0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:25 > 0:00:26All right, mate?
0:00:26 > 0:00:29All right, mate. Pure para about getting spotted, man.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31All that Fleeto mob are efter us.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Well, the Fleeto mob don't drink in here, Gary, so you can probably take that big hood down.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39I've got a lot mair than them to worry about, man - got to keep my eyes peeled, know?
0:00:39 > 0:00:43Is there no' mair chance of people spotting you with that big hood up?
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Oh, maybe mate. Maybe.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51- What happened to your hair? - I was reading about that alopecia.
0:00:51 > 0:00:56I was pure paranoid about catching it man, so I just shaved a' my hair aff.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Actually I think I'll put it back up.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02I'm pure paranoid about getting called 'baldy".
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Well, listen, I was just about to cut out for a fag. Do you want one?
0:01:06 > 0:01:10No. You don't wash yer haunds after you've been to the bog.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11What?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14You touch your genitals, then yer fags, gie me one o' them
0:01:14 > 0:01:17then I've got gonorrhoea and VD all over my lips, mate.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Gary, I've no' got VD or gonorrhoea.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22Can you 100% guarantee that, mate? You been tested, mate?
0:01:22 > 0:01:23I'm pure para about stuff like that.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26I don't need tested. I'm happily married to Susan.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28SHE been tested?
0:01:28 > 0:01:33- Don't even go there, mate. - Mate - she's a nice lassie, but people sleep aboot.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36If it can happen to Cheryl Cole, mate, it can happen to you.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Wee Cheryl's pure para as anything noo, man.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41HE SIGHS
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Mate...
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- What?- Mate...
0:01:47 > 0:01:50See that lassie over there in the corner with the brown hair?
0:01:50 > 0:01:53- What about her?- That's one of Pauline's pals from the work.
0:01:53 > 0:01:58- And what?- If Pauline finds oot I was here with her I'll be getting the third degree, man.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Pauline's pure para about stuff like that.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Gary, you're no' in here with her!
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Oh, mate. It disnae matter, it disnae matter. It's no' worth it.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07I'll need to create a diversion.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12GLASS SHATTERS
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Later, mate.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Here... Wear a johnny.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20He looks like a grass for the social.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21That's a camera.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Well, the financial reports are in...
0:02:31 > 0:02:33and I'm afraid things don't look good.
0:02:33 > 0:02:38Sales of the Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee were much lower than projected.
0:02:38 > 0:02:43I honestly think the Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee is a great product.
0:02:43 > 0:02:48We just need to get this whole Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee thing
0:02:48 > 0:02:50into the public consciousness.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee...
0:02:56 > 0:03:00'Oggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boo!'
0:03:00 > 0:03:05Will SOMEBODY please tell me why this isn't selling?!
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Perhaps we're aiming it at the wrong demographic.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Instead of marketing the Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee at
0:03:11 > 0:03:17young professionals and housewives, MAYBE should be aiming it at kids?
0:03:17 > 0:03:18- BOTH:- Ohhh...
0:03:18 > 0:03:23Jack and I took the liberty of doing some focus group tests with children.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Hello, children.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32How would you like me to climb in your window tonight and leave
0:03:32 > 0:03:34one of these under your sheets?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37It's really trendy, and ticks a lot of boxes for our company.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Here's Steve Regards to tell you all about it.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Hello, members of the youth demographic.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50This is the Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee...
0:03:50 > 0:03:53a disruptive new product that converts the phrase
0:03:53 > 0:03:55"Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee"
0:03:55 > 0:03:58into the phrase "Oggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boo."
0:04:00 > 0:04:02You, little girl...
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Would you like to interface with the product?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Eegie Beegie!
0:04:08 > 0:04:12It's Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Eegie Beegie Beegie!
0:04:15 > 0:04:18"Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee"! Say that.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Eegie Beegie Bee.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee!
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Now, you look here, missus.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27It cost a lot of money to assemble this focus group so
0:04:27 > 0:04:31you're going to say "Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee"!
