?
0:10:16 > 0:10:17We're putting on a concert,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20the first concert at the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22We are raising awareness for moths that are dying in Africa.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Fantastic stuff. Where can we get tickets to see the show?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28You say tickets have sold in record time
0:10:28 > 0:10:31but some extra ones have just been released, OK?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- Well, I'm afraid the concert's sold out.- I'm sorry. We've got to move on.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36We've got to get to the headlines.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39So what's your story from the papers, please?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Oh, this is a story from The Lancet.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43It essentially ties in with the concert.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Moths are dying across the world
0:10:45 > 0:10:46from wi-fi signals.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47It's interfering with
0:10:47 > 0:10:48their navigation systems
0:10:48 > 0:10:50and they're having terrible headaches
0:10:50 > 0:10:52and they're literally falling from the skies.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56The article suggests that we ban wi-fi around moths
0:10:56 > 0:11:01- and I just wonder what the audience thinks.- Man at the back? Flaky skin.
0:11:01 > 0:11:06- Yeah.- I think we all live with wi-fi today. You can't just throw it away.
0:11:06 > 0:11:13I use wi-fi 60% of the day. I use a moth 0% of the day or about that.
0:11:13 > 0:11:18- So, yeah.- OK. Good point. Clearly, it's a tough issue, isn't it, Kathy?
0:11:18 > 0:11:19It is a tough issue.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Moths to me are butterflies without the personality, aren't they?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24LAUGHTER
0:11:24 > 0:11:26So I say get out the mothballs.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Minge!
0:11:29 > 0:11:32- Can I just actually say that we haven't sold out? - The man in the front.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Yeah, I think it is a bit of a joke, actually,
0:11:34 > 0:11:36him saying that he's going to save the moths
0:11:36 > 0:11:39but he finds it apparently impossible to just
0:11:39 > 0:11:42sign a photo of himself which I've sent to him
0:11:42 > 0:11:45with a stamp-addressed envelope and he can't even do that
0:11:45 > 0:11:48and then pop it in the post or get one of his many minions to put it
0:11:48 > 0:11:49in the post for him.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51This is typical, Matthew,
0:11:51 > 0:11:53of the attitude that these rock'n'roll stars have to all
0:11:53 > 0:11:57the fans who dedicate their time and their money to their careers.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Let me tell you, Brian Pern, I've spent
0:11:59 > 0:12:03thousands of thousands of pounds on you over the years - the albums
0:12:03 > 0:12:06and the singles and the bass player's shit solo albums, right?
0:12:06 > 0:12:10And incidentally, you owe me an apology for all the sex that
0:12:10 > 0:12:14I missed out on before I got married cos women would come back
0:12:14 > 0:12:17to my house, I'd play your music - taxi home. That was it.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20And if I'd played them something like Simply Red, I would've been
0:12:20 > 0:12:23boffing them every which way. It's not funny.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26I got up at five o'clock this morning, come from Basingstoke just
0:12:26 > 0:12:28so I could maybe catch you on the way in for a little selfie, right?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31But no, you couldn't spare five poxy seconds
0:12:31 > 0:12:33for one poxy little photograph.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Cos you were too busy coming in here
0:12:34 > 0:12:38and sitting down and probably having some croissants or something.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40I'm telling you what - you've sold out. You're just...
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- Get off it. - Oooh.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48What did you bring your manager in for, Brian?
0:12:48 > 0:12:49LAUGHTER
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Minge!
0:12:52 > 0:12:56- Hello, John.- Brian, good news. - Just wait. I'm just on the phone.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00We've got great sponsorship offers from Millets, Lilywhites, North Face
0:13:00 > 0:13:01and Blacks for the Kilimanjaro show
0:13:01 > 0:13:03and all they want in return is a few free tickets.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06I don't want anything to do with Blacks, I'm afraid.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- Why not?- I'm not a fan of Blacks, to be honest.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11I'm sure they're perfectly decent people. It's just a personal thing.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Blacks are donating a lot of money and equipment, Brian.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15John, if you want the truth,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Steph had a thing with a member of staff at the Oxford Street branch
0:13:18 > 0:13:23and it's all a bit raw so I'd rather just stay away from Blacks, if possible.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Later that day, Brian's come to Wembley for a tech rehearsal.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30- There he is. Racist.- Egg him! - Oi!- Oi, you tosser!
0:13:30 > 0:13:32You racist!
0:13:32 > 0:13:34What are you doing? They're egging me.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Fuck off, Brian!
0:13:35 > 0:13:36What's going on, John?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38There's protestors outside throwing eggs at me.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- I've been calling you all morning. Have you seen Twitter?- No.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42Look at this.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44I'm not a fan of Blacks, to be honest.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46What is this?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48This one's quite funny, as it goes. They've put music with it.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52I'm not a fan of Blacks, to be honest. What is this?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Some sound fuck-up on The Wright Stuff.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Your mike was still live when you said you didn't want anything to do
0:13:57 > 0:14:00with Blacks whilst promoting your benefit concert in Africa.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- This is terrible.- I don't know.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Bad publicity is better than none at all.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06And the show's sounding like shitcakes.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09- I need to issue a statement.- Fine. Do it live on The One Show.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12They want an exclusive with you. Make sure you plug the show.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13We've got just 24 hours to fill seats
0:14:13 > 0:14:16and buy some Calpol to save some moths.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18- I'm not comfortable with this, John.- I am.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20It's the only way we'll sell out.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- What's this? - Oh, it's the triffid.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24It's nice, isn't it?
0:14:25 > 0:14:30# One, one, one. #
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Brian, before we talk about The Day Of The Triffids concert,
0:14:34 > 0:14:37I have to ask you about this footage that's been leaked online,
0:14:37 > 0:14:39because it's pretty shocking, isn't it?
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Yes, the whole thing's been a huge misunderstanding.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46I was on the phone to...Blacks. Not Blacks. Blacks the clothing store.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Yes.
0:14:48 > 0:14:55So we have released some more tickets for the show, some seats aside
0:14:55 > 0:14:59and both sides actually, so please come.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Come on, come all.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Now here's Gyles Brandreth with his report
0:15:03 > 0:15:06on the hidden benefits of starch.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- MELVYN BRAGG:- Finally, it's the night of the show
0:15:09 > 0:15:11and with the eyes of the world watching,
0:15:11 > 0:15:12Brian is about to unleash
0:15:12 > 0:15:15his Day Of The Triffids rock spectacular
0:15:15 > 0:15:16into the universe.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21These days, obviously, one can download an album onto an iPod
0:15:21 > 0:15:23but can one download a live experience?
0:15:23 > 0:15:27The warmth, the crowd, the interaction, the swaying hands,
0:15:27 > 0:15:32the mosh pits, the sweat, the heat, the body odour, the lager fumes.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34I'm actually feeling a little sick now.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Um...no.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- > Brian? - Yes?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- Mark and Paul have come to see you. - Oh, they haven't, have they?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- Hi, Brian! How's it going, son?- Yes.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- Hey, Brian.- Good luck tonight, mate. - Yes, hi.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- Fancy a few beers after the show? - Well, I don't drink.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Paul's got an idea.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Yeah, we were thinking that perhaps, we could get up at the end
0:15:57 > 0:15:59and do like a funky Jailhouse Rock kind of thing.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Yeah. I've got my bass.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03I don't think so. Thank you.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Anyway, nice to meet you and I hope you enjoy the show.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10- Have a good one, mate. - Thank you very much.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Sorry, guys. He's a bit nervous.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Oh, God!
0:16:19 > 0:16:22CROWD CHEERS AND WHISTLES
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- Brian, good luck. Have a good show. - Thanks.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39APPLAUSE
0:16:42 > 0:16:44I'd like to thank you all for coming.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Nature has always been at war with man.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50This is the Day Of The Triffids.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53And I'd just like to say that I'm not a racist.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54APPLAUSE
0:16:56 > 0:16:57MUSIC STARTS
0:17:09 > 0:17:11HE GROANS
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Come in. HE CHUCKLES
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Jesus Christ, somebody wake him up.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20HE SNORES
0:17:20 > 0:17:21KNOCKING
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Oh, shit!
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Oh, bollocks. Oh.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29HE CHUCKLES
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Oh...on a day that you happen to know is Wednesday
0:17:32 > 0:17:36starts off sounding like Sunday,
0:17:36 > 0:17:38there's something seriously wrong somewhere.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44I woke from my sleep, my eyes covered in bandages,
0:17:44 > 0:17:46to the sound of silence.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52I took off my bandages and looked out of the window
0:17:52 > 0:17:53and to my horror,
0:17:53 > 0:17:57I saw hundreds of people swarming around,
0:17:57 > 0:17:59all bumping into things like morons.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Had they lost their minds?
0:18:03 > 0:18:06No - they were blind!
0:18:06 > 0:18:08DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Blind! Blind!
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Bloody blind! Blind!
0:18:25 > 0:18:26This can't be happening!
0:18:26 > 0:18:28It was a meteorite!
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Am I the only one who can see?
0:18:30 > 0:18:34# The triffids descend from the skies
0:18:34 > 0:18:35# To sting your eyes...
0:18:35 > 0:18:39Who's to blame for this catastrophe?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42The Russians? Or tearaway kids? No.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46It's those wretched carnivorous triffids.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50# The triffids descend from the skies
0:18:50 > 0:18:52# To sting your eyes
0:18:52 > 0:18:54# And take our lives...
0:18:54 > 0:18:59The triffid wreaked havoc as it shat poison from its pores,
0:18:59 > 0:19:01squirting blindness left and right
0:19:01 > 0:19:06like a psychotic green berk with stems but no mercy.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10All around, people screamed in fear.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14Within seconds, the whole of Essex was blind.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18Billericay, Whitford, Shenfield.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Oh, shit! Bollocks!
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Who are you? What?
0:19:29 > 0:19:30- MAN:- I first met Brian
0:19:30 > 0:19:32when he was working on his Day Of The Triffids song.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34He had this wonderful backing track
0:19:34 > 0:19:37for a song he wanted to call Vegetative Lovers.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40But Brian was never great on lyrics.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42He was under pressure to get the record finished
0:19:42 > 0:19:45so his manager called up and asked me to have a go.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Whoosh, whoosh! Oh!
0:19:48 > 0:19:51What an ugly beast!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- TIM RICE:- It was very controversial, of course.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Brian's adaptation of the story included a love-making scene
0:19:56 > 0:19:58between the female protagonist and a triffid.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00# Plant or man, what is this?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03# Plant or man?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06# Plant or man, what can you be?
0:20:06 > 0:20:08# Who are you to hurt me?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11# No! What will our issue be?
0:20:11 > 0:20:12# Man or tree?
0:20:12 > 0:20:13It was the seventies, after all.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Everyone was pushing boundaries in taste, and in horticulture.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21I was very keen to explore the sexuality of these plants.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23They had desire to kill, to feed on flesh.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Surely, they had the same desire to reproduce.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31# Oh, don't synthesise me!
0:20:31 > 0:20:36# Your tendrils, like a beanstalk, are all around me...
0:20:36 > 0:20:41The triffid held her delicately as it eased in the stamen
0:20:41 > 0:20:45and hammered his bulbs away with ape-like ferocity.
0:20:45 > 0:20:50# Oh, vegetative lover
0:20:50 > 0:20:53# Oh, vegetative lover...
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Who'd have known that making love with a plant
0:20:55 > 0:20:59would be so exciting, yet so devastating?
0:20:59 > 0:21:05SHE SQUEALS
0:21:05 > 0:21:09But it didn't go down well with Germaine Greer or Percy Thrower,
0:21:09 > 0:21:10I can tell you.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14HE PLAYS SOLO
0:21:17 > 0:21:20OK, so during the drum solo, one Triffid crack down,
0:21:20 > 0:21:22I would like to run to the back of the auditorium
0:21:22 > 0:21:24and appear amongst the audience,
0:21:24 > 0:21:28give the people in the cheaper seats a bit of a thrill, make them feel part of the show.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32DRUM SOLO CONTINUES
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Where the fuck is it? They're walking out!
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Excuse me! What are you doing?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54- You have ticket? - No, of course not - I'm on stage!
0:21:54 > 0:21:55You have pass for get in?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57No - I am Brian Pern, I'm the lead man here!
0:21:57 > 0:21:59To get through here, you must have ticket pass.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- But I must be back on stage! This... - I don't make the rules.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Get Paul and Mark on, quick!
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- It's me - look!- Are you saying I'm stupid?- No! That's me, there!
0:22:09 > 0:22:10- That is you?- I am...
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- Then I must see your bottom.- What?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- I must see your bottom!- Why?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Bottom is like fingerprint - I see on National Geographic.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19The crack of your arse be like a fingerprint.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- I will identify you from this. - You're joking!
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Whoo!
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Ladies and gentlemen, Mark King!
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- Let me see your arse!- I can't show you!
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- I want to see your bottom! Give me your bottom!- Get out the way!
0:22:34 > 0:22:39# Every time you go away
0:22:39 > 0:22:44# You take a piece of me with you
0:22:44 > 0:22:45# Hoo...
0:22:51 > 0:22:54# Couldn't take his eyes off Joe and me
0:22:54 > 0:22:56# Looking back, it's so bizarre
0:22:56 > 0:23:00# It runs in the family
0:23:00 > 0:23:02# All the things we are...
0:23:02 > 0:23:04# Looking back, it's so bizarre
0:23:04 > 0:23:05# Hey, hey...
0:23:05 > 0:23:10LOUD MUSIC, CHEERING
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Oh, God - aftershow parties these days,
0:23:32 > 0:23:34they're just...they're dreadful.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37We used to have them, you know, at places like Kensington Roof Gardens.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Somewhere like that. They were fantastic.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42These days, it's either in the bloody Ramada Inn
0:23:42 > 0:23:43with a cash bar
0:23:43 > 0:23:46or some shitty hospitality room down in some fucking basement
0:23:46 > 0:23:50next to the bogs which reeks of roadies' arseholes.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Ha, well, aftershow parties, they were crazy.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56The old cliche - dwarves with cocaine on their heads.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57That's all true.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Yeah, it was a company called Short Snorts
0:23:59 > 0:24:01who were the go-to people for dwarves and cocaine.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04They provided both, with the dwarves at half-price.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05I mean, you couldn't do that now,
0:24:05 > 0:24:07it's not politically correct, of course.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08And also it's very difficult
0:24:08 > 0:24:10because the little buggers kept moving around.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12You'd be...like that.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14This is aftershow party, yes?
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Yes, but you must have gold wristband. Only for cool people.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18- Yes.- Hey.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Hello. Ned. Come on. I want to go.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25Hey, Brian! Brian, Brian! Come here. I have something for you.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Yes. Thank you. Goodnight.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30See you, Brian.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32- Bye, Ned. - GLASS SHATTERS
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Oh, you prick.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36That was a good show tonight, Brian. Well done.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38- I don't want to talk about it. - You sure you want to go?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40It's just getting warmed up back there.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Yes, I don't really like parties, as you know.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45I could have got my nuts wet, though. Did you see that bird?
0:24:45 > 0:24:47The prospect of you getting your nuts wet
0:24:47 > 0:24:51- doesn't really appeal to me very much, Ned.- It does to me.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55- Put the radio on, Brian.- No.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57It's a bit boring in the back.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59- So, Brian, your ECG results are back.- Right.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- You do have a heart murmur.- Oh, God.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04But it's probably harmless.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06But I'd like you to keep an eye on things
0:25:06 > 0:25:08and avoid all stress for a while.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11So I'm not going to die any time soon, then?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13- No, not for a good while yet. - HE CHUCKLES
0:25:13 > 0:25:16But you could have a stroke.
0:25:16 > 0:25:17At any moment.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21So, seriously, Brian, take a rest.
0:25:21 > 0:25:26But I have a charity gig to do at the top of Mount Kilimanjaro.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- SHE SIGHS - I can't tell you what to do.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31At the end of the day, it's your choice,
0:25:31 > 0:25:34but I would strongly advise against the trip.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37OK.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Brian, Millets came up trumps
0:25:40 > 0:25:43and have donated a huge whack to the Kilimanjaro concert.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45They're supplying all the camping equipment.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46Blacks have forgiven you
0:25:46 > 0:25:49and they've offered a generous donation to the charity
0:25:49 > 0:25:52and BBC1 have agreed to broadcast the show live.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54That's great, John. When do we fly out?
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Well, we fly on Friday but I'm afraid you don't.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- So I'm flying out on Saturday?- No.
0:26:00 > 0:26:05- You want me to fly on Sunday? - Brian, you don't fly at all.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Ah, you want me to go by boat?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Lower carbon emissions, good thinking.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Brian, please don't make me spell this out.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20I don't know how to say this so I'm going to do it in French.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23HE SPEAKS FRENCH
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Oh, I see.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- I'm sorry.- It's OK.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Who's going to replace me?
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- Is it Jeff Wayne? - Don't...don't torture yourself.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57No, it's OK. I can take it.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00It is, isn't it?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Was that a nod? I can't see you.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- I've got my hand in front of my face. - Yep.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Jeff and Sting.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10HE SIGHS
0:27:11 > 0:27:13And Mike Batt.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20It was either get somebody as famous as them
0:27:20 > 0:27:23or they'd broadcast the show on BBC4 rather than BBC1
0:27:23 > 0:27:25and I knew you'd do whatever it took
0:27:25 > 0:27:30to get the biggest audience possible for the moths.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Of course. Of course.
0:27:35 > 0:27:36On the plus side,
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Madame Tussauds in Antwerp
0:27:38 > 0:27:41have just delivered your waxwork for approval.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Oh, is it any good?
0:27:52 > 0:27:53I'll have a look.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58HE SIGHS
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Yeah. It's very good.