0:00:02 > 0:00:04Brian Pern is one of the most influential rock stars
0:00:04 > 0:00:06of his generation. For almost 40 years,
0:00:06 > 0:00:08he's been entertaining millions round the world.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11Both as lead singer of the progressive rock group Thotch
0:00:11 > 0:00:14and as a solo artist.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16This Christmas, Brian is due to release
0:00:16 > 0:00:19his first album of new material in 12 years
0:00:19 > 0:00:24and he's allowed the multi-award-winning documentary maker Rhys Thomas OBE
0:00:24 > 0:00:28unlimited access to his life in front and behind the microphone.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32This is Brian Pern: A Life In Rock.
0:00:32 > 0:00:38This programme contains strong language.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Sorry to keep you waiting. Paul McCartney overran.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42- Hiya.- Hi.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43He's so fit, you know,
0:00:43 > 0:00:4772 years old. There's not an ounce of fat on him.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Hasn't had any work done, you know?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Nothing, it's all natural.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55- Thought about having surgery, Brian? - Definitely not.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Hmm. Shame.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Right, what can I help you with?
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Well, Jess, I've just returned from recording
0:01:03 > 0:01:06with the indigenous Finnish Ugric people.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08- They are a fascinating tribe... - Mm...
0:01:08 > 0:01:11- ..whose habitat is at risk due to global warming.- Mm...
0:01:11 > 0:01:14While I was there, they told me of the plight of the polar bears
0:01:14 > 0:01:15who share their terrain.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18They're becoming depressed. They are, in fact, bipolar.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Bipolar polar bears?
0:01:22 > 0:01:23SHE LAUGHS
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Sorry, I shouldn't laugh. Sorry. Straight face. Go on.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28It's quite sad. They're committing suicide
0:01:28 > 0:01:31by hurling themselves at icebergs like giant white lemmings.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34SHE LAUGHS
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Straight face.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Brian wants to record a charity album
0:01:38 > 0:01:39to raise awareness and money for the bears
0:01:39 > 0:01:41and we wondered if you'd be willing to donate
0:01:41 > 0:01:43all the companies proceeds too.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47- No.- What? - Sorry, Brian,
0:01:47 > 0:01:48but I can't even sell albums at the moment,
0:01:48 > 0:01:50never mind give them away.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52How about you take 5% and the bears get the rest?
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- 90.- Come on, 20?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- 80.- 30?
0:01:58 > 0:01:59- 60.- 40?
0:01:59 > 0:02:03- 35, final offer.- All right. Done. - Yeah, make it commercial, all right?
0:02:03 > 0:02:05None of this world music bongo bollocks.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08With blind Mongolian throat warblers and rat whistlers.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09You know, I need star duets.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Rihanna, Tinie Tempah, One Direction,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Paloma Faith, Daft Punk.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16And a Christmas theme.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20- Oh, God, why? - Because Christmas albums sell, Brian.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23You know, it'll really appeal to a Christian market.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32It's too spicy.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Mud, Shakin' Stevens, Boney M - all retired on the royalties
0:02:35 > 0:02:38from their Christmas songs, thank God. You write a decent song,
0:02:38 > 0:02:40sell a million, the bears are still getting 65%
0:02:40 > 0:02:42and that's a fuck load of glacier mints.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43But it's only four months till Christmas.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- How am I going to write an album in that time?- Do some covers.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Pick your favourites, do your own interpretation. You get recording, I'll get the artists.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53This is Ken Le Grange.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Ken has made more Christmas hit records
0:02:55 > 0:02:57than any producer in the world.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00In fact, 29 out of the 30 songs on
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Now That's What I Call Christmas 2014 are his.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06I was the go-to guy for all the Christmas songs.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08After I did Merry Christmas Everybody
0:03:08 > 0:03:11and I Wish It Could Be Christmas, that was it.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15We never went hungry in the Le Grange household at Christmas.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Ken was the main man, really.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19He was responsible for doing the till
0:03:19 > 0:03:21at the beginning of I Wish It Could Be Christmas.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22Here it is.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24TILL RINGS
0:03:24 > 0:03:26TUNE PLAYS
0:03:26 > 0:03:28I played it and he thought it was brilliant.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29He's just got a knack of
0:03:29 > 0:03:32putting bells in the right place on the track.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34All the other groups wanted it as well.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37You know, it became fashionable and...
0:03:37 > 0:03:38here it is in Money, by Floyd.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40TILL RINGS
0:03:40 > 0:03:41TUNE PLAYS
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Are You Being Served?
0:03:43 > 0:03:44TILL RINGS
0:03:44 > 0:03:46TUNE PLAYS
0:03:46 > 0:03:47And Anarchy In The UK.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48TILL RINGS
0:03:48 > 0:03:50TUNE PLAYS
0:03:50 > 0:03:53My till is the most sampled till
0:03:53 > 0:03:55in the history of rock music.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57- It's wonderful, isn't it? - TILL RINGS
0:03:57 > 0:04:01Interestingly enough, the first Christmas number six
0:04:01 > 0:04:03was the first song that had a Christmas theme to it.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05It was recorded by Lionel Pern
0:04:05 > 0:04:07and called The Christmas Gravy Boat.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10# It's Christmas time
0:04:10 > 0:04:12# It's Christmas time. #
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Lionel was, of course,
0:04:13 > 0:04:14the uncle of Brian Pern
0:04:14 > 0:04:17who would go on to front Thotch.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19He invented something called world music,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22which, to be honest with you, I never quite understood.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25# I sail the gravy boat across to you
0:04:25 > 0:04:27# Thank you
0:04:27 > 0:04:31# Carrots, peas and roast potatoes too
0:04:32 > 0:04:34# Sailing on a sea of meaty brown
0:04:34 > 0:04:37# The gravy boat has come to town
0:04:37 > 0:04:38# Rum-pum-pum
0:04:38 > 0:04:41# Ruppa-pum-pum. #
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Merry Christmas, everybody.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46OK, John, so I thought we'd have
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Merry Christmas War Is Over to open the album.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- Who do you want to sing it with? - His sons, Sean and Julian.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Maybe even Yoko.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Are we issuing sick bags with this album?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59No, I thought it would be a touching tribute.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03Forget his sons singing, it'll be all about them and not you. Do you want that?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- Who else is there? - I've got the very bloke.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Great musician, big star, fantastic voice.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13He's perfect.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Brian? Brian?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Brian? Hello, it's me.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24- Hello?- I've come to do your...
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Hello. Can I help you?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29It's me, I've come to help you with your charity record.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32I was told that you wanted somebody famous.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34So, Brian, what's this charity actually for?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36It's for bipolar polar bears.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38HE LAUGHS
0:05:38 > 0:05:40- Good.- Yeah.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41TILL RINGS
0:05:41 > 0:05:42OK, Rick, we're going to do
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- Merry Christmas War Is Over, John Lennon.- Oh, I love that.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47- I love it. - Yeah, it's a good song.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51And I want to keep that mood very Christmassy but a bit sad.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- Melancholy, that's the word.- Yeah, I think I know what you mean...
0:05:54 > 0:05:57HE PLAYS STATUS QUO RIFF
0:05:58 > 0:06:00I think that's probably...
0:06:00 > 0:06:03That's fine for Quo, but not what I want to...
0:06:03 > 0:06:06I don't want that sound. If you play something more pastoral.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Well, pastoral? I like that.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11I know what you mean but I can't sort of play that, really,
0:06:11 > 0:06:12because I sort of, you know...
0:06:12 > 0:06:15HE PLAYS STATUS QUO RIFF
0:06:15 > 0:06:16This is what I do, you know?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18You sort of got the wrong bloke, really, haven't you?
0:06:20 > 0:06:24RHYS: This is not the first time Brian has recorded a Christmas song.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28In December 1975, Thotch released Black Christmas.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Thotch were £1,000 in debt to the record company
0:06:30 > 0:06:33when I took them on in '75, which in today's money...
0:06:35 > 0:06:38..is well over £1,000, so I said, "Get in the studio,
0:06:38 > 0:06:41"cut a Christmas song and we'll make a million." Which is what we did.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Apart from the make a million bit...
0:06:45 > 0:06:47..which took a little bit longer.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50# Christmas comes but once a year
0:06:50 > 0:06:52# All the people raise good cheer
0:06:52 > 0:06:54# Eat your turkey, scratch your leg
0:06:54 > 0:06:57# Pray to Santa but don't you beg. #
0:06:57 > 0:07:00That video Brian wanted his Black Santa outfit.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02This is it. I made this.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04It's all right, I took it down Sketchley's.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06At the time, I didn't tell him what it was made of,
0:07:06 > 0:07:10cos, you know, he's an animal lover, but this is seal skin and mink.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13I felt a bit like Cruella da Vinci, you know?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16This white here, that's arctic fox.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Shhhh. It was the '70s.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20# Christmas, Christmas, crucified. #
0:07:20 > 0:07:22I remember getting a copy of
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Black Christmas by Thotch. I hated it.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Thotch were the musical equivalent of Marmite.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29You either loved them or you hated them.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32RHYS: What about you?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Love Marmite, hated Thotch.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36But then I turned it over and I heard the B-side
0:07:36 > 0:07:38and it was so much better.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39It was called Dulci Yuletide,
0:07:39 > 0:07:41so I made it my record of the week.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44We'd literally forgotten to write a B-side
0:07:44 > 0:07:48so I came up with that in just a couple of hours.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Just me and the Moog, you know. Bloody marvellous.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55And we had to go on Top Of The Pops for that one.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Was our first time.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Of course, the rest of them hated it as they weren't even on the track,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02yet they had to mime to it.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03HE LAUGHS
0:08:05 > 0:08:06There was no guitar on that track.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08There was no bass pedal solo on that track.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11There were no vocals on that track
0:08:11 > 0:08:13and there we all were miming
0:08:13 > 0:08:15with instruments that aren't on track
0:08:15 > 0:08:17to a song we didn't even play on.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22I mean, I didn't go to public school to mime to a bloody song
0:08:22 > 0:08:24on Top Of The bloody Pops.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Top Of The Pops was a dire experience, really.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33It was an appalling thing to have to go through.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37They'd herd 17 teenagers around an empty barn
0:08:37 > 0:08:40whilst sort of various pop stars came on
0:08:40 > 0:08:42and teetered around in massive heels
0:08:42 > 0:08:45whilst pretending to sing their latest dire hit.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47It was a very popular show.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51That song was the bestselling Thotch song ever.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53HE LAUGHS
0:08:53 > 0:08:56That really hacked the fuckers off, I can tell you.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58It would have been number one had it not been for
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Bohemian fucking Rhapsody.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Oh, well. Bad timing.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05# Christmas comes but once a year
0:09:05 > 0:09:07# All the people raise good cheer... #
0:09:07 > 0:09:09RHYS: For his Christmas charity album,
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Brian has decided to record a jolly version of Black Christmas.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Roy Wood has come along for a listen.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16# Christmas is here! #
0:09:16 > 0:09:18What do you think?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Yeah, it's good, I really like it, you know,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23but it's definitely short on a couple of things.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26One, it needs a till at the beginning.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- And what else?- Definitely needs a kids choir at the end
0:09:29 > 0:09:31to lift the spirits, get the grannies buying the record.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33It's quarter past ten at night, Roy.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- Where are you going to get one of them?- No worries!
0:09:35 > 0:09:36I've got one in the van.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45- What's this charity for again? - It's for bipolar polar bears.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47HE CHUCKLES
0:09:49 > 0:09:51OK, you lot, take it!
0:09:51 > 0:09:56# Christmas was here. #
0:09:57 > 0:09:58TILL RINGS
0:09:58 > 0:10:00OK, well done everybody. Back in the van now.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Can we go to McDonald's?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04You'll have to give me some petrol money.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07TRUMPET PLAYS
0:10:07 > 0:10:08In 1983,
0:10:08 > 0:10:12Brian had a surprise Christmas hit completely by mistake.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Christmas songs are generally quite naff.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17But Brian Pern's I Wish I Was At Home With My Missus,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19you know, it's a great Christmas record.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20It really tugs at the heartstrings
0:10:20 > 0:10:23and particularly in conjunction with that video.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25# It's -10 in No Man's Land
0:10:25 > 0:10:28# I've got trench foot and I haven't got a hand
0:10:28 > 0:10:31# But I don't care because it's Christmas
0:10:31 > 0:10:33# We don't care because it's Christmas
0:10:33 > 0:10:36IN GERMAN: # Es ist minus zehn im Niemandsland. #
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I've always been fascinated by the First World War, um,
0:10:39 > 0:10:41mainly because neither of my grandfathers died in it
0:10:41 > 0:10:42and that kind of made me a bit angry,
0:10:42 > 0:10:44so I thought I'd write a song about it.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45# So put down your guns
0:10:45 > 0:10:47# Shove on your shorts
0:10:47 > 0:10:48# Put out your smokes
0:10:48 > 0:10:49# Have a glass of port
0:10:49 > 0:10:52# And let's all have a game of football
0:10:52 > 0:10:55# Let's all have a game of football. #
0:10:56 > 0:10:58I would say three.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- Three for you?- Yes.- Would you dance to it?
0:11:00 > 0:11:03No, I wouldn't because there's no melody,
0:11:03 > 0:11:05it didn't get anywhere and I wanted to say get on with it,
0:11:05 > 0:11:07so I'm very much on the threesome side.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09# Oh, how I wish
0:11:09 > 0:11:11# I was
0:11:11 > 0:11:13# At home with my Missus. #
0:11:14 > 0:11:18It would have been number one had it not been for the Flying fucking Pickets.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Oh, well, bad timing.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23We're not having much luck with these cutting-edge artists, John.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- Well, I've got a bit of good news on the Adele front.- What's that?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29She's sent you a lovely note.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31In fact, we've had lots of lovely notes
0:11:31 > 0:11:34from almost everyone we've asked, which is pretty positive.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Have we got any lovely yeses?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Chrissie.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39She said yes?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Well, it's been 25 years.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44# Little donkey
0:11:44 > 0:11:45# Little donkey
0:11:46 > 0:11:48# On that dusty road
0:11:50 > 0:11:52# Got to keep on
0:11:52 > 0:11:53# Plodding onwards
0:11:53 > 0:11:56# With your precious load. #
0:11:56 > 0:11:58TILL RINGS
0:11:58 > 0:11:59Do you need any donkey noises?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01I'm coming in.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03No, no, no, no, no. No.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Chrissie, why'd you take the cans off?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07You know what? You don't want to know.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09You didn't hear it from me
0:12:09 > 0:12:12but he and Chrissie had a bit of a thing a few decades ago.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- Thanks for coming.- Uh-hm.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- It's good to see you.- Oh, it's your lucky day.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20Yeah, um, a few people helping us out here on the album and, er...
0:12:20 > 0:12:23You know I'm doing this, it's an animal rights thing,
0:12:23 > 0:12:24it's nothing to do with you, you know that?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Brian put more than his brass in her pocket, if you get my gist.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I can't even look at you, fuckhead.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32He had them all back in the day.
0:12:32 > 0:12:37Dusty, Lulu, Suzy, Debbie, Chrissie, Bananaramas, Marilyn.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Ooh, Brian got a bit of a shock
0:12:39 > 0:12:42when he pulled 'her' pants down, I can tell you.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Brian treated plasticine
0:12:44 > 0:12:46better than he treated women.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48In the '80s,
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Brian's, if you like, relationship with plasticine
0:12:50 > 0:12:53really developed and it actually had a very negative effect on him.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Evil.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I mean, he would just run off to the toilet
0:12:59 > 0:13:02and mould some plasticine in minutes and rush back
0:13:02 > 0:13:05and want to show it to you and, I mean,
0:13:05 > 0:13:06I didn't know what to say.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10RHYS: Brian quit plasticine for good in 1989.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13That December, Brian and the rest of his Thotch bandmates
0:13:13 > 0:13:16famously appeared on the same episode of Top Of The Pops,
0:13:16 > 0:13:18though not together.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21All of them had solo singles competing for Christmas number one,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24which was great for me. It was like having three horses in the Grand National.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Tony had teamed up with Paul Hardcastle
0:13:27 > 0:13:29and remixed In Dulce Yuletide
0:13:29 > 0:13:30into some bloody dance track.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36Brian and that, um, chubby opera singer - what's her name? -
0:13:36 > 0:13:38were there with Winter In Winnipeg,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41which was the official song for the Winter Olympics.
0:13:41 > 0:13:46# Winter in Winnipeg
0:13:46 > 0:13:48# Snowfalls of pride
0:13:48 > 0:13:50# Aaaah! #
0:13:50 > 0:13:53I was called in to write the lyrics as Brian knew fuck-all about sport.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57# The snow falls hard upon the dark. #
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Or Winnipeg.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00# Aaaah!
0:14:02 > 0:14:04# Aaaah! #
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Over here, quickly.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10And Pat's new band,
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Pat And The Patios, were on with Christmas In My Car.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14# Christmas in my car
0:14:14 > 0:14:18# I want to spend Christmas in my car
0:14:18 > 0:14:23# Snow on the M25
0:14:23 > 0:14:24# 25. #
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Thotch had effectively split up and legally we couldn't use the name.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31In fact, I spent the summer doing a degree in law
0:14:31 > 0:14:34simply so that I could talk to the other guys in the band.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38And John, Mike and I renamed ourselves Pat And The Patios.
0:14:38 > 0:14:43And I wrote Christmas In My Car stuck in a traffic jam on the M25.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44It just came to me, you know?
0:14:44 > 0:14:48# When you've got Brussels sprouts. #
0:14:48 > 0:14:53So I quickly bashed down the chords on the dashboard, you know,
0:14:53 > 0:14:57scribbling the lyric on the back of the tax disc.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59And that's why I crashed.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02I mean, I came out unscathed, luckily.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Unfortunately, I'd driven
0:15:04 > 0:15:07into the back of a horse box
0:15:07 > 0:15:09and maimed a young foal.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- PRODUCER WHISPERS:- Zoom in, I think he's going to cry.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Which very sadly had to be put down.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Um, um.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22I've subsequently had many a sleepless night
0:15:22 > 0:15:26about that and many a dark night of the soul.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Dark night of the foal.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Um...
0:15:30 > 0:15:33And to this day I, um...
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Actually, can...
0:15:36 > 0:15:38..can we stop there, please?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Sorry.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Anyway, Pat got the highest entry, kept off the top by Band Aid II.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Band-Aid II? I mean, come on.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Like doing a remake of 12 Years A Slave with Richard Blackwood.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Or Arthur with Russell Brand.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Oh, they've done that, haven't they?
0:15:57 > 0:16:01# Very merry Christmas
0:16:01 > 0:16:05# And a happy new year
0:16:05 > 0:16:09# Let's hope it's a good one
0:16:09 > 0:16:11# Without any fear...
0:16:11 > 0:16:13HE PLAYS STATUS QUO RIFF
0:16:13 > 0:16:16# A very merry Christmas
0:16:17 > 0:16:19# And a happy new year... #
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- What are you doing?- Nothing.
0:16:22 > 0:16:23You look such an idiot.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- We'll go for one, OK?- OK.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27- Just try it out.- I'm to start? Yes? - Uh-hm.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31BOTH: # Follow that star tonight. #
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- It's a really good cause, isn't it? So, er...- Yeah.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Oh, actually, what is it again? What's it for?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Bipolar polar bears.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39What?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41# Simply
0:16:41 > 0:16:42# Having
0:16:42 > 0:16:46# A wonderful Christmas time
0:16:46 > 0:16:47# Simply
0:16:47 > 0:16:49# Having
0:16:49 > 0:16:51# A wonderful Christmas time. #
0:16:51 > 0:16:53BOTH: # You scumbag, you maggot
0:16:53 > 0:16:54# You cheap lousy faggot
0:16:54 > 0:16:56# Happy Christmas, your arse
0:16:56 > 0:16:58# I pray God it's our last
0:16:58 > 0:17:02# And the boys of the NYPD choir
0:17:02 > 0:17:05# Still singing Galway Bay
0:17:05 > 0:17:08# And the bells are ringing out
0:17:08 > 0:17:09# For
0:17:09 > 0:17:14# Christmas Day. #
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Can't you harmonise?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Um, yeah, I didn't realise we were doing harmonies on this bit.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- We're doing harmonies.- Are we not just doing the lead vocal for now?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Can you just cut it for a second?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27If Melanie is not ready for the harmonies, I mean, I am ready
0:17:27 > 0:17:30but if Melanie's not ready then...
0:17:30 > 0:17:32I'll sing the lyrics and you do the ding-dongs.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- I'm not doing the fucking ding-dongs.- Well, someone has to.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Get Mel C to fucking do them, I'm not doing them.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38# Donkey, donkey
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- # Donkey, donkey - Poor little, little donkey
0:17:42 > 0:17:44# Aaah!
0:17:44 > 0:17:46# Real big donkey
0:17:46 > 0:17:48- # Donkey - Donkey. #
0:17:48 > 0:17:51THEY SING IN HIGH-PITCHED TONE
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Oh.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Argh.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57You, you, where is she?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Melanie?
0:18:01 > 0:18:04HE MOANS
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Give me a break, I've just got in from Newfoundland.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- What've you been doing there, clubbing seals?- You've stepped over the mark there, Perny.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11You might get that checked out.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13No, I've had it checked out, it's fine.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16I would very much like to fuck you.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19I've had enough of this, I've had enough of this bollocks.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23- Dirty bugger.- Ah, Brian, you want to fuck me now, eh? Yeah?
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Bonjour, robby-diddy-bop.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- She's a fucking nutter, David. - I didn't sing that bad.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30I will get you down.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39RHYS: Brian's manager John Farrow has asked him to come for an unscheduled meeting.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41John.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Come up. Take your shoes off.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Brian.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49You know the scheme you invested a lot of money in?
0:18:49 > 0:18:50The one you suggested?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Did I? I can't remember.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Anyway, it turns out it's one of them...
0:18:54 > 0:18:56tax avoidance things
0:18:56 > 0:18:58that Osborne's decided to get shirty about all of a sudden.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- Oh, John.- No, no, no, don't panic, it's all under control.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05I've spoken to HMRC, they've given you a few months to pay back what you owe. Nobody's going to prison.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07For the minute.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Well, how much do I owe?
0:19:09 > 0:19:10Seven.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11What, 7,000?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Million.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15How much have you got put aside?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I have nothing.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- What have you spent it on?- Well...
0:19:21 > 0:19:25There's the musical and I invested in a couple of apps.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- Fedge.- Fedge? What the fuck is Fedge?
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Fedge is a prototype unshatterable plastic.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33It will revolutionise the way we use rulers.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34What?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Not just rulers, John, protractors, set squares,
0:19:37 > 0:19:38all kinds of office miscellanea.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- Fucking hell.- The money you saved me in tax this year,
0:19:41 > 0:19:43I wanted to spend on something worthwhile.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46I mean, the polar bears are up against the wall, John.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48They're losing their habitat.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Well, you'll be losing your habitat if you're not careful.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53What am I going to do?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55RHYS: And then, we were asked to turn off the cameras.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59You could re-form Thotch, do a world tour.
0:19:59 > 0:20:00No, that's a prison sentence in itself.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03OK, you could sell everything.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Poggle West, Poggle East, Poggle Letchworth,
0:20:05 > 0:20:07the helicopter, Segway, all the houses,
0:20:07 > 0:20:09take the kids out of Sherborne.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Float Poggle Records on the stock market
0:20:11 > 0:20:12and auction off all your old costumes.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Not the Segway, John. How will I get from A to B?
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Or you could take the profits from the Christmas album,
0:20:18 > 0:20:22the charity, and filter it into your bank account.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24What? That's completely immoral, John.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26You should be ashamed for even thinking that.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Well, have you got a choice?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30It's the most immediate way to make the money back
0:20:30 > 0:20:33and we're looking at 18 months inside.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35BRIAN BREATHES HEAVILY
0:20:35 > 0:20:36I feel sick.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Don't do it here, let me walk you downstairs.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40TILL RINGS
0:20:40 > 0:20:43RHYS: It's almost midnight and Brian has one last song
0:20:43 > 0:20:45to record to complete the album.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48OK, it's Mary's Boy Child. This is take four.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Just try and just stay in a pocket.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Which pocket?
0:20:54 > 0:20:59# Mary's boy child, Hesus Christ was born on Christmas... #
0:20:59 > 0:21:01- It's Jesus.- Sorry?
0:21:01 > 0:21:02You have to say Jesus.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04That is what I am saying, Hesus.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- Just go again.- OK.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07TILL RINGS
0:21:07 > 0:21:10# Mary's boy child JESUS Christ... #
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- I'm coming in.- No. No, no, don't come in, please.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Please don't enter the inner sanctum of the artist.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17No! Don't come in!
0:21:17 > 0:21:19What are you doing?! This is not a game!
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- This is a charity record! - I know, I love...
0:21:22 > 0:21:23For fucking polar bears!
0:21:23 > 0:21:28- It's not about you fucking showing your knickers on YouTube!- OK.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29Don't push me!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Oh, you said don't push!
0:21:33 > 0:21:37- I had all this with Julie Covington! - Who is Julie Covington?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39She's a singer!
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- She was in Rock Follies. - And what is Rock Follies?
0:21:42 > 0:21:45It was a TV drama based in the music industry
0:21:45 > 0:21:48about three women vocalists. Idiots, like you.
0:21:48 > 0:21:49Can I see it on repeat?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53On DVD?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55What is Rock Follies?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57RHYS: But after months of hard work on the album,
0:21:57 > 0:22:00the stress finally caught up with Brian.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Some breaking news now.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04The rock star and campaigner Brian Pern
0:22:04 > 0:22:06has suffered a major heart attack.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09He was taken to hospital in London earlier this evening.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Thought to be in a deep coma,
0:22:11 > 0:22:14he's reported to be in a critical condition.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
0:22:16 > 0:22:20Thanks for coming in at such short notice, John.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21How is Brian?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Well, touch and go. Pretty serious.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28And what are the chances he might die, do you think?
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Pre-Christmas or post?
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Why do you ask?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I'm just trying to plan the release schedule, you know.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41If he dies, then we need to be ready
0:22:41 > 0:22:44with the re-releases of his greatest hits. Um...
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Maybe even push through, sort of...
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Best Of Thotch And Brian Pern Comp.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53You know what it's like when somebody dies.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57When would you prefer he died?
0:22:59 > 0:23:00Um...
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Ideally...
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Pre-Christmas.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Yeah, it'd be great publicity for his Christmas album and if not then, then...
0:23:09 > 0:23:10..February.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13It'd be a great boost to the market in that sort of post-sales slump.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17You're disgusting, you know that?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20I thought I was bad enough but you take the fucking biscuit.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23Come on, John.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27It's called show business, not show friendship.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Thought you'd know that better than anyone.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31And you're like all the rest in this place.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33You're a corporate monkey star-fucker.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35You don't do this for love or passion.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38You do it just so you can just post fucking Instagrams of yourself on Facebook
0:23:38 > 0:23:40with bloody Katy Perry or bloody Harry Styles
0:23:40 > 0:23:43to show off to all the girls who used to bully you at school.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Well, you can stick this record deal up your disgusting arse,
0:23:46 > 0:23:47if there's any room.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49We won't be re-signing.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51If Brian dies, you're not having a penny.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56However, as you know, always happy to come to an arrangement.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02PEPITA GASPS
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Oh, Brian.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08PEPITA INHALES HEAVILY Are you dead?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Do you mind shoes?
0:24:18 > 0:24:21'Gusta' you my shoes?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Oh, oh, you're so cold.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25You're like an ice lolly.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27PEPITA WHIMPERS
0:24:27 > 0:24:31PEPITA HUMS A SONG
0:24:41 > 0:24:44RHYS: Thankfully, Brian came out of his coma
0:24:44 > 0:24:47and I was fortunate enough to be the first person to interview him.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51- So, Brian, thanks for seeing me. - Thank you.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54I just wanted to, what's, what's wrong with you? What's happened?
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Well, um, I had a heart attack.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Quite bad, brought on by stress and then I fell
0:25:01 > 0:25:06and I broke this arm so I've been ordered to just lay off
0:25:06 > 0:25:09everything for two months.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Right, it's now December 12th and the album is on the shelves, isn't it?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14And it's doing quite well, I understand?
0:25:14 > 0:25:16- Well, we've raised about £15 million.- Wow.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Which is unbelievable.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22So that'll help out some of those bears who are really blue.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25And I see it's all changed for Poggle Studios?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Um, I had to make a decision, you know,
0:25:28 > 0:25:30and it was probably the toughest decision I made.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Well, I don't want to go into the ins and outs of it all,
0:25:33 > 0:25:36just to say that that I am selling Poggle Sound
0:25:36 > 0:25:39and I'm retiring from the music industry.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41- Really?- Yes.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45- Well, what will you do? - Well, I have an open canvas.
0:25:45 > 0:25:50I've always wanted to learn Urdu, Joni Mitchell has asked me
0:25:50 > 0:25:53to go out to California and help her with her almond harvest
0:25:53 > 0:25:57and I've also bought myself a big Slush Puppie machine.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00I'm just going to sit around and drink some grape Slush,
0:26:00 > 0:26:03watch some old reruns of Hindsight, Columbo...
0:26:03 > 0:26:04There's lots of stories in the paper
0:26:04 > 0:26:07the day after you had the heart attack about tax evasion.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Hmm, I'm pretty tired now.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Brian, looking better today.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25- Thanks, John.- Got some good news. - Really?
0:26:25 > 0:26:27The house, the helicopter, the studios - all off the market,
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- you don't have to sell.- Really?
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Got talking to some big fans of yours last week at dinner,
0:26:33 > 0:26:37told them all about the tax thing and your plans to sell up,
0:26:37 > 0:26:40maybe even retire, and they said, "Brian Pern, he can't retire.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44"He can't sell his world music label or the best studio in the world
0:26:44 > 0:26:47"to some bloody corporation," so they paid the tax bill for you.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- What's the catch, John? There must be a catch.- No catch, Brian.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Apart from the fact that they want to come in and see you.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Are they weirdos?
0:26:55 > 0:26:58A bit. Come in, chaps.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08- Hi, Brian.- Hello, Pat. Hi, Tony.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14- Hi.- Hi.- Hi.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Are you sure about this?
0:27:19 > 0:27:23Of course, Brian, you're our oldest friend.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27And it's Christmas, after all.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32I guess it is Christmas.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41I really don't know what to say, I just want to say thank you.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43BRIAN SNIFFS
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Thank you.
0:27:47 > 0:27:48Thank you so much.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Is there anything else we can do for you, Brian?
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Ah, yes, actually, you could change my bedpan.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Just, it's brimming up.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10HE WINCES
0:28:10 > 0:28:11HE GROANS
0:28:11 > 0:28:13HE SIGHS
0:28:13 > 0:28:15It's so hot.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18DOOR OPENS
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Hello? Who's there?
0:28:25 > 0:28:29MUSIC: Ave Satani by Jerry Goldsmith
0:28:29 > 0:28:31BRIAN SCREAMS