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Eegie Beegie Bee...Beegie Beegie.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee!
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- Don't shout at her.- Touch me again, Steve! Go, on I dare ye!
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee!
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee!
0:04:44 > 0:04:46SHE SCREAMS Mummy...!
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Fifty thousand pounds down the drain.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51God...!
0:04:51 > 0:04:54'Oggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boo.'
0:04:55 > 0:04:59The kids seemed to love it. What do YOU think?
0:05:00 > 0:05:01I think...
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I should have done THIS a long time ago!
0:05:04 > 0:05:06David! You can't.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Show him, Jack.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16WOMEN SCREAM
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Oggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boo...
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Oggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boo...
0:05:24 > 0:05:26RETCHING AND VOMITING OUTSIDE
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Well, I mean I think the idea of a boxing gym
0:05:30 > 0:05:36being a place that is purely for hard young men to come and prove themselves is completely out of date.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38People come down here to learn how to box, yes, but people also
0:05:38 > 0:05:42come down here because it is an excellent way to get fit.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Hitting the bag can be a great way to release stress...
0:05:45 > 0:05:46people come for the camaraderie.
0:05:46 > 0:05:51If you're holding the bag or holding the mitts for someone, then, you know,
0:05:51 > 0:05:54there's a social aspect to it too. There are many, many varied reasons
0:05:54 > 0:05:56for coming down to the boxing gym.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Is that you all done?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01MUFFLED CRIES
0:06:08 > 0:06:11God... That was amazing!
0:06:13 > 0:06:14All kinds of reasons.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Doberman Man!
0:06:25 > 0:06:28I've got a city to protect, Superintendent.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Burnistoun never sleeps! Make it quick.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32It's the Taletwister.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36He's back in Burnistoun... and he's planning a bank heist.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38The Taletwister?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41I've got bigger fish tae fry than the Taletwister.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- Who?- My arch-nemesis.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Big Sanny Tollan's Boy.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Is that the guy that hassled you at school?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50"Hassled me at school"?!
0:06:50 > 0:06:53He used to make me shag a pole in the school playground!
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Sure, it's embarrassing, but you know - a bank heist!
0:06:56 > 0:07:01I put a Doberbug on Big Sanny Tollan's Boy's phone.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I heard him gloating aboot his crimes!
0:07:04 > 0:07:07You can play it back on my iDober.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14'Aye - Doberman Man! I wis at school wi' that wee virgin!
0:07:14 > 0:07:17'We used to make him dry-ride a pole an' all sorts!
0:07:17 > 0:07:21'Doberman Man? "Dobber man", mair like!'
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Argh! Turn it off!
0:07:24 > 0:07:29All these years later, and he's still telling people that I'm a virgin!
0:07:30 > 0:07:33My internal systems have analysed his speech patterns.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37- And what do they tell you?- That he's a total dick and I hate him!
0:07:39 > 0:07:44Me and Big Sanny Tollan's Boy, we go back a long way.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46He made me what I am!
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Him and his pals
0:07:47 > 0:07:52used to make me hump a pole in the school playground. And I did.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Because I was scared.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56But that all changed,
0:07:56 > 0:08:00the night a Doberman jumped through my bedroom window -
0:08:00 > 0:08:03and I learned a very important thing.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05- What?- That wee dicks
0:08:05 > 0:08:09are a cowardly and superstitious bunch of wee dicks - and I HATE THEM!
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Burnistoun has been a better place, since that Doberman jumped through your windae.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18I will NOT let wee dicks over-run this Burnistoun...
0:08:18 > 0:08:21No young man will get slagged off
0:08:21 > 0:08:25for being a virgin, on MY watch. You have my word!
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Aye, but what about The Taletwister?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Priorities!
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Just you remember...
0:08:31 > 0:08:34there's nothing wrong wi' being a virgin.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37All right.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Did you say something when I left there?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47There isnae anything wrang with being a virgin.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49No... I didn't say a thing.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55I've got a girlfriend!
0:08:57 > 0:08:58OK!
0:09:38 > 0:09:42- Darryl!- Crabby, my man. How long's it been?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Oh, man. What, it must be, what - ten, fifteen year?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Oh, at least, man.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- What you been up to? - Oh, nothing, man.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51- What... Nothing?- No. Not really.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- What, in fifteen year?- Aye.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55No' one thing worth mentioning?
0:09:55 > 0:09:59- No, mate. No' really. - No' one thing?- No' one.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02There must be one thing you've done in fifteen year, mate.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04No, mate. Nowt.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08- Right - just tell me one thing you've done.- No, mate.- One thing!
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- I've not done anything. - Just tell me one thing.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- No, mate. - Just tell me one thing you've done.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16No. I've no' done anything in the last fifteen years. Nothin'.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21- Just tell me one thing you've done. - No.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- Just tell me one thing you've done. - No.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25- Just tell me one thing you've done. - No.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- Just tell me one thing you've done. - No.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28- Just tell me one thing you've done. - No.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- Just tell me one thing you've done. - No.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31- Just tell me one thing you've done. - No.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- Just tell me one thing you've done. - No.
0:10:37 > 0:10:42- Anyway, mate, nice to see you again. - Aye, brilliant seeing you, man!
0:10:46 > 0:10:48POUNDING MUSIC
0:10:55 > 0:10:56I'm not really into this.
0:10:57 > 0:11:02What, you're no' into gettin' a dance aff o' a beautiful lassie? F'n' shut up.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05What are we supposed to dae here?
0:11:05 > 0:11:09You're not impressing anybody wi' your "nice guy" routine, right?
0:11:09 > 0:11:13Just stare at the gorgeous hauf-naked lassie o'er there.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15This is awkward...
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Who are you trying to impress with this crap?
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Germaine Greer isnae here. All right?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Now, man up. I'll get us a private dance.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- No, you won't.- Aye, I will.
0:11:26 > 0:11:32For 30 quid, we get these gorgeous lassies writhing about, about one foot away from us.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34One foot? I'll no' know where to look.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38You'll look at whatever they shove into your face!
0:11:38 > 0:11:40We're no' perving, mate, they're dancing for us!
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Dancin' for the money, mate - no' for us, for the money!
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Well, I want a dance.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50And I'm no' sitting here getting a dance while you're sitting there hitting a beamer.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51So you're getting one an' a!
0:11:51 > 0:11:53I don't want.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Look at that lassie.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Look at them.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19- Look at that.- No... - Look at that dancin' lassie!
0:12:19 > 0:12:23- I don't want to look, I don't like it!- Look at her!
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Look at that lassie!
0:12:25 > 0:12:27No. No, I don't like it,
0:12:27 > 0:12:29- I don't wannae.- Och, man up!
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Be a man. Be a man!
0:12:31 > 0:12:34No! Leave me, it's distasteful!
0:12:34 > 0:12:39- You're no' tastin' her, you're just looking at her! LOOK AT HER!- Naw...
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Stare at that gorgeous sexy lassie.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45Bore your eyes right intae the sexy body of that sexy lassie!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Right, youse... Oot!
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Come on. Oot!
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Ah, yes! What's the damage?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Well...Aggressive Pal Experience is £150,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08and Awkward Scenario Fetish Roleplay was 80.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13There's 250. That was amazing.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Thank you.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Right...
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Now, as far as I see it we have two outstanding young candidates.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Gail Park, and Bruce...
0:13:35 > 0:13:37KNOCK AT DOOR
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Is this the interview for the bank manager's job?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Yes. We've just finished.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46You've no' seen me yet.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- Were you on the list?- Naw. I didn't even apply or anything, man.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Are you one of our employees?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Nope. Never worked in a bank in my life but I'll tell you somethin'.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59I've been watching all your interviewees oot there.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- And do you know what?- What?
0:14:01 > 0:14:02They're a' dicks!
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- "Dicks"?- Dicks - the lot o' them.
0:14:05 > 0:14:11I bet they came in here givin' it all turnover and profits and blah blah blah. Who cares? Am I right?
0:14:11 > 0:14:16- Well...- Exactly. Dicks. Here's what I would have done...
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Boom! Cartwheel. Any of 'em dae that?
0:14:21 > 0:14:22Well... No.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Any of them dae this?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Eh? Look at the speed o' these haunds.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Bill, this boy's got something.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39He reminds me of myself when I wore those clothes.
0:14:39 > 0:14:45If we gave you the job...would you be willing to get your nose down and LEARN the banking trade?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Nope. Because banking...is a bore.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50If either of you two came into my office
0:14:50 > 0:14:53and started yapping on about banking, I'd be like this...
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Doosh! Doosh!
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Doosh! Doosh!
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- That was... That was a real one! - Watch. Forward roll.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09This boy is outstanding. Son, the job's yours.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12You're the new manager of our Burnistoun East branch.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Good move. Now, who's HIS boss?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Well, I am.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Cos I tell you what, big man -
0:15:17 > 0:15:21I want his job as well now, because he is also a dick.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25- You can't call me a... - No - Bill, he's right.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27You ARE a dick. You're a dick, and you're fired.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Now, c'mon - get out, you dick.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Congratulations. You're the new head of Scottish Operations.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Thanks. You're fired.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Oh, no, no. You cannae fire me, I'm YOUR boss.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43How can you be MY boss? Can you dae this?
0:15:43 > 0:15:45HE SINGS TO HIMSELF
0:15:49 > 0:15:53# Durr, dur-dur durr-dur, dur-dur durr-dur...
0:15:58 > 0:16:01# Ba-da pa-paa, ba-da pa-paa, hoi! #
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Hello! This is Brian Bluff, eh, the UK Operations Chief?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Can I have the CEO on the phone please?
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Is this the CEO?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Can you dae this?!
0:16:43 > 0:16:46These next guys are down from Bonnie Scotland,
0:16:46 > 0:16:47from the city of Burnistoun -
0:16:47 > 0:16:49and this is their first appearance on Top of the Pops,
0:16:49 > 0:16:52it's...The Murderers!
0:16:52 > 0:16:53WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:00 > 0:17:03# This is our first appearance and the first time you will hear us
0:17:03 > 0:17:07# And when you are all 50 you'll remember this so clearly
0:17:07 > 0:17:11# When we were on your telly, before you had a belly
0:17:11 > 0:17:14# When life was still a voyage, and before you had a mortgage #
0:17:14 > 0:17:18# And we're...all dead, now!
0:17:21 > 0:17:25# The show we're on is axed now, and all these girls are old cows
0:17:25 > 0:17:29# You're watching this on YouTube, as you recall your youth
0:17:29 > 0:17:32# When music was amazing When nights out were exciting
0:17:32 > 0:17:36# When sex was still surprising, possibilities were rising
0:17:36 > 0:17:40# But we're...all dead, now!
0:17:43 > 0:17:47# But we're...all dead, now!
0:17:50 > 0:17:54# You were our biggest fan then, you followed us all over
0:17:54 > 0:17:57# And then you met some someone And you shagged them in your Rover
0:17:57 > 0:17:59# And rushed straight into marriage
0:17:59 > 0:18:01# They're the best you thought you'd manage
0:18:01 > 0:18:04# And now you are a parent and your future's all but vanished
0:18:04 > 0:18:09# And we're...all dead, now!
0:18:12 > 0:18:15# He died in '87 He hung himself in prison
0:18:15 > 0:18:18# He died in 1993, a massive aneurysm
0:18:18 > 0:18:22# And he died in his grubby flat, a poor forgotten junkie
0:18:22 > 0:18:24# And I died in an altercation
0:18:24 > 0:18:26# With an escaped monkey
0:18:26 > 0:18:30# That's why...we're all dead, now!
0:18:33 > 0:18:37# That's why...we're all dead, now!
0:18:40 > 0:18:44# And soon you all will join us! And soon you all will join us!
0:18:44 > 0:18:47# Inevitably join us! Inevitably join us!
0:18:47 > 0:18:51# And soon you all will join us! And soon you all will join us!
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- # Inevitably join us! - WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:55 > 0:18:56PUMPED-UP ACTION MUSIC
0:19:07 > 0:19:09'Coming soon to BBC Burnistoun.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12'Action and adventure, in Bunnetcatcher!'
0:19:29 > 0:19:33Bunnetcatcherrrrrr!
0:19:34 > 0:19:38'Breaking news: A group of children wearing bunnets on their heads
0:19:38 > 0:19:43'are being held hostage by a man wielding a powerful office fan.'
0:19:44 > 0:19:49I'm gonnae switch this on, and blow their wee bunnets aff their heids!
0:19:49 > 0:19:51LAUGHS MANICALLY
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Bunnetcatcher!
0:20:04 > 0:20:07You even caught MY bunnet, Bunnetcatcher!
0:20:07 > 0:20:09After everything I've done.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Why?!
0:20:12 > 0:20:14A wise man once told me...
0:20:14 > 0:20:17"A bunnet...cannot choose the heid
0:20:17 > 0:20:20"that it bunnets."
0:20:20 > 0:20:24When my hand slips, I want you to catch my bunnet. Forget about me.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28- But you'll die!- You are Bunnetcatcher! Catch my bunnet!
0:20:37 > 0:20:39I was yer father, by the way.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Don't see you in fifteen years, then twice in two days.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- This is mair like it, eh?- Aye. - So what were you doing LAST night?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Ah, nothin', man.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- You must have done something, mate. - No, mate.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11You don't have to tell me anything interesting - just tell me anything.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12No, I've no' done anything mate.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- You been to the toilet?- No, mate.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18In the 24 hours since I last saw you,
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- you've not even been to the toilet? - No.
0:21:26 > 0:21:27- Just tell me one thing you've done. - No.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- Just tell me one thing you've done. - No.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30- Just tell me one thing you've done. - No.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- Just tell me one thing you've done. - No.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- Just tell me one thing you've done. - No.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40- Just tell me one thing you've done. - No.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41- Just tell me one thing you've done. - No.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- Just tell me one thing you've done. - No.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44- Just tell me one thing you've done. - No.- One!- No.
0:21:44 > 0:21:50- One!- No.- One!- No.- One!- No.- One!- No. - One!- No.- One!- No.- One!- No.- One!- No.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Anyway, it's mental seeing you again man, two days in a row.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Aye, brilliant!
0:21:58 > 0:22:00- Just tell me one thing you've done. - No.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Will you tell me where I'm going, M?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09I suppose I'll have to.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11You're going to Burnistoun, Bond.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Burnistoun?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15That's where my first love was killed.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18I'll never forget you, Jackie.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21It was...Kelly, wasn't it?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Yes. I'll never forget you, Kelly.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Hmm.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29I'll leave you in Q's capable hands.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Ignore her, Q, she's very cruel.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37What do you have for me?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40With you going to Bonnie Scotland, 007,
0:22:40 > 0:22:44we've adapted some cultural items into gadgets for you.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Take a look at this. It's a sausage supper.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48Which is...?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Well, you would know it as sausage and chips.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54But in Scotland, they call it...a supper.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Because they only have it at supper time?
0:22:56 > 0:23:00No. Because they DON'T only have it at supper time.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04The Scots would eat things like this for breakfast. It's an ironic title.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07I see. And what does it do?
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Pick it up.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16That pickled onion there. Give it a push.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Now, that fellow's had HIS chips.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Very funny. Let me show you this now, Bond.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Do you know what that is?
0:23:32 > 0:23:35It looks like a plastic receptacle for...fizzy pop.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39Mmm. It's a two-litre bottle of ginger.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- But we've filled it with an extra-fizzy liquid.- Which means?
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Put it under your bottom.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Now unscrew that cap.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Now, that was a gas...
0:24:06 > 0:24:07Q LAUGHS HEARTILY
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Very, very funny, Bond.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16This is the last gadget have for you today -
0:24:16 > 0:24:21it's a tin of shortbread. But no ordinary shortbread, Bond.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25For when you want to finish a mission in a hurry, just eat this shortbread,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28and every sentence you say will be very, very much shorter.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- When does...- Right away. - How long...- For the rest of the day.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41- You've really outdone...- Thank you.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- Aren't you having...- I think I will.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- Who made...- It was made... - Your wife is...- I'm a very...
0:24:50 > 0:24:52- Are your hooks...- Number twos are...
0:24:52 > 0:24:54I think I'll...
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- It's.- I.- If.- Not.- For.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03- That's.- Look.- Not.- She.- Did?
0:25:03 > 0:25:04Only...
0:25:07 > 0:25:11- Ha.- Ha.- Ha.- Ha.- Ha.- Ha. - Ha.- Ha.- Ha.- Ha.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31THWACK!
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Cheers, mate, what was that...15.20?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Right, cool mate. Just, just a wee second, right?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- 15.20!- Naw...
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Naw, naw, naw, naw, it cannae be - we counted it up!
0:25:59 > 0:26:0115.20, mate.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04I was sure it was gonnae to be under 15!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06I knew we were cuttin' it too fine.
0:26:07 > 0:26:12Oh, naw! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Are you sure you've nae money?
0:26:14 > 0:26:19- No change, have you checked your pockets?- I've already checked them, I've checked them!
0:26:19 > 0:26:2215.20, mate, this is a nightmare. What are we gonnae do?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I don't know. This is unprecedented.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29I mean, aye - we all joke about this happening, but it never does.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- Never happens! - But now it HAS happened.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35It's happened, mate! We're doon the rabbit hole now, mate.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Why did we ever think 15 was enough?!
0:26:39 > 0:26:44- There must be a 20 pence piece in this hoose somewhere!- Mate...
0:26:44 > 0:26:46There has tae be a tip as well, Ronnie!
0:26:46 > 0:26:50- It's no' just about the 20p, there's got to be a tip as well!- Calm down!
0:26:50 > 0:26:51WE NEED A TIP AS WELL, MATE!
0:26:51 > 0:26:54CALM DOWN! Enough!
0:26:54 > 0:26:57We...will turn this hoose upside doon if we have tae.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01We will find change in here, if it kills us!
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Mate, there's nae money in here!
0:27:04 > 0:27:08Calm doon. Man up. Come on, Man up!
0:27:08 > 0:27:11UP! UP! UP!
0:27:11 > 0:27:12RONNIE EXHALES TENSELY
0:27:12 > 0:27:17I can't, mate. I am FREAKIN' it here! Stupid 15 quid!
0:27:17 > 0:27:20STUPID FIFTEEN QUID! Can't even buy a couple of guys their dinner.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23I'm tearin' this up, mate. I'm going to tear this up.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25No, Stevie!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27It has to be done, Ronnie!
0:27:34 > 0:27:36RONNIE GROANS
0:27:36 > 0:27:38HE HOWLS IN ANGUISH
0:27:40 > 0:27:41You didnae...!
0:27:41 > 0:27:44You didnae!
0:27:44 > 0:27:46I had tae.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TAE US?!
0:27:49 > 0:27:51I knew it, man...
0:27:51 > 0:27:54I knew somethin' bad was gonnae happen to me.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57YOU'VE FINISHED US!
0:27:58 > 0:28:03WE SHOULD NEVER HAVE ORDERED YOU! I SHOULD NEVER HAVE ORDERED YOU!
0:28:05 > 0:28:07RONNIE BAWLS AND WAILS
0:28:17 > 0:28:20RONNIE'S SCREAMING GOES ON AND ON
0:28:23 > 0:28:25That sounds like a good party you're having.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29By the way, did I say 15.20? It's only 14.20.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:52 > 0:28:54E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk