0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language
0:00:06 > 0:00:09- I said it was that way. - THAT isn't a way, Mum!
0:00:09 > 0:00:12- What are you doing?- Mum, just stay on your side of the car!
0:00:12 > 0:00:16- You're lurching me over! - I can't see the road!
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Stand clear! SHE BREAKS WIND
0:00:37 > 0:00:40- For God's sake!- Don't snap at me! You missed the turning.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Why aren't you driving? It's your car!
0:00:43 > 0:00:45I prefer to yell at you.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48And we go to cousin Pat's every birthday.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50How can you not know the way?
0:00:50 > 0:00:53I try to block it out, like all of our time together.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Now that I'm 70, which is the new 50,
0:00:58 > 0:01:00it suddenly hit me.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Gefilte bhaji?
0:01:02 > 0:01:04I vomited before I came, thanks.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Well, you've got to eat something.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08Bombay finger?
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Did you bring any normal-sounding food at all?
0:01:12 > 0:01:15The big 7-0.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17And I finally see it!
0:01:17 > 0:01:21Life's not about the destination, it's about the journey.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24You learn, you share...
0:01:24 > 0:01:27You needed to take THAT exit.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Oh, fuck!
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Ha! Don't suppose you've had one of those in a while?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34What happened to Big Jim?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Oh, well, he died.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40There was an accident with a winch.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Well, that's terrible.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Still, plenty more fish.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48What? Wait! He wasn't my boyfriend!
0:01:48 > 0:01:50He was my 40st neighbour
0:01:50 > 0:01:53who had to be lifted out of his flat by the fire brigade!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55God!
0:01:55 > 0:01:58So who's spelunking the bat cave these days?
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Stop it. Stop it.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03Why won't you tell me? Unless...
0:02:03 > 0:02:05SHE CHUCKLES
0:02:05 > 0:02:07I did always wonder.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10What type are you? Lipstick? Chopstick?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13We're not having this conversation, OK?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Why won't you tell me? I'm a woman of the world!
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I've had my brushes with the clitterati.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Brushes...AND feathers.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24OK, no conversation AT ALL!
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Like riding along with a Carmelite nun!
0:02:28 > 0:02:29# I love you, I hate you
0:02:29 > 0:02:32# I'm on the fence, it all depends whether I'm up, I'm down
0:02:32 > 0:02:35# I'm on the mend Transcending all reality... #
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Carpe diem - seize the day.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40I was inspired by...what's her name?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43You know, that... that cook on television. Erm...
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Delia Smith?
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Bowl hair cut. Caused a run on omelette pans.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Yeah, do you mean Delia Smith?
0:02:50 > 0:02:51I think she owned a football team.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56Became a noun in the OED. Let's all do a...Delia!
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Delia Smith!
0:02:59 > 0:03:01And...?
0:03:01 > 0:03:06She said, "Don't count the days, make the days count."
0:03:06 > 0:03:08That was Muhammad Ali.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10- What?- No! Obviously, no!
0:03:10 > 0:03:12CAR HORN BLARES
0:03:12 > 0:03:13Uh-oh!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I need to go again.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17What, again?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19What do you want me to do, Franny, shit in a bag?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22OK! OK! Do not shit in any bag!
0:03:24 > 0:03:26TOILET FLUSHES
0:03:26 > 0:03:28One lump or two?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Hands! Hands!
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- What...?!- Honestly!
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Ah!
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- Sorry, Pat.- No, no.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42We enjoy your little visits
0:03:42 > 0:03:46and we've some lovely leftovers of Gemma's cake-tasting.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Gem, darling. We're going to need a bigger plate.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54I like the chocolate, but my fiance Paul prefers the vanilla.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56I think we'll go traditional.
0:03:56 > 0:04:01Did I tell you that fiance Paul has bought them a duplex?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03He paid cash.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05What's a duplex? Is it a condom?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Stop it!
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Oh, did I tell you, Gemma's got a new job?
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Head of HR.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Mm, Franny's had a promotion, too -
0:04:13 > 0:04:16to be one of these super-duper teachers.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18- Aw.- I haven't got it yet, Mum.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Well, as we say in HR,
0:04:20 > 0:04:23there's no failure, only feedback.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Ha! Tell that to the passengers on the Titanic!
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Oh, Fran, you're not the Titanic.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31No. She's not going down on anyone!
0:04:31 > 0:04:33TEAPOT CLATTERS
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Hi, Mr Merdon.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40I just thought you might not call cos you knew I was driving.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Anyway, do let me know... about the job.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46It's Fran, by the way.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49OK, bye!
0:04:52 > 0:04:54THEY CHUCKLE
0:04:55 > 0:04:58I was just telling them about my enormous bucket.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Oh, God!
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Places to go, things to do.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- Ah, you mean a list.- I'll show you.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09No, I can imagine. Some horrific odyssey of sordid antics.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Or, as I prefer to call it, fun.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Oh, talking of which, darling, show them your engagement ring.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20I told fiance Paul he should spend one month's salary.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24And how much should you spend on a cousin's 70th birthday, Pat?
0:05:24 > 0:05:25Oh!
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Yes, yes, yes. I got you a little something.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30But it's a big one, 70.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36All right, then, come upstairs.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Yes!
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Ow!
0:05:39 > 0:05:41SHE SIGHS
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Moment of peace.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45All this wed-min Mum's got me doing, Fran,
0:05:45 > 0:05:47it's actually like hard work.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Right. Is it?
0:05:49 > 0:05:55Now that I'm 70, which is the new 30, I'm going for it, Pat!
0:05:55 > 0:05:57You should get a bucket.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59- Here you are, Mim.- Erm...
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Can I have this one?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Oh, all right.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Thank you.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13That's the crap you gave me last Christmas.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17We're using old photos of everyone for place settings.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Funny, isn't it?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Oh, my God, look at your mum!
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Oh, I remember that holiday.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Oh, Fran, is that you?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Erm, no, I don't think so.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- With your dad maybe? - Then, no, definitely not.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Oh, of course.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Did your mum even know who it was?
0:06:35 > 0:06:40Erm, yes, but he died before I was born. This is you.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Yeah, must be.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45There are so many pictures of me, but I can't even find one of you.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48No, well, you won't. Mum says I crack the lens.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- No, she just didn't take any.- Oh!
0:06:54 > 0:06:57A joke, yeah. My fiance Paul does those.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Wait a sec.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Oh.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- Well...- Bon voyage!
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Have a wonderful time.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23We're only going home.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25But I told you about my bucket.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29- Well, what's that got to do with me? - You're driving!- What?!
0:07:29 > 0:07:32"Ride bareback with the Navajo." Hm.
0:07:32 > 0:07:33SHE CHUCKLES
0:07:33 > 0:07:35"Kiss a frog on Lake Titicaca."
0:07:35 > 0:07:37This is ridiculous! You can't do all of this.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39No, not all at once!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41First up is a special night away for us.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Well, I'm sure you'll have fun, but I have an Ocado coming.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46No, no, I'm not going on any trip with her!
0:07:46 > 0:07:49I can't. I've got...plans.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57Just think, this is the ultimate road trip.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59We'll be like Thelma and Louise.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02They killed themselves. Now let's go...home!
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Actually, I do feel like driving today.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- CAR HORNS BLARE - OK, Mum, Mum, Mum!
0:08:09 > 0:08:10What's the matter, Franny?
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Is it Gemma? Her wedding? Her duplex? Her job?
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- I don't even know what HR is. - Human Resources... Mum, please!
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Mum! Mum!
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Slow down! Pull over!
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Just... No! No fucking way!
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- Franny, please! - Mum, no! There is no way!
0:08:31 > 0:08:36Look, I might not always have been the best mother in the world...
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Ha! Or the best mother in our house!
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Look, Franny, I'm 70.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45I've never seen the sun set on the Taj Mahal.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47I've never made love in an elevator.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Or have I?
0:08:50 > 0:08:53But my biggest regret is you!
0:08:53 > 0:08:58That's why I booked a special night away, somewhere YOU'LL like.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Please, it's the minibreak we never had.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06One night, one trip, but I'm driving!
0:09:07 > 0:09:10# I was born in the wagon of a travellin' show
0:09:10 > 0:09:13# My mama used to dance for the money they'd throw
0:09:13 > 0:09:18# Papa would do whatever he could
0:09:18 > 0:09:21# Preach a little gospel
0:09:21 > 0:09:25# Sell a couple bottles of Dr Good... #
0:09:25 > 0:09:27No, no more.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29But I love that song!
0:09:29 > 0:09:32"I was born in the wagon of a travelling show."
0:09:32 > 0:09:34MIM SCOFFS
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Did I ever tell you you were nearly born in a minicab?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Was I?
0:09:40 > 0:09:43The driver's name was Tahibo.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46He said I had the most luxuriant bush...
0:09:46 > 0:09:48OK, stop now, thank you very much.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Never even gave him a tip.
0:09:52 > 0:09:58Maybe I should have called you Tahibo. Still, what's done is done.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09OK.
0:10:09 > 0:10:15Which would you rather - dry-hump Ann Widdecombe or rim Donald Trump?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17No, Mum! A proper quiz, like,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20"Where was the Declaration of American Independence signed?"
0:10:20 > 0:10:22- On the left!- If you're not going to do it properly...
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Listen! Here, on the left.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27We've finally arrived!
0:10:34 > 0:10:35MiniWorld!
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Norfolk's answer to Disneyland.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40What the hell was the question?
0:10:40 > 0:10:44You were desperate to come here. Went on and on about it one summer.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47- But we didn't. - Well, it was the '80s.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50There were risks - Chernobyl, Aids
0:10:50 > 0:10:52and that emu.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Or was it the summer you disappeared off
0:10:55 > 0:10:58to rescue Nelson Mandela in Alicante(?)
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Or was it the summer
0:10:59 > 0:11:02you were in hiding from the Baader-Meinhof Gang(?)
0:11:02 > 0:11:04I don't remember specifically.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Or was it the summer you just dumped me at Granny's house...
0:11:08 > 0:11:11who had died in April?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- I came back.- And we're going.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18No, I don't want to go home! I want to do my bucket list!
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Because 70 is the new foetus?
0:11:21 > 0:11:22No,
0:11:22 > 0:11:23because I'm dying!
0:11:25 > 0:11:26What?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31But...no...
0:11:31 > 0:11:34You look OK.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35From a distance.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38I'm like a Seurat painting.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Come closer, and there's a million tiny dots multiplying.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Oh, shit! Cancer?
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Eating away at me, and not in a way I'd like!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49What are we doing here?
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Why aren't we at a hospital?
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Because that's the END of my story.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57And there's so many pages left to fill!
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Oh, Mum!
0:12:02 > 0:12:04God, I wish you'd wear a bra!
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Pre-paid one night, double room on a Kids Go Free deal, yeah?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Er...double room?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17And...I'm not a kid.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19You're my kid.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20I'm 35.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23One upgrade to adjoining rooms...
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Mini rate is £179.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30We'll have a pyjama party.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Oh, what's the minibar like?
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Tiny. Right, you're in the Mini Lodge.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38You can walk it or take the Mini Train.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Welcome to MiniWorld.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51SHE GASPS
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Last one to the hotel's a paedo!
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Running with the bulls in Pamplona.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Zorbing in Bedford.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08When are we going to talk about it?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- What?- The elephant in the room.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Don't be so hard on yourself, Franny.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17I just want to get a handle on this.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21- It's coming!- Yeah, that's why we HAVE to talk about it.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23- I told them, you see.- What?
0:13:24 > 0:13:29- TUNELESSLY:- # Happy birthday to you
0:13:29 > 0:13:33# Happy birthday to you
0:13:33 > 0:13:39# Happy birthday dear...Mim
0:13:39 > 0:13:42# Happy birthday to you. #
0:13:42 > 0:13:45MIM CHUCKLES
0:13:45 > 0:13:47- Whoo!- Birthday conga time?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Yeah!
0:13:50 > 0:13:51Hey-hey-hey!
0:13:51 > 0:13:54CONGA MUSIC PLAYS
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Hey!
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Hey!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Hey! Hey!
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Hey! Hey!
0:14:06 > 0:14:10- Wire hangers!- Agh! - I always need more of these!
0:14:10 > 0:14:13What is on your face?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Beauty cream!
0:14:15 > 0:14:17I didn't just fellate a Smurf.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- Ugh.- But did I ever tell you about the time I did?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- It was in Brussels, I... - Please, don't give me nightmares.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25- Oh, you!- Too late!
0:14:25 > 0:14:31I want to experience everything before all I have are memories.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Who are these children?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Well, I haven't actually met them,
0:14:35 > 0:14:38but they're very photogenic, don't you think?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40And you've got one of Gemma, I see.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Oh, I don't want to argue.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46We should be bonding.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Gossiping together, woman to woman.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52And, Fran, if that's what you're into, it's...
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Ugh, Mum! I don't want to talk about that.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- You're ill and...- Well, I don't want to talk about that!
0:14:58 > 0:15:00I want quality time.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Stick the telly on?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Yeah. Cosy.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19Ah! We never do this. Why is that?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22'Unfortunately for the singleton black bear cub,
0:15:22 > 0:15:24'the mother will often abandon it,
0:15:24 > 0:15:28'deciding that raising only one baby just isn't worth her effort.'
0:15:33 > 0:15:35TV OFF
0:15:35 > 0:15:39Maybe you were right, dear. Bedtime.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46RUSTLING
0:15:48 > 0:15:53Oi! Are you checking for squirrels over there?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55- Am I what?- Masturbating.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59When you were small, I had to nearly tape up your knickers.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00Ugh!
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Go to sleep!
0:16:11 > 0:16:16Apparently, the models are an exact 1-12 replica of the nearby village.
0:16:16 > 0:16:22Huh! Church, pub, pet shop and kebabery. Oh.
0:16:23 > 0:16:28"Et in Arcadia ego." Hm.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- Ah.- No, not another word. No morbid talk.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35"Life" is a doing word.
0:16:35 > 0:16:40Well, actually, it's a noun. OK, Mum, MiniWorld here we come!
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Yes!
0:16:44 > 0:16:47# Climbed a mountain and I turned around
0:16:49 > 0:16:55# And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
0:16:55 > 0:16:59# Till the landslide brought it down
0:17:01 > 0:17:04# Oh, mirror in the sky
0:17:04 > 0:17:07# What is love?
0:17:07 > 0:17:11# Can the child within my heart rise above?
0:17:13 > 0:17:19# Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
0:17:19 > 0:17:25# Can I handle the seasons of my life? #
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Hey-hey!
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Oh.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33PHONE BEEPS
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Are you sexting?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39It's a missed call from work.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Oh, God, the promotion!
0:17:41 > 0:17:43I'll call back later.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Fine, let's get out of here. Go for a boozy lunch?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48But it's my putt!
0:17:54 > 0:17:56- How long have you had that humped back?- Oh...
0:17:56 > 0:17:58OTHERS LAUGH
0:17:58 > 0:18:02That's nice - affirmation, encouragement.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05You're not a child, Franny.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06I'm your child.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Yes, it's funny, really. It's like looking into a hall of mirrors.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Agh!
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Always crap at sports.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18Maybe that's because you don't like playing with balls.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Stop, OK? You've got it wrong.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22How's wanting to talk getting it wrong?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24I am not gay, Mum!
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I don't care whether you're LBO or QTI.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Everyone's gender liquid these days. You can't hide from what's inside.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Well, that's nothing.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37And there's never been anything, inside or nearby.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Really?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42You...you mean you've not...
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Not ever?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Well, how can this be?
0:18:46 > 0:18:50Just...never happened for me, Mum.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Oh, Franny, that's...that's...
0:18:55 > 0:18:57..ridiculous!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59You're a virgin, you're 35!
0:18:59 > 0:19:02PHONE RINGS I mean, what...?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Not now!
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Franny, I mean, seriously?
0:19:06 > 0:19:12Yes, I'm a virgin! A big, fat 35-year-old virgin, OK?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14'Fran? Hello?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- 'It's Nigel Merdon.'- Oh!- 'Hello?'
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- Oh, God!- 'Fran?'- Oh, shit!
0:19:20 > 0:19:24A virgin? I...I can't believe it!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Well, of course YOU can't!
0:19:28 > 0:19:31You were the universal docking station!
0:19:31 > 0:19:33One size fits all!
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Are you saying this is my fault?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37If the Dutch cap fits!
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Well, it didn't, and that's why you're here.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41What? I didn't ask to be born!
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Oh, that's right, blame the mother!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Well, I can't do it, Mum! I can't!
0:19:45 > 0:19:47What are you saying?
0:19:47 > 0:19:52I can't do a trip down traumatic memory lane. It's not fair!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Life's not fair, Franny!
0:19:55 > 0:19:59It's so short, and there's so much I want to do.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02It's always what you want to do!
0:20:02 > 0:20:06This is the first time you have ever thought of me, and why?
0:20:06 > 0:20:10You want a chauffeur. You're not even sorry, are you?
0:20:10 > 0:20:12You are never sorry!
0:20:12 > 0:20:14I'm sorry you've made a mess of things.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16You've ruined my career.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18You ruined my vagina!
0:20:18 > 0:20:20You ruined my life!
0:20:20 > 0:20:22You did that all by yourself.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24You can't putt,
0:20:24 > 0:20:26you can't fuck! What CAN you do?
0:20:26 > 0:20:29I can drive you to Dignitas!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I...I didn't mean that! I...
0:20:57 > 0:21:02Oh, hi, it's Fran. Erm, someone just briefly stole my phone.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Don't know what you heard.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08Weird. Anyway, just wondering if you had any news about the job.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12I-It's Fran, by the way. OK, bye.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Oh...
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Which king died on the toilet?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19George II.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23GAME PLAYS FANFARE
0:21:23 > 0:21:25You just won me a tenner!
0:21:25 > 0:21:27I should buy you a drink.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30COINS RATTLE
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Oh, OK, sure.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Oh, I'm Dom, by the way.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Aneurism.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46That's how George II died.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48I am called Fran.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52It's nice to talk to a grown-up for a change.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- Isn't it? - I'm on me own with them, you see.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57God, me too!
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Why is it so difficult just to communicate?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Mm, they drive you mad sometimes.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Why can't SHE be the adult for once?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06It gets easier.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09How old's yours, then?
0:22:09 > 0:22:1170.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Mum, I shouldn't have s...
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Have you tried calling your mum?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Yes, obviously.
0:22:32 > 0:22:38Look, OK, so she's this tall and this wide.
0:22:38 > 0:22:43She's got curly hair, like mine but white.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Erm, big eyes.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Nose like this. Well, you couldn't miss her.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51She's unique.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Oh, that is actually quite good.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Don't worry, we'll find her.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- LOUDSPEAKER:- Fran Morganstein.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Fran Morganstein.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Big enough gesture for you?
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Mum, where have you been?
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Village pub.
0:23:26 > 0:23:31I had a White Russian, a jumbo sausage, and then I had an epiphany.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Franny, I realised something.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38It's not that I CAN'T do it without you, I don't WANT to.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42I know things haven't been great between us but I can't
0:23:42 > 0:23:45change the last three hours or the last 35 years.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47We can only go forward.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Mum, I thought I'd lost you.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52I've got to make the days count.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55I want you to come with me, Franny.
0:23:55 > 0:24:00You're in a rut, dear, and I can't die knowing you haven't lived.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02How did you get this?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Payment in kind.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- And I was very kind!- Ugh!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13PHONE RINGS
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Oh. Oh, God!
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Hello? Yes.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Oh, I see.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25External candidate. OK.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Feedback?
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Actually, I can't. My mum's sick and I need some personal time.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38- So I'll see you next term. - And she won't be a virgin by then!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45We're intertwingled, you and I.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49After all, you came out of my fanny, Franny.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02OK?
0:25:06 > 0:25:11So, no drugs, no brushes with the law and no embarrassing me.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Ha-ha! Woohoo!
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Carpe bloody diem!
0:25:20 > 0:25:22# Break another little bit of my heart now, darling
0:25:22 > 0:25:24# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
0:25:24 > 0:25:30# Have another little piece of my heart now, baby
0:25:30 > 0:25:36# You know you got it, child If it makes you feel good. #