0:00:02 > 0:00:02and she was saying to me, "I think I've broke my ankle.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18So I nearly signed for Burnistoun United
0:00:18 > 0:00:21when I was younger, but that didnae work oot.
0:00:21 > 0:00:22Erm...
0:00:22 > 0:00:25I got into business with my brother.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27That didnae work oot, either.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Well, it didnae work oot for me.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33He's in the spoon game now, in the Middle East somewhere.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35He's a multimillionaire.
0:00:35 > 0:00:40Er, so now I'm hoping to get into the taxi game, now.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I mean, as a kind of driving unit.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46A driver, taxi driver, really.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Pal, you're just one step away
0:00:48 > 0:00:51from becoming a Burnistoun city taxi driver.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53I'm your taxi driver patter assessor.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55I'll be hearing your patter today.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56In your own time.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59This you going to your work, mate?
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Let me just stop you right there.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03You've stirred up a right hornet's nest with that one.
0:01:03 > 0:01:04What if I've just been made redundant, pal?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07What if I cannae stand my work and cannae face talking about it?
0:01:07 > 0:01:10You've offended me already.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11Try a different approach.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14You a Burnistoun United man yourself, mate?
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Red flag there, very antagonistic.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19If I dae support United, how dae I know you dae?
0:01:19 > 0:01:22How dae I know you're not a City fan trying to flush me oot
0:01:22 > 0:01:24so you can give me a doing in a lay-by?
0:01:24 > 0:01:28And if I don't support United, well, I already detest you, don't I?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30You need to be less specific.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31Are you into your fitba', mate?
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Too specific. Are you into your sports, mate?
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Still too specific.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36You into...
0:01:36 > 0:01:38hings, mate?
0:01:38 > 0:01:40"Are you into hings?"
0:01:40 > 0:01:43"Are you into hings?" Way too sexual, pal.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45That sounds like swingers' patter to me.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46That's no' what I'm into at all.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Try something else.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Cracking day the day, mate, isn't it?
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Is it?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53What if my maw just died?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Cracking weather the day, isn't it, mate?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57No' if I've got some kind of skin condition
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I need to keep out of the sunlight, it's not.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Be less specific.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Cracking...
0:02:04 > 0:02:05Cracking, isn't it?
0:02:05 > 0:02:06What's cracking?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Certainly not my wallet with this vague patter, here.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Try a different approach. Come on.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12HE SIGHS
0:02:12 > 0:02:14See when they built the pyramids, mate,
0:02:14 > 0:02:17in the belief that they were preparing themselves
0:02:17 > 0:02:18for some kind of afterlife,
0:02:18 > 0:02:20have you ever considered
0:02:20 > 0:02:23that thae pyramids truly DID create an afterlife
0:02:23 > 0:02:25for the people buried inside,
0:02:25 > 0:02:28through a mimetic transferral across the generations
0:02:28 > 0:02:32by inspiring and fascinating the culture?
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Too highbrow, pal.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36It's a taxi ride, not the Oxford and Cambridge boat race.
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Oh, just get oot my taxi, mate.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39And go where? Be mair specific.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42And go tae fuck.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Be mair specific.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Go right tae fuck.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Offensive, pal, but I cannae say it isnae reasonable.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Here, you've passed.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51Keep the change.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS
0:03:08 > 0:03:10THEY LAUGH
0:03:10 > 0:03:11That's not...
0:03:11 > 0:03:13(That's the boss's son.)
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Carry on. Nice day for it, eh?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24All right! I'm Jolly Boy John.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Jolly Boy John going for a job interview is for real.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29For real! For real!
0:03:29 > 0:03:32I'm the chairman of the Wee Chocolate Banana Corporation.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34For real!
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Jolly Boy John going for a job interview
0:03:35 > 0:03:39and saying hash pipes to every question is for real.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Hash pipes.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42"Name?" Hash pipes.
0:03:42 > 0:03:43"Address?"
0:03:43 > 0:03:44Hash pipes.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46"Do you have any experience?"
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Hash pipes.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48For real!
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Jolly Boy John using his celebrity pals
0:03:51 > 0:03:53to help him get a job is for real.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55"Do you have any references?"
0:03:55 > 0:03:57I've got one fae Dolly Parton.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00She's under ma nipple flap.
0:04:00 > 0:04:05"Ooh, I hear that Jolly Boy John's some grafter, by the way."
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Hash pipes.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08For real!
0:04:08 > 0:04:11"Do you have anything you'd like to tell us about?"
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Responsible gambling.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15"Anything else?"
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Nunchucks for a wullie. Nunchucks for a wullie.
0:04:19 > 0:04:20Oooh-ooh!
0:04:20 > 0:04:21"Anything else?"
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Pigs. Babies. Conor McGregor.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25You think all rolling about in a playpen
0:04:25 > 0:04:28makes yous as for real as Jolly Boy John?
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Get real!
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Wu-wu-wu-wu-wu-wu.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41There you go, madam.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42Thank you.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44And yourself, sir.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Someone will be along to take your drinks order in a moment.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49Thanks.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Vouchers, is it, sir?
0:04:53 > 0:04:54What's that?
0:04:54 > 0:04:58Did the family all chip in for vouchers
0:04:58 > 0:05:01to give you a chance to eat in a place like this?
0:05:01 > 0:05:02No.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05It's the place across the road.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07What?
0:05:07 > 0:05:10The restaurant that does the two-for-one meal deal, madam,
0:05:10 > 0:05:12is across the road.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15I think you're in the wrong place.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17I think you're right. Come on, Jackie.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Don, the food here is apparently to die for.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24I'm sure it's just crossed wires.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Now, sir, you might never have seen one of these
0:05:27 > 0:05:31resting upon the shoogly-legged tables of the rat-infested cafes
0:05:31 > 0:05:33where you normally eat,
0:05:33 > 0:05:38but this is a...wine list.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I know what a wine list is.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Just to save you the embarrassment of asking, sir,
0:05:43 > 0:05:48this is the price per glass, not per bottle.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49I know that.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52(Are you quite sure you have enough money
0:05:52 > 0:05:56(remaining in your overdraft to pay for this food, sir?)
0:05:56 > 0:05:58"Card declined," sir.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01"Oh, that's never happened before.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02"Try this one."
0:06:02 > 0:06:05"Oh, that's a membership card for a council gym, sir."
0:06:05 > 0:06:07D'you know what? The food here might be to die for,
0:06:07 > 0:06:09but I doubt very much it's to be made a clown out of for.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Hmm.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14What are you doing?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Just checking your label, madam.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20(Are you sure you're in the right place?)
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Yes!
0:06:23 > 0:06:26I have been reading rave reviews
0:06:26 > 0:06:28about the food in this restaurant for months.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Oh, madam, if you are the type of woman who reads restaurant reviews,
0:06:32 > 0:06:37then I am the itching anus of the chacma baboon.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Right, let's go.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Calm down, sir.
0:06:40 > 0:06:45I am perfectly willing to teach monkeys to sup soup,
0:06:45 > 0:06:49but perhaps you and your bowling-trophy wife would be happier
0:06:49 > 0:06:52in an establishment where the plates are chipped,
0:06:52 > 0:06:57the spoons are greasy and the sauce is "rid" and "broon".
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Right, we're leaving.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03And we're going to go in our S-class Cabriolet Mercedes-Benz
0:07:03 > 0:07:04and we're going to travel across town
0:07:04 > 0:07:07to the obscenely expensive, Michelin-star bistro
0:07:07 > 0:07:08where we eat every weekend.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Jackie.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15BOTH: Snobby bastards.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18We were in this boring meeting, right?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20It was dragging on and on and I get a phone call from my wife
0:07:20 > 0:07:22and she was saying to me, "I think I've broke my ankle.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24"You need to come hame and take me to the hospital."
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Now, I'm not going to lie to anybody here. You see
0:07:26 > 0:07:29in that moment, I felt total joy.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Right, it seemed worth it to get out of that meeting.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Does that make me a terrible husband?
0:07:33 > 0:07:34No...
0:07:34 > 0:07:36because you would have been just as happy
0:07:36 > 0:07:38if it was your mother or father.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Aye, aye, but, you see, ever since then, I've been asking myself
0:07:41 > 0:07:44just how much injury to my wife would I be willing to tolerate
0:07:44 > 0:07:46to get out of a meeting like that, you know what I mean?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49I don't know the answer, I need to be honest.
0:07:49 > 0:07:54Up to, but not including, brain and spine injuries.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Seems reasonable, aye.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58It's a calling, yes,
0:07:58 > 0:08:00but it is a job and I love it.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02I mean, I do love a good wedding.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Should anyone here present have reason
0:08:07 > 0:08:11why this couple should not be joined together in holy matrimony,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14speak now or forever hold your peace.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Me.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19I know of a reason.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20And?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Oh, that's all. Carry on.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26You're not going to tell us the reason?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Well, it's hardly the right time to bring all that up, is it?
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Yeah, but you did bring it up, so...
0:08:30 > 0:08:33But I'm not going to go into all the dirty details
0:08:33 > 0:08:35in the middle of the wedding, am I?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37I wish I'd forever held my peace now.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Well, you can't forever hold your peace
0:08:39 > 0:08:41after you've already spoken out.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Er, I can start forever holding my peace any time I like.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47What's the reason?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Peace...held.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51Look, is it because...?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Naw!
0:08:58 > 0:09:02I didnae know you did that, you manky, clatty big...
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Well, that's two reasons I now know of
0:09:05 > 0:09:07why these two should not be married.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09I know another reason, as well.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12What's your reason? I'm forever holding my peace.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14WOMAN: I know three reasons, easy.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17MAN: I know five, but I'm forever holding my peace.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19I know half a dozen reasons
0:09:19 > 0:09:21and one of them's sitting right there,
0:09:21 > 0:09:23and another one's sitting there.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25And what are those reasons?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Well, they've both... Get that peace held, Granny.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31They've both... Hold your peace.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32ALL: Hold your peace!
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Hold your peace! Ugh, I'm forever holding my peace!
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Is there anyone here who does not have a reason
0:09:40 > 0:09:42why this couple shouldn't be married?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51I forever hold my peace.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53SHE SOBS
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Not here.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Barry, not here.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02BARRY SOBS
0:10:02 > 0:10:06So, as you can see, from this graph here, um, if...
0:10:06 > 0:10:10Sorry, I'm not actually sure what this line represents.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13SNIFFING
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Woo! HE LAUGHS
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Well... W-w-well, th-that is...
0:10:19 > 0:10:21(Boss's son.)
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Oh.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Carry on.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Nice day for it, eh?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Now, this is Mr Geist's favourite ride,
0:10:41 > 0:10:44so he'll be coming to dae your training personally.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Just a wee word of advice -
0:10:46 > 0:10:51do not mention the fact that he's got a wig.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52Like, he's really sensitive about it.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55He's fired people on the spot just for mentioning it.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57All right.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Welcome aboard, big fella.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Noo, since this'll be your first time
0:11:01 > 0:11:03running my spectacular ghost train,
0:11:03 > 0:11:07I want to run through a key bit of customer interaction with you, OK?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Now, when a train passes your position,
0:11:09 > 0:11:11you're going to be leaning forward
0:11:11 > 0:11:13and ruffling the hair of the person in the carriage
0:11:13 > 0:11:15to give them a fricht.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Uh, yeah. OK.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Now, I'll go and jump in the carriage
0:11:18 > 0:11:20and you can have a wee practice on me.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27SIREN WAILS
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Oooh!
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Stop!
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Look what you've done to my hair, big fella.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36You need to have a mair gentle touch.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39This is the most sophisticated fricht on the ghost train.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Now, again, softer.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Back we go.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46SIREN WAILS
0:11:46 > 0:11:47Oooh!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Stop! For God's...
0:11:49 > 0:11:54Son, your stupid, big shovel hauns have spun my hair arse akimbo here.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55What if I'd have been a customer?
0:11:55 > 0:11:59We'd be up to our genuine hairlines in lawsuits.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01It's... It's just...
0:12:01 > 0:12:03your hair...
0:12:03 > 0:12:05it's a bit loose.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Your hair is loose.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Listen, here's what we dae when people cannae manage it manually.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12We usually provide a bit of mechanical assistance.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Wee lassie, bring in the hing.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Ugh.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Right, noo, again.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22And don't be giving me any rubbish
0:12:22 > 0:12:25like accidentally blowing my hair richt aff my heid, all right?
0:12:25 > 0:12:26Back we go.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31SIREN WAILS
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Stop! Stop!
0:12:38 > 0:12:42That's it! Finish your shift, son, and get out of my funfair.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Maybe if you taped your WIG doon a bit better.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48My wig?! How dare you? SIREN WAILS
0:12:48 > 0:12:49The customers are coming.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Finish your bloody shift, you imbecile.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Come on, noo!
0:12:58 > 0:13:02And here we have some commonly used units of measurement.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04We have a metre...
0:13:04 > 0:13:06a foot,
0:13:06 > 0:13:07inch...
0:13:08 > 0:13:10..centimetre
0:13:10 > 0:13:12and baw hair.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16OK?
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Buddell and Tollan are ready to go.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22This will be the biggest MMA fight in Burnistoun's history.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24We're ready for your questions.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26This fight was moved forward by a month.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Why are you both so keen to get this fight started?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Cos I want to fight him cos he's a wee baby.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34I want to punch him in his eye and his nose
0:13:34 > 0:13:35and his cheeky, cheeky chin.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Aye, well, I want to fight you, baldy.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Baldy Bane.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Ah, well, come on and fight me, then.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42I will fight you.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45This Saturday night in the Octopus.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47It's an Octagon, ya mad turnip, ye!
0:13:47 > 0:13:50OK, guys, let's keep a lid on this.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Tollan, did you find it easy to make weight?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Make weight? He couldn't even make a sandwich.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Aye, I can. No, you cannae.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Aye, I can. I make nice sandwiches for my mammy, actually.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Well, I make a really delicious tuna sandwich, mate.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06I bet you cannae make one of them.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Aye, I can. Well, what do you put on it, then?
0:14:09 > 0:14:12A tuna. A whole tuna, aye? Aye.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15A tuna's about the size of a Shetland pony, you mad horseshoe!
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Well, I'll use a big loaf then, wouldn't I?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Oh, mate, you are a big loaf.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Check these muscles. You scared noo, eh?
0:14:21 > 0:14:22Aye. Baby peas!
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Meat, mate. 40 quid - a month on protein shakes.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I built this up in the gym and I was born with it, an' aw.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33Can you share with us what the purse is for the fight?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36No, but I can share with you that he's got a purse.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37No, I don't. Don't write that.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Aye, he's like a mad, wee granny cutting about the shopping centre
0:14:40 > 0:14:42with his wee purse.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43He's like a wee granny.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44You're a wee granny grumplin.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47That's it, mate, I'm going to punch you in your wee belly, mate,
0:14:47 > 0:14:48give you a right cramp.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Well, on you go, then.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52My wee belly's right here, waiting for you.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Aye, I know. I've been looking at your wee belly all day.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56I cannae keep my eyes aff it. Guys!
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Right, let's not give this away for free.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59Last question.
0:14:59 > 0:15:04What music will you be entering to on the big night?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Well, Tollan will be coming in to Agadoo by Black Lace.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09No, I willnae, don't write that doon.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12He'll be coming in to Especially For You
0:15:12 > 0:15:14by Kylie and Donovan.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Kylie and Donovan! It's Kylie and Jason, you mad dingo, isn't it?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Well, at least my entrance music isnae Here Comes The Bride.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Oh...
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Well, if my music is Here Comes The Bride,
0:15:24 > 0:15:26then that must mean you're the groom.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29You want to marry me. He wants to marry me!
0:15:29 > 0:15:32I wouldnae even kiss you, never mind marry you.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Imagine talking about kissing. You want to kiss me?
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Write that doon. I don't want to kiss you! Write that doon.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38He wants a kiss. I don't want a kiss.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40You get away frae me, he's trying to kiss me!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42THEY SHOUT, CAMERAS CLICK
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Write that doon! I hate you! Write that doon!
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Hi. Could we have a table for two, please?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Of course, madam, just follow me.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53May I take your coats?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Thank you.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Sir. Thanks so much.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Just this way.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08And through here.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:16:19 > 0:16:20This table here.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Hello, Wasps Killed 25 Quid, how can I help you?
0:16:29 > 0:16:31You got wasps, aye?
0:16:31 > 0:16:32What about this, mate?
0:16:32 > 0:16:38How about I come round your hoose and I kill thae wasps for 25 quid?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41That the kind of shit you wanted to hear when you phoned this number?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43You bet, boy.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Can I ask where you heard about us?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47On a bit of paper stuck to a lamppost?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49And what did it say on that bit of paper?
0:16:49 > 0:16:52"Wasps Killed 25 Quid."
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Fucking right it did, amigo.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57I say one insect and one insect only.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01I don't say bees, I don't say ants, I don't say ladybirds or worms.
0:17:01 > 0:17:06I say wasps, I say killed, I say 25 quid.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07Kill shot!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09BUZZING
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Now, why don't you give me your address
0:17:12 > 0:17:15and I'll come round and give you a price?
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Hello?
0:17:22 > 0:17:26Uhhh... Well, now. JEERING
0:17:26 > 0:17:27We've all had a good laugh
0:17:27 > 0:17:31at Mr Coughlan's fantastical financial policies,
0:17:31 > 0:17:35but isn't it ironic that while he was at party headquarters
0:17:35 > 0:17:39trying to fill in the holes in his economic plan,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42his good wife Marge was out on the town
0:17:42 > 0:17:45getting her own holes filled in? JEERING
0:17:45 > 0:17:50Yes, filled in by men, for the avoidance of doubt.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Well, now.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53Well, now.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58Well, now, I wonder if Mr Brogue has noticed how he and his wife,
0:17:58 > 0:18:00the feisty Josephine,
0:18:00 > 0:18:05like to engage in some very similar behaviour.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06In what sense?
0:18:06 > 0:18:10Well, while he was trying so desperately
0:18:10 > 0:18:14to put a positive spin on the latest opinion poll,
0:18:14 > 0:18:19she was having a good spin on my pole.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Yes! MURMURS OF APPROVAL
0:18:21 > 0:18:27Yes, my MEAT pole, it must be stated.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Well, now. Well, now.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Have you no decency, sir? Have you no decency?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35So full of himself, yes,
0:18:35 > 0:18:39for a man so unpopular with his own voters
0:18:39 > 0:18:41that he had to sneak out the back door
0:18:41 > 0:18:42at his own party conference.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44But, very fitting, I think,
0:18:44 > 0:18:49that while he was being hounded by the Labour voter,
0:18:49 > 0:18:56his good wife was getting pounded in the neighbour's motor. Yes!
0:18:56 > 0:19:00A sexual pounding in a Renault Megane,
0:19:00 > 0:19:02is what I am alluding to here, sir.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Uh, well, now...
0:19:05 > 0:19:06Well, now?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Well, now...
0:19:08 > 0:19:10MR BROGUE GASPS It seems that once again
0:19:10 > 0:19:16my right honourable friend's patter well has run completely dry.
0:19:16 > 0:19:23I refer the honourable gentleman to the slaggings I handed out earlier.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26OTHERS: Yes, yes!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Oh, no! What?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30She sacked me. She actually went and sacked me.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33The best looking woman in the office has been sacked, everybody.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35She called me in her office and she says,
0:19:35 > 0:19:37"I need to talk to you about your social networks."
0:19:37 > 0:19:39And I was like that, "Oh, no, she's had a look at my social networks."
0:19:39 > 0:19:41And she was like, "I've had a look at your social networks."
0:19:41 > 0:19:43And I was like that, "Oh, no." Oh, no. Oh, no.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46I was like that, "Listen, I've not got any social networks."
0:19:46 > 0:19:49And she was like that, "Is this not you on Twitter - Rhona Babe?"
0:19:49 > 0:19:50And I was like that, "Aye."
0:19:50 > 0:19:52And she says, "Is this not you on Instagram - Yoga Rhona?"
0:19:52 > 0:19:53And I was like that, "Aye."
0:19:53 > 0:19:55She says, "Well, you tweeted out, 'My boss is a cow.'"
0:19:55 > 0:19:57And I was like that, "Aye, but I didnae mean you."
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Then she says, "I had a look at Callie's Twitter an' aw."
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Mine? Yours. Oh, no. Oh, no.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05And apparently, you'd replied, "Do you mean Sharon out our work?"
0:20:05 > 0:20:07And she went like that to me, "And you liked it."
0:20:07 > 0:20:10I didnae like it! No, Callie, you tweeted it and I liked it.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13And I was like that, "Aye, but I didnae mean like as in I like it,
0:20:13 > 0:20:15"I meant like as in 'Like, haud on a minute,
0:20:15 > 0:20:17"'I love Big Sharon.'"
0:20:17 > 0:20:20And she was like that, "What do you mean BIG Sharon?"
0:20:20 > 0:20:23I was like that, "Oh, no. I meant big as in big personality."
0:20:23 > 0:20:25And she was like that, "Well, this maybe explains
0:20:25 > 0:20:27"this Instagram photo you posted of a big cake
0:20:27 > 0:20:29"with the hashtag 'Big Sharon's Breakfast.'"
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Oh, no. Oh, no.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33And I went, "Oh, but I didn't mean you, I meant another Big Sharon."
0:20:33 > 0:20:35And she says, "Well, I've had a look at Callie's Instagram an' aw."
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Mine? Aye. So this is partly your fault
0:20:37 > 0:20:39cos you posted a photo of you and Sharon at work
0:20:39 > 0:20:42and I'd commented that Big Sharon eats cakes for breakfast,
0:20:42 > 0:20:44and then she sacked me. Oh, no.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Oh, no. And I was heading downstairs and she called me back.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49You know what, Callie? You should learn something from this.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51She says to me, "Us women have got to stick together
0:20:51 > 0:20:54"so I'll gie you a second chance." Oh, yes. Oh, no. Oh, yes, Callie.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Because by that time I'd already been downstairs,
0:20:56 > 0:20:58I'd already been on Facebook and had posted an update saying,
0:20:58 > 0:20:59"Big Sharon just sacked me"
0:20:59 > 0:21:02and tagged her on a photo of a big box of doughnuts, Callie. Oh, no.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Oh, no is right. Oh, no.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Enjoy your work, everybody, that you've still got.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Bitches.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11See that light up there?
0:21:12 > 0:21:15I've been willing that to fall on my heid for about two year,
0:21:15 > 0:21:16for the compo.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20You see that dodgy plug under there?
0:21:22 > 0:21:27I've been touching that plug with a wet haun for six months,
0:21:27 > 0:21:29hoping to get a weekend off.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31It's no' fair, is it?
0:21:39 > 0:21:42OK, guys, we've got a really special treat for you today.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Here to talk to you about road safety
0:21:44 > 0:21:47is Officer McGregor and Officer Toshan.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51Yeah, it's the polis! Woo!
0:21:51 > 0:21:55Yeah! Polis, polis, polis, polis!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57P-O...
0:21:57 > 0:21:59L-I...
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Aye, all right, Toshan, let's wind this nonsense up quickly
0:22:01 > 0:22:03so we can get doon the bookie's.
0:22:03 > 0:22:08Now, the polis are your pals.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Forget about the fact that we're the reason
0:22:11 > 0:22:13that hauf your dads are in the jail.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Hauns up whose dads are in the jail.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Oh, that's good.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Naebody likes a grass.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Now, Toshan,
0:22:23 > 0:22:28tell our pals exactly how fast a motor would need to be going
0:22:28 > 0:22:33to do some seriously gruesome damage to them and their BMXs.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Oh, don't make me dae sums here, McGregor.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Sums are shite, in't they, boys and girls?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39KIDS: Yes!
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Are we allowed to say shite, aye?
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Absolutely not.
0:22:42 > 0:22:47Oh, come on, noo, they've all heard the word shite.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Can you please just tell the kids about road safety?
0:22:50 > 0:22:52I'm trying to.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Keep your scants on.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55KIDS LAUGH
0:22:55 > 0:23:00Hey, hey, don't be laughing about your teacher having scants.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Everybody wears scants.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05I don't. Please, I have a class to teach.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Right, road safety.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Don't walk oot in front of motors.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Don't try to cross the road with your eyes shut.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Aye, and don't get steaming drunk on a Saturday night
0:23:14 > 0:23:17and try to stop a taxi by karate kicking it.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Any questions?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Wee man, put that haun doon
0:23:21 > 0:23:23or I'll boot that arm right aff your shoulder.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27Noo, who wants to see what happens
0:23:27 > 0:23:30when you shoot somebody right in the tongue with a Taser?
0:23:30 > 0:23:32ALL: Me! Me! Me!
0:23:32 > 0:23:35I thought you didnae want me to shoot you in the tongue with a...
0:23:35 > 0:23:38KIDS LAUGH
0:23:40 > 0:23:42I've been a DJ in Burnistoun the past 20 years.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Still partying, still getting mad with it.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48I do these silent discos now, but, cos, well...
0:23:48 > 0:23:51I mean, why should I be the only one that looks like a dick?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54SHOES SQUEAK ON FLOOR
0:23:59 > 0:24:03Hey! How you doing, man? THEY LAUGH
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Still working away, aye?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Aye, mate, still working away.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Yourself? Aye, mate, still working away.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Oh, I love this bit!
0:24:14 > 0:24:17HE LAUGHS So, how's the missus?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Oh, we got divorced last year, mate.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Oh, man, it was the worst time of my life, right?
0:24:22 > 0:24:25She kept telling me she was having to work late, right?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Aye. But I found out her boss was...
0:24:30 > 0:24:34..sending her to training, mate, for a bigger job in Canada, mate.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36She's emigrated. Oh, that's brutal, man.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38I was depressed, no energy,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41I kept waking up every morning and going...
0:24:44 > 0:24:46..going straight back to sleep again, mate.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Oh, been there, pal, been there.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51What about your family? Your da still playing the golf?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Nah, my da passed away a few months ago, mate.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Oh, sorry to hear that, man.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Aye, my maw came up my door late one night, right?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Comes banging on my door.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03I answer it and she goes, "It's your da,
0:25:03 > 0:25:05"he's terminal, he's dying."
0:25:05 > 0:25:06And she goes...
0:25:06 > 0:25:12ALL: Ooooh, yes!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14She goes, "You'd better get down that hospital as quick as you can."
0:25:14 > 0:25:17I goes down there, mate, I tell you, it was the worst night of my life.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19I walked into this wee room, my da's lying in there, right,
0:25:19 > 0:25:21all withered away,
0:25:21 > 0:25:22a shell of his former self,
0:25:22 > 0:25:25and he looks up at me, right, with his eyes all filling up with tears,
0:25:25 > 0:25:27and he whispers in my ear,
0:25:27 > 0:25:30with his very last breath, mate, he says...
0:25:30 > 0:25:34ALL: Here we, here we, here we fucking go!
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Here we, here we, here we fucking go!
0:25:38 > 0:25:41My job is a master of disguise.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Through next door is this year's master of disguise convention,
0:25:45 > 0:25:48where we find out how the master of disguise industry's performing
0:25:48 > 0:25:51and pick up on all the latest tricks and techniques.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54I don't want anybody to recognise me while I'm here, though,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57so I've come disguised as hotel staff.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Vol-au-vent, sir?
0:26:02 > 0:26:05QUIET CHATTER
0:26:12 > 0:26:14That's shite.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Naebody's turned up.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Is this...? Is this...? Is this...?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Jeremy, I suggested that the new performance criteria
0:26:36 > 0:26:38is well within the recommended margins.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Well, there are one or two action items that remain actionable
0:26:41 > 0:26:44and we really need to get the needle moving on those as soon as possible.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Excuse me!
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Steve Jobbies!
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Is this one of thae places? Sorry?
0:26:53 > 0:26:58Is this one of the, "Ooh, let's have a business meeting, Jeremy" places?
0:26:58 > 0:26:59It's a public space.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03Is this one of thae, "Let's Wi-Fi and eye pie
0:27:03 > 0:27:06"and interface with Jeremy" places?
0:27:06 > 0:27:09I'm sorry. We can conduct business wherever we like these days.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11HE MUTTERS
0:27:11 > 0:27:15Son, is this or is this no'
0:27:15 > 0:27:17one of thae, "Oh, let's eye pie a brown eye
0:27:17 > 0:27:21"and shove our Jeremys down everybody's throats" places?
0:27:21 > 0:27:23The truth! Can you be quiet?
0:27:23 > 0:27:25We're trying to ladder up through our ecosystem here
0:27:25 > 0:27:29so we can drill down to a new level of granularity.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30Granny whit noo? Granularity.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Your granny whit? Granularity.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Your dirty granny did whit?!
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Granularity - detail?
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Can you leave us in peace to conduct our business?
0:27:40 > 0:27:45I'll be wiggling my business right out that front door,
0:27:45 > 0:27:47any mair of this shite, boy.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Up eh road, noo. Up eh road, Joe.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Up eh road, noo. Up eh road, noo, Joe.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Up eh road, noo. Up eh road, noo.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Ah. Up-ah!
0:27:57 > 0:28:01Up-ah, up-ah up eh road, noo.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Just let me send a wee e-mail, here.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Up eh road, Joe.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08See, where we going, here?
0:28:08 > 0:28:10PHONE: We are going up the road.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Up eh road, noo. Up eh road!
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Up eh road, noo! Up eh road!
0:28:14 > 0:28:17THEY YELL
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Unbelievable.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Sorry about that.
0:28:23 > 0:28:24Incredible. LAPTOP DINGS
0:28:26 > 0:28:27Up eh road, noo! Up eh road!
0:28:27 > 0:28:30Up eh road, noo! Up eh road, noo! Get up eh road!
0:28:30 > 0:28:31BOTH: Up eh road!