0:00:17 > 0:00:20You're having a good day. Nearly sold the lot already?
0:00:20 > 0:00:22You kidding? Sold nothing, man.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24- Aye?- This is all I'm selling, man.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26This denim "jaisket".
0:00:26 > 0:00:28All you're selling is that "jaisket"?
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Not any ordinary "jaisket" but, man.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32A denim "jaisket".
0:00:32 > 0:00:36An original blue denim "jaisket".
0:00:36 > 0:00:37- Much is it?- Five hunner quid.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40What? No wonder you've no' sold it.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43But it's the real thing, but isn't it? That's why it's so dear!
0:00:43 > 0:00:48- The real what?- A real, original, blue denim "jaisket".
0:00:48 > 0:00:51What like, a Levi's or something? A designer thing?
0:00:51 > 0:00:53No, man. That's the thing.
0:00:53 > 0:01:00That's why it's so dear. It's a real, original blue nae-name denim "jaisket", man, from the glory days.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Oh, the glory days? The 80s? Like a retro thing?
0:01:03 > 0:01:05- Naw, man, no' the 80s.- When then?
0:01:05 > 0:01:08The glory days!
0:01:08 > 0:01:112006.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13How was 2006 the glory days?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Because I was like that.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Pure like that.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20With my denim "jaisket" on.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Yass!
0:01:22 > 0:01:23Aye. Glory days to you, you mean?
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Aye, man, I was like that man.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Just pure strutting aboot, man, with my denim "jaisket" on!
0:01:29 > 0:01:33"All right, ladies?" Top of the world.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37- Much did you buy it for? - I didnae, man, found it in a skip!
0:01:37 > 0:01:42I was like that, "What?! An original blue denim "jaisket" in a skip!"
0:01:42 > 0:01:46The glory days man. Summer of 2006.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Nobody will ever forget it.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51- Aye. Well, good luck to you selling it, man.- Och, it'll sell, man.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Don't worry aboot it.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Well, see if it means that much to you, why are you selling it?
0:02:03 > 0:02:07- Do you need the money?- Nah, man. Money's meaningless to me, you know?
0:02:07 > 0:02:10I just kind of thought to myself, I've had enough of a great thing.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12I've had my glory days.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15It's time for somebody else to get that feeling.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Phew, just like that, man,
0:02:19 > 0:02:21wi' your denim "jaisket" on, man!
0:02:21 > 0:02:25Boom, boom! Pure basking in it, man!
0:02:25 > 0:02:27So why not just gie it away?
0:02:27 > 0:02:31No, man, it's got to go to somebody that appreciates it for what it is man, it's got to be meaningful.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Too many wasters in this world.
0:02:33 > 0:02:38I thought to myself, right money matters to other people, don't it, so if I ask for five hunner quid,
0:02:38 > 0:02:42then I know they're really feeling it, man, then I know it's somebody that really wants it.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47Good luck to you, man. I think it's a hellish looking thing, but...good luck.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Cheers, man.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51BACKGROUND CHATTER
0:03:02 > 0:03:03- Five hunner?- Aye, man.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09The wife was wanting a new wardrobe, but...
0:03:09 > 0:03:11I've been needing something like that.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Tell me aboot it, mate.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Get that roon' you.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Ah!
0:03:25 > 0:03:28These are your glory days noo, man.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- Away oot there and live them! - Cheers!
0:03:31 > 0:03:36# I pull my blue jeans on I pull my old blue jeans on
0:03:36 > 0:03:42# I pull my blue jeans on I pull my old blue jeans on... #
0:03:54 > 0:03:56CHATTER
0:03:59 > 0:04:00ALARM
0:04:00 > 0:04:03'This is a school announcement.
0:04:09 > 0:04:10'Do the hustle!'
0:04:10 > 0:04:15MUSIC: "The Hustle" by Van McCoy And The Soul City Symphony
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Kenneth why are you not doing the Hustle?
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Because it's stupid!
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Go to the Headmaster!
0:04:49 > 0:04:53James, do you know how Michael and Abby met?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Eh, no.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56They were contestants on Blind Date!
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Seriously?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02That's mental.
0:05:02 > 0:05:08Yeah, I mean ah, look we really don't want to talk about it, I mean it's, it's just so embarrassing isn't it?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11I mean it's, eh, I'm just not into shows like that at all.
0:05:11 > 0:05:16I mean, I much prefer shows like, CSI, and Law And Order, you know?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19That kind of thing.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22If you were a crime thriller, which crime thriller would you be?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25And that goes to my wife, Abby.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29Hello, Michael. If I were a crime thriller, I'd like to keep you gripped.
0:05:29 > 0:05:34So I think it would have to be some thing like Cracker, because
0:05:34 > 0:05:38just like a Christmas cracker, I'm full of fun and I give a great bang!
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Ooooh!
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Is that one you used on the show?
0:05:44 > 0:05:49One what? Oh, no we don't like to talk about the show. That's so cheesy.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Speaking of cheese, I love pizza.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54It's one of my favourite things about Italy.
0:05:54 > 0:05:59If you were a country, what country would you be? That's to you, James.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Me? Um, I don't know.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Scotland I suppose.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06OK. And the same question to you, Michael.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Well, Abby,
0:06:08 > 0:06:15I think if I was to be any country, I would probably be the country of Wales because
0:06:15 > 0:06:19just like the Welsh singer Tom Jones "I Want Your Kiss", and just like the
0:06:19 > 0:06:25Welsh dragon, I'd want to be "draggin'" you into my bed!
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Great answer.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Anyway, are we all enjoying the soup?
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Yeah, no, no it's lovely, James, it's lovely. It's really nice soup.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- Your wife's a great cook.- Thanks!
0:06:36 > 0:06:41Yeah, I mean, I think my favourite food would probably have to be apple pie.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44If you were a pie filling, which pie filling would you be?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47And that's to Stacey.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- Um, I've never really thought about it.- OK.
0:06:50 > 0:06:56And the very same question to my wife, Abby.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00Well, if I were a filling, I think I'd have to be steak.
0:07:00 > 0:07:05Because just like a steak, I'd be something for you to get your teeth into.
0:07:05 > 0:07:11- And every time I make love to a guy, he always says "well done". - Wow. That's a great, great answer.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13I mean maybe I should get a job as a cook
0:07:13 > 0:07:16so that I can cook that steak for you, Abby.
0:07:16 > 0:07:22Speaking of jobs. I think being a spaceman sounds like a great job.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25If you could have any job what job would it be?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28And that question goes to myself, James.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Well, James if I could have any job I think it would
0:07:31 > 0:07:37have to be a job as a gynaecologist, because I now have lots of experience
0:07:37 > 0:07:38of staring at fannies.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42VOICEOVER: 'Well, contestants,
0:07:42 > 0:07:48'who will it be? Will it be horny Abby, who says she's like a cracker? So she must like to be pulled!
0:07:48 > 0:07:51'She also says she's like a steak.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55'Her breasts certainly aren't size medium! In fact, they're bloody rare!
0:07:55 > 0:08:00'Or will it be our Michael, who says he's like the country of Wales.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03'Let's hope no-one finds out about that time he had sex with a miner!
0:08:03 > 0:08:06'The choice is yours!'
0:08:10 > 0:08:18See, scientists, right, are saying that if your pals are fat it's more likely that you'll turn out fat.
0:08:18 > 0:08:23And if your pals are fit and healthy, it's more likely you'll turn out fit and healthy.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24Aye?
0:08:27 > 0:08:30It's pretty much just me and you that hang about together, isn't it?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32That's all I'm sayin'.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36What do you mean that's all you're sayin'?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Like you're getting at something.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Well, you used to be like a pencil, mate.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44And I was never like a pencil.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46That's all I'm sayin'.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49What do you mean, that's all you're sayin'? What's your point?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52You're coming in my direction, mate.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54That's all I'm sayin'.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Stop sayin' that's all you're sayin' when that's no' all you're
0:08:56 > 0:08:58saying and just say what it is that you're sayin'!
0:08:58 > 0:09:02I've had more influence on you, mate, than you've had on me.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04That's all I'm sayin'.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09Pish, mate. Every skinny boy puts on a bit of weight when they get older.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Aye, cos they're led by their peer group, mate.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14And I'm your peer group.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15I've been leading you.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19I'm your leader. That's all I'm sayin'.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Listen, mate, see if there's a leader between you and me, right? It's me.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I'm the wan that decides what we're doing most of the time.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28That's just a front, but, mate.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31See on a deep psychological level, mate,
0:09:31 > 0:09:32you're getting fatter
0:09:32 > 0:09:35and that makes me the alpha male, mate.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37The big silverback.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38The dominator.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Right. Don't talk about dominatin' me now, mate, right?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Well, people can make their ain minds up.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47When people realise you're trying to turn yourself into me,
0:09:47 > 0:09:51- you'll know who wears the troosers in this relationship. - Bollocks, mate.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Naebody's gonnae think that!
0:09:53 > 0:09:55The science is right there, fatty.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Science has got nothing to do with people aboot here.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I was thinking of maybe going for a run. You comin'?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Nut.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- Hi.- Hiya.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Eh, there's an unnameable,
0:10:53 > 0:10:56unimaginable thing in my basement.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Right, can I just check your address first?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Eh, 22 Marigold Avenue.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03And what's the problem?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05There's an unnameable,
0:11:05 > 0:11:07unimaginable thing in my basement.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- Sorry, that's one of the bungalows, isn't it?- Aye.
0:11:10 > 0:11:15- Lovely houses, them.- Cheers.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Now, have you filed a complaint with us before?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23I've got something down on record here.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Eh, aye. I was in a few months ago,
0:11:25 > 0:11:27I made a complaint about the noise fae next door.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Right. Yeah, yeah.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32You said a...
0:11:32 > 0:11:33"A maddening chanting
0:11:33 > 0:11:35"in an unspeakable eldritch tongue
0:11:35 > 0:11:37"that would drive you insane just to hear it".
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Aye, that's right. But that's all done with now,
0:11:40 > 0:11:43because all my neighbours got taken to the moon by cats
0:11:43 > 0:11:44no' long after that.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48All right, well, I'm glad you got that sorted out.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50So what have you come in to see us about today?
0:11:50 > 0:11:54Well, there's an unnameable, unimaginable thing in my basement,
0:11:54 > 0:11:55and I'd like it punted.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58What is the thing?
0:11:58 > 0:12:01It's just a kind of...
0:12:01 > 0:12:04unnameable, creeping monstrosity.
0:12:04 > 0:12:10Right. We'd kind of need to name it so I can get it down on paper.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14It's no' even imaginable, never mind nameable. What do you need a name for?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Without a name we can't really do anything.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19You know, it's just the form, we need to get the details.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22- Is it a rat?- Naw.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Erm, well, what size is the thing?
0:12:28 > 0:12:32It's kind of hard to tell the size of things in that basement,
0:12:32 > 0:12:34because of the non-Euclidian geometry, you know?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37They're really bad for that, those houses.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Erm, I would say it's probably...
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Cyclopean in scale.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Like, immeasurably huge, no?
0:12:44 > 0:12:50Such that it would blacken your very eyes with madness. Know that way?
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Could it be a squirrel?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Is that how you would define a squirrel?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Can you no' just write down that it's unnameable?
0:12:57 > 0:13:01An unnameable, eldritch horror fae beyond the mind's comprehension,
0:13:01 > 0:13:02that kind of thing.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Will I just put down "wasps"?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10It isn't wasps, I can conceive of a wasp.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13This thing is unconceivable.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Erm, well, perhaps if you got it to come in,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18we could maybe get it to fill out a form for us?
0:13:18 > 0:13:22OK, look, I'll ask it if you like, right?
0:13:22 > 0:13:27But I imagine it'll just send me screaming into the abyss or some patter like that.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Well, what if you get it to give us a phone? Here's my number.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33PHONE RINGS
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Hello, North Burnistoun Housing Association.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Can I have your name, please?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45ANIMAL GROWLING
0:14:01 > 0:14:05# You gotta do it! Uh!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07# Do it! Uh!
0:14:07 > 0:14:09# Do the Respectable Drunk Man
0:14:09 > 0:14:11# You gotta do it Uh!
0:14:11 > 0:14:13# Do the Respectable Drunk Man
0:14:13 > 0:14:15# Do it, do it, do it
0:14:15 > 0:14:16# Do the Respectable Drunk Man
0:14:16 > 0:14:19# Do it, do it, do it
0:14:19 > 0:14:21# Do the Respectable Drunk Man
0:14:21 > 0:14:22# Do it so your wife don't notice
0:14:22 > 0:14:25# Do it so your wife don't notice
0:14:25 > 0:14:26# Do it so your wife don't notice
0:14:26 > 0:14:28# Do the Respectable Drunk Man
0:14:28 > 0:14:31# Do it so the wife don't notice Uh!
0:14:31 > 0:14:33# Do the Respectable Drunk Man Aah!
0:14:33 > 0:14:35# Waah!
0:14:35 > 0:14:36# Do the Respectable Drunk Man
0:14:36 > 0:14:38- How many books did you buy?- Ten.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Ten? You're off your nut.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44You should have been here last night, by the way.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46I was waiting on wan for the big wan.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50- Oh, here we go, waiting on wan.- Whit?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52You're aye waiting on wan, May.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55"Oh, I'm waiting on wan, Nan. I'm waiting on wan.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56I'm waiting on wan."
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Poking me to tell me about it. Poke, poke, poke.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00"I'm waiting on wan."
0:15:00 > 0:15:04Don't you get narky with me just cos you've got nae luck.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07You've got luck? When was the last time you won anything?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09I'm always waiting on wan, aren't I?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12That's no lucky, May. That's unlucky.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15I don't believe you've ever waited on wan.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19I've also WON at the bingo. WON.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Nae wonder you bloody win, sitting there wi' 40 books on the table.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- Ten.- You're like yon what's-his-name...
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Dustin Hoffman, bloody Rain Man, sitting daein' ten books at once.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Well, you cannae even manage your four books. You're always at me.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37"What was that number, Nan? I didn't catch that number then."
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Poke, poke, poking at me. "What did that boy say there, Nan?"
0:15:40 > 0:15:44It's that bloody boy, he talks too quiet.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47He's got a buckin' microphone, May.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51We're underneath the biggest buckin' speaker in the place.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Well, money goes to money, that's all I'm saying.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01- What did you say?- You heard.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06You're no deaf. You'd hear somebody fart if their arse was in Jamaica.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Don't you dare accuse me of being rich, May Murphy. Don't you dare!
0:16:10 > 0:16:14All I'm saying is your man left you plenty of money when he passed away.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Well, one, no he didnae.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20And two, he didn't pass away.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23He fell out a buckin' banana boat in Spain when he was pished out his nut
0:16:23 > 0:16:25and well you know it.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Accusing me of being rich and well-off!
0:16:28 > 0:16:29'Ready to kick off, folks?
0:16:29 > 0:16:33'And here we go with the first number.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36'Two and eight, 28.'
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Nan? Nan?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Nan, what was that? I missed that.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Raining again.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53That's Burnistoun for you.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Rain, rain, rain.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Don't start.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Don't start all that again.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06What? What's that about?
0:17:06 > 0:17:10"Oh, it's raining again." Boo-hoo(!)
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Boo-hoo(!)
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Oh, shut up, you dick!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16I wasn't even talking to you anyway.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19"Oh, water. Argh.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20"Water's gonna fall on me.
0:17:20 > 0:17:25"I'm gonnae get a bit wet. I'm gonnae have to wait for it to dry in. Argh!"
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Right, just leave it.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29"Never mind the fields getting irrigated.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31"Argh. Oh, never mind the reservoirs.
0:17:31 > 0:17:37"Oh, never mind the weans..." having SOMETHING TO DRINK, BARRY!
0:17:37 > 0:17:40"Argh. My trackie top's a bit damp."
0:17:40 > 0:17:43LEAVE IT!
0:17:43 > 0:17:44You hateful man.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46You coward.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48You're a coward!
0:17:48 > 0:17:52Away and open that window and throw yourself oot to your death.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56- You coward!- You die, mate!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58I hope YOU die.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02I hope you take a bunch of pills and then you lie outside in the rain
0:18:02 > 0:18:03with your mouth open,
0:18:03 > 0:18:08and the rain fills you up like a water balloon.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12Jump. On. Your. Corpse. Mate!
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Argh, argh, argh!
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I cannae wait, mate, until you die,
0:18:16 > 0:18:21all covered in flies!
0:18:21 > 0:18:25Well, I hope everybody dies.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28I hope they find a cure for death.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Yeah! Yes! Yes!
0:18:31 > 0:18:34And it works for everybody, mate, except you!
0:18:34 > 0:18:39Everybody comes to watch the last man dying.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Roll up, roll up!
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Come and see the last man to die.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46I HATE YOU!
0:18:50 > 0:18:51I see.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02I don't suppose you'll be wanting this custom-made skateboard
0:19:02 > 0:19:05I got for your birthday.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07It's got our faces on it.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Legends.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Legends.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41And these are my Dobercave's holding cells.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44This holding cell is where I keep the Burnistoun Butcher.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47He was selling out-of-date pies.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Buck's sake.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54And this is the Tale Twister.
0:19:54 > 0:19:59This madman's gimmick is that he always makes sure everything he's involved in has a surprising ending.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03Ha-ha! Just you wait and see!
0:20:03 > 0:20:06HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:20:08 > 0:20:10It's a wee shame, he's off his nut.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12And this...
0:20:12 > 0:20:15This is my arch-nemesis.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Big Sanny Tollan's boy.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19We've been battling each other all our lives,
0:20:19 > 0:20:23since our first fateful encounter at Burnistoun North Secondary School.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Come on, you. Let us out. I've no' done anything.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29This man has got a list of crimes as long as my arm.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31That was years ago
0:20:31 > 0:20:32and it was just banter.
0:20:32 > 0:20:37I don't call forcing overweight little boys to shag a pole banter!
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Hey, who's this wee darling?
0:20:39 > 0:20:40This is my new female sidekick.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43You can call me Doberwoman Man.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Should that not be Doberman Woman?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50HE GUFFAWS
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Anyway, what's a wee darling like you daein'
0:20:52 > 0:20:54hanging about wi' a virgin?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56He'll try to twist your mind against me.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Ignore him. I'm not a virgin, by the way.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00He's not a virgin.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Come on, we'll leave him here.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05And don't get any ideas when I turn my back.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09I'm wearing a 100% grogger-proof cloak.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11He's VL.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13I am not Virgin Lips!
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Ask him what kissing feels like.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18He knows what kissing feels like.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Come on. We'll leave him here to rot.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23See, see! He doesnae know.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Of course I know.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28It feels like...
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Well, it's not the kind of thing you can explain.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Show us, then.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35On your hand.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37I'm not...
0:21:37 > 0:21:39One time.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Nae tongues or anything!
0:21:45 > 0:21:47I'm getting to the tongue.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51What a crap kisser.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53I didnae say I was a good kisser, did I?
0:21:53 > 0:21:57- I just said I had kissed. - Aye, but you've never had sex.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Yes, I have, I've done sex about ten times!
0:22:01 > 0:22:05- Only ten times!- Doberman Man, you're letting him get to you.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE Do you no'...
0:22:07 > 0:22:10RESUMES GRUFF VOICE Do you no' think a superhero with this voice
0:22:10 > 0:22:16has the chance to do sex with loads of lassies all the time every night? I'm the best at doing sex. The best!
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Show us, then.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Show us on that pole.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38DOBERMAN MAN WHIMPERS
0:22:38 > 0:22:42My powers have failed me!
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Good. That's excellent.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51See you when you get here.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Right, here's a question for you.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00If you could save one thing fae your hoose if your hoose was on fire,
0:23:00 > 0:23:01what would it be?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Erm...
0:23:04 > 0:23:05Probably my photo album.
0:23:05 > 0:23:10You wouldnae save that painting of the lassie with the big boobs?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Imagine it!
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Nah, nah. It'd be my photo album I'd save.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Aye, that's the only pictures I have of my maw and that.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21I couldnae lose them. Naw.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22Aye, aye, right enough.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41I cannae believe I listened to you on this, Walter.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Nobody comes to the beach in the winter.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47All the people are going to be here in a wee minute anyway,
0:23:47 > 0:23:51so just shush and get ready for them to come anyway.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54It's nearly dark, Walter. Naebody is comin'.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- We're going back to Burnistoun.- No!
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Shush!
0:24:03 > 0:24:07ENGINE STRUGGLES TO IGNITE
0:24:09 > 0:24:11How can we be out of petrol, Walter?
0:24:11 > 0:24:16You asked me to put enough petrol in the tank
0:24:16 > 0:24:17so we could get to the beach!
0:24:17 > 0:24:20And back, Walter, and back!
0:24:20 > 0:24:21We're stuck here now.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Well, if we're stuck,
0:24:24 > 0:24:28then maybe I could make you a wee, tiny, wee, tottie,
0:24:28 > 0:24:29wee, tottie, wee, sandcastle.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Or I could make you a sandbun, Paul!
0:24:32 > 0:24:33What is a sandbun?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36A sandbun - it's like a wee hotdog bun.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38I'll put a wee sausage in it for you.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41We don't have any wee sausages, Walter.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44I make the sausages, you stupid idiot, out of my bum.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47You're disgusting!
0:24:47 > 0:24:51Do you think Mammy wants to hear you talking about things coming out your bum?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Do you remember Mammy liking bum talk?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55No.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58I'm sorry about the bum talk, Mammy.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Right, where's the sleeping bags?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Oh, sleeping bags!
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Oh, can we play Angry Maggots, Paul?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07No.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Nae Angry Maggots.
0:25:10 > 0:25:16Straight to sleep and then up first thing in the morning to go and get the petrol.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Angry maggots!
0:25:21 > 0:25:23I said, nae Angry Maggots.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Angry maggots anyway.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Right, that's it.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Angry maggots!
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- Angry maggots anyway.- Angry maggots!
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- Angry maggots.- Angry maggots.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40- Angry maggots.- Angry maggots.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Angry maggots.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46- Angry maggots.- Angry maggots.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Angry maggots.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Angry maggots.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00That was good fun anyway.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Aye, you're right, Walter,
0:26:02 > 0:26:03it was good fun anyway.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13Do you remember Mammy used to play Angry Maggots wi' us, Paul?
0:26:13 > 0:26:17Aye. Mammy was the best at Angry Maggots in the whole of Burnistoun.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19I've still got the scars to prove it.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Aye, she was a wee cheater, but, Mammy.
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Her wee zip used to come doon
0:26:25 > 0:26:28and you'd see a lovely wee face poking out.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32Aye, she was a wee rascal.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Goodnight, Paul.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39Goodnight, Walter.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43BOTH: Goodnight, Mammy.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53What is that sticking in my leg?
0:27:00 > 0:27:02That's better anyway.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Look!
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Brilliant, man!
0:27:19 > 0:27:20Yes!
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Oh, yes.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28- Goodnight, Paul.- Goodnight, Walter.
0:27:32 > 0:27:37- All right, Peter, my man?- All right.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40- MUSIC: "Looking Out For Love" By Fleetwood Mac - What's happenin', man?
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Just watching old Fleetwood Mac, man.
0:27:43 > 0:27:44I love this song.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47- # Uh- Uh- Uh
0:27:47 > 0:27:53# Uh uh uh uh
0:27:53 > 0:27:55# Uh uh
0:27:55 > 0:27:57# Uh uh
0:27:57 > 0:27:59# Uh uh
0:27:59 > 0:28:01# Uh uh
0:28:01 > 0:28:03# Uh uh
0:28:03 > 0:28:05# Uh uh
0:28:05 > 0:28:07# Uh uh
0:28:07 > 0:28:08# Uh uh
0:28:08 > 0:28:10# Uh uh
0:28:10 > 0:28:12# Uh uh
0:28:12 > 0:28:14# Uh uh
0:28:14 > 0:28:16# Uh uh
0:28:16 > 0:28:18# Uh uh
0:28:18 > 0:28:20# Uh uh
0:28:20 > 0:28:21# Uh uh
0:28:21 > 0:28:23# Uh uh. #
0:28:23 > 0:28:25HE EXHALES
0:28:29 > 0:28:33That can never happen again.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:43 > 0:28:46E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk