0:00:02 > 0:00:09THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS ADULT HUMOUR
0:00:15 > 0:00:19Oh, OK, OK, OK. Is it time for...
0:00:21 > 0:00:22You Are My Lord?
0:00:22 > 0:00:24- Yes! - LIGHT APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:29Right, now, this is David's first Barr family party.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Now, David, this is a little bit of a family tradition, so please do join in.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36- Everybody joins in.- OK.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37Paddy!
0:00:39 > 0:00:40PLAYS GUITAR
0:00:43 > 0:00:47- # You are my Lord - You are my Lord
0:00:47 > 0:00:50- # You are my Lord - You are my Lord
0:00:50 > 0:00:53- # You are my Lord - You are my Lord
0:00:53 > 0:00:57- # You are my Lord - You are my Lord
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- # You are my Lord - You are my Lord
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- # You are my Lord - You are my Lord
0:01:03 > 0:01:10# Oh, Satan, you are my Lord
0:01:10 > 0:01:13# Oh, Satan,
0:01:13 > 0:01:16# We are your children
0:01:16 > 0:01:19# We long to serve you
0:01:19 > 0:01:21# Carry out your evil will
0:01:23 > 0:01:26# We hate that God fella
0:01:26 > 0:01:29# And his boy Jesus
0:01:29 > 0:01:32# So in your dark name
0:01:32 > 0:01:36# Christians we will kill
0:01:36 > 0:01:39- # You are my Lord - You are my Lord...
0:01:39 > 0:01:42- I need to go to the toilet. - All right, aye.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44# You are my Lord
0:01:44 > 0:01:46# You are my Lord
0:01:46 > 0:01:49# You are my Lord
0:01:49 > 0:01:51- # You are my Lord - You are my Lord
0:01:51 > 0:01:56- # You are my Lord - You are my Lord
0:01:56 > 0:02:01# Oh, Satan, you are my Lord. #
0:02:07 > 0:02:09What's the panic? Why am I rushing over?
0:02:11 > 0:02:15- I need to ask you something important, Peter.- What?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Right, we're out one night, right?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21And I go to the toilet.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Right, aye.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28Right, now I'm away for ages, right, so, you come and check on me,
0:02:28 > 0:02:31and you're like that, "Scott, are you all right?"
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Right, aye, maybe.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36But I'm no' all right, man.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40I'm pretty far from all right. I'm lying there on the floor
0:02:40 > 0:02:44of that toilet cubicle with a shite half hanging out my arse.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47What are you doing that for? That's disgusting.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Cos I've collapsed, I don't know, man, maybe I was putting too much
0:02:50 > 0:02:54effort in and I've passed out, or maybe I've had a heart attack,
0:02:54 > 0:02:59but either way I'm lying there, face down, with a jobby poking out.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01What is this about?
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Would you nip it off for me, mate?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Eh?
0:03:07 > 0:03:12- Would you nip it off for me before the ambulance arrives, save me that embarrassment?- No.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15I wouldn't want to touch a mate's... No, all right?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18I can't believe I'm hearing this, that's what pals are for.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22Ask anybody, nipping one off. That's in the code of friendship.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Are you mental? Who even thinks about stuff like that?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28I'd do it for you, man, I'd nip one off for you anytime.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30I don't want you to nip one off for me, Scott.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34If I'm so freakishly unlucky that I collapse while I'm squeezing one out,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37I don't want you poking about down there.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Oh, so you'd rather some medic found you that way?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42You'd rather risk some beautiful young medic finding you like that,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44instead of your pal just nipping it off for you?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47I'd probably only see that paramedic that one time.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50I need to see you every day, looking you in the eye,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52knowing that had happened between us.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56No, you don't get involved down there, all right? Nae nipping off for me.
0:03:58 > 0:04:03Peter, man... I don't know if you could even call us pals anymore.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Well, maybe we're no!
0:04:14 > 0:04:17I cannae believe I'm about to say this.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22All right. I'll nip it off.
0:04:22 > 0:04:28Oh, Peter, man, I knew I could trust you.
0:04:28 > 0:04:33But you don't touch mine. Deal?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Deal.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Speaking of which, man, I need to go to the toilet.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53TOILET FLUSHES
0:04:57 > 0:05:01All right? I'm Jolly Boy John!
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Jolly Boy John wearing his da's old roller skates and all his ma's pants
0:05:04 > 0:05:08and bras and singing Does Yer Maw Drink Wine at a wee dug is for real,
0:05:08 > 0:05:11for real, for real, for real,
0:05:11 > 0:05:12for real!
0:05:12 > 0:05:14# Does your maw drink wine?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16# Does she drink it all the time?
0:05:16 > 0:05:20# Does she get a funny feeling when her head hits off the ceiling?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22# Does yer da drink gin?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24# Does he drink it out the bin? #
0:05:24 > 0:05:26For real!
0:05:26 > 0:05:27SIRENS BLARE
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Quiet today, isn't it, Toshan?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Not a crime to be had.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39I reckon that's cos we're quality polis, eh, Toshan?
0:05:40 > 0:05:41Eh, Toshan?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Toshan!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46TOSHAN!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Oh! Wha...?!
0:05:51 > 0:05:55- You peppered me! A real one! - Aye, a real one.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- Real! It was real! - You were ignoring me!
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Oh, pepper! Pepper!
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Oh, shush, it wasnae that bad!
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- What?!- It wasnae that bad, man up!
0:06:06 > 0:06:08We're supposed to be polis.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Quality polis.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Well, get out! Out!
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Out of the motor!
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Out! On your way!
0:06:17 > 0:06:18HE MUMBLES
0:06:25 > 0:06:29My eyes are melting! My eyes are melting! Oh!
0:06:29 > 0:06:34For God's sake, Toshan, it's no that bad!
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Well, you try it, then, you big brown moustached bastard!
0:06:38 > 0:06:41I would do, nae problem to a quality polis like me.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Right, then, big man, you do it, then, well!
0:06:44 > 0:06:46I will do it, well, I will!
0:06:47 > 0:06:51Right, here we go, then. Here we are now, right?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Ah! Oh, see, nothing, nothing, oh!
0:06:58 > 0:07:01There you are, easy ozie!
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Easy ozie. Ah!
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Ah! Ah!
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Jesus!
0:07:13 > 0:07:17That's the fake one, you sly bastard!
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Oh, Mammy, Daddy, I've peppered myself!
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Oh!
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Packet of chewing gum.
0:08:14 > 0:08:19- Is that all?- Em....
0:08:19 > 0:08:21A few packets of crisps...
0:08:32 > 0:08:33A wee bit of chocolate an' all.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- Is that you?- Any milk?- Up the back.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- Any bread, hen? - It's up to your left there.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Hello. It's Stevie.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Aye, listen, are you wanting anything at this garage?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Is that all?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Er...
0:09:32 > 0:09:37They've got normal digestive or milk chocolate digestive..
0:09:37 > 0:09:40You got any plain chocolate digestives?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42If they're not out, we've not got any.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45The lassie's saying if they're not out, they've not got any.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Right.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Well, what kind of biscuits does your maw like?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Och, no, it's all right, I'll just phone her and ask her myself.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Right. Cheerio, darling.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Hello, Margaret. It's Stevie.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Aye... Aye, it's healing up fine, aye.
0:10:09 > 0:10:14No, listen, right, what it is is, right, what it is is, I'm out buying biscuits.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17What kind of biscuits do you like?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20No, no, they've not got any plain chocolate digestives.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24What they've got is normal digestives and, em...
0:10:24 > 0:10:29thingy, the thingy, milk chocolate digestives.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Right. Nothing? Nothing, then?
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Right... Aye! Aye, oh, it's healing up fine, Margaret, it's fine, aye.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Aye... Right, aye, right, no, no.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Right, see you, Margaret, cheerio, cheerio.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59- Is that everything? - Is that everything? Em...
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Is that everything? Er...
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Is that everything? Is that everything? Em...
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Aye. Aye, aye, that's it.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- Och, no. Aye, aye.- No fuel?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23No, no. No, no fuel, no.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Och, no, I might as well fill her up while I'm here, aye.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Right, two seconds.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56# Sitting in the street Watching pretty girls go by
0:11:56 > 0:11:59# All these little honeys, Oh, they really catch my eye
0:11:59 > 0:12:01# Lookin' you all over Every small detail
0:12:01 > 0:12:04# Staring at you so hard I should probably get to jail
0:12:04 > 0:12:05# Storing you baby in the wank bank
0:12:05 > 0:12:08# Gonna catch you later in the wank bank
0:12:08 > 0:12:10# Don't need no vibrator in the wank bank
0:12:10 > 0:12:13# Gonna ruin some socks on you
0:12:14 > 0:12:17# Ruin some socks on you, baby
0:12:22 > 0:12:24# Standing in the bakery Just buying us a snack
0:12:24 > 0:12:27# Baby, you're so hot You almost caused a heart attack
0:12:27 > 0:12:29# The meat inside in my sausage roll Is so warm and juicy
0:12:29 > 0:12:31# And I just want to take it, babe and stick it...
0:12:31 > 0:12:34# In my pocket
0:12:32 > 0:12:34# Storing you, baby, in the wank bank
0:12:34 > 0:12:36# Middle aged mama in the wank bank
0:12:36 > 0:12:38# Ain't no legal drama in the wank bank
0:12:38 > 0:12:41# Gonna ruin some socks on you
0:12:43 > 0:12:47# Ruin some good socks on you, mama
0:12:51 > 0:12:53# Sitting now just watching all the traffic fly through
0:12:53 > 0:12:55# It's funny how there's always something sexy there for you
0:12:55 > 0:12:58# Don't be worried, mister we're just staring at your ride
0:12:58 > 0:13:01# The tightest little car exhaust we've ever wanted inside
0:13:01 > 0:13:02# Storing that pipe in the wank bank
0:13:02 > 0:13:05# No one's gonna see us in the wank bank
0:13:05 > 0:13:07# You can't burn your penis in the wank bank
0:13:07 > 0:13:11# Gonna ruin some socks on you
0:13:11 > 0:13:12# Ruin some socks on you, baby
0:13:12 > 0:13:15# Destroy those socks
0:13:19 > 0:13:21# How'd I fail to notice this guy sitting here?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24# If I just stare at you, would my intentions be clear?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26# I love it when you stare at me I think I'll stare right back
0:13:26 > 0:13:29# And think about it later When a sock sits on my sack
0:13:29 > 0:13:31# Storing each other in the wank bank
0:13:31 > 0:13:33# That ain't so surprising in the wank bank
0:13:33 > 0:13:35# We've even had Mike Tyson in the wank bank
0:13:35 > 0:13:38# Gonna ruin some socks on us
0:13:38 > 0:13:42# That's where all your husband's socks are going, baby. #
0:13:47 > 0:13:49VAN CHIME PLAYS
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Can I help you?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Aye, can I have a packet of beef Monster Munch, please?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- We don't have any beefy. - We don't have any beefy.
0:13:56 > 0:13:57What have youse got?
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- We've got pickly onions. - We've got pickly onions.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04- Then we've got burny hot flavour. - And we've got burny hot flavour.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Stop repeating everything I'm saying.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Stop repeating everything I'm saying!
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- I'm sorry about this. - I'm sorry about this.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15- Let me just have a wee word with my brother.- Let me just have a wee word with my brother.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18If you don't stop copying me I'll give you sherbet eyes
0:14:18 > 0:14:20and I know how much you hate having sherbet eyes!
0:14:20 > 0:14:23If you don't stop copying me I'll give you sherbet eyes
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- and I know how much you hate having sherbet eyes!- Can I have my crisps?
0:14:26 > 0:14:30Could you just wait a second and not be so bloody rude?!
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Could you just wait a second and not be so bloody rude?!
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Right, copy this.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Right, copy this.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- Mn-mnah-mn-mnah!- Mn-mnah-mn-mnah!
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Abubba-dubba-umma-nmah-dibby!
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Abubba-dubba-umma-nmah-dibby!
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Walter is a stupid, silly, daft, rubbish wee idiot, stupid,
0:14:51 > 0:14:55nae pals, nobody loves him, everybody hates him, Mammy never liked him, cannae play the accordion,
0:14:55 > 0:14:58scared of the dark, smelly, smelly, smelly!
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Walter is a stupid, silly, daft, rubbish wee idiot, stupid, nae pals,
0:15:03 > 0:15:05nobody loves him, everybody hates him, Mammy never liked him, cannae play the accordion,
0:15:05 > 0:15:08scared of the dark smelly, smelly, smelly! Anyway!
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Ha! Got you! I never said "anyway"!
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Ha! Got you! I never said "anyway" anyway!
0:15:14 > 0:15:18That's two anyways! I certainly never said "anyway anyway".
0:15:18 > 0:15:21That's two anyways! I certainly never said "anyway anyway" anyway!
0:15:21 > 0:15:23How would you like it if I started copying you?
0:15:23 > 0:15:25How would you like it if I started copying you?
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- How would you like it if I copied you?- You'd better stop copying me anyway!
0:15:28 > 0:15:30You'd better stop copying me anyway!
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Sherbet eyes!
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Sherbet eyes!
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Give me some water for my eyes!
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Ginger berbet eyes!
0:16:12 > 0:16:13Mr Cumber.
0:16:16 > 0:16:21Mr Cumber, I think you'll be very pleased with the campaign we've come up with for Cumber's Pies.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23We're certainly very excited, aren't we, Don?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Mr Cumber. It's Hugh, isn't it?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Hugh Cumber. Yes.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Hugh, we've got something very high-concept here.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Our Cumber's Pies commercial is so big,
0:16:33 > 0:16:36it can't fit on one TV channel.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40- How do you mean?- We broadcast simultaneously across two channels.
0:16:40 > 0:16:46On one channel, the left-hand side of the advert, on the next channel, the right hand side.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Not just widescreen.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Wider than screen.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Hugh. This is event TV.
0:16:51 > 0:16:58Families pulling together two TV sets to celebrate that Cumber's name in style.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I like it!
0:17:00 > 0:17:02OK. Run up!
0:17:04 > 0:17:06And action!
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Mmmm!
0:17:09 > 0:17:12When I think delicious pies, I think Cumber's.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15The word itself is enough to make your mouth water.
0:17:15 > 0:17:20When I see this, I know that my food has been hand-baked in the kitchen that very day.
0:17:20 > 0:17:26When I see this, I know it's going to be hot, fresh and tasty. Just the way I like it.
0:17:26 > 0:17:31When I look at this, I see a hundred-year tradition of quality pies.
0:17:31 > 0:17:36When I look at this, I'm reminded of special days with my mammy and my granny.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Because they've loved Cumber's Pies all their lives too.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43And this is what I want to come home to at the end of the day.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Those delicious pies, hot from the oven.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Filling my house up with that familiar smell.
0:17:49 > 0:17:54That nostalgic, unforgettable smell of Cumber's Pies.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Mmmm. Getting it right up my nostrils.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- Filling my lungs up with it. - Cumber's.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Keeping my family's belly full for over 100 years.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06And cut!
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Very good, very good.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Margaret! It's about to start!
0:18:14 > 0:18:16The advert's about to start!
0:18:16 > 0:18:20- Where's the remote for this other telly? It's about to...- 'Mmmm!'
0:18:20 > 0:18:23'The word itself is enough to make your mouth water.
0:18:23 > 0:18:29'When I see this, I know it's going to be hot, fresh and tasty. Just the way I like it.
0:18:29 > 0:18:35'When I look at this, I'm reminded of special days with my mammy and my granny. And this
0:18:35 > 0:18:38'is what I want to come home to at the end of the day.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42'Filling my house up with that familiar smell. Mmmm.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46'Getting it right up my nostrils.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47'Filling my lungs with it.
0:18:47 > 0:18:52'Keeping my family's belly full for over 100 years.'
0:18:55 > 0:19:00- Is this where the speed-dating carry-on is happening, son? - Yes, it is.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02We're just about to get started.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05OK, everyone, in five we're off.
0:19:05 > 0:19:0830 seconds with each lady, so keep it snappy, gents.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11And...here...we...go!
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Is that my hearing aid there?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18I think you're supposed to come to me.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Oh, right.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Pleased to meet you, hen.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23I'm Biscuity Boyle.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Burnistoun's favourite son.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Here we go, it's started already. I'm sorry, hen.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- 20 seconds!- It's fine, I..
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Let me get this out for you...
0:19:37 > 0:19:44I dunno why you'd be interested in me anyway, a broken-down old bastard like me.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46I cannae get this out, hen.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50Big fat hands like a bloated corpse, you know that way.
0:19:50 > 0:19:55- Ten seconds!- It's OK. Look, I probably won't drink it now anyway.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59This is stuck here, hen.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06Oh, I don't think this is going to work out between you and me anyway.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08You, gorgeous, so stunning.
0:20:08 > 0:20:14Me, a fat-handed waster that should get put down like a dog.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Shake hands and switch partners.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- Ah!- Sorry, hen.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Oh, in the name...
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Hi, I'm Sally.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29Hi. Biscuity Boyle, Burnistoun's favourite son.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- Are you not having a seat? - I cannae, hen.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I've got some right dramatic haemorrhoids coming on,
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- just you talk away.- 20 seconds!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40I quite like an older gentleman.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Do you have any bad habits?
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Truthfully?
0:20:43 > 0:20:49I've got a bit of a problem with flatulating gas out of my back passage.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52My bladder's all shot to hell.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55It's like a burst ball that's been left on a garage roof all winter.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I should live in a budgie cage with the amount of mess I make down there.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00To be honest with you,
0:21:00 > 0:21:04pecking away at a mirror would be mair company than I get the now.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Aw.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- I'm sorry, hen. Are you all right? - It's fine.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Oh, no, no, no. Let me get that.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21No, that's my...my spare teeth.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- I'm sorry, hen.- Ten seconds!
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- Let me...- It's dirty!- What am I like?
0:21:27 > 0:21:32Trying to clean a young lassie's lovely face with a manky hanky.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36I'm a joke. Here, let me use this.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38It's fine, just go.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I'm sorry, hen. They should just stick me in a coffin, so they should.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Next partners, please!
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Oh, in the name of the wee man.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54PFFRT!
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Did you catch that I let one off right on your dish there?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Oh, hen.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Your lovely wee face ruined.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05I used to be an athlete.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07I suppose I should put this fire out.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10It's me that should be set on fire! I should be bloody cremated.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20It gets me every time.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23I never used to be like this, hen.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25I used to be desirable.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27I used to actually like myself.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Oh, don't stop. Just keep going, son.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Just bloody drown me, just bloody well drown me.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Show me some mercy. Show me some mercy.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Have you recently lost a loved one?
0:22:59 > 0:23:06Are you having difficulty deciding whether to opt for a burial or a cremation?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09- Bury him!- Burn him! - Bury him!- Burn him!
0:23:09 > 0:23:15If you simply can't make a decision on this, then why not choose
0:23:15 > 0:23:20a half-and-half funeral from Herman Nichol's Funeral Directors?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Half-cremation, half-burial.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27The best of both worlds.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Half-and-half.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32It's not just for pizza.
0:23:38 > 0:23:43I'm very impressed by your work in my very impressive company, Barry.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45- You'll go far with us.- Thanks, sir.
0:23:45 > 0:23:52- I hope so.- I like a boy with a bit of fire in his belly. Here, I've got a cracker of a joke for you.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56There's this cannibal and he walks into a bookie's, and he's got a goldfish under...
0:23:56 > 0:23:57'Oh, God, not a joke.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59'Everybody says his jokes are rotten.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02'I'm the world's worst at pretending I think a joke is funny.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04'Right, build up to a laugh.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06'Act like you're enjoying it.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07'Smile, for Christ's sake!'
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Are you all right, Barry?
0:24:11 > 0:24:16Just a wee bit of heartburn, there.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18You better watch your pen doesn't go on fire!
0:24:20 > 0:24:23'Shit! That was a wee joke.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25'Do a wee practice laugh here.'
0:24:25 > 0:24:26HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLE
0:24:29 > 0:24:31'Worst laugh ever.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35'You cannot let him get to the end of this joke. Say you've heard it.'
0:24:35 > 0:24:36I've heard it!
0:24:40 > 0:24:41I've heard it.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Oh, you've heard that one?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45What about this one? There's this Irish fella...
0:24:45 > 0:24:48'Oh, God. No. This is the back-up joke.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50'This is going to be even worse.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52'Need to think of something.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54'Cannae just say I've heard it again.'
0:24:54 > 0:24:55I've heard it!
0:24:55 > 0:24:59You've heard that one too.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Well, try this one on, then.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04There's this fella, he buys a speedboat, right?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06And the speedboat's full of crabs that are dressed as nuns...
0:25:06 > 0:25:09'Right. You've reached the maximum with the I've-heard-its.'
0:25:09 > 0:25:11I've heard it!
0:25:11 > 0:25:15'What are you doing? This is now worse than a bad fake laugh.'
0:25:15 > 0:25:18You've certainly heard a lot of jokes, Barry.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21It's just working in an office, you know?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Oh, I bet you've not heard this one.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27This wee fella, right, this parrot, right, he's on a pogo stick...
0:25:27 > 0:25:30'Don't say you've heard it! Don't say you've heard it!'
0:25:30 > 0:25:32I've heard it!
0:25:32 > 0:25:34There's these two antelopes...
0:25:34 > 0:25:37- I've heard it. - There's this pharaoh...
0:25:37 > 0:25:41- I've heard it.- There's an Irish swan...- I've heard it.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44- There's a...- I've heard it.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Aaaaaah!
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Did Tony O'Hare put you up to this?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57'Nod.'
0:25:57 > 0:26:00I knew it. I knew this would be a wind-up.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Right, OK. You're lucky I've got a sense of humour, son.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Let's go back to that original joke.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07'Fake a heart attack.'
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Oh! Ohhh!
0:26:15 > 0:26:16Son.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18No, no. No, no!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20No. Son, stay with me.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- 'It worked.'- Stay with me. And I'll tell you the rest of this joke.
0:26:23 > 0:26:28'Pretend to die. Pretend to actually die. It's the only way.'
0:26:32 > 0:26:38No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42All I lived for was to make this boy laugh.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44'Too late - I'm deid!'
0:26:44 > 0:26:48I've actually got a joke just for occasions like this.
0:26:48 > 0:26:53- There's a crisp and a nut... - I've heard it!
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Here, I need a chat-up line.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Quick.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Just whisper that in her ear.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21All right?
0:27:22 > 0:27:24All right.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Hey, Danny, what did you tell him to say?
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Billy! Why are you winching my brother? What did he say?
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Hey, what was that all about?
0:27:55 > 0:27:59I've never seen you kiss like that before.
0:27:59 > 0:28:00What did he say?
0:28:21 > 0:28:24You want to know what's written on that card, don't you?
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Here, you! You're barred!
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:52 > 0:28:56E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk