0:00:02 > 0:00:03This programme contains strong language.
0:00:03 > 0:00:05The rock star and campaigner Brian Pern
0:00:05 > 0:00:07has suffered a major heart attack.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10He was taken to hospital in London earlier this evening.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12He is reported to be in a critical condition.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14The last time I met Brian Pern,
0:00:14 > 0:00:16he decided to retire from the music industry,
0:00:16 > 0:00:18while he recovered from his heart attack.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Now, after a year out of the public eye,
0:00:20 > 0:00:24Brian is back to celebrate 45 years in the music business
0:00:24 > 0:00:27with a new album, tour and this exclusive,
0:00:27 > 0:00:29access-all-areas documentary series on his past...
0:00:29 > 0:00:32- Don't touch these fucking controls again.- ..present...
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Surely the point of getting me in to read your book is
0:00:35 > 0:00:37- because I sound like Martin Freeman. - Really?
0:00:37 > 0:00:39- ..and future... - I am pregnant!
0:00:39 > 0:00:43..with me, the award-winning film-maker Rhys Thomas, OBE.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47I've come to Brian's home for his first interview
0:00:47 > 0:00:49and public appearance in over a year.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Hi. Erm, this is Astrid.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Hi.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Brian, sit down.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59OK, can I see the set-up?
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Are all these people staying?
0:01:02 > 0:01:04- Yes. Yes, they... Yeah, they are.- Erm, alrighty.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Brian, you need to lift your head up. I can see two of your chins.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Higher. Higher!
0:01:10 > 0:01:14- OK, that's great. - Come on, that's silly.- That's great.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Erm... Can we...
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Can we soften the lens and maybe increase the light
0:01:19 > 0:01:21so we don't see so many lines?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23OK, Brian!
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Back straight, posture. Let's go!
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- Sorry, I have to mention this. You've changed your appearance quite...- No.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31- Can we cut there, please? - No, hang on.- OK!
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Uh, no, we can only talk about Brian's solo
0:01:35 > 0:01:38and future projects, our work with Unicef, mollusc awareness
0:01:38 > 0:01:40and Brian's work with the Prince's Trust.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42But this is about 45 years of Brian Pern.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44How am I supposed to talk about the past?
0:01:44 > 0:01:46You'll work that out.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48OK. Chin up, Brian.
0:01:48 > 0:01:49And roll...
0:01:49 > 0:01:52PROG ROCK INTRO
0:01:52 > 0:01:54CHEERING
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Hello, John.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Manager John Farrow has flown in
0:02:00 > 0:02:03for his first meeting with Brian since he came out of retirement.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04I don't know who you lot are
0:02:04 > 0:02:07and I've got a meeting in here in a minute, so do fuck off.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- I'm Astrid.- How do you do? Fuck off.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11And you.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Actually, John, Brian wanted to change the way
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- we did things a little. - Did he really now?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Well, we'll see what he has to say when he gets here.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- There's no coffee in here. Why? - HE LISPS:- I am here.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Oh, Jesus Christ!
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Brian, what the fuck have you done?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26I don't know whath you're thalking about.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Your face. You look...
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- You look like a Bee Gee gone wrong. - I just had a few nipth and tuckth.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- And you sound like a Dutchman. - Yeah, that's the gnashers.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35They're not bedded in yet.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- How are you supposed to sing like that?- He sings fine.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40It's just the talking that's the problem.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44But it's only temporary and it is so worth it.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47So, Brian thought that a few more brains would help out
0:02:47 > 0:02:50in the decision-making process from now on.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51Oh, did he really, now?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53And this lot are the brains, are they?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Well, let's come up with a cure for ball cancer
0:02:55 > 0:02:56and a plan for the Middle East
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- while we're at it, shall we? - Nice idea, John,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01but I think we should stick to Brian's music career for now.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02Oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05So why don't we all go around the table and introduce ourselves?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- John, you start. - Oh, Jesus. I can't do all that.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Really and truly, you know exactly who I am. Who the fuck are YOU?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- OK, go.- I'm Suzanne, Brian's dentist.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Hello, Suzanne.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Stuart, Brian's Ocado delivery driver.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Good.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21- I'm Dan, Brian's studio runner. - Great, Dan.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22And I'm Brian!
0:03:22 > 0:03:24- Hello, Brian.- Hello.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26This is Serge, my youngest,
0:03:26 > 0:03:30and I am Astrid Maddox-Pern, Brian's wife and personal assistant.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37# Something in the way she moves... #
0:03:37 > 0:03:39I never thought I'd fall in love again,
0:03:39 > 0:03:41and here I am like a puppy dog.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Erm...
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Obviously, she's a bit younger than me, but that's OK.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50That happens a lot with people of your generation, doesn't it?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- Ronnie Wood ran off with that young lady...- We didn't run off anywhere.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55That's totally different. Astrid has a degree in science.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- And you met her at the premier of Danny Collins.- Yeah, that's correct.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Is it a good film?
0:04:01 > 0:04:02It's OK.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04None of us were invited to the wedding, of course.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Not that we would have gone had we been.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09I mean, he was never really a ladies' man, but...
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Yeah, she's a cracking bit of stuff.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18I was very, very, very, very, very upset when he get with her
0:04:18 > 0:04:21because all the time in the hospital, I were there for him.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24I was feeding him the mushy food, changing his sheets,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27mucking him out like a pony in the stables,
0:04:27 > 0:04:29sitting on his fires
0:04:29 > 0:04:31then as soon as he's well, he's off with her
0:04:31 > 0:04:33and all she is after is his purse.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37For example, at my last wedding, we had a table for ten.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39I mean, that's £100 per head.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41I mean, that's an awful lot of salmon en croute.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43The worst thing about her is she cooks fish.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46All the time - fish in the microwave. It stinks everything out.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49The bedroom stinks of fish, the bathroom stinks of fish,
0:04:49 > 0:04:52the kitchen stinks of fish. Fish, fish, fish, fish. Everywhere!
0:04:52 > 0:04:55I mean, I've known Brian since we were both five years old.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59He was my best man for two of my weddings at least,
0:04:59 > 0:05:05and each time, we bought him a gift which cost well in excess of £100.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08So I did think maybe he'd pick me for this wedding.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Not that I'd have accepted, anyway.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14He's scared of her. She keeps his blood in a cup. She's voodoo.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17I mean, I don't want to speak ill of anyone, but she's an arsehole.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19OK, so, what's first on the agenda?
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Desert Island Discs are asking
0:05:22 > 0:05:24for your playlist for the show this week.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Yes, and we have it right here.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30So we all thought carefully, making sure we had an eclectic mix
0:05:30 > 0:05:33of songs to make Brian sound, well, er, relevant.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Do you want any of your own songs here?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- Well, I thought it was a bit egotistical.- Brian!
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Desert Island Discs gets a global reach of 150 million listeners.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Where else are you going to get that many people
0:05:43 > 0:05:44listening to your latest songs?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- Which incidentally didn't make the Radio 2 playlist.- Point taken.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50So pick eight of your own favourite songs from your latest album, OK?
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Right, since we announced your comeback appearance
0:05:53 > 0:05:54at the Isle of Wight Festival,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56the official Thotch fan club are going to hold
0:05:56 > 0:05:58their annual convention on a cruise ship
0:05:58 > 0:06:00on the way to the festival on the day you perform
0:06:00 > 0:06:02and they really want you to appear in person
0:06:02 > 0:06:03as it's your 45th anniversary.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07They've offered you 20 grand and whatever you make on autographs.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09That is a lot of money for a boat ride.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- Yeah, but not enough, so I turned it down for you.- Why?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Because it's tragic, that's why.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17There is nothing tragic about 40,000.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19That could make a difference to so many lives.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22So you think Brian should appear at his own convention on a ferry
0:06:22 > 0:06:24full of Thotch fans from which there is no escape?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26For that money? Yes.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29- Have you ever met a Thotch fan? - Then you are a very lucky person.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31V Festival people have asked if you want to headline,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34but they're offering half of what Tom Jones is getting,
0:06:34 > 0:06:35so I told them to fuck off too.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Celebrity...
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Mastermind, Celebrity Pointless, Celebrity Crimewatch -
0:06:40 > 0:06:42turned them all down. And...
0:06:42 > 0:06:44There's another one.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Oh, yeah, Children In Need. Told them to fuck off.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- You didn't!- Why?- Politely!
0:06:49 > 0:06:50What did you say?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Fuck off, please.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55I just don't see why you pay him 10% to turn things down for you,
0:06:55 > 0:06:58some of which you should be doing.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00I think you should let him go.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04- Oh, no, no. I couldn't do that. - Well, why not?
0:07:04 > 0:07:08You can manage yourself. Lots of artists do that these days.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11But, Astrid, I am not a businessman. I'm a musician.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Well, OK, I'll manage you, then.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20And that way, all the money goes into the same pot.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24Brian has been surrounded by negativity for too long and, erm...
0:07:24 > 0:07:28He's too nice for his own good, so I just jettison some of those
0:07:28 > 0:07:32grey spirits that were draining the positive energy from his aura.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34John's been with me for years. He's good for me.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37And I'm not?
0:07:37 > 0:07:42- Oh, come on now, I didn't say that. - No, no. No, I mean, I get it.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44All the old boys, they stick together
0:07:44 > 0:07:47and us silly women, we just get to worry about your fucking hair
0:07:47 > 0:07:49- and making your tea...- OK.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51OK, you can manage me.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52Yeah, great.
0:07:52 > 0:07:57- It'll be good. New start. - Oh, God, Brian! Really?- No problem.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02- So I'll call the V Festival and the fan club.- Uh-huh.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06- And you'll speak to John?- Yes.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07OK.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Bye-bye.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Brian has come to BBC Broadcasting House to record Desert Island Discs.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Do you think Astrid will be a better manager than John?
0:08:25 > 0:08:29- Yes.- Do you regret what you did?- No.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Brian.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34John. What are you doing here?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37I sent you a voicemail,
0:08:37 > 0:08:39saying I'd be here and buy you some lunch afterwards.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41You didn't get it?
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Oh, Astrid takes all my calls now.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Oh, I see.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48- That's why I haven't heard from you, then, is it?- John, I sent you a fax.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51A fax?! I haven't had a fax for 20 fucking years, mate. Why?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Oh, no reason.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56- Brian Pern?- Yes.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- If you'd like to follow me. - Yes, certainly.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- KIRSTY YOUNG:- My castaway this week is a rock musician,
0:09:01 > 0:09:05humanitarian and inventor of world music.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06He first came to fame as lead singer
0:09:06 > 0:09:08of the progressive rock back Thotch
0:09:08 > 0:09:12which he formed at Stowe with fellow pupils Pat Quid and Tony Pebble.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15This summer, he's about to embark on a festival tour
0:09:15 > 0:09:18marking 40 years as a solo artist.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- He is Brian Pern.- Hello, Kirsty.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Let's talk a little bit about your parents, then.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Your father was a surgeon, your mum, I think, was a teacher.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Yes, my father was a surgeon. My mother was a teacher.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34And were they musical at all themselves?
0:09:34 > 0:09:35No.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38What's your first piece of music that we're going to hear today?
0:09:38 > 0:09:39My first choice today is a track called
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Succulent Chinese Meal by Brian Pern.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44- That's you.- Yes.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47And why do you like it?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Well, it's a track that I wrote
0:09:49 > 0:09:52and this is a new orchestral cover of the song.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55It's on my new orchestral album, which is called
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Strings Attached.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- MUSIC STARTS - Pam, cancel the LA flight.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03I'm going to stay in London because of these festivals.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07And dig out the fax machine, would you? Brian sent me a fax, the twat.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08Let me know what it says.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Time for some more music. What are we going to hear now?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Well, I always admired the films of Alfred Hitchcock
0:10:13 > 0:10:17and I was appalled to discover they're knocking down his early home
0:10:17 > 0:10:21in Leighton in East London to build a Nando's barbecue franchise.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23I wrote a song about it. I was angry.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26And it's called Dial N For Nando's.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28So there's another song by you?
0:10:28 > 0:10:32- Uh-huh.- Are you going to pick any songs today by other artists?
0:10:32 > 0:10:33No.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Right.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38'This is a story about a lovely old house
0:10:38 > 0:10:40- 'in London's East End.' - PSYCHO STRINGS
0:10:40 > 0:10:44'They want to turn it into a chicken shack.'
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- Dermot.- Hello, John, how are you?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48- I'm all right. And you?- Yeah. What you doing here?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- Brian's doing Kirsty Young. - Ooh, lovely. Great.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54What's all this about Brian not making the Radio 2 playlist?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Oh, nothing to do with me.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58You could get him on your show, couldn't you?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Yeah, I mean, it's tricky because our show is kind of
0:11:01 > 0:11:05up and coming bands and he's kind of...been and gone a little bit.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07You could pull a few strings, though, couldn't you?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10I could have done, but then he told Children In Need to F-off when
0:11:10 > 0:11:13they asked him to perform and since then he's been on the blacklist.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- Oh.- You know what it's like. No-one disses Pudsey and gets away with it.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- Oh, right.- Anyway, good luck, mate.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22- PHONE RINGS - Fucking Pudsey.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26Little wanker's a stuffed toy with a gammy eye, for fuck's sake.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Pam? What's it say?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31I'm now going to play you a cover version
0:11:31 > 0:11:33that I recorded of his song.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36It's an orchestral cover on my new album, which is called
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Strings Attached.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40This song is called Kitchu Akka Ba Aga Aga,
0:11:40 > 0:11:42which means "Put the lid back on the jam."
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Put that in your fucking documentary.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Ta-ta.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Can I ask you about the time Brian sacked you?
0:11:53 > 0:11:54No.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Under new management, Brian has now agreed to appear
0:11:58 > 0:12:02on the Thotch convention cruise to the Isle of Wight Festival.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- Whose idea was it to do this festivals tour?- Astrid's.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09- What's the reason behind it?- To get back and connect with my fans.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Astrid believes that I have become something of a hermit prince
0:12:13 > 0:12:15in a high tower, with my fans way below.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17She believes I need to reconnect.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Thotch fans tend to come in several categories.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21There are fans of the Brian era,
0:12:21 > 0:12:23there are fans of the post-Brian era,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26there are '70s fans, there are '80s fans
0:12:26 > 0:12:29and then there are the nutcases who buy everything,
0:12:29 > 0:12:32including the awful solo albums by the second bass player.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33We're dedicated!
0:12:33 > 0:12:36We live Thotch, we eat Thotch,
0:12:36 > 0:12:38we breathe Thotch, we shit Thotch.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Our fans were always more intellectual rather than attractive.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43They were all blokes in the early days.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47You know, greasy-haired men in nylon shirts that smelt under the armpits.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49All the birds were off seeing Cliff Richard.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50Which is ironic.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Brian Pern!
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Brian's first engagement on the ship is a Q & A session.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Hi. So, ask away.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Who did the costume and make-up in the 1970s?
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Xanadu Bramble.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04Er, next question, please.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07How many instruments did you play on your solo album?
0:13:07 > 0:13:13Er, it was six. It was drums, bass, guitar, synth and flute.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Do you mind if I answer the questions?
0:13:15 > 0:13:16Right. There you go.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19This is the biggest cabin.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22There's baby-wipes on the bed if you want to freshen up
0:13:22 > 0:13:23and there's water in the spout.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Erm, and I'll be down in the bar doing the auction.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- I'll give you a shout when we're ready.- Auction?- Yeah.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32And this is for you. 20k in there, plus per-diems.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Don't spend it all at once.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36I thought we were doing it by BECS?
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Er, no, no, no, no.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Cash is king, mate. No VAT.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43HE SIGHS
0:13:44 > 0:13:47- Brian, can I have a word a second? - Oh...
0:13:47 > 0:13:51- Not now.- I just want to talk about the convention while we're...
0:13:51 > 0:13:54You know, I feel like someone's made a monkey out of me.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Do you regret doing this a bit?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Don't you think it's, like, beneath you?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Please, let me just look.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03OK.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07- When you change your mind... - Just leave me alone!
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Just really quickly.
0:14:11 > 0:14:16I am contractually obliged to do certain things on this vessel
0:14:16 > 0:14:19with certain Thotch fans.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I am not contractually obliged to continually
0:14:22 > 0:14:25speak to you at every given fucking opportunity.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26OK, all right. All right, just leave him.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Leave him. Leave him, leave him.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32OK, Thotch fans, are you ready? It's auction time!
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Hello, it's me. Where are you?
0:14:34 > 0:14:35It's my fourth call.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38The guy who runs the fan club is an absolute pipsqueak.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Pat Quid's bottle-green replica guitar. £2,000?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Three times to the silver fox at the front. Thank you, sir.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Just call me.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51- Brian?- What? WHAT?!
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Oh, please, no more! What are you doing in here?
0:14:54 > 0:14:57I just... Can I just ask you some questions?
0:14:57 > 0:14:58But how did you get in?
0:14:58 > 0:14:59Well, I had the key.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03If you want this to be properly your whole life, you have to do this.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04That's the whole point.
0:15:04 > 0:15:09Buddy, you have overstepped the boundaries. Now take yourself off.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10- There aren't any boundaries.- No! No!
0:15:10 > 0:15:13How do you want to come across on this?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Not like this, on my fucking knees!
0:15:15 > 0:15:17You shit.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20'Despite Brian's new wife, new manager and new look,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23'cracks were clearly beginning to show.'
0:15:23 > 0:15:24Right, a little bit of decorum in the room now.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Are you ready for this, right?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28OK, now, the final lot...
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Unbeknownst to Brian, Astrid has donated the star auction prize.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36One very lucky person will not only get to see Brian perform
0:15:36 > 0:15:39LIVE at the V Festival this year,
0:15:39 > 0:15:45but they will get to spend the whole day with Brian.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Do I see £1,000?
0:15:46 > 0:15:50£1,000 at the back, sir. Rubbish. £1,500 to me.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52I'm bidding against you.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Do I see £2,000? £2,000, then, lady at the back. Not enough.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57£2,500, me!
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Do I see 4,000 in the room?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Gentleman at the back. Marquis of Bath.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06£5,000 to me. Going once, twice, three times.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Me! Get in!
0:16:11 > 0:16:16Today is Brian's first festival performance since 1975.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Do you know, I've yet to meet a single festivalgoer
0:16:24 > 0:16:26who I haven't found to be a complete twat.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30You're obviously Thotch fans.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- You've come all the way to see him.- Yeah, man.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34- How far can you come to see Brian Pern today?- About four miles.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Festivals are an incredibly important part of British history.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45They go way back to pagan times. To the Stone Age.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Ever since a group of people sat out in a field and a guy picked up
0:16:49 > 0:16:52a stick and banged it on a tree.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Never enough toilets in the '70s and people would hog 'em.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Van Morrison was the worst. He used to sing in there.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58He was in there forever.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01The festival promoter would give you a bucket, spade and a dock leaf
0:17:01 > 0:17:04and...you'd just fuck off.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Everyone had bum grief. It was wall-to-wall vegetarian cooking.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10CHEERING
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Hello, good morning. My name is Brian Pern. This is my new band.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23We're going to play you a song. It's called Spirit Level.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25FUNK BEAT
0:17:31 > 0:17:34SCAT SINGING
0:17:34 > 0:17:35I hate playing in the daylight, you know.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37You can see every oily student,
0:17:37 > 0:17:40drunk, bald people, children dancing about - Jesus!
0:17:40 > 0:17:43I kept looking at this squirrel at one festival. Really put me off.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45It was, like, staring me out.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Like it hated me.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49I shot it.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52What's the worst thing that can happen at a festival?
0:17:54 > 0:17:55Probably murder.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59Yep.
0:17:59 > 0:18:04- JOHN:- In 1975, five years after what was the last Isle of Wight Festival,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07myself, Richard Branson and Harvey Goldsmith tried to revive the event.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09A lot of great acts there.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14Mike Oldfield, Kiki Dee, The Who, Clapton, Mike Batt...
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I managed to wangle Thotch as the headlining act.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19What we didn't want was a repeat of what happened at Altamont
0:18:19 > 0:18:20with the Hells Angels,
0:18:20 > 0:18:24so I suggested that we get the Salvation Army for security
0:18:24 > 0:18:27because they were trustworthy, kind and it would send a message
0:18:27 > 0:18:30to people that this was a festival of peace.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33But some fucker spiked their teapot, didn't they?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC
0:18:38 > 0:18:40It was absolute carnage!
0:18:40 > 0:18:42The Salvation Army were very wound up.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Poor old Don McLean had a tooth knocked out.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47That was a very sad day for all involved.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48There was a big fat bloke.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51And he jammed his tuba on people's heads.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- Christ!- And it was happening right in front of us!
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Part of me what thinking, "Christ, what a disaster."
0:18:56 > 0:18:57But at the same time, "Great!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59"What better publicity could there have been?"
0:18:59 > 0:19:01But someone died.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Well, there is that, I suppose, but...
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I mean, it was a long while afterwards.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10I mean, the bloke was six months in a coma
0:19:10 > 0:19:13before he finally booked out, so you know...
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Did you ever find out who spiked the teapot?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Yes.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19All right, who was it?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Well, it's a long time ago, you know.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I don't want to drag it all up.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25But it would be nice to find out who...
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- I'm not really at liberty to say... - But you know who it was?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- Yes.- Was it a man?
0:19:32 > 0:19:36- Yes.- Was it someone who was on the bill on that day?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- Yes, I believe... Yes.- So it was a man.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41He was on the bill at the festival.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42Did he have blond hair?
0:19:44 > 0:19:45- No.- Brown hair?
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- No, but what does it... - Did he have red hair?
0:19:51 > 0:19:52Yes.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56Did this person write the music for The Wombles...
0:19:56 > 0:19:57and Watership Down?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02He could have.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06Brian, did Mike Batt spike the teapot that belonged to the Salvation Army,
0:20:06 > 0:20:11which drove several of them crazy on June 4, 1975?
0:20:11 > 0:20:12Yes or no?
0:20:12 > 0:20:13Yes.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14Thank you.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19It's the evening after Brian's triumphant performance
0:20:19 > 0:20:21on the Isle of Wight.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22With his wife away,
0:20:22 > 0:20:26he has decided to get into the festival spirit by camping overnight.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Hello, darling. How are you?
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Oh... Hi. Hi, Brian.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- Is this a bad time?- No...
0:20:34 > 0:20:37No, I, er... I just got Serge off, so...
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- Um... How was the show? - Oh, it was great.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- Yeah. Did you see it?- Er, no.
0:20:44 > 0:20:49No, they don't have iPlayer here, which is really annoying.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Brian...
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- SHE YAWNS - I am so tired!
0:20:54 > 0:20:57It's just with the jet lag and the time difference,
0:20:57 > 0:21:00it just really messes with my aura.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02But you're in the South of France?
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Martin Kemp is behind you.
0:21:07 > 0:21:08Oh!
0:21:08 > 0:21:10God, what are you doing?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14I... I'm sorry. Er, it's the wrong room.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18- I'm supposed to be seeing this other woman next door.- Right.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21All right, Bri? Saw the show tonight. It was brilliant.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25- Watched it all on the iPlayer. - Er, no. No, no, we didn't.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28We didn't? No, we...
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Oh, that's right, we were watching something completely different.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34You know, I wasn't paying attention.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35So, anyway, you...
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Er, I'll leave you to it, then. All right.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Sorry about the confusion!
0:21:39 > 0:21:41See you, Bri.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Goodnight, Martin.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45SHE YAWNS
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Brian, I am just so tired.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50So, erm, I'll call you in the morning.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53All clear?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01I've done it again, haven't I?
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Erm...
0:22:02 > 0:22:05I'll get me eyes tested.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Good luck with the, erm, other woman.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Goodnight.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- OK.- All clear?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21PHONE RINGS
0:22:22 > 0:22:27- Who's that? Going to get it?- It's Brian, no.- No, ask him over.- No, no!
0:22:27 > 0:22:32He's a user. If his woman not around, he wants me. No!
0:22:32 > 0:22:36- Fuck you, Brian. No.- Oh! - Do not answer that. No!
0:22:36 > 0:22:40- Don't be a party pooper.- No, I'm going to bed. I'm going to bed.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41Bloody zips.
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Give us a toke on that.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Hello?
0:22:51 > 0:22:52Oh, hello, Brian.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55What are you calling me at this time for?
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Yeah, yeah. I can... Yeah, yeah, yeah,
0:22:57 > 0:23:00I can sort that out. No problem. Yeah.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Leave it with me, pal.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Three weeks later, the remaining members of Thotch announce
0:23:07 > 0:23:10they are to reform without Brian and headline the V Festival -
0:23:10 > 0:23:13one of the hottest tickets of the summer.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Thotch are now reforming without you.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17The four members are coming back together again,
0:23:17 > 0:23:19and they're going to play the Virgin Festival.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I saw how you felt when you found out
0:23:21 > 0:23:22they were higher than you on the bill.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25It's the new set list for the V Festival - you might want to have a look.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Where am I? I'm not headlining.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33- SHE SIGHS - You're down between The Charlatans and Black Lace.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Sad to say I think it may be John Farrow doing some skulduggery
0:23:36 > 0:23:38behind the scenes.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40You know, he's stirring the pot.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Putting the different ingredients in. The wizard, the toad.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Oh, I would never do a thing like that.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49No, Thotch were asked to reform last minute.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Pat and Tony thought it would be fun for old times' sake.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55We approach Brian's manager, who declined the offer.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57And so we went ahead without him.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Brian and Astrid are on their way to the V Festival in Manchester
0:24:04 > 0:24:06with fan club president, Perry Booth.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11But, halfway there, the train makes an unexpected stop.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15With only a few hours before the show, the timing could not be worse.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Oh, excuse me.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19- But what is going on?- Sorry, madam.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20I can't really say at the moment.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- HE LAUGHS LOUDLY - The driver will be making an announcement.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24Yes, but how long?
0:24:24 > 0:24:27He's performing at the V Festival in a few hours.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Madam, I really can't say.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33TANNOY: I'm sorry for the delay, ladies and gentlemen.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36But I'm afraid we have hit a herd of cows crossing the track.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39The emergency services are on their way,
0:24:39 > 0:24:41but we expect to be here for some time.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44As a mark of respect, the roast beef baps are off the menu.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45Oh, God.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46You're kidding me!
0:24:46 > 0:24:48We really need to get off this train,
0:24:48 > 0:24:51because if you don't turn up to the concert, we don't get paid.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54I tell you, we'd be lucky if we move out of here by midnight.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56I'm going to go to the other end of the train.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57See if someone there has a signal.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00I'm going to go and speak to the driver.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02It's supposed to be my day.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03I've got Chas, Dave,
0:25:03 > 0:25:06half of Quo, a third of Thotch,
0:25:06 > 0:25:08a fifth of Yes and Florence and her fucking Machine stuck here.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11They've got to get off the train now to stand a rat-arse chance of
0:25:11 > 0:25:13getting on stage on time in Manchester.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16There are huge penalty payments for not appearing and we don't get paid.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Are Virgin going to pick that up? Not a chance.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21You must understand that I have to follow procedure.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Can I offer you complimentary tea and coffee from the buffet?
0:25:24 > 0:25:26As you know, our travelling chef is on board.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28I couldn't give a solitary bollock about the travelling chef.
0:25:28 > 0:25:3130 seconds is all it takes to open that door and let us off.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33John, you've got to help me. Please!
0:25:34 > 0:25:36- Somebody say something? - I didn't know you were on the train.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38There it goes again. Whatever could it be?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Come on, darling. Open the doors.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42I'm sorry, but I can't.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Come on, love, give it a rest, will you?
0:25:44 > 0:25:48Right. Who do I have to call to get you to open these doors? Because this is getting serious.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52- Now, is it money you want? Have you got a relative who wants to get on The Voice?- I am sorry, sir.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56I will not be bribed. We have a herd of cows out there in a critical condition.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57Hello, Richard. John Farrow.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58You got a signal?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Yeah, if you could.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02We've got stuck on one of your trains which appears
0:26:02 > 0:26:05to have ground to a halt on the way to the V Festival
0:26:05 > 0:26:08and your driver won't let us off.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Yeah... Well, there's me, Chas, Dave,
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Wakeman, Parfitt, Pebble...
0:26:13 > 0:26:17- And Brian Pern, and his wife Astrid, and a fan.- Yeah, that's all.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Oh, well, that's very generous, Richard.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22No, that's brilliant.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- There you are. He says yes. - Who says yes?- Richard Branson.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27- How do I know that's Richard Branson?- Look.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30That just says Richard. How do I know that's Richard Branson?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32- That could be any Richard. - Speak to him.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Hello, is that Richard Branson?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Oh, it is you, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Of course I will open the doors, sir. Of course, yeah.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Right, that's it. Yeah, it's him.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Richard? Thank you.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Sorry about that. Come on, then, off.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50I'm not happy about this, but don't let anybody see.
0:26:53 > 0:26:54How are you getting on?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57John, please! You've got to help me.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01Speak to your agent, Brian. You're not my problem any more. Ta-ta.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02John? Open the door! John!
0:27:04 > 0:27:05I can't believe this.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07- Do you know Richard Branson? - Now, Brian, breathe.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10I can't believe this is happening.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- Come on, then. Hurry up.- Oh, Johnny!
0:27:16 > 0:27:17He's sending a helicopter.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- We should get there on time.- I love you.- Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21That's enough.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23How can I ever repay you?
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Well, you know what you got to do.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29I'll send you a fax.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Brian? What are you doing?
0:27:31 > 0:27:32Brian?
0:27:34 > 0:27:36I wouldn't get too upset if I were you.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39He fucked two Thotch fans at the Isle of Wight Festival.
0:27:39 > 0:27:40One of them were 56.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42TANNOY: The buffet car is now open.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Today, our special lunch is a deep-fried Stilton parcel ring
0:27:46 > 0:27:48with a salsa.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Oh, hi. Aloha.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53Come in.
0:27:53 > 0:27:54Enjoy the show? OK.
0:27:56 > 0:27:57That's good.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59That's fine stuff right there.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Hang on, move up.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03One, two, one and two.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06One and two. One and two.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07Up...over the stile.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Into the field.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11The cat is in the trap.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14OK, round two. Heads down.
0:28:14 > 0:28:15No-nonsense boogie.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17The church...
0:28:17 > 0:28:18Oh, the church, the steeple, the spire....
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Oh!
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Oh!
0:28:22 > 0:28:23BRIAN GROANS
0:28:23 > 0:28:24Get out!