0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28What?!
0:00:29 > 0:00:30Ugh!
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Mate, get off that machine.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40What?
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Get off that machine before anybody sees you.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46- How?- Cos it's for women, that machine, that's how.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49- What?- Mate, I have never seen a guy on that machine in my puff.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Directing eye traffic to your baws like that.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55You're embarrassing us. Get off it!
0:00:55 > 0:01:00The reason why you don't see guys on this is because all guys care about
0:01:00 > 0:01:02is having a big chest or biceps.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04I'm wanting a total body workout.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Aye, total fanny workout, more like. Opening your legs
0:01:07 > 0:01:10like you're inviting all the men into you.
0:01:10 > 0:01:15- Get off it!- Away.- Mate, that machine does nothing for your muscles.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Lassies sit on that machine to send out the signal to guys that they know
0:01:18 > 0:01:22what it's all about when it comes to opening their legs. Right?
0:01:22 > 0:01:26And see fuds like him, they do press-ups so lassies go,
0:01:26 > 0:01:30"Oh, he takes all his weight on his arms and goes up and down on us
0:01:30 > 0:01:33"like a beast until I've hit the tickly bit." Right?
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Guys do that. Lassies go on this. It's a mating dance, mate. Now get off it!
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Mate with that, mate.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43You're a total brasser, by the way.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47A total embarrassment.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10RAPPING: # Brother, I got a big question
0:02:10 > 0:02:12# It's a question that's on my lips
0:02:12 > 0:02:17# It's really doing my box in It's putting me off of my chips!
0:02:17 > 0:02:19# I know what you're going to ask me, my man
0:02:19 > 0:02:21# I've got the same question too
0:02:21 > 0:02:24# It's a question all about a bus shelter
0:02:24 > 0:02:26# And a motherbucking shoe
0:02:26 > 0:02:29# Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31# Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33# Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36# Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38# Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40# Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42# Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they?
0:02:42 > 0:02:45# Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47# Whose shoe is that? Whose shoe is that?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49# Whose shoe is that? Whose shoe is that?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51# Whose shoe is that? Whose shoe is that?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54# Whose shoe is that? Whose shoe is that?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56# Whose glove is that? Whose glove is that?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58# Whose glove is that? Whose glove is that?
0:02:58 > 0:02:59# Whose glove is that?
0:02:59 > 0:03:03# Whose glove is that? Whose motherbucking glove is that? #
0:03:06 > 0:03:07That guy dies at the end.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10- That guy dies at the end. - That guy dies at the end.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13That guy dies at the end.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Could you be quiet?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Sorry. Just saying that guy, the main guy in the film,
0:03:17 > 0:03:19that guy there, he dies at the end.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22She shoots him. At the end. That's how it ends.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Well, we don't want to know that. Shut up!
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Nice hair.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Nice hair.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37Lovely hair.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39- What?- Nice hair.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- Shut up.- Not you, your boyfriend.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45I'm a lassie! Now shut up!
0:03:45 > 0:03:46No, you're not. You're a hamster.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- What was that?- You're a hamster.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53I'm not talking to stupid wee boys about hamsters!
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Talking about you. You're a hamster.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- How am I a hamster?- Shhh. Quiet, please. Watching the film.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Oh, shut up.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- Nice hair.- Will you shut up? - Not you. Your hamster.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09How am I a hamster?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- What are you saying? - Nice hair.- How am I a hamster?
0:04:11 > 0:04:16- Ignore them!- How come they're saying I'm a hamster?- Does it matter?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18- Aye! How am I a hamster?- Shhh!
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- We'll get you flung out. - Straight back to the pet shop.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- Straight back to the zoo. - The hamster zoo.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25Answer me, you pair of wee dicks!
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I'm trying to watch this motion picture here.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Trying to watch this Oscar-nominated motion picture.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Why did you say I'm a hamster?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36This is a disgrace.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40I can't hear a thing because of all this squeaking from this hamster.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44- Hey. Why a hamster?- Will you leave it alone, for God's sake!
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Why are they saying I'm a hamster?
0:04:46 > 0:04:50I don't know! Your cheeks or your teeth! I don't know!
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Popcorn, Marky?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12GLASS SMASHES
0:05:20 > 0:05:25- Look. Erra Pope.- What?
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Erra bold Pope, hanging about with they wee guys, man.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32What's he doing there?
0:05:36 > 0:05:41I'm going to phone the police. I'm sick of them hanging around there, annoying people.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44No, leave them alone. They're not doing anything.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48Pope's having a wee swally, is all.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03No, maybe you better phone the police after all.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14All right?
0:06:15 > 0:06:18I'm not ready yet. But just wait in there
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- with my da' and all my mad uncles. - What?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26This is Wee Danny. Gonae talk to him till I get ready?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Take a seat in the guest chair.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44I'm all right standing.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52- Are you squaring up to me in my own house?- No. I'll... I'll sit.
0:07:00 > 0:07:05I can't hear a word this wee boy's saying. Give him the karaoke mike.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15- So what you wanting Caitlin for? - I'm taking her to the...
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Into the mike, son.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20So we can all hear you.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23I'm taking her to the pictures.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27I'm no taking any more of that off this wee prick!
0:07:27 > 0:07:28Sit down, Eddie.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Let the boy talk.
0:07:30 > 0:07:36If you're going to go back to the jail for him, you better make sure he's worth it.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40- So what film is it you're going to see?- The Double Date.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44And what genre of film is that?
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Romantic comedy.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Steady, Tam. Hold.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53My blood's up. MY BLOOD'S UP!
0:07:55 > 0:08:00- I'm sure there was a write-up about that film in the paper today.- Aye?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Did it say it was up to much cop?
0:08:02 > 0:08:10Do I look like the kind of guy that reads reviews of romantic comedies?
0:08:10 > 0:08:15- In your own house, Adam, he's talking to you like this. - Let me see this.
0:08:21 > 0:08:27"The Double Date will have you doubled over."
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Why would you want my daughter doubled over?
0:08:31 > 0:08:35- I don't. I just thought it looked funny.- There's more.
0:08:35 > 0:08:42- "The Double Date, starring... Russell Brand..."- A beast.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45A boastful sex beast!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47"..is a whip smart, saucy sex romp."
0:08:47 > 0:08:52A whip smart saucy sex romp?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- Whip smart saucy?- Saucy sex?
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Sex romp?
0:08:56 > 0:09:03Romp? Romp? ALL: Romp? Romp? Romp!
0:09:04 > 0:09:10Romp! Why would you want to take my daughter to a romp?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13I'd just heard it was funny.
0:09:13 > 0:09:20Reading between the lines here, this jagged wee spur has said to himself, "I'm so full of spunk and bravado,
0:09:20 > 0:09:24"I'm going to go round to that lassie's house and pish in her da's face."
0:09:24 > 0:09:28Is that what you're planning for me in my own house?
0:09:31 > 0:09:38Ronnie! Get the handcuffs and the spoons.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Da! No. Not again.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02This is how it is with men, darling.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04There's no other way.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05Come on!
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Argh!
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Ooh!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17No-o-o...
0:10:17 > 0:10:22Adam! No-o-o!
0:10:24 > 0:10:30Ada-a-am no-o-o!
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Da-a-a!
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Anybody else want some?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48That's what I thought.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57And the same goes for all you old bastards with teenage daughters.
0:10:57 > 0:11:02Us wee guys only put up with your growling because we're trying to get our hole.
0:11:02 > 0:11:08The fact is, old yin, your daughter's boyfriend is younger and fitter and stronger than you,
0:11:08 > 0:11:12and could floor you without breaking a sweat.
0:11:12 > 0:11:18Instead of worrying about what he's after, just thank him for the fact that he allows you to breathe.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20On you go, thank him the now.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Phone him if you need tae!
0:11:22 > 0:11:28Your daughters are ours now! Yas!
0:11:29 > 0:11:32All right? I'm Jolly Boy John.
0:11:32 > 0:11:37Jolly Boy John asking for a loan of two bob for a wee chocolate banana
0:11:37 > 0:11:38is for real! For real!
0:11:38 > 0:11:40All right, mate?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Want to give us a loan of two bob for a wee chocolate banana?
0:11:43 > 0:11:48All right, darlin'? Want to gives us a loan of two bob for a wee chocolate banana?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Jolly Boy John wearing all his da's bunnets on his head
0:11:50 > 0:11:54and a wee chocolate banana for a moustache is for real!
0:11:54 > 0:11:59Do you want to see the wee chocolate banana dance, Margaret?
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Wee chocolate banana! For real.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11For real!
0:12:11 > 0:12:12For real!
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Jolly Boy John with hundreds of wee chocolate bananas sellotaped
0:12:16 > 0:12:19to his body, licking a cardboard cut-out of JK Rowling is for real.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22I'm licking JK Rowling.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24I'm licking JK Rowling.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I'm licking JK Rowling. I'm licking JK Rowling.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I'm licking JK Rowling. I'm licking JK Rowling.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I'm licking JK Rowling. I'm licking JK Rowling.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Wee chocolate banana!
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Wee chocolate banana!
0:12:41 > 0:12:4750 Cent, Kanye West, Jay-Z, Wu Tang Clan - yous say you want to be
0:12:47 > 0:12:49as real as Jolly Boy John?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Get real!
0:12:53 > 0:12:56When Burnistoun's two greatest Kenny Rogers tribute acts
0:12:56 > 0:13:02came face to face, many thought there would be violence and bloodshed.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06No-one predicted that they would fall in love.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12'I knew I had to see this Kenny Rogers impersonator
0:13:12 > 0:13:15'who was supposedly better than me.'
0:13:15 > 0:13:17I sat in the front row
0:13:17 > 0:13:20and when he walked out on to the stage, I thought,
0:13:20 > 0:13:22"My God, I've been duped here.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24"This is the real Kenny Rogers."
0:13:28 > 0:13:32I walked on the stage, and I looked in the front row and my legs just turned to jelly.
0:13:32 > 0:13:37I thought to myself "Oh, my God, the real Kenny Rogers has come to see me."
0:13:37 > 0:13:44My friends had to spend the first half hour of the gig persuading me that it wasn't the real Kenny Rogers.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48I had to stop the gig 20 minutes in to phone Kenny Rogers' management
0:13:48 > 0:13:53to confirm whether or not he was in Scotland attending a gig at the Burnistoun Masonic.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57I eventually realised the truth.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59He's not Kenny Rogers.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02He's better than Kenny Rogers.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04He's better at being Kenny Rogers
0:14:04 > 0:14:06than Kenny Rogers is at being Kenny Rogers.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10I said to myself, "If that's not Kenny Rogers,
0:14:10 > 0:14:13"then that's an angel come to earth in the form of Kenny Rogers.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17"Either way, that's the Kenny Rogers I'm going to marry."
0:14:19 > 0:14:22And when he brought me up on to the stage and
0:14:22 > 0:14:27sang Lady to me and kissed me softly on my beard,
0:14:27 > 0:14:30well, you could have heard a hearing aid drop.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Our wedding day was beautiful.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36Very traditional. We did the throwing of the beard
0:14:36 > 0:14:38to see who the next Kenny Rogers would be.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40One, two, three!
0:14:43 > 0:14:44My niece caught it.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47She was so excited.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52We can be quite competitive
0:14:52 > 0:14:55about being the best Kenny Rogers in the house.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01- I'll pull your white beard off your- BLEEP- face.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Don't you dare say I'm weak on The Gambler.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06You should be singing Jingle Bells.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- You look more like- BLEEP - Santa Claus!
0:15:09 > 0:15:13I wish I'd stuck with Dolly! Even though she had weer tits than you!
0:15:13 > 0:15:18Every marriage has its ups and downs, and, well, ours is no different.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20But as long as we love each other
0:15:20 > 0:15:25and as long as there's a Kenny Rogers, I'm sure we'll be just fine.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28# You got to know when to hold 'em
0:15:30 > 0:15:33# Know when to fold 'em
0:15:33 > 0:15:35# Know when to walk away
0:15:35 > 0:15:38# And know when to run
0:15:38 > 0:15:41# You never count your money
0:15:41 > 0:15:44# When you're sitting at the table
0:15:44 > 0:15:47# There'll be time enough for counting
0:15:47 > 0:15:49# When the dealing's done. #
0:16:11 > 0:16:14That's a really wee wardrobe you've got.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18What are you talking about? My wardrobe's just a normal size.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21That one?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24That's...not my wardrobe.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Just how wee is this wardrobe, son?
0:16:31 > 0:16:34They say that it's really, really wee.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42No-o-o-o-o-o!
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Begone, wee wardrobe!
0:17:15 > 0:17:19# One, two, three, the wardrobe is wee
0:17:19 > 0:17:23# Four and five, it's about to arrive.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28It's the wee wardrobe.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31It's the wee wardrobe!
0:17:33 > 0:17:35'The Small Wardrobe.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36- 'Rated R.'
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Come on, Shaky Dancer! Come on!
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- It's gonna hold on! - Go on, Shaky Dancer!
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Go on, son! Go on! GO ON!
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- No!- No! NO! NO! NO!
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- No!- NO! You lousy bastard.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53You lousy, lazy, lame bastard!
0:17:53 > 0:17:55No luck there, man. Nearly held on there as well.
0:17:55 > 0:18:00Oh, no. 1300 quid, you'd have won there and all.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Sickener!
0:18:10 > 0:18:13What did you call me?
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Face the front.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Are you Shaky Dancer?
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Mr Dancer to you.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26What did you call me?
0:18:26 > 0:18:29I called you a lousy, lazy, lame bastard. Ow!
0:18:29 > 0:18:31That's what I heard.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Just so you know, wee man.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37I could have taken the rest of they fannies any day of the week.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39I chose to lose.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41I bet against myself.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- Ya f...- Not my biggest pay day.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46But it was worth 1300 quid.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Now, don't let me see you at my racecourse again.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Ya dirty cheating bastard!
0:18:56 > 0:18:58THUMPING CAR HORN BLARES
0:18:58 > 0:19:01I needed that money!
0:19:01 > 0:19:03HORSE WHINNIES
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Aye, you better run!
0:19:12 > 0:19:16I'll be back for my 1300 quid tomorrow, or you'll be glue!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Aye, away back to your jockey!
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Go on!
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Come here, you!
0:19:29 > 0:19:33I'm Alex Ciderson. Are you suffering the horror
0:19:33 > 0:19:35of having a metal brace in your mouth?
0:19:35 > 0:19:40That's ghastly! Is it really making your life a misery?
0:19:44 > 0:19:48Oh, wouldn't it be great if you could get your horrible squinty teeth
0:19:48 > 0:19:51fixed without everybody knowing you had a brace in?
0:19:51 > 0:19:57Well, now you can, with Brace Mouth from the Alex Ciderson Company.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Just clip our ultra-realistic mouth onto your braces, and viola!
0:20:01 > 0:20:05You look better than ever.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Smashing mouth, friend.
0:20:07 > 0:20:13- It's been quite some time since I seen a sweet mouth like that, old chap.- Mouth!
0:20:13 > 0:20:20It can even improve your useless, unnecessarily wet teenage kissing.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Brace Mouth from Ciderson's.
0:20:22 > 0:20:27Don't get bullied and beaten up in the school toilets like I did.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29It wasn't fair.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I hated school.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Walter, you need to come out from underneath that blanket
0:20:38 > 0:20:39and start your work.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41I can't come out from under this blanket,
0:20:41 > 0:20:45because you made me watch that horror film last night anyway!
0:20:45 > 0:20:47It wasn't a horror film, Walter.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49It was The Jools Holland Show!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Well, I don't even know who Jools Holland is,
0:20:51 > 0:20:53but I'm scared of him anyway!
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Serve that lassie.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- Can I help ye?- Do you sell tampons?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- Paul.- What is it?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21My brother. My big brother...
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- What is it?- My handsome big brother.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26- What is it?- What is a...
0:21:29 > 0:21:35- One second. What was that word you just said anyway?- Tampons?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Thank you!
0:21:37 > 0:21:41Paul, what's a tampons?
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Who said that?
0:21:43 > 0:21:48- That lassie.- That is inappropriate! Let me deal with this.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54Well, what is it, Paul? What is a tampons anyway?
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Don't you dare use that word in front of my brother,
0:22:03 > 0:22:08when his mammy's ashes are sitting right there on top of the Roysters!
0:22:08 > 0:22:10I was just asking. Some vans sell them.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Well, we certainly don't.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14This is a family van.
0:22:14 > 0:22:21- Now, beat it! - What is it, what's a tampons?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24It doesn't matter.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28- Is it something to do with Jools Holland?- No.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Just play with your jigsaw.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Paul?
0:22:41 > 0:22:43What?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Do you believe in Jools Holland?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Aye.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Aye, Walter, I do believe in Jools Holland, because he's real.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54He's a real guy. He's a telly presenter.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58He's not a monster. It wasn't a horror film, for the last time!
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Well, I think all they films should be banned anyway, because
0:23:02 > 0:23:05I think I warped my mind watching that Jools Holland last night!
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Oh, your mind's always been warped!
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Don't you say that when my best pal's here in the van!
0:23:11 > 0:23:14That's not a best pal. That's a Breville toaster.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16It's not a Breville toaster!
0:23:16 > 0:23:18That's my best pal!
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Reginald P Bartholomew Esquire!
0:23:21 > 0:23:23And you've hurt his feelings.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24It's a Breville toaster!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26And I'm sick of having to pull it out your bed
0:23:26 > 0:23:28every time I want a toastie!
0:23:28 > 0:23:30It was you!
0:23:30 > 0:23:32It was you that was putting cheese in him!
0:23:32 > 0:23:39- I thought he had an infection! You're a tampons!- Walter!- You're a tampon!
0:23:39 > 0:23:45Look, everybody, see my brother. He's a big, fat tampon!
0:23:48 > 0:23:53- What?- Did you just embarrass my daughter a few minutes ago?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Erm...
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Walter, look! It's Jools Holland!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Aaagh!
0:24:05 > 0:24:06I'll start the van!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13No, wait! Reginald isn't...
0:24:13 > 0:24:18Reginald! I'll never forget you anyways!
0:24:34 > 0:24:38I need to buy some new tights as well.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Yeah, I need to buy you some new tights, you mean.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44When did your last wage come in again?
0:24:44 > 0:24:47- ELECTRIC BUZZ Ow!- What?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49I just got a shock off that there!
0:24:49 > 0:24:52- Och, away.- Er, yeah, I did.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57See? It's fine.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Yeah, it's fine now, idiot.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04- Are you saying I'm a liar or something?- I'm away.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Lovely pakora, this, McGregor.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27That's because it's from a curry shop
0:25:27 > 0:25:31that's a front for a drugs empire, so the kitchens are spotless.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Aye. That's the key to a good takeaway, sure it is.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38If the kitchens are clean, it's run by gangsters.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41That's why we police always go easy on the gangsters, isn't it?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Cos ye need your scran.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Got tae protect your scran.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Mind what we were told,
0:25:56 > 0:26:00no making an arse of the crime scene before the detectives arrive.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Don't worry, McGregor.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Quality police all the way.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Poor bugger. Shot in the head.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Gangland hit is what I'm seeing here.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Aye, so you'll be hearing nothing more about this one,
0:26:14 > 0:26:16seeing as how tasty this pakora is.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Oh, here.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Oh, here what?
0:26:24 > 0:26:28I've spilled chilli sauce all over this body. Is that all right?
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Aye, there's more sauce out in the motor, sure.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33No, I mean, cos it's like a crime scene and all that,
0:26:33 > 0:26:34- you know that way?- Oh, aye.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38- Right enough. - I'll just mix it in with the blood.
0:26:38 > 0:26:45- There you go. - Easy-ozy, quality polis.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Right, then. Let's see these CDs over here.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49See if there's any Hall and Oates in here.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Toshan! Toshan, look!
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Oh, here.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57What did I tell ye! If this wasn't a crime scene, I'd pepper you!
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Right, calm down, all right? We're quality polis.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01We'll sort it out.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Take his shoes off.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09- What?- I'll swap shoes with him.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Then it'll be his footprints all over the floor! Aye.
0:27:18 > 0:27:23Hold on. What's the picture here? The guy gets shot in the head,
0:27:23 > 0:27:25then he gets up and walks over to his CDs?
0:27:25 > 0:27:28What's he doing, picking songs for his cremation?
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Well, you're overthinking things here, McGregor, as per.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34Right, it'll just be like one of them murder scene mysteries,
0:27:34 > 0:27:37like The Mystery of the Guy Who...
0:27:37 > 0:27:41I Hope To God Has A Wooden Leg.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47- Oh...buckin' unbelievable. - You better hide that leg.- Why?
0:27:47 > 0:27:52Because all your DNA will be all over it now.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Oh, no, that wee dog's escaped!
0:27:57 > 0:28:03You stupid bastard, it's a hamster! Right, clean him off.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Aaah! A zombie!
0:28:12 > 0:28:15I told you zombies were real!
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Hey, give me my leg!
0:28:17 > 0:28:22Ow. Must have fell and hit my head a dillion.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Pakora, belter.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:36 > 0:28:39E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk