0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15- Scott, come on in. - I've nae time man.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Remember last week when you couldnae make it oot for ma birthday?
0:00:18 > 0:00:21Aye. Aye. Sorry I couldnae make it, man.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24It's all right. Mind you phoned me when I was in the pub
0:00:24 > 0:00:27and you said happy birthday and have a round on me.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Eh, aye, aye.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Well, em, the round came tae...
0:00:33 > 0:00:34..£23.75.
0:00:38 > 0:00:43- Right... You sure I didn't say have a drink on me or...- No.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47- ..or have one on me? - No. "Have a round on me" you said.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50I remember cos we weren't doing rounds
0:00:50 > 0:00:54then you phoned and we switched over to rounds for that one round.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58£23.75.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04- Right that's thirty. You got change?- No.- Right.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Listen I'm no bothered about giving you the money, Scott, right,
0:01:08 > 0:01:12but sometimes somebody would say something, as a figure of speech,
0:01:12 > 0:01:15and you just wouldnae call them on it, you just wouldnae do it.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Nae idea what you're talking about, Peter.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25My name's James Jumpstyle, of Jumpstyle Beds And Chairs,
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Burnistoun's only Jumpstyle Furniture Store!
0:01:28 > 0:01:31You better get down here for our Spring Sale quickstyle.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Or should that be...Jumpstyle.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38DANCE MUSIC
0:01:44 > 0:01:46My Jumpstyle staff will sort you out
0:01:46 > 0:01:50with all your furniture needs Jumpstyle!
0:01:57 > 0:02:01And what kind of bedside cabinet was it you were after, madam?
0:02:05 > 0:02:11Jumpstyle Beds And Chairs! Come on down and shop in style!
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Shop in Jumpstyle!
0:02:18 > 0:02:22- I heard old Biscuity Boyle was down there an' all.- Aye, aye.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25He got stuck in the revolving door and his troosers fell down.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Poor old bugger.
0:02:27 > 0:02:32Ahh! Ya couple of bent shots, man!
0:02:32 > 0:02:38- Wee tadgers.- Hey! Don't dingy us, ya pair of rent boys, man!
0:02:38 > 0:02:43- Keep walking, Gordo. - Youse are gettin' knifed, man!
0:03:14 > 0:03:19Try to imagine throwing a two litre bottle of ginger over 150 metres,
0:03:19 > 0:03:23and landing it dead centre on a target.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25That target being a rocket's napper.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29That's exactly what my next guest did, Gordon Belford.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31- Gordon, hello.- Hello, Sarah.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35So, what's the script with this ginger throwing thing, then?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Me and my mate Jamie were just oot gettin' some swadgers,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41on the way back these wee guys started giving us a bit of snash.
0:03:41 > 0:03:46- What kind of snash? - Just kinda calling us bent shots and rent boys and that.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Then one of the wee skelpers said that he was pulling a knife,
0:03:50 > 0:03:53so I just flung my bottle of ginger
0:03:53 > 0:03:56and, as fortune had it, I doofted it right off his dome.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Amazing.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01And is it true you're going to be in the Guinness Book of Records?
0:04:01 > 0:04:06Well, apparently I'd have to recreate the throw under Guinness conditions.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Gordon, you have your two litre bottle of ginger.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14The wee fud is in position.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Youse are gettin' knifed, man!
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Gordon. Good luck.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- CHEERING - Woo!
0:04:41 > 0:04:45AMERICAN ACCENT: I heard Biscuity Boyle was doon there an' all.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Aye, he got stuck in the revolving doors and his troosers fell doon.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Poor old bugger.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Ah! Ya couple of bent shots, man.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56- Wee tadgers.- Hey!
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Don't dingy us, ya rent boys!
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Keep walking, Gordo.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03No, baby.
0:05:03 > 0:05:08Us decent folk don't need to stand for no more of this bullshit, baby.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Youse are gettin' knifed, man!
0:05:19 > 0:05:24Nobody can withstand my two litre bottle of ginger, bitch!
0:05:28 > 0:05:34- You want some, baby?! - You got him, Gordo.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Come on!
0:05:39 > 0:05:43What are you doing, Gordo? You'll never hit them from here!
0:05:45 > 0:05:50Ah, you nugget! You cannae even throw a bottle of ginger, man!
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Yes!
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Davie, your thoughts on today's game.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Well, we've dominated again, but, you know, we havenae scored.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Now, I know the fans'll say we need a top class striker,
0:06:16 > 0:06:19but the reality we've got to face here at Burnistoun United
0:06:19 > 0:06:23is that the Wayne Rooneys of this world willnae come and play in Scotland.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26I'm sure most of them would.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28What do you mean?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31You might not get the one that plays with Manchester United,
0:06:31 > 0:06:35but the other Wayne Rooneys of this world would be delighted to earn twenty grand a week.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39But then again, how many of the Wayne Rooneys of this world,
0:06:39 > 0:06:41bar the one that plays with Man U,
0:06:41 > 0:06:44would actually be good enough to play at this level?
0:06:45 > 0:06:48And how would you decide between all these Wayne Rooneys?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Would you trial them? Thousands of them? I mean, where would they all live?
0:06:51 > 0:06:55Would you have to set up a special Wayne Rooneys village near the training centre?
0:06:59 > 0:07:04Or were you just pluralising the names of football players for absolutely no reason again?
0:07:05 > 0:07:09- I'll tell you something. Don't - BLEEP- ever offer me that again.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18All right? I think I need stitches.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- What happened to you? - I fell doon the stair.- What stair?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- The stair in my hoose.- Where's your hoose?- Blackmount Street.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- How'd you fall?- I tripped. - How'd you trip?- My shoes are too big.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27- How's your shoes too big? - They're no' ma shoes.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- Whose shoes are they?- My da's. - Why's he no wearin' them?- He's dead.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- How'd he die?- He fell down the stair. - How'd he fall down the stair?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- His shoes were too wee.- How's his shoes too wee?- He'd stole them. - Who'd he steal them off?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- Me.- Right. Take a seat.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43Come here a minute.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- What's your name? - What do you need my name for?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- So I can fill out this form. - What's the form for?
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- The doctor.- What's he want it for? - So he disnae need to ask you your name.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- Why does he not want to ask my name?- Cos he cannae be bothered!
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- Why can he no' be bothered? - He disnae care what your name is.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59My name's Ronnie. Ronnie Stokes.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Right, thanks. Sit down.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Come here.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14- Ronnie Stokes?- Aye, Ronnie Stokes.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15My name's Stokes an' all. Barry Stokes.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16Mine's Ronnie Stokes.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- Barry Stokes.- Ronnie Stokes.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- Do you know Carol Stokes? - No. Do you know Davie Stokes?- No.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- Do you know Stevie Stokes? - No. Do you know Barry Stokes?
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- I'm Barry Stokes. - Another Barry Stokes.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- No. Do you know Big Sarah Stokes? - No. Do you know Big Sandy Stokes?
0:08:30 > 0:08:34- No. Do you know Ronnie Stokes? - I'm Ronnie Stokes. - No' you. Another Ronnie Stokes.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- Aye. My da's name was Ronnie Stokes. - Ronnie Stokes fae Bishopton?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- Aye. That was my da.- Aye. That's my da's cousin. Ronnie Stokes.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43- Aye, my da. Ronnie Stokes.- Amazing. How is your da?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45I just told you. He's dead.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- Oh, that's right. How did you say he died again?- He fell doon the stair.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51How did you say he fell doon the stair again?
0:08:51 > 0:08:53- His shoes were too wee. - Oh, that's right.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- And how's your da? - Oh, my da's dead now an' all.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59- How'd he die? - He died in a car crash.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- How'd the crash happen? - He lost control of the motor.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- How did he lose control? - Feet slipped off the pedals.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- How'd that happen?- His shoes were too big.- How come his shoes too big?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- They werenae his shoes. - Whose shoes were they?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- He'd got them off your da. - Where was his own shoes?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13- Somebody stole them.- Who stole them?
0:09:13 > 0:09:14I did, look...
0:09:19 > 0:09:20I've got them on the noo.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- They look wee. - Naw. They're fine.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27I'll just take your form round to the doctor. Take a seat.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Make yourself comfy.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Sort us a wee drink, Jade, and I'll maybe be on my worst behaviour later.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Hmmmmm.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Have you got a cat?
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Aye. I've got a cat. You not a cat person?
0:09:53 > 0:09:57No, it's not that. Listen, I'd better go.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- I'm sorry.- Wait, what is it?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03If you're allergic, I'll put it in the other room.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05No, it's...
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Look, Jade, this might sound mental...
0:10:09 > 0:10:13..but when I was 14 I choked on a bit of pakora.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Right.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17And when I woke up from the coma...
0:10:18 > 0:10:21..I found I could...
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- read cats' memories.- So what?
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- All they do is sleep and eat.- No.
0:10:27 > 0:10:33Look, if we're getting into things and suddenly I get a vision
0:10:33 > 0:10:37of a bird getting slaughtered or a mouse getting tortured, it'll kill the mood.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40It's a house cat. It's never been out.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Don't worry. I'll get you a drink.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09God! My arse is so hairy tonight.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Oh!
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Cheerio.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26And so I've set up office in here and I'm going to run
0:11:26 > 0:11:30as an independent candidate for the Burnistoun West seat.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34People say single issue candidates are never a good thing for politics.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Well, the needless installation of traffic lights
0:11:37 > 0:11:41at that Dekebone roundabout is the single issue around which this whole community has rallied.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44If our MP had dealt with this single issue in the first place,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47there would be no need for me to do this.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48But let's say you win.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52You'll need to think about a whole lot more than the traffic lights at the Dekebone roundabout.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Well, I'll worry about that when I win.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59I cannae believe we've won.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03I was just hoping to make a point, really, but to have actually won
0:12:03 > 0:12:08just shows you the strength of feeling people have towards these needless traffic lights
0:12:08 > 0:12:09at the Dekebone roundabout.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Which it is now my job to have removed.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19I think the police are happy for them to hang around on the spare ground,
0:12:19 > 0:12:21but my house backs on to it
0:12:21 > 0:12:27and this gang are regularly smashing my windows and intimidating me.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Right. And where is your house in relation to the Dekebone roundabout?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33I'm nowhere near the Dekebone roundabout.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35I just told you where I lived.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39Well, is there some way to get these boys onto the Dekebone roundabout?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42What are you talking about?
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Put some alcopops down for them, as bait. Lure them onto it.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48And then maybe I could help you.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Why should they need to be on that roundabout for you to help me?
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Well, I was elected on the Dekebone roundabout issue.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57That's where my focus is.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59That's reality.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I mean nobody was expecting a hung parliament in the first place.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06But for the whole thing to hinge on me was just incredible.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08What did the Prime Minister say to you?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I didnae give him the chance to say anything.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13I just says, "Never mind saving your own backside,
0:13:13 > 0:13:15"what about these traffic lights at the Dekebone roundabout?".
0:13:15 > 0:13:17What did he say?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19He asked me to be the Foreign Secretary.
0:13:24 > 0:13:29Sorry, Mr President, I'm choking on my roll and tottie scone here.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Yes, I know the, the Middle East situation is very complex,
0:13:32 > 0:13:37but I feel we can solve it by taking the same approach as I'm taking to the Dekebone roundabout.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Are you aware of that particular chaos?
0:13:40 > 0:13:45I've come unfeasibly far in British politics and I suppose it's inevitable
0:13:45 > 0:13:48that the thing that got me where I am is the thing that finishes me off.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Is this breaking news?
0:13:51 > 0:13:55On the day I finally get the traffic lights at the Dekebone roundabout removed...
0:13:55 > 0:14:01Billy Carr's daughter was driving round it in her brand new Punto.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04She stopped half way round, expecting a red light.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Force of habit.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Aye. Anyway she took a bit of a bump.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12It caused two hundred pounds' worth of damage.
0:14:14 > 0:14:19So I feel I've no option but to resign as the Prime Minister of Great Britain.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I cannae even fuckin' drive.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39I cannae even drive.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52'Oh, come on, mate. There's a whole row of machines here.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54'Why have you got to pick the one right beside me?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57'Cannae look to my left.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00'Cannae look about. Cannae have our eyes meeting constantly.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02'Just gonnae have to stare straight ahead.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03'Act like I'm focused.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06'Go on one that faces the same was us next time, dickhead.'
0:15:06 > 0:15:09'What's the score with this arsepiece?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11'Acting like he cannae see me when I'm right here.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14'Hello arsepiece! Hello!'
0:15:14 > 0:15:16'He's looking at me.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20- 'You cannae look at a guy you don't know when you're that close.' - 'Arsepiece!'
0:15:20 > 0:15:24'He's fell into my rhythm now as well.'
0:15:24 > 0:15:27'Look at me, arsepiece. I'm your worst nightmare.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31'Ha ha ha! Arsepiece!'
0:15:31 > 0:15:35'I'm gonnae change speed so that I'm going forward as he's going back.'
0:15:35 > 0:15:37'Oh, think you can out-race me?
0:15:37 > 0:15:39'Let's go. Let's do it.'
0:15:39 > 0:15:41'Oh, he thinks I'm racing him.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44'Right, fine, fine you go faster then, mate. Race away.'
0:15:44 > 0:15:47'Oh, conserving energy, is it? Hoping I'm gonnae tire out.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51'You are not more of a man than me, arsepiece.'
0:15:51 > 0:15:54'What's the score with this arsepiece. You fancy me or something, mate?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57'Will we touch tongues as we pass next time?'
0:15:57 > 0:15:59'Check the way he's looking at me.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01'Do you fancy me or something, arsepiece?'
0:16:01 > 0:16:04'I hope it's just you and me when I go into the changing room
0:16:04 > 0:16:07'cos I'm gonnae smack you one in the mouth, arsepiece.'
0:16:07 > 0:16:10'Oh, I hope it's just you and me when I go into the dressing room
0:16:10 > 0:16:13'cos I'm gonnae smack you one in the mouth, arsepiece.'
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- 'Arsepiece.'- 'Arsepiece.'
0:16:15 > 0:16:17BOTH: 'Arsepiece.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19'Arsepiece.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21'Arsepiece.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22'Arsepiece.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24'Arsepiece.'
0:16:24 > 0:16:27All right? I'm Jolly Boy John!
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Jolly Boy John wearing shoes is for real!
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Jolly Boy John wearing his da's shoes is for real!
0:16:37 > 0:16:42Jolly Boy John wearing his da's shoes on his feet and his ma's shoes on his hands is for real.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Jolly Boy John wearing his ma's shoes on his feet and all his da's shoes down his pants
0:16:47 > 0:16:49and shouting squirrels all the time is for real.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Squirrels. Squirrels. Squirrels. Squirrels.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Squirrels. Squirrels. Squirrels. Squirrels.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Squirrels. Squirrels. Squirrels. Squirrels.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02What you're seeing is all for real!
0:17:02 > 0:17:06Do you wish you could be as for real as Jolly Boy John? Get real!
0:17:09 > 0:17:14And now on BBC Burnistoun, award winning Scottish drama The Drugs.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- What's that? - Nothing, Da.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35I swear on my mammy's grave, if you've turned to the drugs...
0:17:39 > 0:17:42I bought you a birthday card, Da...
0:17:43 > 0:17:46It's got a picture of the Virgin Mary on it.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49I'm sorry, son.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Since your mammy died...
0:17:51 > 0:17:53I'll never turn to the drugs, Da.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Swear to me you'll never turn to the drugs.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00I swear to you, I'll never turn to the drugs.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Swear on the Virgin Mary.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03I swear on the Virgin Mary.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Swear on your mammy's grave.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I swear on my mammy's grave.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Swear on the Virgin Mary's mammy's grave.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13I swear on the Virgin Mary's mammy's grave, I'll never turn to the drugs, Da!
0:18:14 > 0:18:18Good. Cos see if you ever do,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I swear on my mammy's grave...
0:18:21 > 0:18:23I'll kill you.
0:18:29 > 0:18:36Jamie! Jamie! I've turned to the drugs, Jamie!
0:18:36 > 0:18:40- Who did this to you?- MacConnor.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44I was working for him, selling the drugs to people that had turned to the drugs.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47And then I turned to the drugs.
0:18:47 > 0:18:53If I don't pay him back, he swore to me on his mammy's grave he's gonnae kill me.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00I can see the Virgin Mary!
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Where are the drugs?
0:19:06 > 0:19:10I swear on my mammy's grave if he's turned to the drugs... I'll...
0:19:13 > 0:19:15No!
0:19:17 > 0:19:20He's turned to the drugs.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Fraser. Fraser!
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Why did you turn to the drugs? Why?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32That's your debt now.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35I'm a gangster
0:19:35 > 0:19:36and that's your debt.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38I swear on my mammy's grave...
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Nae son of mine will be in debt to a drug dealer!
0:19:40 > 0:19:44I'm taking that debt on, and I swear on Fraser's grave...
0:19:44 > 0:19:47You cannae swear on a grave that's no been dug yet. He might get cremated.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Then I swear on my mammy's grave.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51If you try to turn my son to the drugs I'll kill you.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55No, I swear on my mammy's grave I'll kill you.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I swear on my mammy's grave and your mammy's grave.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00All the mammys, all the graves.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Da.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06I'm sorry I ever bought you that card wi' the Virgin Mary on it.
0:20:07 > 0:20:12But don't worry, you'll no have to look at my face for much longer.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14- MacConnor!- No!
0:20:18 > 0:20:20No, Da...
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Da...
0:20:24 > 0:20:29You've got to promise me, son, you promise me you won't ever...
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Promise me you won't ever turn...
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Promise me you won't ever turn to the...
0:20:43 > 0:20:45What was he gonnae say?
0:20:47 > 0:20:51I'll never know... I'll never know...
0:21:24 > 0:21:27We're trying to run an ice cream van here, Walter.
0:21:27 > 0:21:35Shut up. I am filling my paddling pool now anyway because we're at the beach now anyway.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- There's nae room!- Yes, there is! I only need enough room
0:21:38 > 0:21:42for my handies and my feeties and a wee bit of my bare bottom anyway.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44You are not swimming in this ice cream van!
0:21:44 > 0:21:48Well, I wouldn't even have to make a rubbish paddling pool beach
0:21:48 > 0:21:53if you'd let us go on holiday to Blackpool like I wanted to go to Blackpool on holiday anyway!
0:21:53 > 0:21:56There's nae time, Walter. Somebody has got to pay the bills.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00I don't see why I should pay any bills. I'm only 17 years old!
0:22:00 > 0:22:04- Same age as me, Walter.- I was talking about doggy years, you idiot!
0:22:04 > 0:22:07But you are not a doggy!
0:22:07 > 0:22:11I bet you wish I was a doggy, then you can tie me up in your bedroom
0:22:11 > 0:22:14and kiss me like you kiss all the other doggies anyway.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Oh, you are a disgusting, disgusting boy, Walter.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I run a grooming service.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Yes, you're the groom and the doggy is the bride!
0:22:27 > 0:22:30- What can I get for you?- Can I have a packet of salt and vinegar?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33A packet of salty and vinegary crispies! Certainly.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Walter!
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Don't know what you are shouting at me for, I never even done anything!
0:22:42 > 0:22:44You just drenched me!
0:22:44 > 0:22:48It was a wave, you stupid idiot. It was a wave from the beach!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50I'll wave at you in a minute.
0:22:50 > 0:22:55Wave you away on the bus back to the home we got sent to when mammy died!
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Look at my lip!
0:22:59 > 0:23:02You've made my lip sad now anyway talking about that place!
0:23:02 > 0:23:07Well, this is your last chance. You give that wee boy a packet of salty and vinegary crispies! Now!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10I cannae see!
0:23:10 > 0:23:12My lip is shaking too much anyway!
0:23:12 > 0:23:16I just want to go and play my accordion.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17Oh, go and play it then!
0:23:25 > 0:23:2840p, please.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Thank you very...
0:23:37 > 0:23:41Excuse me. I'm just gonnae go and have to have a word with my brother!
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Help! Help!
0:23:48 > 0:23:53A shark! A shark! Get out of the water anyway!
0:23:53 > 0:23:58- Aagh! Aagh!- Walter!
0:23:58 > 0:24:03BANGING
0:24:03 > 0:24:05That's it!
0:24:22 > 0:24:23Ho!
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Ho!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Ho!
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Ho!
0:24:30 > 0:24:31- Ho! - DOG BARKS
0:24:31 > 0:24:34- BANGS AND WOOFS BECOME A TUNE - Ho!
0:24:35 > 0:24:36Ho!
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Right son, what'd I tell you?! Turn that shite off!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56In the name of me.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03LIFT TINGS
0:25:06 > 0:25:11- Where's the buttons? - Oh, no, they installed voice recognition technology in this lift.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- I heard about this. - Voice recognition technology?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17In a lift. In Scotland?
0:25:17 > 0:25:20You ever tried voice recognition technology?
0:25:20 > 0:25:24- No.- They don't do Scottish accents.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Eleven.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Could you please repeat that.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Eleven.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Eleven.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37- Eleven.- Eleven.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Could you please repeat that.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42E-lev-en.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Whose idea was this?
0:25:44 > 0:25:47You need to try an American accent.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Eleven. Eleven.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54- That sounds Irish, no American. - No, it disnae.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58- Eleven. - Where in America is that, Dublin?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00I'm sorry, could you please repeat that?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03I'll try an English accent, right.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Eleven.
0:26:06 > 0:26:11- Eleven.- You from the same part of England as Dick Van Dyke?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Let's hear yours then, smart arse.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Please speak slowly and clearly.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Smart arse!
0:26:18 > 0:26:19Eleven.
0:26:19 > 0:26:24I'm sorry, could you please repeat that?
0:26:24 > 0:26:29Eleven. If you don't understand the lingo, away back home to your own country!
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Oh, it's that talk now is it? Away back to your own country.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36Oh, don't start, Mr Bleeding Heart. How can you be racist to a lift?
0:26:36 > 0:26:40Please speak slowly and clearly.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Eleven. Eleven.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Eleven.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48- Eleven. - You're just saying it the same way.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51I'm gonnae keep saying it until it understands Scottish, all right?!
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Eleven.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Eleven.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Eleven.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02- Eleven. - Oh, just take us anywhere, ya cow! Just open the doors.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04This is a voice activated elevator.
0:27:04 > 0:27:09Please state which floor you would like to go to in a clear and calm manner.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Calm? Calm?
0:27:12 > 0:27:16Where's that coming fae? Why is it tellin' people to be calm?
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Because they knew they'd be selling this tae Scottish people who'd be going off their nuts at it!
0:27:20 > 0:27:22You have not selected a floor.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Aye we have. Eleven.
0:27:24 > 0:27:29If you would like to get out of the elevator without selecting a floor
0:27:29 > 0:27:33simply say, "open the doors, please".
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Please? Please?
0:27:35 > 0:27:39- Suck my wullie. - Maybe we should just say, "please".
0:27:41 > 0:27:42I'm no begging that for nothing.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Open the doors, please.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52"Please". Pathetic.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Please remain calm.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59Lift me up to that thing. Get me up there!
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Right. Just wait for it to speak!
0:28:04 > 0:28:08- You have not selected... - Up yours, ya cow. If you don't let us out these doors,
0:28:08 > 0:28:11I'm gonna come to America, I'm gonna find whatever
0:28:11 > 0:28:18- desperate actress gave you her voice and I'm gonnae go to the electric chair for you!- Scotland, ya bastard.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22- Scotland.- Scotland.- Sco-o-otland!
0:28:22 > 0:28:25- Freedom!- Freedom!
0:28:33 > 0:28:34Going up?
0:28:42 > 0:28:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd