0:00:03 > 0:00:04APPLAUSE
0:00:04 > 0:00:06Be ready.
0:00:06 > 0:00:11This programme contains some strong language
0:00:11 > 0:00:13A COMPERE SPEAKS, INDISTINCT
0:00:16 > 0:00:18APPLAUSE
0:00:18 > 0:00:20ENTRANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Whee!
0:00:23 > 0:00:25CROWD GASPS, WOLF WHISTLES
0:00:25 > 0:00:27MIM LAUGHS
0:00:27 > 0:00:28CHEERING
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Go, go, go!
0:00:33 > 0:00:34Did it!
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Did it!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Well, I always wanted to do that.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Streak at a major sporting event.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43It was Crufts, Mum.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45And they loved it!
0:01:04 > 0:01:07MIM SINGS THE WEDDING MARCH
0:01:07 > 0:01:11- Why are you so excited? - Because this is a special occasion.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13But you don't believe in marriage.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15No, I'm a bird of paradise,
0:01:15 > 0:01:18not to be caged by the tricks and traps of convention.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Or responsibility.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23But other people's weddings can be life-affirming.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Free food, free booze.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Free lovin'. If you're lucky.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31- Maybe we should just send apologies. - No, dear.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Oh, you're such a foji.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35It's fogey. And since when does...
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Fo-JI.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39A fearer of joining in.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40But, Mum...
0:01:40 > 0:01:45But, Franny - this is probably the last wedding I shall ever go to.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49At this rate, I'll be going down the aisle before you - in a wooden box.
0:01:54 > 0:01:59- Mum, are you going to tell Pat that you're, you know, dying...- No!
0:01:59 > 0:02:01And you mustn't either.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04It's Gemma's wedding, it's not about me.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06That's...
0:02:07 > 0:02:09That's really very noble of you, Mum.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15You know how Pat likes everything to be just so?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Perfect, ordered, calm.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20That's why she needs me here. DOORBELL
0:02:20 > 0:02:22I'm going to raise hell.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Get stuffing.
0:02:31 > 0:02:3412 to a bag, no more, no less.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Pat...
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Oh.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47This seam isn't straight, Val.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50I think you are going to have to do it again.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55We're building the fairytale, ladies.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57One favour bag at a time.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Sounds like a busy night, Pat.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Night? This is a culmination of months,
0:03:03 > 0:03:08dare I say, a lifetime's work for Gemma's special day.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Yes, it's exhausting, but what mother wouldn't dedicate herself to
0:03:11 > 0:03:14her only daughter's happiness?
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Everyone said yes.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17We got all the Rotary.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18And the CB.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Lots of pressies, then.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Oh, we don't think about that.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- What did you get? - Unusual to request a loo seat.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27It's mahogany.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Oh, Fran, I meant to ask you about your little promotion.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33I'm taking some time off work, actually.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Spending it with Mum.
0:03:36 > 0:03:41- Really?- I told you about my bucket list on my birthday, Pat.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Did you?
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Every brain cell is just filled with wedding, I'm afraid.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49We're going to swim with sharks...
0:03:49 > 0:03:51and ride a Harley down Route 66.
0:03:51 > 0:03:56- How's that for mother/daughter bonding?- Sounds very lively.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58I took Gemma for high tea at the Ritz.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Aw, I'd love to do that, Mum.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- Tea at the Ritz?- I'm barred.
0:04:04 > 0:04:09Well, with all your plans, I'm surprised you made the detour.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Oh, there's plenty I can do with my bucket at a wedding.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14PHONE RINGS
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Oh, caterers. Hello?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Are you chewing?
0:04:18 > 0:04:22I tell you, if one of my amuse-bouches is missing,
0:04:22 > 0:04:23there will be merry hell.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27And don't forget, mine's a halal meal, Pat.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32OK, what are you planning?
0:04:32 > 0:04:33"Raise hell"?
0:04:33 > 0:04:36"Plenty I can do at a wedding with my bucket"?
0:04:36 > 0:04:37What is on your list, exactly?
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Well now, when the vicar asks if there's any known impediment...
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Don't.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45I'm not really going to stop the wedding.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47I'm waiting for the reception.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50A roomful of tables, seating the great and good.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Whatever it is, don't do it.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I'm a little out of practice,
0:04:55 > 0:04:58but it's all in the wrist action and the sudden surprise!
0:04:58 > 0:04:59Crisis averted.
0:04:59 > 0:05:0328lb of smoked salmon, liberated from the backup freezer.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Phew!
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Oh, this sounds good - whale humping in Iceland.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11Did I tell you?
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Fiance Paul has booked a most magnificent honeymoon.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17European tour.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Ooh.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Five-star.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25I'd love to do that, tour Europe.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Or a surgical safari in South Africa.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31Stroke a giraffe and have your bozzies hoicked.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32Two for the price of one.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39There you are, Pat.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Oh!
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- I think you've earned a little drink.- Ooh!
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Not you, Mim. Finish your favours.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Go on, go and join the girls in the kitchen.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53- Oh, no, I'm fine here, I can help... - No.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Don't be shy.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59Come on, I'm sure they'll all be very glad to see you.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Hey...aw!
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- We thought you were the stripper! - Fran!
0:06:08 > 0:06:10You haven't met Brona and Beth.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13This is Fran, she's my second cousin.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14She's, like, the olden days.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- I think she means I LIKE the olden days.- Aw!
0:06:17 > 0:06:21- It's kind of both, though, isn't it? - Well, have a shot to catch up.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24To Gemma's last night of freedom.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Bottoms up!
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Seriously, though, Gem,
0:06:30 > 0:06:33you do not want to get pregnant for at least a year.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Life over.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Hit me.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38But you do love your kids, though, right?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- Oh, GOD I love my kids! - They're my whole world, they mean everything to me!
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- I would kill for my kids, kill for them.- Kill, kill!
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- How are you doing, Gemma? Nervous? - Yes.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52But my mum got me this book.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Time for games to relax you.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Drinking games.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58To relax you more.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Right, I have never...?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Had...
0:07:03 > 0:07:04a...
0:07:04 > 0:07:06foursome. Drink!
0:07:10 > 0:07:11BETH AND BRONA CACKLE
0:07:11 > 0:07:14But it's my party trick.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16I whip everything off in one go.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17Put it down.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Nobody's interested.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Well, your husband might be.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24He was always excited by what I could tug.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Where is he, anyway?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Over the road.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33The menfolk are staying in another house tonight.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Shame.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37He'd have liked this.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41I know what you're trying to do, but I shall not be riled.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Now.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46Ribbons.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Bags.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Tie!
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Psst, Val!
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Look!
0:08:04 > 0:08:06SHE GIGGLES
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Look!
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Whoo!
0:08:14 > 0:08:17What, you've never had sex in a mill?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Wait, you haven't touched your shots all game.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22OMG, Fran.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23Have you never...?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25THEY GASP
0:08:25 > 0:08:26Oh...!
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Get it out, laugh, judge,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30you can't say anything my mother hasn't already.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33That is actually...
0:08:33 > 0:08:35awesome.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37You must be a special soul, Fran.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I wish I'd waited.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41I could be living the dream now.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Curating my own gallery in Denmark.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Instead I define myself by my sexuality.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51It's a precious, sacred part of you.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53I thought you just lost it if you rode a horse?
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Integrity.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Self-respect.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Mind, body...
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- BOTH:- ..impenetrable cocoon.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05That was the title of her A-level art piece.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- I mean, it's not that I don't want to...- No, no, no.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12No. You will know when the time is right.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- Don't waste it.- No.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Don't give it away.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Because they'll take it for granted
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- and then they'll ruin it.- Ruin.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Ruin it.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25You guys slept with your husbands before you got married, though, right?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- Oh, first date. - Yeah, straightaway, yeah.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32But here is to Franny, true to her fucking self!
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Love it.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Thanks, guys, but it's Gemma's day.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39TEXT MESSAGE
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Get your coats, girls, the taxi's here.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44I say taxi, it's just Jim in his Prius.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Dick. Come on.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Bye, Auntie Pat!
0:09:58 > 0:10:00You help yourselves to breakfast, girls.
0:10:00 > 0:10:05I have a skin-tight schedule to fit in.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06Fran, please?
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Oh, very strong spreadsheet work here, Pat.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13- Yes, well, you fail to plan... - And you plan to fail.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15That's what I always say.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16It's Gemma's day.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18There is no time for unknown unknowns.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Ah. Where IS my mum?
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Ugh.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25In disgrace.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30She tried to break into the men's house last night.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Cat flap wasn't big enough, fortunately.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37I apologise for everything my mother has done.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38And might do.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Oh, there's no need, Fran.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44There are no problems today.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Well, they're lovely.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- I wanted a splash of red. - Where's Dad?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Out of the way. He's doing nine holes with the vicar.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- Fran, would you?- Whoa!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- What's in this, weights?- Yes.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Gemma's wearing a strapless, we've been toning for weeks.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Show Fran.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07- ALL:- Ooh.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12You've really thought of everything.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16And you're all so...functional.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Who knows, maybe if you'd been my mum, Pat,
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I'D be the head of HR and getting married now.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Well, well, well, this IS cosy.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27I heard you.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31So, Perfect Pat can flip a kipper and sew a napkin,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33but can she do this?
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Ta-da!
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Oh. What am I getting wrong?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43What are you doing?!
0:11:43 > 0:11:45This is my party trick.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Obviously needs some work!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49You can't upset me.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52You can't upset me. It's Gemma's day.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53Gemma's day.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- CHAMPAGNE POPS - Wahey!
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Bubbles for the Princess.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Well, it's five o'clock somewhere, right?
0:12:03 > 0:12:06I don't really want this.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08It's a statement look.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09Extensions?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Still in the trouser press.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Franster, can you carry on with the tanning?
0:12:23 > 0:12:27I must say, Gem, I wasn't expecting to enjoy any of this.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30But last night was so much fun.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Such a great big day ahead!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35And it doesn't end there, does it?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38With your amazing European honeymoon.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42All those historic sites and monuments...
0:12:42 > 0:12:44SHE WAILS
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Oh, shit, Gemma, what is it?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51I don't want to do it!
0:12:51 > 0:12:55Erm... Shall I get your mum?
0:12:55 > 0:12:56No!
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- You've got to help me, Fran!- Me?!
0:12:59 > 0:13:02What about your fiance, Paul?
0:13:02 > 0:13:06- Maybe you should talk to him? - No, it's bad luck.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Fran, you've got to help me.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Please.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Pat, who am I sitting with?
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- I can't seem to find my name.- No?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Well, that's because it's not there.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25What?
0:13:25 > 0:13:29Didn't you read your invitation? You're coming to the evening do.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Evening do?!
0:13:33 > 0:13:35That's right.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Don't you finger my fascinator and say, "That's right."
0:13:39 > 0:13:41It's all been arranged.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43You made us stuff favours.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Yes, you're family.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48But I have some very important people coming today.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50So that's why you've been un-rile-able.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Smug you had me relegated to the evening do.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Well...
0:13:57 > 0:14:00And that is precisely what I wanted to avoid.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- A scene.- Scene?!
0:14:02 > 0:14:06- I'm the life and soul! - You are a liability.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08After the way you behaved at my wedding,
0:14:08 > 0:14:10we had to disinfect the dance floor.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12You put me in the corner.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14No-one puts Mim in the corner!
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Oh-ho, you're jealous!
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Jealous? Of this fairytale bullshit?
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Of my perfect life and family compared with your car crash!
0:14:26 > 0:14:29It's Fran I feel sorry for.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33Well, just as well that poor creature will never marry.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Who would walk her down the aisle? Eh, Mim?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38I was a single mother!
0:14:38 > 0:14:40And that is no-one's fault but your own.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46SHE POURS WINE
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Is...everything OK?
0:14:48 > 0:14:49Everything's fine.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Except your face.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59Pat...
0:15:00 > 0:15:02We might have a bit of a problem.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Here.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- And if that doesn't work, try Swarfega.- Mm...
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Er, it's Gemma.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12She's a bit upset.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14I have a cake to box up.
0:15:14 > 0:15:19- Well, I think, maybe, she doesn't want to go through with this?- Oh!
0:15:19 > 0:15:23- Too late for that now.- But can't you do something?- Something?!
0:15:23 > 0:15:25I have done everything, everything!
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Everything is planned and perfect.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29- Do you understand?- Yes, but...
0:15:29 > 0:15:32If you think I am going to waste ten gallons of parfait and turn away
0:15:32 > 0:15:36the county's finest because Gemma's changed her mind and
0:15:36 > 0:15:39feels a bit upset, you are wrong!
0:15:39 > 0:15:41This is my day!
0:15:52 > 0:15:54I was having such a good time.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Gone to shit now.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Humiliating.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Evening do!
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Doesn't seem right that Gemma's so unhappy.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07Well, I'm unhappy. Missing out on the perfect occasion.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11Oh, come on, Mum. You said you don't believe in this fairytale bullshit.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Well, no.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16You want a happy ending, go get a massage.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18I'm taking this.
0:16:18 > 0:16:23Poor Gemma. I think she's been dreading this wedding for ages.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25I wish we could do something.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Maybe I can make one bucket dream out of this shipwreck. Look.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35"Stop a wedding with an impediment"? Well, that's quite a big thing.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37I'm dying!
0:16:37 > 0:16:38I WANT to do big things.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Look, maybe I didn't give you domestic bliss,
0:16:43 > 0:16:46but I gave you freedom, didn't I?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49So don't deny it to Gemma now.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Come on, Franny, please.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Get us to the church in time to ruin everything!
0:16:54 > 0:16:57MUSIC: Rebel Rock Me by The Pretenders
0:17:11 > 0:17:13ENGINE DIES
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Is it not working?
0:17:19 > 0:17:20Christ!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- What am I meant to do? - Well, go and find somebody.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29- You mean I'VE got to stop Gemma's wedding?- I do mean that. Go on, get...
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Yes... What am I going to do? I'm going to get out.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Go and do it!
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Christ.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42SHE GROANS
0:17:44 > 0:17:45Ugh!
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Why didn't you go on?
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Because I don't know where the fuck I'm going.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Well, that's just defeatist.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08No focus.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13It's too late.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16Oh, well.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18"Oh, well"?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Didn't you always say marriage was a life sentence?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24She only needs to serve half of it, and then she'll get the duplex.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34You know, I heard what Pat said.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39She has no right to judge you, she's the monster.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41And you know what?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- What?- I get it, Mum.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45You never married,
0:18:45 > 0:18:47you don't believe in the tricks and traps of convention.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Well, fair enough.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52That wasn't why.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56I never married because of you.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58What?
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Oh, I had offers.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03Everyone from Cliff Richard to the Aga Khan.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06But it wouldn't have been right with you here.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08No.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11You are my longest relationship, dear.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Huh.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Have you ever been in love, Mum?
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Yeah.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22It doesn't last.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Unlike herpes.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31How long did the AA say they'd be?
0:19:33 > 0:19:35I thought YOU were calling them.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46See, I don't give a fuck about appearances.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48That's lucky.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- You know, we're not all that different, you and I.- Oh, really?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Well, I'm not a pedantic virgin.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58And I don't wear my bra on my head.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02- We are true to ourselves.- Yeah.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03So don't worry, Franny.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07It'll happen for you.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Love or herpes?
0:20:09 > 0:20:11It's never too late for either.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14What I'm saying is, I get it too.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16You are who you are.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21VAN PULLS UP
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Ah.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34DOOR OPENS
0:20:34 > 0:20:36MIM GIGGLES Hi!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40And I am who I am!
0:20:43 > 0:20:46MUSIC: Kisses Of Fire by ABBA
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Oh, bollocks!
0:21:07 > 0:21:09We missed the buffet!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14What's wrong with Pat?
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Hmm.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Pat?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Oh, you made it, then.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26It went perfectly, of course. All of it.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28I'm glad.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29Just as planned.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33My life's work.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34It's done.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38She's married.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39So why the misery mouth?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44What am I supposed to do now?
0:21:49 > 0:21:53If you'd been a liability and fucked your daughter up,
0:21:53 > 0:21:56like me, you'd have a companion for life.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59My life is over.
0:21:59 > 0:22:00Oh, I don't know.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Why not start nagging for grandchildren?
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Grandchildren?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Start calling on the honeymoon.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Yes.
0:22:13 > 0:22:18Yes, I could download an ovulation app.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Time my calls precisely.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25GEMMA: Fran!
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Whoa!
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Is that why you've never...?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- Oh, no, this is your fake tan.- Oh!
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Sorry.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36But, you know, it's fine, whatever,
0:22:36 > 0:22:40because Paul and I have decided to be very open-minded.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41No, really, I'm not...
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- I really need to thank you, Fran. - Thank me?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- We nearly stopped your whole...- Yes.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51You told me to talk to my fiance, Paul.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Sorry, husband!
0:22:53 > 0:22:55I'm married!
0:22:55 > 0:22:56Whoo!
0:22:56 > 0:23:01But I took your advice and I told him how unhappy I was.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03But, Gem, if you're unhappy...
0:23:03 > 0:23:05- About the honeymoon!- What?
0:23:05 > 0:23:09Just couldn't do it, a boring trip around Europe, I was dreading it.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12I hate old things.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14- No offence.- None taken.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Now we're going on a two-week all-in to the Maldives.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Like NORMAL people.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Whoohoo!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Congratulations, Gem, I'm very happy for you.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Wait, I want to give you something.
0:23:28 > 0:23:29Just let me get rid of this.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Fuck these weights, right?
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Oi!
0:23:32 > 0:23:34All the single ladies!
0:23:34 > 0:23:37That's bouquet time! Form an orderly queue.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41Come on, come on, Franny, we saved this bit for you.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47- Franny, are you ready? - Come on, get your arms up!
0:23:47 > 0:23:48Never too late!
0:23:51 > 0:23:52Not her!
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Oh!
0:23:59 > 0:24:00CROWD GASPS
0:24:02 > 0:24:03She's down!
0:24:07 > 0:24:08She's a sprayer.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09Mum?!
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- SOBBING:- By dose!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23It's only just paid for.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Aw, easy now, Auntie Pat.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Head back.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33- Clear the way, people.- I'm drowning.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35- Such a shame.- I'm drowning!
0:24:37 > 0:24:39MUSIC: Don't Get Me Wrong by The Pretenders
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- For you.- What?
0:24:51 > 0:24:52SHE GASPS
0:24:52 > 0:24:54The Europe trip?
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Wow!
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Gemma, I don't know what to say.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Thank you.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02You'll appreciate it, right?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Paris, Venice...
0:25:05 > 0:25:06Who you going to take?
0:25:08 > 0:25:09My mum.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Aw! Yeah, of course.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34I did it!
0:25:36 > 0:25:38- I did it!- Did what?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40My tablecloth trick!
0:25:40 > 0:25:41Yeah.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Now, Mum, look, a grand tour of Europe.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48- That's something real for the bucket list, huh?- But I did it!
0:25:48 > 0:25:52- Just because no-one saw it, doesn't mean it didn't happen.- OK, Mum.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- If you think you did, then... - Right, nothing for it, then.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57I'm going to streak again!