0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains very strong language.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09- Buggering hell!- That's a must-see. I can't find it in the guidebook.
0:00:09 > 0:00:10No, Mum, it's the traffic.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13We've barely moved three inches.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Keep calm, dear.
0:00:15 > 0:00:16Have a biscuit.
0:00:16 > 0:00:17CAR HORNS BLARE
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Caribbean Crumbler.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23What makes it Caribbean?
0:00:23 > 0:00:25A dash of rum and some desecrated coconut.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28You mean desiccated.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31- No.- Ugh!
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Still, the end justifies the means.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37French Revolution, Mum.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39I'll give you the full lecture in Paris.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41I'm glad you're excited, dear.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44I really am. A grand tour.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Prepaid. The empires, the art,
0:00:48 > 0:00:51the big questions of Europe then and now.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Yes. Do we still get duty-free?
0:00:54 > 0:00:58I think it's going to be something really special to remember.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02Because I know you don't want to talk about it, but...
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- What?- The C word.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08- I've never had a problem talking cun...- The other one, Mum.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11Cancer.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Why? Who's got cancer?
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Mum!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Rollmop?
0:01:27 > 0:01:34This programme contains very strong language
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Frannie, what's the matter?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54You're surprised, upset, confused?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56How many syllables? What does it rhyme with?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Oh, you're angry.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- FRAN GRUNTS - Sit there.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05I'll go and put the kettle on.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08FRAN BREATHES LOUDLY THROUGH HER NOSE
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Here, eat your feelings, dear.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Look...
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Perhaps I shouldn't have let you run away with that detail.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21We're in post-factual times.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24And it was hard getting a word in edgeways with you fan-splaining...
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- FRAN CONTINUES SQUASHING CAKES - ..every Saxon settlement.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29- Ha!- I just wanted to spend time with you, Frannie.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Didn't you say that the end justifies the means?
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Don't you DARE use history against me!
0:02:37 > 0:02:39But it was against us!
0:02:39 > 0:02:40I was trying to fix it.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- That's all.- That's all?!
0:02:42 > 0:02:45We were just starting to enjoy it.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46And each other.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49And we still can. Look.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51Unbelievable!
0:02:54 > 0:02:56There is a silver lining to all this, you know.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I am not dying.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Frannie. You're part of me.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Here we go. You always say that.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Well, look where it's got me.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11I didn't have the life I thought I would either.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14The things I missed out on...
0:03:14 > 0:03:16You don't get sympathy.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18You lied.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19So what?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23That's what we do when things are difficult,
0:03:23 > 0:03:25when they're hard and painful.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29This whole trip has been about pretending you weren't a shit mum.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31That's the truth.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Well, here's some truth for you.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37You WERE too fat for the ballet club.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39The cat DIDN'T move to Brighton...
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Time to go.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- Frannie!- No!
0:03:43 > 0:03:47The things you say and do have consequences, Mum.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50So, cancer isn't going to kill you,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52but I just might.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54What are you saying?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56I'm saying, congratulations.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58You've got your life back.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00I'm going to get mine.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07DOOR SLAMS
0:04:09 > 0:04:10SHE SIGHS
0:04:19 > 0:04:22We had to cover your absence with a supply teacher.
0:04:22 > 0:04:27- It was half term.- It was, but then you didn't come back for five weeks.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Could we call it a sabbatical?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32I know you've had some personal issues.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Don't worry about the postcard.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35I intercepted it.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Some rather strong words to the Chair of the Governors.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39SHE GASPS
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Oh, Mum!
0:04:42 > 0:04:44I am sorry you didn't get the promotion.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46How is the new Head of Department?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48He's very good. Yes.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Very good.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Very hands on with the Sixth Form.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Great(!)
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Now, Fran...
0:04:56 > 0:04:58..I have always liked you.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- You have?- I've always felt we had a connection.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Me, geography, you, history.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04The humanities.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Now that you don't work here any more, Fran...
0:05:08 > 0:05:10..would you like to mudlark with me?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- I beg your pardon? - We could go for dinner.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Who knows?
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Uh... I shall have to think about that one, Sir.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- Nigel.- Sir Nigel.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25There's been a lot to take in.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- At home.- Yes, of course.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- Here.- No pressure.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33And, em, I have to find a job.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36You could always tutor for a bit.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43OK. That's enough for today, I think.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Yeah. Right.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48MOBILE PHONE BLEEPS
0:05:51 > 0:05:54# Hurts to be around you... #
0:05:54 > 0:05:55Nope!
0:05:55 > 0:05:57# I can't stand you lying... #
0:05:59 > 0:06:04Frannie, I'm doing your favourite - moussaka, no mince,
0:06:04 > 0:06:06I'm going to dice up a quail.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08And life's too short for bechamel.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12I'm using Delia's cheat recipe, and I know you love ready-made custard.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16I'm making enough for two.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18LINE CUTS OUT
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Oh, bum!
0:06:21 > 0:06:22Answering machines.
0:06:24 > 0:06:31# What is it you think I need?
0:06:31 > 0:06:37# Everything, it's not true
0:06:37 > 0:06:39# Give it all up for you... #
0:06:39 > 0:06:42I've been to some terrible places in my time.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45But being sent to Coventry is the worst.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48OK, so I told her I was dying.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Technically, we all are.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53Big deal!
0:06:56 > 0:07:00You fancy coming to Norfolk with me to catch crabs?
0:07:13 > 0:07:19# Lord, please, follow me home
0:07:19 > 0:07:24# Cos I'm down on my knees and I feel alone
0:07:26 > 0:07:29# Home
0:07:29 > 0:07:32# Got nowhere to call home... #
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Frannie?
0:07:36 > 0:07:40# No-one to call home
0:07:52 > 0:07:58# When I'm out on the town, I get what I need
0:07:58 > 0:08:06# No-one waiting around for this tumbleweed at home
0:08:09 > 0:08:13# Got nowhere to call home
0:08:15 > 0:08:19# No-one to call me home... #
0:08:51 > 0:08:55Well, I guess it's just you and me now.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Right.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09I think Hitler's foreign policy was possibly more than "a wind-up".
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- We'll put "crumb" then, innit?- What?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:09:15 > 0:09:17That is your ringtone?! Tradge!
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Just focus on the essay, please.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23For real, is that your phone?
0:09:23 > 0:09:24I had that when I was in year three.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27It's perfectly functional, thank you.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30I just haven't upgraded the operating thingy.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32Do you...?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36This is some jank kit, man.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Password?
0:09:39 > 0:09:44Like I want to read your phone, Miss. You've got nothing I ain't.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Except for, like, a million missed calls.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Oh, from my mother.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Can you block her?
0:09:49 > 0:09:50But it ain't her ringing you.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- It's a Mr Merdon. - Just, give that back.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Are you blue-balling him?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Just get on with your work.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Hold the goddess pose.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Breathing deeply down into the pelvic chakra.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Before moving on to the heart.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Now, gently into your uttanasana.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22- What?- The uttanasana.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Bend forward, feel yourself unblocking.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31MIM BREAKS WIND
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Fran?
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Fran!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16I didn't know you were so fast on your feet.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Only short bursts.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19Sorry.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I really couldn't wait to speak to you.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Listen, Mr Merdon.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24- Nigel.- Merdon.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Maybe I could potentially like you, you're so tenacious.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31No, Fran, there's a situation at school.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Oh.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35- What?- You remember the new appointment I told you about,
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- that got the promotion? - Oh, yeah, "very hands-on".
0:11:38 > 0:11:41A little too hands-on, as it turns out.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43He's run off to Belgium, with a sixth former.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- The job is yours.- When can I start?
0:11:57 > 0:12:02Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05And even those who can obsessively remember every detail
0:12:05 > 0:12:08from a misspelled birthday card in 1987
0:12:08 > 0:12:13to a jibe about facial hair in 2017 are doomed to
0:12:13 > 0:12:18relive it until they understand it.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Yes, history will set you free.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40I've finally done it.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Sounds like it. I got your distress calls.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Oh, Pat. I've been at my wits' end.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Well, luckily I am not reading this month's book club choice
0:12:49 > 0:12:50on principle.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55So I am free to come along and hear exactly what you've done wrong now.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57I'll just get my hat.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Hat? No, no!
0:13:00 > 0:13:04We do this at my country club. The dress code is very specific.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06But it's a Robin Hood fun day.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Off!
0:13:10 > 0:13:13That was a bloody stupid thing to say.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16So how can I make things right with her?
0:13:16 > 0:13:17What would you do?
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Gemma and I have hardly had a cross word.
0:13:21 > 0:13:26Let alone a set-to about a faked terminal illness.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28I tried to keep things going.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Carpe diem.
0:13:30 > 0:13:35I even tried yoga to have my chakras re-pointed.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39But right in the middle of it I was gripped by this terrible pain.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Probably indigestion.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44My Ronnie has been a martyr to reflux for years.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45That's why I put him in the guest room.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47But it didn't go, Pat.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50And ever since I've had this dreadful guilt hanging
0:13:50 > 0:13:52about my solar plexus.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Well, at least you're being honest now.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Not about everything.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00What else have you stolen from my house?
0:14:01 > 0:14:05- Nothing.- Mim, why did you take that?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Because it's the one thing that I always meant to tell her.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13What can you tell her now, after all this time?
0:14:13 > 0:14:14- But maybe...- But nothing.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17My advice to you is the same as it was in 1981.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Don't crash the royal wedding in a white bikini?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Oh, don't be obtuse, Mim.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25You didn't listen to me then, please listen to me now.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Leave well alone.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42# What do you say?
0:14:42 > 0:14:46# Is this the time?
0:14:46 > 0:14:50# For one more try... #
0:14:50 > 0:14:55Softly, softly, catchy monkey.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58# What do you say?
0:14:58 > 0:15:02# Is this unwise?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05# To think my fears... #
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Any plans for the weekend?
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Sleep, marking, more sleep.
0:15:13 > 0:15:18Yes, well, as we say in headship, the first terms are the worst.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23- Gallows humour. Fran?- Yes?- Frannie!
0:15:26 > 0:15:28What are you doing here?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30You don't answer the phone.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- You don't reply to my e-mails. - Well, luckily I was hacked,
0:15:33 > 0:15:35and had to reset my password to something I cannot remember.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I had to see you, Frannie.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Look, I don't have time for this, Mum.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42I'm very busy now I'm Head of Department.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44I'm very happy for you, if you are.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Of course I'm happy.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Is that why you're here, to ruin it all again?
0:15:49 > 0:15:53No! Do whatever boring job you want, Frannie.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Please. I just need you to understand something.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58I've only just come to understand it myself.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00You're a liar and a narcissist?
0:16:02 > 0:16:06The whole trip I was trying to tell you a truth.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09I was. But I didn't have much to give you.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11A bit like my tenth birthday, then?
0:16:11 > 0:16:14What did I want? A world atlas.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15What did I get?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18The Kama Sutra in Braille.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20You were always such a prude.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Oh!
0:16:23 > 0:16:24I don't feel good.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27I think we've done that one.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Look, I know you hate me right now.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33But I bring this out of love.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37- I have in my hand a piece of paper...- Oh, don't!
0:16:37 > 0:16:40And Chamberlain said, "I hold in my hand," so get it right.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43I just want peace, Fra...
0:16:45 > 0:16:47SHE COLLAPSES
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Are you really doing this?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53You're so embarrassing!
0:16:53 > 0:16:55I'm walking, Mum.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- Fran!- No, leave her.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00She is fine.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01SHE MOANS
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Hi.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Now, as you know, I can't tutor you any more.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17- Gutted.- Likewise.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19But one last thing.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22I don't know what you did to my phone, but it's gone weird.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24It doesn't ring or play messages.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Or, like, you had it on silent.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- MR MERDON:- 'Hi, Fran, please, call as soon as you can, please.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37'It's your mother. We had to call an ambulance.'
0:17:37 > 0:17:39And...delete.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40That is cold, man.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43You really don't know the half of it.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44Which reminds me.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Your history essay.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50I just don't get it.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53The Cold War, two superpowers,
0:17:53 > 0:17:56each fearing the other was intent on domination.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Brought to the brink of mutual destruction by decades of mistrust
0:18:00 > 0:18:02and misunderstanding.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03They should have just got on the blower.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Well, there was a hotline. Telex machine, really. But...
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Yes, fine.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Hello...
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Fran.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- Where is she?- She was in there.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Oh.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Oh! I didn't hate you.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Not really.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59I loved you.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04I'm very glad to hear it.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- Mum!- I told you I was ill.
0:19:07 > 0:19:12What? Have you somehow suddenly got cancer just to prove a point?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14No, it's nothing like that.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17What your mother has is a chronic case of life.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20With added diabetes, cholesterol and high blood pressure.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- I see.- Good.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Because she's not in the best of shape.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Not getting any younger
0:19:27 > 0:19:31and when trying to do too much on her...own...
0:19:33 > 0:19:34Well, she stopped speaking to me.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Something's got to give.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- Well, how long has she got? - There's no need to panic.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42But I will say this.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46If there are things you want to do -
0:19:46 > 0:19:47do them.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Frannie...
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Yes, Mum?
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Can I have a biscuit?
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Where's my biscuit?
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Mum, you heard what the doctor said.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Yeah, yeah, high this, low that.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20No, the other bit.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22- I'm dying?- Yes.
0:20:22 > 0:20:27- We all are.- Well, what the fuck are we going to do about it?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Come on. Let's get out of here.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- My bucket?- Your bucket.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54OK, let's do this.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Bags, check. Passports, check.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Foul smelling Tupperware, check.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Mum, check.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04You, me and the open road.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Where next, right?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- Frannie...- Yeah?
0:21:10 > 0:21:13You know I said there was something I wanted to tell you.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- Yeah.- Well, I collapsed, and you left me for dead.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Why have you brought that photo of Gemma and the bunny man?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25It's not Gemma.
0:21:26 > 0:21:27It's you.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30And your father.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34You said he died before I was born.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36It was easier.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39I was a single mum, it was the '80s.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41It seemed like a good idea at the time.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43That's what you said about Betamax, Mum.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44This is my father.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47I know. But it was complicated.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50He was a little bit unreliable.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52A little married.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Actually, he was rather little.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59You said you barely knew him.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02He had the delicate touch of a librarian.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Fingering me like a rare manuscript in his little white gloves.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09You said he came and went.
0:22:09 > 0:22:14Well, that bit's true. He never lingered post-coitally.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16I met him then?
0:22:16 > 0:22:17Once or twice, yes.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20So what happened?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24I told him it was all or nothing.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27And he broke my heart.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31I'm sorry.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33You only tore my perineum, dear.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36And so what? He took off?
0:22:36 > 0:22:41We lost touch. Easy to disappear before the internet.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44So there was nothing to tell me.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Well, not back then...
0:22:47 > 0:22:48Fair enough, I guess.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50And ultimately, so what?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Never knew him. Never missed him.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57But thanks, Mum.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59I get why you're telling me now.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- You do? - It's the last truth, isn't it?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Well, I'm not sure.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel, but that's just it.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I have got to figure this shit out.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Blank slate. No issues. Off we go.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17ENGINE REVS So, come on.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Northern lights? Las Vegas?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Bareback llama wrestling at Machu bloody Picchu?
0:23:25 > 0:23:27That sounds good.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29And we can do it all on the way.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31What? Way to where?
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Your father.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37I think I know where he is.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40# Never let me go, never let me go
0:23:40 > 0:23:47# And the arms of the ocean are carrying me
0:23:47 > 0:23:53# And all this devotion was rushing out of me
0:23:53 > 0:24:00# And the crashes are heaven for a sinner like me
0:24:00 > 0:24:05# But the arms of the ocean delivered me. #