0:00:03 > 0:00:07This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:14 > 0:00:19Hello! My name's Alex Ciderson, and I'm pleased to announce
0:00:19 > 0:00:20our new product,
0:00:20 > 0:00:22the Scarepie. Hee-hee-hee!
0:00:22 > 0:00:24You've all heard of a scarecrow.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27A scarecrow was designed for scaring away birds.
0:00:27 > 0:00:32Such as, as the name scarecrow suggests, kestrels.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35But Alex Ciderson's Scarepie is designed for something else -
0:00:35 > 0:00:38scaring away wee pies.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Wee pies like me. Hiya!
0:00:42 > 0:00:44HE SIGHS
0:00:47 > 0:00:50We have a solution to the problem of wee pies
0:00:50 > 0:00:54climbing into your garden during the night to piss in your pot plants.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Nae wee pie is going to want to mess with this fella.
0:00:56 > 0:01:01The Scarepie is in the classic Alex Ciderson Alex Ciderson style,
0:01:01 > 0:01:05and comes with three motion- sensitive threatening phrases.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Watch what happens when I approach the Scarepie.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21'Come ahead, you total pie.'
0:01:25 > 0:01:28'Oh, ya bun. Halt.'
0:01:37 > 0:01:40'I'll stiffen you, you rascal, you.'
0:01:40 > 0:01:43BREATHLESS
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Unt...until now...
0:01:47 > 0:01:49- <- Give me a sec.
0:01:49 > 0:01:55Also available now, Alex Ciderson's Alex Ciderson sex doll for women.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Oh, talk to me, Alex.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02'Oh, ya bun. Halt. Come ahead, you total pie.'
0:02:02 > 0:02:06Oh, I love it when you talk dirty!
0:02:06 > 0:02:09'I'll stiffen you, you rascal, you.'
0:02:11 > 0:02:15HUSKY-VOICED: I think your unique energy could combine with my unique energy
0:02:15 > 0:02:18to create a new Big Bang.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21A new sexual universe.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Eugh! There's a moth in my mouth!
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Agh! Nuh...nuh...eugh!
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Pth...gah!
0:02:33 > 0:02:38Eugh! Mnuh...pth!
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Mnuh...mnuh!
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Eugh! Pth...pth...
0:02:48 > 0:02:50HUSKY-VOICED: So how about we go back to my place
0:02:50 > 0:02:54and start thinking about that...Big Bang?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56I don't think so.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00APPLAUSE
0:03:01 > 0:03:04TENTATIVE GUITAR CHORDS
0:03:06 > 0:03:13# You broke my heart My lover, my best friend
0:03:13 > 0:03:18# Tore me apart There's no way to pretend
0:03:20 > 0:03:25# You broke my heart in pieces Darling, do you comprehend?
0:03:25 > 0:03:30# That is why I killed you in the end
0:03:30 > 0:03:37# That drop of cyanide I slipped into your tea
0:03:37 > 0:03:43# I laughed like fuck As you died in front of me
0:03:44 > 0:03:47# And I pissed in your best slippers
0:03:47 > 0:03:50# In your wig and in your bra
0:03:50 > 0:03:55# Now your corpse is stinking out my car
0:03:59 > 0:04:04# And now the polis are staunin' in the pub
0:04:05 > 0:04:10# Should I run or just give myself up?
0:04:12 > 0:04:18# I won't go down alone Oh, I'll take out half the bar
0:04:18 > 0:04:23- # With this bomb that's strapped to my guitar. # - BOMB BEEPS
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Is Susan in?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39No. She's away to the pictures wi' a pal.
0:04:39 > 0:04:45Um...She said her printer was broke. I had a spare one, so I said I'd drop it in.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Better bring it in, then.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Nae bother.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Where do you want me to put it?
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Don't care, mate.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Will I just...
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Just put it on the carpet, mate.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Carpet's good for it.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26I'm Ollie Green. I work with Susan.
0:05:26 > 0:05:31Aye, I know. I've looked at pictures of you.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36I mean, Susan's showed me them.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I'd better be off, then, eh?
0:05:42 > 0:05:43She doesnae love me any more.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49She says she doesnae love me.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54I'm sorry to hear that, man.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Did she tell you about it?
0:05:57 > 0:06:03N...No, it's not the kind of thing she'd talk to me about.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Listen, do you want a beer?
0:06:09 > 0:06:13- Nah, I can't. I really need to go.- Come on, have a beer.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I'm watching Bloodsport, it's just started.
0:06:16 > 0:06:21- Do you like Bloodsport?- Um...it's been years since I last saw it.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25- I liked it when I was a boy, aye. - Aye, I bet you'd be well into it, eh?
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Come on, have a beer. Bit of Bloodsport.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Wee bit of Van Dammage.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36And we'll set that printer up
0:06:36 > 0:06:40and start printing all sorts of shit off, man. For a laugh.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Nah, mate, I cannae.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45You can. My name's Tam. You can.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48I cannae, Tam. It's ma maw's birthday.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51I was just dropping that in on the way up to see her.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Aye, a man's got to prioritise.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56I can respect that.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Uh...
0:07:05 > 0:07:08..ink cartridges. For the printer.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Oh, good man. Good man.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17It's a nightmare when you run out of the old ink, isn't it? No' think so yoursel'?
0:07:18 > 0:07:23- No' think it's a nightmare? - Aye. Aye, it's-it's a nightmare.
0:07:23 > 0:07:28Listen, man, there really is a lot of beer in there for just one guy.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30I need to go and see my maw.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33I-I need to go and see my maw.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Mate...
0:07:37 > 0:07:40..can you tell your maw I said happy birthday?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46All right, aye.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49I'll say it happened anyway!
0:07:50 > 0:07:51What?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55I'll tell people we did it with one another anyway.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00So you might as well get some pleasure out of it.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I'll say it happened anyway.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39TV PLAYS
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Just take a seat, Uncle George.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48My dad's not in the noo. My ma'll be out of the bath in a minute.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Aye, nae bother.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54Is it true then?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Shush, Rosso.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00My ma says we've not to talk about it.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- Is it, Uncle George? Is it true? - What's that?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05That you're going to be our new da?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08- You what?- My ma says you're going to be our new da.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Aye, that's why she's in the bath. She's leaning her boobs for you.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13She's cleaning all the mud off them.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15No, you got the wrong end of the stick.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Naw. She says she wants a hunk to be her live-in lover.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20A baldy hunk.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23She says she wants to do sex with you.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26She says she wants to have a threesome with you, just the two of youse.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28You shouldnae be talking like that at your ages, youse are 12!
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Youse don't know anything about this stuff.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Aye, we know, we know what infertile means.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38It means I cannae get any eggs to come out of my stauner when I rub it on the couch.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40I'm not kidding you about my ma.
0:09:40 > 0:09:46- She loves you.- She tells us about it every night before bed. And then she shoots us with a crossbow.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Are you here to roast our mammy, Uncle George?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51No, I'm just here to get a loan of something off your da.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Aye, get a loan of our ma so you can have a sex-fuelled coke orgy with her.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Will you get us a gun when you're our da, Uncle George?
0:09:58 > 0:10:03Oh, if you get us a gun, we promise we'll no burst into the room when my mammy's pulling your G-spot.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06She wants to bone you right up your orgasm, Uncle George.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Can we call you Uncle Da?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Can we call you Uncle Georgie G-Spot?
0:10:10 > 0:10:14- Can we call you Uncle Orgasm, Da? - Listen boys, I'm going to head.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16So just tell your mum I'll be round later.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Will you give us a tenner each so we don't tell my da
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- about all these things you've been saying to us?- What things?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25All the things we just said.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29We couldn't have come up with all that stuff by ourselves. You must have said them.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32You must have put all that filth into our wee minds.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35HE SIGHS
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Eh...what's the money for?
0:10:40 > 0:10:46- Uncle George asked us to go out and score 10 wraps of Jamaican ecky jellies for him.- George!
0:10:46 > 0:10:48I thought you were clean now?!
0:10:52 > 0:10:54SHE GIGGLES
0:10:54 > 0:10:56- HUSKY-VOICED:- I bet if you mix together
0:10:56 > 0:10:59your shade of hot loving with my shade of hot loving,
0:10:59 > 0:11:01we'd create a new colour...
0:11:01 > 0:11:03sin-digo.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05FLY BUZZES
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Nyah! Oh there's a fly went up my nose!
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Eugh!
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Nmph! Nmph! Nmph! Nmph!
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Oh, I've swallowed it!
0:11:20 > 0:11:24HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Pth! Oh, there it is.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32- STAMPING - Oh...that's the fourth fly this week.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41- HUSKY-VOICED:- So how about we go back to my place and start mixing some colours?
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Nah. Some other time, maybe.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Anyway, Barry will be down in a minute.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Do you want a cup of tea? I'm about to put his dinner on.
0:11:53 > 0:11:58- Aye, thanks, Mary, I just want to ask him something about the fives.- All right, cool.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01CRACKLING
0:12:05 > 0:12:06You're...
0:12:06 > 0:12:10Aye, I'm you. I'm you from the future. And I'm here to tell you something.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Get her pumped.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15What?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Please, don't blow this opportunity.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20In this timeline, if you grab Mary and winch her,
0:12:20 > 0:12:23kiss her like you've never kissed a woman before,
0:12:23 > 0:12:25she'll leave Barry and run away with you.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- Now hurry up! You don't have much time!- But I...
0:12:28 > 0:12:33Please. You've got to do this for both our sakes. Now I need to go.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34The time stream's closing.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41- MARY:- Milk, aye?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- <- Here we go.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47There's your tea.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50What...!
0:12:53 > 0:12:54HE GROANS
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Get your hands off me!
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Oh! Oh!
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- What's going on here?! - John's just winched me!
0:13:03 > 0:13:04You dirty bastard!
0:13:11 > 0:13:13THEY CHEER
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- HE LAUGHS - I got me a belter!
0:13:19 > 0:13:21I remember it now!
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Look at my nose! Do you remember?
0:13:23 > 0:13:28You winched me! I stuck the head on you! I remember now.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30I leathered you for it!
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Yas, mate. Yaas.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Here, let me go back in time and bam myself up.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Right. Wait 'til youse remember this one!
0:13:49 > 0:13:51RADIO PLAYS
0:13:51 > 0:13:53'Mon! Bit of Billy Idol!
0:13:53 > 0:13:56I was just thinking, Toshan.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58We're quality polis, aren't we?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Quality polis, McGregor!
0:14:01 > 0:14:05MUSIC: "Hot In The City" by Billy Idol
0:14:05 > 0:14:06You're steamin'!
0:14:07 > 0:14:10GLASS SMASHES, THEY CHEER
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Listen, we better go, that woman said she was going to phone the polis!
0:14:13 > 0:14:15And what? What's the polis going to do?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17POLICE SIREN APPROACHES
0:14:18 > 0:14:21MUSIC PLAYS, POLICE SING
0:14:21 > 0:14:26# Nothin's gonna stop us now
0:14:26 > 0:14:29# And this world runs out of lovers
0:14:29 > 0:14:34# We'll still have each other Nothin's going to stop us... #
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- You should go on that X-Factor. - Och, away.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39You should - you've got a beautiful singing voice.
0:14:39 > 0:14:45- Let them hear you do your Uptown Girl. - # Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
0:14:45 > 0:14:48# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh... #
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Aargh! Oh, you peppered me!
0:14:51 > 0:14:52That's for all your stupid singing!
0:14:52 > 0:14:54We're meant to be quality polis here!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- Youse saw that! That was assault! Sure it was?- Get in the boot!
0:14:57 > 0:15:04Oh, he's mental, hen. Listen, see if he arrests you, you'll never see your mammy again.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06You'll never see her again!
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- In the boot, you, come on!- Oh...
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- I'm taking your gun off you, you're off the case!- He's flipped it.
0:15:11 > 0:15:17We've not even got guns! We're Scottish! Youse better run!
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Save yourselves, you wee angels!
0:15:19 > 0:15:24- Get in the boot, Toshan!- You'll never get away with this, McGregor, there's all these witnesses!
0:15:24 > 0:15:26There'll no be any witnesses.
0:15:26 > 0:15:31NAE WITNESSES!
0:15:37 > 0:15:38How good was that?
0:15:38 > 0:15:43Old fake pepper-spray routine, never fails. Quality, wasn't it?
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Fist bump!
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Let's go.
0:15:46 > 0:15:52- Quality polis.- Quality polis, McGregor. No' that way!
0:15:52 > 0:15:56MUSIC: "Wipeout"
0:16:34 > 0:16:37- What you eating? - An Epiphany Continuum.
0:16:41 > 0:16:42A what?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44An Epiphany Continuum.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48- From the supermarket.- What's that?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51I don't know...like pasta or something.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53No, it's no' pasta.
0:16:53 > 0:16:58- I don't know what it is. - An Epiphany Continuum?- Aye.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00What kind of name is that for a ready meal?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- Is the box still in the kitchen? - Aye.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Don't eat that!
0:17:15 > 0:17:17- It's out of date.- It'll be fine.
0:17:17 > 0:17:23Mate, "Best Before: The Year Of Our Lord 1655".
0:17:25 > 0:17:26It smells all right.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30I don't know, man. I don't like the look of this packaging either.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Calum, I'm no' binning it. It was two quid!
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Right. Look at the ingredients here, right?
0:17:42 > 0:17:46"Primal matter, asp tongue mould,
0:17:46 > 0:17:51"mandrake, the breath of God."
0:17:52 > 0:17:57- That's all additives, mate. - Calum, I'm eating my Epiphany Continuum, all right?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59You're not my ma!
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Mate...
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Mate...
0:18:11 > 0:18:14HE GASPS
0:18:15 > 0:18:17You fainted, man.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Right after you ate that. You all right?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23We're doomed.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25It's over.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26I saw things.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Terrible things.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32I saw civilisations collapse.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Every living soul driven insane.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38The world on fire.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Cities devastated.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Piles of bodies everywhere.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Flesh pits, burning in the moonlight.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I saw the sun...die.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Stars turning in on themselves.
0:18:50 > 0:18:55The universe fracture into a nothingness.
0:18:55 > 0:19:00And a malignant sentience behind it all,
0:19:00 > 0:19:06watching, waiting...
0:19:06 > 0:19:08What?
0:19:08 > 0:19:12- You know what the worst of it is? - What?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16I'm still fucking starving.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31ICE-CREAM VAN CHIMES PLAY
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Bye, then, you silly wee man.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Right, let's get the candles on Mammy's birthday cake lit.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Where's the rest of the word letters, Walter?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Where is the "and Walter", Walter?
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- Where's the "and Walter?!" - It's in my "and belly!"
0:19:54 > 0:19:56You've spoilt Mammy's cake!
0:19:56 > 0:20:01It's my name and I can eat my name if I want to eat my own name anyway.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Fine. "To Mammy from Paul." She'll think it's just from me.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07It was me that done everything as usual anyway.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Cos you don't care about your own mammy's ghost.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15I do care. I made my mammy a birthday card all by my own
0:20:15 > 0:20:20which is even more specialer than buying one from a rubbish shop man anyway!
0:20:20 > 0:20:22- You made a birthday card?- Mmm-hmm!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31That's just a few slices of corned beef, Walter!
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Read it anyway!
0:20:37 > 0:20:44It says, "Once upon a time, to Mammy from Walter, your best son,
0:20:44 > 0:20:48"your best wee baby boy, Paul is a big, stupid, smelly idiot
0:20:48 > 0:20:51"and I hate him. The End."
0:20:51 > 0:20:53And where does it say that?
0:20:53 > 0:20:58I wrote it with my tongue and it just made a hole in the beef and you cannae read it properly,
0:20:58 > 0:21:01because my tongue IS NOT A PEN, PAUL!
0:21:01 > 0:21:05MY TONGUE IS NOT A PEN!
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Our mammy was a queen.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13Do you think Prince Charles turns round to the Queen on her birthday and says, "There you go, Mammy,
0:21:13 > 0:21:19"there's a few slices of meat I Sellotaped together and made a hole in with my tongue?!"
0:21:19 > 0:21:23I want the word letters of my name on that cake.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Tough!
0:21:25 > 0:21:27You ate all the word letters.
0:21:27 > 0:21:33- And don't forget what Mammy used to say to you when you used to steal all her pills.- What?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Greedy people go to the bad fire.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40Well, I'll just tell Jesus I'm sorry anyway.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Sorry's no' enough. You'll have to make a sacrifice.
0:21:44 > 0:21:51For one whole week you have to give up eating Aeros.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55NO! I'm never giving up eating Aeros!
0:21:55 > 0:21:58It's the only way. Heaven or Aeros?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Jesus wants to know.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05Jesus, you're a bad man ANYWAY!
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Oh, don't you dare say that!
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Heaven or Aeros?
0:22:10 > 0:22:15Oh, Heaven or Aeros? Heaven or Aeros? Heaven or Aeros? Heaven or Aeros? Heaven or Aeros?
0:22:15 > 0:22:20Oh! Aeros! I just want to eat Aeros all the time anyway.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25Right, Mammy, time to light your cake.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Aargh!
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Walter!
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Right, I'll sit on your face.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47I'm going to use this candle as a pen and I'm going to write my name on this cake.
0:22:47 > 0:22:52And I'm going to take all the word letters of your name off so Mammy thinks it's just from me.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57Get off my face, Walter, I can smell your yesterdays.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Just write my name!
0:22:59 > 0:23:06There, there! There we go! A beautiful cake.
0:23:09 > 0:23:14I spent money I haven't got getting that cake made!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16All right? Going to give me an Aero?
0:23:16 > 0:23:20No! You can go and tell your Jesus that nobody's getting an Aero
0:23:20 > 0:23:23because it's all my chocolate anyway!
0:23:28 > 0:23:30HE SOBS
0:23:33 > 0:23:36There you go, Mammy, there's some of that cake I got for you.
0:23:36 > 0:23:41# Happy birthday to you
0:23:41 > 0:23:45# Happy birthday to you... #
0:23:45 > 0:23:48You're a bad man, Jesus!
0:23:48 > 0:23:52# Happy birthday to you. #
0:23:58 > 0:24:00There he is.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Mr Cocklefroth.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Do you not remember me, Mr Cocklefroth?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16William Dunn?
0:24:16 > 0:24:21My goodness. I've been seeing and hearing a lot of you, William.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23I'm delighted to see you doing so well.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Oh, so you're happy for me, are you?
0:24:26 > 0:24:31- Of course.- So you don't remember what you said to me?
0:24:31 > 0:24:35The one single thing that's motivated me to do so well in my life.
0:24:35 > 0:24:40So, I could come back here and shove it in your face.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41What did I say?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44You said to me,
0:24:44 > 0:24:50"William Dunn, you'll never amount to anything.
0:24:50 > 0:24:55"You'll never amount to anything."
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Oh, no, you see, I've got an excellent memory, William.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03I would never say that to any pupil, I certainly never said it to you.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Maybe you should think about that a wee bit harder.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Yeah, so Biscuity Boyle himself is going to be coming and giving out prizes at the sports day.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16He can still beat half these boys, what an athlete he is.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20..William Dunn, will you please stop mounting everything?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Will you stop mounting everything, I said.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Stop mounting everything.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Glad to see you doing so well anyway.
0:25:51 > 0:25:56I think it's an area of the company where we have been guilty of under-investment.
0:25:56 > 0:26:01- Really?- Absolutely. We haven't increased investment there since 2002.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05I mean, that's almost a decade with no increase in budget.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08And the strain is starting to show, it really is. I...
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Could you excuse me for just a second, Harry?
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Hey!
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Yeeeeesssssssssss!!!! Yeeeessss!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Dull yin, man. Dull yin.
0:27:18 > 0:27:23Yeeessssss, whooooo!
0:27:27 > 0:27:31- HUSKY-VOICED:- I bet if your love stream crossed with my love stream
0:27:31 > 0:27:34we'd create one of the great oceans of love.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35WASP BUZZES
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Argh! There's a wasp in my mooth!
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
0:27:40 > 0:27:42HE SPLUTTERS
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Oooh, I can feel it in my belly.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48It's stung me, it's stung me. Ooh.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51It's stung my throat.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55It's swelling up! It's swelling up!
0:27:55 > 0:27:57HE GROANS
0:27:57 > 0:28:00- Have you got any baking soda or garlic?- No!
0:28:00 > 0:28:03We need to get something down his throat that'll neutralise that sting.
0:28:03 > 0:28:04It'll need to be urine!
0:28:17 > 0:28:20- Oh, oh, that's it.- That'll do it.
0:28:20 > 0:28:25Oh, I can breathe. Uh... Uh...
0:28:25 > 0:28:29HE WHEEZES AND COUGHS
0:28:33 > 0:28:36- HUSKY-VOICED:- So how about we go back to my place
0:28:36 > 0:28:38and we can drink from my ocean of love?
0:28:38 > 0:28:39Oh, God, no!
0:28:55 > 0:28:58Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk